Tuesday night's meditation class here at the Drikung Meditation Center was led by Venerable Konchok Gedun, resident monk of Katsel Dharma Center in Florida. For one so young he gave profound teachings, although perhaps not as profound as a lama or geshe might. One of his favorite prayers to include in the closing prayers at the end of a practice is called, “Using Wisdom and Courage.” As we read the words, as I often do, I saw their applicability to my own life as it has unfolded, but the connections were somewhat clearer, probably thanks to the influence of Jowo Rinpoche. These were my thoughts regarding each verse:
“I rely on you, buddhas and bodhisattvas, until I achieve enlightenment. Please grant me enough wisdom and courage to be free from delusion.” Since I do not have an overabundance of wisdom and courage, indeed sometimes little of either, I need all the help I can get. With regard to delusions, how different am I than the most delusional psychotic? I just share the delusions of a larger group of other people!
“If I am supposed to get sick, let me get sick, and I’ll be happy. May this sickness purify my negative karma and the sickness of all sentient beings.” The cancer with which I have been dealing these many months is just the result of karmic seeds planted in a previous lifetime. It is just pure cause and effect. Nevertheless, it purifies that karma and can even purify other negative karma especially if I can make it benefit others. I can do just that not only by dedicating it to others just as we do with meritorious actions but also by sharing the journey in ways such as this blog.
“If I am supposed to be healed, let all my sickness and confusion be healed, and I’ll be happy. May all sentient beings be healed and filled with happiness.” The very healing that I now believe has been accomplished is not just about physical illness, but also about spiritual illness as well. Every bit of Dharma practice whether in prayers, chants, and sadhanas or in conducting myself differently especially in striving to be of service to others, all of this treats the spiritual illness. Furthermore, all of this I share with all sentient beings.
“If I am supposed to die, let me die and I’ll be happy. May all the delusion and the causes of suffering of beings die.” Death is inevitable, but it need not be meaningless. At the very least my death, when it comes, will be one more example of just that very inevitability as well as the impermanence of everything. Perhaps that will help someone find their way to the path or stay on it
“If I am supposed to live a long life, let me live a long life and I’ll be happy. May my life be meaningful in service to sentient beings.” I really have no clue how long or short the remainder of my life may be, but its true meaning and value comes from being in service to others. There is no greater source of true happiness and joy. I am reminded that “without compassion there is no enlightenment.” However, with compassion there can be enlightenment for all sentient beings.
“If my life is to be cut short, let it be cut short and I’ll be happy. May I and all others be free from attachment and aversion.” The inherent brevity of life makes attachment and aversion useless, since, whether because of change or because of death, we will with absolute certainty be separated from everything to which we are attached or from which we are averse. Perhaps, if my life is short someone else may see just how useless both attachment and aversion are.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 44 – Anticipation, Aspirations, and Reality
As each day brought me closer to my trip to Boston my excitement increased in anticipation of receiving such important teachings and empowerments. To me it is quite significant that the first empowerment will be a Medicine Buddha empowerment which was the first that I received even before I took refuge as a Tibetan Buddhist. Indeed it was why I eventually did take refuge. On that occasion I experienced profound past life memories and also Tibetan Buddhist customs which were so similar to Native American customs with which I had already connected on a deep spiritual level.
All these things made it inevitable that I would seek further opportunities to learn about Tibetan Buddhism after years of studying about Buddhism from Theravadan and Zen perspectives. Zen had always seemed so austere while the Theravadan traditions were more attractive but still remained distant to me. On the other hand, Tibetan Buddhism and even the Tibetan language felt very comfortable and even quite familiar. Now that my cancer treatments are finished and I have recovered from them, I believe I will resume my efforts to learn the language even at the rudimentary level of being able to read the prayers and chants from the Tibetan text if only phonetically at first.
In time I will try to get the books to study the grammar and vocabulary. I must follow up on the feeling of familiarity for the language that I felt during the Medicine Buddha Retreat that was my first direct exposure to Tibetan Buddhism in this lifetime. Perhaps with study it will open up to me. Nevertheless, I believe that I must study and master the Tibetan language, not just for casual use but in order to directly understand teachings whether they are given in Tibetan or English.
My anticipation of this visit to Boston was not disappointed. So far none of the monks or lamas or His Eminence Garchen Rinpoche have arrived. It is only us worker bees in the Center. Nevertheless, staying in the same building as the Jowo Rinpoche Statue and meditating in its presence have been empowering. I am not a morning person, but I have gotten up three mornings in a row before 6 AM. This particular statue of Lord Buddha Shakyamuni is an “emanation” replica of the most revered statue in Tibet. In the end, the power of its presence is so phenomenal. One of the things that is so clear is that I want nothing more than to be a monk as soon as that can be arranged. However, it is best that I follow the sound advice of Lama Sonam whatever that maybe.
