Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 89 – Not The End Really, But Another Beginning

Over the past couple of months I have gone through an interesting, exciting and dramatic progression of ceremonies, each building on the other and with a definite spiritual direction. Since the series was not planned, it would seem that it bears signs of positive Karmic seeds reaching fruition. As I wrote previously, I was able to attend a teaching with Garchen Rinpoche in Philadelphia where I took Bodhisattva vows very simply. Later I was able to attend the Drikung Kagyu Great Bodhicitta Empowerment with Nubpa Rinpoche at Tibetan Meditation Center in Frederick, Maryland. That I described as Bodhisattva vows “long form.”

In July I was most fortunate to attend the Kalachakra for World Peace 2011 with His Holiness the Dalai Lama. Since the Kalachakra Empowerment is very powerful and the Kalachakra practice is seen as a very effective means toward Buddhahood, vows are part of the preparation for it. Upasika (householder) vows were given, because it represents a higher level of commitment than being nominally Buddhist. Bodhisattva vows were given, because “without compassion there is no enlightenment.” Tantric vows were given, because the Kalachakra practice is a higher tantric practice although not highest tantric practice.

The first day of the event was actually the celebration of His Holiness the Dalai Lama's 76 ^th birthday. Then the prayers of the next five days were preparatory for the empowerment with His Holiness teaching in the afternoons of the latter three days. He taught us about meditation and about the life of a bodhisattva. Not coincidentally, I was able to attend a screening of “For the Benefit of All Beings,” the life story of His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche, a genuine mahasiddha. Furthermore, I was fortunate to be sitting only two rows back from Rinpoche at the Kalachakra event for the first few days until he was invited to be among the monastics on the stage. The Kalachakra Empowerment was only Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of the second week. At that, each of those days began with the “ self generation prayers” of His Holiness and the monks from his monastery and Wednesday was called “Preliminary Empowerment of Students.” Nevertheless, for a preliminary, it was very powerful and nature seemed to echo the energy with a thunderstorm, perhaps because serious commitments were being made as vows were taken. The next two afternoons were likewise dramatic and profoundly moving.

Furthermore, the logistical task of distributing saffron water and other needs for the ceremonies to so large a crowd was handled so well that it seemed no great feat at all. Words cannot express properly my feelings as I sought by intention and attention to participate as fully as possible in the empowerment especially when the monastics on stage stood in for the rest of us when it would have been impossible for us to touch or be touched by a ritual object. On such occasions, space and time are not limiting factors to such spiritual practices.

However not all the experiences that made this event so special and life-changing happened inside the Verizon Center as part of the scheduled activities. For one thing, from the start I found myself receiving honors above my place including from monastics very much senior to me. Indeed I realized that I have to go beyond my joking about being “a baby monk in an old body” to consciously dedicating the honors to monks who deserve such honor and may not receive it. For an example of deep humility I had before me daily His Holiness the Dalai Lama who says so often, “I am just a simple monk.” As if that were not enough, there was also Garchen Rinpoche who says, “I have no special qualities.” Indeed, it is his example that keeps me reminding myself that this phenomenon which you know as Konchok Jangchup Dorje or any other name is but the product of certain causes under certain conditions and anything which may seem praiseworthy is just the result of that.

I was most fortunate to stay at Chua Hoa Nghiem, a Vietnamese Buddhist temple in Fort Belvoir, Virginia. The generosity, kindness and hospitality not only of the couple who arranged it but also of the abbot and the other guests staying there was overwhelming. To that I have to add the very great generosity of so many toward the ordained was so great that it felt like my heart would burst from the profound gratitude that I felt and continue to feel. However, when I spoke of this to a friend, she pointed out to me the obligation that I bear on my side of this relationship to practice for these generous donors, indeed to be the best monk that I can be for them. As another friend put it, I am a monk for him, because he knows he cannot be one. Once again, just as in my ordination, it is not about me, but rather about how I may benefit others.

