Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 81 – Interminable Delay and Agonizing Waiting

When my PSA first went above the 4.0 upper limit of “normal,” starting this journey through cancer, I began a process of finding out its significance which was characterized by long delays between the steps of the process. First, I had to be evaluated by urology for them to decide whether a biopsy was warranted. After the biopsy, I had to wait for its results. After those results, I had to wait to set up a treatment plan. After the treatment had been planned, I had to wait for the treatments to actually begin. Those 45 radiation treatments took more than nine weeks to complete. Even after those treatments, it took a long time for me to recover from their aftereffects.

At this point I had thought I would be expecting soon to hear that I was free of cancer. Instead, I have begun a new cycle of interminable delay and agonizing waiting. It has been a month since I got the unwelcome lab results of a PSA which had more than doubled from the previous reading. While I know that it has been long enough that it would be appropriate to order a new PSA test to confirm that increase, I found out that no such test has been ordered until September and then I would not get those results until December or January. I don't consider that an acceptable delay!!

I decided that it was now time to be my own patient advocate. A little assertiveness would be required. First I could contact the urology oncology clinic to have them order a PSA test before my upcoming appointment. If that didn't work, I could call my primary care physician to do the same. I was fairly sure that he would order it if the urology oncology clinic didn't, because he had ordered it before the appointment I was to have had which I changed to see him sooner.

In the end the nurse manager of my primary care clinic told me to simply go to the outpatient lab and ask them to go ahead and draw blood for the tests ordered for September. When I did, there was no problem. Now I not only had the PSA test, but also the rest of the fasting labs for my appointment with my primary care doctor.

With the test results in the computer, I went to my urology oncology appointment where I found out that my PSA had gone back down to 1.3, a very acceptable level. It seems that the 2.6 was just a “bounce.” I had read about the phenomenon whereby some patients who had had radiation therapy would have a high PSA some time in their second year after treatment. Therefore, I was not facing a return of my cancer at this time, but rather could still consider myself cancer-free even without that “official” designation.

However, I have to realize that the most unpleasant aspects of this experience came from losing sight of the most basic principles of mindfulness. I was not dealing with what was here and now, but rather with what might be. At any moment there are infinite possibilities for “what might be,” but there is only one set of phenomena in my experience which are actually here and now. It is only that with which I may interact. Furthermore, I had narrowed my focus to think only of myself, even then forgetting that, whatever the course of this particular journey, it originated in the fruition of karmic seeds that I had myself planted.

How much have I gone through during the two plus years of this “Journey through Cancer” that has been transformed from the mere endurance of what was required to burn up the negative karma into something positive that could benefit others? Such a transformation was only possible because of the tiny bit of Dharma active in my life. Now that I am a novice monk, devoted to the Dharma, I forgot all of that for these weeks?

While I am ashamed of such a lapse, I remember that I am not a fully realized being, but merely one who is on the path occasionally falling into the ditch. The wisdom of the abbot leaving my name unchanged again manifests in the reminder that it contains. Our goal is enlightenment, buddhahood, for the benefit of all sentient beings, but I am not there yet!

The Unexpected Fulfillment of my Monastic Aspiration - Epilogue

On the 25th day of the 4th month of the Year of the Tiger (7th of June 2010), at 3:45 pm, I was ordained with the name Konchok Jangchup Dorje.

The days and weeks since that momentous event in my life have been a continuing process of revelation and motivation toward spiritual progress. Of course, this has not been without its difficulties and missteps along the way. There has definitely been a learning curve both for myself and for those around me. Whether it is my new wardrobe or my greater priority for attending every activity of the Dharma Center, it is both a matter of my own exercise of will and an adjustment on the part of family and friends.

Although we have Thai Buddhist monks here, being the only Tibetan Buddhist monk in this small town, creates a learning opportunity for everyone I meet as I go about normal errands. I am even the only Tibetan Buddhist monk visiting the VA Hospital when I go for my medical appointments. My last time keeping such an appointment, a VA police officer approached me and asked what kind of monk I am. About an hour later a fellow veteran approached with the same question.

As my Lama had already told me and I had already experienced while traveling, my robes create opportunities to share the Dharma in small bits. These are not times for extensive teachings, but rather moments for the most succinct statements both to answer the question and to stimulate curiosity. This can vary from the Muslim who asks whether we believe in a God, to which I answer, “It is not required,” to the former Baptist who asks who Buddha is, to which I answer, “A man who achieved enlightenment and taught the rest of us how to achieve it.”

