Yesterday, after an appointment at the VA Hospital, I went to Taco Bell for lunch which is fast, easy and cheap. As I usually do, I put one packet of “hot” sauce, not “fire” sauce, on my burrito which was quite enjoyable. I thought little of it, because I had not felt any nausea for almost a week. The nausea that had plagued me through much of my radiation therapy had kept me from eating hot and spicy foods. Now I no longer had that constraint to prevent me from enjoying something so simple.
I also took the gamble of going without incontinence pads or even my “just in case bag.” I made it through the day without any “accidents” or even close calls. I seem to have regained a reasonable amount of urinary control. Not only can I get to the restroom without incident, but I can stop urinating properly. However, I still plan my trips around the availability of clean restrooms. Nevertheless this is a milestone in my recovery.
On the way home I bought bananas and protein powder for my protein shakes for my own personal weight loss program. The store where I bought the powder only had it in chocolate flavor. Although I would usually shy away from chocolate flavored drinks because they are normally disappointing, I decided to give it a try. It turns out that the flavor is so weak and it does not seem to go well with the fruit that I have available. The only way that this is remotely palatable is almost frozen. However, I will try it with each kind of frozen fruit that I am using. before I totally give up on chocolate. Nevertheless, I have already gone to a different store to buy the protein powder in the vanilla flavor that I had already tried. This probably wouldn't matter all that much except that as a weight loss program the shakes that I am using should not be so unpalatable that I would abandon the whole plan because of them. Since I am already six pounds down from my weight at the end of radiation therapy,I want to keep the process going.
Sometime between midnight and 2:00 AM, I experienced the reaction of my gastrointestinal system to the hot sauce in my burrito, diarrhea. This added many unpleasant trips to the bathroom to the few trips I make to urinate during a normal night. The loss of sleep added to the energy draining effects of diarrhea resulted in a day in which I could do little more than sleep. Even though I normally stay up late most nights, tonight I'll make it an early night and not just because I have an early appointment n the morning.
I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot yet maintain the level of activities that I did before treatments began. Whether it is my daily practice, or working around the house or yard, I cannot yet do what I did before. I want to get back to Dharma Center activities. I want to get my truck repairs finished. I want to build my recumbent bicycle. I want to clean up my yard, particularly things that were damaged by freezing weather. I will get these things done eventually, each in its turn as I actually do recover, not by wishful thinking.
I also have to remember that at this stage the radiation is still killing cancer cells. That process has not ended and the body has not finished “cleaning up” from it. I am not yet fully in the phase of recovering from the effects of radiation on healthy tissues. I can encourage, help, promote, facilitate, or support that process, but it will take the time that it takes. Even this is the working out of Karma, not only the seeds that were planted in previous lifetimes, but also the effects of choices and actions in this lifetime. Whether they are decisions made more than 25 years ago that have health consequences now or the choice of treatment made last year, they are being worked out in my present circumstances and experiences.
All of Karma must bear fruit,be worked out in life, or be cleansed, but it cannot be ignored or avoided.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 27 – A Postscript to “Side Effects Begin to Diminish”
Friday, I felt so much better than I had in weeks that I overdid so much. By the time I got home that night, I was very, very tired. However, the next day I did not sleep late, but rather got a morning start on doing needed laundry. In the afternoon, with s little help from my- neighbors, I was able to finish the installation of the new master cylinder for my clutch. Nevertheless, I did not particularly try to get rest. By the time I went to my sister's house for supper, it was clear that I was profoundly tired and had to postpone the planned visit to the Thai Buddhist temple on Palm River Road.
Unfortunately, the exhilaration of feeling so much better had led to my overestimating what I could do and forgetting what I wrote in the last entry, “I am not ready to resume my normal level of activity just yet.” Furthermore, although we had planned for my sister to come over to help me bleed air from the lines of the hydraulic clutch system, we had to cancel that plan, because this level of exhaustion could result in making a mistake in the process or impair my ability to diagnose another problem with that system.
It has been so easy to let the exhilaration from feeling so much better than I have been feeling since I started treatments to deceive me into forgetting my own limitations. Therefore, I got myself thoroughly exhausted. Fortunately, I recognized my state and took appropriate action, getting rest.
Sunday, I spent the bulk of the day alternating necessities like eating and going to the bathroom with sleep. In the late afternoon, I ran a couple of simple errands and then went to my sister's house for supper and my Tong Ren online session. Now I recognize the slower pace that I must maintain at the beginning and also recognize that this pace can only be increased slowly as I actually recover not merely as I hope to recover.
