An Armadillo Funeral

This morning as soon as I could handle it, the armadillo that I had found dead in my driveway last night got a respectful burial. I am sure that it had had a difficult life as any wild animal would which finds itself living in close proximity to human beings. Furthermore, its body had been partially eaten last night when I found it and even more during the night.
I cannot say that it was an elegant funeral, but rather more of a pragmatic burial. In fact, I don't know what should be done for a proper Buddhist funeral and I am not a Lama or even a Bhikkhu. Nevertheless I chanted the Amitabha mantra and tried to focus my mind on the intention that this poor animal would have a good rebirth, perhaps as a human being. Afterward, I placed a wide board over the site in order that the body not be disturbed again but be able to peacefully decay.
In the light of many Buddhist teachings and principles, this was a great lesson. Once again we see another example of impermanence, in that everything born will die. Furthermore, I was given an opportunity to practice loving-kindness and compassion by chanting mantras and hoping for its good rebirth. Moreover, this was a good reminder that we are all related to all other sentient beings. Finally, we are so often reminded that all the good we do is for the benefit of all sentient beings such as this poor armadillo.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 85 – Waiting and Preparing continues

The results of the culture of the urine specimen have come back negative. Nothing grew. Of course this points up the reason the urologist was not in a hurry to order the cystoscopy, the risk of introducing contamination into the sterile environment of the bladder. However, the urinalysis also revealed red blood cells which did not surprise me, because there have been a few more occasions of minor bleeding sufficient to tint my urine pink but not nearly as much as sent me to the ER.

A consequence of the little bit of blood in the urine is that, even though it is too little to see, it irritates the bladder enough to cause “urinary urgency.” On a couple of occasions I have not been fast enough getting to the bathroom. Therefore, I am going to make two adjustments. First, I have packed my “just in case bag” again, this time to handle my needs if I have a urinary accident away from home. Second, I have begun wearing urinary incontinence pads anytime I leave the house. I really had not anticipated taking these measures at this point, although I expected to need them once we got through diagnosis and treatment planning and the actual therapy had begun. Nevertheless, this has been characteristic of this particular journey, adapting to situations as they arise no matter what the plan might have been.

I benefit neither myself nor anyone else unless I am dealing with my circumstances as they actually are, not trying to fit them into the mold of what I would want them to be or to any form that I might imagine them to be. Indeed, in part, wasn't the Buddha's enlightenment about seeing reality as it truly is rather than being deceived by any illusion or delusion. Of course, I realize that my perception of reality is far from the state of enlightenment, but I also recognize that in that perception is a great power for change. Indeed, I am not using my feeble power in an effort to change the course of the universe, but rather using that power which I do have to change what is within my scope to change.

After many discussions of good and bad Karma, I have come to believe that there is no such thing as bad Karma. While I would not likely have chosen my circumstances of dealing with nearly dying so often and having so much medical stuff in my life, I can see the good that has come of it as well as understanding the origins of it in my own actions in previous rebirths. Karma is Karma. The causes were created by the decisions I made and the actions that I took. Now I have to ride out the waves of their consequences. Here in Florida, when a storm is offshore surfers flock to the beaches to ride the waves that come from it. They find their enjoyment in those waves regardless of the destructive power that created them. Similarly, the “wave” is here, I might as well find the good in riding it to shore.

I already know that my experience has benefited others when I have done hospital visitation. However, that was as Christian clergy which opened the door for me more than now as a Buddhist monk. Perhaps I need to be more persistent in making my availability known to the chaplains of the local hospitals and hospice organizations. While health issues may put some limits on my ability to serve in this manner, I have to put forth a greater effort, because this is not about me but about being of greatest benefit to other sentient beings.

The third and fourth of the “six perfections” are patience and perseverance (or diligence). While I wouldn't claim to have fully accomplished or to faultlessly practice the first and second, generosity and ethics, my present circumstances are giving me extensive opportunities to practice patience and perseverance.