Since I was a teenager, people have seemed to instinctively find me someone in whom they can confide in spite of not being all that mature at the time. Throughout many years this has continued and indeed was part of my service as a Christian clergyman. My robes naturally add to this and I find myself talking with people who might not approach me in “civilian clothes.” Now maybe I have a little more to give them when I can share a little bit of the Dharma with them. This same phenomenon occurred as I traveled about the DC area whether walking, riding the train or doing business in an office or store. Indeed, I think that something about the whole experience of the Kalachakra event increased it. Here again it is not about me, but rather about being of benefit to sentient beings.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama, as an emanation of the bodhisattva of compassion, Chenrezig, often talks about compassion and loving-kindness. He has even stated that compassion and altruism are practical and make good sense. However, there are many who are skeptical of that view. Nevertheless, I had an experience which showed at least one way that it is clearly true. On the second Thursday of the event, after the “Preliminary Empowerment of Students,” the Vietnamese abbot and I and a couple of other people headed to the subway station to make our way back to the temple. As we approached the platform we encountered a “ human traffic jam,” a great mass of people pushing and shoving but not going anywhere. I do not do well with crowds, too many people too close together. Normally I experience serious anxiety. On this occasion, as usual I began to feel anxious. However, another person and I conceived to make a path for the abbot and set out to make a way in the crowd and eventually got through. At that point I realized that I was not anxious nor did I become so afterward. Completely focused on the wellbeing of the abbot, no anxiety arose at all. Here again it is not about me, but rather about being of benefit to sentient beings.

With about 850 monastics attending the Kalachakra for World Peace 2011, it seems strange that I should be among the few that non-Buddhists and very new Buddhists found to be particularly approachable. Nevertheless, I was repeatedly asked questions and sought out to explain things. Whatever the reason behind it, I was able so often to share a little of the Dharma with some people who may not get another chance to encounter it. In that I am including those whom I met on the streets, in stores and on trains and buses which seems to be the norm in my life. Here again it is not about me, but rather about being of benefit to sentient beings.

Having spent time around Garchen Rinpoche and also having seen the documentary film of his life, it is clear that he sees the reason for his existence as being of benefit to all beings. Indeed, he was born yet another time for no other purpose in his view and in the view of others. While I am not on the same level as a realized being, I have long maintained, “I exist to serve.” This was a seed that sprouted during my time as Christian clergy and grew during my period of Native American and Pagan spirituality and now is beginning to mature in my life as a Tibetan Buddhist monk. This isn't some dull, dreary and drab mode of existence, but an exciting, rewarding, satisfying, fulfilling way to live, to truly live. Here again it is not about me, but rather about being of benefit to sentient beings.

When I decided to take monastic ordination as a Tibetan Buddhist monk, I resigned myself to the “ facts” that I could never be a lama and that I could never spend very long in a monastery in India or Nepal. Since my source of health care is the Veterans Administration system, I cannot go longer than six months and still receive my regular medications. This has seemed to be immutable truth. However, now that I have survived cancer and not only by conventional medical treatments but also by utilizing alternatives that have included herbs, nutrition, and spiritual practices, it seems entirely possible that there might be a path to better health. Indeed I might be able to follow a course which would get me to a sufficiently good state of health that three year retreat or an extended stay in an overseas monastery might be possible. Either of those possibilities could give me greater means to be of service to others, perhaps even having more than the little bit of Dharma that I have active in my life at present. Here again it is not about me, but rather about being of benefit to sentient beings.

When I reflect on my life as I have lived it up to the present moment, I have tried many things, not all of them successfully. Indeed there are a lot that would fall into the category of nonvirtue, but at least not into the category of heinous acts. However, there is nothing that I have ever done that is totally wasted, no matter how much I may regret having done it, as long as it may be turned to the benefit of others. Indeed, those very things are among the causes and conditions that have resulted in the phenomenon we know as Konchok Jangchup Dorje who hopes now to be of benefit to all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 88 – On the Road for the Dharma - continued

The time now comes for my first “snow bird” summer in Boston. While most people prefer to fly, because it is the fastest mode of travel, my preferred mode of travel is by train. Therefore, I choose the train whenever I can, and I booked this trip on Amtrak.