Monday morning my sister and I will meet for coffee with my very best friend from childhood. Since he lives all the way out in Washington State, we rarely get the chance to see each other. In the afternoon, I shall be going to the VA hospital for an appointment with a nurse practitioner at the Mental Health Clinic. It was she who recommended that I give myself a treat after each radiation treatment and then mark off the day on a special calendar. This has been particularly helpful in keeping a positive outlook throughout my course of treatment.
This week at the Dharma Center, on Tuesday we will be having our first meeting of our book discussion group and, on Friday, we will be having a practice session for Amitayus Long Life and Ngondro practices. I hope to be able to attend both.
Once again, today I have been able to chant more of my daily practice than I have been able to do since very early in my course of treatment. My daily practice needs to grow and develop towards the plan set out in consultation with my lama. In all this I need to remember that it is not only for myself but for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Unfortunately, the exhilaration of feeling so much better had led to my overestimating what I could do and forgetting what I wrote in the last entry, “I am not ready to resume my normal level of activity just yet.” Furthermore, although we had planned for my sister to come over to help me bleed air from the lines of the hydraulic clutch system, we had to cancel that plan, because this level of exhaustion could result in making a mistake in the process or impair my ability to diagnose another problem with that system.
It has been so easy to let the exhilaration from feeling so much better than I have been feeling since I started treatments to deceive me into forgetting my own limitations. Therefore, I got myself thoroughly exhausted. Fortunately, I recognized my state and took appropriate action, getting rest.
Sunday, I spent the bulk of the day alternating necessities like eating and going to the bathroom with sleep. In the late afternoon, I ran a couple of simple errands and then went to my sister's house for supper and my Tong Ren online session. Now I recognize the slower pace that I must maintain at the beginning and also recognize that this pace can only be increased slowly as I actually recover not merely as I hope to recover.
Monday morning my sister and I will meet for coffee with my very best friend from childhood. Since he lives all the way out in Washington State, we rarely get the chance to see each other. In the afternoon, I shall be going to the VA hospital for an appointment with a nurse practitioner at the Mental Health Clinic. It was she who recommended that I give myself a treat after each radiation treatment and then mark off the day on a special calendar. This has been particularly helpful in keeping a positive outlook throughout my course of treatment.
This week at the Dharma Center, on Tuesday we will be having our first meeting of our book discussion group and, on Friday, we will be having a practice session for Amitayus Long Life and Ngondro practices. I hope to be able to attend both.
Once again, today I have been able to chant more of my daily practice than I have been able to do since very early in my course of treatment. My daily practice needs to grow and develop towards the plan set out in consultation with my lama. In all this I need to remember that it is not only for myself but for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 27 – Side Effects Begin to Diminish
Before the radiation treatments had finished, I was experiencing bad urinary symptoms. The pain exceeded the capacity of the prescribed phenazopyridine to relieve it and the urinary urgency was now followed by the inability to stop voiding when the bladder had emptied. I first thought that this new symptom was actually the result of no longer needing the dosage of the terazosin that I took for my oldest prostate symptoms, difficulty starting to urinate and incomplete voiding. Therefore, I stopped taking it for a couple of days to see if the old symptoms came back and the difficulty starting did return. At that point I resumed the dose I had originally started taking years ago. However the new inability to stop was still a problem. Now, even that seems to be clearing up and the pain when urinating also seems diminished. I have been able to reduce my dose of phenazopyridine to once a day instead of three times a day.
I'm even feeling a return of some energy to do things. I did not sleep as late as I had toward the end of my treatments. I even took care of a couple of small household tasks that I hadn't done for lack of energy. However, I am not ready to resume my normal level of activity just yet. While I have done more today already than I was doing, I already need to take a break, perhaps even a nap.
This morning for the first time since the treatments started, I made my usual strong chai with herbs that I normally drink in the morning. I had stopped doing it because it would make it more difficult to have the “comfortably full” bladder that they wanted for the treatments and I might have trouble making the drive to the hospital without a urinary “accident.” I try to take Gymnema Silvestri for diabetes and Pau d'Arco for general health daily. However, because both have what I call a “green” taste, they are much more palatable when the black tea and spice of chai masks that taste.
I also notice that I no longer have that hint of nausea that has plagued me for much of the course of treatment. As cold as this morning started out, I felt that a substantial breakfast would be a good idea. My grits, eggs, and vegetarian sausage might have brought on nausea just last week, but now I enjoyed it without any problem. However, I do realize that I can't make that my normal breakfast if I am to lose the weight that I wasn't permitted to lose while I was receiving radiation treatments. I have even signed myself into the VA weight loss program to get the most help I can get in order to lose the weight I need to lose.