I have been working to put together the booklets of the text about which H.E. Garchen Rinpoche will be teaching. Besides tasks that may come up in preparation for his visit, I will also assemble copies of the Thirty-Seven Bodhisattva Practices which will be given to H.E. Garchen Rinpoche as a gift because he is big on giving copies to everyone. It is such a wonderful blessing to be working on a gift for him.
It is also so very special to be here on Saga Dawa for Lama Gursom's teaching and empowerment, because my first empowerment was Medicine Buddha. This time, not only did I feel an energy in the empowerment, his instruction on how to do the practice helped so much to understand the generation phase more than I have before. When we did the practice, it was much better than I had been able to do previously. Lama Gursom is a very special treasure in the Drikung Kagyu order for one so young. Of course like most who start at a monastery as a child, the signs of age do not show like they do on the rest of us.
The Center here does Phowa practice on Friday evenings. I was fortunate that Lama Gursam did the transmission right after his teaching for those of us who had not had it and joined us in the practice after supper. I felt like a kindergarten student in a classroom at MIT. However, I could tell the power of this practice and look forward to being able to fully participate. Furthermore, I look forward to the day that such a practice might bear fruit.
I plan to see Lama Gursam in a few days when he will be doing an animal blessing at an animal shelter. I hope to make an outing of that day by going to visit Bikes Not Bombs in the morning and then meeting the group at the shelter around noon. There is so much to learn from him. I look forward to his teachings in Florida in a few months.
Since I have been here, I have been having a most strange experience. Although I have not really had anything to do with the Tibetan language before around a year ago, I have been having flashes of recognizing not just words but grammar. Unfortunately, I do not yet know the alphabet and can only see this in the transliteration. Nevertheless, it is so striking to see the “parts of speech” and word order in a language I have not yet truly studied. I must start to actually study it as soon as possible. I must add to the alphabet recognition on which I have worked sporadically now a more formal study.
Since staying in the same building as the Jowo Rinpoche Statue and meditating in its presence has brought such great blessings, I cannot imagine what may result when I am not only doing that but also sleeping under the same roof as H. E. Garchen Rinpoche who is regarded by some as a Mahasiddha. He has done so much to spread the Dharma here in the West where it is needed so much. Just thinking about the next weekend turns my mind to the reason for all of this, “Buddhahood for the sake of all sentient beings.”
All these things made it inevitable that I would seek further opportunities to learn about Tibetan Buddhism after years of studying about Buddhism from Theravadan and Zen perspectives. Zen had always seemed so austere while the Theravadan traditions were more attractive but still remained distant to me. On the other hand, Tibetan Buddhism and even the Tibetan language felt very comfortable and even quite familiar. Now that my cancer treatments are finished and I have recovered from them, I believe I will resume my efforts to learn the language even at the rudimentary level of being able to read the prayers and chants from the Tibetan text if only phonetically at first.
In time I will try to get the books to study the grammar and vocabulary. I must follow up on the feeling of familiarity for the language that I felt during the Medicine Buddha Retreat that was my first direct exposure to Tibetan Buddhism in this lifetime. Perhaps with study it will open up to me. Nevertheless, I believe that I must study and master the Tibetan language, not just for casual use but in order to directly understand teachings whether they are given in Tibetan or English.
My anticipation of this visit to Boston was not disappointed. So far none of the monks or lamas or His Eminence Garchen Rinpoche have arrived. It is only us worker bees in the Center. Nevertheless, staying in the same building as the Jowo Rinpoche Statue and meditating in its presence have been empowering. I am not a morning person, but I have gotten up three mornings in a row before 6 AM. This particular statue of Lord Buddha Shakyamuni is an “emanation” replica of the most revered statue in Tibet. In the end, the power of its presence is so phenomenal. One of the things that is so clear is that I want nothing more than to be a monk as soon as that can be arranged. However, it is best that I follow the sound advice of Lama Sonam whatever that maybe.
I have been working to put together the booklets of the text about which H.E. Garchen Rinpoche will be teaching. Besides tasks that may come up in preparation for his visit, I will also assemble copies of the Thirty-Seven Bodhisattva Practices which will be given to H.E. Garchen Rinpoche as a gift because he is big on giving copies to everyone. It is such a wonderful blessing to be working on a gift for him.
It is also so very special to be here on Saga Dawa for Lama Gursom's teaching and empowerment, because my first empowerment was Medicine Buddha. This time, not only did I feel an energy in the empowerment, his instruction on how to do the practice helped so much to understand the generation phase more than I have before. When we did the practice, it was much better than I had been able to do previously. Lama Gursom is a very special treasure in the Drikung Kagyu order for one so young. Of course like most who start at a monastery as a child, the signs of age do not show like they do on the rest of us.