There is a serious responsibility to answer such questions with the best answer that I can give, which serves to motivate me toward study. I had hoped to be able to enroll in more classes from Dharmakirti College by now, but constraints on time and money prevent it for the time being. Instead, I am pulling out my notebook and textbooks from the course I already took from them to review that material. Additionally, I am creating flash cards, both computer and physical, to memorize the “enumerations” such as “six trainings” and “five Buddha families.” Additionally, I shall review notes from all the teachings that I have attended and review or even reread the basic books that I have read over the years., sort of my own course.

Things have evolved with our Dharma Center such that we can no longer meet in the private home where we had been holding our twice-weekly classes and group practices. We have found a public venue for one day, but I am continuing the search for at least one other venue to try to keep up the level of practice that the group had previously. Toward this end, I believe that my being a monk facilitates the process, although any site found will still be referred to the “Katsel Meditation Tampa” board for confirmation.

Although I am well aware that I am not a qualified teacher for much of anything, I plan to talk with my Lama when I see him in Boston about whether I might be able to teach the most basic of things when needed. I am certain that even with such fundamental subjects there is always more to learn, but I may be able to do some good with regard to helping beginners. Nevertheless, this is but one of the many things that I know that I need to talk over with my Lama face to face.

Just as my name ever reminds me that our goal is enlightenment, Buddhahood, which I have not yet achieved, I also remember that that is not for myself alone, but for the benefit of all sentient beings. Likewise, my ordination is not for myself alone, but for the benefit of all sentient beings. This is still only the beginning of that to which I have committed the rest of my life. I still have to continue the process of cleaning out this little house, getting rid of all the stuff packed into it that no longer serves a purpose with regard to my monastic life. The challenge in that process is not only to get rid of it but also to find some way for it to benefit others.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 80 - On the Road Again

During the time of my recovery from radiation therapy for prostate cancer, I had trouble develop in my little pickup truck. I broke one of my rules for taking care of a vehicle properly, letting the gas tank get below ¼ tank. As a result the fuel filter got clogged up. However, I did not find out about it until I returned from my trip to Boston last year. Before I left, it had merely “sputtered” when starting at a stoplight. When I got back, it would crank but not stay running. Since my experience suggested that this would be a clogged fuel filter, I bought a fuel as well as air filters.

However, by this time a new aftereffect of the radiation therapy had developed, rectal bleeding. This began to seriously impair my ability to do lots of things. Often I would have to sprint to the bathroom, not always successfully, trying to avoid a “bowel accident.” This symptom persisted even after cauterizing, what I called “arc welding,” had stopped all the lesions from bleeding. Furthermore, it took some time for strength and stamina to start improving. Nevertheless, working a little along, I began replacing filters and changing spark plugs and even tracing fuel lines to find the fuel filter. Aggravatingly the fuel filter was nowhere near the locations for it that were shown in repair manuals or suggested by friends.

Ultimately, lacking sufficient manual strength and dexterity, I had to ask for help. In the course of my recovery, it has been important that I regain the ability to do the things that I am accustomed to doing. While it is always hard to ask for help, this aspect of recovery of one's health makes it just that much more difficult. Nevertheless, having asked, I received help from the friend of a friend. The fuel filter was changed, the distributor cap and rotor was replaced, and a new battery was installed. The little “monk-mobile” is running beautifully. Moreover, several people gained the merit that comes from helping a monk and we were able to help a young man having difficulty in this bad economic times.

I still have a couple of simple tasks to do myself, cleaning the windows and windshield and changing the oil. I'll also need to get things out of the interior of the truck that really don't belong there and start putting my tools back into the truck box. Furthermore, I think I may need to put a locking gas cap on it, because I seem to have had some fuel siphoned from it during this long period that it sat without moving.

Even in so mundane a thing as vehicle repair, we are not doing it for ourselves alone, but for the benefit of others also. In this instance, it helped the young man who did the work, accrued merit to those who made it happen, and shall further benefit those whom I may now better serve.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 79 – As the Journey Continues – Disappointing Labs

Monday I had another appointment with the oncologist which I had expected to show continued progress. However, whereas my previous PSA test value had been 1.1, this one was 2.6, more than double, and heading in the wrong direction. Needless to say, I was disappointed, but I understand that a single lab result does not make a trend. Too many other things could cause an elevated PSA result for us to conclude that the cancer is back. We just have to monitor this, but we cannot take it for granted, because it is not a good change.

Nevertheless, I plan to resume my program of alternative treatments in the meantime. I shall again make my “medicinal noodles” with the Reishi broth and Shitake mushrooms and broccoli. I will again be drinking green tea with lemongrass. I shall also commence the Tibetan inner yoga practice that I just learned at Spring Retreat, “ the one cure for a hundred illnesses.” I had previously used a form of visualization with a meditation for mobilizing the “healer within.” This will definitely be more advanced and hopefully more powerful and effective.