I even was motivated to gather and print my information on building my own recumbent bicycle. I'm not ready to build it just yet, but I can decide on the particular design and look at the old bikes see what parts I have and what I need. I can also see whether I can borrow or must buy any tools that I don't already own.
My sister and I are looking forward to visiting the local Thai temple on Palm River Road in Tampa with friends. We haven't been there in years. They have build a new temple that we have not yet seen. Furthermore, we will get the chance to enjoy a lunch of some homemade Thai food that is sold as a fundraiser for the temple. I hope that my strength may be sufficient that I may get to my Dharma Center, but I'm not sure. Furthermore, I still need to continue with the Tong Ren sessions to help with my recovery from the radiation treatments and the general healing online sessions on Sundays are scheduled at the same time as the activities at the Dharma Center.
With the increased energy and the warmer weather after the rare freezing weather that we have had, I hope to work a little today and tomorrow on finishing the repair to my truck. For me it is important that I finish the job myself, because I have lost too much of my capabilities during the course of radiation treatments and from the change in my arthritis medication. I really need to complete this task successfully myself.
Today I have been able to chant more of my daily practice than I have been able to do since very early in my course of treatment. I hope now to be more consistent in doing the daily offerings as well. I also plan to borrow a DVD of the Amitayus Long Life Practice as a refresher for starting to do that on a regular basis since I have only been able to do it a couple of times after treatments started and even then I realized that I forgot so much of the action that goes along with the chanting. My daily practice needs to grow and develop towards the plan set out in consultation with my lama. In all this I need to remember that it is not only for myself but for the benefit of all sentient beings.
I'm even feeling a return of some energy to do things. I did not sleep as late as I had toward the end of my treatments. I even took care of a couple of small household tasks that I hadn't done for lack of energy. However, I am not ready to resume my normal level of activity just yet. While I have done more today already than I was doing, I already need to take a break, perhaps even a nap.
This morning for the first time since the treatments started, I made my usual strong chai with herbs that I normally drink in the morning. I had stopped doing it because it would make it more difficult to have the “comfortably full” bladder that they wanted for the treatments and I might have trouble making the drive to the hospital without a urinary “accident.” I try to take Gymnema Silvestri for diabetes and Pau d'Arco for general health daily. However, because both have what I call a “green” taste, they are much more palatable when the black tea and spice of chai masks that taste.
I also notice that I no longer have that hint of nausea that has plagued me for much of the course of treatment. As cold as this morning started out, I felt that a substantial breakfast would be a good idea. My grits, eggs, and vegetarian sausage might have brought on nausea just last week, but now I enjoyed it without any problem. However, I do realize that I can't make that my normal breakfast if I am to lose the weight that I wasn't permitted to lose while I was receiving radiation treatments. I have even signed myself into the VA weight loss program to get the most help I can get in order to lose the weight I need to lose.
I even was motivated to gather and print my information on building my own recumbent bicycle. I'm not ready to build it just yet, but I can decide on the particular design and look at the old bikes see what parts I have and what I need. I can also see whether I can borrow or must buy any tools that I don't already own.
My sister and I are looking forward to visiting the local Thai temple on Palm River Road in Tampa with friends. We haven't been there in years. They have build a new temple that we have not yet seen. Furthermore, we will get the chance to enjoy a lunch of some homemade Thai food that is sold as a fundraiser for the temple. I hope that my strength may be sufficient that I may get to my Dharma Center, but I'm not sure. Furthermore, I still need to continue with the Tong Ren sessions to help with my recovery from the radiation treatments and the general healing online sessions on Sundays are scheduled at the same time as the activities at the Dharma Center.
With the increased energy and the warmer weather after the rare freezing weather that we have had, I hope to work a little today and tomorrow on finishing the repair to my truck. For me it is important that I finish the job myself, because I have lost too much of my capabilities during the course of radiation treatments and from the change in my arthritis medication. I really need to complete this task successfully myself.
Today I have been able to chant more of my daily practice than I have been able to do since very early in my course of treatment. I hope now to be more consistent in doing the daily offerings as well. I also plan to borrow a DVD of the Amitayus Long Life Practice as a refresher for starting to do that on a regular basis since I have only been able to do it a couple of times after treatments started and even then I realized that I forgot so much of the action that goes along with the chanting. My daily practice needs to grow and develop towards the plan set out in consultation with my lama. In all this I need to remember that it is not only for myself but for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 26 – Transitions
In our lives we go through a series of transitions, willingly or unwillingly, joyfully or painfully, intentionally or unintentionally, for spiritual benefit or spiritual harm. Indeed we may regard each day as a series of transitions, from sleep to wakefulness, from home to work, from work to home, from wakefulness to sleep and even dreaming. Between each of these states is a condition which is neither of them but also similar to each of them, essentially a gap. While we think of the “Bardo” as only the transition between death and rebirth, at its root it is every transition, but most especially those that bring significant change in our lives. As Sogyal Rinpoche wrote in the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, “Bardo is a Tibetan word that simply means a “transition” or a gap between the completion of one situation and the onset of another. Bar means “in between” and do means “suspended” or “thrown.”
