Dorje's musings

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 90 - “Surveillance” continues and beyond

2011-11-29T19:19:00.000-05:00

Friday, September 23, 2011:
I really don't want to get up this morning! A prostate biopsy is not something I enjoy having. I may look forward to the results, but I don't look forward to the procedure itself. At least the prep is not that rigorous or unpleasant. Nevertheless, an enema in the morning is not my idea of a good start to the day. Stopping my anti-inflammatory meds for a week has left me stiff and achy this morning. Arthritis can be so unforgiving!
As slow as I'm moving and as unmotivated as I am, it is good that the appointment is not too early. Nevertheless, I have gotten there in plenty of time, but I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be, because they seem to do them in different parts of the hospital every time I have one. Fortunately, I'm swiftly guided to the right waiting room, but don't have to wait long before the nurse calls me.
It is so strange that I am so comfortable pulling down my shorts here in mixed company. I guess it helps that the nurse has such a masculine manner that she seems more like “one of the guys.” I couldn't say whether this is from her sexual orientation or the aftereffects of a military career, but it is common among VA staff. However it comes about, I am grateful for it, because this is a far more intimate situation than simple nudity. This is more a matter of feeling vulnerable and trusting the crew working on me. It reminds me of feelings I have had before anesthesia for surgery.
Of course before we get to the actual procedure, we have the paperwork to do which, ironically, is now paperless. I hate these new digital signature pads! You don't see your writing as you write and when you see it, it is inevitably so unlike your normal signature. I guess you get better with practice, because the doctor's looks the same on the computer as it does on paper.
In the lab, with my shorts pulled down and my shantab pulled up I lie on the gurney on my side as the nurse gives me the local anesthetic to prepare me for the procedure. I chat easily with the nurse and the tech as well as the doctor when he comes in, the small talk that helps me be more at ease in such an unnatural situation. At least this time I am more confident that this is simply routine with nothing to find in the specimens that will be taken.
Oddly, despite the overall unnaturalness of the whole situation, everything about the entire procedure seems so familiar and so “normal.” I don't flinch with the spring release on each biopsy needle and even understand the locations that the doctor reports to the nurse to record for each sample. I don't even have the curiosity to see the ultrasound monitor as I had wished to do do during the previous biopsies.
This time I know fully what to expect. It won't be quite as easy a recovery as the first one had been, but it won't be too bad either. I'll have a little bleeding both rectal and urinary, a bit more than some others might because of the anticoagulants I normally take, but it won't last all that long. I also know not to be surprised by how much I'll hurt when the anesthetic wears off. After all, the doctor has just jabbed a dozen holes through my rectum into my prostate gland. At least knowing how much it will hurt, will make it no surprise and keep me from worrying when it does.

Thursday, November 17, 2011.
Finally it is the day for me to get the results of my latest prostate biopsy!! I did get a preview of the results when a nurse practitioner in another clinic looked at the report, but she couldn't really interpret it except to tell me that the word “carcinoma” was not in it. While that was significantly good news, I really want the full interpretation.
Unfortunately, the Urology/Oncology clinic seems to be running behind today. I was about ten minutes past my appointment time seeing the nurse, but it is now fully an hour past the appointment time and I haven't seen the doctor yet. At least I'm not in any kind of pain like some of my fellow patients, but I am still anxious to get whatever news this is. Finally, almost an hour and fifteen minutes late, I am called in to see the doctor. As it turns out I see two doctors, a senior resident and a junior resident.
The junior takes the lead in explaining that my PSA is well within normal bounds, although still not as low as we would wish after radiation therapy. Nevertheless, with no sign of cancer in any biopsy sample we won't be scheduling any more biopsies. Monitoring will just be continuing the PSA tests accompanied with digital rectal examinations. In fact, he does one today and pronounces, based on that and the PSA and the biopsy, that there is no sign of cancer now. I have to comment that I can tell that he lacks some of the experience that other doctors and nurse practitioners who have given me DREs have had, but I do understand that he is gaining that experience in his residency. However, I do wish he had gotten a little more practice before he saw me, because he did seem to be searching for my prostate rather than knowing exactly where it should be.
Now, I feel I should celebrate as I had promised myself long ago by dining on Thai food. Unfortunately, the Thai restaurant that we had in Plant City has closed and I am already short of funds at this point in the month. I have considered the option of going to one of the Thai temples where I would be invited to dine with their monks, but that has not worked out yet on any of the Sundays that I might go. Nevertheless, I shall see whether there is a restaurant in Lakeland or Brandon where I may order takeout. I also look forward to going on a pilgrimage to Wat Florida Dhammaram to visit their shrines as soon as I can manage that.

When I reflect on how I got to this point in this “Journey through Cancer,” I must acknowledge that it has not been just through modern Western medicine that I have reached the state of having no sign of cancer. I have also utilized alternative and herbal medicine bolstered by spiritual practices. These have worked even after the radiation therapy had ceased its beneficial effects. They have also been of great benefit when dealing with the negative aftereffects of that therapy. Moreover the spiritual practices have helped me to see the bigger picture of which this bout with cancer is but a small part.
I am not in this thing alone. Nor have these events in my life been confined to this lifetime in their origins and effects. While I may have some indications of some of the Karmic traces with which I may have entered this particular rebirth, there are most likely others of which I have no clue. Indeed that doesn't matter nearly as much as what I do with them.
Early in my life, in my infancy, I was too immature to know what to do. When I got a little older but not much more mature, I could complain and even feel that it was grossly unfair that I should have to deal with so much medical stuff. At other times, as a science geek, I was fascinated by the technical aspects. Through all of that I was focused on me, me, me.
Only since becoming Buddhist have I come to understand that it is not about me at all. While I indeed am responsible for the Karmic seeds I have planted in the past which have borne fruit in this lifetime, I have the choice of what to do with the circumstances in which I find myself. Each day I must focus my attention on how best to serve all sentient beings. Whether formally or informally practicing Tonglen, whenever I dedicate my pain, my illness, my difficulty or my struggle to the benefit of all beings, sincerely desiring to relieve their pain, their illness, their difficulty or their struggle, indeed all their suffering, my negative Karma is purified. It need not carry forward into future rebirths.
“I rely on you, buddhas and bodhisattvas, until I achieve enlightenment. Please grant me enough wisdom and courage to be free from delusion.
“If I am supposed to get sick, let me get sick, and I’ll be happy. May this sickness purify my negative karma and the sickness of all sentient beings.
“If I am supposed to be healed, let all my sickness and confusion be healed, and I’ll be happy. May all sentient beings be healed and filled with happiness.
“If I am supposed to die, let me die and I’ll be happy. May all the delusion and the causes of suffering of beings die.
“If I am supposed to live a long life, let me live a long life and I’ll be happy. May my life be meaningful in service to sentient beings.
“If my life is to be cut short, let it be cut short and I’ll be happy. May I and all others be free from attachment and aversion.”

Aspirations

2011-09-28T21:18:00.001-04:00

As I travel I am keenly aware of my responsibility to all other Buddhists, especially Tibetan Buddhist monks. Even as a getsul and a "young monk in an old body," I know that I am nothing special but just the phenomenon that results from certain causes under certain conditions.I know I am not the ideal monk and I know I am a "baby" Buddhist and "baby" monk, nevertheless I share the Dharma as well as I can and do not hesitate to say, "I don't know."

I have been most blessed in my life. Back in June 2009, I was most fortunate to meet His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche, a genuine mahasiddha. That was a life changing event for me. However, I had not been able to find another opportunity to receive his teachings until this year. I do not intend to allow that much time pass before I see him again. At our ages I cannot waste that much time.

Therefore, I aspire to go our to Garchen Institute in Chino Valley, Arizona. I am not sure when or how. The two occasions which most appeal to me are:

1) Late December to attend Phowa and Bardo teachings and bring in the Western New Year with Rinpoche.

or 2) To go to the Yamantaka Retreat in February, not to attend the retreat, but rather to serve the retreat. I am not ready for such a retreat, but, “I exist to serve.”

I don't know which of these is within my reach to do or even whether either of them is. Nevertheless, I have researched the least expensive way to get there which is by Greyhound Bus to Flagstaff and local shuttle to Chino Valley. I do plan to undertake my own fundraising by looking for things around here that I may sell on eBay, perhaps even making a few craft items for it as well.

Food Not Bombs - Why Doesn't Everybody Get the Idea?

2011-07-29T20:21:00.000-04:00

Today I spent my day with a bunch of kids who are all probably less than half my age. Anarchists everyone, as far as I know. I hope that I can call them my friends, because they are doing what so many “respectable people” are not doing, feeding hungry people. No sermon, no politics, just vegan food served to whoever comes up. They are open enough to accept me, a Tibetan Buddhist monk, to join them in their work.
We began at 11:00 AM preparing the meal. I peeled and chopped onions and washed and peeled potatoes, while someone else cut up the potatoes and someone else peeled and chopped garlic. We each had some part in preparing the soup, if only taste testing it. A rice cooker made the rice simple and foolproof. Green beans sautéed with garlic and tomatoes rounded out the menu. In true anarchist fashion nobody was really in charge and everyone contributed to the effort.
The product of our morning's labor was put into insulated transport containers and loaded onto a bike trailer with the sign, the table, the utensils and the water container. Another bike trailer was loaded with donated bread, maybe a day or so old, but the kind that I cannot afford to buy. While they bicycled to Boston Common, I caught buses and the subway to get there. Unfortunately, the spot on a church's steps where we served last Friday was blocked with a rope and marked with a “No Trespassing” sign. Undaunted, the kids set up on the sidewalk on that side of Boston Common which was easily wide enough.
From our place on the sidewalk, we served soup and rice and green beans to whoever wanted it. It was free as was the bread that anyone could take as much as they desired. There was a container for donations, but none were expected nor even requested. Furthermore, everyone was treated with equal courtesy and respect, no matter what their circumstances or appearance might be. Moreover, not only did I recognize some of our guests from last Friday, but also the kids very obviously knew many of them quite well.
I describe these young people as “Anarchists,” but there is a diversity of views within the spectrum of that category. There are probably some who have as little use for Marxist doctrine as they do for the Tea Party agenda. While they have great respect for everyone seeing them as equals, they might have a little trouble maintaining equanimity toward those who gave us obviously disapproving looks. At my age and with my training especially as a Buddhist, I can see all of these people as equal in their suffering even if it is of different kinds.
Nevertheless, I plan to continue volunteering with these kids to cook and serve free food. I am truly sad that there are places where this is not possible, either because there is not a functioning group or because it is being actively persecuted. At this time when the fortunes of so many have suffered a reversal, how can we not show compassion by feeding the hungry? Don't we all realize that it could so easily be us who are needing to be fed? Indeed from my point of view as a Buddhist IT IS US!

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 89 – Not The End Really, But Another Beginning

2011-07-19T08:51:00.001-04:00

Over the past couple of months I have gone through an interesting, exciting and dramatic progression of ceremonies, each building on the other and with a definite spiritual direction. Since the series was not planned, it would seem that it bears signs of positive Karmic seeds reaching fruition. As I wrote previously, I was able to attend a teaching with Garchen Rinpoche in Philadelphia where I took Bodhisattva vows very simply. Later I was able to attend the Drikung Kagyu Great Bodhicitta Empowerment with Nubpa Rinpoche at Tibetan Meditation Center in Frederick, Maryland. That I described as Bodhisattva vows “long form.”

In July I was most fortunate to attend the Kalachakra for World Peace 2011 with His Holiness the Dalai Lama. Since the Kalachakra Empowerment is very powerful and the Kalachakra practice is seen as a very effective means toward Buddhahood, vows are part of the preparation for it. Upasika (householder) vows were given, because it represents a higher level of commitment than being nominally Buddhist. Bodhisattva vows were given, because “without compassion there is no enlightenment.” Tantric vows were given, because the Kalachakra practice is a higher tantric practice although not highest tantric practice.

The first day of the event was actually the celebration of His Holiness the Dalai Lama's 76 ^th birthday. Then the prayers of the next five days were preparatory for the empowerment with His Holiness teaching in the afternoons of the latter three days. He taught us about meditation and about the life of a bodhisattva. Not coincidentally, I was able to attend a screening of “For the Benefit of All Beings,” the life story of His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche, a genuine mahasiddha. Furthermore, I was fortunate to be sitting only two rows back from Rinpoche at the Kalachakra event for the first few days until he was invited to be among the monastics on the stage. The Kalachakra Empowerment was only Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of the second week. At that, each of those days began with the “ self generation prayers” of His Holiness and the monks from his monastery and Wednesday was called “Preliminary Empowerment of Students.” Nevertheless, for a preliminary, it was very powerful and nature seemed to echo the energy with a thunderstorm, perhaps because serious commitments were being made as vows were taken. The next two afternoons were likewise dramatic and profoundly moving.

Furthermore, the logistical task of distributing saffron water and other needs for the ceremonies to so large a crowd was handled so well that it seemed no great feat at all. Words cannot express properly my feelings as I sought by intention and attention to participate as fully as possible in the empowerment especially when the monastics on stage stood in for the rest of us when it would have been impossible for us to touch or be touched by a ritual object. On such occasions, space and time are not limiting factors to such spiritual practices.

However not all the experiences that made this event so special and life-changing happened inside the Verizon Center as part of the scheduled activities. For one thing, from the start I found myself receiving honors above my place including from monastics very much senior to me. Indeed I realized that I have to go beyond my joking about being “a baby monk in an old body” to consciously dedicating the honors to monks who deserve such honor and may not receive it. For an example of deep humility I had before me daily His Holiness the Dalai Lama who says so often, “I am just a simple monk.” As if that were not enough, there was also Garchen Rinpoche who says, “I have no special qualities.” Indeed, it is his example that keeps me reminding myself that this phenomenon which you know as Konchok Jangchup Dorje or any other name is but the product of certain causes under certain conditions and anything which may seem praiseworthy is just the result of that.

I was most fortunate to stay at Chua Hoa Nghiem, a Vietnamese Buddhist temple in Fort Belvoir, Virginia. The generosity, kindness and hospitality not only of the couple who arranged it but also of the abbot and the other guests staying there was overwhelming. To that I have to add the very great generosity of so many toward the ordained was so great that it felt like my heart would burst from the profound gratitude that I felt and continue to feel. However, when I spoke of this to a friend, she pointed out to me the obligation that I bear on my side of this relationship to practice for these generous donors, indeed to be the best monk that I can be for them. As another friend put it, I am a monk for him, because he knows he cannot be one. Once again, just as in my ordination, it is not about me, but rather about how I may benefit others.

Since I was a teenager, people have seemed to instinctively find me someone in whom they can confide in spite of not being all that mature at the time. Throughout many years this has continued and indeed was part of my service as a Christian clergyman. My robes naturally add to this and I find myself talking with people who might not approach me in “civilian clothes.” Now maybe I have a little more to give them when I can share a little bit of the Dharma with them. This same phenomenon occurred as I traveled about the DC area whether walking, riding the train or doing business in an office or store. Indeed, I think that something about the whole experience of the Kalachakra event increased it. Here again it is not about me, but rather about being of benefit to sentient beings.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama, as an emanation of the bodhisattva of compassion, Chenrezig, often talks about compassion and loving-kindness. He has even stated that compassion and altruism are practical and make good sense. However, there are many who are skeptical of that view. Nevertheless, I had an experience which showed at least one way that it is clearly true. On the second Thursday of the event, after the “Preliminary Empowerment of Students,” the Vietnamese abbot and I and a couple of other people headed to the subway station to make our way back to the temple. As we approached the platform we encountered a “ human traffic jam,” a great mass of people pushing and shoving but not going anywhere. I do not do well with crowds, too many people too close together. Normally I experience serious anxiety. On this occasion, as usual I began to feel anxious. However, another person and I conceived to make a path for the abbot and set out to make a way in the crowd and eventually got through. At that point I realized that I was not anxious nor did I become so afterward. Completely focused on the wellbeing of the abbot, no anxiety arose at all. Here again it is not about me, but rather about being of benefit to sentient beings.

With about 850 monastics attending the Kalachakra for World Peace 2011, it seems strange that I should be among the few that non-Buddhists and very new Buddhists found to be particularly approachable. Nevertheless, I was repeatedly asked questions and sought out to explain things. Whatever the reason behind it, I was able so often to share a little of the Dharma with some people who may not get another chance to encounter it. In that I am including those whom I met on the streets, in stores and on trains and buses which seems to be the norm in my life. Here again it is not about me, but rather about being of benefit to sentient beings.

Having spent time around Garchen Rinpoche and also having seen the documentary film of his life, it is clear that he sees the reason for his existence as being of benefit to all beings. Indeed, he was born yet another time for no other purpose in his view and in the view of others. While I am not on the same level as a realized being, I have long maintained, “I exist to serve.” This was a seed that sprouted during my time as Christian clergy and grew during my period of Native American and Pagan spirituality and now is beginning to mature in my life as a Tibetan Buddhist monk. This isn't some dull, dreary and drab mode of existence, but an exciting, rewarding, satisfying, fulfilling way to live, to truly live. Here again it is not about me, but rather about being of benefit to sentient beings.

When I decided to take monastic ordination as a Tibetan Buddhist monk, I resigned myself to the “ facts” that I could never be a lama and that I could never spend very long in a monastery in India or Nepal. Since my source of health care is the Veterans Administration system, I cannot go longer than six months and still receive my regular medications. This has seemed to be immutable truth. However, now that I have survived cancer and not only by conventional medical treatments but also by utilizing alternatives that have included herbs, nutrition, and spiritual practices, it seems entirely possible that there might be a path to better health. Indeed I might be able to follow a course which would get me to a sufficiently good state of health that three year retreat or an extended stay in an overseas monastery might be possible. Either of those possibilities could give me greater means to be of service to others, perhaps even having more than the little bit of Dharma that I have active in my life at present. Here again it is not about me, but rather about being of benefit to sentient beings.

When I reflect on my life as I have lived it up to the present moment, I have tried many things, not all of them successfully. Indeed there are a lot that would fall into the category of nonvirtue, but at least not into the category of heinous acts. However, there is nothing that I have ever done that is totally wasted, no matter how much I may regret having done it, as long as it may be turned to the benefit of others. Indeed, those very things are among the causes and conditions that have resulted in the phenomenon we know as Konchok Jangchup Dorje who hopes now to be of benefit to all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 88 – On the Road for the Dharma - continued

2011-07-02T23:30:00.001-04:00

The time now comes for my first “snow bird” summer in Boston. While most people prefer to fly, because it is the fastest mode of travel, my preferred mode of travel is by train. Therefore, I choose the train whenever I can, and I booked this trip on Amtrak.

As I travel on the train, I am keenly aware of my responsibility to all other Buddhists, especially Tibetan Buddhist monks. Even as a getsul and a "young monk in an old body," I know that I am nothing special but just the phenomenon that results from certain causes under certain conditions. Nevertheless, the time spent talking to two inebriated young men with compassion, loving-kindness, and complete acceptance is also the result of those same causes and conditions. Out of it, perhaps they may gain something toward spiritual growth.

Inevitably, almost every aspect of a trip like this is an act of sharing the Dharma. Many people I meet as I travel by train or bus have never met any kind of monk, much less a Tibetan Buddhist monk. While I know I am not the ideal monk and I know I am a "baby" Buddhist and "baby" monk, nevertheless I share the Dharma as well as I can and do not hesitate to say, "I don't know."

This morning a situation developed which seemed appropriate for the practice of tonglen. A condition of conflict arose between a small group of passengers and a member of the train staff. It was clearly a matter of misunderstanding and misperception, especially considering that the group had been drinking. Nevertheless, there was nothing I could do directly. Therefore, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to practice tonglen to provide concrete help.

After quietly saying a few opening prayers, I began meditating on taking away their suffering and giving them peace. At the same time, I was turning my prayer wheel. I am not particularly experienced in the practice of tonglen. Therefore when the level of tension subsided and peace prevailed, I am inclined to attribute it to the blessings Chenrezig through the prayer wheel. About all that I supplied was the good intention, the opening prayers, the turning of the prayer wheel, and the dedication.

This is like the benefit my fellow train passengers receive from seeing me, because I am wearing the "Liberation through Seeing" pin that H.E. Garchen Rinpoche gave away. One passenger may have given himself even more benefit by photographing me with it visible. Furthermore, spinning my prayer wheel spreads so many blessings.

I keep reminding myself that I have taken Bodhisattva vows. Therefore, in addition to my concept that I exist to serve, I have made the commitment not only to follow the path to Buddhahood but also to lead every sentient being along the same path.

While on the train on the night before I am to arrive in Boston, after turning my cell phone off for the night, I received a call that I would have a place to stay in Washington, DC, for the entire Kalachakra for Peace event. Furthermore, upon arriving at the center in Arlington, MA, I find out that the group will be driving to DC. However, before these developments came to fruition, I had reached the decision that, having been chosen for a ticket, I would attend even though I might not have lodgings or a better way to travel. In that case I planned that I would take a Greyhound bus to arrive early on July 6 ^th, that I would attend only the birthday celebration for His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and that I would take the bus back to Boston that same night. As I told someone after I got to Boston, I had concluded that, if I had to make that Greyhound ride, it would likely have been that someone on those buses needed exposure to the Dharma and perhaps the blessings from the prayer wheel.

As we say in the second half of our prayer “ Taking the Bodhisattva Vow,” “ As the previous Buddhas cultivated the enlightened mind and progressed on the bodhisattva's path, I too, for the benefit of all sentient beings, give birth to Bodhicitta and Apply myself to accomplish the stages of the path.”

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 88 – On the Road for the Dharma

2011-06-21T23:17:00.001-04:00

In early May we set out from central Florida on a road trip, a Dharma road trip. Our first destination was Queens, New York, where we were delivering a lady to her friend's home as she was moving back to New York. On the way we sometimes chanted mantras and I sometimes read the 37 Bodhisattva Practices which we discussed. Sometimes the lady we were helping move home would say Yoruba prayers as we crossed rivers. We took the more “scenic route” to be able to show her Myrtle Beach and other sights. When we did stop for the night, the ladies shared a room and I had a room to myself. After we arrived in Queens and unloaded the van, we were treated to an excellent homemade supper and took another overnight rest.

Departing Queens in the morning, we headed for Boston where the sponsor of this trip took care of family matters while I had a good visit with my Lama. I am most fortunate that I have as patient a Lama as I do, because I am not the best at communicating with him as I should nor am I as swift at putting into practice his advice. Nevertheless, he still works with me and doesn't give up on me.

Back in June 2009, I was most fortunate to meet His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche, a genuine mahasiddha. That was a life changing event for me. However, I had not been able to find another opportunity to receive his teachings. Most fortunately, I have now been able to attend additional teachings that he gave as well as a White Tara Retreat that he led.

First, we managed to get to the last afternoon session of teachings he gave in Philadelphia. Indeed this might have been the most fortuitous circumstance in that, although we missed the actual “teachings,” we arrived just in time for a question and answer session. Significantly, there were several questions that I should have asked at some time but never did. These answers were very important for me to hear.

Another important part of our experience with Rinpoche is that we were able to hear his teachings on Bodhisattva vows and receive the vows from him. Although I had wanted to take the vows before, I had not been able to do so yet.

We were next able to attend the White Tara Retreat at Mahwah, New Jersey. Although I had already more than once received a White Tara empowerment, receiving it from Garchen Rinpoche is a very powerful experience. The particular sadhana text that we used is especially dramatic in its visualizations and chants and itself a very moving experience. Furthermore, practicing several times a day with Rinpoche himself is a very powerful spiritual experience. I even learned to play the damaru and bell better by following Rinpoche's lead.

Nevertheless, perhaps the most significant aspect of the whole four days was being in Rinpoche's presence. I was most fortunate that he invited me to sit next to him at most of the meals. One of the things he had talked about in the question and answer session in Philadelphia was that we should quit eating just at the point that we have ceased to be hungry rather than eating until we are sated. Although I had understood this principle, I had always found that point hard to identify and stopping at that point most difficult to do. In Rinpoche's presence, I not only identified when I had ceased to be hungry, but also managed to stop eating when I reached it. I have continued to be able to recognize the point, but I have not always stopped eating when I should. Nonetheless, I can continue to work on it.

When the retreat was over, it was hard to leave. Not only did we want to spend more time with Rinpoche, but we also had made friends with people that we would not soon see again, because we live so far apart. As we did leave, we planned our return trip to Florida to take us far from New York City, because, on our way to Mahwah, we had gotten caught in a construction zone and lost track of highway signs resulting in our taking the Holland Tunnel and driving north through the length of Manhattan. In order to avoid a repeat of that driving experience we headed west into Pennsylvania far enough before heading south that we would be nowhere near New York City. However, we got a little lost in Amish country before getting back to the Interstate Highway System. Sometimes we were driving slowly behind Amish buggies and sometimes behind Mennonite tractors. We were chanting mantras, especially the White Tara mantra. Sometimes we opened the window and chanted the Amitabha mantra at the cows, wishing them a rebirth in Dewachen or at least a better rebirth than this one.

After returning home to Florida, it was only a couple of weeks before I was heading out on another Dharma road trip. There had just been teachings in Pinellas County by the 12 ^th Nubpa Tulku Konchok Tenzin Rinpoche, but I had not been able to get to any of them. I had my biopsy on the first day of the teachings and was not sufficiently recovered from it to make the remaining two days. Therefore, since this was the first U.S, trip for this very special teacher, I was highly motivated to attend whatever of his teachings I might.

On this trip, I set out alone in my sponsor's car to rendezvous with her at one of the DC airports. According to Google Maps that would take from fourteen and a half hours to twenty and a half hours, depending on whether I took the Interstate Highways or the older roads. Since I would be driving alone and at my age I need frequent “pit stops,” I planned to switch back and forth between these routes. Furthermore, with the expected arrival time of my sponsor's flight, there was no point in getting to the DC area too early.

Therefore, after a nap, with the White Tara mantra on the CD player, I set off for a late night drive north. Furthermore, since the car has a display which shows current fuel economy, in another effort to maintain alertness, I decided to make a game of seeing how economically I could drive. Chanting the White Tara mantra with the CD, I sought to project compassion and serenity to all those on the road with me. Occasionally I even sought to generate myself as White Tara in keeping with the practice we did at the White Tara Retreat although I could not stop to read from the text but rather did what I could from memory.

I truly do not know about the benefit of my part in those spiritual practices, but I am certain of the sense which stayed with me that I was not traveling alone and that Arya Tara was indeed blessing my fellow travelers. More than once I was behind an eighteen-wheeler that was wandering from one side to the other of its lane, sometimes crossing the line, only to see them get safely to a rest stop without incident. I cannot know that what I did benefited them, but I felt sure that Tara looked after them, just as I am sure that she looked after me.

I followed US301 through most of the Carolinas which turned out to be most interesting to see the crops in the fields and the wild flowers in bloom. I also saw daylilies growing wild. I even saw something that looked like wheat growing in some fields although I was not aware of wheat being grown in this area. Indeed, if it was wheat, it was a variety which grew shorter than what I am used to seeing. Nevertheless, this and the beautiful small towns made for an interesting ride compared to the boring sights along I95. I also made note of the cheaper motels in case I needed to find one on the return trip.

As I approached Washington, DC, I used GPS navigation on my phone to get through the maze of highways to find the airport. Nevertheless, between the highway construction on I395 and an accident on a ramp, I found myself in a traffic jam just inching along. Since I was moving only a few feet at a time until I got out of the congested area, I not only chanted the White Tara mantra but I also started spinning my prayer wheel. Perhaps all those drivers needed the blessings radiating from the prayer wheel as well as those from the mantra. I am only certain that I remained perfectly calm and peaceful throughout the delay. By the time I reached Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport's cellphone lot, it was evening again. However, my sponsor's flight had been canceled due to bad weather along the route. Not being allowed to be there longer than one hour, I set out for a coffee shop where I could wait while she made her new flight arrangements. Just as the GPS features on my phone had helped me find my way to this airport as well as helping me navigate a few other times already, it showed me coffee shops across the Potomac, in an area called “Crystal City.”

“Crystal City” turned out to be a very upscale collection of hotels and shops and high-rise office buildings. As it happened, all three coffee shops that had shown up from the Internet were already closed by the time I got there. A quick glance at the posted menus at the restaurants in the area showed me that I couldn't afford anything on them. Nevertheless, perhaps these people also needed the blessings radiating from my prayer wheel in addition to just the experience of seeing a Tibetan Buddhist monk. At least a few responded with a slight bow and the greeting, “Namaste,” indicating that they had some idea what I am. In any case, I soon got the call that I needed to get to Baltimore Washington International Airport in a few hours. As it turned out this little excursion was brief enough that I had not incurred a fee for parking, but I did have quite a challenge getting out of the area and back onto a highway.

By the time I got to the part of Maryland near BWI, I had been awake far too long to be safe to drive. Therefore, I checked for a motel that I could afford, but the first few were a bit too costly, especially considering that there would be less than five hours until the flight should arrive. Continuing to look, I found some that rented their rooms by the hour which I could afford. I had not been in a hotel or motel that rented by the hour since my days as a drunken sailor. Interestingly, the young man who rented the room (cash transaction, no ID required) asked me about my robes and I explained that I am a Tibetan Buddhist monk. When I got into my room, I decided that it might not be good to turn back the covers and laid on top of the instead. I soon realized that I could not fall asleep. Therefore, I spent the time chanting, meditating and spinning the prayer wheel until time to get my shower to refresh me for the drive to the airport.

When I went into the airport area, I had trouble finding their cellphone lot and wound up making several circuits of the roads within the airport complex. I even went twice around what would be called the “perimeter road” which encircled the entire property. As soon as I reached at the cellphone lot and parked, I got my call to meet my sponsor at the terminal. We then set out for Boston where Nubpa Rinpoche would be giving a Milarepa Empowerment and teaching on the 100,000 Songs of Milarepa as well as giving a Hayagriva Empowerment on the weekend.

I was most fortunate to be able to receive these empowerments from this specific teacher. A number of people commented on how powerful they were. One lady, comparing the experience with a teaching she had received from a modern Western teacher, said of Nubpa Rinpoche, “He's the real deal.” Personally, I was most profoundly blessed that my Lama directed me to sit immediately to Rinpoche's left at the foot of the stairs by which he went up to the throne. This placed me, according to traditional protocol, in the place of honor only second after his chief attendant and translator, a place I could not deserve but which I was profoundly honored to have had, once I realized its significance.

I was also most honored to take most of my meals with Rinpoche, including going out to eat along with him as one of the monastics when he was invited out to eat. On one such occasion I even was directed by my Lama to participate in the blessing of a home. On another occasion I was an embarrassment by almost falling into a piece of furniture because I had been too foolish to bring my cane with us. Nevertheless, Rinpoche's compassion, loving-kindness and bodhicitta were always apparent. Indeed, I came to feel that he was the definition of “Rinpoche,” a precious one.

On the Monday after the weekend's teachings, a group of us accompanied him to the airport to see him off with katags. Having grabbed the first one at hand before leaving, it turned out to be one of the elaborate ones with all the auspicious symbols in color. While I felt it was perfectly appropriate for how I felt about Rinpoche, I was not sure it was appropriate for a monk to give. Nevertheless, I presented to Rinpoche fully intending to be at his teachings in Frederick, Maryland, the next morning. Having done my laundry and packed, I took a nap before leaving.

Although I maintained a good speed on the highway and was well supported by chanting the White Tara mantra as I drove, my need for frequent “pit stops” put me behind schedule. As it turned out, I arrived after the morning session with the “Ten Dharma Activity” empowerment had already begun. I chose to sit outside on the porch to avoid creating a disturbance and only joined the other monastics inside after the first break.

I soon volunteered to handle “Lama care” which included supplying Rinpoche with his tea. For me this is a very practical extension of Guru Yoga, to serve them with devotion. I felt great joy when Rinpoche told me that I should teach everyone else the recipe for making his tea as it had been made that morning, but I had to humble myself enough to admit to him that although I had made it right, I had also made all the mistakes before that time.

For three and a half days RInpoche taught the Uttaratantra Shastra- the key text on buddhanature and more importantly the main sutra source for Gampopa, Phagmo Drukpa and Jikten Sumgon's mahamudra teachings. These are very profound teachings and I still have not completed transcribing my notes. Most fortunately he also gave us the reading transmission, because I shall probably take a long time studying this fundamental text.