Patiently or impatiently I have to wait the time it takes for tests to be scheduled and the results to be interpreted. I can do little to speed up the process. However, I do have control over how much discomfort the waiting causes. This is particularly true since I have a course of action that does not depend on the results of the tests or the diagnosis that ultimately comes from them.

This is where perseverance or diligence comes into the picture. Whether is is the nutritional support and alternative therapy basics or the spiritual practices, both need to be carried out on a continuing basis. If I am to get their benefits, I need to keep up drinking the herbal teas and eating the “medicinal noodles” and the greens. Furthermore, as I was taught about the “one cure for a hundred diseases,” I am supposed to do it daily for twenty-one days. At least I am remaining consistent in drinking the water blessed by the Karmapa black stone relics, even making my coffee and tea with it.

At this stage, my PSA has gone back down to be within the “normal” range. Nevertheless, we are going ahead with the cystoscopy and the biopsy. Of course this makes sense, because it is the second time that my PSA has gone high and then come back down.

Several weeks ago when I visited the Thai Buddhist temple in Kissimmee, I explained to the abbot that I was there to visit the shrines, because there was a possibility that the cancer had come back. He very offhandedly said, “They won't find anything.” I hope he is right. If that should be the result (a significant possibility since the PSA is down), I could view it in two different ways: either there never was any cancer to find or my alternative and spiritual treatment regimen worked. Of course there is no way to distinguish between those options, because they are perceptions.

This is rather like the difference between reality as it actually is and our perceptions of the phenomena we experience. Since I am not an enlightened being, although I like all sentient beings possess Buddhanature, I really cannot yet see past the appearance. Of course many of our Tibetan Buddhist practices as well as teachings by so many Lamas refer to the union of appearance and emptiness. I have not reached that state of realization, but I can aspire to it.

Meanwhile, I can try to utilize my experience to benefit all sentient beings. Furthermore, this kind of experience over so many years seems to have resulted in my having a particular affinity for Medicine Buddha practice. That is something that I have been doing to benefit all sentient beings.

A Perspective on Compassion

I know that I have in the past had a tendency toward being a “lead foot” driver. Therefore, long ago I set for myself the firm rule that I would not drive more more than 5 miles over the posted speed limit. Since this means that I am slower than many cars on the road, I have to monitor my speedometer closely lest I inadvertently match speed with those driving faster than I intend to drive. That also means that I am often very aware of just how fast others are driving. Also being aware of my own inclination to drive faster, I'm slow to judge the speeding of other drivers. Nevertheless, as I see the growing number of drivers driving significantly faster than I drive, I have had to question their motivation.

This struck me particularly strongly tonight as I drove to Dharma teachings. A few drivers stood out not only because of their speed but also because of their particularly dangerous maneuvers as they drove. The first was a young man on a motorcycle, the kind that is sometimes called a “crotch rocket,” who passed me so fast that, based on my 74 mph reading on my speedometer, he had to be going faster than 100 mph, perhaps even as much as 110 or 120 mph. Not only was he traveling at such a high speed, but he was also weaving in and out of traffic. Another driver who was in an SUV was driving at an estimated 90 mph or more, but also used an exit ramp to pass other traffic just before the ramp completely split from the highway. Yet another SUV driver took the exit at significantly more than the 65 mph I was doing as I first left the highway, but also passed a couple of vehicles on the ramp before it split in two directions, the last time, so close to the other car that they braked abruptly. It would be hard to estimate that vehicle's speed before I lost sight of it, but I doubt it was close to the 35 mph posted at that point.

Each of these times I thought, “What could make someone drive like that?”

I spent some time speculating on what their reasons might be. Sadly, I could not come up with any rational, reasonable and healthy reason they might have. Every way I pursue the question of motivation I keep coming back to one or more of the following: an inflated sense of I-ness, or Ego ( Asmita ), Grasping or Attachment ( Raga ), Aversion or Dislike ( Dvesha ), and Fear ( abhinivesha), of course leading back to the Ignorance, or Absence of Correct Understanding ( Avidya) from which the se spring. Of course, this is no surprise, because most of what we do can be traced to these mental poisons. However, in cases like these drivers, it would seem that these are at an almost pathological extreme although I cannot seem to see much evidence of Fear ( abhinivesha) , considering the life-threatening character of such driving.