The Center here does Phowa practice on Friday evenings. I was fortunate that Lama Gursam did the transmission right after his teaching for those of us who had not had it and joined us in the practice after supper. I felt like a kindergarten student in a classroom at MIT. However, I could tell the power of this practice and look forward to being able to fully participate. Furthermore, I look forward to the day that such a practice might bear fruit.
I plan to see Lama Gursam in a few days when he will be doing an animal blessing at an animal shelter. I hope to make an outing of that day by going to visit Bikes Not Bombs in the morning and then meeting the group at the shelter around noon. There is so much to learn from him. I look forward to his teachings in Florida in a few months.
Since I have been here, I have been having a most strange experience. Although I have not really had anything to do with the Tibetan language before around a year ago, I have been having flashes of recognizing not just words but grammar. Unfortunately, I do not yet know the alphabet and can only see this in the transliteration. Nevertheless, it is so striking to see the “parts of speech” and word order in a language I have not yet truly studied. I must start to actually study it as soon as possible. I must add to the alphabet recognition on which I have worked sporadically now a more formal study.
Since staying in the same building as the Jowo Rinpoche Statue and meditating in its presence has brought such great blessings, I cannot imagine what may result when I am not only doing that but also sleeping under the same roof as H. E. Garchen Rinpoche who is regarded by some as a Mahasiddha. He has done so much to spread the Dharma here in the West where it is needed so much. Just thinking about the next weekend turns my mind to the reason for all of this, “Buddhahood for the sake of all sentient beings.”
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 43 – Teachers and Technology
Last night I was working on high tech lessons from our teachers. One was a CD with mp3 files of Khenchen Gyaltsen and Khenpo Tsultrim chanting the first two sections of “the Preliminary Practices of the Incomparable Drikung Kagyu” which I copied to my desktop computer and then identified each track. The second was an mpg file of Lama Konchok Sonam chanting the Amitayus Long Life Sadhana that I plan to watch to make notes of the actions for the practice. I even converted that to a DVD that can be played on some of the newer DVD players.
We are most blessed that Tibetan Buddhism has come to the West with such wonderful teachers. However, there are only so many teachers and America is so large that we sometimes see them so seldom. On the other hand we can use the technologies we have to make the most of the visits we do get.
I can use these to help me learn to chant in Tibetan as well as review teachings from such great teachers. During the time of my radiation therapy, I was able to listen to lectures by H. E. Garchen as well as Lama Zopa Rinpoche and Lama Yeshe. While I value everything I am able to learn this way in addition to the great books that are becoming available in English, I realize that they are not a complete substitute for personal teachings and transmissions. Nevertheless, if the choice were between receiving teachings by these newer technological means or not being able to receive them at all because the teachers are not nearby, then we are most fortunate that we have any way to study the Dharma.
I know that all through the process of the diagnosis and treatment of my cancer every book that I read, every teaching and empowerment that I received, every recorded lecture that I heard, every online video of a Dharma talk, every one of these helped me through it all. Moreover, these helped to make this a positive spiritual experience. Furthermore, they turned it from the working out of my own karma to something that can benefit other sentient beings. Even more, they made it clear that the best use of the remainder of my life will be in service to the Dharma for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Perhaps, in the future I can use my technical knowledge and skills also in service of the Dharma. I do know that as easy as things like Skype are to use, we can get teachings despite the distance from our teachers. However, I have to beware the eight worldly dharmas, especially being happy if you become well known or being unhappy if you are not well known as well as being happy if you are praised or being unhappy if you are not praised. Nevertheless, for the good that can be done I have to trust in the help of my sangha and especially my elders in monastic life. This is about more than just me. It is about serving all sentient beings.
It is precisely this that has elevated my “journey through cancer” from the working out or purification of my own karma to something that can help others. Furthermore, this is what elevates all of our life experiences to something that benefits all sentient beings. Isn't that really what we are supposed to do if we have compassion, bodhicitta?
Whether I “sweep the monastery,” set up for a teaching or configure a computer for a video conference with one of our precious teachers, the whole point of it is serving the Dharma. Just as my years as a taxi driver turned into a benefit to my abbot when I became a Russian Orthodox monk and his driver. Similarly, anything that we have ever done, any skill that we have mastered can serve the Dharma as long as we keep from the eight worldly dharmas. On the other hand, if they are a problem to us, it would be better to forget all those skills, and devote ourselves to the study and practice of the Dharma.
For myself, I can only see the benefit in any of the things that I may do if they increase altruistic motivation, promote enlightenment, give birth to bodhicitta, or enhance our compassion. I guess that is the measure for the activities to which I should commit myself. Quite significantly, I find that my aspiration for monastic ordination passes this very test.
We are most blessed that Tibetan Buddhism has come to the West with such wonderful teachers. However, there are only so many teachers and America is so large that we sometimes see them so seldom. On the other hand we can use the technologies we have to make the most of the visits we do get.