As things had been progressing, it had seemed reasonable that this appointment would have continued the same trend of steadily improving lab results. My “Journey Through Cancer” was wrapping up both in life and in this blog. I had even taken ordination as a Tibetan Buddhist monk which would have helped shape the final blog entries as well as the conclusion of any book derived from this blog. However, life usually doesn't follow such neat patterns and hasn't in this case. Nevertheless, I find it not coincidental that I just learned this inner yoga practice at Spring Retreat and did so after my ordination.

Throughout this “Journey Through Cancer” my Buddhist faith has provided me with the tools to cope with the difficulties that it presented. Indeed, I have been able to find means to turn the negatives into positives, to make the purification of my karma the occasion of gaining merit through its benefit to others. It may now have provided a tool for dealing with a health problem at such an early stage that other means may not be required. Nevertheless, I shall continue to use all the tools that I am provided as I continue the journey a little farther.

Among the tools that I now have are the ten precepts of the novice monk or getsul/sramanera. According to these precepts I am to avoid:

“ 1. killing (To break from the root, one must kill a human being with intention);

2. taking what is not given (stealing) (To break from the root, one must steal something that could bring about legal intervention in one's society);

3. sexual intercourse (To break from the root, one must have intention and experience orgasm. This refers to heterosexual or homosexual contact.);

4. lying (To break from the root, one must lie about one's spiritual attainments);

5. taking intoxicants (This includes alcohol and recreational drugs);

6. singing, dancing, playing music;

7. wearing perfume, ornaments or cosmetics to beautify the body;

8. sitting on a high or expensive bed or throne;

9. eating after midday;

10. touching gold, silver or precious objects (including money). ”

Unfortunately, I had to start out bending the last two from the very beginning, because of diabetes and because of the bus trip. Nevertheless, I cannot afford to be casual about such “bending” of either of them. Any eating after midday must be regarded as something done out of medical necessity and not something from which to derive pleasure. Likewise, I must minimize my handling of money without ever losing sight of the fact that any handling of it still is contrary to the precept no matter how unavoidable the situation may be at the time.

When I stated that it was unlikely that I would ever be a Lama, it was pointed out to me by someone who is worthy to be heeded that just by keeping my vows I would be teaching others. I may never keep all the vows perfectly all the time, but as long as I never break them and purify and restore any that are “bent” I shall be progressing on this path. One day I will be able to take full monastic ordination as a bhikksu or gelong with all the couple of hundred precepts. My commitment is such that if I were offered such ordination tomorrow, I would do it without reservation just as I had no reservations when I took this ordination so few days ago.

As my name continues to be a reminder, our goal is enlightenment, not for ourselves alone but for all sentient beings. A tiny bit of Dharma has brought me this far in my “Journey Through Cancer.” Truly learning and living the Dharma can carry each of us so much farther!

The Unexpected Fulfillment of My Monastic Aspiration, part 3

The Spring Retreat is drawing to a close and so much in my life has changed in such a short time. I have received such profound and thoroughly practical teachings from both Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche and Drupon Thinley Ningpo Rinpoche as well as the very deep instruction from Khenpo Choepel. All of these not only advance my knowledge and understanding, but are going to have the effect of deepening my practice. Furthermore, their effects should extend far beyond the shrine out into the world of my daily life.

With these changes in my life I shall have to spend some time talking to my Lama at length. I need his guidance for everything from when to wear my chugou to what my role should be at our Dharma center since I am not qualified to teach. Nevertheless, I am firm in my commitment and am prepared to accept the challenges that I may possibly face. I have come to realize the wisdom of my name staying the same as my original Dharma name. Now, having been addressed as “Konchok Jangchup” for several days, I realize that I keep getting refocused on our goal “Jangchup,” “ Enlightenment.” While I am still a long way from that goal, it helps to be reminded repeatedly that we do seek Buddhahood for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Since the day that, with the aid of friends, I formally renounced my Eastern Orthodox monastic vows, I had been reevaluating the matter of sexuality versus celibacy. Nevertheless, it would seem that it is my karma to remain celibate, because, despite everything, even the opportunity for sex eluded me. At least this time I know that I am not fleeing a bad relationship, but instead I am following another course for a higher purpose. Just as I had recognized that fully accepting my own mortality and the impermanence that teaches us that we never know when the time of our death may come, causing me to realize that there was no better way to benefit all sentient beings than as a monk, I also saw that celibacy was not such a great sacrifice. Indeed, my age and medical conditions may remove the possibility of sexual activity soon anyway.