On the weekend, he gave us the "Drikung Great Bodhicitta Generation” empowerment and the related teachings. While this is indeed about generating not only aspiration and action bodhicitta but also ultimate bodhicitta in the mindstream of the student, it is also the taking of Bodhisattva vows in what I would call “long form.” Having so recently taken them with Garchen Rinpoche, it strikes me as not entirely coincidental that Garchen Rinpoche was involved in preparing the text that Nubpa Rinpoche used with us. Also as the ritual involved making offerings to the Lama as the Buddha it seemed most auspicious that I had already been doing so as my duty in “Lama care” and even had made flower offerings by providing a small fresh bouquet of mountain laurel for Rinpoche's desk each day.

This was a most profoundly moving and life changing experience for me. The teachings not only deepened my appreciation for the vows and my commitment for keeping them, but also provided me with practical means for preser4ving and renewing them on a daily basis. Furthermore, Rinpoche explained the steps to mend them, provided we do not let our breach go for longer than one day.

Unfortunately, I could not stay past the weekend because I had a medical appointment that I could not change. Therefore, having washed and packed my clothes, I again set out on the road in the night. This time my goal was to get past Washington, DC, and Richmond, Virginia, before their rush hour traffic. Again I had the White Tara mantra playing on the CD and I chanted along with it. I held the firm commitment to preserve compassion and loving-kindness and whatever little bit of bodhicitta existed in my mindstream.

While I started out from Frederick off of the main highway guided by GPS navigation, it soon seemed that my route was too far off the main highways and I changed the settings to find the Interstate Highways. I had set out early enough that there would not be so much traffic on them anyway. I guess Arya Tara's blessings got spread through these residential and country neighborhoods before they began to be spread to the other drivers on the highways. For much of my drive I alternated between I95 and US301 which helped me avoid the traffic backed up by an accident on the Interstate and gave me the opportunity for a country breakfast.

Although I had already begun looking for a motel room that I could afford, when I reached Lumberton, NC, I knew I had to find one soon. I was too sleepy to drive safely any farther. I was fortunate to find a truckers motel, clean and economical. As it turned out the manager was from India and felt that his sons should know about and appreciate Buddhism even though they are Christian. Unfortunately, I had no books with me that I could have given him (but I mailed him something after I got home). In the predawn hours, having gotten a few provisions for the road and then a good night's sleep, I set out on the road again. By the afternoon, I was returning my sponsor's car and driving my little old pick up back home.

Although the road trip was over, its effects are still evident. I often say, “I exist to serve.” Bodhisattva vows are just the natural extension of that for me as a Tibetan Buddhist monk. I cannot always say how that service may develop, but I must always be ready to act in service of all sentient beings. Furthermore, I must strive vigilantly to preserve these vows from the least attitude or inclination which might be contrary to the compassion and loving-kindness and bodhicitta which must always be the governing principles of my life.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 87 - “Surveillance”

2011-06-19T16:11:00.000-04:00

I am now in the phase of this “journey through cancer” that is called “surveillance” during which tests continue to be run to find out whether the cancer has returned. This can be a very fearful time if one has reason to expect the cancer to come back and has no spiritual resources to deal with the uncertainty inherent in this situation.
As a Buddhist I know that whatever the present situation may be, it will change. Such is the nature of impermanence, a basic characteristic of our samsaric existence. Furthermore, I am also certain that my present circumstances result from my decisions and actions in the past, what we call Karma. However, because we are really talking about cause and effect, there are several very bright and promising aspects to this truth. Since all phenomena arise from causes under certain conditions, while I may not be able to alter the cause, I can change the conditions under which it comes to fruition. Moreover, my present decisions and actions create my future which should be good if I maintain altruistic motivation, compassion and loving-kindness.
Recently when I spoke of this “surveillance” phase, a friend said she knew several people who were “under surveillance” because of their past brushes with the law. However, it is not I who am under surveillance, but rather the possible returning cancer. Since my PSA has not gone under 1.0 after the radiation therapy and has twice gone over 4.0, even though it went back down, a prostate biopsy was done. Eleven of the twelve specimens showed no adenocarcinoma cells, but one showed, “Single, Rare atypical cells identified, suspicious for residual treated prostatic adenocarcinoma.” Nevertheless, the overall finding was, “No definitive adenocarcinoma is identified.” With such mixed results another biopsy was scheduled in six months.
I am also going to have another cystoscopy, because in the last one there were some lesions which the urologist felt bore watching. While most of the lesions which “probably” caused the bleeding which sent me to the ER are consistent with what should be expected after radiation therapy, a few were “suspicious.” We'll have another look at those.
Biopsies and cystoscopies are not pleasant procedures which I would rather not have to experience, but I really do not fear their results. If they should show some more cancer cells, we would have decisions to make as far as the next course of treatment. However, under the present circumstances I have my full array of alternatives to continue as preventative measures. I will continue to drink my “medicinal chai” and eat my “medicinal noodles,” but more importantly I shall continue my spiritual practices, Medicine Buddha sadhana practice, “one cure for a hundred ailments” inner yoga practice, and water blessed by “Karmapa black stone relics.” Moreover, as long as I have the strength and means I shall continue to study the Dharma both privately and at public teachings as opportunities arise.
I think this is another time to recall the three fierce mantras of Tsangpa Gyaré, “Whatever has to happen, let it happen!” “Whatever the situation is, it’s fine!” “I don’t need anything whatsoever (but the Dharma)!” And I really don't need anything except the Dharma which is what will get me through any situation whatever in which I find myself. Furthermore, it will keep me focused on what is truly important, being of service to all sentient beings and leading them all to Enlightenment.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 86 - Testing, Testing....

2011-05-06T06:30:00.001-04:00

As we progress through the testing to follow up on both the high PSA which has since gone down and the urinary bleeding which has since cleared up, I had to have a cystoscopy. Although the fiberoptic "scope" is not nearly as large as the one used for a colonoscopy, it is also passing through a much smaller structure. My previous experience with this procedure was "pain-free," but this time it was not. Oddly, at that time I had a painfully overly full bladder in addition to painful urination, but not even the anesthetic injections hurt. This time I have painful injections and end up with painful urination after the anesthetic wore off and even a little bleeding. Nevertheless, the pain did go away.
I would have hoped to have some definitive answers, but the results were mixed. There are lesions that are consistent with normal post-radiation changes which were probably the source of the bleeding. However, there are also some which bear watching to see whether they develop into a problem. Thus I am to be scheduled for another cystoscopy in a couple of months. At least it won't be the same day as the biopsy which would be too much in one day.
Despite the better PSA, it does seem best that the biopsy be done, because this is the second time since the radiation therapy that my PSA went too high and then came back down. Furthermore, my PSA has never gotten below 1 which would have been the expected value after successful radiation treatments. Of course, after the biopsy is done, I have to wait weeks for the result. Furthermore, this time the aftereffects were more significant to the extent that I was concerned that the bleeding would last long enough that I had to go back to the VA Hospital about it. That would have been very annoying because I already missed some very special teachings in the Tampa Bay area and I would have also missed out on the chance to receive teachings from His Eminence Garchen Rinpoche and attend a retreat led by him.
I see that I exist to serve, which means that I need to seek opportunities to serve as well as learning to serve. Furthermore, I must carefully survey the circumstances in which I find myself to find ways that they may be transformed into something which benefits others. One of the great truths of Buddhism is that we do not exist alone, but depend on others and others depend on us. We are not separate from all sentient beings, but rather are connected to them both by interdependence and by familial relationships.

An Armadillo Funeral

2011-04-23T12:51:00.001-04:00

This morning as soon as I could handle it, the armadillo that I had found dead in my driveway last night got a respectful burial. I am sure that it had had a difficult life as any wild animal would which finds itself living in close proximity to human beings. Furthermore, its body had been partially eaten last night when I found it and even more during the night.
I cannot say that it was an elegant funeral, but rather more of a pragmatic burial. In fact, I don't know what should be done for a proper Buddhist funeral and I am not a Lama or even a Bhikkhu. Nevertheless I chanted the Amitabha mantra and tried to focus my mind on the intention that this poor animal would have a good rebirth, perhaps as a human being. Afterward, I placed a wide board over the site in order that the body not be disturbed again but be able to peacefully decay.
In the light of many Buddhist teachings and principles, this was a great lesson. Once again we see another example of impermanence, in that everything born will die. Furthermore, I was given an opportunity to practice loving-kindness and compassion by chanting mantras and hoping for its good rebirth. Moreover, this was a good reminder that we are all related to all other sentient beings. Finally, we are so often reminded that all the good we do is for the benefit of all sentient beings such as this poor armadillo.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 85 – Waiting and Preparing continues

2011-03-22T14:13:00.001-04:00

The results of the culture of the urine specimen have come back negative. Nothing grew. Of course this points up the reason the urologist was not in a hurry to order the cystoscopy, the risk of introducing contamination into the sterile environment of the bladder. However, the urinalysis also revealed red blood cells which did not surprise me, because there have been a few more occasions of minor bleeding sufficient to tint my urine pink but not nearly as much as sent me to the ER.

A consequence of the little bit of blood in the urine is that, even though it is too little to see, it irritates the bladder enough to cause “urinary urgency.” On a couple of occasions I have not been fast enough getting to the bathroom. Therefore, I am going to make two adjustments. First, I have packed my “just in case bag” again, this time to handle my needs if I have a urinary accident away from home. Second, I have begun wearing urinary incontinence pads anytime I leave the house. I really had not anticipated taking these measures at this point, although I expected to need them once we got through diagnosis and treatment planning and the actual therapy had begun. Nevertheless, this has been characteristic of this particular journey, adapting to situations as they arise no matter what the plan might have been.

I benefit neither myself nor anyone else unless I am dealing with my circumstances as they actually are, not trying to fit them into the mold of what I would want them to be or to any form that I might imagine them to be. Indeed, in part, wasn't the Buddha's enlightenment about seeing reality as it truly is rather than being deceived by any illusion or delusion. Of course, I realize that my perception of reality is far from the state of enlightenment, but I also recognize that in that perception is a great power for change. Indeed, I am not using my feeble power in an effort to change the course of the universe, but rather using that power which I do have to change what is within my scope to change.

After many discussions of good and bad Karma, I have come to believe that there is no such thing as bad Karma. While I would not likely have chosen my circumstances of dealing with nearly dying so often and having so much medical stuff in my life, I can see the good that has come of it as well as understanding the origins of it in my own actions in previous rebirths. Karma is Karma. The causes were created by the decisions I made and the actions that I took. Now I have to ride out the waves of their consequences. Here in Florida, when a storm is offshore surfers flock to the beaches to ride the waves that come from it. They find their enjoyment in those waves regardless of the destructive power that created them. Similarly, the “wave” is here, I might as well find the good in riding it to shore.

I already know that my experience has benefited others when I have done hospital visitation. However, that was as Christian clergy which opened the door for me more than now as a Buddhist monk. Perhaps I need to be more persistent in making my availability known to the chaplains of the local hospitals and hospice organizations. While health issues may put some limits on my ability to serve in this manner, I have to put forth a greater effort, because this is not about me but about being of greatest benefit to other sentient beings.

The third and fourth of the “six perfections” are patience and perseverance (or diligence). While I wouldn't claim to have fully accomplished or to faultlessly practice the first and second, generosity and ethics, my present circumstances are giving me extensive opportunities to practice patience and perseverance.

Patiently or impatiently I have to wait the time it takes for tests to be scheduled and the results to be interpreted. I can do little to speed up the process. However, I do have control over how much discomfort the waiting causes. This is particularly true since I have a course of action that does not depend on the results of the tests or the diagnosis that ultimately comes from them.

This is where perseverance or diligence comes into the picture. Whether is is the nutritional support and alternative therapy basics or the spiritual practices, both need to be carried out on a continuing basis. If I am to get their benefits, I need to keep up drinking the herbal teas and eating the “medicinal noodles” and the greens. Furthermore, as I was taught about the “one cure for a hundred diseases,” I am supposed to do it daily for twenty-one days. At least I am remaining consistent in drinking the water blessed by the Karmapa black stone relics, even making my coffee and tea with it.

At this stage, my PSA has gone back down to be within the “normal” range. Nevertheless, we are going ahead with the cystoscopy and the biopsy. Of course this makes sense, because it is the second time that my PSA has gone high and then come back down.

Several weeks ago when I visited the Thai Buddhist temple in Kissimmee, I explained to the abbot that I was there to visit the shrines, because there was a possibility that the cancer had come back. He very offhandedly said, “They won't find anything.” I hope he is right. If that should be the result (a significant possibility since the PSA is down), I could view it in two different ways: either there never was any cancer to find or my alternative and spiritual treatment regimen worked. Of course there is no way to distinguish between those options, because they are perceptions.

This is rather like the difference between reality as it actually is and our perceptions of the phenomena we experience. Since I am not an enlightened being, although I like all sentient beings possess Buddhanature, I really cannot yet see past the appearance. Of course many of our Tibetan Buddhist practices as well as teachings by so many Lamas refer to the union of appearance and emptiness. I have not reached that state of realization, but I can aspire to it.

Meanwhile, I can try to utilize my experience to benefit all sentient beings. Furthermore, this kind of experience over so many years seems to have resulted in my having a particular affinity for Medicine Buddha practice. That is something that I have been doing to benefit all sentient beings.

A Perspective on Compassion

2011-02-24T01:09:00.001-05:00

I know that I have in the past had a tendency toward being a “lead foot” driver. Therefore, long ago I set for myself the firm rule that I would not drive more more than 5 miles over the posted speed limit. Since this means that I am slower than many cars on the road, I have to monitor my speedometer closely lest I inadvertently match speed with those driving faster than I intend to drive. That also means that I am often very aware of just how fast others are driving. Also being aware of my own inclination to drive faster, I'm slow to judge the speeding of other drivers. Nevertheless, as I see the growing number of drivers driving significantly faster than I drive, I have had to question their motivation.

This struck me particularly strongly tonight as I drove to Dharma teachings. A few drivers stood out not only because of their speed but also because of their particularly dangerous maneuvers as they drove. The first was a young man on a motorcycle, the kind that is sometimes called a “crotch rocket,” who passed me so fast that, based on my 74 mph reading on my speedometer, he had to be going faster than 100 mph, perhaps even as much as 110 or 120 mph. Not only was he traveling at such a high speed, but he was also weaving in and out of traffic. Another driver who was in an SUV was driving at an estimated 90 mph or more, but also used an exit ramp to pass other traffic just before the ramp completely split from the highway. Yet another SUV driver took the exit at significantly more than the 65 mph I was doing as I first left the highway, but also passed a couple of vehicles on the ramp before it split in two directions, the last time, so close to the other car that they braked abruptly. It would be hard to estimate that vehicle's speed before I lost sight of it, but I doubt it was close to the 35 mph posted at that point.

Each of these times I thought, “What could make someone drive like that?”

I spent some time speculating on what their reasons might be. Sadly, I could not come up with any rational, reasonable and healthy reason they might have. Every way I pursue the question of motivation I keep coming back to one or more of the following: an inflated sense of I-ness, or Ego ( Asmita ), Grasping or Attachment ( Raga ), Aversion or Dislike ( Dvesha ), and Fear ( abhinivesha), of course leading back to the Ignorance, or Absence of Correct Understanding ( Avidya) from which the se spring. Of course, this is no surprise, because most of what we do can be traced to these mental poisons. However, in cases like these drivers, it would seem that these are at an almost pathological extreme although I cannot seem to see much evidence of Fear ( abhinivesha) , considering the life-threatening character of such driving.

I found myself very uncomfortable with this line of thought which I first attributed to my own familiarity with these mental poisons in my own life. However, I also thought about His Holiness Chetsang Rinpoche's teaching on what compassion feels like. He said it is the feeling that one has when, upon seeing a leper, one finds it very hard to continue to look on the leper because it is painful to see someone in that state. In much the same manner, it is also painful to see in someone's behavior evidence of such a mentally, emotionally or spiritually diseased state. Quite naturally one does not become angry at sick people because of the symptoms of their disease. Rather one would want them to find their way to health or at least to less suffering.

That is another clear understanding that I reached. Such people are suffering at a profound level and to an extreme extent. Isn't their extreme behavior evidence of just how advanced their disease is and how great there suffering must be ?

Of course, I am not saying that such drivers are not responsible for their actions or for the harm that they may cause. However, my aspiration now becomes that they find the “cure for what ails them” before they do great harm to themselves or others. Toward that end, perhaps I can at least chant a few mantras for their enlightenment, because they are some of the “sentient beings” for whom I dedicate practice.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 85 – Waiting and Preparing

2011-02-07T15:31:00.001-05:00

Once again a battery of tests are required to determine precisely where the cancer is and how advanced it is. The starting point, merely due to appointment availability, is a bone scan. A small amount of a radioactive tracer is injected and then the scanner is used to look for places where it is concentrated which would be in areas of greater cell activity. There is about a two hour waiting period from the injection to the scan. Of course, that is in keeping with the nature of this phase of this process, waiting.

Besides going through the various tests that are required such as the bone scan, a CT scan of the pelvic region, a cystoscopy to look at my bladder, and probably another biopsy of the prostate, I am using this time to make certain preparations. I am even implementing some alternative therapies not only to prepare my body for any course of treatment we later choose but also to start to combat the cancer itself or at least impede its development.

I have started to prepare my medicinal chai every morning which will mask the taste of the herbs like pau d'arco as well as some that will support bladder health. I have already begun eating my “medicinal noodles” with the reishi mushroom and miso broth, shitake mushrooms, and broccoli. I have also begun drinking protein shakes to boost my intake of protein to help my body do its work. I probably will resume the aromatherapy that was recommended to me before my first round of cancer treatment.

Another area of preparation and treatment is actually the spiritual approach. I already needed to become more consistent in my daily Medicine Buddha practice. Furthermore, I was taught an inner yoga, a healing yoga, called the “one cure for a hundred diseases.” I need to start it on a regular basis and try to refine and advance in that practice. I also need to get more faithful in my studying if I am to be of maximum benefit to all sentient beings. Some of these things are needed whether there is cancer or not. However, on account of the cancer, I think I may start spending more time in mantra recitation during my Medicine Buddha practice. I also think I should maintain a list of those for whom I am particularly dedicating the practice. That would help me to more effectively focus my intention.

I am also most fortunate that I was given some "black stone Karmapa relics" when I was at Winter Retreat. I placed one in a jug of drinking water to bless it. From now until I am cancer-free, I shall try to only drink the blessed water, even making my tea and coffee with it.

About these relics I found the following information: "The re is yet another type of relic: The small sacred black stone relics from the shores of Lake Namtso- - a lake extremely sacred to the Karmapas. It is the largest salt water lake in Tibet, about a day and a half drive by jeep from Tsurphu.

"According to history, the Third Karmapa, Rangjung Dorje, visited Lake Namtso. The historical legend tells that he flew there by using his miraculous powers. As he stood near the lake, he threw a handful of black pills into the lake and requested the protectors of the Lake, Dorje Gurdak (a wrathful emanation of Guru Rinpoche) and other various Naga gods and demi-gods, to ever increase these black pills in number as a source of faith and for the benefit of beings in the future.

"About four centuries later, the Fourteenth Karmapa, Thekchok Dorje, came to the lake and requested Dorje Gurdak and another protector, Nyen Chenpo Thang-La, to be guardians of these sacred stone relics after throwing a handful of black pills into the lake. Still to this day they continue to appear around the shores of this lake and they are regarded as very auspicious relics, especially for filling statues."

(from Karmapa: His Holiness the 17th Gyalwa Karmapa, Urgyen Trinley Dorje by Ken Holmes, 1995.)

Probably the chief difficulty for me now is coping with the long interval between tests and the consequent delay in getting a definitive diagnosis and formulating a treatment plan. While the last PSA value is outside the normal range and the two successive readings almost doubled from the previous value, there still might be a possibility that this might not mean a return of the cancer with metastases. However I think that optimistic view is not likely since these PSA results were accompanied by bladder symptoms.

Nevertheless, the doctor in the Urology-Oncology clinic has suggested that the high PSA might be the result of prostatitis, an infection of the prostate gland, rather than a return of cancer. To help make that determination he has ordered a culture as part of another urinalysis. He has also ordered a particular antibiotic which he will phone me, telling me whether or not to take it. He did inform me, incidentally, that the bone scan did not show anything except an area of advancing osteoarthritis. Therefore, I still have more waiting with few answers.

At this stage I am getting lots of advice, suggestions for a variety of alternative therapies. At first I was inclined to try every one, but I think it may be better to stick with the ones I have used, adding only the water blessed by the black stone relics as well as the "one cure for a hundred diseases" inner yoga practice. These are the things in which I have the greatest confidence. Furthermore, they also advance my Tibetan Buddhist practice. This is not just a matter of my physical health, but, more importantly, a matter of the working out of my Karma and the application of my Dharma lessons to it.

Like everyone else who has had cancer, I am faced with the prospect of its return. Furthermore, at any time it may not only return in the prostate where it originally developed, but also it may occur anywhere else in the body. On the other hand, another disease process may be mistaken for the return of cancer. Balancing on this edge, not knowing what is actually happening in my body is difficult, but I cannot deal with what may be, only with what is. If I foolishly maintain an unfounded positive expectation, I set myself up for disappointment. On the other hand, if I equally foolishly maintain an equally unfounded negative expectation, I just promote depression.

As a Buddhist, the only acceptable view is one with no expectations, but prepared to deal with whatever comes when it comes. Indeed, it is only in the present that I may act and only within the actual circumstances that exist in the present moment. However, it is in just that way that I have total control over my own Karma, not only by handling the fruit of my past Karma in a way that benefits myself and others, but also by acting in a way that gives rise to positive Karma rather than negative. This is precisely what Dharma teachings mean by "the accumulation of merit," one of the two accumulations required for Buddhahood.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 84 - Karma and Compost

2011-01-27T00:17:00.001-05:00

This was originally written when I experienced such phenomenal positive and emotionally charged events for which I felt unworthy. Now, facing the potential of the return of the cancer that I had thought we had successfully treated, I see from another point of view the applicability of these ideas as well as new aspects regarding them. Therefore, I reiterate and expand on them. I have had occasion to reflect on how fortunate I have been in this lifetime. At some times I might not have thought so, but I have a different perspective now, a particularly Buddhist one.

Over my whole lifetime, even in infancy, I have been on the verge of dying although I often regarded myself as a hail and hardy fellow. To the Western mind so many close brushes with death and the consequent medical procedures and sometimes rigorous therapies and protracted recoveries are inexplicable. Or else they may be regarded as curses of fate or of some deity. However, for me as a Buddhist it is simply a matter of cause and effect, Karmic causality. In some previous lifetime, perhaps even several, I have done things for which these things are the natural result. These Karmic seeds may have followed across centuries, but they definitely took root in this rebirth.

Furthermore, the conventional thinking I was taught in our Western culture and even that in some Eastern cultures would regard all these “travails” as “ curses,” “bad luck,” or some such undesirable circumstance. For me, however, they are the most fortunate of circumstances, because they “burn up” all of that “negative karma” rather than having it continue to follow me through still more rebirths.

On the other hand, I can also see the positive Karmic seeds that have also come to fruition in this lifetime. I have a “precious human life” with all of the Eight Freedoms and Ten Endowments. I was not born in the Hell realms, as a hungry ghost, as an animal, in a place where teachings are unavailable, as a long-life god (always content and therefore with no motivation for progress), with wrong view (no understanding of karma, and no understanding of past and future lives), where no Buddha has appeared, or lacking the capacity to learn anything. I was born as a human being, where there are teachings, possessing five senses, not having committed heavy negative karmas, able to have confidence in and devotion to the Triple Gem, where a Buddha has appeared, where a Buddha has taught, where the Dharma teachings flourish, where there are followers who enter the pure path of Dharma, and where there is support from the kindness of others, including the spiritual master. Furthermore, I found those teachings and a Lama that I could trust.

When I was sitting in the room with the relic collection of the Maitreya Project Heart Shrine Relic Tour in Gainesville, Florida, I had to reflect that I was fortunate enough to have been with the relics twice already in my present lifetime and, on both of those occasions, I was there as a volunteer for the whole weekend. Furthermore, at that point I merely had the aspiration to attend once more as a volunteer over another weekend. That aspiration was actually fulfilled.

As if these were not enough good things to come together in my present lifetime, I was sitting there not only in the presence of such precious relics, a physical manifestation of the great compassion, loving kindness, and other spiritual qualities of Shakyamuni Buddha and these other Buddhist masters, but also as a beginning monk given the immense, incalculable, wondrous responsibility of giving blessings with the very relics of Shakyamuni Buddha. Sometimes my eyes filled with tears and other times it felt as though my heart might burst because of the powerful emotion I felt as well as the enormous energies perceptible in the room and from the relic stupa.

I commented to several people that weekend, and since then, that it is as though all those negative and positive karmic seeds came together in this particular lifetime and landed in compost. They have all born fruit abundantly!! So much negative karma has been burned away and continues to be burned away! Even at this late date in this lifetime, I have not only found the Dharma, but I have been able to devote myself to it and to its service as a monk! I have found a Lama who can guide my spiritual life with enough patience to put up with me and not give up on me! I have had the good fortune to meet not just one but two mahasiddhas in this one lifetime already!

Over the course of the cancer diagnosis, cancer treatment, and the recovery from the treatment, it has been amazing how far a tiny bit of the Dharma has carried me. In spite of the persistence of some of my bad habits, with the guidance and patience of my Lama, I actually am making a little progress, enough that I can perceive the change in me. On the other hand, I remain aware that I am still just a baby Buddhist and a baby monk and the least Drikungpa of all. Nevertheless, there are ways that I can be of service to others and to the Dharma. Nothing I have ever done is totally wasted. Either I have learned skills which find application now to such service or my misdeeds give me understanding and compassion for others. Everything that I do now needs to done with a view to benefiting all sentient beings. That is where its true worth lies. I am most thankful that some little bit of what I do stands up to that test.

I recently learned of the three fierce mantras of Tsangpa Gyaré:

1. “Whatever has to happen, let it happen!”

2. “Whatever the situation is, it’s fine!”

3. “I don’t need anything whatsoever (but the Dharma)!”

According to Rigpa Wiki:

“Tsangpa Gyaré is one of the founders of the Drukpa Kagyü school of Tibetan Buddhism. He established the monasteries of Longdol, Ralung (the principal seat of the Drukpa Kagyü) and Namdruk (after which the lineage was later named). He also opened the sacred place of Tsari.” As a Kagyu lineage it is related to our Drikung Kagyu lineage. However, it is more significant for me that it applies so well to the present circumstances as it does to almost any unexpected and unwanted situation. That definitely describes having a high PSA reading and having to go through more tests for a definitive diagnosis.

I was commenting to a friend that it seems that I shall not have the opportunity to carry much negative Karma forward into future rebirths. So much is getting purified with such intensity and force in the present lifetime. While the process may not be pleasant, the spiritual result seems desirable. Isn't this clearing away significant obstacles to my eventual enlightenment and my benefit for all sentient beings? In fact, isn't that benefit to myself and others a more immediate outcome, beginning even as I go through the process?

The disease, the diagnostic tests, the treatment and the recovery are all worthwhile if we all get a little closer to enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. Maybe a little more Dharma in my life than before will make the whole thing not only more tolerable, but even much easier to handle.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 83 - The Journey Continues

2011-01-24T23:19:00.001-05:00

I had thought that this "Journey Th r ough Cancer" was finished. I was set to turn the blog into a book and had even set myself on a daily work schedule for the editing. However, it seems that the Karma bearing that fruit is not completely finished.

I saw the Radiation Oncologist today for what I thought was a routine follow-up visit, but routine it was not. I already knew that one PSA reading was 2.6 rather than less than 1, as we would hope. However this was not all of the bad news. Another PSA test less than a month after that one gave a reading of 4.3, heading farther in the wrong direction rather quickly.

Initially, the radiation oncologist has ordered a CT scan of the pelvic region and a bone scan. We also discussed the possible need for another biopsy. I told him that I expected and accepted that and, although I would not look forward to the biopsy itself, I would look forward to its results for us to know what is happening. At that point, if the cancer is back, we can work out the treatment plan and work on recovery.

Right now is the hardest time, the time of waiting. I have been in the same circumstance multiple times during the whole course of this journey. It may be time to burn off more negative Karma. Whatever it is, it is my Karma. Just as it always is for everyone, we can choose how we go through what faces us in each day. Whatever I face in this, I must remember, as I have before, to find ways that it may benefit other beings.

I have already started on my “alternative therapy” efforts that I used before my more conventional treatments began. I have bought watercress, because researchers have found that a metabolite from it retards the development of blood vessels in tumors. I have also started on my “medicinal noodles” with their reishi and miso broth, broccoli, and shitake mushrooms. Also lemongrass tea, so pleasant to drink, will be my basic and most frequent beverage.

As far as spiritual preparations are concerned, I must remember, as I have told others, “I exist to serve.”

Which means that I must continue to seek opportunities to be of service to all sentient beings. In the coming month we are going to have a visit from Khenpo Choepel giving teachings and empowerments in this area for about three weeks. I need to strive to be available to assist in any way that I can. While I need to learn from the particular teachings, I also need to continue learning from him, as from an older brother, how to be a good monk.

Whether this new phase of this journey is just a series of tests and procedures through which we find that there is no cancer to be treated or it is another course of treatment with its side effects and its recovery, there are challenges to be faced and lessons to be learned. It is through just such challenges and lessons that what I do may benefit others if only I continue to apply the tiny bit of Dharma that I have in my life. Perhaps I can even come to have a little more of it to apply and to share for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Starting a Job

2011-01-13T21:03:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow, I shall be starting a job. It is not actually a new one but rather one that I already have but have not been working on as I should. Already I have written my blog, “Journey Through Cancer,” but I need to edit it into a book as my Lama and many friends have encouraged. However, I have not applied myself to that task.

Starting tomorrow, every weekday I shall devote three or four hours to the editing just as though I had been hired for a writing job. Most days I intend to devote the hours from the time that I finish breakfast until I need to stop for lunch. Of course, this will not be inflexible. For example, on days like tomorrow, when I have tasks that must be done in the morning, I shall compensate by using other hours of the day, still trying to complete the designated three or four hours of work.

I have read or heard from successful authors that they have to be as faithful to scheduled work hours as if they had to go out to work even if they work at home. Since the book, just like the blog, is intended to be for the benefit of all sentient beings, it is well worth my effort and diligence. Up to now my only actions directed toward the creation of the book have been to print out two copies of all the blogs and putting them in a ring binder and sending one of those copies to my very best friend from childhood for his comments and suggestions. The other copy awaits me.

I have no idea how long this will take for me to produce a manuscript to send to a publisher. Neither do I know how to find a publisher who would publish my book, but that doesn't matter until I have something to present. That process starts tomorrow and will last until the job is done.