I can use these to help me learn to chant in Tibetan as well as review teachings from such great teachers. During the time of my radiation therapy, I was able to listen to lectures by H. E. Garchen as well as Lama Zopa Rinpoche and Lama Yeshe. While I value everything I am able to learn this way in addition to the great books that are becoming available in English, I realize that they are not a complete substitute for personal teachings and transmissions. Nevertheless, if the choice were between receiving teachings by these newer technological means or not being able to receive them at all because the teachers are not nearby, then we are most fortunate that we have any way to study the Dharma.
I know that all through the process of the diagnosis and treatment of my cancer every book that I read, every teaching and empowerment that I received, every recorded lecture that I heard, every online video of a Dharma talk, every one of these helped me through it all. Moreover, these helped to make this a positive spiritual experience. Furthermore, they turned it from the working out of my own karma to something that can benefit other sentient beings. Even more, they made it clear that the best use of the remainder of my life will be in service to the Dharma for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Perhaps, in the future I can use my technical knowledge and skills also in service of the Dharma. I do know that as easy as things like Skype are to use, we can get teachings despite the distance from our teachers. However, I have to beware the eight worldly dharmas, especially being happy if you become well known or being unhappy if you are not well known as well as being happy if you are praised or being unhappy if you are not praised. Nevertheless, for the good that can be done I have to trust in the help of my sangha and especially my elders in monastic life. This is about more than just me. It is about serving all sentient beings.
It is precisely this that has elevated my “journey through cancer” from the working out or purification of my own karma to something that can help others. Furthermore, this is what elevates all of our life experiences to something that benefits all sentient beings. Isn't that really what we are supposed to do if we have compassion, bodhicitta?
Whether I “sweep the monastery,” set up for a teaching or configure a computer for a video conference with one of our precious teachers, the whole point of it is serving the Dharma. Just as my years as a taxi driver turned into a benefit to my abbot when I became a Russian Orthodox monk and his driver. Similarly, anything that we have ever done, any skill that we have mastered can serve the Dharma as long as we keep from the eight worldly dharmas. On the other hand, if they are a problem to us, it would be better to forget all those skills, and devote ourselves to the study and practice of the Dharma.
For myself, I can only see the benefit in any of the things that I may do if they increase altruistic motivation, promote enlightenment, give birth to bodhicitta, or enhance our compassion. I guess that is the measure for the activities to which I should commit myself. Quite significantly, I find that my aspiration for monastic ordination passes this very test.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 42 – An Addendum to Aspirations, Commitments and Promises
Contemplating the path of Tibetan Buddhist monasticism for myself, I have read the monastic precepts in several different translations and from several different traditions. At first glance, it looks like anywhere from around 250 to more than 300 “thou shall nots,” especially to the Western eye influenced by the Judeo-Christian 10 Commandments and countless Levitical laws. However, the bulk of such prohibitions entered into the text because of someone's downfall and the potential of another falling into the same trap. Nevertheless, this can leave one in the condition of “not seeing the forest for the trees.”
When I pull back from the minutia of the individual precepts to view their whole scope, I see a great plan laid out having two sweeping effects. First, growing out of the hard experience of those who have been monks all the way back to the time of Shakyamuni Buddha, we are spared from nonvirtue and its consequent karmic results. We could easily stop there. Indeed many do, but such a view of the precepts could make them burdensome and confining like chains.
On the other hand, however, the second effect is liberating. Everyday laypeople make countless little decisions, what to wear, what to eat and when, which fragrance to use, how to fix their hair, what to do and when, and so many more. For the monastic so many of these decisions are already made by the precepts. Furthermore, many concerns that go with these choices are also removed. Monks and nuns no longer need to consider whether another likes a hairstyle or a fashion choice, because the shaved head and the robes are all the same. They no longer need to plan their day for the most part, because their practice is prescribed by their abbot or abbess or other preceptor. They no longer need to choose food, because it is whatever is provided in alms rounds or the equivalent.
O f course, in the West, some of these conditions may not exist as purely as they are written in the precepts, but the underlying principles still apply. Nevertheless, with such concerns removed and energy not being expended on the lay person's activities for them, time, energy and attention can be focused on study and practice. Instead of striving to gain a promotion in a corporation, the monastic can strive to overcome attachments. Instead of wondering what a neighbor thinks, the monastic can examine his or her thought patterns. Instead of struggling to have the financial resources to pay the mortgage and other bills and still save for the children's education, the monastic can seek the resources to advance toward enlightenment and prepare for death and its transformations.
Needless to say, this is not a complete commentary of the Vinaya, indeed hardly one at all. However, it is just the barest outline of how I see the precepts that will guide my life after I am ordained a Tibettan Buddhist monk as compared to the rules under which I have previously lived as an Orthodox Christian monk. In fact, it is just this kind of self-examination and reflection that reveals the difference between the previous flight from reality and the present radical engagement with it.
