Last night and today, I've been working on getting my plan started for moving the bees from the hollow of the oak tree into my hive. Finally it has been fully set into motion. Last night I covered the opening that the bees were using with screen and started cutting the branch of the trunk section by section. Unfortunately, the tree beat me last night. Today in the daytime I started again cutting the tree in sections. At the same time I spritzed the screened area to give the bees water. However, the bees started to find their way past the screen by creeping through wrinkles along the edge of the screen.
When I was cutting the tree, I had to cut each section in parts resting between each. I also sprayed the bees who were on the outside with sugar water to calm them. Considering the fact that I was working on their home and could even be perceived as attacking it, they were amazingly docile. Until I did something really dumb, they had only stung me three times. After a friend came over to help me with the cutting, the second section he cut opened the hollow that the colony was occupying. They did get rather upset with him and chased him around the house. I had to smoke him to mask any scent.
After I gave the bees time to calm down, I placed a temporary hive bottom which consisted of a piece of plywood with a hole to match the opening in the hollow and an area set up as the “bee porch.” Since the bees were managing to get around the screen that was supposed to close their original entrance, I realized that I would need to remove the screen and eventually plug the opening with rags. Here I made a great mistake of overconfidence. I had not been working with any protective gear, no bee suit, no gloves, not even long sleeves or a bee veil. With so many bees on both sides of the screen I should have at least put on a long sleeve shirt and a bee veil. Not doing that was a big mistake and a clear case of overconfidence. When I pulled the screen, they came after me or rather were thrown at me. I ended up with eight more stings and bees following me into the house. It had been enough that they were docile while I worked on their home, but when I forcibly threw them into the air disrupting what they were doing was more than they could be expected to tolerate calmly.
Eventually, after they had calmed down and it had gotten dark, I thought I could easily stuff the opening because they would be inside the tree. However, all the sugar water I had used had left plenty of sugar for them to clean up on the bark of the tree. Therefore, I had to use smoke to get them to clear the entrance long enough to stuff a rag into it. When I checked back later, I found quite a few bees trapped on the outside. I hope they manage to find their new entrance through the hive body. In fact, I hope the bees inside the tree also find this entrance as well. I already have dead bees for whom I shall be chanting the Amitabha mantra for a better rebirth. Some died when they stung us, others when we temporarily covered the opening to hollow before we put the hive body up on the tree.
I am certain that these bees do not have any African genes, because they are so docile. They might be considered feral, but they are obviously of native or European stock. With all that I did to their home, there reaction was so mild. I spent most of the time working without a bee veil or long sleeves. In fact, one of my friends jokingly called me a “bee charmer.”
This is particularly satisfying, because I may have saved the lives of thousands of sentient beings. However, I still grieve the loss of those few who died or may yet die. Tomorrow I will drive to the Thai Buddhist temple in Kissimmee as a pilgrimage to the shrines. This time I shall circumambulate each one twenty-one times, make twenty-one prostrations in each and chant the mantra 108 times before and after the circumambulation. I make this pilgrimage in rejoicing at my recovery both from cancer and from the treatment. I shall also chant mantras for the dead bees in the replica shrine for the Parinibbana Temple of Kusinara India, because we do all things for the benefit not only of ourselves but also for all sentient beings, even bees.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Journey Through Cancer Chapter 37 – Plans, Recovery and Reality
A colony of bees settled in the hollow of one branch of the trunk of my sister's oak tree. This is a very great blessing, because we have wanted bees to be pollinators in her garden. However, my sister is seriously allergic to bee stings. Fortunately, she has learned that bees are not going to sting her for no good reason and foraging bees pay little attention to human beings. Particularly, she has learned not to swat at them, because swatting or waving only increases the likelihood of being stung.
In order to preserve the bees and keep my sister away from their home, I need to get them out of the tree and into a hive. I have researched this and developed a suitable plan for this. However, it requires a helper who is not allergic to bee stings which, of course, keeps my sister from being my helper.
The plan is that I would cover the present entrance into the hollow branch and then cut into the top end of the branch until I uncover the hollow. I would then mount my hive box in such a way that the bees would now have to enter and leave through my box. Whenever they start building comb in my box, particularly brood comb indicating the presence of the queen, I will bring it down from the tree. At that point I will cut the hollow branch completely off the rest of the tree and split it. I will take the honey comb and brood comb out and mount it onto top bars in a second hive box. I'll stack the two boxes and let the bees have a rest from my interference for at least one day. Then I'll move them to the part of my sister's yard that she will have little reason to go.
Tonight we set my plan into motion. One of my sister's friends who has been around bees when hives were being worked came over to help me. When I thought that all the foraging bees had come in for the night, I smoked the colony and secured the screen over their entrance. Unfortunately, I was a bit premature. Soon there were at least fifty bees laden with pollen on the outside of the screen. I quickly removed it and waited longer. When we got to the point that I thought we would soon lack the light to work, I covered the opening again. I then climbed the ladder with the chainsaw and started cutting the branch. I soon tired without accomplishing much. I even moved the ladder to a new spot and again tired before I had cut anything off the tree.
I have a very limited time to finish putting my hive box on the tree. The bees can't get out and get any water. They will die if I don't get the opening cleared on top or reopen their old entrance soon. I'm trying to find a helper who can handle climbing the ladder and operating the chainsaw. If nothing else, I'll work on it repeatedly until I have completed the task myself.