Karma and Compost

2010-11-26T00:53:00.000-05:00

Lately I have had occasion to reflect on how fortunate I have been in this lifetime. At some times I might not have thought so, but I have a different perspective now, a particularly Buddhist one. Furthermore, this American holiday of Thanksgiving encourages one to think about how fortunate one is.
Over my whole lifetime, even in infancy, I have been on the verge of dying although I may have often regarded myself as a hail and hardy fellow. To the Western mind so many close brushes with death and the consequent medical procedures and sometimes rigorous therapies and protracted recoveries are inexplicable. Or else they may be regarded as curses of fate or of some deity. However, for me as a Buddhist it is simply a matter of cause and effect, Karmic causality. In some previous lifetime, perhaps even several, I have done things for which these things are the natural result. These Karmic seeds may have followed across centuries, but they definitely took root in this rebirth.
Furthermore, the conventional thinking I was taught in our Western culture and even that in much of Eastern cultures would regard all these “travails” as “curses,” “bad luck,” or some such undesirable circumstance. For me, however, they are the most fortunate of circumstances, because they “burn up” all of that “negative karma” rather than having it continue to follow me through still more rebirths.
On the other hand, I can also see the positive Karmic seeds that have also come to fruition in this lifetime. I have a “precious human life” with all of the Eight Freedoms and Ten Endowments. I was not born in the Hell realms, as a hungry ghost, as an animal, in a place where teachings are unavailable, as a long-life god (always content and therefore has no motivation for progress), with wrong view (no understanding of karma, and no understanding of past and future lives), where no Buddha has appeared, or lacking the capacity to learn anything. I was born as a human being, where there are teachings, possessing five senses, not having committed heavy negative karmas, able to have confidence in and devotion to the Triple Gem, where a Buddha has appeared, where a Buddha has taught, where the Dharma teachings flourish, where there are followers who enter the pure path of Dharma, and where there is support from the kindness of others, including the spiritual master.
When I was sitting in the room with the relic collection of the Maitreya Project Heart Shrine Relic Tour, I had to reflect that I was fortunate enough to have been with the relics twice already in my present lifetime and on both of those occasions I was there as a volunteer for the whole weekend. Furthermore, at that point I merely had the aspiration to attend once more as a volunteer over the coming weekend. As of this writing, it looks like that aspiration may actually be fulfilled.
As if these were not enough good things to come together in my present lifetime, I was sitting there not only in the presence of such precious relics, a physical manifestation of the great compassion, loving kindness, and other spiritual qualities of Shakyamuni Buddha and these other Buddhist masters, but also as a beginning monk given the immense, incalculable, wondrous responsibility of giving blessings with the very relics of Shakyamuni Buddha. Sometimes my eyes filled with tears and other times it felt as though my heart might burst because of the powerful emotion I felt as well as the enormous energies perceptible in the room and from the relic stupa.
I commented to several people that weekend, and since then, that it is as though all those negative and positive karmic seeds came together in this particular lifetime and landed in compost. They have all born fruit abundantly!! So much negative karma has been burned away and continues to be burned away! Even at this late date in this lifetime, I have not only found the Dharma, but I have been able to devote myself to it and to its service as a monk! I have found a Lama who can guide my spiritual life with enough patience to put up with me and not give up on me! I have had the good fortune to meet not just one but two mahasiddhas in this one lifetime already!
Over the course of the cancer diagnosis, cancer treatment, and the recovery from the treatment, it has been amazing how far a tiny bit of the Dharma has carried me. In spite of the persistence of some of my bad habits, with the guidance and patience of my Lama, I actually am making a little progress, enough that I can perceive the change in me. On the other hand, I remain aware that I am still just a baby Buddhist and a baby monk and the least Drikungpa of all. Nevertheless, there are ways that I can be of service to others and to the Dharma. Nothing I have ever done is totally wasted. Either I have learned skills which find application now to serve or my misdeeds give me understanding and compassion for others. Everything that I do now needs to done with a view to benefiting all sentient beings. That is where its true worth lies. I am most thankful that some little bit of what I do stands up to that test.

Life Changing Events

2010-09-16T21:50:00.001-04:00

When we think of life changing events, we usually think of dramatic things such as marriages, divorces, car wrecks, diseases like cancer, deaths of loved ones, or even taking monastic vows. I have had all of those which were indeed life changing. However, perhaps the most life changing event of my life up to now was much quieter but no less profound.

Barely more than two months after being ordained as a “getsul,” a novice Tibetan Buddhist monk, in the Drikung Kagyu lineage, I went to our Boston center to help with the preparations for teachings and empowerments by His Holiness Chetsang Rinpoche, one of the two throne holders of our lineage. In other words he is one of the two top monks in our order in the whole world.

I very much enjoyed the peace of meditation and sadhana practice with the Jowo Rinpoche statue alone. The center was actually very quiet during my first days there, but it was not long before the preparations began in earnest. From that point until the day that His Holiness arrived, each day saw a higher level of activity together with more stress which sadly took its toll on some of the members there. Fortunately, the positive energies of this mahasiddha soon reached us as we became part of the mandala of a bodhisattva's action in the world. Solutions to problems seemed to present themselves with amazing ease. Peace and cooperation became dominant.

When the day of His Holiness' arrival at the center finally came, the welcoming ceremony, which had been planned, now had to be finalized. Persons were chosen for each part of the ceremony. The Khenpo who was arranging these things said that a monk should hold the ceremonial yellow parasol. Since he and I were the only monks present at the time, the honor fell to me, not due to any worthiness on my part but simply by virtue of my ordination alone. However, to put into perspective how great an honor I felt I had been granted, my Lama had been chosen to perform this same function at another location. Furthermore, I could not entertain any illusion that I deserved such an honor when my Lama was still having to correct me on the wearing of my robes.

When His Holiness finally arrived and the ceremony began, I was elated first by his smile as he got out of the car and then by my role in this beautiful ceremony which sought to express how we felt about the very great privilege of his visit. Even now, weeks afterward, the elation has not fully subsided, in part due to the continued opportunities to receive teachings and empowerments from him as well as to just be in his presence. Many Tibetan families in the Boston area invited him to their homes both for the great blessing that such a visit represented and also as the occasion of giving him the offering of their hospitality. Although I was the last and least of all the Drikung monastics, I was privileged to be included in these lunch and dinner invitations. Therefore, I was able to glimpse his interactions with so many different people and to witness his great compassion and loving kindness as well as his perfect equanimity. Furthermore, both he and my Lama were training me as a monk.

At all these homes people were putting before us what they regarded as their best. I was responsible to receive it with gratitude and grace, for their benefit, whether I deserved it or not, whether I liked it or not. Even as the last and least of all the Drikung monks, in this situation I represented all my brother monks especially those more worthy than I. Perhaps the most important lesson from my cancer was that I do not do good things for my benefit alone, but rather for the benefit of all sentient beings. That lesson was continued in the circumstances of my ordination and now in yet another situation.

It soon became apparent to me that Rinpoche's delight in our efforts, our deference and our gifts came not from receiving them for himself but rather from knowing the great spiritual benefit that they are to us. It was one more way that he was taking care of us. Since taking the throne of our lineage, he has worked tirelessly to preserve the great spiritual treasures of its teachings and empowerments as well as rebuilding the monastic and educational life to continue them far into the future. Furthermore, he does not just leave it to others to share these spiritual treasures with everyone. He has traveled so extensively throughout the world and especially in the West to bring this great wealth to a culture which suffers from such a great spiritual poverty. Perhaps his having lived under Chinese Communism and its Cultural Revolution, gives him a particular perspective on the ultimate development of modernity without anything spiritual which in turn shows how deeply we in the West need the Dharma.

As the last and least of all the Drikung monks, it was entirely appropriate that my interview with Rinpoche should be among the last. Furthermore, since I really did not have any questions, it was also fitting that it would be brief. I was able to introduce myself as both an old man and a new monk in our lineage. When he asked whether I was from Boston, I was able to tell him that although I was from Florida, I wanted to spend more time in Boston in the summers to be close to my Lama. He agreed that it would be a good thing for me to do just that.

When he left by car to go to Vermont, I grieved to see him leave, but I also had the opportunity to again see his love for all sentient beings when I saw how he delighted to see the dog of one of the people from the local community. Furthermore, I could look forward to returning to Florida to prepare for his teachings in my home area. I was able to arrive back early enough for the last of the scheduled work days although I was to discover that the work had already been done. Nevertheless, I was not denied the merit of helping in these preparations, because I was given some flowers to repot and I could share my experience from His Holiness' visit to Boston.

I was most fortunate to be able to greet Rinpoche as he arrived at the airport in Tampa and then to attend all the teachings and empowerments. In fact, it was a very great blessing to receive the Five-fold Mahamudra Torma empowerment a second time so soon after the first I received from His Holiness. This is but one more way that my entire time with His Holiness, whether receiving teachings and empowerments or sharing meals or just being in his presence, has been so life changing.

I deeply regret that my age and health kept me from attending the Blessing of the Gulf of Mexico and all beings affected by the recent oil spill which His Holiness did this morning. I have felt so troubled not only by the great loss of life but also by the lack of any uproar over it. At least the local Tibetan Buddhist community could ask for this and His Holiness fulfilled the request out of their compassion for all beings.

Sometimes I forget that the profound awareness of my own mortality that had so much to do with my aspiration to be ordained came from the living experience of surviving stuff for all of my life. From the aortic defect with which I was born through the car wreck that nearly killed me in more than one way to the prostate cancer from whose treatment I just finished recovering, just to mention the big stuff, I have in fact survived to not only find the Dharma but also to commit myself totally to it for the benefit of all sentient beings. The little residual effects of some of these life threatening events are necessary to help me remember.

I am most fortunate to have had the karmic seeds of my past bear fruit in the way they did. Not only has a lot of negative karma been cleansed, but in these circumstances of my life a treasury of experience has been built up to use in the service of others. Furthermore, they helped motivate my monastic aspiration both in order that I not continue to plant that kind of karmic seeds and in order that everything that I am and everything that I have may be committed to the service of the ultimate enlightenment of all sentient beings.

Finally, I have been so fortunate as to meet and recognize two mahasiddhas. How many other people never meet even one or at least never recognize one when they meet him or her? His Eminence Garchen Rinpoche and His Holiness Chetsang Rinpoche are now lasting parts of my life both by the effects they have already had on my life and by the ways that they shall influence and shape my life in the future. Thanks to something mentioned by another Western monastic, I now have the aspiration to be in Dehra Dun, India, or wherever His Holiness is in November 2011. I have no idea how that may be possible, but I must remember that my own ordination happened when it was not expected. Furthermore, if it comes to pass, it shall not be for my benefit alone but for the benefit of all sentient beings.

His Holiness Moves On

2010-09-07T16:21:00.002-04:00

After almost a week with us, His Holiness Chetsang Rinpoche resumed his travels, being driven to Vajra Dakini Nunnery in Vermont. His stay here was an amazingly great blessing to all of us. I not only had the opportunity to learn from him in the formal teachings, but I also learned from him and his attendants as we visited Tibetan families in the area. For those families it was a very great blessing to offer him as well as us the hospitality of their homes. It is a good thing that I enjoy butter tea, because I drank a lot of it! More importantly, I saw the great devotion that so many people have for His Holiness and the great loving-kindness and compassion that he has for all sentient beings.

In From the Heart of Tibet, the biography of His Holiness by Elmar Gruber, the author talks about the way in which every action of a bodhisattva is for the specific purpose of fulfilling the goal of bringing about the enlightenment of all sentient beings. Furthermore, taken together such actions essentially create a mandala for that purpose. I have seen the clear non-randomness of the actions of both my Lama and His Holiness. In his teachings he explained that loving-kindness is the feeling that one has upon seeing an adorable baby and that compassion is the feeling that arises when we see the severely disadvantaged or seriously ill or disabled. He said that we need to meditate on these feelings to extend them to all sentient beings. It is evident that he has just such feelings for all of us.

I believe that a most profound change has come about in my perspectives as well as a major development in my monastic life. As part of His Holiness' mandala, I am a vehicle for the expression of loving-kindness and compassion. Furthermore, the phowa practice that is fundamental to my evening practice has a new depth.

I was fortunate enough to be able to have an interview with him, although I did not really have any questions. He asked whether I live in Boston. I told him that I live in Florida, but want to spend my summers up here to be of service and to be close to my Lama. He said that is a good thing. Furthermore, I told him that although I am old, I am one of his newer monks. Finally, I told him that I look forward to seeing him in Florida.

In all the visits to Tibetan families as well as sitting at the dining table with His Holiness' attendants, I found my self immersed in Tibetan conversations. Additionally, after his last teaching, His Holiness addressed the local Tibetan community followed by the chanting of special prayers. In all of this I only understood a word here and there and only comprehended the general meaning a couple of times. Nevertheless, it all felt so familiar. At one point in my stay here, a discussion arose on how best to learn Tibetan. Of course, the conclusion was that immersion is best and several ways of accomplishing that were suggested.

A Gelugpa gelong with whom I correspond on the computer told me, when I informed him of my ordination, to be “prepared of an exciting ride.” This week has definitely been an clearcut example of that. Of course, there were so many opportunities to share the Dharma. Furthermore, I had the chance repeatedly to recall interdependent origination and karmic causality. I am nothing special, merely the result of certain causes under certain conditions, basic cause and effect. From the beginning of this lifetime with its causes and conditions I am growing and changing due to the present conditions which include my friends and my teachers. If there is anything meritorious that I have done or will yet do for the benefit of all sentient beings, it is the result of those causes and conditions which means parents, grandparents, family, friends, teachers, and my Lama. They are truly deserving of the credit!

After this time with His Holiness Drikung Kyabgon Chetsang Rinpoche, he is also one of those who have shaped who and what I am!

His Holiness Arrives

2010-09-01T23:28:00.001-04:00

The work kept continuing and the level of activity seemed to keep increasing. Unfortunately, it was hard for everyone to not stress over the amount of work that needed to be done and concern that things might not get finished or might fall short of our goals. Nevertheless, positive energy that I must attribute to His Holiness' giving us his help in our tasks clearly made things happen which might not otherwise come about.

Repairs were happening with amazing ease that I had anticipated to be much more complicated. Volunteers showed up to do tasks that could not otherwise get done. Meals were prepared almost spontaneously even amazing the cooks who prepared them as far as matching the number of diners and suiting their tastes so well.

Nevertheless, it seemed that so much remained to be done that we could not possibly finish it. On the day His Holiness was to arrive rooms still needed to be prepared and matched to the occupants since there are two tulkus and so many khenpos and lamas. We did not have a confirmation from either the Tibetan or the Chinese dancers that they would in fact be here. Hardly any of us knew what our specific role would be in the formal welcoming ceremony.

However, when we had the warning that they were about 30 minutes away, tasks were assigned by Khenpo Choepel. He made the statement that the yellow parasol should be carried by a monk. At that particular moment he and I were the only monastics here, resulting in my being chosen for this role. Unfortunately, the time estimate was a little off. After we had stood waiting for a long time, His Holiness and his attendants and one tulku finally arrived. Since I am shorter than His Holiness and the attendant who walked beside him, this did turn out to be a great exercise in mindfulness and concentration. Nevertheless, I performed my duties without error and felt the great honor that it was to have this role in the welcoming ceremony.

I had planned to be taking lots of photographs of His Holiness' arrival and to give him a small bunch of carnations. I was able to do neither of those two things, but instead did something much more wonderful. It is so hard to express how I felt or even how I now feel. I have been in the presence of a great being and was blessed to be able to serve him.

We are all quite tired, having been moving steadily since we awoke this morning, but we all seem to have a glow about us that comes from having served a mahasiddha. We have received his blessing which is a powerful thing. His great love and compassion for all sentient beings is both obvious and clearly felt. With that our tiredness has a very satisfying, contented feeling to it.

As the last and the least of the Drikung Kagyu monks, especially in the company of such outstanding monastics, I am finding myself more comfortable with the honor shown to me as a monk. For me the key is that I remember that it is not for me personally but rather for all Tibetan Buddhist monastics together. Furthermore, I also remember the eighth precept which prohibits “sitting on a high or expensive bed or throne” which, in part has to do with taking a more honored place. Whether is is a matter of my place in the shrine or temple or my place at the dining table, I wait to be told where to sit unless the place is totally obvious as in the case of being the newest monk, meaning that my place would be the very last.

I am most blessed to be under the same roof with a mahasiddha. I look forward to the time that I will be able to be in his presence and to work for him. Moreover I am most anxious to be able to receive teachings and empowerments. It is as though I were to be taught by Shakyamuni Buddha himself.

Preparing for a Precious Holy Guest

2010-08-29T11:26:00.001-04:00

There are now only three days until His Holiness Chetsang Rinpoche arrives here. The whole community connected to this Dharma Center is working on various aspects of the preparations. Those who reside in this house are giving up their rooms to make them available to all the khenpos and lamas who will be traveling with His Holiness or will be coming for this occasion. Additional “lama-ware” had to be bought, because there will probably more senior monastics staying here than have ever stayed here at one time.

Special decorations are being made for the occasion. Special prayer books are being printed for the events that will be held here in Arlington, MA. An HD camcorder was bought to supplement the professional video that will document this visit by the head of our lineage. I have even been checking that my digital SLR is fully ready and that my graphic software in the laptop is up to date.

The grounds and the building are getting a more thorough cleaning than they have had in quite some time. Today, in addition to all the other housecleaning happening, a senior ngakpa and I will clean the actual Jowo shrine. When our Lama gets back from New York, it had better be perfect!

We have cooks preparing different meals for every day that His Holiness stays here. Lama has been lining up members of the community who want to host Rinpoche for a dinner which will be a great blessing for them. A professional florist associated with the Center will prepare flower arrangements to beautify the Center. Donors have even provided for an air conditioner for the lama room to ensure that it does not get too hot for His Holiness.

All these efforts and all the labor that is being expended in these preparations is, in the final analysis, for our own benefit, arising out of our feelings for His Holiness and our profound respect for him. While we are in fact doing everything unselfishly to express honor to a mahasiddha, because he is in actuality just that, he will receive it in perfect equanimity. Nevertheless he will be pleased by it, not on account of what he receives, but on account of the love and compassion which we have generated and the great merit that we will accumulate.

Having read the biography of His Holiness Chetsang Rinpoche, The Heart of Tibet , as well as knowing the great regard that His Holiness the Dalai Lama and His Eminence Garchen Rinpoche have for him, I have absolutely no doubt that he is indeed a mahasiddha. Not only was his compassion, equanimity, and moral fortitude developed in the most difficult conditions of the occupation of Tibet by China, but it had already been formed during his previous rebirths. We are most fortunate to receive teachings and empowerments from such a spiritual giant.

Doubtless just as important for us as well as important to him would be our spiritual preparations for his arrival. One of the residents here made a silent retreat before the level of activity and stress got out of hand. Lama has stayed as close to His Holiness as possible through the teachings that were close enough for him to attend. As for myself, I have sought to follow Khenchen Rinpoche's advice that the best thing I can do for the benefit of all sentient beings is to keep my vows. Furthermore, I strive to keep the instructions of my Lama. Therefore, I have begun Ngondro Practice (although at the present rate it will take 14 ½ years to complete the prostrations) and have started studying The Jewel Ornament of Liberation and strive to find all the small ways to be of service here.

When His Holiness took the throne as Chetsang Rinpoche, one of the two throne holders of the Drikung Kagyu lineage, the order was in a sad state in the Diaspora. Since then he has built it into a powerful spiritual force with both new and reconstructed monasteries as well as Dharma Centers worldwide. Why has he done this? He has done it to benefit all sentient beings, to bring them to enlightenment. This, too, should be our goal.

Precious Human Life

2010-08-26T21:38:00.001-04:00

From the four thoughts that turn the mind to the Dharma, “Oh! This kind of leisure and endowment is supremely difficult to obtain. When we obtain this body, which is easily lost, do not waste it meaninglessly but use it to attain the ultimate liberation – joyous result.” This is talking about what we call precious human life which is indeed most precious and quite rare.

When one considers all of the different forms of life on this planet, human beings are but a tiny minority here. Furthermore, having the “leisure and endowment” makes “precious human life” rarer even than just being born human. “ Leisure” refers to having time and energy not devoted to survival that one may invest in the study and practice of the Dharma. “ Endowment” refers to having the mental or physical capacity for such study and practice and to have the contact with the Dharma.

Today I made a thrift store shopping trip during which I found nothing for which I was searching. However, I did look around and reflected that I was most fortunate to have “precious human life.” While sitting on a bench resting from my walk, I saw a young man passing by me who obviously was dealing with frightful visions that stood between him and interacting with other human beings. Others were struggling to obtain the basic necessities. Still others were caught up in the dramas of their lives. Yet others faced Down's Syndrome or other mental challenges.

For all of these persons I felt great compassion both for the struggles they faced and for their lack of the opportunity to study and practice the Dharma. At the same time I felt the deepest gratitude for the opportunity that I have both to study and to practice the Dharma. I could just as easily been born in similar circumstances or just been oblivious to the Dharma. Indeed, I know that I have had other rebirths in which I had no contact with the Dharma.

On his occasion as on many others when I am out and about I was chanting mantras silently. Some time as I am starting out I say the short refuge prayer and the “four immeasurables” to establish the right motivation. After chanting whatever mantras I have been chanting I will dedicate the merit with a brief prayer. I actually think of this as protecting myself as best I can from the mental poisons, because a mantra is quite literally “mind protection.” However, tonight as we were doing Green Tara practice, I realized that I had given to all these suffering persons a real help, the only help I was able to give them, my mantra recitation, because most of the time I had been chanting the Green Tara mantra.

I do not have the financial wealth to help them. In fact when I dug in my bag to give to one man I only found a few nickels and pennies. Nor do I have professional expertise to deal with their conditions. I clearly do not have siddhis to help them by miraculous means. Nevertheless, I did give them the help that I do have for them.

In this lifetime I actually had my first contact with the Dharma quite early although I ignored it for so many years. It is only at this late age that I have devoted attention and energy to the study and practice of the Dharma. I am most fortunate to have been granted ordination in order that I may devote myself to this for the rest of my life no matter how long or short.

I cannot know whether I have enough years left in this life to attain enlightenment, the “joyous result,” but I rather doubt it. Nevertheless, I can draw closer to it and perhaps accumulate the merit for the positive Karma to have not only another “precious human life” but also an earlier contact and devotion to the Dharma. Lama has said that I must have done something right in my previous rebirths to have the opportunities that I have had in this present lifetime.

Whatever the future may hold, whether in this lifetime or in a future rebirth, I do have the most precious chance to work not only for my own benefit but also for the benefit of all sentient beings. Indeed that is the most important effort we may make. Therefore I am certain that it was not useless or meaningless that I was silently chanting some Chenrezig mantras and even more Tara mantras and dedicating them “ for the benefit of all sentient beings.” I truly want the compassion that I felt for and the intention that I directed toward all these suffering people to bear fruit for their benefit.

UnSouthern Potato Salad

2010-08-22T17:40:00.001-04:00

One of the folks here at Drikung Meditation Center Boston boiled a few potatoes and even cut them up, but left them with a note for someone to make potato salad with them. Not being anywhere near a gourmet cook, I left them alone, thinking someone else would do it. However, when it got around to late Sunday afternoon, it was clear that no one had that intention yet. Therefore, being a Southern boy, I do know a little about potato salad. Thus I set out to make a batch of potato salad.

In my mind I have the list of ingredients that I am accustomed to using in a Southern potato salad. I started looking for them and soon realized that I would have to do a little substituting. I couldn't find sweet pickle relish but found other pickles and chopped up a few. I couldn't find any celery, but found half of a large bell pepper and chopped it up. The only form of garlic was whole cloves, one of which I chopped as finely as I could. There was mayonnaise but there was only spicy brown mustard. However, the French's spicy brown was close enough to yellow that I used it. When I was looking for ingredients, I had seen fresh basil and fresh tarragon and couldn't resist chopping up a little of both to go in my potato salad. Finally, I had boiled two eggs which I now chopped up and threw in.

Putting it all in a large enough mixing bowl to give me room to thoroughly mix it, I stirred it all together. I was careful that I did not tear up the egg whites to keep them visible in the finished salad. At this point I added the mustard to be able to judge how much to add by the color it imparted.

After I put it in a container to put into the refrigerator, I sat down to write this blog. Only then did I realize that I had left out the one ingredient specifically bought for the potato salad, onion. I went back into the kitchen, chopped up half an onion and added it. Now my potato salad was finished.

Almost nothing about the potato salad was according to plan. Nevertheless, based on my own taste test, it came out fine. At least it suits my tastes, although I may be the only one who likes it.

In the bigger picture of things, from the time that I took refuge as a Tibetan Buddhist, nothing has gone according to plan. Nevertheless, I wound up with enough Dharma active in my life to see me through the diagnosis of cancer, its treatment, and the recovery from that treatment. Not only that, I was able to turn the burning up of all the negative Karma that the disease process represented into something positive for my own benefit as well as that of other sentient beings. Now I sit here a Tibetan Buddhist monk, albeit a “baby monk.”

Sleeping Late

2010-08-22T14:24:00.001-04:00

Today I got up at 7:00 AM. If I were back in Florida, that would be getting up early. However, here at Drikung Meditation Center Boston, that is sleeping late. It isn't that someone is setting a time that I should awake, but rather that I have been getting up between 5:00 and 6:00 AM except for the first two mornings when I was still getting over the lack of sleep on the train.

This would not feel like sleeping late except for the things I missed about the morning that went with the earlier wake up time. Those other days I was up before anyone in the house. My first meditation of the day and sometimes even my morning practice was in a totally quiet house. That felt like a very special time alone with the Jowo Rinpoche statue.

Nevertheless, I did get to do Vajrasattva practice with the Sunday morning Dharma group. That makes the second time for that practice since I got here. We have been familiarizing ourselves with things that will be done differently when His Holiness is here. Certain prayers will be slightly different with the teachings and empowerments. We were even learning his name not just his title and position. We also talked about the subjects of his teachings as well as materials which we may read in order to prepare ourselves individually for these teachings and empowerments.

Ironically, after sleeping two hours later than usual and even going to bed an hour earlier than I have been, giving me three hours more sleep, I find myself yawning. Today is a drizzly day. Rain always makes me sleepy. It often feels like there is nothing better to do on a rainy day than sleep. However, I still have things that need to get done. I haven't done my nine round breathing or my morning practice yet. I want to make a batch of Southern potato salad from boiled potatoes left in the refrigerator a couple of days ago. I think that will be a treat not only for myself, but also for other residents of the house.

I look forward to finding time in Lama's schedule in the coming week for us to have some of the talks we probably should have had before I was ordained. Not only that but there are certain circumstances which have arisen since ordination with which I must deal. I guess it all comes down to, “ What should I be doing now that I am a monk?” Furthermore, I need for him to really define my responsibility with regard to Katsel Meditation Tampa. There is even the matter of the group at the Unity Church in Plant City who want a meditation class. What we do, we do for the benefit of all sentient beings and this should include these seekers.

Lessons from Our Mothers and Grandmothers

2010-08-21T14:37:00.001-04:00

Growing up in a very loving, caring family, where loving-kindness, compassion and generosity were taught and practiced gives one a different perspective on many things. We were always taught that if we shared what we had with others, we would never do without. We were taught this in a particularly Christian context, but I have come to believe that it is built into the structure of the universe. I am certain that it is simple cause-and-effect, simple Karma.

I made the trip up here to Drikung Meditation Center Boston on a shoestring, trusting that I would not only be able to get here but also have what I needed once I was here. I was most fortunately helped to make the trip by very caring persons who also practiced generosity. Nevertheless, it seems almost everything costs more in Boston than in Florida, resulting in going through way more money than I thought I might.

In the Center's kitchen, while not all things are held in common, there is still much sharing. One of the “rules” of the kitchen is that if there is no name on something, it is available for anyone to eat. Some things are donated in support of the Center, while others are left by visitors, and still other things come as the produce of a community supported agriculture farm. When I have bought food items, I have felt that it would be inappropriate for me, as a monk, to mark it as “mine.” Thus I have found myself going through more than three loaves of bread in a week. At the same time I have eaten most of my meals from shared items or those which have been left behind by other visitors. Nevertheless, I found myself feeling anxiety when the third loaf of bread was finished.

Most fortunately, at this point I remembered both my lessons from childhood and the principles governing my new life as a monk. For all of my life I never saw a failure of what my grandmother and mother taught about sharing. As long as I shared openly and freely, my needs were always be met. Now, as a monk, I have to remember that in some other countries I would go on a daily alms round depending on that for my sustenance.

It seems that I can get just as attached to a false idea or concept as I can to a physical object. The illusory security of a full cupboard or pantry can be rigidly held. This is yet another attachment leading to suffering as much as any other. One may feel the need to protect it and fear the loss of it, both of which would be destructive to happiness.

I sit here with a place to stay and food to eat. I don't need to demand the guarantee of either of those for the future, because I don't even have a guarantee of a future in which to need them. In actual fact, there is still enough of everything for days which is quite enough that I should not worry. If I do worry, I am foolishly causing myself needless suffering.

However, isn't that precisely what we human beings are doing to ourselves all the time. Some suffering comes to us when others do us harm, but most of our suffering is of our own making. Indeed the “harm” that others may do to us is really the perception of events which may not actually be anything more than a nuisance if we looked at it honestly.

This brings us right back to the most fundamental truths of Buddhism, the Four Noble Truths:

To live means to suffer.
The origin of suffering is attachment to transient things and the ignorance thereof.
The cessation of suffering can be attained.
The path to the cessation of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path.

Isn't it great that the Dharma is everywhere? Not only that, but our mothers and grandmothers taught it even without knowing the word “Dharma”?

For the Benefit of All Sentient Beings

2010-08-20T15:56:00.001-04:00

Living alone I don't normally have to concern myself with how most of my actions at home affect other people. If I sing too loud or off key, no one is disturbed by it. If I take up the whole doorway or hall, no one is blocked by it. If I put something down and leave it or pick something up and move it, no one is affected by that. If I leave a light on or turn one off, it doesn't matter to anyone except me.

Staying here at Drikung Meditation Center Boston, on the other hand, almost every one of our actions affects our housemates. Unfortunately bad habits grow better and faster than good ones, much like the weeds in a garden. In shared living circumstances we have to do some self examination regularly for the benefit of all. Is my conversation a little too loud, disturbing someone who is praying? Am I being too expansive in my use of space not sharing the shrine with others?

Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche says that our Dharma practice is really outside the shrine room. It is carried with us in all our activities. This applies especially among those living at a center like this. We can be seen as representing Tibetan Buddhism to newcomers and visitors. I, for one, am still a baby Buddhist as well as a baby monk. I still have so much to learn and so much of the garbage of the past to sweep away.

I won't change overnight. Nobody does. Nevertheless we have some very effective tools at our disposal which work just as effectively as they always have. Human beings have not changed much in the 25 or 26 centuries since Lord Buddha taught them. We study the Dharma and even practice it when we meet once of twice a week, but the real test of our learning is how we apply it all the other days of the week and in all the other circumstances of our lives. Isn't this at least part of “for the benefit of all sentient beings”?

Dharma Practice Tonight

2010-08-18T22:16:00.001-04:00

Tonight at Drikung Meditation Center Boston, we had sadhana practice. We were a small group, but that is not important. Wednesday nights are scheduled as Vajrasattva practice. This is the first time since I returned from Spring Retreat ordained for me to do this practice. I had planned to do it several times, but something always happened.

I had almost forgotten how good this particular practice makes me feel. It is like the best of Orthodox Christian confession and then more. This seemed all the more intense tonight because of the added force that the commitment that my vows represent adds to these prayers. Furthermore, the extent to which circumstances have made me “bend” the samayas (without breaking them) adds a degree of urgency to my need for such cleansing. I only know that I need to ask Lama how I may integrate this particular practice in my overall practices.

Thrifting around Boston

2010-08-18T16:17:00.001-04:00

I went “thrifting” this afternoon. Actually it was a modest excursion heading to just one store, because, much to my surprise, thrift stores are few and far between in the Boston metropolitan area. There are none in Arlington and only a few in Cambridge. Others are scattered around Boston and its suburbs, few easily accessible by public transit.

Unfortunately, for the store I chose, it was the wrong day in the wrong week. The volunteers that run it apparently took vacation and, furthermore, the store is only open Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Even then the hours are rather short. I'll have to try again next week, perhaps making a two store trip.

At least I did get to see a little corner of Harvard. I really wasn't up to walking over that much of such a large campus. An interesting feature was the space behind one library which was little more than an alley, but had been made into a kind of park with benches, trees, and bicycle racks. In the nearby shopping area I saw another alley between two buildings which was actually more of a pedestrian mall.

While I was in that area, I had an interesting encounter. A strangely-mannered young man came up to me inquiring whether we had a monastery in the area. I then explained about being here to assist in preparing for His Holiness' teachings. Before we parted ways he told me that I have “good energy.” I really don't know what transpired, but it seemed that his day was made better by our brief conversation.

Nevertheless, I remain puzzled by the scarcity of thrift shops in this area. Back in Florida they are quite common. My hometown which is quite small has four, at least. Nearby Tampa has many more. I do not understand why a metropolitan area as large as Boston does not have even more that Tampa. At least the one in which I attempted to shop promises to be a good one because the seem to have a lot of space and there location near Harvard would suggest that they might get good donations.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 82 – The End of This Book - Maybe

2010-08-16T20:05:00.001-04:00

If I am able to fulfill my Lama's wishes this blog that I have written over the course of this particular journey is to be turned into a book. In a work of fiction the final chapter brings everything neatly to a close, leaving no loose ends, although perhaps providing the basis for a sequel. Of course, in life things don't work out in such a neat and tidy way. Nevertheless, this real life story has come close to such an ending of this phase.