While it may be possible to attain enlightenment as a lay person and monastic ordination does not assure enlightenment, the monastic precepts are a valuable aid toward that result. Not only must one stop accumulating negative karma, but one must also accumulate merit instead. Not only must one cease nonvirtue, but one must focus all of one's energies and attention toward the path to enlightenment. Hence we gain by removing all those concerns which bind the householder and taking on the bonds of the precepts which are liberating rather than confining.
Finally, all this would come to nothing without compassion, because every step on the path is for the benefit of all sentient beings.
When I pull back from the minutia of the individual precepts to view their whole scope, I see a great plan laid out having two sweeping effects. First, growing out of the hard experience of those who have been monks all the way back to the time of Shakyamuni Buddha, we are spared from nonvirtue and its consequent karmic results. We could easily stop there. Indeed many do, but such a view of the precepts could make them burdensome and confining like chains.
On the other hand, however, the second effect is liberating. Everyday laypeople make countless little decisions, what to wear, what to eat and when, which fragrance to use, how to fix their hair, what to do and when, and so many more. For the monastic so many of these decisions are already made by the precepts. Furthermore, many concerns that go with these choices are also removed. Monks and nuns no longer need to consider whether another likes a hairstyle or a fashion choice, because the shaved head and the robes are all the same. They no longer need to plan their day for the most part, because their practice is prescribed by their abbot or abbess or other preceptor. They no longer need to choose food, because it is whatever is provided in alms rounds or the equivalent.
O f course, in the West, some of these conditions may not exist as purely as they are written in the precepts, but the underlying principles still apply. Nevertheless, with such concerns removed and energy not being expended on the lay person's activities for them, time, energy and attention can be focused on study and practice. Instead of striving to gain a promotion in a corporation, the monastic can strive to overcome attachments. Instead of wondering what a neighbor thinks, the monastic can examine his or her thought patterns. Instead of struggling to have the financial resources to pay the mortgage and other bills and still save for the children's education, the monastic can seek the resources to advance toward enlightenment and prepare for death and its transformations.
Needless to say, this is not a complete commentary of the Vinaya, indeed hardly one at all. However, it is just the barest outline of how I see the precepts that will guide my life after I am ordained a Tibettan Buddhist monk as compared to the rules under which I have previously lived as an Orthodox Christian monk. In fact, it is just this kind of self-examination and reflection that reveals the difference between the previous flight from reality and the present radical engagement with it.
While it may be possible to attain enlightenment as a lay person and monastic ordination does not assure enlightenment, the monastic precepts are a valuable aid toward that result. Not only must one stop accumulating negative karma, but one must also accumulate merit instead. Not only must one cease nonvirtue, but one must focus all of one's energies and attention toward the path to enlightenment. Hence we gain by removing all those concerns which bind the householder and taking on the bonds of the precepts which are liberating rather than confining.
Finally, all this would come to nothing without compassion, because every step on the path is for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 42 – Aspirations, Commitments and Promises
Last night I attended the meditation class and Dharma talk at our Dharma Center, my first time to see our center president and resident monk since his ordination. It was so wonderful to see how much joy this has brought him. He is such an asset to the center and a treasure for all of us who are committed to the study and practice of the Dharma.
We discussed the fact that arrangements could have been made for me to attend the Spring Retreat and receive ordination the same time he was ordained. However, when Lama Sonam was here, we agreed that after my radiation treatments were finished and I had recovered from them and weather had warmed up in Boston, I should make the trip to spend time at the center there. Furthermore, Lama Gursam will be there for teachings and Medicine Buddha empowerment on the most auspicious day of Saga Dawa. As if that were not enough, our most beloved H.E. Garchen Rinpoche will be there for teachings and empowerments the next weekend after that.
While my aspiration and personal wish would be to be ordained as soon as possible, I feel that my promise, my commitment, to my root lama must come first at least this one time. Furthermore, there are few opportunities like that afforded by these teachers being in Boston when I can make the trip. I could not have made both the retreat and this trip. Therefore, I must set aside my own aspirations for the time being. However, the prospect of my 60th birthday this year makes it clear that I cannot wait too long. As I've recognized before now, it is a simple fact that I have fewer years ahead of me in this lifetime than I have behind me. We often speak of how rare “precious human life” is and I know that I cannot afford to waste it.
I am most fortunate to have the opportunities afforded by such a life. Moreover I am most blessed to have the teachers that I have, from the thousands of little teachers in the bee tree to the fully realized teacher, His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche. Furthermore, to have the guidance of Lama Konchok Sonam, whom I knew instantly that I could trust, is beyond price. Even the guidance of the newly ordained Venerable Konchok Gedun cannot be underestimated, because he, at his young age, has been on this Tibetan Buddhist path much longer in this lifetime than I have.