I am certain than these bees are not Africanized bees. I worked without protective clothing, using a drill to fasten the screen and even using a chainsaw on the tree, only getting two stings in the process. That certainly is a mild response to so much interference.
Nevertheless, I can see that although I have been recovering from the radiation therapy for three months I have not fully regained my strength. I may already have the clear indication of successfully overcoming the cancer with a low PSA and the relief of all prostate symptoms, but I seem to still need to continue in my recovery. Nevertheless, I have had some measure of success in my weight loss plans. At the present rate, it should not be long for me to get my weight under 200 pounds, a significant milestone on the way to a more reasonable weight of 160 pounds.
With regard to our bees, I will get back to them in the morning. The first thing that I must do is to mist the screen over their entrance to give them some water. After that I'll have to get the hollow opened at the top. In this whole process I may not be able to save every one of the bees, but I will do my best preserve them all and chant the Amitabha mantra for the fortunate rebirth of any who die. Seeing every bee as a sentient being, places me in a difficult position with regard to state-required bee inspections. The inspector will ask for proof that the queen in each hive is not an African hybrid bee, expecting me to kill my feral queen and replace her with one whose genetics are known. How can I knowingly and willingly kill another sentient being, even under these circumstances? This is most disturbing since I know that there is no trace of African genetics in this colony based on their particularly docile behavior. These are some of the “mother sentient beings” about whom we so often pray.
In addition to the practical measures that I am taking for the preservation of the lives of all these bees, perhaps I shall also be chanting mantras for them at the shrines at the Wat Florida Dhammaram. When I am there on Saturday, I am not doing my devotions for my benefit only, but also for the benefit of all sentient beings.
In order to preserve the bees and keep my sister away from their home, I need to get them out of the tree and into a hive. I have researched this and developed a suitable plan for this. However, it requires a helper who is not allergic to bee stings which, of course, keeps my sister from being my helper.
The plan is that I would cover the present entrance into the hollow branch and then cut into the top end of the branch until I uncover the hollow. I would then mount my hive box in such a way that the bees would now have to enter and leave through my box. Whenever they start building comb in my box, particularly brood comb indicating the presence of the queen, I will bring it down from the tree. At that point I will cut the hollow branch completely off the rest of the tree and split it. I will take the honey comb and brood comb out and mount it onto top bars in a second hive box. I'll stack the two boxes and let the bees have a rest from my interference for at least one day. Then I'll move them to the part of my sister's yard that she will have little reason to go.
Tonight we set my plan into motion. One of my sister's friends who has been around bees when hives were being worked came over to help me. When I thought that all the foraging bees had come in for the night, I smoked the colony and secured the screen over their entrance. Unfortunately, I was a bit premature. Soon there were at least fifty bees laden with pollen on the outside of the screen. I quickly removed it and waited longer. When we got to the point that I thought we would soon lack the light to work, I covered the opening again. I then climbed the ladder with the chainsaw and started cutting the branch. I soon tired without accomplishing much. I even moved the ladder to a new spot and again tired before I had cut anything off the tree.
I have a very limited time to finish putting my hive box on the tree. The bees can't get out and get any water. They will die if I don't get the opening cleared on top or reopen their old entrance soon. I'm trying to find a helper who can handle climbing the ladder and operating the chainsaw. If nothing else, I'll work on it repeatedly until I have completed the task myself.
I am certain than these bees are not Africanized bees. I worked without protective clothing, using a drill to fasten the screen and even using a chainsaw on the tree, only getting two stings in the process. That certainly is a mild response to so much interference.
Nevertheless, I can see that although I have been recovering from the radiation therapy for three months I have not fully regained my strength. I may already have the clear indication of successfully overcoming the cancer with a low PSA and the relief of all prostate symptoms, but I seem to still need to continue in my recovery. Nevertheless, I have had some measure of success in my weight loss plans. At the present rate, it should not be long for me to get my weight under 200 pounds, a significant milestone on the way to a more reasonable weight of 160 pounds.
With regard to our bees, I will get back to them in the morning. The first thing that I must do is to mist the screen over their entrance to give them some water. After that I'll have to get the hollow opened at the top. In this whole process I may not be able to save every one of the bees, but I will do my best preserve them all and chant the Amitabha mantra for the fortunate rebirth of any who die. Seeing every bee as a sentient being, places me in a difficult position with regard to state-required bee inspections. The inspector will ask for proof that the queen in each hive is not an African hybrid bee, expecting me to kill my feral queen and replace her with one whose genetics are known. How can I knowingly and willingly kill another sentient being, even under these circumstances? This is most disturbing since I know that there is no trace of African genetics in this colony based on their particularly docile behavior. These are some of the “mother sentient beings” about whom we so often pray.
In addition to the practical measures that I am taking for the preservation of the lives of all these bees, perhaps I shall also be chanting mantras for them at the shrines at the Wat Florida Dhammaram. When I am there on Saturday, I am not doing my devotions for my benefit only, but also for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Journey Through Cancer Chapter 36 - The Dharma and the “Big Picture”
For two nights I have been hearing the teachings of Drupon Rinchen Dorje Rinpoche on “Four Dharmas of Gampopa in relation to Mahamudra” at our beloved Katsel Dharma Center. These are profound teachings about which I can claim no great understanding. Nevertheless, all the experiences of my life as well those of my previous rebirths have been preparing to receive them at this particular time. As with many great teachings especially those of the Dharma, they are incredibly simple but not at all easy in their application.