I feel that this Retreat, both from the profound teachings that I have received and from the interaction with other retreatants, has moved me from Kindergarten to Elementary School as a Tibetan Buddhist practitioner. However, it seemed quite clear that some of the lay practitioners were far beyond that level already. Nevertheless, my karma and life experience seem to be propelling me at an incredible pace as long as I am willing to accept spiritual training as it comes and not insist on controlling everything, fully recognizing that any such “ control” is merely an illusion. Although I never surfed or raced sailboats, life can be a little like those sports, because you are reading great natural forces and adjusting your course accordingly. Furthermore, just like those sports the more finely attuned your actions are to the forces involved, the faster and more exciting the ride. I cannot know precisely where it is leading me, but to the limited extent that I have control in my intent and aspirations, I am aiming toward enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings.

The Unexpected Fulfillment of My Monastic Aspiration, part

The day after my ordination, I find that I am again, at my age, learning how to dress myself. I approximated the way Lama G helped me put on my shantab, but I later found out that I didn't get it quite right. Also I am stuck wearing no socks because white and black are colors that I am not supposed to wear and I only brought white socks with me. This part of my new life as a Tibetan Buddhist monk is almost comical.

On the other hand, when I read the Opening Prayers before the teachings, I discovered a new intensity in my praying. Indeed there is a new force I am bringing to them from within me, the greater force of will arising out of my greater commitment to the path of enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. This is something that has grown over the course of my “Journey Through Cancer” from the diagnosis, through the radiation treatments, through the recovery from the radiation therapy. A tiny bit of Dharma carried this baby Buddhist through what could otherwise have been a nightmare, as it is sometimes for some people. The commitment of my vows just builds on this. Furthermore, the intense and concrete sense of my own mortality and the acute awareness of impermanence add even more motivation.

Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche often talks in his teachings about practicing the Dharma all the time. He isn't talking about sadhana practice in a Shrine Room or Temple, but rather taking our Dharma practice out into our everyday world. In addition, as he was leaving here for a couple of days, not knowing whether he would see me again before I leave for Florida, he gave me some parting words of advice as my Khenpo, my abbot. They covered a range from how to wear my robes to how to be of service by keeping my vows.

As I have gone through my second day after ordination, I find myself having difficulty accepting the honor accorded me as a monk, even the most junior of the monastics here. Nevertheless, I try to remember that I should receive it for the benefit of those who truly deserve it. Furthermore, there are matters of protocol which are now part of my life, at least of the sake of order. Indeed, henceforth my position in any group of monastics is not determined by anyone's “worthiness,” but rather by either being a fully ordained monk or novice monk and according to the date and time of one's ordination.

With regard to my not so new monastic name, the consensus among the retreatants who have been here during the weekdays is that whenever I don't use the whole name I should be known as Venerable Konchok Jangchup since there is already a Venerable Konchok Dorje. Since I have had several name changes for religious reasons already, I don't have a strong attachment to any particular one, although I did start to respond to “John,” when another retreatant was addressed today.

After the day's teachings, I had to go to the store for disposable razors, because shaving my head finished off those I had brought. Although some people have thought I might face some kind of harassment wearing my robes on the street, I have received only positive responses from people if they showed any interest at all. In fact, at one store a young Muslim woman told me that I was the first Buddhist monk she had ever met and that she had wanted to find somewhere to learn more about Buddhism. I gave her the address of the Tibetan Meditation Center since I did not have its telephone number. Just as my Lama has said, wearing the robes creates opportunities to share the Dharma. Of course, I am aware that I only know a little and only have a little of it in practice and thus can only share a little of it,

The Unexpected Fulfillment of My Monastic Aspiration, part 1

Last Thursday I had my interview with Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche. My chief questions for him pertained to my aspiration to be ordained as a monk. I asked him when it would be likely to occur and what I should do in the meantime. After we had talked a little while, he told me that it could be done before I went back to Florida. However, my robes were in my chest of drawers in Florida. Nevertheless, I asked and found that there was a bin of "hand-me-down" robes in which I was able to fine all but two minor items. These I was able to purchase quite reasonably from the business from which I had ordered the same items.
Thus in just a couple of days everything came together for me to be ordained so unexpectedly. However, still almost doubting that it would really happen, I hardly told anyone even my Lama. When I did speak of it, I would always preface my statement with "barring any unforeseen problem." Even on the day it was to happen, when other retreatants would ask about it being scheduled, I would say, "That's what I understand."
On the twenty-fifth day of the Fourth month of the Year of the Tiger (the Seventh of June 2010), at 3:45 p.m., I was ordained with the name Konchok Jangchup Dorje. This is a most auspicious day to be ordained into the Drikung Kagyu order, because we celebrated the anniversary of the parinirvana of the founder of the order, Lord Jigten Sumgon. At one point in the ritual I teared up, overwhelmed with joy of the moment.