Dharma Practice Tonight

Tonight at Drikung Meditation Center Boston, we had sadhana practice. We were a small group, but that is not important. Wednesday nights are scheduled as Vajrasattva practice. This is the first time since I returned from Spring Retreat ordained for me to do this practice. I had planned to do it several times, but something always happened.

I had almost forgotten how good this particular practice makes me feel. It is like the best of Orthodox Christian confession and then more. This seemed all the more intense tonight because of the added force that the commitment that my vows represent adds to these prayers. Furthermore, the extent to which circumstances have made me “bend” the samayas (without breaking them) adds a degree of urgency to my need for such cleansing. I only know that I need to ask Lama how I may integrate this particular practice in my overall practices.

Thrifting around Boston

I went “thrifting” this afternoon. Actually it was a modest excursion heading to just one store, because, much to my surprise, thrift stores are few and far between in the Boston metropolitan area. There are none in Arlington and only a few in Cambridge. Others are scattered around Boston and its suburbs, few easily accessible by public transit.

Unfortunately, for the store I chose, it was the wrong day in the wrong week. The volunteers that run it apparently took vacation and, furthermore, the store is only open Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Even then the hours are rather short. I'll have to try again next week, perhaps making a two store trip.

At least I did get to see a little corner of Harvard. I really wasn't up to walking over that much of such a large campus. An interesting feature was the space behind one library which was little more than an alley, but had been made into a kind of park with benches, trees, and bicycle racks. In the nearby shopping area I saw another alley between two buildings which was actually more of a pedestrian mall.

While I was in that area, I had an interesting encounter. A strangely-mannered young man came up to me inquiring whether we had a monastery in the area. I then explained about being here to assist in preparing for His Holiness' teachings. Before we parted ways he told me that I have “good energy.” I really don't know what transpired, but it seemed that his day was made better by our brief conversation.

Nevertheless, I remain puzzled by the scarcity of thrift shops in this area. Back in Florida they are quite common. My hometown which is quite small has four, at least. Nearby Tampa has many more. I do not understand why a metropolitan area as large as Boston does not have even more that Tampa. At least the one in which I attempted to shop promises to be a good one because the seem to have a lot of space and there location near Harvard would suggest that they might get good donations.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 82 – The End of This Book - Maybe

If I am able to fulfill my Lama's wishes this blog that I have written over the course of this particular journey is to be turned into a book. In a work of fiction the final chapter brings everything neatly to a close, leaving no loose ends, although perhaps providing the basis for a sequel. Of course, in life things don't work out in such a neat and tidy way. Nevertheless, this real life story has come close to such an ending of this phase.

My cancer has been successfully treated although I still await the “cancer-free” designation. At the same time I am entering on a new phase of my life as a Tibetan Buddhist monk.

In a fictional tale I would have been declared cancer-free by the oncologist and then gone to be ordained a monk and the moved into a monastery. In real life, my ordination was unscheduled and unexpected, the status of my cancer was unknown at that time, and there really isn't a monastery in our lineage for me to enter. Furthermore, right after the ordination I had a high PSA result which could have indicated the return of my cancer or even metastasis. Of course, I am grateful that it was merely what they call a “bounce.”

Nevertheless, I cannot complain about the way things have turned out so far. I was ordained on the day for the commemoration of the parinirvana of the founder of our order. The robes I had for my ordination were “hand-me-downs,” borrowed and drastically marked-down, all very appropriate for a monk. After I returned home from Spring Retreat, I did find the good news about my cancer, eventually. With regard to my ordination, I have been well received. Furthermore, my sister has told me that I seem more content and happy than she has remembered me being in a long time.

Our Dharma Center has grown to the point that we have outgrown the private home in which we met and have had to seek a new venue. In addition it has undergone a reorganization that will probably put it on a better basis for further growth, ultimately being able to have a resident Lama and several of us monks. I now need to talk to my Lama about the nature of my role at the Center and whether there might not be some simpler topics on which I can share my experience in lieu of formally teaching. I have been able to share little bits of the Dharma as I have traveled about in my robes.

As I was sitting in Boston's South Station waiting for my ride to arrive, a young lady approached me offering to buy me coffee. When she returned with coffee and a muffin, we talked about her miscarriage and the ensuing depression. In fact we talked until she had to catch her train. While I cannot claim any particular qualifications, my own struggles with my own depression have given me great empathy for anyone else dealing with it. Her Karma and my Karma placed us just there at just that time when my experiences could help her.

As I work toward the upcoming teachings, I especially look forward to His Holiness Chetsang Rinpohe's Amitayus Empowerment and teachings and his Great Drikung Phowa Transmission and Teachings. Since I have been close to dying so many times in my life, nevertheless surviving. I want to actively and concretely prepare for my own death which I know will come, perhaps even unexpectedly. However, I can be prepared if I will work at it, maybe even attaining enlightenment, but at least taking steps to gain a good rebirth.