Right now, I have the commitments made in taking refuge and those of my Ngakkpa ordination to fulfill on a daily basis. While I know that I am not perfect in my fulfillment of these or of my daily practice overall, I can grow in this as I wait for my opportunity for monastic ordination. In the publication PREPARING FOR ORDINATION: Reflections for Westerners Considering Monastic Ordination in the Tibetan Buddhist Tradition, edited by Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron, Upasaka Guy Rom writes, “ I hope to be ordained when I am confident to keep the precepts purely in a peaceful, happy state of mind. Then being ordained will benefit my practice and that in turn will benefit many other people as well. In the meantime, I will try to live according to the precepts while wearing lay clothes and having long hair, and practice being a monastic before actually becoming one.”
This is wise advice for my present circumstances, because I still have to prepare for that big step. I cannot assume that my experience as an Orthodox Christian monk does much to prepare me for Tibetan Buddhist monasticism. There may be some similarities, but it seems that there are greater differences much as there is a difference between “rules” and “precepts” or “samayas.” However, I cannot afford to dwell on such things, but rather I must focus on enhancing my practice and furthering my study which are basic both to my present life as a layman and Ngakpa and to my eventual life as a monk.
I know that I have much work to do, because I continue to suffer the effects of the “three poisons,” ignorance, anger and attachment. Ignorance is perhaps the easiest with which to deal because study on all levels helps to eradicate it. With regard to anger I have made considerable progress over the years, but then there was so much room for improvement because of trouble with rage. Nevertheless, I still have much progress yet to make. However, attachments are probably the hardest to eliminate or even to recognize. I just made the statement last night that I find that when I seek to bend a spiritual rule, I am revealing an attachment. Indeed, almost everything that I do can reveal an attachment since I still have so many. Whether they are attachments to things, persons, concepts, reputation, position, status or any such thing, they are hard to uproot. Nevertheless, it is this work that must be done whether I am a layman or a monk. And yet I do believe that the precepts or vows of a monk help with this.
In all these considerations my aspirations and promises must serve my commitment to the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha, and that not just for myself alone, but rather for the benefit of all sentient beings. Isn't that precisely what I'm talking about when I pray, “In the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha most excellent, I take refuge until enlightenment is reached. By the merit of generosity and other good deeds, May I attain Buddhahood for the sake of all sentient beings.”
We discussed the fact that arrangements could have been made for me to attend the Spring Retreat and receive ordination the same time he was ordained. However, when Lama Sonam was here, we agreed that after my radiation treatments were finished and I had recovered from them and weather had warmed up in Boston, I should make the trip to spend time at the center there. Furthermore, Lama Gursam will be there for teachings and Medicine Buddha empowerment on the most auspicious day of Saga Dawa. As if that were not enough, our most beloved H.E. Garchen Rinpoche will be there for teachings and empowerments the next weekend after that.
While my aspiration and personal wish would be to be ordained as soon as possible, I feel that my promise, my commitment, to my root lama must come first at least this one time. Furthermore, there are few opportunities like that afforded by these teachers being in Boston when I can make the trip. I could not have made both the retreat and this trip. Therefore, I must set aside my own aspirations for the time being. However, the prospect of my 60th birthday this year makes it clear that I cannot wait too long. As I've recognized before now, it is a simple fact that I have fewer years ahead of me in this lifetime than I have behind me. We often speak of how rare “precious human life” is and I know that I cannot afford to waste it.
I am most fortunate to have the opportunities afforded by such a life. Moreover I am most blessed to have the teachers that I have, from the thousands of little teachers in the bee tree to the fully realized teacher, His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche. Furthermore, to have the guidance of Lama Konchok Sonam, whom I knew instantly that I could trust, is beyond price. Even the guidance of the newly ordained Venerable Konchok Gedun cannot be underestimated, because he, at his young age, has been on this Tibetan Buddhist path much longer in this lifetime than I have.
Right now, I have the commitments made in taking refuge and those of my Ngakkpa ordination to fulfill on a daily basis. While I know that I am not perfect in my fulfillment of these or of my daily practice overall, I can grow in this as I wait for my opportunity for monastic ordination. In the publication PREPARING FOR ORDINATION: Reflections for Westerners Considering Monastic Ordination in the Tibetan Buddhist Tradition, edited by Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron, Upasaka Guy Rom writes, “ I hope to be ordained when I am confident to keep the precepts purely in a peaceful, happy state of mind. Then being ordained will benefit my practice and that in turn will benefit many other people as well. In the meantime, I will try to live according to the precepts while wearing lay clothes and having long hair, and practice being a monastic before actually becoming one.”
This is wise advice for my present circumstances, because I still have to prepare for that big step. I cannot assume that my experience as an Orthodox Christian monk does much to prepare me for Tibetan Buddhist monasticism. There may be some similarities, but it seems that there are greater differences much as there is a difference between “rules” and “precepts” or “samayas.” However, I cannot afford to dwell on such things, but rather I must focus on enhancing my practice and furthering my study which are basic both to my present life as a layman and Ngakpa and to my eventual life as a monk.