In my own life I can see the usual transitions of birth, weaning, school, graduation, and marriage. Furthermore, there have been those more personal but still very ordinary transitions like enlistment in the Navy,. On the other hand, there have been those more dramatic transitions like that brought about by the fracturing of a vertebra while drunk which revealed to me how abnormal my drinking was although it took years to bear fruit in continuing sobriety. Similarly, my motor vehicle accident in 1983 brought about the most drastic changes in my life, the most important of which have been spiritual. Some of them have only borne fruit over time.
This “journey through cancer” has been marked by significant transitions as well: the PSA test results that started this process and took me out of a daily existence forgetful of my own mortality, the urology exam that found the “lump” and took me back to the spiritual lessons of 1983, the biopsy which was the first step to a diagnosis and which especially moved me to put into action the Buddhist principles I had studied so long, the diagnosis and treatment planning which set out the approximate course of my future and put me face to face with death once again, and the course of radiation therapy which has fought my cancer and given me an extended opportunity to study and practice my Buddhist faith under both stressful and supportive conditions at the same time.
Tuesday I had my last radiation treatment. It feels so good to be finished even though I know the process is not complete. When I walked out of that session, the lady who gave me a ride that day said that she could see on my face how much happier I was at that moment The radiation has started a chain reaction which has killed many cancer cells already but will continue to kill them for several more weeks.
After the treatment session I had my weekly appointment with the radiation oncologist and his nurse, but a nurse practitioner was filling in for the doctor. She explained that my next appointment will be in three months at which time I will have a PSA test and we shall see how effective the treatments have been. She also explained that the side effects will subside over the coming weeks, but may take four to six weeks to fully clear up. We talked about how fortunate I have been to have had mild side effects, all of which were the expected ones. Some of the guys have worse side effects, some milder, some almost none at all.
Before the radiation treatments started I pursued several alternative therapies as a preparation, but stopped most of them once treatments began. A few I continued throughout the course of therapy. These I plan to also continue for some weeks now that the radiation has finished. The main ones of these will be drinking lemongrass tea and eating my “enhanced Ramen noodles” with their reishi and miso broth and broccoli. Research in Israel has shown that lemongrass tea helps kill cancer. cells Natural health sources recommend reishi and miso for dealing with the side effects of radiation.
After this many weeks centered on my daily appointment at RTU, it will feel strange not to have that focus to my day. However, I told a friend that it also may reduce my fatigue since part of it may come from the stress of this routine. At least that portion should get better rather soon.
In celebration of this latest milestone my sister and I and two friends went out to lunch at the Thai restaurant. Napin Thai, here in Plant City. We had not eaten there yet, but a friend recommended it. Actually, we rarely eat out except for situations of sheer necessity and then normally only at the cheapest places like fast food restaurants. Since I am not yet past the side effects of the radiation, although I particularly like some of the spicier Thai dishes like curry, I had to opt for the mild version of my choice just this time. The meal was excellent and the companionship only served to enhance it. Furthermore, I have already decided that when (notice I say when not if) I get the word at my follow-up appointment that my PSA is low and no lump can be felt, not only will I start wearing my, “I am a cancer survivor” t-shirt, but also I will again celebrate with dining out at this restaurant, but I can order my meal a little spicy.
I realize that I will miss the guys that I saw everyday at RTU, because we had become a kind of community or mutual support group. We would share our experiences, our jokes, even our little tips. This was compassion and loving-kindness in action, both given and received. Just as I had received the recipe for my protein shakes from my Primary Care doctor and an improvement to it from the daughter of another patient, I was able to pass it on to newer patients. Furthermore, as we shared aspects of our lives outside the hospital, we felt genuine concern for each other. We all had this chance to grow in our connection to our fellow human beings.
In my own life I can see the usual transitions of birth, weaning, school, graduation, and marriage. Furthermore, there have been those more personal but still very ordinary transitions like enlistment in the Navy,. On the other hand, there have been those more dramatic transitions like that brought about by the fracturing of a vertebra while drunk which revealed to me how abnormal my drinking was although it took years to bear fruit in continuing sobriety. Similarly, my motor vehicle accident in 1983 brought about the most drastic changes in my life, the most important of which have been spiritual. Some of them have only borne fruit over time.