I found myself very uncomfortable with this line of thought which I first attributed to my own familiarity with these mental poisons in my own life. However, I also thought about His Holiness Chetsang Rinpoche's teaching on what compassion feels like. He said it is the feeling that one has when, upon seeing a leper, one finds it very hard to continue to look on the leper because it is painful to see someone in that state. In much the same manner, it is also painful to see in someone's behavior evidence of such a mentally, emotionally or spiritually diseased state. Quite naturally one does not become angry at sick people because of the symptoms of their disease. Rather one would want them to find their way to health or at least to less suffering.

That is another clear understanding that I reached. Such people are suffering at a profound level and to an extreme extent. Isn't their extreme behavior evidence of just how advanced their disease is and how great there suffering must be ?

Of course, I am not saying that such drivers are not responsible for their actions or for the harm that they may cause. However, my aspiration now becomes that they find the “cure for what ails them” before they do great harm to themselves or others. Toward that end, perhaps I can at least chant a few mantras for their enlightenment, because they are some of the “sentient beings” for whom I dedicate practice.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 85 – Waiting and Preparing

Once again a battery of tests are required to determine precisely where the cancer is and how advanced it is. The starting point, merely due to appointment availability, is a bone scan. A small amount of a radioactive tracer is injected and then the scanner is used to look for places where it is concentrated which would be in areas of greater cell activity. There is about a two hour waiting period from the injection to the scan. Of course, that is in keeping with the nature of this phase of this process, waiting.

Besides going through the various tests that are required such as the bone scan, a CT scan of the pelvic region, a cystoscopy to look at my bladder, and probably another biopsy of the prostate, I am using this time to make certain preparations. I am even implementing some alternative therapies not only to prepare my body for any course of treatment we later choose but also to start to combat the cancer itself or at least impede its development.

I have started to prepare my medicinal chai every morning which will mask the taste of the herbs like pau d'arco as well as some that will support bladder health. I have already begun eating my “medicinal noodles” with the reishi mushroom and miso broth, shitake mushrooms, and broccoli. I have also begun drinking protein shakes to boost my intake of protein to help my body do its work. I probably will resume the aromatherapy that was recommended to me before my first round of cancer treatment.

Another area of preparation and treatment is actually the spiritual approach. I already needed to become more consistent in my daily Medicine Buddha practice. Furthermore, I was taught an inner yoga, a healing yoga, called the “one cure for a hundred diseases.” I need to start it on a regular basis and try to refine and advance in that practice. I also need to get more faithful in my studying if I am to be of maximum benefit to all sentient beings. Some of these things are needed whether there is cancer or not. However, on account of the cancer, I think I may start spending more time in mantra recitation during my Medicine Buddha practice. I also think I should maintain a list of those for whom I am particularly dedicating the practice. That would help me to more effectively focus my intention.

I am also most fortunate that I was given some "black stone Karmapa relics" when I was at Winter Retreat. I placed one in a jug of drinking water to bless it. From now until I am cancer-free, I shall try to only drink the blessed water, even making my tea and coffee with it.

About these relics I found the following information: "The re is yet another type of relic: The small sacred black stone relics from the shores of Lake Namtso- - a lake extremely sacred to the Karmapas. It is the largest salt water lake in Tibet, about a day and a half drive by jeep from Tsurphu.

"According to history, the Third Karmapa, Rangjung Dorje, visited Lake Namtso. The historical legend tells that he flew there by using his miraculous powers. As he stood near the lake, he threw a handful of black pills into the lake and requested the protectors of the Lake, Dorje Gurdak (a wrathful emanation of Guru Rinpoche) and other various Naga gods and demi-gods, to ever increase these black pills in number as a source of faith and for the benefit of beings in the future.