Every experience I have ever had, every skill that I have mastered, and every job that I have ever done have all prepared me in various ways to be useful in service of others. Whether I am helping with preparations for teachings from our great Lamas or in some measure comforting the sick or dying or merely bringing the appropriate clergy to them, my whole life has value, the good and even the bad parts. I am happiest when I remember that everything that I do is not for my benefit alone but for the benefit of all sentient beings.

The Least Drikungpa – Prologue – A New Beginning

On the 25th day of the 4th month of the Year of the Tiger (7th of June 2010), at 3:45 pm, I was ordained with the name Konchok Jangchup Dorje. Just like dates being BC or AD or historical documents saying “In the fifth year of the reign of king so-and-so...,” this will is the demarcation point for major changes in my life. The character of these is such that they deserve that a new blog be begun. This is particularly appropriate, since much of what concerned my “Journey through Cancer” is now past. While I have not received the “all clear” from the oncologists yet, the aftereffects of the treatment have almost completely cleared up and my PSA readings continue to decrease in spite of the one higher reading which would be regarded as a “ bounce,” a common phenomenon in the second year after radiation.

In the two months since my ordination there have been notable changes in my life with respect both to the reaction of others to my new status and to my own adjustments to the commitment that I have made. Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche's advice to me with regard to benefiting others, considering the unlikelihood of my becoming a lama at my age, was for me to keep my vows. While it is obvious that I should keep my vows, the value of that may not be so obvious nor is the keeping of them so easy. Nevertheless, in the weeks since my ordination my sister has commented that I seem happier and more content than she has seen me in many years.

When it came to choosing a title for this blog series that starts with my ordination, my place at any gathering of monks keeps my perspective on my place within the whole order. Therefore, in keeping with the prayer in which we refer to “The Great Drikungpa, Ratnashri...” I recognize that I am “ the Least Drikungpa.”

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 81 – Interminable Delay and Agonizing Waiting

When my PSA first went above the 4.0 upper limit of “normal,” starting this journey through cancer, I began a process of finding out its significance which was characterized by long delays between the steps of the process. First, I had to be evaluated by urology for them to decide whether a biopsy was warranted. After the biopsy, I had to wait for its results. After those results, I had to wait to set up a treatment plan. After the treatment had been planned, I had to wait for the treatments to actually begin. Those 45 radiation treatments took more than nine weeks to complete. Even after those treatments, it took a long time for me to recover from their aftereffects.

At this point I had thought I would be expecting soon to hear that I was free of cancer. Instead, I have begun a new cycle of interminable delay and agonizing waiting. It has been a month since I got the unwelcome lab results of a PSA which had more than doubled from the previous reading. While I know that it has been long enough that it would be appropriate to order a new PSA test to confirm that increase, I found out that no such test has been ordered until September and then I would not get those results until December or January. I don't consider that an acceptable delay!!

I decided that it was now time to be my own patient advocate. A little assertiveness would be required. First I could contact the urology oncology clinic to have them order a PSA test before my upcoming appointment. If that didn't work, I could call my primary care physician to do the same. I was fairly sure that he would order it if the urology oncology clinic didn't, because he had ordered it before the appointment I was to have had which I changed to see him sooner.

In the end the nurse manager of my primary care clinic told me to simply go to the outpatient lab and ask them to go ahead and draw blood for the tests ordered for September. When I did, there was no problem. Now I not only had the PSA test, but also the rest of the fasting labs for my appointment with my primary care doctor.

With the test results in the computer, I went to my urology oncology appointment where I found out that my PSA had gone back down to 1.3, a very acceptable level. It seems that the 2.6 was just a “bounce.” I had read about the phenomenon whereby some patients who had had radiation therapy would have a high PSA some time in their second year after treatment. Therefore, I was not facing a return of my cancer at this time, but rather could still consider myself cancer-free even without that “official” designation.

However, I have to realize that the most unpleasant aspects of this experience came from losing sight of the most basic principles of mindfulness. I was not dealing with what was here and now, but rather with what might be. At any moment there are infinite possibilities for “what might be,” but there is only one set of phenomena in my experience which are actually here and now. It is only that with which I may interact. Furthermore, I had narrowed my focus to think only of myself, even then forgetting that, whatever the course of this particular journey, it originated in the fruition of karmic seeds that I had myself planted.

How much have I gone through during the two plus years of this “Journey through Cancer” that has been transformed from the mere endurance of what was required to burn up the negative karma into something positive that could benefit others? Such a transformation was only possible because of the tiny bit of Dharma active in my life. Now that I am a novice monk, devoted to the Dharma, I forgot all of that for these weeks?

While I am ashamed of such a lapse, I remember that I am not a fully realized being, but merely one who is on the path occasionally falling into the ditch. The wisdom of the abbot leaving my name unchanged again manifests in the reminder that it contains. Our goal is enlightenment, buddhahood, for the benefit of all sentient beings, but I am not there yet!

The Unexpected Fulfillment of my Monastic Aspiration - Epilogue

On the 25th day of the 4th month of the Year of the Tiger (7th of June 2010), at 3:45 pm, I was ordained with the name Konchok Jangchup Dorje.