This “journey through cancer” has been marked by significant transitions as well: the PSA test results that started this process and took me out of a daily existence forgetful of my own mortality, the urology exam that found the “lump” and took me back to the spiritual lessons of 1983, the biopsy which was the first step to a diagnosis and which especially moved me to put into action the Buddhist principles I had studied so long, the diagnosis and treatment planning which set out the approximate course of my future and put me face to face with death once again, and the course of radiation therapy which has fought my cancer and given me an extended opportunity to study and practice my Buddhist faith under both stressful and supportive conditions at the same time.
Tuesday I had my last radiation treatment. It feels so good to be finished even though I know the process is not complete. When I walked out of that session, the lady who gave me a ride that day said that she could see on my face how much happier I was at that moment The radiation has started a chain reaction which has killed many cancer cells already but will continue to kill them for several more weeks.
After the treatment session I had my weekly appointment with the radiation oncologist and his nurse, but a nurse practitioner was filling in for the doctor. She explained that my next appointment will be in three months at which time I will have a PSA test and we shall see how effective the treatments have been. She also explained that the side effects will subside over the coming weeks, but may take four to six weeks to fully clear up. We talked about how fortunate I have been to have had mild side effects, all of which were the expected ones. Some of the guys have worse side effects, some milder, some almost none at all.
Before the radiation treatments started I pursued several alternative therapies as a preparation, but stopped most of them once treatments began. A few I continued throughout the course of therapy. These I plan to also continue for some weeks now that the radiation has finished. The main ones of these will be drinking lemongrass tea and eating my “enhanced Ramen noodles” with their reishi and miso broth and broccoli. Research in Israel has shown that lemongrass tea helps kill cancer. cells Natural health sources recommend reishi and miso for dealing with the side effects of radiation.
After this many weeks centered on my daily appointment at RTU, it will feel strange not to have that focus to my day. However, I told a friend that it also may reduce my fatigue since part of it may come from the stress of this routine. At least that portion should get better rather soon.
In celebration of this latest milestone my sister and I and two friends went out to lunch at the Thai restaurant. Napin Thai, here in Plant City. We had not eaten there yet, but a friend recommended it. Actually, we rarely eat out except for situations of sheer necessity and then normally only at the cheapest places like fast food restaurants. Since I am not yet past the side effects of the radiation, although I particularly like some of the spicier Thai dishes like curry, I had to opt for the mild version of my choice just this time. The meal was excellent and the companionship only served to enhance it. Furthermore, I have already decided that when (notice I say when not if) I get the word at my follow-up appointment that my PSA is low and no lump can be felt, not only will I start wearing my, “I am a cancer survivor” t-shirt, but also I will again celebrate with dining out at this restaurant, but I can order my meal a little spicy.
I realize that I will miss the guys that I saw everyday at RTU, because we had become a kind of community or mutual support group. We would share our experiences, our jokes, even our little tips. This was compassion and loving-kindness in action, both given and received. Just as I had received the recipe for my protein shakes from my Primary Care doctor and an improvement to it from the daughter of another patient, I was able to pass it on to newer patients. Furthermore, as we shared aspects of our lives outside the hospital, we felt genuine concern for each other. We all had this chance to grow in our connection to our fellow human beings.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 25 – ...3...2...1...GO
I now have only two treatments left. My body has begun telling me, “Enough already!” The side effects of the radiation have been manageable up until now, but they are fast moving toward unbearable. If my treatments lasted any longer, I don't know how well I would tolerate them. I'm glad I don't have to find out now. Nevertheless, despite feeling particularly lousy physically yesterday, I am emotionally uplifted. I even had the chance to enjoy a little shopping that involved planning to do things that I haven't been able to do. I bought cat dishes to start to tame a feral cat that has been coming around and mugs, bowls, and dessert plates to use when entertaining visitors. I was even looking at kitten toys.
I have also been blessed through the course of my treatments to have friends who would drive me to some of my appointments. Even this benefits others, at least insofar as they have the opportunity to practice loving-kindness, compassion, and generosity in a very concrete fashion. At the same time I get the chance to share my experiences and my faith to also benefit them.
Yesterday, after the treatment, the technician asked me how I planned to celebrate when I'm finished. I told her that I really hadn't thought about it. She said that she thought that anyone who make it through their treatments should throw a party. I told her that I'd probably go out to eat. Later I discussed it with my sister and decided that we would check out the new Thai restaurant in town the day after my last treatment. We'll make it lunchtime, because the prices are lower then.