My cancer has been successfully treated although I still await the “cancer-free” designation. At the same time I am entering on a new phase of my life as a Tibetan Buddhist monk.

In a fictional tale I would have been declared cancer-free by the oncologist and then gone to be ordained a monk and the moved into a monastery. In real life, my ordination was unscheduled and unexpected, the status of my cancer was unknown at that time, and there really isn't a monastery in our lineage for me to enter. Furthermore, right after the ordination I had a high PSA result which could have indicated the return of my cancer or even metastasis. Of course, I am grateful that it was merely what they call a “bounce.”

Nevertheless, I cannot complain about the way things have turned out so far. I was ordained on the day for the commemoration of the parinirvana of the founder of our order. The robes I had for my ordination were “hand-me-downs,” borrowed and drastically marked-down, all very appropriate for a monk. After I returned home from Spring Retreat, I did find the good news about my cancer, eventually. With regard to my ordination, I have been well received. Furthermore, my sister has told me that I seem more content and happy than she has remembered me being in a long time.

Our Dharma Center has grown to the point that we have outgrown the private home in which we met and have had to seek a new venue. In addition it has undergone a reorganization that will probably put it on a better basis for further growth, ultimately being able to have a resident Lama and several of us monks. I now need to talk to my Lama about the nature of my role at the Center and whether there might not be some simpler topics on which I can share my experience in lieu of formally teaching. I have been able to share little bits of the Dharma as I have traveled about in my robes.

As I was sitting in Boston's South Station waiting for my ride to arrive, a young lady approached me offering to buy me coffee. When she returned with coffee and a muffin, we talked about her miscarriage and the ensuing depression. In fact we talked until she had to catch her train. While I cannot claim any particular qualifications, my own struggles with my own depression have given me great empathy for anyone else dealing with it. Her Karma and my Karma placed us just there at just that time when my experiences could help her.

As I work toward the upcoming teachings, I especially look forward to His Holiness Chetsang Rinpohe's Amitayus Empowerment and teachings and his Great Drikung Phowa Transmission and Teachings. Since I have been close to dying so many times in my life, nevertheless surviving. I want to actively and concretely prepare for my own death which I know will come, perhaps even unexpectedly. However, I can be prepared if I will work at it, maybe even attaining enlightenment, but at least taking steps to gain a good rebirth.

Every experience I have ever had, every skill that I have mastered, and every job that I have ever done have all prepared me in various ways to be useful in service of others. Whether I am helping with preparations for teachings from our great Lamas or in some measure comforting the sick or dying or merely bringing the appropriate clergy to them, my whole life has value, the good and even the bad parts. I am happiest when I remember that everything that I do is not for my benefit alone but for the benefit of all sentient beings.

The Least Drikungpa – Prologue – A New Beginning

2010-08-09T14:09:00.001-04:00

On the 25th day of the 4th month of the Year of the Tiger (7th of June 2010), at 3:45 pm, I was ordained with the name Konchok Jangchup Dorje. Just like dates being BC or AD or historical documents saying “In the fifth year of the reign of king so-and-so...,” this will is the demarcation point for major changes in my life. The character of these is such that they deserve that a new blog be begun. This is particularly appropriate, since much of what concerned my “Journey through Cancer” is now past. While I have not received the “all clear” from the oncologists yet, the aftereffects of the treatment have almost completely cleared up and my PSA readings continue to decrease in spite of the one higher reading which would be regarded as a “ bounce,” a common phenomenon in the second year after radiation.

In the two months since my ordination there have been notable changes in my life with respect both to the reaction of others to my new status and to my own adjustments to the commitment that I have made. Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche's advice to me with regard to benefiting others, considering the unlikelihood of my becoming a lama at my age, was for me to keep my vows. While it is obvious that I should keep my vows, the value of that may not be so obvious nor is the keeping of them so easy. Nevertheless, in the weeks since my ordination my sister has commented that I seem happier and more content than she has seen me in many years.

When it came to choosing a title for this blog series that starts with my ordination, my place at any gathering of monks keeps my perspective on my place within the whole order. Therefore, in keeping with the prayer in which we refer to “The Great Drikungpa, Ratnashri...” I recognize that I am “ the Least Drikungpa.”

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 81 – Interminable Delay and Agonizing Waiting

2010-07-30T07:47:00.001-04:00

When my PSA first went above the 4.0 upper limit of “normal,” starting this journey through cancer, I began a process of finding out its significance which was characterized by long delays between the steps of the process. First, I had to be evaluated by urology for them to decide whether a biopsy was warranted. After the biopsy, I had to wait for its results. After those results, I had to wait to set up a treatment plan. After the treatment had been planned, I had to wait for the treatments to actually begin. Those 45 radiation treatments took more than nine weeks to complete. Even after those treatments, it took a long time for me to recover from their aftereffects.

At this point I had thought I would be expecting soon to hear that I was free of cancer. Instead, I have begun a new cycle of interminable delay and agonizing waiting. It has been a month since I got the unwelcome lab results of a PSA which had more than doubled from the previous reading. While I know that it has been long enough that it would be appropriate to order a new PSA test to confirm that increase, I found out that no such test has been ordered until September and then I would not get those results until December or January. I don't consider that an acceptable delay!!

I decided that it was now time to be my own patient advocate. A little assertiveness would be required. First I could contact the urology oncology clinic to have them order a PSA test before my upcoming appointment. If that didn't work, I could call my primary care physician to do the same. I was fairly sure that he would order it if the urology oncology clinic didn't, because he had ordered it before the appointment I was to have had which I changed to see him sooner.

In the end the nurse manager of my primary care clinic told me to simply go to the outpatient lab and ask them to go ahead and draw blood for the tests ordered for September. When I did, there was no problem. Now I not only had the PSA test, but also the rest of the fasting labs for my appointment with my primary care doctor.

With the test results in the computer, I went to my urology oncology appointment where I found out that my PSA had gone back down to 1.3, a very acceptable level. It seems that the 2.6 was just a “bounce.” I had read about the phenomenon whereby some patients who had had radiation therapy would have a high PSA some time in their second year after treatment. Therefore, I was not facing a return of my cancer at this time, but rather could still consider myself cancer-free even without that “official” designation.

However, I have to realize that the most unpleasant aspects of this experience came from losing sight of the most basic principles of mindfulness. I was not dealing with what was here and now, but rather with what might be. At any moment there are infinite possibilities for “what might be,” but there is only one set of phenomena in my experience which are actually here and now. It is only that with which I may interact. Furthermore, I had narrowed my focus to think only of myself, even then forgetting that, whatever the course of this particular journey, it originated in the fruition of karmic seeds that I had myself planted.

How much have I gone through during the two plus years of this “Journey through Cancer” that has been transformed from the mere endurance of what was required to burn up the negative karma into something positive that could benefit others? Such a transformation was only possible because of the tiny bit of Dharma active in my life. Now that I am a novice monk, devoted to the Dharma, I forgot all of that for these weeks?

While I am ashamed of such a lapse, I remember that I am not a fully realized being, but merely one who is on the path occasionally falling into the ditch. The wisdom of the abbot leaving my name unchanged again manifests in the reminder that it contains. Our goal is enlightenment, buddhahood, for the benefit of all sentient beings, but I am not there yet!

The Unexpected Fulfillment of my Monastic Aspiration - Epilogue

2010-07-20T23:17:00.001-04:00

On the 25th day of the 4th month of the Year of the Tiger (7th of June 2010), at 3:45 pm, I was ordained with the name Konchok Jangchup Dorje.

The days and weeks since that momentous event in my life have been a continuing process of revelation and motivation toward spiritual progress. Of course, this has not been without its difficulties and missteps along the way. There has definitely been a learning curve both for myself and for those around me. Whether it is my new wardrobe or my greater priority for attending every activity of the Dharma Center, it is both a matter of my own exercise of will and an adjustment on the part of family and friends.

Although we have Thai Buddhist monks here, being the only Tibetan Buddhist monk in this small town, creates a learning opportunity for everyone I meet as I go about normal errands. I am even the only Tibetan Buddhist monk visiting the VA Hospital when I go for my medical appointments. My last time keeping such an appointment, a VA police officer approached me and asked what kind of monk I am. About an hour later a fellow veteran approached with the same question.

As my Lama had already told me and I had already experienced while traveling, my robes create opportunities to share the Dharma in small bits. These are not times for extensive teachings, but rather moments for the most succinct statements both to answer the question and to stimulate curiosity. This can vary from the Muslim who asks whether we believe in a God, to which I answer, “It is not required,” to the former Baptist who asks who Buddha is, to which I answer, “A man who achieved enlightenment and taught the rest of us how to achieve it.”

There is a serious responsibility to answer such questions with the best answer that I can give, which serves to motivate me toward study. I had hoped to be able to enroll in more classes from Dharmakirti College by now, but constraints on time and money prevent it for the time being. Instead, I am pulling out my notebook and textbooks from the course I already took from them to review that material. Additionally, I am creating flash cards, both computer and physical, to memorize the “enumerations” such as “six trainings” and “five Buddha families.” Additionally, I shall review notes from all the teachings that I have attended and review or even reread the basic books that I have read over the years., sort of my own course.

Things have evolved with our Dharma Center such that we can no longer meet in the private home where we had been holding our twice-weekly classes and group practices. We have found a public venue for one day, but I am continuing the search for at least one other venue to try to keep up the level of practice that the group had previously. Toward this end, I believe that my being a monk facilitates the process, although any site found will still be referred to the “Katsel Meditation Tampa” board for confirmation.

Although I am well aware that I am not a qualified teacher for much of anything, I plan to talk with my Lama when I see him in Boston about whether I might be able to teach the most basic of things when needed. I am certain that even with such fundamental subjects there is always more to learn, but I may be able to do some good with regard to helping beginners. Nevertheless, this is but one of the many things that I know that I need to talk over with my Lama face to face.

Just as my name ever reminds me that our goal is enlightenment, Buddhahood, which I have not yet achieved, I also remember that that is not for myself alone, but for the benefit of all sentient beings. Likewise, my ordination is not for myself alone, but for the benefit of all sentient beings. This is still only the beginning of that to which I have committed the rest of my life. I still have to continue the process of cleaning out this little house, getting rid of all the stuff packed into it that no longer serves a purpose with regard to my monastic life. The challenge in that process is not only to get rid of it but also to find some way for it to benefit others.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 80 - On the Road Again

2010-07-10T22:55:00.001-04:00

During the time of my recovery from radiation therapy for prostate cancer, I had trouble develop in my little pickup truck. I broke one of my rules for taking care of a vehicle properly, letting the gas tank get below ¼ tank. As a result the fuel filter got clogged up. However, I did not find out about it until I returned from my trip to Boston last year. Before I left, it had merely “sputtered” when starting at a stoplight. When I got back, it would crank but not stay running. Since my experience suggested that this would be a clogged fuel filter, I bought a fuel as well as air filters.

However, by this time a new aftereffect of the radiation therapy had developed, rectal bleeding. This began to seriously impair my ability to do lots of things. Often I would have to sprint to the bathroom, not always successfully, trying to avoid a “bowel accident.” This symptom persisted even after cauterizing, what I called “arc welding,” had stopped all the lesions from bleeding. Furthermore, it took some time for strength and stamina to start improving. Nevertheless, working a little along, I began replacing filters and changing spark plugs and even tracing fuel lines to find the fuel filter. Aggravatingly the fuel filter was nowhere near the locations for it that were shown in repair manuals or suggested by friends.

Ultimately, lacking sufficient manual strength and dexterity, I had to ask for help. In the course of my recovery, it has been important that I regain the ability to do the things that I am accustomed to doing. While it is always hard to ask for help, this aspect of recovery of one's health makes it just that much more difficult. Nevertheless, having asked, I received help from the friend of a friend. The fuel filter was changed, the distributor cap and rotor was replaced, and a new battery was installed. The little “monk-mobile” is running beautifully. Moreover, several people gained the merit that comes from helping a monk and we were able to help a young man having difficulty in this bad economic times.

I still have a couple of simple tasks to do myself, cleaning the windows and windshield and changing the oil. I'll also need to get things out of the interior of the truck that really don't belong there and start putting my tools back into the truck box. Furthermore, I think I may need to put a locking gas cap on it, because I seem to have had some fuel siphoned from it during this long period that it sat without moving.

Even in so mundane a thing as vehicle repair, we are not doing it for ourselves alone, but for the benefit of others also. In this instance, it helped the young man who did the work, accrued merit to those who made it happen, and shall further benefit those whom I may now better serve.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 79 – As the Journey Continues – Disappointing Labs

2010-06-22T23:52:00.001-04:00

Monday I had another appointment with the oncologist which I had expected to show continued progress. However, whereas my previous PSA test value had been 1.1, this one was 2.6, more than double, and heading in the wrong direction. Needless to say, I was disappointed, but I understand that a single lab result does not make a trend. Too many other things could cause an elevated PSA result for us to conclude that the cancer is back. We just have to monitor this, but we cannot take it for granted, because it is not a good change.

Nevertheless, I plan to resume my program of alternative treatments in the meantime. I shall again make my “medicinal noodles” with the Reishi broth and Shitake mushrooms and broccoli. I will again be drinking green tea with lemongrass. I shall also commence the Tibetan inner yoga practice that I just learned at Spring Retreat, “ the one cure for a hundred illnesses.” I had previously used a form of visualization with a meditation for mobilizing the “healer within.” This will definitely be more advanced and hopefully more powerful and effective.

As things had been progressing, it had seemed reasonable that this appointment would have continued the same trend of steadily improving lab results. My “Journey Through Cancer” was wrapping up both in life and in this blog. I had even taken ordination as a Tibetan Buddhist monk which would have helped shape the final blog entries as well as the conclusion of any book derived from this blog. However, life usually doesn't follow such neat patterns and hasn't in this case. Nevertheless, I find it not coincidental that I just learned this inner yoga practice at Spring Retreat and did so after my ordination.

Throughout this “Journey Through Cancer” my Buddhist faith has provided me with the tools to cope with the difficulties that it presented. Indeed, I have been able to find means to turn the negatives into positives, to make the purification of my karma the occasion of gaining merit through its benefit to others. It may now have provided a tool for dealing with a health problem at such an early stage that other means may not be required. Nevertheless, I shall continue to use all the tools that I am provided as I continue the journey a little farther.

Among the tools that I now have are the ten precepts of the novice monk or getsul/sramanera. According to these precepts I am to avoid:

“ 1. killing (To break from the root, one must kill a human being with intention);

2. taking what is not given (stealing) (To break from the root, one must steal something that could bring about legal intervention in one's society);

3. sexual intercourse (To break from the root, one must have intention and experience orgasm. This refers to heterosexual or homosexual contact.);

4. lying (To break from the root, one must lie about one's spiritual attainments);

5. taking intoxicants (This includes alcohol and recreational drugs);

6. singing, dancing, playing music;

7. wearing perfume, ornaments or cosmetics to beautify the body;

8. sitting on a high or expensive bed or throne;

9. eating after midday;

touching gold, silver or precious objects (including money). ”

Unfortunately, I had to start out bending the last two from the very beginning, because of diabetes and because of the bus trip. Nevertheless, I cannot afford to be casual about such “bending” of either of them. Any eating after midday must be regarded as something done out of medical necessity and not something from which to derive pleasure. Likewise, I must minimize my handling of money without ever losing sight of the fact that any handling of it still is contrary to the precept no matter how unavoidable the situation may be at the time.

When I stated that it was unlikely that I would ever be a Lama, it was pointed out to me by someone who is worthy to be heeded that just by keeping my vows I would be teaching others. I may never keep all the vows perfectly all the time, but as long as I never break them and purify and restore any that are “bent” I shall be progressing on this path. One day I will be able to take full monastic ordination as a bhikksu or gelong with all the couple of hundred precepts. My commitment is such that if I were offered such ordination tomorrow, I would do it without reservation just as I had no reservations when I took this ordination so few days ago.

As my name continues to be a reminder, our goal is enlightenment, not for ourselves alone but for all sentient beings. A tiny bit of Dharma has brought me this far in my “Journey Through Cancer.” Truly learning and living the Dharma can carry each of us so much farther!

The Unexpected Fulfillment of My Monastic Aspiration, part 3

2010-06-13T08:17:00.001-04:00

The Spring Retreat is drawing to a close and so much in my life has changed in such a short time. I have received such profound and thoroughly practical teachings from both Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche and Drupon Thinley Ningpo Rinpoche as well as the very deep instruction from Khenpo Choepel. All of these not only advance my knowledge and understanding, but are going to have the effect of deepening my practice. Furthermore, their effects should extend far beyond the shrine out into the world of my daily life.

With these changes in my life I shall have to spend some time talking to my Lama at length. I need his guidance for everything from when to wear my chugou to what my role should be at our Dharma center since I am not qualified to teach. Nevertheless, I am firm in my commitment and am prepared to accept the challenges that I may possibly face. I have come to realize the wisdom of my name staying the same as my original Dharma name. Now, having been addressed as “Konchok Jangchup” for several days, I realize that I keep getting refocused on our goal “Jangchup,” “ Enlightenment.” While I am still a long way from that goal, it helps to be reminded repeatedly that we do seek Buddhahood for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Since the day that, with the aid of friends, I formally renounced my Eastern Orthodox monastic vows, I had been reevaluating the matter of sexuality versus celibacy. Nevertheless, it would seem that it is my karma to remain celibate, because, despite everything, even the opportunity for sex eluded me. At least this time I know that I am not fleeing a bad relationship, but instead I am following another course for a higher purpose. Just as I had recognized that fully accepting my own mortality and the impermanence that teaches us that we never know when the time of our death may come, causing me to realize that there was no better way to benefit all sentient beings than as a monk, I also saw that celibacy was not such a great sacrifice. Indeed, my age and medical conditions may remove the possibility of sexual activity soon anyway.

I feel that this Retreat, both from the profound teachings that I have received and from the interaction with other retreatants, has moved me from Kindergarten to Elementary School as a Tibetan Buddhist practitioner. However, it seemed quite clear that some of the lay practitioners were far beyond that level already. Nevertheless, my karma and life experience seem to be propelling me at an incredible pace as long as I am willing to accept spiritual training as it comes and not insist on controlling everything, fully recognizing that any such “ control” is merely an illusion. Although I never surfed or raced sailboats, life can be a little like those sports, because you are reading great natural forces and adjusting your course accordingly. Furthermore, just like those sports the more finely attuned your actions are to the forces involved, the faster and more exciting the ride. I cannot know precisely where it is leading me, but to the limited extent that I have control in my intent and aspirations, I am aiming toward enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings.

The Unexpected Fulfillment of My Monastic Aspiration, part

2010-06-11T00:37:00.001-04:00

The day after my ordination, I find that I am again, at my age, learning how to dress myself. I approximated the way Lama G helped me put on my shantab, but I later found out that I didn't get it quite right. Also I am stuck wearing no socks because white and black are colors that I am not supposed to wear and I only brought white socks with me. This part of my new life as a Tibetan Buddhist monk is almost comical.

On the other hand, when I read the Opening Prayers before the teachings, I discovered a new intensity in my praying. Indeed there is a new force I am bringing to them from within me, the greater force of will arising out of my greater commitment to the path of enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. This is something that has grown over the course of my “Journey Through Cancer” from the diagnosis, through the radiation treatments, through the recovery from the radiation therapy. A tiny bit of Dharma carried this baby Buddhist through what could otherwise have been a nightmare, as it is sometimes for some people. The commitment of my vows just builds on this. Furthermore, the intense and concrete sense of my own mortality and the acute awareness of impermanence add even more motivation.

Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche often talks in his teachings about practicing the Dharma all the time. He isn't talking about sadhana practice in a Shrine Room or Temple, but rather taking our Dharma practice out into our everyday world. In addition, as he was leaving here for a couple of days, not knowing whether he would see me again before I leave for Florida, he gave me some parting words of advice as my Khenpo, my abbot. They covered a range from how to wear my robes to how to be of service by keeping my vows.

As I have gone through my second day after ordination, I find myself having difficulty accepting the honor accorded me as a monk, even the most junior of the monastics here. Nevertheless, I try to remember that I should receive it for the benefit of those who truly deserve it. Furthermore, there are matters of protocol which are now part of my life, at least of the sake of order. Indeed, henceforth my position in any group of monastics is not determined by anyone's “worthiness,” but rather by either being a fully ordained monk or novice monk and according to the date and time of one's ordination.

With regard to my not so new monastic name, the consensus among the retreatants who have been here during the weekdays is that whenever I don't use the whole name I should be known as Venerable Konchok Jangchup since there is already a Venerable Konchok Dorje. Since I have had several name changes for religious reasons already, I don't have a strong attachment to any particular one, although I did start to respond to “John,” when another retreatant was addressed today.

After the day's teachings, I had to go to the store for disposable razors, because shaving my head finished off those I had brought. Although some people have thought I might face some kind of harassment wearing my robes on the street, I have received only positive responses from people if they showed any interest at all. In fact, at one store a young Muslim woman told me that I was the first Buddhist monk she had ever met and that she had wanted to find somewhere to learn more about Buddhism. I gave her the address of the Tibetan Meditation Center since I did not have its telephone number. Just as my Lama has said, wearing the robes creates opportunities to share the Dharma. Of course, I am aware that I only know a little and only have a little of it in practice and thus can only share a little of it,

The Unexpected Fulfillment of My Monastic Aspiration, part 1

2010-06-10T07:20:00.001-04:00

Last Thursday I had my interview with Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche. My chief questions for him pertained to my aspiration to be ordained as a monk. I asked him when it would be likely to occur and what I should do in the meantime. After we had talked a little while, he told me that it could be done before I went back to Florida. However, my robes were in my chest of drawers in Florida. Nevertheless, I asked and found that there was a bin of "hand-me-down" robes in which I was able to fine all but two minor items. These I was able to purchase quite reasonably from the business from which I had ordered the same items.
Thus in just a couple of days everything came together for me to be ordained so unexpectedly. However, still almost doubting that it would really happen, I hardly told anyone even my Lama. When I did speak of it, I would always preface my statement with "barring any unforeseen problem." Even on the day it was to happen, when other retreatants would ask about it being scheduled, I would say, "That's what I understand."
On the twenty-fifth day of the Fourth month of the Year of the Tiger (the Seventh of June 2010), at 3:45 p.m., I was ordained with the name Konchok Jangchup Dorje. This is a most auspicious day to be ordained into the Drikung Kagyu order, because we celebrated the anniversary of the parinirvana of the founder of the order, Lord Jigten Sumgon. At one point in the ritual I teared up, overwhelmed with joy of the moment.

Alcoholism, 'wasm, and Buddhist Speculations

2010-05-17T23:08:00.001-04:00

After more than twenty-four years without a drink, alcohol has no place in my life today despite years of destructive and clearly alcoholic drinking. Furthermore, the basic precepts to which I committed myself when I "took refuge" as a Buddhist specifically prohibit partaking of any intoxicant. Nevertheless, I came to believe that, although I do not recognize an inherently "alcoholic nature," I am certain that my reaction to ethanol differs in some fundamental way from the majority of the population. Since there seems to be some degree of hereditary tendency toward alcoholism in families, that is a reasonable assumption. Therefore I do not argue with the AA assertion that there doesn't seem to be any way to make normal drinkers out of alcoholics of our type.

On the other hand, in this connection I have to think of two diseases with which I have been dealing, diabetes and prostate cancer. The genetic and developmental factors that have caused my diabetes do not seem to be reversible! Nevertheless, I do not "define" myself as a diabetic although I must take it into account every day in so many ways. On the other hand, I find great value in thinking of myself as a "cancer survivor," because I no longer have any evidence of the cancer in my body. With regard to alcoholism, like the diabetes, it does not seem to be reversible, but, like the cancer, there does not seem to be any evidence of it in me any longer. However, also like the cancer, I have to monitor for any sign of its activity. Therefore, when I experienced a "drinking dream" recently, I thought it advisable to get back to AA meetings.

This presents a little problem for me now as a Tibetan Buddhist, because, despite its disclaimers, it is a monotheistic organization rooted in the Western Abrahamic faiths. While this presented only minor difficulties when I was a different brand of Christian than the majority, now opening a meeting with the "Serenity Prayer" and closing with the "Lord's Prayer," not to mention all the "God" references in the readings, do not sit well. That has been a significant obstacle to my frequent attendance at AA meetings.

I recently came upon an adaptation of the 12 Steps in keeping with Buddhist principles written by a Tibetan Buddhist monk. Although I am not sure I agree with him on all points, the work is a worthy effort to meet a need. Perhaps this or another such effort will find applicability to those needs, but I have to look at the resources currently available to me.

I find one particular meeting here in Plant City more comfortable than others. The focus of this one is meditation which is something central to Buddhist practice. This seems a suitable venue for my attending AA meetings both for myself and for the benefit of others. After staying sober this long, I do have experiences which can help others if I share them. This is very much in keeping both with AA's traditions about service and with Tibetan Buddhism's stress on compassion.

Jerome Bixby's Man from Earth

2010-04-25T23:49:00.001-04:00

One of my favorite movies is "The Man from Earth." I can watch it over and over. I have even watched it a couple of times in a row. It is no action movie! Almost everything takes place in the main character's living room. It is such a "thinking movie" that it was not a financial success. The premise of the movie is that a professor has resigned and his colleagues throw him a "going away" party at which he reveals to them that he is 14,000 years old. The rest of the movie consists of his telling of that long life as all these "experts" try to prove that it is false. They really reveal their prejudices and their fixed notions of truth. They get emotionally upset at the challenge to the certainties they have from the limited perspective of one short lifetime. I can see it from both the perspective of a short lifetime and the perspective of centuries. I am living this particular lifetime, but I also have memories extending back for centuries. Such memories give me a fundamentally different viewpoint from most people that I know. It is even different from what I held before I began remembering them. In the movie the main character is forced to recant his claim of his age, not because it was false but rather because his friends could not handle its truth. How often is truth softened because people's minds refuse to accept it? In our samsaric existence we so rigidly maintain our illusions! Nevertheless the Buddha showed us a different way!

Another photo of "Turtle"

2010-04-25T21:24:00.001-04:00

"Turtle" resting

Cars, Vans, and Trucks - ARRRGGGHHH

2010-04-23T22:42:00.001-04:00

Since June of last year my truck has not been running. It had sputtered a little when I drove it the day before flying to Boston. However, when I returned from that trip, it would crank but not stay running. I decided that the problem was a clogged fuel filter, because I had let the gas get very low just before the "sputtering."
Although I was able to get the necessary parts that July, I began having the symptoms of radiation colitis before I got the work done. Between the Summer heat and my lack of stamina the work had been slow. As the bleeding and other symptoms of the colitis grew worse that work came to a screeching halt.
During this time and up to the present, my sister and I have been sharing one van. Now the radiator on the van has developed a leak. I had just gotten healthy enough to resume work on my truck, but was waiting for my broken foot to mend sufficiently to not interfere with the work. However, I was not to resume the repair until tomorrow.
Yesterday the van overheated after water had clearly leaked from somewhere that I could not identify. Fortunately a friend came to our aid and refilled the radiator to get the van safely off the road and took us safely home. During the day he found the leak in the radiator. Unable to replace the radiator until after the first of the month, we have to put "stop-leak" in it, make sure the radiator is full before we start the van, and not drive it outside of town. During the same interval, I have to resume work on my pickup truck. I also have to hope that I diagnosed its problem correctly. I also have to hope that even if my diagnosis is correct, no new problem has developed from it sitting so long.
Although I have several bikes as well as bike parts in my yard, none of them are rideable yet. For exercise so far I have only had a "stationary" bike. Our machines can be so aggravating!!!
Of course, this is a perfect example of impermanence!! All we can do is practice our patience and do our best to.mend the machines. Nevertheless, impermanence also gives us hope because our difficulties will also change. With that hopeful frame of mind I only rescheduled one medical appointment in expectation of having a working vehicle before the next. After surviving all that I have during this lifetime, I cannot let a little car trouble overwhelm me!! I have made it through more. We will make it through this with the help of true friends.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 78 – Medical Indignities

2010-04-01T01:15:00.001-04:00

We have come a long way in medical science from the days of bloodletting and leeches or sacrificing a chicken to appease the gods, but some aspects of modern medicine are still barbaric. The classic “ hospital gown” leaves little room for “modesty,” but I read recently that designers in Great Britain have come up with one that does allow for some measure of decency. However, when one has to have some procedure involving the colon such as surgery or a colonoscopy, the colon must be prepared with a thorough cleansing. This is achieved by inducing diarrhea with a clear liquid diet combined with strong laxatives.

The first of the laxatives are a couple of pills that my grandmother would have classified as “ purgatives,” because it “purges” you. Since there isn't any way to gauge when they will act, you have to be alert for the first feeling of needing to go. Otherwise you will “mess yourself” like before you were potty trained. With the clear liquid diet the action of this laxative continues for quite some time. If the procedure being performed doesn't require a more extensive prep, this might be followed up by enemas in the morning.

However, for a colonoscopy and some similarly extensive procedures, the next day will continue the clear liquid diet and include drinking 4 liters of a polyethylene glycol and electrolytes solution. Its use as surfactants in industry and as dispersing agents and solvents makes me wonder whether I really want to take this stuff inside my body. Nevertheless it does the job for which it is intended in this case. It draws water into the bowel and cleans it all out. I had not completed drinking the first two liters before it started to work. In fact one of my “scheduled” cups of it was delayed by not being to get off the toilet in time for it. At this point you cannot be far from a bathroom, to the extent that I moved my laptop into the bathroom to write this.

I am so very grateful that a friend recommended putting each cup of this “drink” into the freezer for the few minutes between drinks. It is not long enough to freeze it, but being so cold, it is easier to tolerate. Also the nurse advised that Crystal Light could be used to flavor it safely, making it that much more palatable. After the next session of drinking the PEG and electrolytes I wonder whether I will be able to get any sleep tonight. Judging by previous experiences with this same prep, I will be awake much later than I would really care to be.

There is the consolation in all of this that I don't expect there to be much “arc welding” needed. Instead this is more of a follow up exploration. I have not been having any bleeding since the last session of “arc welding,” suggesting that we got the last of the lesions at that time. Nevertheless, that doesn't make the colon prep any less rigorous.

The second and final session of drinking the PEG and electrolytes is particularly difficult with each cup harder to get down than the one before, ending up with nausea that won't go away. I am already drinking sodas, juice, tea, and broth from bouillon which raises the question of what to do about the nausea. I decide that if I were feeling this bad as a child I could have looked forward to some chicken noodle soup, giving me the idea to go to the store for some real chicken broth. That does in fact help to get rid of the sick feeling.

. . . . . .

After hours of sitting on the toilet unable to get away from it for more than a few minutes at a time, although I have not produced any “stool” for a long time with only liquid coming out of me, around 2:00 AM I begin to feel that I can finally go to bed. Sleep is often interrupted by more trips to the bathroom. Nevertheless, I do get up in enough time to head for the VA hospital early enough considering that I don't have to take time for breakfast, not being able to even have a cup of coffee.

. . . . . .

Before the procedure begins, the doctor informs me that my hemoglobin is up which is a good indicator that the bleeding has stopped and been stopped for a little while, just as I had experienced. Having opted for the use of sedation, my memory of the procedure itself is rather hazy, but it seems clear that there is little cauterizing. Furthermore, one of the nurses afterward tells me that there were only “a couple of places.” All in all I feel pretty good about this phase of the recovery coming to an end and I definitely have a good appetite for my Burger King veggie burger and fries.

. . . . . .

“If I am supposed to get sick, let me get sick, and I’ll be happy. May this sickness purify my negative karma and the sickness of all sentient beings.

“If I am supposed to be healed, let all my sickness and confusion be healed, and I’ll be happy. May all sentient beings be healed and filled with happiness....”