The first of the “Four Dharmas” that the Dharma goes to the Dharma seems particularly applicable to my life in this rebirth up to this point. Rinpoche explained that the eight worldly dharmas are precisely what would prevent the Dharma from leading to the Dharma. For all of the worldly dharmas, whether it is seeking to get what you want or avoid getting what you do not want, whether it is wanting (instant) happiness or not wanting unhappiness, whether it is wanting fame or not wanting to be unknown, whether it is wanting praise or not wanting blame, the specific remedy for all of them is the same, meditation on death and impermanence. Furthermore, it is just such meditation that ensures that the Dharma leads to the Dharma.
As I described in the preface to this writing, Death has been my traveling companion throughout my life and yet I have continued to survive. Any of those close calls could have been fatal. I have just had a close brush with death. Once again I have survived, but how much longer will it be. No one can say that death won't come totally unexpected without the warning of a doctor's diagnosis. This is a meditation on death taken to another level, perhaps the Karmic fruit of being a particularly difficult student in a previous rebirth.
On the other hand, when I describe the breadth of my life experiences by saying that I've been “everything from a drunken sailor to a Russian Orthodox monk,” what else am I describing but the living out of change. Indeed, even the “I” who has lived all of these things is not a constant, but rather the ever-changing result of the succession of causes and conditions. Whether talking about lifetimes or just the series of present moments, it is rather like a string of “pop beads.” With ordinary beads, there is a string running through all of them, holding them together.. However, with “pop beads” there is no string but rather the connection of one bead to the next, like in the picture.
That little connector is like the causal relationship of one moment to the next or one lifetime to the next, but, of course, this is only an analogy not an ultimate model of the Truth. Nevertheless, it does help me comprehend impermanence on another level, perhaps even bringing me closer to letting go of the “self-other” duality.
Drupon Rinchen Dorje Rinpoche, concluding his teaching, stated that it was only an introduction, but that Venerable Lama Konchok Sonam would explain more to us later. I am looking forward to it with great eagerness. For these two nights, unlike previous teachings, I had a small notebook to make notes just like a student in any course of study. What more important subject for study can there be than freeing yourself and all sentient beings from suffering? I should approach it and all my others with no less diligence that I showed to my college courses.
Next month, when I am in Boston, I need to be just as diligent in striving to learn everything I can from Acharya Yogi Lama Gursam Rinpoche on Medicine Buddha and from His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche concerning “the Heart of Bodhicitta,” “Enlightened Female Masters,” and “Ganges Mahamudra.” These are of more lasting importance than “Differential Equations” or “Photography.” What greater value can my continued life have than to study from these masters and apply the lessons learned for the benefit of myself and all other sentient beings.
The first of the “Four Dharmas” that the Dharma goes to the Dharma seems particularly applicable to my life in this rebirth up to this point. Rinpoche explained that the eight worldly dharmas are precisely what would prevent the Dharma from leading to the Dharma. For all of the worldly dharmas, whether it is seeking to get what you want or avoid getting what you do not want, whether it is wanting (instant) happiness or not wanting unhappiness, whether it is wanting fame or not wanting to be unknown, whether it is wanting praise or not wanting blame, the specific remedy for all of them is the same, meditation on death and impermanence. Furthermore, it is just such meditation that ensures that the Dharma leads to the Dharma.
As I described in the preface to this writing, Death has been my traveling companion throughout my life and yet I have continued to survive. Any of those close calls could have been fatal. I have just had a close brush with death. Once again I have survived, but how much longer will it be. No one can say that death won't come totally unexpected without the warning of a doctor's diagnosis. This is a meditation on death taken to another level, perhaps the Karmic fruit of being a particularly difficult student in a previous rebirth.
On the other hand, when I describe the breadth of my life experiences by saying that I've been “everything from a drunken sailor to a Russian Orthodox monk,” what else am I describing but the living out of change. Indeed, even the “I” who has lived all of these things is not a constant, but rather the ever-changing result of the succession of causes and conditions. Whether talking about lifetimes or just the series of present moments, it is rather like a string of “pop beads.” With ordinary beads, there is a string running through all of them, holding them together.. However, with “pop beads” there is no string but rather the connection of one bead to the next, like in the picture.
That little connector is like the causal relationship of one moment to the next or one lifetime to the next, but, of course, this is only an analogy not an ultimate model of the Truth. Nevertheless, it does help me comprehend impermanence on another level, perhaps even bringing me closer to letting go of the “self-other” duality.
Drupon Rinchen Dorje Rinpoche, concluding his teaching, stated that it was only an introduction, but that Venerable Lama Konchok Sonam would explain more to us later. I am looking forward to it with great eagerness. For these two nights, unlike previous teachings, I had a small notebook to make notes just like a student in any course of study. What more important subject for study can there be than freeing yourself and all sentient beings from suffering? I should approach it and all my others with no less diligence that I showed to my college courses.