I know that I have much work to do, because I continue to suffer the effects of the “three poisons,” ignorance, anger and attachment. Ignorance is perhaps the easiest with which to deal because study on all levels helps to eradicate it. With regard to anger I have made considerable progress over the years, but then there was so much room for improvement because of trouble with rage. Nevertheless, I still have much progress yet to make. However, attachments are probably the hardest to eliminate or even to recognize. I just made the statement last night that I find that when I seek to bend a spiritual rule, I am revealing an attachment. Indeed, almost everything that I do can reveal an attachment since I still have so many. Whether they are attachments to things, persons, concepts, reputation, position, status or any such thing, they are hard to uproot. Nevertheless, it is this work that must be done whether I am a layman or a monk. And yet I do believe that the precepts or vows of a monk help with this.
In all these considerations my aspirations and promises must serve my commitment to the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha, and that not just for myself alone, but rather for the benefit of all sentient beings. Isn't that precisely what I'm talking about when I pray, “In the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha most excellent, I take refuge until enlightenment is reached. By the merit of generosity and other good deeds, May I attain Buddhahood for the sake of all sentient beings.”
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 41 – Our Teachers
Friday before last, our Center held a memorial for a Dharma sister who was much beloved and influential in many people's lives, including mine. Although I was fortunate enough to know her, it was not for a very long time.
As I described in “Chapter 10 – The Spiritual Preparations,” I was fortunate to spend time in a retreat and with my root lama just before starting radiation therapy. It was around this same time that I met our beloved Carmen. At this critical time in my life she said some of the most important and influential things to guide me through this journey. She talked about living the Dharma in our daily affairs. Of course, this was just before I really needed to do just that. Therefore, although I had not intended to say anything at the memorial only wishing to be there to honor her, I had to briefly say that she had done so much for me with her words at such an important time.
It is easy to see that Lama Konchok Sonam and Khenpo Tsultrim are my teachers. However, Carmen is no less one of my teachers as well, just as are the newly ordained Venerable Konchok Gedun and all my other vajra brothers and sisters. Properly valuing my teachers is quite important right now, because I am about to make a trip to Boston to attend teachings and empowerments from both Lama Gursam and H.E. Garchen Rinpoche. Not only that, but I will be able to participate in the daily life at the Tibetan Meditation Center there and get personal guidance from my root lama.
Last night, for the first time this season, I was able to attend a “Sobriety Sweat” sweat lodge led by my friend Jimmy. One of the profound realizations that came from this particular lodge is that the colony of bees that I am trying to get into a hive are thousands of small teachers for me. While I had thought that I was working to save the lives of other sentient beings, I had no idea of the great service that they were doing for me. Nevertheless, it should not be such a surprise, because, as a Native American descendant, I have understood “totem animals” as spiritual guides and teachers and messengers. Honeybees are just a little smaller than most of these.
Furthermore, I can now see that my current monastic “calling” is not merely the repetition of old patterns but rather a more mature following of my karmic path. Likewise, it is most fortunate that I have this opportunity. As I contemplate my next birthday being my 60th, three things are clear: 1) no opportunity to learn can be neglected, 2) every teacher must be treasured and 3) at my age, I have no time to waste. Therefore, monastic ordination both removes the obstacles that ordinary life presents to the path to enlightenment and also offers me the opportunity to serve the Dharma at the very least as a helper for our great teachers.
For this reason, one of the most important things that I may accomplish during my stay in Boston just might be planning for my ordination, when, where, and how. I would love to be able to return from there as a novice monk, a getsul. While that may be more than I can expect, I can truly hope that I shall have been able to plan for it and commit myself to it.
At any rate, in the short term, I look forward to seeing my vajra brother Venerable Konchok Gedun to personally congratulate him on his ordination. However, in the intermediate term, I look forward both to receiving teachings from the great teachers who will be in Boston and to serving these same teachers. Finally, in the long term, I look forward to my own ordination and the commitment to the Dharma our teachers who serve it that ordination entails.
As I described in “Chapter 10 – The Spiritual Preparations,” I was fortunate to spend time in a retreat and with my root lama just before starting radiation therapy. It was around this same time that I met our beloved Carmen. At this critical time in my life she said some of the most important and influential things to guide me through this journey. She talked about living the Dharma in our daily affairs. Of course, this was just before I really needed to do just that. Therefore, although I had not intended to say anything at the memorial only wishing to be there to honor her, I had to briefly say that she had done so much for me with her words at such an important time.
It is easy to see that Lama Konchok Sonam and Khenpo Tsultrim are my teachers. However, Carmen is no less one of my teachers as well, just as are the newly ordained Venerable Konchok Gedun and all my other vajra brothers and sisters. Properly valuing my teachers is quite important right now, because I am about to make a trip to Boston to attend teachings and empowerments from both Lama Gursam and H.E. Garchen Rinpoche. Not only that, but I will be able to participate in the daily life at the Tibetan Meditation Center there and get personal guidance from my root lama.