"About four centuries later, the Fourteenth Karmapa, Thekchok Dorje, came to the lake and requested Dorje Gurdak and another protector, Nyen Chenpo Thang-La, to be guardians of these sacred stone relics after throwing a handful of black pills into the lake. Still to this day they continue to appear around the shores of this lake and they are regarded as very auspicious relics, especially for filling statues."

(from Karmapa: His Holiness the 17th Gyalwa Karmapa, Urgyen Trinley Dorje by Ken Holmes, 1995.)

Probably the chief difficulty for me now is coping with the long interval between tests and the consequent delay in getting a definitive diagnosis and formulating a treatment plan. While the last PSA value is outside the normal range and the two successive readings almost doubled from the previous value, there still might be a possibility that this might not mean a return of the cancer with metastases. However I think that optimistic view is not likely since these PSA results were accompanied by bladder symptoms.

Nevertheless, the doctor in the Urology-Oncology clinic has suggested that the high PSA might be the result of prostatitis, an infection of the prostate gland, rather than a return of cancer. To help make that determination he has ordered a culture as part of another urinalysis. He has also ordered a particular antibiotic which he will phone me, telling me whether or not to take it. He did inform me, incidentally, that the bone scan did not show anything except an area of advancing osteoarthritis. Therefore, I still have more waiting with few answers.

At this stage I am getting lots of advice, suggestions for a variety of alternative therapies. At first I was inclined to try every one, but I think it may be better to stick with the ones I have used, adding only the water blessed by the black stone relics as well as the "one cure for a hundred diseases" inner yoga practice. These are the things in which I have the greatest confidence. Furthermore, they also advance my Tibetan Buddhist practice. This is not just a matter of my physical health, but, more importantly, a matter of the working out of my Karma and the application of my Dharma lessons to it.

Like everyone else who has had cancer, I am faced with the prospect of its return. Furthermore, at any time it may not only return in the prostate where it originally developed, but also it may occur anywhere else in the body. On the other hand, another disease process may be mistaken for the return of cancer. Balancing on this edge, not knowing what is actually happening in my body is difficult, but I cannot deal with what may be, only with what is. If I foolishly maintain an unfounded positive expectation, I set myself up for disappointment. On the other hand, if I equally foolishly maintain an equally unfounded negative expectation, I just promote depression.

As a Buddhist, the only acceptable view is one with no expectations, but prepared to deal with whatever comes when it comes. Indeed, it is only in the present that I may act and only within the actual circumstances that exist in the present moment. However, it is in just that way that I have total control over my own Karma, not only by handling the fruit of my past Karma in a way that benefits myself and others, but also by acting in a way that gives rise to positive Karma rather than negative. This is precisely what Dharma teachings mean by "the accumulation of merit," one of the two accumulations required for Buddhahood.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 84 - Karma and Compost

This was originally written when I experienced such phenomenal positive and emotionally charged events for which I felt unworthy. Now, facing the potential of the return of the cancer that I had thought we had successfully treated, I see from another point of view the applicability of these ideas as well as new aspects regarding them. Therefore, I reiterate and expand on them. I have had occasion to reflect on how fortunate I have been in this lifetime. At some times I might not have thought so, but I have a different perspective now, a particularly Buddhist one.

Over my whole lifetime, even in infancy, I have been on the verge of dying although I often regarded myself as a hail and hardy fellow. To the Western mind so many close brushes with death and the consequent medical procedures and sometimes rigorous therapies and protracted recoveries are inexplicable. Or else they may be regarded as curses of fate or of some deity. However, for me as a Buddhist it is simply a matter of cause and effect, Karmic causality. In some previous lifetime, perhaps even several, I have done things for which these things are the natural result. These Karmic seeds may have followed across centuries, but they definitely took root in this rebirth.

Furthermore, the conventional thinking I was taught in our Western culture and even that in some Eastern cultures would regard all these “travails” as “ curses,” “bad luck,” or some such undesirable circumstance. For me, however, they are the most fortunate of circumstances, because they “burn up” all of that “negative karma” rather than having it continue to follow me through still more rebirths.