Next month, when I am in Boston, I need to be just as diligent in striving to learn everything I can from Acharya Yogi Lama Gursam Rinpoche on Medicine Buddha and from His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche concerning “the Heart of Bodhicitta,” “Enlightened Female Masters,” and “Ganges Mahamudra.” These are of more lasting importance than “Differential Equations” or “Photography.” What greater value can my continued life have than to study from these masters and apply the lessons learned for the benefit of myself and all other sentient beings.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Journey Through Cancer Chapter 35 – Recovery, Surprises and the Dharma
Week before last I was pleasantly surprised by my Primary Care Physician checking my PSA and telling me that it was now 3.1, within the normal range. Last week the order for another test was entered by the Oncologist and the Nurse Practitioner from Rheumatology gave me the preview of the result at 1.5, quite a surprise. In addition, my strength is growing.
Saturday, my sister and I co-officiated the handfasting of some very good friends. It was the most beautiful occasion, a small gathering and a ceremony mostly written by the couple themselves. It was a really emotional event for everyone involved. Once I'm ordained, I guess I won't be doing any more of these, but that's how it should be. I talked to a couple of my friends about my intention to be ordained a Tibetan Buddhist monk. We particularly discussed the difference between this and my previous entry into the Russian Orthodox monastery. Then I was running away from a pain of my disastrous marriage. This time I am making a positive step for the benefit of myself and others.
Sunday afternoon, I got back to the Dharma Center after I haven't been able to be there on a consistent basis. I found out that our president will be taking his monastic ordination this month and am most pleased for him. It is clearly the fulfillment of his highest aspirations. He gave an outstanding Dharma talk that helped me understand some very important things. As a result of what he said I realized that the chief aim of structure and rules of Tibetan Buddhist monasticism is focus. All the things that we leave behind like family life and career are set aside to clear the way to keep our focus on the primary goal of the path to enlightenment.
Now that I've decided on becoming a monk, I am eager to begin, but I have to realize that I may not yet be ready for it. When I look at my friend, I see that he has been preparing for this for a long time. I haven't been officially Buddhist for a whole year yet. Furthermore, when I asked Lama Sonam to be my Root Lama, I established a relationship that he would guide me in my spiritual development before I take ordination. I still haven't fulfilled my first commitment to visit the Center in Boston to make a sort of a retreat. I'm making my plans for the trip in June. I may need to get a little help to actually make the trip, because it looks like it could be too expensive for my limited means.
At the very least, I have to turn up the speed on my “liquidation of my own estate” to help raise the funds for such an important trip. I plan to get there in time for Acharya Yogi Lama Gursam Rinpoche giving Medicine Buddha empowerment and teachings. I'll stay long enough to attend teachings and empowerments from His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche. For these teachings and empowerments in addition to my room and board, I'll have to seek “work-study” opportunities. I never have much money to give, but I can give myself and my skills. In between special events, I'll be part of the daily life at Drikung Katsel Ngedon Tharpa Cho Ling and hopefully get the kind of advice that I need.
Although I haven't received the “official” word from the oncologist, I'm going to accept the evidence of the two PSA tests added to the absence of all prostate symptoms. There is no reason not to believe that we have gotten all of the tumor with the radiation. Furthermore, the lemongrass tea, reishi mushroom and miso broth and other alternative healing regimens may have helped in its effectiveness. On the other hand, I may even start wearing my “I survived cancer” t-shirt. More importantly, one day this week I will drive to the Thai Buddhist temple in Kissimmee as a pilgrimage to the shrines. This time I will circumambulate each one twenty-one times, make twenty-one prostrations in each and chant the mantra 108 times before and after the circumambulation. My strength has returned to sufficient extent that this is not an overly ambitious plan, although I am not fully recovered yet.
In all of this and all that I have yet to do, I am not only to benefit myself by my efforts but also to work for the benefit of all sentient beings. My Karma has put me on the present path of my Journey through Cancer, but it has also made it the opportunity to benefit others by this experience. Indeed all the experiences of this lifetime and all previous rebirths are not only part of my path to enlightenment but also to benefit all beings.
Saturday, my sister and I co-officiated the handfasting of some very good friends. It was the most beautiful occasion, a small gathering and a ceremony mostly written by the couple themselves. It was a really emotional event for everyone involved. Once I'm ordained, I guess I won't be doing any more of these, but that's how it should be. I talked to a couple of my friends about my intention to be ordained a Tibetan Buddhist monk. We particularly discussed the difference between this and my previous entry into the Russian Orthodox monastery. Then I was running away from a pain of my disastrous marriage. This time I am making a positive step for the benefit of myself and others.
Sunday afternoon, I got back to the Dharma Center after I haven't been able to be there on a consistent basis. I found out that our president will be taking his monastic ordination this month and am most pleased for him. It is clearly the fulfillment of his highest aspirations. He gave an outstanding Dharma talk that helped me understand some very important things. As a result of what he said I realized that the chief aim of structure and rules of Tibetan Buddhist monasticism is focus. All the things that we leave behind like family life and career are set aside to clear the way to keep our focus on the primary goal of the path to enlightenment.
Now that I've decided on becoming a monk, I am eager to begin, but I have to realize that I may not yet be ready for it. When I look at my friend, I see that he has been preparing for this for a long time. I haven't been officially Buddhist for a whole year yet. Furthermore, when I asked Lama Sonam to be my Root Lama, I established a relationship that he would guide me in my spiritual development before I take ordination. I still haven't fulfilled my first commitment to visit the Center in Boston to make a sort of a retreat. I'm making my plans for the trip in June. I may need to get a little help to actually make the trip, because it looks like it could be too expensive for my limited means.