My last treatment day will be a rather full one. After the final radiation therapy session, I will meet with the radiation oncologist and his nurse to discuss the follow-up appointments. Before leaving the hospital for the day, I will have one more session with the psychology intern to discuss my feelings at the conclusion of my treatments and my strategies for coping with the uncertainty of the wait for the tests and their results. Just as the wait between the high PSA readings and the urology appointment when the “lump” was found and the wait between that urology appointment and the biopsy and the wait between the biopsy and the diagnosis and the wait between the diagnosis and the treatment planning and the wait between the treatment planning and the beginning of treatments were all almost too much to bear, the wait to know the effectiveness of the treatments will also be excruciatingly long. Although I must admit that there is the possibility that the radiation was basically ineffective, I have every confidence that I shall survive this cancer just as I have survived so many things already. In 1983 when I had a traumatic tear of the aorta, that injury had a 99.5% mortality rate, but I survived. Currently prostate cancer has only about a 27.9% mortality rate, much better odds. When I had my last appointment with the psychology intern, I told him that although this treatment was no picnic, it was not nearly as rigorous as what I went through in 1983 with not only the torn aorta but also multiple broken bones and requiring not only medical and surgical interventions but also extensive physical therapy.
Beyond this I have had the opportunity for spiritual and emotional growth, just as I had in the previous “brushes with death.” Furthermore, as a Buddhist, I see such experiences as the fruits of karmic seeds planted in a previous lifetime as well as the opportunity to cleanse my karma depending on how I handle the situation. I also see in this the perfect conditions to practice loving-kindness and compassion to make it benefit other beings.
I have also been blessed through the course of my treatments to have friends who would drive me to some of my appointments. Even this benefits others, at least insofar as they have the opportunity to practice loving-kindness, compassion, and generosity in a very concrete fashion. At the same time I get the chance to share my experiences and my faith to also benefit them.
Yesterday, after the treatment, the technician asked me how I planned to celebrate when I'm finished. I told her that I really hadn't thought about it. She said that she thought that anyone who make it through their treatments should throw a party. I told her that I'd probably go out to eat. Later I discussed it with my sister and decided that we would check out the new Thai restaurant in town the day after my last treatment. We'll make it lunchtime, because the prices are lower then.
My last treatment day will be a rather full one. After the final radiation therapy session, I will meet with the radiation oncologist and his nurse to discuss the follow-up appointments. Before leaving the hospital for the day, I will have one more session with the psychology intern to discuss my feelings at the conclusion of my treatments and my strategies for coping with the uncertainty of the wait for the tests and their results. Just as the wait between the high PSA readings and the urology appointment when the “lump” was found and the wait between that urology appointment and the biopsy and the wait between the biopsy and the diagnosis and the wait between the diagnosis and the treatment planning and the wait between the treatment planning and the beginning of treatments were all almost too much to bear, the wait to know the effectiveness of the treatments will also be excruciatingly long. Although I must admit that there is the possibility that the radiation was basically ineffective, I have every confidence that I shall survive this cancer just as I have survived so many things already. In 1983 when I had a traumatic tear of the aorta, that injury had a 99.5% mortality rate, but I survived. Currently prostate cancer has only about a 27.9% mortality rate, much better odds. When I had my last appointment with the psychology intern, I told him that although this treatment was no picnic, it was not nearly as rigorous as what I went through in 1983 with not only the torn aorta but also multiple broken bones and requiring not only medical and surgical interventions but also extensive physical therapy.
Beyond this I have had the opportunity for spiritual and emotional growth, just as I had in the previous “brushes with death.” Furthermore, as a Buddhist, I see such experiences as the fruits of karmic seeds planted in a previous lifetime as well as the opportunity to cleanse my karma depending on how I handle the situation. I also see in this the perfect conditions to practice loving-kindness and compassion to make it benefit other beings.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 24 – New Yearses
Monday night I attended a Lunar Tea Gathering at Kaleisia Tea Lounge celebrating the Vietnamese New Year. Sunday night I had intended to attend the celebration at Chua Phat Phap Vietnamese Temple and Vihara in St. Petersburg, but the fatigue that has plagued me since I started radiation treatments prevented it. Our little celebration was more personal and participatory. Kim did the Gongfu Cha tea ceremony and discussed New Years traditions in her culture and in her family. In fact we all contributed our own traditions which were similar or otherwise related to them. This was such a beautiful experience.