As I travel on the train, I am keenly aware of my responsibility to all other Buddhists, especially Tibetan Buddhist monks. Even as a getsul and a "young monk in an old body," I know that I am nothing special but just the phenomenon that results from certain causes under certain conditions. Nevertheless, the time spent talking to two inebriated young men with compassion, loving-kindness, and complete acceptance is also the result of those same causes and conditions. Out of it, perhaps they may gain something toward spiritual growth.

Inevitably, almost every aspect of a trip like this is an act of sharing the Dharma. Many people I meet as I travel by train or bus have never met any kind of monk, much less a Tibetan Buddhist monk. While I know I am not the ideal monk and I know I am a "baby" Buddhist and "baby" monk, nevertheless I share the Dharma as well as I can and do not hesitate to say, "I don't know."

This morning a situation developed which seemed appropriate for the practice of tonglen. A condition of conflict arose between a small group of passengers and a member of the train staff. It was clearly a matter of misunderstanding and misperception, especially considering that the group had been drinking. Nevertheless, there was nothing I could do directly. Therefore, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to practice tonglen to provide concrete help.

After quietly saying a few opening prayers, I began meditating on taking away their suffering and giving them peace. At the same time, I was turning my prayer wheel. I am not particularly experienced in the practice of tonglen. Therefore when the level of tension subsided and peace prevailed, I am inclined to attribute it to the blessings Chenrezig through the prayer wheel. About all that I supplied was the good intention, the opening prayers, the turning of the prayer wheel, and the dedication.

This is like the benefit my fellow train passengers receive from seeing me, because I am wearing the "Liberation through Seeing" pin that H.E. Garchen Rinpoche gave away. One passenger may have given himself even more benefit by photographing me with it visible. Furthermore, spinning my prayer wheel spreads so many blessings.

I keep reminding myself that I have taken Bodhisattva vows. Therefore, in addition to my concept that I exist to serve, I have made the commitment not only to follow the path to Buddhahood but also to lead every sentient being along the same path.

While on the train on the night before I am to arrive in Boston, after turning my cell phone off for the night, I received a call that I would have a place to stay in Washington, DC, for the entire Kalachakra for Peace event. Furthermore, upon arriving at the center in Arlington, MA, I find out that the group will be driving to DC. However, before these developments came to fruition, I had reached the decision that, having been chosen for a ticket, I would attend even though I might not have lodgings or a better way to travel. In that case I planned that I would take a Greyhound bus to arrive early on July 6 ^th, that I would attend only the birthday celebration for His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and that I would take the bus back to Boston that same night. As I told someone after I got to Boston, I had concluded that, if I had to make that Greyhound ride, it would likely have been that someone on those buses needed exposure to the Dharma and perhaps the blessings from the prayer wheel.

As we say in the second half of our prayer “ Taking the Bodhisattva Vow,” “ As the previous Buddhas cultivated the enlightened mind and progressed on the bodhisattva's path, I too, for the benefit of all sentient beings, give birth to Bodhicitta and Apply myself to accomplish the stages of the path.”

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 88 – On the Road for the Dharma

In early May we set out from central Florida on a road trip, a Dharma road trip. Our first destination was Queens, New York, where we were delivering a lady to her friend's home as she was moving back to New York. On the way we sometimes chanted mantras and I sometimes read the 37 Bodhisattva Practices which we discussed. Sometimes the lady we were helping move home would say Yoruba prayers as we crossed rivers. We took the more “scenic route” to be able to show her Myrtle Beach and other sights. When we did stop for the night, the ladies shared a room and I had a room to myself. After we arrived in Queens and unloaded the van, we were treated to an excellent homemade supper and took another overnight rest.

Departing Queens in the morning, we headed for Boston where the sponsor of this trip took care of family matters while I had a good visit with my Lama. I am most fortunate that I have as patient a Lama as I do, because I am not the best at communicating with him as I should nor am I as swift at putting into practice his advice. Nevertheless, he still works with me and doesn't give up on me.

Back in June 2009, I was most fortunate to meet His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche, a genuine mahasiddha. That was a life changing event for me. However, I had not been able to find another opportunity to receive his teachings. Most fortunately, I have now been able to attend additional teachings that he gave as well as a White Tara Retreat that he led.