At the very least, I have to turn up the speed on my “liquidation of my own estate” to help raise the funds for such an important trip. I plan to get there in time for Acharya Yogi Lama Gursam Rinpoche giving Medicine Buddha empowerment and teachings. I'll stay long enough to attend teachings and empowerments from His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche. For these teachings and empowerments in addition to my room and board, I'll have to seek “work-study” opportunities. I never have much money to give, but I can give myself and my skills. In between special events, I'll be part of the daily life at Drikung Katsel Ngedon Tharpa Cho Ling and hopefully get the kind of advice that I need.
Although I haven't received the “official” word from the oncologist, I'm going to accept the evidence of the two PSA tests added to the absence of all prostate symptoms. There is no reason not to believe that we have gotten all of the tumor with the radiation. Furthermore, the lemongrass tea, reishi mushroom and miso broth and other alternative healing regimens may have helped in its effectiveness. On the other hand, I may even start wearing my “I survived cancer” t-shirt. More importantly, one day this week I will drive to the Thai Buddhist temple in Kissimmee as a pilgrimage to the shrines. This time I will circumambulate each one twenty-one times, make twenty-one prostrations in each and chant the mantra 108 times before and after the circumambulation. My strength has returned to sufficient extent that this is not an overly ambitious plan, although I am not fully recovered yet.
In all of this and all that I have yet to do, I am not only to benefit myself by my efforts but also to work for the benefit of all sentient beings. My Karma has put me on the present path of my Journey through Cancer, but it has also made it the opportunity to benefit others by this experience. Indeed all the experiences of this lifetime and all previous rebirths are not only part of my path to enlightenment but also to benefit all beings.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Journey Through Cancer Chapter 34 - Recovery and Decisions
This week I got some very good news. Although it isn't the official word from the oncologist, the PSA test ordered by my Primary Care Physician resulted in a normal reading which, as he said, is “heading in the right direction.” That, combined with the absence of the symptoms of even BPH, gives me a high degree of confidence that we have destroyed the tumor. Of course, I still need to hear it from the oncologist for it to be “official.” Nevertheless, I rejoice at this finding and have begun to make some plans.
I signed up for the VA Hospital's weight loss program. I had already started working on losing some weight by using the protein shakes as a substitute for some of my meals. Now I will have professional support and advice to assist me in reaching this goal. As my Primary Care doctor said, when I told him about my weight loss goal, if I lose the weight he can take me off some of my present meds. That is a beautiful prospect, especially since we have been able to eliminate a couple now that my cancer treatments are finished.
As I think about my future as a cancer survivor, I come back to the question of whether I should be a monk. An honest and impartial review of the history of my romantic relationships reveals that I really haven't had any. Through all of my high school years I only had a couple of dates and those were chaperoned, In college it was little better. In my whole life the only two women that showed any interest in me did so for their own ulterior motives. My ex-wife saw me as the perfect husband to get her son out of foster care and the lady sailor that I met while the divorce was pending just wanted the pleasure of sex without any attachments. Likewise, an honest assessment of my sexual experience is that I have very little and most of that was with prostitutes. Further more, there is no woman that I know right now who has any interest m me at all. It is rather the classic “let's just be friends.”
I thought that to settle this I might immerse myself in the celebration of Beltaine with three festivals in a row, Beltainia at All World Acres, Body Magick also at All World Acres and Florida Pagan Gathering's Beltaine, but I have had to cut FPG Beltaine off the list due to lack of funds and conflicting commitments. With the sexual overtones of the fertility rites that underly the origins of Beltaine it seemed a good time to come face to face with this aspect of myself. Unfortunately, this can be quite painful especially when coupled with a deep sense of isolation from the others who are also attending these festivals, even from those whom I have regarded as friends. As a fundamentally and basically quiet person, I felt especially isolated and excluded at Body Magick. The “Tantra Puja” was a very powerfully connecting ritual which helped me feel part of the group. The “Moksha Magic” rite also raised energy that was palpable just as it has always been when I participated before, but this time I seemed to be excluded from every one of “Moksha” rites that followed. In the end, I seemed to be as “useless as tits on a boar hog.”
I can sometimes enter and leave a group so unnoticed that I would seem to have been invisible. Again and again everything that the women I meet do and say sends the message that I am as sexually attractive as a stone. This is true whether the woman is seeking a relationship or just a little pleasure.
Under such circumstances and considering that I have many fewer years ahead of me in this life than I have behind, why should I put off monastic ordination. At these two gatherings, practically everyone is divided into couples and among the rest I am excluded from getting together with anyone. Being put down, put off and shoved away eventually gets the message across that one is not desirable. I had thought that I would be approaching monasticism from the most noble and elevated aspirations, but it seems rather that I only accept my Karma in this aspect of life when I am most painfully forced to.
There is a joke about the old fellow who goes to a doctor and says, “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.” Then the doctor says. “Then don't do that.” If seeking to have a romantic relationship keeps causing me such emotional and psychic pain, perhaps I should stop seeking to have a romantic relationship. I left Body Magick to end the pain that I was feeling being around couples and feeling so alone.