Last night, for the first time this season, I was able to attend a “Sobriety Sweat” sweat lodge led by my friend Jimmy. One of the profound realizations that came from this particular lodge is that the colony of bees that I am trying to get into a hive are thousands of small teachers for me. While I had thought that I was working to save the lives of other sentient beings, I had no idea of the great service that they were doing for me. Nevertheless, it should not be such a surprise, because, as a Native American descendant, I have understood “totem animals” as spiritual guides and teachers and messengers. Honeybees are just a little smaller than most of these.
Furthermore, I can now see that my current monastic “calling” is not merely the repetition of old patterns but rather a more mature following of my karmic path. Likewise, it is most fortunate that I have this opportunity. As I contemplate my next birthday being my 60th, three things are clear: 1) no opportunity to learn can be neglected, 2) every teacher must be treasured and 3) at my age, I have no time to waste. Therefore, monastic ordination both removes the obstacles that ordinary life presents to the path to enlightenment and also offers me the opportunity to serve the Dharma at the very least as a helper for our great teachers.
For this reason, one of the most important things that I may accomplish during my stay in Boston just might be planning for my ordination, when, where, and how. I would love to be able to return from there as a novice monk, a getsul. While that may be more than I can expect, I can truly hope that I shall have been able to plan for it and commit myself to it.
At any rate, in the short term, I look forward to seeing my vajra brother Venerable Konchok Gedun to personally congratulate him on his ordination. However, in the intermediate term, I look forward both to receiving teachings from the great teachers who will be in Boston and to serving these same teachers. Finally, in the long term, I look forward to my own ordination and the commitment to the Dharma our teachers who serve it that ordination entails.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 40 – Officially from the Oncologist
Monday I had my appointment with the radiation oncologist to get the “official” word on the results the tests. Of course, following the current protocols in oncology today, he won't say anything definitive yet about whether we got the tumor, but he did say that the PSA test value of 1.7 was excellent. Furthermore, his digital rectal exam did not detect anything at all. Finally, he agreed that the absence of any prostate symptoms was also a good indication.
He wants to see me in another three months with another PSA test, as we continue the “surveillance” phase of the treatment plan. I do understand from the books I've read and the experience of other patients that I won't be declared a “survivor” officially until several years have passed cancer free. Nevertheless, I have pulled out the “I am a survivor” t-shirt that I bought weeks ago, even before my treatments were finished. I plan to start wearing it, because I now consider myself a survivor. I really don't care whether I meet the criteria to be “officially” a survivor. I am one now.
Once again I have survived another brush with death. However, I must not lose sight of the spiritual significance of this experience. Although death has come close and yet I still remain alive, I must remember that my death sooner of later will occur, possibly without warning. I can never know how long I have left to live. Nevertheless, the certainty of death and change are great truths with which we must come to terms. Furthermore, this helps us to establish the true value of everything else in our lives.
With that perspective, distractions which divert us from the path to enlightenment for ourselves and all other sentient beings are bad. On the other hand' everything that serves the cause of enlightenment for ourselves and all other sentient beings is good. Compassion, which is prerequisite to enlightenment, must have the highest value in our lives. Indeed, it is the force for all the good in our world, but its absence is a source of evil in our world. All the usual pursuits to accumulate money, property, fame and such are worthless. Furthermore, what we do to benefit ourselves alone is of little value, but what we do for the enlightenment of all sentient beings is of the greatest value.
He wants to see me in another three months with another PSA test, as we continue the “surveillance” phase of the treatment plan. I do understand from the books I've read and the experience of other patients that I won't be declared a “survivor” officially until several years have passed cancer free. Nevertheless, I have pulled out the “I am a survivor” t-shirt that I bought weeks ago, even before my treatments were finished. I plan to start wearing it, because I now consider myself a survivor. I really don't care whether I meet the criteria to be “officially” a survivor. I am one now.
Once again I have survived another brush with death. However, I must not lose sight of the spiritual significance of this experience. Although death has come close and yet I still remain alive, I must remember that my death sooner of later will occur, possibly without warning. I can never know how long I have left to live. Nevertheless, the certainty of death and change are great truths with which we must come to terms. Furthermore, this helps us to establish the true value of everything else in our lives.
With that perspective, distractions which divert us from the path to enlightenment for ourselves and all other sentient beings are bad. On the other hand' everything that serves the cause of enlightenment for ourselves and all other sentient beings is good. Compassion, which is prerequisite to enlightenment, must have the highest value in our lives. Indeed, it is the force for all the good in our world, but its absence is a source of evil in our world. All the usual pursuits to accumulate money, property, fame and such are worthless. Furthermore, what we do to benefit ourselves alone is of little value, but what we do for the enlightenment of all sentient beings is of the greatest value.
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