On the other hand, I can also see the positive Karmic seeds that have also come to fruition in this lifetime. I have a “precious human life” with all of the Eight Freedoms and Ten Endowments. I was not born in the Hell realms, as a hungry ghost, as an animal, in a place where teachings are unavailable, as a long-life god (always content and therefore with no motivation for progress), with wrong view (no understanding of karma, and no understanding of past and future lives), where no Buddha has appeared, or lacking the capacity to learn anything. I was born as a human being, where there are teachings, possessing five senses, not having committed heavy negative karmas, able to have confidence in and devotion to the Triple Gem, where a Buddha has appeared, where a Buddha has taught, where the Dharma teachings flourish, where there are followers who enter the pure path of Dharma, and where there is support from the kindness of others, including the spiritual master. Furthermore, I found those teachings and a Lama that I could trust.

When I was sitting in the room with the relic collection of the Maitreya Project Heart Shrine Relic Tour in Gainesville, Florida, I had to reflect that I was fortunate enough to have been with the relics twice already in my present lifetime and, on both of those occasions, I was there as a volunteer for the whole weekend. Furthermore, at that point I merely had the aspiration to attend once more as a volunteer over another weekend. That aspiration was actually fulfilled.

As if these were not enough good things to come together in my present lifetime, I was sitting there not only in the presence of such precious relics, a physical manifestation of the great compassion, loving kindness, and other spiritual qualities of Shakyamuni Buddha and these other Buddhist masters, but also as a beginning monk given the immense, incalculable, wondrous responsibility of giving blessings with the very relics of Shakyamuni Buddha. Sometimes my eyes filled with tears and other times it felt as though my heart might burst because of the powerful emotion I felt as well as the enormous energies perceptible in the room and from the relic stupa.

I commented to several people that weekend, and since then, that it is as though all those negative and positive karmic seeds came together in this particular lifetime and landed in compost. They have all born fruit abundantly!! So much negative karma has been burned away and continues to be burned away! Even at this late date in this lifetime, I have not only found the Dharma, but I have been able to devote myself to it and to its service as a monk! I have found a Lama who can guide my spiritual life with enough patience to put up with me and not give up on me! I have had the good fortune to meet not just one but two mahasiddhas in this one lifetime already!

Over the course of the cancer diagnosis, cancer treatment, and the recovery from the treatment, it has been amazing how far a tiny bit of the Dharma has carried me. In spite of the persistence of some of my bad habits, with the guidance and patience of my Lama, I actually am making a little progress, enough that I can perceive the change in me. On the other hand, I remain aware that I am still just a baby Buddhist and a baby monk and the least Drikungpa of all. Nevertheless, there are ways that I can be of service to others and to the Dharma. Nothing I have ever done is totally wasted. Either I have learned skills which find application now to such service or my misdeeds give me understanding and compassion for others. Everything that I do now needs to done with a view to benefiting all sentient beings. That is where its true worth lies. I am most thankful that some little bit of what I do stands up to that test.

I recently learned of the three fierce mantras of Tsangpa Gyaré:

1. “Whatever has to happen, let it happen!”

2. “Whatever the situation is, it’s fine!”

3. “I don’t need anything whatsoever (but the Dharma)!”

According to Rigpa Wiki:

“Tsangpa Gyaré is one of the founders of the Drukpa Kagyü school of Tibetan Buddhism. He established the monasteries of Longdol, Ralung (the principal seat of the Drukpa Kagyü) and Namdruk (after which the lineage was later named). He also opened the sacred place of Tsari.” As a Kagyu lineage it is related to our Drikung Kagyu lineage. However, it is more significant for me that it applies so well to the present circumstances as it does to almost any unexpected and unwanted situation. That definitely describes having a high PSA reading and having to go through more tests for a definitive diagnosis.

I was commenting to a friend that it seems that I shall not have the opportunity to carry much negative Karma forward into future rebirths. So much is getting purified with such intensity and force in the present lifetime. While the process may not be pleasant, the spiritual result seems desirable. Isn't this clearing away significant obstacles to my eventual enlightenment and my benefit for all sentient beings? In fact, isn't that benefit to myself and others a more immediate outcome, beginning even as I go through the process?