First, we managed to get to the last afternoon session of teachings he gave in Philadelphia. Indeed this might have been the most fortuitous circumstance in that, although we missed the actual “teachings,” we arrived just in time for a question and answer session. Significantly, there were several questions that I should have asked at some time but never did. These answers were very important for me to hear.

Another important part of our experience with Rinpoche is that we were able to hear his teachings on Bodhisattva vows and receive the vows from him. Although I had wanted to take the vows before, I had not been able to do so yet.

We were next able to attend the White Tara Retreat at Mahwah, New Jersey. Although I had already more than once received a White Tara empowerment, receiving it from Garchen Rinpoche is a very powerful experience. The particular sadhana text that we used is especially dramatic in its visualizations and chants and itself a very moving experience. Furthermore, practicing several times a day with Rinpoche himself is a very powerful spiritual experience. I even learned to play the damaru and bell better by following Rinpoche's lead.

Nevertheless, perhaps the most significant aspect of the whole four days was being in Rinpoche's presence. I was most fortunate that he invited me to sit next to him at most of the meals. One of the things he had talked about in the question and answer session in Philadelphia was that we should quit eating just at the point that we have ceased to be hungry rather than eating until we are sated. Although I had understood this principle, I had always found that point hard to identify and stopping at that point most difficult to do. In Rinpoche's presence, I not only identified when I had ceased to be hungry, but also managed to stop eating when I reached it. I have continued to be able to recognize the point, but I have not always stopped eating when I should. Nonetheless, I can continue to work on it.

When the retreat was over, it was hard to leave. Not only did we want to spend more time with Rinpoche, but we also had made friends with people that we would not soon see again, because we live so far apart. As we did leave, we planned our return trip to Florida to take us far from New York City, because, on our way to Mahwah, we had gotten caught in a construction zone and lost track of highway signs resulting in our taking the Holland Tunnel and driving north through the length of Manhattan. In order to avoid a repeat of that driving experience we headed west into Pennsylvania far enough before heading south that we would be nowhere near New York City. However, we got a little lost in Amish country before getting back to the Interstate Highway System. Sometimes we were driving slowly behind Amish buggies and sometimes behind Mennonite tractors. We were chanting mantras, especially the White Tara mantra. Sometimes we opened the window and chanted the Amitabha mantra at the cows, wishing them a rebirth in Dewachen or at least a better rebirth than this one.

After returning home to Florida, it was only a couple of weeks before I was heading out on another Dharma road trip. There had just been teachings in Pinellas County by the 12 ^th Nubpa Tulku Konchok Tenzin Rinpoche, but I had not been able to get to any of them. I had my biopsy on the first day of the teachings and was not sufficiently recovered from it to make the remaining two days. Therefore, since this was the first U.S, trip for this very special teacher, I was highly motivated to attend whatever of his teachings I might.

On this trip, I set out alone in my sponsor's car to rendezvous with her at one of the DC airports. According to Google Maps that would take from fourteen and a half hours to twenty and a half hours, depending on whether I took the Interstate Highways or the older roads. Since I would be driving alone and at my age I need frequent “pit stops,” I planned to switch back and forth between these routes. Furthermore, with the expected arrival time of my sponsor's flight, there was no point in getting to the DC area too early.

Therefore, after a nap, with the White Tara mantra on the CD player, I set off for a late night drive north. Furthermore, since the car has a display which shows current fuel economy, in another effort to maintain alertness, I decided to make a game of seeing how economically I could drive. Chanting the White Tara mantra with the CD, I sought to project compassion and serenity to all those on the road with me. Occasionally I even sought to generate myself as White Tara in keeping with the practice we did at the White Tara Retreat although I could not stop to read from the text but rather did what I could from memory.

I truly do not know about the benefit of my part in those spiritual practices, but I am certain of the sense which stayed with me that I was not traveling alone and that Arya Tara was indeed blessing my fellow travelers. More than once I was behind an eighteen-wheeler that was wandering from one side to the other of its lane, sometimes crossing the line, only to see them get safely to a rest stop without incident. I cannot know that what I did benefited them, but I felt sure that Tara looked after them, just as I am sure that she looked after me.