On Thursday night of Body Magick, I found myself so dizzy that I couldn't walk straight. Someone seeing me might easily thought that I was drunk, but I was not and it came on without warning. I thought that my blood sugar or blood pressure might be low. I believe that if I took a little snack and rested, it would pass. However, when it had not cleared up by 3 AM, I drove home to check both my blood pressure and blood sugar. When I found that neither of these was the cause, I drove myself to the VA Hospital Emergency Room. After some basic checks and blood work, the doctor diagnosed “benign positional vertigo” and prescribed something for relief of the symptoms. However, before I left the ER, I had a visit from one of the chaplains. We had a very interesting conversation in which I basically explained to her why I am Buddhist and especially what it means to be Tibetan Buddhist. I also explained that I was now trying to decide whether I was to be married or be ordained a monk. She expressed the opinion that she believed I would wind up taking monastic ordination.
Now I need to either write or phone Lama Sonam to discuss my plans. I had agreed to visit Boston in June, but there are going to be monastic ordinations at Spring Retreat at Tibetan Meditation Center in Maryland. Although I don't have the money to make preparations for such a trip or even get my basic monastic necessities, perhaps, even at such a late date, I can get sponsors to help me get there and take the next step on my spiritual journey. Just as this “Journey Through Cancer” has not been just for my own benefit, but for the benefit of all sentient beings, likewise my monastic life will also be for the benefit of all sentient beings.
I signed up for the VA Hospital's weight loss program. I had already started working on losing some weight by using the protein shakes as a substitute for some of my meals. Now I will have professional support and advice to assist me in reaching this goal. As my Primary Care doctor said, when I told him about my weight loss goal, if I lose the weight he can take me off some of my present meds. That is a beautiful prospect, especially since we have been able to eliminate a couple now that my cancer treatments are finished.
As I think about my future as a cancer survivor, I come back to the question of whether I should be a monk. An honest and impartial review of the history of my romantic relationships reveals that I really haven't had any. Through all of my high school years I only had a couple of dates and those were chaperoned, In college it was little better. In my whole life the only two women that showed any interest in me did so for their own ulterior motives. My ex-wife saw me as the perfect husband to get her son out of foster care and the lady sailor that I met while the divorce was pending just wanted the pleasure of sex without any attachments. Likewise, an honest assessment of my sexual experience is that I have very little and most of that was with prostitutes. Further more, there is no woman that I know right now who has any interest m me at all. It is rather the classic “let's just be friends.”
I thought that to settle this I might immerse myself in the celebration of Beltaine with three festivals in a row, Beltainia at All World Acres, Body Magick also at All World Acres and Florida Pagan Gathering's Beltaine, but I have had to cut FPG Beltaine off the list due to lack of funds and conflicting commitments. With the sexual overtones of the fertility rites that underly the origins of Beltaine it seemed a good time to come face to face with this aspect of myself. Unfortunately, this can be quite painful especially when coupled with a deep sense of isolation from the others who are also attending these festivals, even from those whom I have regarded as friends. As a fundamentally and basically quiet person, I felt especially isolated and excluded at Body Magick. The “Tantra Puja” was a very powerfully connecting ritual which helped me feel part of the group. The “Moksha Magic” rite also raised energy that was palpable just as it has always been when I participated before, but this time I seemed to be excluded from every one of “Moksha” rites that followed. In the end, I seemed to be as “useless as tits on a boar hog.”
I can sometimes enter and leave a group so unnoticed that I would seem to have been invisible. Again and again everything that the women I meet do and say sends the message that I am as sexually attractive as a stone. This is true whether the woman is seeking a relationship or just a little pleasure.
Under such circumstances and considering that I have many fewer years ahead of me in this life than I have behind, why should I put off monastic ordination. At these two gatherings, practically everyone is divided into couples and among the rest I am excluded from getting together with anyone. Being put down, put off and shoved away eventually gets the message across that one is not desirable. I had thought that I would be approaching monasticism from the most noble and elevated aspirations, but it seems rather that I only accept my Karma in this aspect of life when I am most painfully forced to.
There is a joke about the old fellow who goes to a doctor and says, “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.” Then the doctor says. “Then don't do that.” If seeking to have a romantic relationship keeps causing me such emotional and psychic pain, perhaps I should stop seeking to have a romantic relationship. I left Body Magick to end the pain that I was feeling being around couples and feeling so alone.
On Thursday night of Body Magick, I found myself so dizzy that I couldn't walk straight. Someone seeing me might easily thought that I was drunk, but I was not and it came on without warning. I thought that my blood sugar or blood pressure might be low. I believe that if I took a little snack and rested, it would pass. However, when it had not cleared up by 3 AM, I drove home to check both my blood pressure and blood sugar. When I found that neither of these was the cause, I drove myself to the VA Hospital Emergency Room. After some basic checks and blood work, the doctor diagnosed “benign positional vertigo” and prescribed something for relief of the symptoms. However, before I left the ER, I had a visit from one of the chaplains. We had a very interesting conversation in which I basically explained to her why I am Buddhist and especially what it means to be Tibetan Buddhist. I also explained that I was now trying to decide whether I was to be married or be ordained a monk. She expressed the opinion that she believed I would wind up taking monastic ordination.
Now I need to either write or phone Lama Sonam to discuss my plans. I had agreed to visit Boston in June, but there are going to be monastic ordinations at Spring Retreat at Tibetan Meditation Center in Maryland. Although I don't have the money to make preparations for such a trip or even get my basic monastic necessities, perhaps, even at such a late date, I can get sponsors to help me get there and take the next step on my spiritual journey. Just as this “Journey Through Cancer” has not been just for my own benefit, but for the benefit of all sentient beings, likewise my monastic life will also be for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 33 – More Impatience and More Progress
Reishi mushrooms are not exactly a culinary delight, but their health benefits, according to natural healing sources, are worth it. They are so tough and woody that you don't actually eat them, but rather you boil them to death to make a broth. About a week ago I could no longer stomach the reishi broth in my “enhanced” Ramen noodles, suggesting that my body no longer needed it, kind of like my body was saying, “Enough, already.” I am still using miso for the broth for my noodles as well as using protein shakes for weight loss. I am even making progress with my weight, but I need to add exercise to my program.