The days and weeks since that momentous event in my life have been a continuing process of revelation and motivation toward spiritual progress. Of course, this has not been without its difficulties and missteps along the way. There has definitely been a learning curve both for myself and for those around me. Whether it is my new wardrobe or my greater priority for attending every activity of the Dharma Center, it is both a matter of my own exercise of will and an adjustment on the part of family and friends.

Although we have Thai Buddhist monks here, being the only Tibetan Buddhist monk in this small town, creates a learning opportunity for everyone I meet as I go about normal errands. I am even the only Tibetan Buddhist monk visiting the VA Hospital when I go for my medical appointments. My last time keeping such an appointment, a VA police officer approached me and asked what kind of monk I am. About an hour later a fellow veteran approached with the same question.

As my Lama had already told me and I had already experienced while traveling, my robes create opportunities to share the Dharma in small bits. These are not times for extensive teachings, but rather moments for the most succinct statements both to answer the question and to stimulate curiosity. This can vary from the Muslim who asks whether we believe in a God, to which I answer, “It is not required,” to the former Baptist who asks who Buddha is, to which I answer, “A man who achieved enlightenment and taught the rest of us how to achieve it.”

There is a serious responsibility to answer such questions with the best answer that I can give, which serves to motivate me toward study. I had hoped to be able to enroll in more classes from Dharmakirti College by now, but constraints on time and money prevent it for the time being. Instead, I am pulling out my notebook and textbooks from the course I already took from them to review that material. Additionally, I am creating flash cards, both computer and physical, to memorize the “enumerations” such as “six trainings” and “five Buddha families.” Additionally, I shall review notes from all the teachings that I have attended and review or even reread the basic books that I have read over the years., sort of my own course.

Things have evolved with our Dharma Center such that we can no longer meet in the private home where we had been holding our twice-weekly classes and group practices. We have found a public venue for one day, but I am continuing the search for at least one other venue to try to keep up the level of practice that the group had previously. Toward this end, I believe that my being a monk facilitates the process, although any site found will still be referred to the “Katsel Meditation Tampa” board for confirmation.

Although I am well aware that I am not a qualified teacher for much of anything, I plan to talk with my Lama when I see him in Boston about whether I might be able to teach the most basic of things when needed. I am certain that even with such fundamental subjects there is always more to learn, but I may be able to do some good with regard to helping beginners. Nevertheless, this is but one of the many things that I know that I need to talk over with my Lama face to face.

Just as my name ever reminds me that our goal is enlightenment, Buddhahood, which I have not yet achieved, I also remember that that is not for myself alone, but for the benefit of all sentient beings. Likewise, my ordination is not for myself alone, but for the benefit of all sentient beings. This is still only the beginning of that to which I have committed the rest of my life. I still have to continue the process of cleaning out this little house, getting rid of all the stuff packed into it that no longer serves a purpose with regard to my monastic life. The challenge in that process is not only to get rid of it but also to find some way for it to benefit others.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 80 - On the Road Again

During the time of my recovery from radiation therapy for prostate cancer, I had trouble develop in my little pickup truck. I broke one of my rules for taking care of a vehicle properly, letting the gas tank get below ¼ tank. As a result the fuel filter got clogged up. However, I did not find out about it until I returned from my trip to Boston last year. Before I left, it had merely “sputtered” when starting at a stoplight. When I got back, it would crank but not stay running. Since my experience suggested that this would be a clogged fuel filter, I bought a fuel as well as air filters.

However, by this time a new aftereffect of the radiation therapy had developed, rectal bleeding. This began to seriously impair my ability to do lots of things. Often I would have to sprint to the bathroom, not always successfully, trying to avoid a “bowel accident.” This symptom persisted even after cauterizing, what I called “arc welding,” had stopped all the lesions from bleeding. Furthermore, it took some time for strength and stamina to start improving. Nevertheless, working a little along, I began replacing filters and changing spark plugs and even tracing fuel lines to find the fuel filter. Aggravatingly the fuel filter was nowhere near the locations for it that were shown in repair manuals or suggested by friends.

Ultimately, lacking sufficient manual strength and dexterity, I had to ask for help. In the course of my recovery, it has been important that I regain the ability to do the things that I am accustomed to doing. While it is always hard to ask for help, this aspect of recovery of one's health makes it just that much more difficult. Nevertheless, having asked, I received help from the friend of a friend. The fuel filter was changed, the distributor cap and rotor was replaced, and a new battery was installed. The little “monk-mobile” is running beautifully. Moreover, several people gained the merit that comes from helping a monk and we were able to help a young man having difficulty in this bad economic times.

I still have a couple of simple tasks to do myself, cleaning the windows and windshield and changing the oil. I'll also need to get things out of the interior of the truck that really don't belong there and start putting my tools back into the truck box. Furthermore, I think I may need to put a locking gas cap on it, because I seem to have had some fuel siphoned from it during this long period that it sat without moving.

Even in so mundane a thing as vehicle repair, we are not doing it for ourselves alone, but for the benefit of others also. In this instance, it helped the young man who did the work, accrued merit to those who made it happen, and shall further benefit those whom I may now better serve.