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 77 – Phowa, the Bardo, Monasticism and Me

2010-03-28T20:54:00.001-04:00

From my childhood I have repeatedly faced the close approach of death. Nevertheless, each time I have come close to dying, I have survived. First I survived a congenital defect in my aorta and grew up to be an adult. Then during my first enlistment as a sailor I survived some sort of fall while drunk which fractured one single vertebra. Later in a subsequent enlistment I survived a motor vehicle accident with major injuries including a traumatic tear of the aorta. Most recently I have survived a moderately aggressive cancer of the prostate. However, as I pointed out to someone recently, one day I won't survive. It is for that reason that I sought training in the Drikung Kagyu Phowa practice.
I have had the opportunity to become aware of just how suddenly and unexpectedly death may overtake us. Furthermore, I understand that it stalks us from the moment we are born. Not one among us can avoid it. I intend to be prepared for it when it actually happens to me. This Phowa Retreat that I was fortunate enough to attend is precisely about starting those spiritual preparations. In Tibetan Buddhism we believe in the Buddhafields where the suffering of samsara does not exist and all are Buddhas or Bodhisattvas. In Phowa practice we seek to master the ability to gather our consciousness and project it through our “aperture of Brahman” at the time of our death in order to enter the Pure Land of Dewachen, there to begin our progression as Bodhisattvas.
Moreover, we also have the Bardo teachings which reveal to us the nature and stages of death in order that we not be overwhelmed with fear and confusion when we go through them. Furthermore, if we are equipped with sufficient meditative concentration by our training in meditation, we may be able to take advantage of certain stages of the process to attain enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. During the retreat, Venerable Traga Rinpoche made clear that we have so many opportunities for such enlightenment throughout our lifetimes and even in our deaths, but we must work diligently to prepare ourselves for them.
From all these life experiences I have become aware that we can never count on being around for the things that we plan. Furthermore, there is nothing of our lives which we take with us into death except the results of our spiritual practice. All the “stuff” that we diligently strive to accumulate during our lives will be left behind and benefit us not at all when death comes. In fact, our very attachment to the “stuff” and its acquisition may be a great hindrance at that time. Indeed, it is not only the source of so much suffering during our lives but also a cause of our samsaric rebirth. Furthermore, even if I should live to be 80 before I die, three-quarters of my life would be behind me right now and only one-quarter ahead on which I cannot depend. With such considerations in mind one may well ask, “How may I best use the time that remains to me?” For me the answer is to spend it as a monk in service of the Dharma and in service to all sentient beings.
Over the course of my recovery from the radiation therapy which treated the cancer I have had to deal with certain aftereffects of that therapy, most significant of which were fatigue and radiation colitis. That overwhelming fatigue is gone and has been for some time now. I am still building up my stamina to undertake normal activities that I had pursued before treatment. However, the radiation colitis has been the most persistent aftereffect and the most annoying and limiting with its accompanying bleeding. The doctors scheduled several “arc welding” sessions to cauterize the lesions. Even these had their own aftereffects because the cauterized tissue is irritated and results in increased bowel urgency. However, that passes after a few days.
As I write this I am in the middle of the colon prep for another “arc welding” session. However, this time I have reason to hope that it will only be a follow-up look around and won't actually involve any cauterizing. Since I do not have any bleeding or other symptom, it is quite reasonable to hope that even this problem is past. That would mean that I could follow some simple exercise regime like bicycling and get my weight loss program back on track. Furthermore, I can get back to the process of putting this house in order and getting rid of more “stuff.” I want the house to resemble a monastery more than a junk heap. Although it may be impractical to get down to just the few possessions prescribed for a Buddhist monk when a home must be maintained, I know that I can live quite satisfactorily with a lot less “stuff.” In fact, it seems that the less “stuff” I have the better my quality of life. Of course, what we consider to be very little would be considered great wealth in most of the rest of the world.
I aspire to be ordained as soon as that may be, hoping that it may at least be this year. Indeed, I hope that it may be at Spring Retreat in a couple of months, but I have as yet heard nothing about any ordinations planned for then, much less about my own. In the meantime, I shall follow the advice of Lama Thubten Yeshe and Lama Thubten Zopa Rinpoche and even a laywoman and strive to live as though I were a monk already except not wearing a monk's robes. However, in accordance with what my Lama has said, I will wear my Ngakpa robes whenever that may be appropriate. While I doubt that I can live fully in accordance with the letter of the Vinaya, I can seek to live in accordance with its spirit.
Also I now should follow up contacts that I made with the chaplains at two local hospitals and a hospice and make contact with those at another hospital and another hospice. The role that I can see for myself in this regard is to be the first point of contact when Buddhist clergy are needed to meet the spiritual needs of their patients. Since I know most of the Buddhist groups in the area, I can probably find suitable clergy to serve them. I could possibly even provide transportation to monks who don't drive.
As far as my ordination is concerned, I shall continue to make my preparations, ready to go wherever I may need to go to with very little notice. Nevertheless, I shall continue to plan for the Spring Retreat at TMC Maryland. It should be good for me whether I were ordained then or not. While the Phowa Retreat was oriented toward a specific training, I can see that it has had more general good effects on my spiritual practice.
In all this as in everything else on this Buddhist path, I am in it for the “long haul,” and not for myself alone. My focus needs to continue to be, “How can I be of greatest service to all sentient beings?” When someone recently commented on the work I was doing for the Dharma, I responded, “I am not a cause, but an effect,” recalling that all that I am and all that I am capable of doing is the result of all that I have been taught by others. If there is any good that I may do or anything worthwhile that I may accomplish, it is to the credit of all those who have been the causes of the effect that I am.

Preparing for Ordination – Attachment, Aversion, and Equanimity

2010-03-20T21:48:00.001-04:00

I wrote this back in November but never posted it to my blog.

This evening I went to the grocery store. Although I had only run out of one essential item, I decided that I should make it a regular shopping trip, getting the usual things that I keep on hand. In so doing, I made an interesting discovery: my attitude toward food has changed. It was not so firmly rooted in the attachment/aversion type of feelings that it had been, but rather it was closer to equanimity in approaching the choices on a more utilitarian basis. Nevertheless, I cannot claim to have attained perfect equanimity.

The chocolate cake that I bought, in spite of being sugar-free, is not truly utilitarian but rather pleasurable. However, even though a food may be pleasurable, it does not automatically represent attachment unless that is the primary or only reason for getting it or eating it. Nevertheless, despite this particular lapse, the rest of my choices seemed more practical than usual. However, this is more a matter of progress rather than perfection. I have a long way to go to truly attain equanimity.

Perhaps the strangest thing about this experience is that it seems that it may be a result of the weeks of poverty that I recently experienced. During that time I went to the food banks and gratefully accepted whatever I received, having no choice in what it was. Indeed the only choice that I exercised was to trade any meat items to my sister for a vegetarian alternative. I am most grateful that I retained at least this spiritual outcome from the whole experience. However, I am sure that I shall see other benefits that I derived from it as well.

Now more than four months later I am adding to it and finishing it.

Most of my Vajra brothers and sisters around home are vegetarian as I have been now for several years. When I took refuge and started trying to keep the five refuge precepts or samayas, I tried to observe the first one, “I will (try) to refrain from harming living creatures (killing),” by stopping eating meat of any kind. This wasn't such a big step because I have probably spent half my life as a vegetarian as well as the years that I was a “fishetarian”as a n Eastern Orthodox monk Nevertheless, not all Tibetan Buddhists are, because the Tibetan Plateau is a poor place to grow the kind of vegetables required to maintain that kind of diet. The only previous breaks in my vegetarianism since I took refuge have been occasions that one lady at the Chinese take-out restaurant has given me extra things when I was ordering close to closing.

At the Phowa Retreat it turns out that many of the members of this Sangha are not vegetarians. I have little choice but to eat meat when it is offered to me. I feel it would be a greater wrong for me to offend the hospitality of my brothers and sisters. Furthermore, the samayas that guide me as a Ngakpa bear on this in that I am to maintain a view “ which transcends the pure-impure dichotomy.” I can always chant the Amitabha mantra for a good rebirth for the animals who gave their lives for our food. This is the time to practice not having aversion, but rather equanimity!

This situation was relieved by another retreatant requesting vegetarian alternatives. At this point it is now an option allowing me to choose to continue being a vegetarian. For me the point is that no sentient being should die to provide my meal. Of course, this can never be perfectly practiced, because insects may be inadvertently or intentionally killed by the farmers. Nevertheless, I can maintain that intention as I seek to benefit all sentient beings.

I must remember that if I were to become a Theravadan monk in a traditionally Buddhist country like Thailand, I would be totally dependent on “alms rounds” for my food. I would exercise no choice over what I ate or even how much I had. While my circumstances may be different in America as a Tibetan Buddhist monk, I should still apply the spirituals principle that it represents: avoiding attachment and aversion and practicing equanimity!

Phowa Retreat

2010-03-20T20:45:00.001-04:00

Retreat: T Minus Two Days

Having arrived in Gainesville for this very special retreat, I find a Sangha laboring with their utmost effort to make everything right for the occasion. Of course, things sometimes go wrong despite our best efforts. I seemed to have had some miscommunication about where I was to be, but thanks to help from a friend I could pay for a taxi to get me where I needed to go. I was then put to work productively helping a member do some of the shopping for the retreat.

On the other hand, it seems that the fact that I couldn't finish replacing the old wiring in part of my sister's house has resulted in the old problems still showing up. However, since there is nothing that I can do from this distance, I can only hope that things will work well enough that I can fix the rest when I get back home. Running out of wire left too much of the old wiring in place in that part of the house. What I have to do right now is to focus on where I am and what I am supposed to be doing here and now.

At this moment I can do nothing about things in other places and at other times. Right now I need to get the rest that I haven't been getting this week in order to tackle the list of tasks that are needed tomorrow before Rinpoche gives his public talk. The list isn't really all that long nor are the tasks that difficult, but they are nevertheless part of the necessary preparations.

Retreat: T Minus One Day

This morning I woke earlier than I usually do which was quite a surprise considering how tired I was yesterday. In preparing for the trip I had pulled an “all-nighter” to get packed and really didn't sleep on the bus. It was amazingly quiet here for a building in a business area of the city, but the noise has increased over the course of the morning.

I managed to do all my assigned tasks in a relatively short time and was able to spend a little time in quiet meditation. Some of the Sangha members will be arriving soon and we'll get busy setting things up here for tonight's public talk. Of course we will be making sure we have everything ready for the actual retreat which starts tomorrow. Once the retreat begins, there will be little time to do anything extra.

As with anything of this sort some things have to go wrong. At least for this event none of them have been of any real significance. When Rinpoche actually arrived, I was sitting on the floor taping down an extension cord for the coffee pot for hot water, trying to prevent an accident from someone tripping over the cord. I had to scramble upstairs for the beginning of the talk and had no time to put on my Ngakpa robes. I felt embarrassed which was, of course, only within me, because it did not matter to Rinpoche.

However, we had the problem that there was too little light in the “Shrine Room,” particularly because the ceiling is painted gold and there were only a couple of portable flood lights. Fortunately a co-owner of the building was able to bring lamps out of his office creating a more “homey” environment. This seemed to bring the participants closer which was especially good since there were few if any persons attending this talk who were not going to take part in the retreat.

Retreat: Day One

There were only two of us staying at the Center, being officially “Temple Guards” or “meditating all night.” While we might not have been inclined to meditate all night last night, we might not be far from that tonight having been inspired by Traga Rinpoche's teaching today. There are so many things that I understand better today than I have understood before. Subjects that were clarified ranged from the nature of the Pure Land of Dewachen to more about the relationship of Shravaka's, Pratekya-Buddhas, and Solitary-Realizers to Bodhisattvas.

Venerable Traga Rinpoche has such great patience with all of our questions. Realistically there are things that we don't know that a preschool-age Tibetan child would already understand. Nevertheless, he answered them even when they were almost redundant. Moreover, his answers were so clear and his sense of humor never-failing. It is so clear that he wants nothing so much as for us to fully understand this practice and to perfect it.

While Phowa practice has similarity to other Vajrayana practices, it is quite different from those I have previously learned. I had not encountered any which involved the “channels, winds, and drops” which constitute the elements of Tibetan Buddhist spiritual “physiology.” While these may be considered to be within the physical body, they are not truly part of it in the manner that the esophagus or trachea are. In fact, there is a distinction made between the “coarse body” and the “ subtle body.” Nevertheless, they are important parts of what makes up a human being even if we are unaware of them and practice little control of them. Fortunately this does not require extensive training about this whole field of study and training, but rather its simplest elements.

Interestingly, we are instructed to do Phowa practice daily once we have begun it until we have the “ signs of attainment.” After that we should to do it daily for the rest of our lives. In other words we are to do it daily from now on. That is something that I already want anyway, because, as I told one of the members of this Sangha, in my life I keep surviving things, but one day I won't. At that point I want to be able to remember this training and put it into practice. Furthermore, as I progress in this practice and delve further into the process of death and rebirth as Tibetan Buddhists understand it, I shall become more able to benefit others especially at the time of their death.

On a more mundane note, these stairs have been getting to my knees, making my sitting cross-legged more difficult. It reminds me a little of last June in Boston with my room then being on the third floor, although this time the shrine room is on the third floor. Today I had to get some arnica gel as an additional treatment for my arthritic knees to aid my prescription meds. Nevertheless, this evening I took a longer walk than I have taken since before my cancer diagnosis. It was so strange to walk 16 blocks in one direction without recognizing anything but the Masonic Lodge and one funeral home! The next walk should be in a different direction. I'll save my visit to the University of Florida campus for the daytime, but I doubt that I'll recognize all that much. Definitely an example of impermanence!!

Retreat: Day Two

Today's training was more a matter of having our myriad questions answered. We have so many, but Rinpoche has patience for them all even if some have made him laugh. One aspect of this practice that is common to most Vajrayana practices is that a level of devotion and persistence is required to gain any benefit. However, this one requires that the practitioner continues practicing long enough and frequently enough that not only are the signs of accomplishment present but also the complete practice will be remembered at the time of death. However, there are benefits from Phowa in addition to those for the time of death.

I can see that the complexity and difficulty of the visualization are bound to improve one's ability visualize other deities for other practices. This is a much more difficult visualization than that required for Medicine Buddha practice. While I would not say that I have perfected that practice, this is going to take even more practice. Nevertheless, my life experiences are highly motivating to keep me doing Phowa the rest of my life.

Retreat: Day Three

Now we are getting into the practice more than on previous days. While there are still some questions, we are spending more time in the actual Phowa practice. The repetition of the practice is what we need if we are to be able to remember it when we need it at the time of our death.

Since I am not staying in a residence, I have not been able to shower, just doing a “sponge bath” instead. Today one of the practitioners took me home for a shower, such a delight. She even volunteered to do my laundry for me and bring it to me the next day. Everyone is so kind to try to take care of me.

Retreat: Day Four

Today we again spent most of the time with Rinpoche in actual practice.

I think that I may actually be learning some of the melodies. I have recorded certain parts on my little MP3 player to help me learn them, but the sheer repetition of them in our practice may be having the greatest effect. It may also be that Rinpoche's encouragement and our powerful motivation are also helping us. At the very least we fully comprehend from our life experiences the importance of what we are learning.

I can't wash my Ngakpa robes because the maroon bleeds onto the white. Therefore I conceive of doing an “ herbal dry cleaning.” At lunch time I got the herbs I need. I found out that there is a laundromat just past where I walked three days ago, deciding that I should walk there after supper. Everyone seems concerned that such a walk would be too much for me. One lady insists on giving me a ride there. The process turns out pretty well, but I could have used more of the herbs. I wound up having a very pleasant walk back to the retreat site.

In spite of the effects of the walk and the level of activity that I have been maintaining, I wind up having difficulty settling down to get sleep. I have a level of inner agitation. I am not sure whether it is an effect of the environment in this part of town, but I am inclined to think that it is a temporary side effect of the Phowa training. It is an energetic practice involving “subtle energies” albeit on a very simple basis. Nevertheless, a little herb tea and time spent walking around spinning my prayer wheel do get me settled enough to sleep. All the use of my prayer wheel lately has resulted in a thread holding the chain together (after a previous repair) breaking, but I fixed it again with thread from my travel sewing kit.

Retreat: Day Five

More practice, more practice, more practice, more practice. This is the key. Nevertheless, Rinpoche answers our questions with extreme patience.

It is obvious that he is not feeling well. He declined invitations to be taken to restaurants for some of his favorite foods. While I don't know how serious his condition may be, he is very definitely not feeling very well.

I have been having a lot of trouble with my knees, sitting cross-legged for such long periods and climbing these stairs so many times each day. There is also a particular spot on my left knee that causes excruciating pain when I kneel on it or hit it when I do prostrations. I have begun to do the practice sitting in a chair. I should be ashamed that I let a little pain interfere with practicing while Rinpoche pushes himself to teach us when he is so obviously not well. If he feels that it is that important to teach us Phowa, how can we not place an equal importance on doing it diligently.

Tonight I again have trouble settling down. Indeed it seems there is likely to be difficulty getting sleep from other causes. My knees are giving my even more trouble. There are so many party-goers out for St. Patrick's Day and there is a crew laying fiber optic cable just outside the building. With all these things interfering with sleep, I decide at 4:00 AM that it is too late to sleep and reliably get up in time to get things ready for Retreat participants. With all that time on my hands I do get in some extra sessions of Phowa practice overnight.

My prayer wheel again breaks. The little bit of thread was not satisfactory to fix it. Furthermore, the little links of the chain start to come apart as I try to use a staple as a replacement link. I finally just removed them hoping that I can get a little twine to tie the weight on as a temporary repair.

Retreat: Day Six

Today, after a very few questions we spent the morning practicing Phowa, but it was evident that Rinpoche was not well. His voice was not as strong at times and he would have severe attacks of coughing. We finished a little early and his appetite did not seem to be at all good.

We had a Tsok offering ceremony for the afternoon. This did seem to lift Rinpoche's spirits with him leading much of the chanting. He also very obviously did not want to trim anything out of the ceremony although we were seriously concerned that he might overtax himself.

At the end of things, my prayer wheel wound up looking rather like Rinpoche's with the weight tied on with a cord. I was most blessed that the dakinis provided me with the string for my repair. Unknown to me, a banner had lost one of its long tassels. A single strand of it was laying right in the doorway as I went through. Wrapped and tied multiple times, it now holds the weight onto my prayer wheel. It went from one holy use to another.

Retreat Plus One Day

The retreat is over and we all wish it had not ended. However, every one of us who understands how seriously ill Rinpoche is accepts it and treasures the teaching all the more, because we know that he really should have stopped sooner. Nevertheless, he could not be persuaded any sooner.

Now we have to take everything down at the downtown location and bring it back to the regular Center. We also have to clean up after ourselves. We got most of the things out, but still need to clean. After that we have a crew with a full-size pickup truck and strong arms to do the heavy lifting.

Besides the actual teaching we received and the training in the Phowa practice there is so much more that we gained. I have even arranged for my ride from the bus station for Spring Retreat at TMC Frederick, Maryland, two months from now.

Retreat Plus Two Days

On this final full day of my stay here, I cleaned the space where we held the retreat. The “Shrine Room” and the kitchen needed to be swept, vacuumed and mopped. The total floor space in the “Shrine Room” is more than the total floor space of my house. In addition I have to do the same for a hallway and the stairs. While it is satisfying to make a positive contribution to the event, this taxed me to the limit, but I completed it successfully. Nevertheless, I am quite sore and tired from it.

I catch my bus for home tomorrow. As it turns out I didn't do any more walks in other directions or visit the University of Florida campus. However, such things are really not that important. What is truly important is that I had very significant spiritual training. Furthermore, I have received more encouragement for my aspiration to be ordained a monk in addition to seeing a good example of what a good monk should be.

I shall be returning home tired but bearing a great spiritual treasure. My next retreat is not that long from now, but I can hardly wait especially since I may be ordained then!

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 76 – Meeting the Buddha

2010-03-08T23:32:00.002-05:00

Saturday, my sister, a friend, and I went to the Vietnamese Buddhist temple, Pháp Viện Minh Đăng Quang, in Tampa to welcome the Jade Buddha of Universal Peace to our area. This most beautiful statue was carved by Thai craftsmen from a huge boulder of jade found in Canada. Its eventual home will be in a stupa in Australia. Not coincidentally, this enterprise of turning the boulder into such a powerful image with a message of peace was encouraged by Lama Zopa Rinpoche.

Quoting from the invitation to the ceremonies:
“The Jade Buddha for Universal Peace is the largest Buddha carved from gemstone quality jade in the world. The Jade Buddha stands nearly 9 feet tall and is beyond value. Its size and beauty make it a wonder of the world. The Buddha inside the Mahabodhi Stupa in Bodh Gaya (India) is the model for the Great Jade Buddha. This Buddha was chosen because it is universally recognized by all Buddhists. Famous artisans from Thailand carved the Buddha from a rare boulder of translucent Jade (“Polar Pride”) which was discovered in Northern Canada in 2000.
“Veneration of the Jade Buddha will include recitation of the Buddha’s Ten Thousand Names for Repentance and Reform. We will devote our merits to World Peace and Happiness for All Sentient Beings.”
This community, the Vietnamese Buddhists of Tampa Bay, are a very devout and generous group of people who exemplify Lord Buddha's teachings in practice. A good friend, who has studied more of Buddhism overall than I have, explained that the Buddhism of Viet Nam is truly non-sectarian although generally called Mahayana. I personally experienced their welcoming and accepting character in their acceptance of me as a Ngakpa in my robes. In fact they made all of us welcome. In this setting, where, as another friend stated it, we were in the minority, beyond the language differences I felt so comfortably at home.
On the day before, when we had gone to the temple mistakenly on the wrong day due to a typographical error in a notice, I went into the temple and venerated their main Buddha statue and spent a few minutes in meditation. One of the ladies, sought so fervently to encourage us to come back on the correct day. The welcome felt so genuine especially because I recognized the lady from those who had come to the Maitreya Project Relic Tour. In fact, on Saturday, I recognized so many more faces from that weekend.
On this occasion we saw the results of all the work that had been under way on Friday. Beautiful decorations had been completed. Flowers were everywhere. So many people were dressed in traditional costume as well as festive attire. Everything about the setting and the level of excitement of everyone clearly spoke of expectation of the imminent arrival of a most famous dignitary.
On this Saturday morning I felt my first obligation to again go into their temple to again venerate their Buddha and meditate. However, just as I got to the steps, the relics were being brought out, giving me the opportunity to venerate them which turned out to be the only such opportunity on this day. As we went to find a seat while we could, we found a friend we knew from a very different setting who had also unexpectedly been a few seats away from us when we went to see the Dalai Lama give a public talk in Davie, Florida.
This event began with a procession of the monastics with the highest honor being given to the head abbot of the International Sangha Bhiksu Buddhist Association and including among them the abbots and abbesses of several monastic communities. The presence of the Jade Buddha in our local area being such a great privilege, several local dignitaries were also present including local politicians. We were most fortunate that they were considerate enough to keep their speeches brief.
For me there were three high points in the ceremony. First was the release of doves, several of whom seemed most reluctant to leave the presence of the Jade Buddha either landing on it or nearby, generally staying very close to it for a considerable time. Next was the participation of the children which included a “dragon” and fireworks. Finally, there were the actually prayers for peace chanted by the monastics led by the senior abbot. I could not tell whether these were being chanted in Pali or in Vietnamese, but some of them were obviously very familiar to the Vietnamese people present as they joined in the chanting. Overall they were dramatic and very moving in spite of my not understanding the actual words. The energy of them was palpable.
My personal high point of the day was the opportunity to venerate the Jade Buddha myself. I was able to make prostrations before it and circumambulate it. However, I must admit that at that point I was becoming physically tired. The previous day I had thought that we could go from this ceremony to “Change Your Mind Day,” but I had decided that it would most likely be too much for one day. I now realize that I had been right to change my plans to just visit some thrift stores on my way home in search of a power unit for the laptop that I had been given to recycle and to find a couple of long sleeve white knit shirts.
Although I am steadily gaining strength, I still wind up pushing the limits of what I can do. Perhaps this is the only way that we can find out that the processes of healing have extended those limits. This isn't really a situation of “overcoming obstacles,” because my efforts had minimal impact on these changes. Instead, the most that I could contribute toward all of this was to create the best environment for healing to take places whether by availing myself of alternative healing modalities like Reiki or striving to maintain the right spiritual conditions for healing. I am most grateful that, between my karma, my efforts to facilitate my healing and the benefits of both alternative and conventional healing modalities, I am not only overcoming the cancer but also recovering from the treatments.
I was also able to get to the Dharma Center on Sunday afternoon, getting back to the normal and everyday things of my life. It was so good to be with my Vajra brothers and to share with them the experience of seeing and venerating the Jade Buddha! I could also share with them my excitement at having the opportunity to attend the Phowa Retreat in Gainesville and discuss some of my efforts to support the center with my crafts, skills and talents. In all this, the most important thing is that I seek to be of benefit to all sentient beings.. Every endeavor, every struggle, every effort has its true value in that!

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 75 part 2 – continuing My Two Ages

2010-03-05T01:37:00.000-05:00

I recently pointed out or rather pointed toward this story for someone's edification about her situation:
“Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen.
“Nan-in served Tea. He poured his visitor's cup full, and then kept on pouring.
“The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. 'It is overfull. No more will go in!'
"'Like this cup,' Nan-in said, 'you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?'". (from: http://www.angelfire.com/moon/vmsivakumar/Awwzen.htm)
While the lady's situation was of a mundane nature, involving computer problems, she had nevertheless received wise counsel which she chose to ignore deeming her own knowledge superior to that of the experienced computer technician. Just like her and the professor in the story, we may be too full of our own opinions to receive wise counsel. How great a fool I would be to believe that I know more than my Lama!
When I regard my sister's and my own willingness to continue learning new things, I realize that it is of limited value if we merely accumulate knowledge but fail to develop wisdom. Nevertheless, that is just what our culture teaches us to do. Age is not respected and wisdom is not valued. Instead youth is glorified and great efforts and sums of money are spent on trying to preserve it. Furthermore, we are bombarded with messages that acquiring this or that thing will satisfy our deepest needs, while we are kept forever seeking some new thing never being satisfied. If we should gain wisdom, how could we be so easily manipulated?
I just cannot give myself over to the cultural forces which are so contrary to our good. In my own life I have seen that no joy comes from wealth and acquisitiveness. On the contrary I have found that some of my most joyful times have been when I had little or nothing materially, but had the company of family and good friends. Some of my most memorable Christmases as a child were those for which little money was spent and few gifts were exchanged. However, each of the gifts was chosen with great care to be the most suited to the recipient. Isn't this an example of the lesson of Buddhism that true joy comes from seeking the joy of others rather than of ourselves?
How hard it is to free ourselves from the influences that have governed us and our culture so long!! In the 20 centuries since Jesus taught loving-kindness and compassion have any of the “Christian nations” demonstrated such virtues? I know of no examples, but that could merely be my ignorance. However, often they have been demonstrated in traditionally Buddhist countries in spite of the competing forces of hatred and violence. In contrast, even now the “Christian right” supports America's wars overseas.
Likewise the great wealth of America and other Western nations does not seem to increase everyone's happiness or make them more courteous or hospitable. On the other hand, I have been told often of travelers in India finding great joy and boundless generosity among the poorest residents. This is not at all strange to me in the light of my own life experience, because I grew up poor but happy and was taught generosity and hospitality as duties. I was taught that as long as we shared the little that we had with those who had less we would never lack. We were not promised wealth but that we would have enough for our needs. We always did.
As I have gained strength in my recovery, I am again finding that I can be of service to others. I have begun to make preparations for attending a Phowa retreat in Gainesville. In this I am seeking to learn another way to be of service. Indeed in the opportunity of this retreat I have sought a “work-study” position to be part of making it happen for others. Last June when I also had a “work-study” position for His Eminence Garchen Rinpoche's teachings in Boston, I found great joy in working for Rinpoche and serving others.
At his moment I am unsure whether I shall have the “work-study” position for the Phowa retreat. Nevertheless, I intend to go and trust that even without that opportunity I shall have my needs met for this month and learn what I need in the retreat. If I were becoming a Theravadan monk in a country like Thailand, I would depend for my sustenance on the generosity of the local population to feed me on a daily basis. No matter how much I may depend on the regularity of my monthly pension check, I still have to have the same confidence and non-attachment that the daily alms rounds teach. Furthermore, “dana” has both giver and a receiver and without the receiver the giver cannot give. My own pride has often made it hard for me to receive the beneficence of others to meet my needs.
The great wisdom that needs to be remembered is that all this is not about me and my needs, but rather about being of service to others. It does not matter whether that service is doing things for others myself or in giving others the opportunity to gain merit by sponsoring my efforts. It is in just such a way that my becoming a monk can benefit all sentient beings although I am most unlikely to ever be a Lama or much of a teacher of any kind starting at such an age as I am. Nevertheless, I can still serve!

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 75 – My Two Ages

2010-02-25T00:21:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about aging lately. It is something that I am fortunate to still have the opportunity to continue doing, having survived the cancer. My very best friend from childhood has been dealing with how his father is aging. I have been reading Still Here by Ram Dass. In addition, my sister and I were talking about it as we drove back from going down to Davie, Florida to hear His Holiness the Dalai Lama speak.

We had made a “pit stop” at a Burger King for a bathroom break and a fresh cup of coffee, entering the restaurant behind a party of retirees. As we continued our drive we talked about how little we had in common with them although we are very much in their age group. I then discussed with her my idea of having two ages, a mental age and a physical age. In the inexorable process of nature, my body is aging and I cannot stop it as long as I continue to live. However, I believe that the mind is ageless as if it existed outside time, but I also see my own mind as much younger than my aging body.

From their conversations we could tell that the group of aging retirees shared the same interests, interests common to many other retirees, interests “appropriate” to their age. However, my sister and I tend to share the interests of a younger generation. Furthermore, although they also shared the “ appropriate” styles of dress of older people, such styles are of no interest to us nor hold any attraction for us. We are aided in our not “feeling old” and “thinking old,” by good genes for not looking quite as old as we are. Recently, when I shaved off my very full gray beard, I was told how much younger I looked. When I no longer presented such a dominant sign of my age, there were not significant wrinkles to give away my age.

Nevertheless, I sometimes feel my age in my body when cold damp weather aggravates my arthritis making movement difficult or interfering with my grip strength. Therefore, although I may not always see the effects of aging in my appearance, I am reminded that I am still getting older. However, I do enjoy some of the “perks” of my “senior citizen” status like discounts and the possibility of taking courses at the community college free.

I am inclined to think that my sister and I maintain our youthful minds in part by spending time in the company of younger people with whom we share more interests than we do with our contemporaries. In addition, my view of the years since the beginning of my current rebirth from the perspective of the memories of previous rebirths extending back over centuries makes it seem such a short time. That same perspective makes many of the concerns of our contemporaries seem so trivial. Furthermore, our spiritual point of view may also have a bearing on it as well.

My sister and I have both noticed that the Buddhist monks whom we know or about whom we know are notable in not looking as old as other people of the same age. We are inclined to attribute it in part to their practice of meditation. However, it may also have something to do with their lack of attachment to the usual concerns common in our culture. Furthermore, functioning within the context of compassion as His Holiness the Dalai Lama teaches, we can operate without fear, anger, worry, or most other sources of stress which can age or sicken us.