This morning I was sitting at the Firestone store getting new tires on the front of my truck. However, I almost overslept because of two very busy days in a row and waking to the sound of rain that lulled me back to sleep. While I'm definitely recovering from the radiation therapy, it is not progressing as quickly as I would like. I am managing to get more done each day, but I seem to have to take a day or two of rest for every active day. For example, the day before yesterday I started out early getting gas, buying necessities, even getting a new printer and installing it, because all of the old used ones had finally failed. I even managed to transplant the bell pepper plants that my sister bought me two days earlier. However, such an active day meant that yesterday, when I had an appointment at the VA hospital, I barely had enough energy to get there and couldn't even think of doing anything else. Furthermore, today aside from getting tires I really planned to rest, although I did post a few more items on eBay as part of starting back on the “liquidation of my own estate.”
Recently, the Dharma Center had one of our teachers, Khenpo Tultrim Tenzin Rinpoche, here doing teachings, empowerments, and conducting a retreat. I wanted to get to most of them, but only managed to attend the last teaching session. I had to get a couple of my sister's quiches to the Dharma Center, because Khenpo loves what he calls “egg pie.” Actually, I didn't manage to sit through the whole session, because I started to get sleepy in the afternoon. The next time we will have a teacher in town will be the beginning of May but I'll be out of town for all except one day.. Hopefully I'll be able to get to the regular activities at the Dharma Canter.
Tomorrow I hope that I'll have enough energy to work on some things at my sister's house that have needed to be done. I may even be able to get my spare tire mounted back under my truck. I might even be able to get to one of two special AA events in Tampa tomorrow night.
I also hope that I can get my daily practice back on track. At times through all of this, the only thing I managed to do with any consistency was daily offerings. However, even that wasn't done as consistently as I would like, because some days I failed to do them or I left them until the next day to clear away. Nevertheless, it has all been cleared away tonight and the glasses have been washed, in preparation for the offerings in the morning.
This morning I was sitting at the Firestone store getting new tires on the front of my truck. However, I almost overslept because of two very busy days in a row and waking to the sound of rain that lulled me back to sleep. While I'm definitely recovering from the radiation therapy, it is not progressing as quickly as I would like. I am managing to get more done each day, but I seem to have to take a day or two of rest for every active day. For example, the day before yesterday I started out early getting gas, buying necessities, even getting a new printer and installing it, because all of the old used ones had finally failed. I even managed to transplant the bell pepper plants that my sister bought me two days earlier. However, such an active day meant that yesterday, when I had an appointment at the VA hospital, I barely had enough energy to get there and couldn't even think of doing anything else. Furthermore, today aside from getting tires I really planned to rest, although I did post a few more items on eBay as part of starting back on the “liquidation of my own estate.”
Recently, the Dharma Center had one of our teachers, Khenpo Tultrim Tenzin Rinpoche, here doing teachings, empowerments, and conducting a retreat. I wanted to get to most of them, but only managed to attend the last teaching session. I had to get a couple of my sister's quiches to the Dharma Center, because Khenpo loves what he calls “egg pie.” Actually, I didn't manage to sit through the whole session, because I started to get sleepy in the afternoon. The next time we will have a teacher in town will be the beginning of May but I'll be out of town for all except one day.. Hopefully I'll be able to get to the regular activities at the Dharma Canter.
Tomorrow I hope that I'll have enough energy to work on some things at my sister's house that have needed to be done. I may even be able to get my spare tire mounted back under my truck. I might even be able to get to one of two special AA events in Tampa tomorrow night.
I also hope that I can get my daily practice back on track. At times through all of this, the only thing I managed to do with any consistency was daily offerings. However, even that wasn't done as consistently as I would like, because some days I failed to do them or I left them until the next day to clear away. Nevertheless, it has all been cleared away tonight and the glasses have been washed, in preparation for the offerings in the morning.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 32 – Impatience and Progress
As I wrote, the weekend before last had brought a distressing development. It had been almost two weeks since I had been troubled by urinary pain, but the pain had returned that weekend. I could not understand why that might be. I really believed that it was unrelated to my prostate cancer and the radiation treatments. That Monday morning, I called the VA “sick call” line for nursing triage and to see about an appointment with my Primary Care doctor. Fortunately, the nurse put in the order for a urinalysis that day and an appointment the nest day. I'm glad the phenazopyridine does provide some relief.
When I saw my Primary Care physician, he set up for a “stat” cystoscopy. The urologist, taking a look around inside me, said that there was no stone, but that she saw the normal changes that one would expect after radiation therapy. She said that the sensation that the pain was in my penis rather than deeper inside me probably is because the source of the pain is actually my prostate gland. She also said that there is no real cause for concern, but that I need to be patient with the course of recovery from my radiation treatments. Thanks to my Primary Care doctor, I have an effective combination of medications to give me relief from this pain even though it is not perfect.