I followed US301 through most of the Carolinas which turned out to be most interesting to see the crops in the fields and the wild flowers in bloom. I also saw daylilies growing wild. I even saw something that looked like wheat growing in some fields although I was not aware of wheat being grown in this area. Indeed, if it was wheat, it was a variety which grew shorter than what I am used to seeing. Nevertheless, this and the beautiful small towns made for an interesting ride compared to the boring sights along I95. I also made note of the cheaper motels in case I needed to find one on the return trip.

As I approached Washington, DC, I used GPS navigation on my phone to get through the maze of highways to find the airport. Nevertheless, between the highway construction on I395 and an accident on a ramp, I found myself in a traffic jam just inching along. Since I was moving only a few feet at a time until I got out of the congested area, I not only chanted the White Tara mantra but I also started spinning my prayer wheel. Perhaps all those drivers needed the blessings radiating from the prayer wheel as well as those from the mantra. I am only certain that I remained perfectly calm and peaceful throughout the delay. By the time I reached Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport's cellphone lot, it was evening again. However, my sponsor's flight had been canceled due to bad weather along the route. Not being allowed to be there longer than one hour, I set out for a coffee shop where I could wait while she made her new flight arrangements. Just as the GPS features on my phone had helped me find my way to this airport as well as helping me navigate a few other times already, it showed me coffee shops across the Potomac, in an area called “Crystal City.”

“Crystal City” turned out to be a very upscale collection of hotels and shops and high-rise office buildings. As it happened, all three coffee shops that had shown up from the Internet were already closed by the time I got there. A quick glance at the posted menus at the restaurants in the area showed me that I couldn't afford anything on them. Nevertheless, perhaps these people also needed the blessings radiating from my prayer wheel in addition to just the experience of seeing a Tibetan Buddhist monk. At least a few responded with a slight bow and the greeting, “Namaste,” indicating that they had some idea what I am. In any case, I soon got the call that I needed to get to Baltimore Washington International Airport in a few hours. As it turned out this little excursion was brief enough that I had not incurred a fee for parking, but I did have quite a challenge getting out of the area and back onto a highway.

By the time I got to the part of Maryland near BWI, I had been awake far too long to be safe to drive. Therefore, I checked for a motel that I could afford, but the first few were a bit too costly, especially considering that there would be less than five hours until the flight should arrive. Continuing to look, I found some that rented their rooms by the hour which I could afford. I had not been in a hotel or motel that rented by the hour since my days as a drunken sailor. Interestingly, the young man who rented the room (cash transaction, no ID required) asked me about my robes and I explained that I am a Tibetan Buddhist monk. When I got into my room, I decided that it might not be good to turn back the covers and laid on top of the instead. I soon realized that I could not fall asleep. Therefore, I spent the time chanting, meditating and spinning the prayer wheel until time to get my shower to refresh me for the drive to the airport.

When I went into the airport area, I had trouble finding their cellphone lot and wound up making several circuits of the roads within the airport complex. I even went twice around what would be called the “perimeter road” which encircled the entire property. As soon as I reached at the cellphone lot and parked, I got my call to meet my sponsor at the terminal. We then set out for Boston where Nubpa Rinpoche would be giving a Milarepa Empowerment and teaching on the 100,000 Songs of Milarepa as well as giving a Hayagriva Empowerment on the weekend.

I was most fortunate to be able to receive these empowerments from this specific teacher. A number of people commented on how powerful they were. One lady, comparing the experience with a teaching she had received from a modern Western teacher, said of Nubpa Rinpoche, “He's the real deal.” Personally, I was most profoundly blessed that my Lama directed me to sit immediately to Rinpoche's left at the foot of the stairs by which he went up to the throne. This placed me, according to traditional protocol, in the place of honor only second after his chief attendant and translator, a place I could not deserve but which I was profoundly honored to have had, once I realized its significance.

I was also most honored to take most of my meals with Rinpoche, including going out to eat along with him as one of the monastics when he was invited out to eat. On one such occasion I even was directed by my Lama to participate in the blessing of a home. On another occasion I was an embarrassment by almost falling into a piece of furniture because I had been too foolish to bring my cane with us. Nevertheless, Rinpoche's compassion, loving-kindness and bodhicitta were always apparent. Indeed, I came to feel that he was the definition of “Rinpoche,” a precious one.