For Western New Year, I was too fatigued to do anything more than watch the celebration. However, having celebrated the Vietnamese New Year, I plan to celebrate the Tibetan New Year and then the Thai New Year in coming months. Tibetan New Year (Losar) will be February 25th this year. Thai New Year will be April 19th.
I'm sure or at least hope that the Dharma Center will have some celebration for Losar, but I don't yet know what they are. For the Thai New Year I'll check with friends about their plans as well as check the different temples' schedules. I have a strong inclination to try to go to Wat Florida Dhammaram to make another pilgrimage to the votive shrines.
Each of these three New Years dates marks a significant point in this journey. Right now, with only six therapy sessions remaining ,I am at the stage of seeing the end of my treatments just “around the corner.” After all of this I can soon expect to go from radiation therapy sessions to recovering from their side effects. When I get to Losar, I should be experiencing a return of some level of energy. Some time around Songkran (Thai New Year) I should get the confirmation of the effectiveness of all this treatment. I have no reason to expect anything less than a full recovery from both the cancer and the radiation therapy.
New Year traditions in most cultures involve reflection on one's past and future. It is standing between what has been done, whether for good or ill, and what is yet to be accomplished. We have a chance, like a ship's navigator, to check our position and our heading against our charted course. Are we off course? Are we heading in the right direction?
It is particularly valuable to me that I am celebrating these days and doing this reflection surrounded by cultural traditions which were shaped by centuries of Buddhist practice and guided by centuries of Dharma teachings. This keeps me from losing sight of the karmic roots of my circumstances or of being of benefit to all sentient beings. While it does originate in “seeds” planted in a previous lifetime, its value is in helping all other beings.
For Western New Year, I was too fatigued to do anything more than watch the celebration. However, having celebrated the Vietnamese New Year, I plan to celebrate the Tibetan New Year and then the Thai New Year in coming months. Tibetan New Year (Losar) will be February 25th this year. Thai New Year will be April 19th.
I'm sure or at least hope that the Dharma Center will have some celebration for Losar, but I don't yet know what they are. For the Thai New Year I'll check with friends about their plans as well as check the different temples' schedules. I have a strong inclination to try to go to Wat Florida Dhammaram to make another pilgrimage to the votive shrines.
Each of these three New Years dates marks a significant point in this journey. Right now, with only six therapy sessions remaining ,I am at the stage of seeing the end of my treatments just “around the corner.” After all of this I can soon expect to go from radiation therapy sessions to recovering from their side effects. When I get to Losar, I should be experiencing a return of some level of energy. Some time around Songkran (Thai New Year) I should get the confirmation of the effectiveness of all this treatment. I have no reason to expect anything less than a full recovery from both the cancer and the radiation therapy.
New Year traditions in most cultures involve reflection on one's past and future. It is standing between what has been done, whether for good or ill, and what is yet to be accomplished. We have a chance, like a ship's navigator, to check our position and our heading against our charted course. Are we off course? Are we heading in the right direction?
It is particularly valuable to me that I am celebrating these days and doing this reflection surrounded by cultural traditions which were shaped by centuries of Buddhist practice and guided by centuries of Dharma teachings. This keeps me from losing sight of the karmic roots of my circumstances or of being of benefit to all sentient beings. While it does originate in “seeds” planted in a previous lifetime, its value is in helping all other beings.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 23 – One Veteran's Reflections
Among my friends is a young (from my perspective) couple; he is an Air Force officer: she is a stay-at-home mom. The wife drove me to my radiation treatment session Friday. This, of course, gave rise to conversations about what military service is like today and what it was like during my two enlistments. Naturally, there are differences between the Navy (in which I served) and the Air Force, but there are many common principles. Although some Naval traditions and customs originate in the distant past when men first went to sea in boats, the Air Force has a much shorter history, originating as a part of the Army. Nevertheless, among the principles that both services shared was, “We take care of our own.”
When I was on active duty, that principle meant, among other things, that when some was injured on duty the services didn't just put them out. In fact, after my motor vehicle accident (not even a combat injury), when authorization came through for my discharge, I was informed that I had to be “fit for full duty” before I could be discharged. Furthermore, a member of my unit during my first hitch developed diabetes. Although it could not be considered “service connected,” it prevented him from continuing his enlistment, but he could never become “fit for full duty.” Therefore, the Navy medically retired him with the appropriate benefits, a percentage of base pay, exchange privileges, commissary privileges, and hospital care for life.