Finally, as Buddhists we believe in the inevitability of change which is not something to resist but rather accept and even value. Furthermore, we continue to learn new things and welcome new experiences. We refuse to get stuck in any particular time, but rather move with the flow of time. Of course all of this does not serve us alone but rather all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 74 – Precious Human Life

2010-02-18T21:27:00.000-05:00

The last time that I got to our Wednesday meditation group at Katsel Dharma Center our subject for consideration and object of contemplation was “precious human life.” We were instructed to realize that it was not simply a human life, but rather one that included exposure to the Dharma, that provided the time for the study and application of the Dharma, and that gave us the mental capacity and disposition to study the Dharma. Furthermore, although we may have the beginning of such a life, we need for it to be long enough to truly benefit from the opportunity that is provided.
In this present rebirth I have reached the point of having both the opportunity and the disposition to study and apply the Dharma very late in life. Nevertheless, the karmic seeds bearing fruit throughout this life have been the sort to provide life experiences to teach me Dharma lessons such as the impermanence of all things and the inevitability of death. Furthermore, they have also served to teach me precisely the preciousness of “precious human life” through the full awareness of how easily it may be lost.
From my infancy there have been conditions which have existed and events which have occurred which should have proved fatal and yet I have survived. Sometimes the threat was subtle and the survival was equally subtle. At other times the threat of death was very dramatic and my survival was equally dramatic. Whether subtle or dramatic, they have combined to predispose me not only to receive this teaching but also to value it. Furthermore, this has motivated me to seek monastic ordination rather than waste the rest of my life in pursuits which are not of lasting value. Nevertheless this is not for myself alone but for the benefit of all sentient beings.
As I prepare for my eventual ordination, the very process of divesting myself of the encumbrance of possessions becomes the opportunity to teach others about the nature of attachment and to examine its nature more intimately myself. As I deflect undeserved praise for these activities, I have the opportunity to teach others about Karma as well as dependent origination and also to examine these more intimately for myself.
With regard to the preciousness of “precious human life,” I am also fortunate that I have memories from previous human rebirths including one, centuries ago, when I was born in India but became a Tibetan Buddhist monk. Even with that, it took several centuries and many rebirths, some as a human being and perhaps others as other sentient beings, for me to get back to the study and practice of the Dharma. I am so fortunate to have another “precious human life” after such a short interval, considering that there may be others who have not yet had a “precious human life.” Bearing this in mind how can I consider wasting it on useless pursuits which neither benefit me nor any other sentient being.
As a monk the rules of the Vinaya reduce the conditions for accumulating negative Karma. They also focus our efforts toward constructive pursuits such as study and sadhana practice. Furthermore, so many nonessentials are removed from our lives that we have the opportunity to see what is truly important and apply ourselves to it. Considering the rarity and brevity of a “precious human life,” these are valuable among the many benefits of Vinaya for ourselves and others.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 73 – The Satisfaction in Small Accomplishments

2010-02-17T00:41:00.001-05:00

Since I began my radiation treatments in December 2008, I have experienced a decline in what I was capable of doing. Initially, after they ended I began regaining many abilities. The side effects that developed over the course of the treatments seemed to diminish with time. However, after a further passage of time, what were really aftereffects began to show up. These actually centered on the symptoms of radiation colitis. I began to have a problem with rectal bleeding which could occur at any time with no notice.

In the Fall of 2009 we began a series of procedures, beginning with a colonoscopy, to diagnose and treat the lesions that were found. There followed a couple of flexible sigmoidoscopies with the last being, Monday, February 1 ^st. There has not been a single episode of bleeding since that day. As a result I have been able to do things that I had not done for some time.

I attended Meditation practice at the Dharma Center two Wednesdays in a row. I even managed to change the oil in the van, after months of not being able to do any kind of mechanic work. Furthermore, for Brigid's Fire at All World Acres, I was able to fulfill my duties as Fire Tender for the Sweat Lodge ceremony, albeit with a little help from two very good friends.

These developments bring such great satisfaction because they represent such significant improvement in my condition and a return to normal capabilities. Perhaps more importantly, I am again finding ways to be of service to others which I had not been able to do for far too long. Whether it is simply by being part of my sangha, Katsel Dharma Center, or by trying to help raise funds to meet its needs, I am returning to a level of activity that has been long overdue.

Furthermore, my sister and I have been able to get tickets to attend a talk that His Holiness the Dalai Lama will be giving next week in Davie, Florida, and we have a real possibility, indeed probability, of actually getting there. This would have been an impossible drive for me to make just a few weeks ago. Indeed, I could not even be sure about it when we bought our tickets, but I had to act on faith or fail to get the tickets because they sold out rather quickly.

I am also making plans to attend a retreat in Gainesville next month. This is yet another opportunity that did not exist for me such a short time ago. Although there are matters which still have to be worked out, such as being able to afford it, I am now physically capable of attending. Nevertheless, an opportunity for training in Phowa practice is such an important way to prepare to be of service to all sentient beings that I cannot let it pass without trying my utmost to get there.

All the experiences of my life, all the times that I have survived, all the lessons that I have learned, and all of the Dharma teachings that I have received have their true value not in my enlightenment if that should ever come, but in my service to all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 72 – A Follow Up

2010-02-07T20:21:00.001-05:00

Last Monday, we had another of what I have come to call our “arc welding” sessions. This time the sedation was sufficient that I did not remember anything about the procedure itself. However, it seems to have been effective enough at cauterizing the bleeding lesions that I have not had an actual episode of bleeding since, although there was a trace of blood in one bowel movement. Of course, I am having to deal with the irritation that it causes in the treated tissues. This makes for a little more frequency and urgency to bowel movements. However, even that is diminishing each day.

On Wednesday night I actually made it to the Dharma Center for the first time in months. It felt good to be there even though I had to sit in a chair rather than on a cushion on the floor. Unfortunately, Sunday afternoon I was not doing well enough to make it there, but this was due to the flare up of my arthritis on such a cold day. Nevertheless, I did manage to start the preliminary steps toward creating an image for a collage that could be sold to support our Dharma Center. Right now it looks as though I will not be able to get what I want by creating it totally digitally, but rather will create the constituent images digitally and print them as photographic prints and assemble them as a mixed media collage on either canvas or wood.

Once again a part of my diverse life experience is finding a new usefulness in the service of others. It seems that nothing I have ever done is totally useless or devoid of value if I apply that experience with the right intention and motivation, taking care that I strive to keep ego out of it. Even episodes in my life of which I am rightly profoundly ashamed, about which I would not speak, serve to make me more compassionate toward others despite their misdeeds and nonvirtuous behavior.

Later this month, my sister and I plan to attend a talk by His Holiness the Dalai Lama. As an emanation of Chenrezig, the Bodhisattva of Compassion, his chief message is for us to be more compassionate toward all living things. This is the context of all our Tibetan Buddhist practice, beginning each session with developing the right motivation and ending by dedicating any merit to the benefit of all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 72 – An Addendum

2010-01-30T20:05:00.001-05:00

Tuesday I did manage to do my “ Auspicious Smoke Ceremony,” but I was not able to burn all the “ Dharma trash.” Only burning about a quarter or a third of it, I still had to babysit the fire for more than two hours. On top of that, some of the damaged icons need to cut into sections to fit into the chiminea and the fabric items proved to be very bulky. I'll have to take advantage of every fire puja day that comes along to finish off the remaining “Dharma trash.”

As far as the essence of the ceremony was concerned, this was very rewarding. It affords such a valuable opportunity to mend broken samayas. No matter how strong our intentions may be, it is so easy to fall short of them. This is one reason I am especially fond of doing the “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony,” both for myself and others. Of course it doesn't hurt that it involves fire to which I have felt a great connection, even to the extent that I have become fire tender for sweat lodge ceremonies. I haven't been able to fulfill those duties for some time now due to the aftereffects of the radiation therapy, but I hope to able to get back to it in a few more weeks.

The important thing for me to realize is that, although my recovery is not complete, it has progressed to the point that I am again able to be of benefit to myself and others.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 72 – Bloody F@*ts and Other Indignities

2010-01-25T04:22:00.001-05:00

A vegetarian diet means depending on beans for a protein source at times, resulting in a certain amount of trouble from flatulence. This usually is just a matter of embarrassment in polite circles, but, with the radiation colitis which has resulted from my radiation treatments, sometimes blood accompanies the gas. A few days ago, while having supper at my sister's house, I f@*ted, but it felt a little “odd” and sent me running to the bathroom. I had bled through my undershorts and trousers. I had to send my sister to get my “just in case bag” out of the van in order to have a change of clothes. I then put the bloody garments in a bucket with hydrogen peroxide to keep the blood from setting until I could launder them the next day.

Of course this is neither the first time I have had such a “bloody f@*t” nor the only circumstance under which it has happened. I have been fortunate that the previous occurrences had been at home rather than outside it or at least happened after I had gotten to the restroom. However, it was inevitable that there would be the kind of occasions for which I created this particular “just in case bag.”

I had hoped that, with the first anniversary of the end of my radiation treatments just around the corner, the bleeding would have stopped completely by now. Nevertheless, in another week I am scheduled for another “arc welding” session to cauterize the remaining lesions. Hopefully they won't find any new ones forming. This Sunday I had also hoped to be able to go to the Dharma Center which I have missed for so long. Instead, the irritation from the same bleeding has kept me from getting very far from the bathroom. I couldn't even get outside the house long enough for some things I have needed to do.

It has been a long time since I have been able to do the “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony.” Since the day was listed in my Tibetan Calendar as astrologically auspicious for “ fire puja,” I had planned to do the ceremony. Furthermore, it has also become increasingly necessary as a means of properly disposing of “Dharma trash,” what we used to call “holy garbage” when I was at the Russian Orthodox monastery, misprints of sacred writings, damaged holy images, vestments which can no longer be used, and similar items. Such things ought to be accorded the appropriate respect for what they represent. Nevertheless, with the bleeding I have to again postpone the “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony” until the next “fire puja” day.

There are a couple of very special Dharma opportunities coming up soon. In February, the Dalai Lama is coming to South Florida including a talk at Nova Southeastern University in Davie, Florida, where the ticket prices are quite reasonable, provided we can get them before they are all gone. I know that my sister and I will be doing everything that we can to be able to go there. In March, the Tibetan Meditation Center in Gainesville, Florida, will be hosting a week-long Phowa Retreat with Venerable

Traga Rinpoche. This is a training that I have sought, but all of the occasions that I had previously found were at distant locations like Washington State, Mexico City, and Bodhgaya, India, all a bit too far for me to manage. However, Gainesville is within reach and work-study may make it affordable.

This past Friday, our Tonglen Practice group on Facebook had its first synchronized practice as group internationally. Although I had problems maintaining my concentration this first time doing this form of meditation for longer than a few minutes, I can tell that it is one of the two practices for which my particular life experiences have especially prepared me. Of course, Phowa is the other. I realize that neither of these practices is something to be entered into casually, but I also know that the same Karma that has brought me the medical issues that have both acquainted me with pain and kept Death close by me can be seen as presenting me with this opportunity to serve the Dharma.

Of course, I could ignore these kinds of consequences of my Karma, but that would leave me locked in the samsaric cycle rather than trying to fulfill the potential within all of us. How many rebirths have I had without even being aware of the Dharma much less serving it as I should? Not only do I again have a human life, but I also have a “precious human life,” both by virtue of again finding the Dharma and by having the life experiences to make this particular use of its lessons in its service for the benefit of all sentient beings..

Getting Cold When You Are Getting Old

2010-01-11T23:30:00.001-05:00

As a child growing up here in Florida I remember our winters varied subjectively from quite mild to barely tolerable. Of course that had a lot to do with our lack of central heating, but not entirely. There was one winter in the mid-Sixties that almost devastated our citrus industry, some groves never being replanted. As an adult, a newlywed in fact, in January 1977, we had snow that not only stuck around rather than melting immediately, but even remained for a second day. Except for the hottest and coldest of days, I have had a broad temperature tolerance. Nevertheless, I always preferred the summer over the winter.

Central heating and air conditioning were rare in homes when I was growing up. Most of us handled the temperatures by wearing more in the winter than in the summer and using space heaters in the winter and electric fans in the summer. Furthermore, for most of us our level of physical activity declined as the temperature rose. Nevertheless, winter weather was usually more of a nuisance than a serious problem although not as benign as the Hawaiian winter which I had the chance to experience in the Navy.

In December 1983 and the rest of that winter in 1984, as a result of my injuries from my motor vehicle accident in the spring of 1983, I experienced my first real trouble with winter weather. Between the plates that were installed in my forearms and the damage to my joints, winters in the monasteries both in Northern California and in New York State were painful with my level of pain rising as the temperature dropped. In fact, that pain sending me to the doctor in California and the size of the bill for the doctor visit and xrays prompted me to apply for veteran's benefits since I believed that the monastery should not bear the expense for the consequences of injuries sustained during military service.

Furthermore, after settling back here in Florida, my psoriatic arthritis, a form of rheumatoid arthritis manifested itself. This too caused me to feel more pain in the winter than in the summer. Nevertheless, I am most fortunate that I have responded so well to treatment with Enbrel that I live with very little pain most of the time. Inasmuch as our weather is generally warm I am spared having too much pain from either my osteoarthritic joints or my psoriatic arthritic joints.

This latest weekend, with its winter weather unlike any since that January of 1977, is causing a lot of us older folks some serious pain and other difficulties. There have been unconfirmed reports of snow flurries in south Florida. The National Weather Service even issued a wind chill advisory for the Florida Keys. So many of us here in Florida, particularly the poorest, have houses like mine without central heat and air conditioning and lacking adequate insulation. I am more fortunate than most in that, if the rest of the house gets too cold, I can withdraw into the bedroom where I have sealed the air leaks and can position both of my space heaters to warm the room. There I can settle in with my laptop or a book and keep warm until bedtime. A mug of Tibetan butter tea is a warming addition to the scenario, my affinity for it perhaps being a remembrance from a previous lifetime.

Other poor older people who don't have a warm place like this are plagued by arthritic pains and risk having serious new health problems, perhaps even pneumonia. They can even die of “exposure” or hypothermia just as though they were outside in the weather. The compassion of the more fortunate should prevent these sorts of things from happening to all these people. However, such compassion is in very short supply and doesn't seem to be getting more common!

Beyond these kinds of conditions which clearly appear to be beyond my control, I can see the karmic roots of some of my medical conditions. My arthritis serves as an excellent example. The psoriatic arthritis just like my cancer and my congenital aortic defect would be the fruit of karmic seeds planted in previous lifetimes, perhaps one in which I was a self-indulgent rich kid. However, to some extent the osteoarthritis is the result of actions in this lifetime, particularly the unwise decision not to go directly home from the Naval Facility, but rather to go to the next town to pick up specially ordered parts for my van and then go out to a nice restaurant for supper before going home, resulting in a near-fatal car wreck.

My karma is my karma whether within one lifetime or extending across multiple lifetimes. Of course, I have the choice of what to make of it. I can just let it run its course or I can make it an occasion to benefit others. I prefer the latter!

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 71 – New Yearses

2010-01-04T22:24:00.001-05:00

Once again I brought in the new year at home alone. I had been accustomed to attending a midnight New Year's AA meeting, but haven't been up to that this year or last. With the conversion to digital TV, which I chose not to do, I did not even watch one of the New Year's shows. I didn't even look for any of them webcast for the occasion. However, for New Years Day I spent the day driving my sister to things she wanted to do and went to several thrift shops. Moreover, I participated in the mantra accumulation with Dri Thubten Dargye Ling in Singapore taking an opportunity in the day to chant the White Tara mantra dedicated to the long long life of H.E. Garchen Rinpoche and for the peace and harmony in the world. I plan to do the same on occasion throughout the year.

At least my circumstances are much better than last year when I was in the middle of radiation treatments for my prostate cancer. Now I am in the middle of recovering from the treatments with good lab results for the cancer. Even my recovery is progressing well.

I find that I am able to do things that I couldn't just a few months ago. I have even undertaken the massive project of putting my home in order. At first I was just trying to get my stationary bike accessible for me to use. Then I wanted to find something that I misplaced. However, the greatest motivation for undertaking this and seeing it through to completion comes from my daily Buddhist practice. First, I reflected that when the conditions in this house are such that I wouldn't invite anyone in for anything, how could it be a suitable place for Lord Buddha? Furthermore, I have had no space for prostrations, but I had not been physically able to do them. Although I was to have gone through Ngondro practices after my Ngakpa ordination, I was shown some leniency by virtue of my age and later by reason of my illness. However, as I am recovering quite well, I should be working my way back toward a reasonable number of prostrations each day.

Furthermore, since I aspire to be a monk, I need to get rid of so much extra “stuff” that I have accumulated. As a monk I am to have very few possessions for myself. Certain others may be needed for the house. A few more things may be needed for those activities whereby I benefit others and serve the Dharma. However, I have far beyond that and some of it would benefit others by being gifted. Such I shall be trying to do right up to the time that I am to be ordained.

Last year I had hoped to not only keep the Western New Year's celebration, but also to participate in celebrations of the Vietnamese, Thai, and Tibetan New Years. I was not able to do such as I had hoped. However, this year I hope to again try to keep all these observances.

One aspect of most New Years traditions is the review of the accomplishments of the previous year and the development of intentions for the newly begun year. In that regard I can see numerous things that I did not successfully complete in the past year, many of which were not completed due to the treatment of my cancer and the aftereffects of that treatment. Such circumstances were beyond my control, but perhaps I should not have had such ambitious expectations. However, my abilities have increased as I have continued to recover from the radiation treatments.

I had set out to work on much needed weight loss, but found that when I needed to add exercise to my weight loss program, the issues of bleeding and of bowel urgency prevented my choosing walking or bicycle riding, because I would be too far from the bathroom. However, I had a stationary bike that I could not use because there was too much stuff around it. Now that I have cleared everything out of the way, I can use it. In fact, I am on the stationary bike as I write these lines. Not only have I made it accessible, but I've also added a shelf to hold a laptop or a book to combat the chief problem that I encounter on a stationary bike, boredom. Unlike a regular bike on which I see changing scenery, on one of these I see the same wall, but reading a book, writing a blog, surfing the web, or watching a movie alleviates the boredom, making this form of exercise tolerable.

I look forward to the Dharma center reopening after the holiday period. Furthermore, since I have recently gotten a “serious camera” with which I can do serious photography, I have conceived of a simple way to raise funds in support of the Dharma center: I should take several photographs which would be suitable for framing and hanging on a wall. These I would sell on eBay as signed and numbered limited edition prints. I would give majority of the sale price to the center, keeping only enough to cover expenses.

I also intend to resume the effort to contact the local hospitals to serve as a contact person to find suitable clergy to meet the spiritual needs of Buddhists who are hospitalized. I got sidetracked from this, but I can now get back to it. In all the medical issues with which I have dealt my whole life and my continuing to survive so many things over the years, I have been given the opportunity to be of service to the sick and the dying. Furthermore, as a Tibetan Buddhist I have the chance to acquire special skills to add to the empathy and understanding that my experiences have created.

In all things I need to find ways to be of maximum service to others and to the Dharma. Whether I am utilizing my art of photography to support the Dharma center or I am visiting the sick or comforting the dying, the most important thing is that I must be acting out of compassion toward the enlightenment of all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 70 – Once Again Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

2009-12-01T01:08:00.001-05:00

Friday and Saturday, I managed to do more than I have been able to do in a long time. I transplanted four columnar basil plants that I had rooted and transferred three cuttings of holy basil from small pots to larger ones. In doing both of these operations, I took the existing potting soil and added peat moss and composted manure in order to give all of the basil plants the best soil as outlined in articles on growing basil. I also re-potted an Okinawan spinach into a five gallon bucket. I even put cardboard out in my backyard in preparation for sheet mulching to reclaim my backyard from the weeds that have flourished in it. After all of that, I still managed to start rearranging things in my bedroom to be able to move my stationary bike into a position where I can use it.

That was so much more than I have done since before my radiation treatments. However, although I was very tired on Saturday and had to deal with the bowel urgency throughout the work, I really paid the price for so much activity Saturday night and Sunday morning. Not only did I have the urgency, but I also had more bleeding than I have had for weeks now. I can only hope that it does not persist. I was forced to forgo any other activities planned for Sunday and rest instead.

On Monday I spread out the cardboard that I had in the backyard and even managed to pull vines down from the back wall of the house. I also did a little more moving around of things in the bedroom to the extent that I could now use the stationary bike as it is, but I still need to get things in some semblance of order because some things are merely stacked up but not organized. Also clothes and bedding that were stored in boxes need to be laundered. I expect that I shall be tired on Tuesday, but I only have one planned project for that afternoon, installing my sisters new hanging lamp over her kitchen table. At least with a modest plan, I may be able to achieve a little without having to spend another day or two recovering from the work.

There is great satisfaction in accomplishing these tasks, but I have to learn to be realistic about my capabilities. As I have written before, I cannot compare what I am now able to do with what I could do before any treatments, but rather with what I could do after all the treatments were finished. An honest evaluation of my abilities requires that I neither overestimate them nor underestimate them. In the former case I would be doomed to failure by repeatedly undertaking projects that I cannot possibly complete. However, in the latter case, I would not even attempt tasks or projects well within my abilities. Ideally I would not always foolishly exceed my capacities, but rather continually seek to extend my abilities by striving to do a little more and a little more. That is the path to progress and growth.

In technical matters I have a beautiful example, learning how to do more things with the Linux operating system. I keep trying to do new things with it, especially things that I knew how to do with Windows. For example, back when I still ran Microsoft Windows on my laptop, I could interface it with my cellphone as a modem. While the cost of minutes on a cellphone could make it prohibitively expensive and the dialup speed would limit its usefulness, it could be valuable to have the option of logging onto the Internet anywhere that I had a cell signal. A few days ago I finally figured out how to connect to my present phone and configure the dialup program under Linux. Not only do I have a satisfying sense of accomplishment, but I have also learned more about Ubuntu Linux. Furthermore, this has practical value in that, in the event that I am hospitalized unexpectedly, I can go online to turn off email lists and upload homework for online courses that I am taking.

In spiritual matters, I similarly need to reach beyond my current accomplishments without trying impossibly difficult practices for my present level of development. Although I know that we all possess buddhanature, I have to remember that I need to persevere in practice in order to overcome the afflictive emotions and obscurations that keep me from buddhahood. Through countless rebirths I have developed the habitual illusions and delusions that hide my true nature and bind me in cyclic existence. I am most fortunate that I am cleansing a lot of karma by living through all the medical issues with which I have been dealing. Furthermore, by applying Dharma in action, I can make it benefit not only myself but also all sentient beings. I am doing this both by sharing with others my experiences of my own “ Journey Through Cancer,” and by being motivated to study and attain proficiency in both Tonglen meditation and Phowa practice.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 69 – Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T23:09:00.001-05:00

Last Thanksgiving I was just a few days away from the start of my radiation therapy. This year those treatments are months behind me and my latest PSA test was a 1.1, having gone from 3.1 to 1.7 to 1.0 and now to 1.1, bearing in mind that anything under 4.0 is considered normal. Therefore, for Thanksgiving I wore my “I am a Survivor” t-shirt. Of course that statement, for me, is about more than just surviving this cancer, but rather about surviving all the things that I have survived in this lifetime.

Today, my sister, our friend who is like a sister, and I had Thanksgiving dinner with another friend with whom we have celebrated the holiday in several past years. We enjoyed the company of her, her daughters and her grandchildren as well as her brother and his wife, her nephew and his wife, and her mother. Knowing that I am a vegetarian, she prepared a vegetarian lasagna which was delicious. It was a very pleasant day and I ate too much, but that is normal for this particular holiday. I can resume my weight control program tomorrow.

Since I haven't completely gotten over the bowel urgency issue, I think I need to get my stationary bike set up to use until I can either resume a program of walking or begin a program of outdoor bike riding. The chief problem with riding a stationary bike is boredom which is why I would rather ride a regular bicycle in the neighborhood or even as basic transportation. Nevertheless, perhaps I can rig up some kind of stand on the stationary bike to hold a book or my laptop to give me something more interesting to do while I get my exercise. However, eventually I will recover sufficiently to no longer need to plan my travels around the availability of clean restrooms.

The lack of a suitable bathroom is just one of the issues that has kept me from any “sobriety sweat”t his season. Hopefully it won't be long before I can participate in one before the summer. At least I can expect to tend fire for the sweat lodge at “Yulefest” at All World Acres in December.

While the radiation colitis has interfered with my participation at Katsel Dharma Center, I am looking forward to getting active again as my recovery progresses. Even though the worst of the colitis lesions were cauterized in the colonoscopy and the sigmoidoscopy, they still needed to heal and are still healing. Of course, this is taking longer than I want it to, but I just have to be patient and do whatever I can to facilitate this healing. I have resumed eating my “medicinal noodles,” Ramen noodles with miso broth, and have begun adding fenugreek sprouts to my sandwiches. With that on the practical side and Medicine Buddha practice on the spiritual side, I am working on my program of recovery to finish getting well. Furthermore, the practice is not for myself alone, but for the benefit of all sentient beings. That is such an important lesson from our lamas!!

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 68 – Recovery and Accomplishment

2009-11-23T23:34:00.001-05:00

Last Wednesday night I finished removing the small section of fence on the north side of my house to open that as the new way to go into my backyard. I even managed to carry the old rusty fencing and rotten posts out to the roadside for the next morning's garbage pickup. Accomplishing this small task is very satisfying after such a long time that I haven't been able to do most of these kinds of jobs. However, this was not completed in just one try but had to be done in small portions. Since the cauterizing of the radiation colitis lesions I have found that any physical exertion brings on serious bowel urgency. While this phenomenon is diminishing, I could only dig a little, pull a little or cut a little each time. Nevertheless, the path is now opened leaving the moving of the paving stones to a later time, again doing a little at a time.

While recovering from my radiation treatments, it is easy to compare what I can accomplish in any project with what I could do before the cancer and the treatments, but that is just a sure way to get depressed needlessly. The proper comparison is what I am able to do now with what I was able to accomplish at the end of the treatments. At that point I could only manage my basic self care but not much else. Even though I have had to cope with the aftereffects of the radiation, my recovery has continued, sometimes in fits and spurts, sometimes moving forward, sometimes losing a little ground, but nonetheless uninterrupted. Therefore, I can do more now than I could at the end of treatments, as well as more than I could several weeks or months ago.

Over the weekend, I helped my sister as a participant at Sustainable Living Conference. With setting up on Friday afternoon and Saturday morning and taking down the booth on Sunday afternoon and Monday afternoon, it was physically demanding. Furthermore, our presentations also required serious effort as well. Nevertheless, I was able to do it, although I have had to rest much of Monday. The accomplishment of all of this has been very satisfying, especially recognizing the progress that this represents.

On Saturday, I spent a little time talking to a friend who has also been through his own “Journey Through Cancer.” Like we are all inclined to do, he has struggled with the comparison of what he can do now with what he could do years ago. We talked about the common human experience of aging in which we find our physical capacities declining over the years. When we add to this the negative results of our cancer and the additional effects of our various courses of treatment, is it any wonder that we find ourselves not able to do what we did years ago? However, if we look at how little we could do at our lowest point physically in this “Journey,” we can see our progress and, hopefully accept it as it is. Notwithstanding the need of our own efforts in making progress in our recovery, we cannot force it into a rate of progress beyond our rate of healing as a physical process.

All of this experience is applicable to spirituality as well. When I seek to evaluate spiritual progress, it is too easy to compare myself to the ideal, but that is a great mistake most of the time. If I am too far from that ideal, I might give up on all my practice. Rather, I need to see that I have indeed made a degree of progress as I have devoted myself to my practice as well as to learn from the particular experiences of my life. The only time I need to refer to the ideal, particularly buddhahood, is to keep me from becoming too content with any specific level of progress. Nevertheless, I need to develop my compassion out of the various aspects of this disease, its treatment, and the recovery from that treatment. Whether it is the pain or the fatigue or the awareness of mortality, it is all to be dedicated to the benefit of all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 67 – Still Recovering, Still Impatient

2009-11-09T22:29:00.001-05:00

In the weeks and months since my radiation treatments, I have been recovering steadily with a few setbacks along the way. The tumor in the prostate has shrunk until it is undetectable. My PSA test value has gone steadily downward. In another week I'll see the radiation oncologist again for a follow-up appointment. At that point I'll find out the latest value for my PSA, but I have no doubt that it will continue the downward progression that we have been watching up until now.

With regard to the big issue, the cancer, I have been having the desired results. At the same time, the side effects, or rather after effects, of the radiation therapy have been improving. While the overwhelming fatigue has decreased and the urinary pain has diminished to almost nothing and the skin irritation has totally gone, not all of the effects are resolved. The symptoms of radiation colitis hit me unexpectedly later than the others. For months I was troubled by bowel symptoms as well as significant bleeding. It took two different attempts at cauterizing the lesions to really bring the bleeding to a stop. For that improvement I am deeply grateful, but I still want to find relief for the other symptoms.

Unfortunately the cauterizing has caused the tissues of the colon to be quite irritated which is slow to heal. As a result I am having a problem of bowel urgency. When I feel the need for a bowel movement, I have little time to delay. I have had a few “accidents” from not getting to the toilet fast enough. Furthermore, the least physical activity brings on the urge for a bowel movement. In addition, while I have had relief from the worst of the fatigue, I still do not have the stamina that I had before the treatments began.

Since this whole thing began, so many things inside and outside this house have been allowed to fall behind in routine maintenance. The interior has not been kept as clean and tidy as it should be. Some repairs have been let slide. During the rainy season the weeds have really gotten overgrown around the yard. The entrance to my back yard that I want to open on the north side of the house to replace the one on the south side has only been cleared of part of the old fence. The paving stones are still on the south side of the house and that opening has not been closed yet. The limbs that fell from my grapefruit tree in the front yard still have not been cleared, although I did manage to cut some of them already.

Besides these things, my truck still has not been repaired. However, I have been able to drive the van for my sister when she has needed it. Nevertheless the tasks that I want and need to do but cannot get done frustrate me. While I realize that I should be patient with myself and my progress, I still find it hard to accept the slow pace.

There have been some notable accomplishments which should be more satisfying, but I keep wanting more. I have fixed a couple of computers for friends, setting them up with the Linux operating system and showing them how to use it. I have even been able to repair this laptop that I use to write my blogs and do my school work. The display went completely black and I replaced the panel and the inverter circuit from another laptop of the same kind. I have even been able to prepare the presentations that my sister will give at a sustainable living conference later in the month.

While I realize that I could not do that much by the time the radiation treatments were finished, I also realize that these feelings are quite normal under the circumstances. In 1983, when I had a major motor vehicle accident, I had a long recovery period before I was declared “fit for full duty.” During that year I was often frustrated by the seemingly slow rate of progress, but I understand in retrospect how severe my injuries were and how near I came to dying. Even though this “ Journey Through Cancer” has not required anything as rigorous as the physical therapy of that year, it is, nevertheless, quite serious and has its own rigors.

I know that these events are unfolding as the fruit of the seeds of Karma planted in a previous lifetime. Through present difficulties a lot of negative karma is being cleansed and even turned into something positive to benefit myself and others. For that I am most grateful, because I can not only understand that Dharma is not just to be studied but to be lived, but I can also show this to others who may yet benefit from it.

Preparing for Ordination – Attachment, Aversion, and Equanimity

2009-11-07T22:50:00.001-05:00

This evening I went to the grocery store. Although I had only run out of one essential item, I decided that I should make it a regular shopping trip, getting the usual things that I keep on hand. In so doing, I made an interesting discovery: my attitude toward food has changed. It was not so firmly rooted in the attachment/aversion type of feelings, but rather it was closer to equanimity in approaching the choices on a more utilitarian basis. Nevertheless, I cannot claim to have attained perfect equanimity.

Preparing for Ordination – The Hard Work of Poverty

2009-11-05T20:12:00.001-05:00

For the past five weeks since my pension got messed up, I have been living on pitifully little money and my financial affairs have been in the hands of others. It is perhaps very good that I have been prepared by growing up poor. It was a great education for making a very little money go a long way. We may not have had many of our wants, but we always had our needs. Furthermore, we always seemed to be able to share our little with those who had even less.

Over these weeks I have turned to food banks for groceries, to my sister and friends to meet the bills that could not be avoided, and to my Buddhist faith to keep from just running out in the street screaming. The resolution of the basic problem with my pension was in the hands of the clerks in the VA bureaucracy in whom I had little confidence because that was where it got messed up in the first place. I had to enlist the aid of others to help me with them. However, in the bureaucracy there was the bright spot of a clerk who not only did what he said he would do, but also seemed to have real compassion for my situation.

As this episode draws to a close I reflect that it may have been a good preparation for my life as a monk to which I still aspire. I am hoping that I may be ordained before my next birthday anniversary. At the time of my ordination I shall be given the exact precepts that I must observe and the specific interpretation and application of them. While a Buddhist monk traditionally is prohibited from handling gold, silver, and gems, in other words money, in the West a relaxing of these particular precepts has sometimes been necessary. We do not have a culture that provides for monks making “alms rounds,” nor an established foundation of contributions to support monasticism in general, leaving some monastics with no choice but to have some kind of secular employment.

Because recent events are not typical of the years since my VA disability claim was approved, I am most fortunate that it provides a basic subsistence income to meet my needs. With the frugality of life as a monk, this can provide most generously not only for me personally but also for the support of Dharma activities. Of course, this does not mean that I would not need to be sponsored for some of the more expensive of these, especially where travel is involved. However, I should be able to devote myself to the Dharma leaving financial matters in the hands of a trustee who will let me know what I can and cannot afford.