Of course that day was not without its difficulties. When I was sent from Primary Care to Urology, there was a miscommunication with the clerk, resulting in my being sent from place to place. When I found myself being sent to another general practitioner in order to have a referral to the urologist, I lost my patience and informed the clerk and nurse in the ER that I was going back to my Primary Care clinic to get this straightened out. When I finally got to see the urologist for the cystoscopy, I found out that I had been paged on the hospital PA system, but had not heard it.
It often seems that lessons in patience turn out to be occasions of impatience. In other words I think we need to find just what the limits of our patience are before we start to grow in it. While we consider ourselves to be very patient we don't believe we need to improve in this particular area of our spiritual life. However, when we see just how we fall short in this virtue, we are all the more motivated toward growth in it.
While this return of urinary pain represents less than the desired degree of progress in my recovery from the radiation treatments, I have experienced progress in other areas. By the time I got to the end of the course of my therapy, I no longer did anything but take my treatment, sleep, and eat. However, I now can get a few things done although I may need a day or two of recovery if I take on a little too much in any one day. Nevertheless, I have gotten a few long-neglected small projects completed and a few others started.
This week, by contrast, has had two most auspicious and fortuitous events. First, I had my rheumatology appointment to discuss going back on Enbrel for my arthritis and psoriasis. The nurse practitioner reactivated that prescription and instructed me on how to wean myself off of the prednisone. This is welcome news, because the prednisone was inadequate in treating my arthritis and totally ineffective in treating my psoriasis. Furthermore, the bloating and ravenous appetite that it caused interfere with my present efforts to lose weight.
The second auspicious event this week is the discovery of honeybees in a hollow in one of my sister's oak trees. They have set up residence in the remnant of a dead branch. This presents both an opportunity and a challenge. We no longer have to buy our first bees and even already have some of our tools. However, I not only have to assemble our first hive from the kit that we have, but I also have to figure out the best way to capture the bees or rather to persuade them to leave the tree and move into our hive. My strategy must focus on getting not only the worker bees in it, but also to get the queen to move into it too. I'm really looking forward to working with our very own bees.
As I often say, “The only constant in the universe is change.” Here I am in the middle of changes, some that I prefer over others. While I should perhaps maintain equanimity toward all changes, I think rather that I need to apply myself toward those that represent growth and healing. Nevertheless, as I welcome the positive changes with their growth and recovery, I still must not be discouraged by setbacks and obstacles and challenges. Indeed, these are often the very essentials for spiritual growth.
When I saw my Primary Care physician, he set up for a “stat” cystoscopy. The urologist, taking a look around inside me, said that there was no stone, but that she saw the normal changes that one would expect after radiation therapy. She said that the sensation that the pain was in my penis rather than deeper inside me probably is because the source of the pain is actually my prostate gland. She also said that there is no real cause for concern, but that I need to be patient with the course of recovery from my radiation treatments. Thanks to my Primary Care doctor, I have an effective combination of medications to give me relief from this pain even though it is not perfect.
Of course that day was not without its difficulties. When I was sent from Primary Care to Urology, there was a miscommunication with the clerk, resulting in my being sent from place to place. When I found myself being sent to another general practitioner in order to have a referral to the urologist, I lost my patience and informed the clerk and nurse in the ER that I was going back to my Primary Care clinic to get this straightened out. When I finally got to see the urologist for the cystoscopy, I found out that I had been paged on the hospital PA system, but had not heard it.
It often seems that lessons in patience turn out to be occasions of impatience. In other words I think we need to find just what the limits of our patience are before we start to grow in it. While we consider ourselves to be very patient we don't believe we need to improve in this particular area of our spiritual life. However, when we see just how we fall short in this virtue, we are all the more motivated toward growth in it.
While this return of urinary pain represents less than the desired degree of progress in my recovery from the radiation treatments, I have experienced progress in other areas. By the time I got to the end of the course of my therapy, I no longer did anything but take my treatment, sleep, and eat. However, I now can get a few things done although I may need a day or two of recovery if I take on a little too much in any one day. Nevertheless, I have gotten a few long-neglected small projects completed and a few others started.
This week, by contrast, has had two most auspicious and fortuitous events. First, I had my rheumatology appointment to discuss going back on Enbrel for my arthritis and psoriasis. The nurse practitioner reactivated that prescription and instructed me on how to wean myself off of the prednisone. This is welcome news, because the prednisone was inadequate in treating my arthritis and totally ineffective in treating my psoriasis. Furthermore, the bloating and ravenous appetite that it caused interfere with my present efforts to lose weight.
The second auspicious event this week is the discovery of honeybees in a hollow in one of my sister's oak trees. They have set up residence in the remnant of a dead branch. This presents both an opportunity and a challenge. We no longer have to buy our first bees and even already have some of our tools. However, I not only have to assemble our first hive from the kit that we have, but I also have to figure out the best way to capture the bees or rather to persuade them to leave the tree and move into our hive. My strategy must focus on getting not only the worker bees in it, but also to get the queen to move into it too. I'm really looking forward to working with our very own bees.
As I often say, “The only constant in the universe is change.” Here I am in the middle of changes, some that I prefer over others. While I should perhaps maintain equanimity toward all changes, I think rather that I need to apply myself toward those that represent growth and healing. Nevertheless, as I welcome the positive changes with their growth and recovery, I still must not be discouraged by setbacks and obstacles and challenges. Indeed, these are often the very essentials for spiritual growth.
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