The disease, the diagnostic tests, the treatment and the recovery are all worthwhile if we all get a little closer to enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. Maybe a little more Dharma in my life than before will make the whole thing not only more tolerable, but even much easier to handle.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 83 - The Journey Continues

I had thought that this "Journey Th r ough Cancer" was finished. I was set to turn the blog into a book and had even set myself on a daily work schedule for the editing. However, it seems that the Karma bearing that fruit is not completely finished.

I saw the Radiation Oncologist today for what I thought was a routine follow-up visit, but routine it was not. I already knew that one PSA reading was 2.6 rather than less than 1, as we would hope. However this was not all of the bad news. Another PSA test less than a month after that one gave a reading of 4.3, heading farther in the wrong direction rather quickly.

Initially, the radiation oncologist has ordered a CT scan of the pelvic region and a bone scan. We also discussed the possible need for another biopsy. I told him that I expected and accepted that and, although I would not look forward to the biopsy itself, I would look forward to its results for us to know what is happening. At that point, if the cancer is back, we can work out the treatment plan and work on recovery.

Right now is the hardest time, the time of waiting. I have been in the same circumstance multiple times during the whole course of this journey. It may be time to burn off more negative Karma. Whatever it is, it is my Karma. Just as it always is for everyone, we can choose how we go through what faces us in each day. Whatever I face in this, I must remember, as I have before, to find ways that it may benefit other beings.

I have already started on my “alternative therapy” efforts that I used before my more conventional treatments began. I have bought watercress, because researchers have found that a metabolite from it retards the development of blood vessels in tumors. I have also started on my “medicinal noodles” with their reishi and miso broth, broccoli, and shitake mushrooms. Also lemongrass tea, so pleasant to drink, will be my basic and most frequent beverage.

As far as spiritual preparations are concerned, I must remember, as I have told others, “I exist to serve.”

Which means that I must continue to seek opportunities to be of service to all sentient beings. In the coming month we are going to have a visit from Khenpo Choepel giving teachings and empowerments in this area for about three weeks. I need to strive to be available to assist in any way that I can. While I need to learn from the particular teachings, I also need to continue learning from him, as from an older brother, how to be a good monk.

Whether this new phase of this journey is just a series of tests and procedures through which we find that there is no cancer to be treated or it is another course of treatment with its side effects and its recovery, there are challenges to be faced and lessons to be learned. It is through just such challenges and lessons that what I do may benefit others if only I continue to apply the tiny bit of Dharma that I have in my life. Perhaps I can even come to have a little more of it to apply and to share for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Starting a Job

Tomorrow, I shall be starting a job. It is not actually a new one but rather one that I already have but have not been working on as I should. Already I have written my blog, “Journey Through Cancer,” but I need to edit it into a book as my Lama and many friends have encouraged. However, I have not applied myself to that task.

Starting tomorrow, every weekday I shall devote three or four hours to the editing just as though I had been hired for a writing job. Most days I intend to devote the hours from the time that I finish breakfast until I need to stop for lunch. Of course, this will not be inflexible. For example, on days like tomorrow, when I have tasks that must be done in the morning, I shall compensate by using other hours of the day, still trying to complete the designated three or four hours of work.

I have read or heard from successful authors that they have to be as faithful to scheduled work hours as if they had to go out to work even if they work at home. Since the book, just like the blog, is intended to be for the benefit of all sentient beings, it is well worth my effort and diligence. Up to now my only actions directed toward the creation of the book have been to print out two copies of all the blogs and putting them in a ring binder and sending one of those copies to my very best friend from childhood for his comments and suggestions. The other copy awaits me.

I have no idea how long this will take for me to produce a manuscript to send to a publisher. Neither do I know how to find a publisher who would publish my book, but that doesn't matter until I have something to present. That process starts tomorrow and will last until the job is done.