These weeks have provided practice in living this way. Furthermore, the degree of stress that I experienced reveals the extent and depth of my attachment to control in my life. Moreover, any attraction to or aversion from certain tastes, sights and smells of foods reveals the spiritual growth that I have not yet attained, but have ahead of me.

It is rather like the military practice of “exercises,” during which each member of the unit hones his or her skills. From the experience they all grow more confident and comfortable with their skills. In much the same way I can take these experiences to grow more comfortable living according to the samayas. Of course I am not proficient in this yet, but I am confident that I can get better at it. Furthermore, I don't have to become perfect in this or anything else before being ordained. Instead I must be firm in my intention and clear in my goal to follow this path all the way. This I must do not only for the benefit of myself but also for the benefit of all human beings

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 66 – An Addendum

2009-11-03T13:24:00.001-05:00

Thursday, I was pleasantly surprised around 5 PM by a call from the VA clerk with whom I had talked on Tuesday. He apologized for not calling on Wednesday afternoon, because he had not been around a phone at the time. He informed me that the lifting of the suspension of my pension payments was awaiting approval by the appropriate authority. This was the same information that the county veterans service officer had found out for me earlier that day. However, it was most refreshing to have someone in the bureaucracy who actually did what they said they would do and even demonstrated compassion!

I am also most grateful that it still seems that Dr. P. K's “spot welding” is holding. There has only been slight leakage, but no more of the significant bleeding that I had been experiencing. The discomfort and bowel urgency is an expected consequence of the work that was done, but it should diminish as the sites heal. At least it is no worse than a really bad case of inflamed hemorrhoids although it doesn't respond to hemorrhoid medications. A high fiber diet and psyllium fiber laxatives seem to be of the greatest benefit right now. Also, following the advice of an herbalist, I am adding fenugreek sprouts to my diet for their beneficial effects on the digestive system, hoping that they may aid with the healing needed.

Unfortunately, with everything going on, I have fallen behind in my school work, but I think that I should be able to get caught up easily now that I can expect my recovery to resume. At least, without any money I don't have that many distracting activities on my social calendar ;-)

In my present financial circumstance I have to accept the food I have available and ignore most of my food preferences. The only option that I continue to consistently exercise is that I still maintain my commitment to being vegetarian, because it is not just a food preference, but rather the application of my samaya to not kill any sentient being. However, with regard to attachment to food and attachment to certain tastes and aversion to others, I am a long way from the ideal set forth in the food offering prayer, “By seeing the food as medicine, I will partake of it without attachment or aversion. It shall not serve to increase my pride, arrogance or strength, but will only maintain my body.” Nevertheless, I am getting an opportunity to work on it right now.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 66 – Here We Go Again... Again...Yet Again

2009-10-29T02:25:00.001-04:00

For the second time a doctor has cauterized lesions from radiation colitis, treatment of the aftereffects of the treatment of my prostate cancer. A chain of cause and effect and effect and effect. Every cause has an effect and each effect can become the cause of another effect. In just this way, the radiation treatment had the desired effect of shrinking the prostate tumor and the unintended effect of damaging the tissues of my colon. That in turn had the effect of producing the colitis lesions which eventually started bleeding. The treatment of these lesions, while it has had the unintended effect of causing a certain level of discomfort, will hopefully have the desired effect of ending the bleeding with which I have been dealing for all these months.

For the second time, I've tried to get things straightened out for my pension without the desired effect. I had thought that with this latest contact I had found a clerk who not only conducted himself competently but also with great compassion. I had even intended to give his name to the congressman's aide in order to have him commended for his work. However, he failed to call me as he had promised. Nevertheless, Thursday, I shall seek local assistance with my circumstances from the county's veterans service officer and aging services staff. Hopefully, they will help with both the VA difficulties and the financial crisis. Furthermore, I still intend to talk to Congressman Gus Bilirakis' aide within a few days to have him look into the whole matter of the suspension of my pension, particularly why my first call straightening out the address was not sufficient to lift the suspension. While Gus is on the House Committee on Veterans' Affairs, his father had chaired that same committee. I know his dad was very active and effective in working for veterans, but I know nothing about Gus' activities. While I doubt that his influence is as great as Mike's was, I will give him the opportunity. His dad did so much for veterans that the Spinal Cord Injury unit at James A Haley Veterans Hospital was named for him.

Fully understanding that all of this will take time to work out, I realize that I need patience while they proceed. Perhaps this is good practice for me, because I have the aspiration of being a monk. Once I am ordained I might be prohibited from having anything to do with financial affairs, depending instead on a trustee to handle them. While I am accustomed to managing my money myself although not perfectly, such dependence could prove difficult. Furthermore, I had thought that my VA pension income was reliable. I should have understood that nothing is really that reliable and everything changes, no matter how much we may think otherwise. Although as a Christian monastic I practiced “Evangelical poverty,” having made that vow, since I renounced those vows, I am now a little out of practice. This may be part of the practice I shall need to prepare for my new life as a Tibetan Buddhist monk.

Since, because of both my broken truck and my absolute lack of money, I cannot go to FPG Samhain in November, that may be an appropriate weekend to hold a yard sale. At least we could convert some of the things that we have and no longer need into the money for necessities, more of my “liquidating my own estate.” Likewise, we shall continue to go to the food pantry at the local Catholic parish until we get past the current difficulties or we reach our limit of 13 visits this year. We still have things that we can do to continue to survive this. At least I can look forward to the day that this will be resolved and my pension will come, but there are others right now who have much more bleak prospects in the current economy. I need to resume my Yellow Dzambala water offerings for their benefit.

Another thing that involves repetition is that I have to complete and resubmit last week's homework assignment for my Dharmakirti College course. With everything going on I had fallen behind in my studies. Fortunately, I am being given the opportunity to make it up, because the goal of these courses is that we learn what we need and not that we compete for some position or rank. The material covered in last week's lessons is of particular importance to me as a Tibetan Buddhist, “ Tantra,” covering its history and fundamentals. This week may be an even more important subject for everyone's benefit, “Death and Dying in Tibetan Buddhism,” because death is something that none of us can avoid. Nevertheless, if we prepare properly for our own deaths, we may find in its changes provide one of the best opportunities for enlightenment. At the very least, it seems most foolish to arrive at such a momentous event in our experience totally unprepared. Personally, I am sure that this must be my special field of study not only for my own benefit but also for the benefit of others.

I have begun to think that if my recovery from my radiation treatments progresses I should try to make a retreat between terms in my Dharmakirti College courses. I am not sure where or how I may do this. Since the term ends December 11 ^th, I cannot conceive of going either to Boston or to Arizona, but would need to find a way to make my retreat in a warmer climate. From December 9 ^th through December 13 ^th Wat Florida Dhammaram in Kissimmee, Florida, has a meditation retreat. Another option that I may try to set up is something like the “retreat at home” program that Sogyal Rinpoche's Rigpa organization has. In this form I would isolate myself at home, giving my sister the responsibility as my trustee to handle practical affairs, and I would stay in contact with my Lama by telephone or Internet. A third option would be for me to similarly stay at a duplex belonging to a friend, with my sister as my trustee and likewise staying in contact with my Lama by telephone or Internet. Whichever way I do this, the important thing is that this would be my first more or less formal retreat.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 66 – Here We Go Again... Again

2009-10-27T21:16:00.001-04:00

As I've written previously, my VA pension has gotten messed up. Although I had informed everyone that I needed to notify of my change of address years ago, somehow the VA did not have my correct address. After I contacted the appropriate office to straighten this out, I was assured that everything was fixed and that a supervisor would contact me as I requested. I had asked for a supervisor, because I needed to know when I would get my pension to tell those from whom I could borrow enough to cover the most essential expenses when they could expect repayment. Since I never heard from that supervisor, in the intervening weeks I tried again to call the same office to find out what was happening. Unfortunately, their phone lines stay very busy, to the extent that usually I don't even get put on hold but rather get a busy signal the first few times I try. Once I do get connected to their phone system, I spend such a long time on hold that I often lose my cellphone signal before I get through to a person.

Tuesday I got a strange letter from the VA “Regional Office and Insurance Center” in Philadelphia. When I tried to phone the toll-free number in the letter for some explanation of its contents, I couldn't find my way through the maze of their automated telephone routing system. However, one of the automated information sources gave me a strange answer which necessitated a call to the same office that I called at the first of the month. Amazingly, probably because I was calling within an about an hour of their closing time, I actually got through to a human being in record time. Nevertheless, when the clerk looked up my information on his computer, although he could see the entries from my call at the first of the month, inexplicably the suspension of my pension payments had not been lifted. He then informed me that there was nothing that could be done at this point in the month to enable me to get any money before a vague “some time in November.” At least I have an assurance of a call from this clerk Wednesday afternoon with more information. Although the sedative used in the colonoscopy is given with the warning to not conduct business for 24 hours afterward, this is unavoidable.

During all of these dealings on the phone I started to have a real problem controlling my anger. Throughout all of this, starting with the original change of address, I have done what I was supposed to do, but government employees were not doing what they were supposed to be doing! Furthermore, this not only affects my financial situation but also my sister's as well, because she has delayed paying some of her bills to help me. She should not have to face hardship from trying to help me! I am resolved that I will contact the county veterans service officer and their aging services personnel on Thursday to seek both temporary assistance meeting current needs and to help with my dealings with these VA offices. Furthermore, I shall be discussing the whole matter with our Congressman's staffers as soon as possible. For that discussion I am also inclined to see that I get the name of latest clerk who is helping in order to commend him for his assistance and genuine concern. It seems that one individual is powerless when confronting any government bureaucracy! Someone with power is needed!

I realize that a factor in my difficulty in avoiding anger is the stress of the colonoscopy preparations. I can have no food to eat for the day and the medicines prescribed create a state of induced diarrhea which is far from pleasant. No matter how necessary, it is difficult! At least I have had the benefit of Chenrezig, Tara and Achi Chokyi Drolma mantra recitations to keep me from totally “losing it” and running outside screaming that the top of my lungs! It is also hard to keep from facing depression over this, because I may be unable to avoid overdraft charges.

This week's topic in my Dharmakirti College course, “Death and Dying in Tibetan Buddhism,” is a good one to restore perspective to any situation. I have again survived, this time from prostate cancer. I have no idea how long or short a time I may have before I die, but I can't afford to waste it. “The Four Ways of Turning the Mind” tell me, “(1)Oh! This kind of leisure and endowment is supremely difficult to obtain. When we obtain this body, which is easily lost, do not waste it meaninglessly but rather use it to attain the ultimate liberation, joyous result. (2) The nature of all phenomena is impermanence; death is a certainty for all who are born. Death can descend anytime like a drop of morning dew on a blade of grass. Quick! It is time to make effort for the essence of the Dharma. (3) The fruit of one's positive karma is happiness; suffering is the fruit of negative karma. The inexorable karmic causation is the mode of abiding of all dharmas. Henceforth practice the dharma by distinguishing between what should be practiced and what should be given up. (4) In the three lower realms and even in the three higher ones there is not an instance of absolute happiness. I will avoid the root cause of my samsaric existence and practice the excellent path of peace to Enlightenment. ”

From this I may see that I must give up the “three poisons,” anger, attachment and ignorance. In this case I cannot afford to harbor any ill will toward any of the clerks involved in this situation. If my mindstream is poisoned by anger, it cannot be moistened by compassion and bodhicitta to which I am committed. Although I had been hoping to attend a Halloween Party with friends and also the wedding of a friend there as well as hoping to attend Florida Pagan Gathering next week which would have allowed me to “play with fire” both as fire tender for a sweat lodge and doing an “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony” which would also have provided opportunities to share the Dharma, I cannot afford to be so attached to my plans and the outcome of my intentions that such attachment also poisons my mind. Furthermore, I cannot afford to let any upset from these or any other circumstances disrupt my study and meditation, allowing ignorance to dominate when I should be developing wisdom instead.

Sometimes I am troubled that because of both financial and physical limitations I couldn't get to any of the Dharma activities of my Dharma Center or any of the teachings nearby this month. Furthermore, I miss the opportunities to share practice with friends. Nevertheless, I still have the learning opportunities with my online course from Dharmakirti College as well as my simple shrine where I may both meditate and do deity practices. Indeed these considerations should help motivate me to not become lax in either of these areas as I believe I was in danger of doing. Last week's homework questions did not get uploaded on time and they were not as fully answered as they should have been. Furthermore, today, as has too often been the case lately, I failed to do my daily offerings or any sadhana practice. Nevertheless, before I sleep, I can still do at least the short Vajrasattva practice and resolve to try to do better in the future.

Just as the impermanence of all things guarantees that all situations will change, it also guarantees that I have the opportunity to change as well. With mindfulness and proper motivation it can be a change for the better.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 66 – Here We Go Again

2009-10-26T22:25:00.001-04:00

Almost three weeks ago I had a colonoscopy which found that I have “moderate to severe radiation colitis.” Fortunately the lab report on the tiny polyp they removed indicated that it was benign. At least there isn't another form of cancer with which I may have to cope, especially since it appears that the radiation treatments seem to have worked very effectively. While the doctor was using the “scope,” he used an electric probe to cauterize some of the lesions from the colitis. Expecting this to significantly reduce the bleeding that I had been experiencing, I was scheduled for a flexible sigmoidoscopy in a few months.

However, following the colonoscopy, I continued to have rectal bleeding, some days very little and others at least a few ounces at a time. I even had a few days that were free of bleeding. Nevertheless, when I phoned the GI Procedures Clinic, the doctor rescheduled my sigmoidoscopy as a colonoscopy just a few days from now. Yesterday, I started the very first stage of the preparation, “low residue diet.” Tonight, I moved on to the clear liquid diet and took the first laxative pills. Although this is a rigorous preparation, I have been through it so recently that it is familiar.

As I wrote before, somehow when I submitted a change of mailing address to the VA years ago it never got entered into their regional office or national computer system although it was properly changed at the VA hospital where I get treatment. As a result of this, when an item of mail was returned because it had been addressed to the old address, they took action to stop the direct deposit of my VA pension. Unfortunately although I was able to get the error corrected on the telephone, they could give me no idea how long I would have to wait for the replacement check or electronic deposit. Furthermore, nothing has arrived yet, leaving me without funds of my own and dependent on the charity of others. Although I am not suffering from wounded pride, I am concerned that my sister could not easily afford to loan me what she did without getting repaid soon. I have to call the same office that I did before in order to find out when I will get any of my pension.

At least I have food to eat, because I have been going to the food bank of the local Catholic parish each week. With this I have been getting my necessities, even toilet paper a couple of times. I trade the canned meat to my sister for cheese or beans from her package. Since we grew up poor, our current poverty is nothing new or alarming because we learned how to stretch our resources. We can just practice the same frugality that we knew when we were younger.

So many things in our lives run in cycles, little circles within the greater circle of our samsaric existence. Therefore such things should not be a great concern to us, but merely familiar things with which to deal. Furthermore, we have tools to use, not only worldly tools based on our life experiences but also spiritual tools from the Dharma. While we encounter diverse difficult circumstances in our lives, we have the choice of whether they may be turned into something of spiritual benefit for ourselves and others or merely wasted.

As I move forward toward physical recovery from the radiation therapy and cope with my financial situation, my attitude determines whether it serves to purify negative karma or build up still more negative karma. Furthermore, the extent to which I am able to actively practice the Dharma gives others hope that it may be applied in their lives with equal or greater effectiveness. Moreover, I am nothing special, merely the result of certain causes under certain conditions, just a matter of cause and effect. Anything that I do that may be commendable is nothing more than a further effect of those causes and conditions except that I get to make the choice of how I will act, thereby increasing or decreasing my karmic debt which must be resolved either in this present lifetime or in some future rebirth.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 65 – Sixtieth Birth Day Anniversary

2009-10-14T14:35:00.001-04:00

Recently a friend pointed out that we only have one birth day, although we celebrate its anniversary every year. As a Tibetan Buddhist, I would say that I have had multiple birth days, but only one for each rebirth. However, I also have memories of lifetimes that I know I did not reach the age to celebrate a sixtieth Birth Day anniversary, but rather died much younger.

As I have written previously, there are numerous reasons that I should not have reached my present age whether it was the congenital defect that caused me to collapse as an infant or the multiple traumatic injuries of my motor vehicle accident in 1983. Nevertheless, I have survived them all and have grown into someone who is of benefit to others. However, I don't believe that it is the result of the decision of some distant deity that I “still have work to do,” but rather that it is merely my karma that I continue to have the time in which I may do good or bad. Furthermore, it is my choice how to spend whatever time I may live. I could devote it to getting and spending, totally absorbed in my own wants and desires. Or I could devote it to study of the Dharma, finding ways to put it into practice daily in service to others. I much prefer the latter, because it is truly the path to genuine happiness.

I had hoped that I would have been ordained as a Tibetan Buddhist novice monk or getsul before this date. However, that was not to happen. Nevertheless, I reasonably expect that I might be ordained before I celebrate another Birth Day Anniversary although nothing is certain in this life. Thereafter, I wonder whether I would celebrate any more such anniversaries or might I celebrate the anniversaries of my ordination as I did when I was Christian clergy. As I was taught then, the ordination was more significant than my birth. At least it is significant enough that a new name is given, seemingly denoting a new life.

I have received a lot of birthday greetings, a few by mail such as the one from the law firm that handled probate for my mother's estate, but most by email or on social networking sites. Some of the people sending the greetings a strictly cyber-friends with whom I have had discussions online or who regularly read my blogs. Nevertheless, it is good to be thought well thought of and valued.

While I have received few gifts, my sister took me out to eat at “Golden Corral.” They have a birthday deal, but we found out that it is only for the dinner buffet and not the lunch buffet. Although they are really a steakhouse, there is still a lot on the buffet for me as a vegetarian. My sister and I did have a little GI discomfort, probably from their deviled eggs, since she and I had them but our friend Alice didn't. Nevertheless, it was a pleasant meal topped off with coconut cream pie and coffee.

My body sort of gave me a birthday present in that I had no bleeding that entire day. Furthermore, the bleeding has been negligible since then. Perhaps I am now getting the relief that I had sought from the work done during the colonoscopy. In any case, I shall be grateful for the relief and watch out for any further bleeding that may occur.

This is a time to reflect on the impermanence of all things, because we cannot stop ourselves getting older. Furthermore, our bodies are subject to breaking down from wear and tear no matter how hard we may try to live a healthy lifestyle. The healthier we may live may reduce the severity of the losses due to aging or slow the rate at which such changes develop. However, most still develop like gray hair and wrinkles. As a culture we spend a great deal of time and vast resources to uselessly fight the effects of aging, while we seem to give little attention to preparing for our own death. Indeed many go to great effort to avoid facing their own mortality despite its certainty.

I recently got the practice text for Phowa practice. Since I have received the transmission for it, I shall begin to add it to my personal practice. Furthermore, I shall continue to look for an opportunity to receive teachings and related empowerments for it. This is something that I can do to benefit not only myself in preparing for my own death whenever that may come, but also others by helping them with their transitions at the time of their deaths. Since death is inevitable for all of us, this is preparation that we all need. Furthermore, it can turn that difficult time into the greatest opportunity for enlightenment that an individual may have.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 64, part 3 - Disappointment

2009-10-12T15:26:00.001-04:00

On the weekend after the colonoscopy, I wound up camping out at a pagan festival called “Harvest Rhythm” at All World Acres near Plant City. Since my sister and I are sharing the same van and she is not a “night owl” like I am, it only made sense that I would set up a tent even though my house is such a short distance away. On Friday, I had trouble having sufficient energy and stamina to help her get both her book selling booth and my own camp set up. However, I did manage to do this and took a “power nap” because I was looking forward to a Native American type sweat lodge for which I would tend the fire, albeit with help. As it turned out, the water pourer decided that there would be far too little interest in the lodge considering the unseasonably hot day we were having. Instead he led a pipe ceremony which was something in which I had never participated other than within the Cherokee tradition.

During the afternoon and evening it seemed that fewer people were arriving than in previous years. Perhaps the economic difficulties that so many people are experiencing may be keeping them away despite the fact that the fees for this event are low enough that it is a very inexpensive family outing. Furthermore, there are so few places for Pagan to go to freely worship according to their own traditions.

Considering the cauterizing that was done during my colonoscopy, I was most pleased that there was no bleeding during that whole day, Friday. I had a lot to get done which would have made any bleeding a real nuisance, at best. However, in the predawn hours of Saturday morning I awoke and felt the need to hurry to the bathhouse only to discover that I had bled into my undershorts. Thankfully, I had not bled through into my pants. As I started to write this I was wearing an incontinence pad the wrong way around to catch any future bleeding. Nevertheless, I am most grateful for the break that I had from the bleeding and still can hope that it still will be less in the future than it has been in the past.

When I reflect on the disappointment that I felt when I saw the blood that morning, I realize that it results from another form of attachment. We usually think of attachment only in terms of attachment to people or things, but not in terms of attachment to concepts. Nevertheless, I had formed the concept of an expectation of things continuing as they had been on Friday. However, we know that all things change and nothing is constant. Therefore, I may hope that there won't be any more bleeding after the work done during my colonoscopy, but I should not form an attachment to that particular outcome. Rather, I should keep myself open to whatever actually happens and adapt to the circumstances that I encounter.

As it has actually developed, there has been sufficient bleeding that I should call the GI Procedures Clinic on their next business day, Tuesday. While I don't believe that it is enough to warrant a trip to the ER, I believe that I should contact the clinic to move up the appointment for my sigmoidoscopy. I believe that the remaining areas that needed to be cauterized should be treated sooner rather than later. The healing of the sites might tax my system, but I doubt that it would be much worse than coping with the continued bleeding. In fact, I believe that this is necessary for me to fully recover from the radiation treatments that I underwent in December and January. In any case, I adjust to what is and adapt to my actual circumstances as best I can.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 64, part 2 – Preparing for … and Finishing

2009-10-09T03:43:00.001-04:00

Thursday I finally had my colonoscopy but with mixed results. Fortunately, thanks to good preparations, the doctor was able to see everything clearly and found only one small polyp which he removed. While it still has to go to the pathology lab for testing, it is unlikely that one small polyp in an otherwise polyp-free colon would be malignant. I have to admit that after the IV doses of Versed and Fentanyl I was in a peaceful state of mind, quite calm. As a result of that, I enjoyed watching the inside of my own colon on the monitor, kind of an odd experience.

On the other hand the doctor reported finding “moderately severe radiation colitis,” the source of my bleeding, which he treated with an electric probe. In other words, he cauterized the lesions. It was rather strange watching the doctor's work in the monitor. Unfortunately, he said that it would not be good to treat them all at once. Therefore, I have been scheduled for a “flexible sigmoidoscopy” in a couple of months to treat the rest of them. At least, the preparation for that won't be as rigorous only requiring a couple of enemas, just cleaning enough of the colon to do the work.

After leaving the hospital, I must admit that going to “Denny's” for their “Senior Omelet” was particularly enjoyable. Even the coffee was especially good, although I am sure it was just a very ordinary blend and roast. Not having anything substantial to eat for three days, one of those with clear liquids only, definitely sharpens both the appetite and the palate. I might have thought that I have little attachment to food, but I have to admit that I have a weight problem. While I don't approach food as a gourmet might, with great attachment to each flavor, color, or texture, I am, nevertheless, attached to it far too much. I am a long way from the attitude expressed in the third verse of “Food Offering Prayers” from our prayer book, “By seeing the food as medicine, I will partake of it without attachment or aversion. It shall not serve to increase my pride, arrogance or strength, but will only maintain my body.”

If that were actually my relationship to food, I should not have such difficulty losing weight. In fact, with such an attitude toward food, I wouldn't have the weight problem in the beginning. I have not had such difficulty with “ fashions” either with regard to clothing or hair styles, but both poverty and Christian monasticism helped me avoid that attachment. Nevertheless, freedom from certain attachments does not translate to freedom from them all although it does help, both in giving one a taste of what that freedom might be and in providing a model of the way to be rid of the attachments.

We are most fortunate to have the whole path of Vajrayana to guide us from our deluded ordinary existence to enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. We have the great examples of those who have gone before us like Milarepa whose life shows that not only is the path open to ordinary people but also that enlightenment may be attained within one lifetime no matter how far from the path one may have started.

Karmic seeds that I planted in a previous lifetime have borne fruit in the various medical problems and close brushes with death in this lifetime. Nevertheless, the Dharma gives me the means to turn the mere purifying of this negative Karma into something that benefits other beings. Whether this is through sharing this walk with them or instead is through visiting the sick and dying and providing them the benefits of the Dharma and the life that I have lived, it can serve them toward enlightenment or at least a good rebirth.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 64 – Preparing for ….

2009-10-05T11:29:00.001-04:00

Throughout our lives we spend various periods of time and various amounts of our attention and various proportions of our daily activities in preparation for things that are important in our life. However, how much is devoted to such preparation is not always proportional to the ultimate importance of that for which we are preparing.

Right now, the first three days of this week are to be devoted to a progressively greater degree to preparation for a colonoscopy on Thursday morning. It is amazing how much such preparations require. First, I only have to start a “ low-residue” diet for Monday and part of Tuesday which really only means that I give up the healthy high fiber diet to which I am accustomed, switching to white bread and white rice and such things. However, this is followed by a large dose of laxatives and a switch to a “clear liquid” diet which will make greater demands on my time and attention, because it will effectively induce something like diarrhea. I will need to spend Tuesday night and all of Wednesday close to the bathroom and very attentive to maintaining good hydration.

I have been assured by those who have had a colonoscopy more recently than my last one that this will be the worst part of the entire process. The actual procedure is supposed to be little more than a minor inconvenience after such a rigorous preparation. Furthermore, viewed from the perspective of an entire lifetime, this is a truly minor episode. Nevertheless, it has a demanding preparation.

When we look at how much more significant an event our death would seem to be out of all the events of a lifetime, why do we do so little to prepare for it? Furthermore, this is not because we have no means to make such preparations, but more likely we avoid them because we prefer to not think about our own mortality. We act as though we shall live forever. This despite all the evidence to the contrary. Have you met anyone who has managed to live into their second or third century of life? Have you met anyone who has had neither an injury nor an illness ever? We have instead seen family, friends and complete strangers fall ill and slowly die or suffer some sort of accident or sudden heart attack and die without warning. Either way they all died. Many of us have had close brushes with death whether an accident that we survive or a serious illness or injury from which we recover.

Despite our denial, we really know that we shall not escape death. Nevertheless, we give little thought to how we may prepare for it. If we ever do, we are likely to make some kind of beginning at a spiritual life. I have had so many potentially fatal experiences from which I have survived. In spite of all of them, I have only recently found out about the kind of preparations that we may make for our own deaths, preparations that can turn it from an end to a beginning. I am not talking about something that promises a life in some kind of paradise, but rather something that promises to open the possibility of enlightenment in the midst that very experience of death.

We in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, particularly in the Drikung Kagyu lineage have a practice called “ Phowa” which offers the opportunity to enable the practitioner to help others pass through the stages of death peacefully and even utilize them to attain enlightenment. Having had such experiences of close calls with death and extensive of medical care and survival accompanied by some more of less rigorous recovery process, I have been able to help others at times when they were hospitalized or faced medical challenges. Therefore, I desire to learn this “Phowa” practice to help others as well as prepare myself for that occasion when I do not survive some injury or illness.

Even without such special training we may still make preparations by striving to practice virtue rather than nonvirtue, thereby avoiding the great Karmic debt that might have us born in some realm other than the human one. Furthermore, we may strive through such practices as Vajrasattva practice to cleanse any negative Karma that we have accumulated. Most importantly we may try to cultivate bodhicitta and compassion in order to benefit all sentient beings which brings us closer to Buddhahood by which we may benefit them the most. That is indeed the most important hing for which we may make preparations!!

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 63 – “Every Day is a Bonus”

2009-10-01T23:39:00.001-04:00

A few days ago a friend who is also a cancer survivor and went through a much more rigorous course of treatment from surgery through chemotherapy said that she now sees every day as a bonus. She is also one of the people who can fully appreciate why I see monasticism as the best use of the remainder of my life. She just became a Tibetan Buddhist nun back in the spring this year. By no means is Ani-la's health perfect now that she has survived cancer and recovered from the treatments any more than it was before them. Whether it is her arthritis or her diabetes or anything else, she copes with it partly because of this awareness of the preciousness of her continued life.

When I reflect on my own life, I also see every day as a bonus. Every day after I survived the episodes when, as an infant, I would collapse, almost lifeless, is a bonus. Every day after I survived through my teens despite restricted blood flow to many of my vital organs as they grew and developed is a bonus. Every day after I survived the incident in 1973 about which I have no memory which left me with a compression fracture of a vertebra but could have been a fatal spinal injury is a bonus. Every day after I survived a major motor vehicle accident in 1983 in which I totaled a VW van and broke a lot of my bones is a bonus. Every day after I survived a traumatic tear of the aorta from that same motor vehicle accident is a bonus. Every day after I survived prostate cancer that was rated as moderately aggressive, but not too advanced which was treated by beam radiation less than a year ago is a bonus.

This, of course, does not mean that these times that I survived were without their difficulties or consequences. The episodes from my infancy resulted in my having frequent exposure to the health care system from such an early age. The issue of the blood supply to my developing organs and lower extremities left me with “diabetes controlled by diet” but not “ Type 1 diabetes” as well as a lack of success in sports when it involved a lot of running. The fracture in 1973 left me with osteoarthritis in my back. The injuries from the motor vehicle accident in 1983 left me with more arthritis in more places as well as an aortic arch with turbulence from scar tissue that now produces micro-clots which have caused a few “mini-strokes” or “ TIAs”. This has also given me both the most profound sense of my own mortality and the deepest confidence in the possibility of surviving almost anything. My cancer and its treatment have left me with really annoying aftereffects of the radiation and the most profound awareness of my own mortality and the value of each day that I continue to live.

I have absolutely no idea how many days, months or years I may yet live, but I know that I must use them to the greatest benefit not only for myself but also for all sentient beings. Although I have received other empowerments and may receive still more in the future, I believe that the foundation of my personal practice must be Medicine Buddha saddhana practice. Furthermore, I also believe that to best make my experiences benefit others, I need training in Tonglen and Phowa practices. By the former I may benefit the sick and the suffering to perhaps share their load as well as grow in compassion and bodhicitta. By the latter I may benefit the dying in their transition and perhaps even prepare better for the time that I don't survive something, because I know that death is inevitable.

Of course, this also gives me a different perspective on the incidents in daily life no matter how big they seem to be. For example, somehow when I submitted a change of mailing address to the VA years ago it never got entered into their regional office or national computer system although it was properly changed at the VA hospital where I get treatment. As a result of this, when an item of mail was returned because it had been addressed to the old address, they took action that caused my VA pension to not be sent to my bank this month. This is at least a bit annoying, because, as a modern guy, I have some of my bills set up on electronic funds transfer or automatic payment by debit card.

Although I was able to get the error corrected on the telephone, they could give me no idea how long I would have to wait for the replacement check or electronic deposit. Nevertheless, I can manage both by borrowing just enough to cover expenses that cannot be delayed like the water bill and the car insurance and by going to the food bank to get groceries. In fact, I already went to the food bank and receivved what they consider a one month supply of food for one person. Since I am fully vegetarian and my sister is not quite, I will trade the meat items to her for vegetarian items to take their place. This Sunday, my Dharma center will be closed which gives me the opportunity to visit the local Thai temple where I am sure that I will get both spiritual benefit and an excellent lunch.

This is just the stuff that happens in life. Whether it is this or leaving my bundle of practice texts at a friend's office where we did practice together, we need to adjust circumstances as we find them and do what is needed and find the tools to keep from being overwhelmed by our afflictive emotions. Fortunately, I have copies of what I need for my daily practice and can either go back to pick up the bundle or have it mailed to me. The mail might be the necessary route both because I don't have money to travel far and because I will have my colonoscopy scheduled next week. Having just watched part 1 the life of Milarepa on DVD, I can't help but think of how much more difficult his path to enlightenment was than mine might be. At the very least, I must learn from his persistence and perseverance lest I give up too soon to achieve what is possible in this lifetime. I am most fortunate to have a precious human life, powerful life experiences, access to teachers of the Dharma, and vajra brothers and sisters to help me along the path.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 62 – What Does Your Compassion DO?