In contrast, I repeatedly hear of men and women wounded in combat zones with injuries severe enough to never be declared “fit for full duty” being discharged while under medical care. Furthermore, they must apply for VA benefits rather than receive the benefits of a medical retirement. However, I do understand from a political point of view why this should develop. We have been involved in some very expensive wars and are currently bogged down in Iraq. Every time the funding comes up in Congress, there is a fight. If wounded troops are medically retired, their pay and benefits continue to be part of the DOD budget, but if they are discharged, their benefits are part of the VA budget, a hidden cost of war.
From my own experience of care in the nearly twenty-five years that I have received medical care from VA facilities, I can say that they will receive care as good as or better than civilian medical care. However, when dealing with procedural issues, I sometimes have to remind myself that it is run by the government and derived from the military. Furthermore, I have talked to enough of our staff to know that many of them are reservists who would bring with them military medical experience which would make the care close to that of a military hospital. Nevertheless, it is not quality of care that concerns me, but rather responsibility for care.
What Marine would want to continue to serve in a Marine Corps that doesn't care for its own? What airman would want to continue to serve in an Air Force that doesn't care for its own? What sailor would want to continue to serve in a Navy that doesn't care for its own? What soldier would want to continue to serve in an Army that doesn't care for its own? Nevertheless, this seems to be what the politicians have given us.
I am so grateful that we have a VA medical care system that takes good care of our wounded warriors. At least the nation as a whole is not abandoning them. Furthermore, we are blessed with staff throughout the Department of Veterans Affairs who distinguish themselves as more than just bureaucrats. They have kept up the level of service in spite of continual underfunding. This is particularly evident at James A Haley VA Medical Center, the busiest VA hospital in the country which is further stressed by the influx of “snow birds” every winter. In the more than twenty years that I have received care there, I have never had less than the best of care, better than any health plan has ever given me.
As a Buddhist today I could never kill anyone, but I cannot disrespect warriors who have taken on the commitment to protect me. I really can't hold them accountable for the wars into which the politicians send them, even when the “enemy” poses no real threat to us. The true warriors' goal is to serve others which is the basis of altruistic motivation.
When I was on active duty, that principle meant, among other things, that when some was injured on duty the services didn't just put them out. In fact, after my motor vehicle accident (not even a combat injury), when authorization came through for my discharge, I was informed that I had to be “fit for full duty” before I could be discharged. Furthermore, a member of my unit during my first hitch developed diabetes. Although it could not be considered “service connected,” it prevented him from continuing his enlistment, but he could never become “fit for full duty.” Therefore, the Navy medically retired him with the appropriate benefits, a percentage of base pay, exchange privileges, commissary privileges, and hospital care for life.
In contrast, I repeatedly hear of men and women wounded in combat zones with injuries severe enough to never be declared “fit for full duty” being discharged while under medical care. Furthermore, they must apply for VA benefits rather than receive the benefits of a medical retirement. However, I do understand from a political point of view why this should develop. We have been involved in some very expensive wars and are currently bogged down in Iraq. Every time the funding comes up in Congress, there is a fight. If wounded troops are medically retired, their pay and benefits continue to be part of the DOD budget, but if they are discharged, their benefits are part of the VA budget, a hidden cost of war.
From my own experience of care in the nearly twenty-five years that I have received medical care from VA facilities, I can say that they will receive care as good as or better than civilian medical care. However, when dealing with procedural issues, I sometimes have to remind myself that it is run by the government and derived from the military. Furthermore, I have talked to enough of our staff to know that many of them are reservists who would bring with them military medical experience which would make the care close to that of a military hospital. Nevertheless, it is not quality of care that concerns me, but rather responsibility for care.
What Marine would want to continue to serve in a Marine Corps that doesn't care for its own? What airman would want to continue to serve in an Air Force that doesn't care for its own? What sailor would want to continue to serve in a Navy that doesn't care for its own? What soldier would want to continue to serve in an Army that doesn't care for its own? Nevertheless, this seems to be what the politicians have given us.
I am so grateful that we have a VA medical care system that takes good care of our wounded warriors. At least the nation as a whole is not abandoning them. Furthermore, we are blessed with staff throughout the Department of Veterans Affairs who distinguish themselves as more than just bureaucrats. They have kept up the level of service in spite of continual underfunding. This is particularly evident at James A Haley VA Medical Center, the busiest VA hospital in the country which is further stressed by the influx of “snow birds” every winter. In the more than twenty years that I have received care there, I have never had less than the best of care, better than any health plan has ever given me.
As a Buddhist today I could never kill anyone, but I cannot disrespect warriors who have taken on the commitment to protect me. I really can't hold them accountable for the wars into which the politicians send them, even when the “enemy” poses no real threat to us. The true warriors' goal is to serve others which is the basis of altruistic motivation.
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