2009-09-28T01:26:00.002-04:00

I was recently writing about a teaching that took a different course than many, because it provided tools to apply the Dharma in life. On a Buddhist social networking site, in response to one of my blog posts someone explained the 'Kadam insight' which was that Dharma teachings were meant to be PRACTICED not just heard and studied, which is why Sravakas are criticized for being hearers.

When I looked up “kadam,” I found the following reference about Kadampa, “[A]ll the Words (ka) of the Buddha are taken as practical instructions (dam).” During the past year or so, I have been thinking about this matter of living the Dharma, not something theoretical but imminently practical. This is the message I get from my reading, the message that Carmen taught me, the message of Venerable Lama Sonam and Garchen Ripoche. To the extent that I have been able to live the Dharma I have been able to handle everything that has come my way during all these months of the diagnosis of cancer, treatment planning, treatment and now recovery from treatment.

As a result, now I cannot help but think of the same thing with regard to compassion. It is not just a feeling, an emotion, an attitude, although it certainly starts there. However, if it doesn't mature into action, it has a chance to be only illusion or even delusion. We are not talking about the heroic kind of compassion from one of the stories of the Buddha's previous lives in which is is said, “Folklore states that an early incarnation of Buddha was walking in the forest near the present site of Namo Buddha when he came across a mother tiger and her five cubs. The mother was so weak she could not feed her cubs so the man offered his own flesh to her in strips - she slowly ate and was able to feed her cubs and eventually ate the whole man up.”

For us ordinary folk, our acts of compassion are likely to be more modest. Is there a neighbor who is old or disabled? Do you know someone who needs help with transportation? Is there someone who has been out of work and could use a good meal whom you could invite to dinner? There is always so much need and we Americans have so much wealth that we waste!

Be creative, but do so with an understanding, an empathy for the feelings of the one you seek to help. Furthermore, you don't have to just stop with helping fellow human beings, but should extend your compassion to “all mother sentient beings” to which we refer in our prayers. In this, however, we might have to examine ourselves to be sure that we have a genuine feeling of compassion for the animals to whom we show acts of compassion such as liberating them from the danger of death or having them blessed. Remember that the preservation of the habitat of wild animals, no matter how small they are, is also an act of “liberating animals from the danger of death.” In all these things I firmly believe that the proper action without the proper motivation is incomplete just as the proper motivation is incomplete without the proper action.

Possessing a “precious human life,” we have the opportunity to study the Dharma and to practice the Dharma, the opportunity learn to meditate and to advance in meditation, the opportunity to avoid nonvirtue and to practice virtue, and even the opportunity to accumulate merit and to cleanse negative Karma. We shouldn't waste it by seeking those things that do not serve the highest goal which is enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Toward that end, we need to remember that the “stuff” we own is not to be accumulated and hoarded, but rather should only serve our actual needs and be shared for the needs of others. Even as little as I have, I still find opportunities to share with others. When I was growing up, we were very poor. Nonetheless, we shared with others. When someone came up asking for food, I often saw my grandmother go into the kitchen and cook a meal for them and then give them a bag of groceries as well. Nevertheless, we always had enough for our needs if not our wants.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 61 – Sharing the Dharma in Strange Places

2009-09-28T01:24:00.001-04:00

Saturday night, my sister and I attended an event called EARTHDANCE 2009, described as a “Gathering of Global Peace at All World Acres,” as vendors. She sells good used books to supplement her Social Security. Since the plan for the event was that Saturday activities would run from 3 PM until 7 AM Sunday, my sister asked me to help her, because I am more of a “ night owl” than she or our friend Alice are. While they did have the “Global Synchronized Prayer for Peace at 7:00 PM,” my observation of the event as a whole was that for most of its participants it was really a “rave.”

While I would not say that the DJ's were playing my preferred style of music, I did enjoy most of it, more than my sister did. A lot of it was in the “Techno-Trance” category more or less, with which I once experimented creating on the computer for a contest. Although I did not finish my entry in time for the deadline of the contest, I did enjoy learning about the techniques. However, I have to admit that it was hard doing any studying with this type of music being played. Nevertheless, I did object to the suggestion of some in my age group that we were too old to enjoy it.

While I am a great lover of quiet and often play no music at all when I am home, once again I don't fit my age group, this time because I did in fact enjoy most of the music. However, there were some pieces that I actually despised, but that was most often because of the lyrics rather than the music itself. Nevertheless, in many ways neither I nor my sister fit in with this crowd, not an uncommon circumstance for us with regard to popular culture. Furthermore, the state of my arthritis kept me from walking around much, preferring to sit as much as possible.

All this created the perfect situation for others who might not be fully at ease there to gravitate toward our site and spend time talking with us. Whether it was the young man who had found teachings on the mental foundations of “success” but sought something more profoundly spiritual or the young lady who was there out of curiosity but found herself discussing how she had found her Roman Catholic upbringing failing her now and sought through Hinduism and Buddhism something deeper or another young man who had studied the very practical principles of Permaculture in Australia where it originated but was now seeing the deeper aspects of the inadequacy of consumerism as a way of life. In none of these or other conversations that we had that night did we preach or proselytize, but rather we merely talked about our lives and experiences and observations. Of course, some of these come from my particular perspective of having come close to death repeatedly and yet surviving, all within the context of knowing that I have lived multiple previous lifetimes.

As things turned out, this crowd was not really a group of readers, although we did sell enough to cover our expenses and give us gas money for the van. My sister may even have gotten enough out of it to cover a trip to the grocery store, but little more. However, with these conversations, we did stay later than we had planned. Nevertheless, when I observed what I thought might be illegal drug use, we decided that it was time to call it a night and pack up and go home.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 60 – Fear and the Purveyors of Fear

2009-09-24T03:28:00.001-04:00

Over my lifetime I have been acquainted with fear in various forms at various times in various contexts. As a youngster in school I was the target of bullies. Growing up I suffered from a lack of confidence resulting in fear of failure. Furthermore, in my youth I feared rejection whenever I approached the possibility of a relationship with a girl. During the years of my life as a practicing alcoholic, particularly those as a “drunken sailor,” I found myself in seriously frightening circumstances. On several occasions over the course of my life, facing my own mortality has brought on some degree of fear.

When I survived a nearly fatal car wreck in Spring 1983 and recovered from my injuries, I was unaware at the time just how deeply it changed me. There were, in actuality, three distinct brushes with death, first when I first crashed, then when I remained in the vehicle for hours without help, and when two weeks passed without finding the traumatic tear in my aorta. Furthermore, I was even informed by the surgeon that the coarctation of my aorta, which got repaired as an incidental consequence of the surgery to repair the tear, that the defect was severe enough that I should not have grown to adulthood. At the time I did experience great gratitude for my survival, but I did not know that my fear of death had been alleviated.

However, a few years later, I found myself in a situation that revealed just how profoundly the experience had changed me. I was working at a nursing home in the activity department. The job required that I stay late for certain special activities occasionally. One night I left later than usual and wound up unable to take my usual bus that passed within a couple of blocks of home. Instead, I had to get off many blocks away on the edge of Ybor City in a location that was often dangerous. As I walked down Seventh Avenue, I noticed three young men walking together. As I approached them, they separated It was then that I saw the revolver in the hand of the center man. I suddenly realized that I was about to be robbed! Nevertheless, I remained perfectly calm.

As the whole scene unfolded, it took on an almost comic character with the man holding the gun trembling and myself peaceful. I gave them my watch, my personal stereo, and my cash. I only asked that I keep the wallet to avoid having to replace the Driver's License and such. It was so comical that the watch only cost a few dollars because it came out of the junk box at a Radio Shack, just as the personal stereo had. Furthermore, I didn't even have five dollars in cash. While we were completing this “transaction,” I kept talking to them about how I had changed my life with sobriety and their actions would be unnecessary if the got “clean and sober.”

After this mugging was over and the men had left, I realized that I had been uncharacteristically unafraid throughout. It was suddenly clear that I thoroughly understood most profoundly that I need not fear death. Of course this was in the manner of thinking that if the young man had emptied the revolver into me but I was “supposed to” survive, I would survive even though I might have a long and difficult recovery. This confidence has remained with me. In fact, the growth of my Buddhist faith and my certainty that I have been reborn many times before and could continue to be reborn many more times have only increased this lack of fear of death.

Against this backdrop, I have been walking this “Journey Through Cancer” aided by the Dharma, without fear of death. Furthermore, I have tried to benefit all sentient beings by this process.

While both my Primary Care doctor and the Urgent Care doctor are most confident that my present symptoms are the result of Radiation Proctitis, the colonoscopy could turn up something else. Therefore it is most natural that I should examine whether it evokes fear when I consider any potential diagnosis or prognosis. Hence I find that it does not give rise to any fear of dying, but may cause me concern that I might be farther from fully recovering from my cancer and its treatment.

A natural outcome of this is that I go on to look at fears that assail us all in America today and even in modern society around the world. From such an investigation it becomes obvious that certain interests use fear as a tool to increase their power and manipulate the broader population. One example is the previous Presidential administration. After the events of September 11, 2001, they used the fear that it generated and that they fueled with such measures as their Homeland Threat Level System in order to expand Presidential power and threaten our Constitutional rights. While it is obvious that the last election brought about some change, it is not clear that things have been put right, because “preventive detention” seems to be supported by the new administration. Furthermore, they seem to want the “Patriot Act,” which severely infringes our Constitutional rights, to remain in force.

While politics is an obvious arena for the manipulation of people through fear, there are other groups that also use it. For example, big corporations, through their advertising, work on people's insecurities and fears to get them to buy their products. However, probably the ultimate purveyors of fear are some of the religious institutions with their threat, “If you don't do what we say, you are going to hell.” Fortunately, not every religion practices that kind of fear-based control. Nevertheless, much harm has been done through this mode of operating.

However, the use of fear is not restricted to governments and religions. There are industries that profit by it, such as the pharmaceutical and chemical cleaner industries which promote fear of germs to sell their products when most of the germs involved are constantly on our skin or otherwise in our environment without causing any harm as long as our immune systems are functioning properly. Furthermore, they have been busy together with their government allies spreading fear of the H1N1 “ swine flu” virus, predicting huge numbers of people being sickened by it this flu season despite how little evidence there may be to support their claims.

At the same time certain groups are spreading fear of the swine flu vaccine and even vaccines in general despite the fact that the use of vaccines has virtually eliminated diseases like polio and smallpox from the world. Of course, no medicine is without side effects or risks which even applies to “natural” and “herbal” remedies. The use of any treatment always involves a risk/benefit analysis if it is approached honestly.

All of this study of fear has more questions than answers. Even when I find myself feeling some “ twinges” of fear, I have to look for its true cause. Usually that can be found in the “eight worldly dharmas.” Either something interferes with my pursuit of happiness or threatens me with suffering.

Either something interferes with my pursuit of fame or threatens me with insignificance. Either something interferes with my pursuit of praise or threatens me with blame. Either something interferes with my pursuit of gain or threatens me with loss.

I just recently had to do this sort of self-examination, because .when I was driving through the area that had been my ex-wife's “stomping grounds,” I experienced fear. Since, in our last conversation, she threatened to shoot me if she saw me, that would seem like a natural reaction. However, since I really have no fear of death, this fear was puzzling. Nevertheless, the fear was real! When I looked at the “eight worldly dharmas,” I realized that her threat of shooting me threatens me with suffering – and I haven't finished recovering from my cancer treatment yet. Having to survive a shooting would be a real nuisance right now.

Working through this fear not only benefits me, but also benefits all sentient beings by increasing my understanding and compassion. Furthermore, the tool that I used, reciting the Achi Chokyi Drolma mantra, benefits all of us, because, as I have been taught, I took refuge before I started chanting and dedicated any merit to others when I finished. I made it through the area safely and the fear diminished with time and, I believe, the action of the mantra on me.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 59 – Amends Are Needed

2009-09-19T23:40:00.001-04:00

In my depression, I wrote very hurtful words about my sister which wounded her deeply. She has gone so far as to say that she would never go to Katsel Dharma Center again. It is pretty sorry state of affairs when the words of someone who aspires to be a monk and spend his life in service to the Dharma do such a thing!

As I read back over what I wrote, I can see that I overstated the circumstances, speaking from the midst of my depression and the frustration that I feel from the limitations from my recovery from the radiation therapy. Depression has nagged me throughout the whole process of diagnosis, treatment and recovery. Usually, each bout has been of short duration and easily handled.

My sister and I have both been under stress lately. I guess we just got to be on each other's nerves too much. It seems that we can say the most hurtful things to those to whom we are closest. This is just what I have done, never intending to do such a thing.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 59 – Impatience, Frustration and Depression from Aftereffects

2009-09-19T03:46:00.001-04:00

With the periodic recurrence of urinary pain (which the urologist who did a stat cystoscopy exam on me a while back said was actually pain from my prostate) and the continuing rectal bleeding (which both my Primary Care Physician and one of the Urgent Care Physicians agree is most likely radiation proctitis) I am so tired of not being well yet. All my labs so far indicate that the prostate cancer has been well handled by the radiation treatments that were finished seven and a half months ago. Nevertheless, these kinds of symptoms persist and interfere with doing things that I need to do.

While I have enormous gratitude that the most serious condition has been so successfully treated, I am still impatient with my rate of recovery and frustrated by it. I understand that the less precise “simulation” CT scan done without the contrast medium because of my allergy to it resulted in a somewhat less precise targeting of the radiation beams. Consequently, I may have had a little more exposure of healthy tissues to the that same radiation. Of course, these aftereffects that I am experiencing are mostly from the damage to those healthy tissues. While I understand this intellectually, my full acceptance of this lags far behind. Furthermore, unlike the time before treatments started, I don't have any effective plan for coping with these symptoms like I had for preparing for those treatments.

Unfortunately, under the present circumstances, my early recovery after treatments seemed to progress very quickly. Therefore, when I went to Drikung Meditation Center in Boston in June, I had very little in the way of aftereffect symptoms impeding my doing whatever was necessary. However, by the time I got back from that trip, I seemed to not be doing as well as before I went. Therefore, when it turned out that my truck needed work on it to get it running again, I was not as able to handle it especially in the heat of our Florida summer.

Ironically, my vajra brothers and sisters seem to have far more patience and give far more encouragement than my biological sister. She seems to be endlessly berating me for not living up to her expectations. Sometimes I let this get to me so much that I become profoundly depressed to such an extent that I seriously consider walking away from everything and everyone here. My sister expects everyone to make allowances for her limitations from age, infirmity, or chronic illness, but she seems unable to grant others the same consideration. I find it personally particularly when my own inability to get things done here at my house or in connection with the truck arises because I have exhausted myself doing things she needs me to do. In other words, altogether too often my time at home has to be devoted to rest and recovery from exhaustion and my next exhausting project away from home comes along before I can do anything else.

Recently, I was telling my sister that we were both quite fortunate to have reached our present ages. Our medical histories gave us a poor prognosis for even living long enough to grow up. Nevertheless, we have grown to adulthood and lived to become “senior citizens.” However, we have to be realistic about our limitations as we have gotten older and newer health issues have arisen. In that regard, I have no expectation that my sister will be able to help me with things around my house and yard, because it is sometimes too much for her to handle what she needs to do around hers.

I would really like to be able to set to work over the next few days and weeks to put this house in order, repair the truck, remove all the weeds from my yard, and even plant my own garden. Instead, I have to do what I can when I can and give myself the time that my recovery still requires. Furthermore, I cannot neglect my studies for which I have already spent money for books and tuition. Nor can I so focus my attention on these things and neglect spiritual practice.

In surviving this cancer, I have once again survived something that could have ended my life, but it is not just about continuing to live but about doing so in such a way that it is to the benefit of not only myself but also all sentient beings. When fear of death is overcome, what fear can hold power? So many people my age and older live in fear of so many things. I have neither the time nor the energy to give over to any fears. Nevertheless, I am aware that I have a limited time remaining to me in this lifetime in which to do what is truly worthwhile. Although nothing is certain in our lives, before another year passes I can reasonably hope to be ordained. Since we don't have any monasteries in warm climates, I also hope that I can serve in this local area and work toward that time when we can have a monastic residence here under the guidance of our own resident Lama.

Keys of Dharma

2009-09-18T05:38:00.001-04:00

I have heard teachings on the “37 Bodhisattva Practices” several times. However, this week I listened to a somewhat different teaching on this same text. Most take each verse in order and explain it, but this was unique among the teachings. Khenpo Tsultrim Tenzin Rinpoche,of course, began with prayers and commenced the actual teaching with introductory concepts that would clarify the meaning of the text and bring it around to practical application.

He kept on explaining these things, giving us important general principles which illuminate this particular text. However, when I reflected on them, I could see that they are much more widely applicable. These very principles could help us to understand and apply the Dharma. In fact, is not that precisely why we study the Dharma? The most advanced academic knowledge about the Dharma brings us no closer to Enlightenment unless we are putting such knowledge into practice.

Our study of the Precious Dharma needs to be bearing fruit in our progress in the two accumulations and in our not accruing more negative Karma which could cause our rebirth in one of the lower realms. If we do not attain Enlightenment in this lifetime, we need to be reborn as a human being who has “precious human life.” Otherwise we are getting no closer to Buddhahood.

Khenpo-la gave us something most valuable. Not only did he give us the transmission for this text, but he also gave us an excellent set of tools for this and other texts.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 58 – Aspirations, Limitations, and the Dharma - Continued

2009-09-16T03:48:00.001-04:00

As I wrote in “A Protector Protects – Again,” I was on my way to Lakeland Regional Medical Center to leave my contact information with their Pastoral Care office when I had a flat tire and was unable to get there. Just as I discussed in the first part of this “chapter” regarding animal blessings, I could likewise have read into the flat tire something about my service to the sick and dying. However, just as I discussed with a friend Tuesday night, my life experiences have peculiarly prepared me for just such service.

Most fortunately Tuesday afternoon I was able to leave a business card for the chaplains at both Good Shepherd Hospice and Lakeland Regional Medical Center. At the latter, the secretary in the Pastoral Care office seemed happy to receive the information. She said that, although the chaplains on duty were upstairs attending to patients and the head chaplain is on vacation, she expects that after the head chaplain returns from vacation, she and other chaplains will want more information on the help that I can offer them. She further stated that they had already had a need for clergy support for Buddhist patients in the past and expected the same need to arise again.

Therefore, even the limited help that I can currently give will be of value. Whether I am able to give some degree of spiritual help to a patient or I find qualified Buddhist clergy to serve them or I merely act as driver for such clergy, by any of these means I shall have done something worthwhile in service to others. Furthermore, I can seek opportunities to learn more in order to become better able to serve them.

In that regard, I have been searching for the opportunities to receive in depth training in our Phowa practice as well as Tonglen. As far as Phowa training is concerned, it seems that the foremost teacher in this country is His Eminence Choeje Ayang Rinpoche who is teaching 10 level Amitabha Practice at Drikung Meditation Center in Boston just when I am committed to be supporting my own center here in the Tampa area. However, his next Phowa practice trainings are still in the future. Nevertheless, there are still obstacles to attending those teachings at this time.

Of these upcoming trainings, the next is a Phowa Retreat in Olympia, Washington, October 7-15, but I am currently scheduled for my colonoscopy on October 8th and committed to tend fire for a sweat lodge on October 9 ^th, The next after that is the Phowa Training Course that he will be giving in Bodhgaya, India, in January 2010, but the very location could be a very difficult obstacle to overcome because I do not have the means for such a trip or even a passport. Nevertheless, I shall be looking at every training opportunity that arises for the chance to learn this particularly powerful means to help the dying.

Just as my aspiration for monastic ordination must wait for the next opportunity, this aspiration will await the correct time and place for its fulfillment as well. As it is now, I, in my small way, having received just the basic Amitabha empowerment, currently utilize the Amitabha mantra to aid dead and dying animals in the hope that they may have a better rebirth. Whether it is my monastic ordination, my daily practice, my studies, or any empowerment, I must remember that it is for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 58 – Aspirations, Limitations, and the Dharma

2009-09-14T01:35:00.001-04:00

I first heard of Acharya Lama Gursam when I read in the newspaper about a pet blessing that he did in Pinellas County, but I was unable to attend it, naturally, because I read about it after it happened. However, as I have previously written, while I was staying in Boston, I heard that he was doing another blessing at an animal shelter in Jamaica Plain. Therefore, I set out from the center to attend it, but when my hearing aid battery died I turned back, knowing that the environment of such a shelter would be rather noisy and, without my hearing aid, I would be unlikely to hear his quiet voice.

Saturday, I again set out to attend one of Lama Gursam's pet blessings. However, I again had to turn back, this time, because of aftereffects of my radiation treatments. With the bleeding that I have been experiencing, I have to be very conscious of where rest rooms are available when I travel away from home. When I need to get to one, I may not have enough time to reach it before I have an “accident” which is the reason for my “just in case bag.” On this occasion I made my second bathroom break when I reached the Bruce B Downs Blvd exit on I-75. This wasn't even the halfway point on my drive. When I considered how scarce rest rooms would be as I got closer to the park, I realized that I needed to turn back.

As I've written earlier, sometimes when I am involved in Dharma activities, the symptoms will be in abeyance for just enough time to allow for just such activities. However, it does not always work that way. I could give myself a headache trying to second guess something like this. I could even read into it a sign that I am not supposed to have anything to do with animal blessings. However, I know that could not be true, because we need to promote animal blessings and animal liberations. In Western cultures, we have such a heritage from the Abrahamic religions and some aspects of Greek and Roman paganism that we are raised to treat animals as objects rather than sentient beings.

When we do animal blessings and animal releases, we attest to the fact that all of us are related. This is an essential part of the truth that we as Buddhists share with Native American spirituality and Earth-centered religion. Furthermore, this is fundamental to continuing to have human life on this planet. I have to believe that I must play some part in that, whether it is by becoming qualified to do animal blessings or merely encouraging them as well as animal liberations, That is a worthy aspiration for the benefit of all sentient beings.

In such a context, I have to regard my current physical limitation not as an insuperable obstacle, but rather simply as a hurdle to be overcome, just another along this course. There have been others like my alcoholism or my early limited religious perspectives the overcoming of which have provided occasions for spiritual growth. In fact, this seems like yet another aspect of this present “Journey Through Cancer” which is unfolding before me and around me. I am not anything special, merely a phenomenon that results from certain causes under certain conditions. The only thing that is special about me is the same thing that is special about all of us, our underlying buddhanature. Furthermore, I have the same calling we all have, to follow the Dharma to uncover that very buddhanature in Buddhahood for the sake of all sentient beings.

A Protector Protects - Again

2009-09-08T20:35:00.001-04:00

I had planned to drive to Kissimmee this evening, but that trip had been canceled for a variety of reasons. Nevertheless, this afternoon I was doing what I intended to do on my way to Kissimmee, going to the hospitals to leave my contact information with the chaplains. As I had discussed with my lama, although there are many different Buddhist groups in the Tampa Bay area, some of the hospitals may not know who to contact when a Buddhist patient is admitted. Therefore, I could serve as the contact point to find appropriate and qualified Buddhist clergy to provide spiritual care. I had been to Plant City's South Florida Baptist Hospital, but their chaplain is only there in the mornings.

As I was heading to Lakeland Regional Medical Center, chanting Achi Chokyi Drolma's mantra, the steering wheel began jerking from side to side and the front end started thump-thumping. Suddenly, I heard a loud bump on the underside of the van and immediately recognized what was happening: a tire was coming apart. I was fortunate to be going slow on a road with a broad shoulder. I got off the road less than two van-lengths from the first piece of tire that came off. I called AAA and read while I waited and chanted a few more mantras.

Tomorrow I can buy one tire and have the spare put back in its storage place under the van. Maybe between now and the next time I need a spare tire I can replace the "donut" with a full size tire, but, right now, I can be grateful that I did not have a wreck from the tire coming apart at highway speed on I-4 on the way to Kissimmee. Once again, I was spared from an undesirable outcome while chanting the Achi mantra, leading me to attribute it to her protection. Just as my maternal grandmother protected me when I was growing up, our beloved Achi protects Drikungpas who honor her.

The tow truck driver quickly changed the tire and got me on my way. However, I went to my sister's house where I could fill the spare to its specified pressure, because my compressor was at her house. I'll have to go to the hospitals one morning soon to accomplish what I had set out to do.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 57 - Sobriety and the Dharma

2009-09-07T05:48:00.001-04:00

This weekend I celebrated 24 years sobriety. I got sober as a Russian Orthodox monk, but that had not kept me from getting drunk for the preceding two years. Now I am a Tibetan Buddhist Ngakpa and plan to be ordained as a Tibetan Buddhist monk when Khenchen schedules the next batch of ordinations. While this may seem like an inconceivably long spiritual journey or an impossible transformation, it is the one that I have made over the years of my sobriety.

Now looking back over these years, I can see that a guiding principle of AA is also one of the cornerstones of Tibetan Buddhism: service to others. In AA, it is the key to lasting sobriety. In Tibetan Buddhism, Buddhahood is sought “for the benefit of all sentient beings.”

Over the past year, I have found it difficult to maintain anything like a regular schedule of meetings. I had been introduced to one particular meeting which I especially appreciated which was also rather close to my home. This specific meeting was focused on the 11 ^th Step of Alcoholics Anonymous which says, “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” With that as a focus, the meeting begins much like most AA meetings, but the overhead lights are turned off and it becomes a candlelight meeting with a significant difference. A period of time is spent in meditation, albeit not in the Buddhist form, but still similar to Shamata. Only after that does the discussion begin.

This Sunday to celebrate my anniversary of sobriety I went to that particular meeting. I had intended to get to other meetings this weekend before Sunday, specifically a Labor Day weekend “Alcothon.” However, these ongoing after-effects of the radiation interfered with those larger plans. Nevertheless, it was good to get to the meeting I did manage to attend. A special plus was that two people I know were there, a newer friend and an old friend I've known for years.

I have gotten the one red chip that is for me. Now I plan to get to whatever meetings this week that I am able to attend in order to collect red chips for the benefit of others. Years ago my sponsor told me that this was what I was supposed to do. While I am the first beneficiary of my own sobriety, it is nonetheless for the benefit of others as well. Isn't that reminiscent of, “May I attain Buddhahood for the sake of all sentient beings”?

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 56 – Tired of Side Effects

2009-08-24T02:55:00.001-04:00

Every kind of treatment has its side effects which we weigh against the disease for which it is given. Radiation is no exception to this as I have already experienced and about which I have already written. However, right now, after this long with these newest side effects, or more accurately, after effects, I am getting tired of dealing with them. The medications which have been provided for symptomatic relief have been of very limited value. I have about six more weeks before the colonoscopy which will definitively diagnose the problem and may offer a real treatment with cauterization of the lesions.

In any spiritual practice among the most difficult aspects are patience and perseverance. Since this “ Journey” is not just a medical one but also a spiritual one, these same things apply here as well. My stamina is not back to what it was like before the radiation treatments began in December. On top of that the persistence and unpredictability of the bleeding interfere with too many things that need to get done. It takes so little to exceed my current physical limits. It was so frustrating and depressing that I couldn't go to Sunday's Dharma Center activities because I couldn't get that far from the bathroom for that long. Just driving the short distance to my sister's house, I wasn't sure I wouldn't have an “accident” before I got there.

At times like this it is hard to remember the primary importance of spiritual activities and mental attitudes. Illness purifies a lot of negative karma, as I have written before, but it can also be of benefit to others. However, that requires an effort on my part to allow for that to happen. The usual reaction to illness or injury focuses one's attention on matters of personal comfort and self interest. This, of course, is not productive in spiritual endeavors which require more of the Bodhisattva's compassion and selflessness. These may seem easy in theory but are hard things in practice. Nevertheless, they are essential to turn merely karmically inevitable suffering into an occasion of benefit for all sentient beings.

I have to keep reminding myself of these things that have carried me through this “journey” so far. The lessons of the Dharma put into action do work, just as they have for all these centuries. They make the only sense out of all the apparent chaos of life. My own Karma is responsible for the all the medical stuff with which I have been dealing and have yet to deal. If that is as far as it goes, it does take care of so much Karma, but it can be the opportunity for so much more. As I keep walking this walk, I can benefit so many others both by my example and by serving the Dharma.

A powerful tool for me are “The Four Ways of Turning the Mind:”

“(1) Oh! This kind of leisure and endowment is supremely difficult to obtain. When we obtain this body, which is easily lost, do not waste it meaninglessly but rather to attain the ultimate liberation – joyous result.

“(2) The nature of phenomena is impermanence; death is a certainty for all who are born. Death can descend anytime like a drop of morning dew on a blade of grass. Quick! It is the time to make effort for the essence of Dharma.

“(3) The fruit of one's positive karma is happiness; suffering is the fruit of negative karma. The inexorable karmic causation is the mode of all dharmas. Henceforth, practice the Dharma by distinguishing between what should be practiced and what should be given up.

“(4) In the lower three realms and even in the higher ones there is not an instant of absolute happiness. I will avoid the root cause of my samsaric existence and practice the excellent path of peace to Enlightenment.”

I think that pretty well puts everything into perspective! With memories of several previous lifetimes, in only one other lifetime did I find the Dharma, even though I was definitely a “spiritual seeker” in several of them. Bearing in mind all of the reminders of my own mortality, how can I waste what time I have in any other effort than studying and applying the Dharma not only for my own benefit but for the benefit of all sentient beings?

Preparing for Ordination – School Starts Today

2009-08-23T22:45:00.001-04:00

Partly because I am inclined to be a career student and partly because I know that my own studies of Buddhism so far have been neither systematic nor complete and partly because I know that, as a monk, I will be expected to know certain things and may even be expected to teach others, I registered and enrolled in Dharmakirti College's “Course 101 – Survey of Tibetan Buddhism, Part 1.” Today I finished the enrollment process and first looked at the course outline and format. For me it is exciting to be returning to school, even online. I have always been eager to study anything and everything I could. When I enlisted in the Navy, a cousin who had a very successful 30 year career in the Navy, going from Seaman Recruit (E-1) to Lieutenant (O-3), advised me to take every course they would give me, “even basket weaving.” While I didn't wind up making a career of the Navy myself and this is not the US Navy, I think that the advice applies now as well and the more practical the course, the better.

I anticipate learning many new things, filling in the gaps in my study so far. Furthermore, I expect to integrate my current knowledge with itself, with the new knowledge and, most of all, with practice and application. However, this is only the first of the courses that I shall take from Dharmakirti College. I plan to take every course they offer online as far as they go.

Naturally, today was not particularly difficult. I glanced over each week's subject areas and organized my notebook for the course, making dividers out of each week's outline page. I did get a little creative making stickers to cover the printing on the outside of my recycled 3-ring binder. I even printed out the first two items for Week 1, the directions for Shamata meditation and the homework questions that I shall be expected to answer from my readings.

I really look forward to the whole program with courses like: Level 1 - Survey of Tibetan Buddhism I/II , Chenrezig , White Tara ; Level 2 - Natural Liberation I/II /III/IV; Level 3 - Ngondro Parts I/II , Bodhisattva's Way of Life I/II , Buddha Nature ; Level 4 - Generation Stage I/II , 403/404M - Chakrasamvara I/II , 403/404D - Three Roots Parts I/II , Improving Your Practice ; Level 5 - 501/502M - Five-Path Mahamudra I/II , 501/502D - Introduction to Dzogchen I/II , Madhyamaka I/II , Leading Practice ; Level 6 - 601/602M - Vajrayogini I/II , 603/604M - Six Yogas of Naropa I/II , 601/602D - Trekcho I/II , 603/604D - Guided Practice , 605 - Teaching Dharma ; Level 7 - 701/702M - Kalachakra I/II , 701/702D - Togal I/II , Guided Study and Thesis, 799 - Guided Retreat.

That is what I call a real course of study. I may not be able to go to one of the monasteries in India to go through the traditional program for a monk, especially at my age, but I have something here that just might suffice to get me from where I am to where I need to be educationally as a monk. It looks like a beautiful balance between the theoretical and the practical. Furthermore, it appears to be fully in accord with my purpose in becoming a monk: being of maximum service to all sentient beings.