On the Monday after the weekend's teachings, a group of us accompanied him to the airport to see him off with katags. Having grabbed the first one at hand before leaving, it turned out to be one of the elaborate ones with all the auspicious symbols in color. While I felt it was perfectly appropriate for how I felt about Rinpoche, I was not sure it was appropriate for a monk to give. Nevertheless, I presented to Rinpoche fully intending to be at his teachings in Frederick, Maryland, the next morning. Having done my laundry and packed, I took a nap before leaving.

Although I maintained a good speed on the highway and was well supported by chanting the White Tara mantra as I drove, my need for frequent “pit stops” put me behind schedule. As it turned out, I arrived after the morning session with the “Ten Dharma Activity” empowerment had already begun. I chose to sit outside on the porch to avoid creating a disturbance and only joined the other monastics inside after the first break.

I soon volunteered to handle “Lama care” which included supplying Rinpoche with his tea. For me this is a very practical extension of Guru Yoga, to serve them with devotion. I felt great joy when Rinpoche told me that I should teach everyone else the recipe for making his tea as it had been made that morning, but I had to humble myself enough to admit to him that although I had made it right, I had also made all the mistakes before that time.

For three and a half days RInpoche taught the Uttaratantra Shastra- the key text on buddhanature and more importantly the main sutra source for Gampopa, Phagmo Drukpa and Jikten Sumgon's mahamudra teachings. These are very profound teachings and I still have not completed transcribing my notes. Most fortunately he also gave us the reading transmission, because I shall probably take a long time studying this fundamental text.

On the weekend, he gave us the "Drikung Great Bodhicitta Generation” empowerment and the related teachings. While this is indeed about generating not only aspiration and action bodhicitta but also ultimate bodhicitta in the mindstream of the student, it is also the taking of Bodhisattva vows in what I would call “long form.” Having so recently taken them with Garchen Rinpoche, it strikes me as not entirely coincidental that Garchen Rinpoche was involved in preparing the text that Nubpa Rinpoche used with us. Also as the ritual involved making offerings to the Lama as the Buddha it seemed most auspicious that I had already been doing so as my duty in “Lama care” and even had made flower offerings by providing a small fresh bouquet of mountain laurel for Rinpoche's desk each day.

This was a most profoundly moving and life changing experience for me. The teachings not only deepened my appreciation for the vows and my commitment for keeping them, but also provided me with practical means for preser4ving and renewing them on a daily basis. Furthermore, Rinpoche explained the steps to mend them, provided we do not let our breach go for longer than one day.

Unfortunately, I could not stay past the weekend because I had a medical appointment that I could not change. Therefore, having washed and packed my clothes, I again set out on the road in the night. This time my goal was to get past Washington, DC, and Richmond, Virginia, before their rush hour traffic. Again I had the White Tara mantra playing on the CD and I chanted along with it. I held the firm commitment to preserve compassion and loving-kindness and whatever little bit of bodhicitta existed in my mindstream.

While I started out from Frederick off of the main highway guided by GPS navigation, it soon seemed that my route was too far off the main highways and I changed the settings to find the Interstate Highways. I had set out early enough that there would not be so much traffic on them anyway. I guess Arya Tara's blessings got spread through these residential and country neighborhoods before they began to be spread to the other drivers on the highways. For much of my drive I alternated between I95 and US301 which helped me avoid the traffic backed up by an accident on the Interstate and gave me the opportunity for a country breakfast.

Although I had already begun looking for a motel room that I could afford, when I reached Lumberton, NC, I knew I had to find one soon. I was too sleepy to drive safely any farther. I was fortunate to find a truckers motel, clean and economical. As it turned out the manager was from India and felt that his sons should know about and appreciate Buddhism even though they are Christian. Unfortunately, I had no books with me that I could have given him (but I mailed him something after I got home). In the predawn hours, having gotten a few provisions for the road and then a good night's sleep, I set out on the road again. By the afternoon, I was returning my sponsor's car and driving my little old pick up back home.

Although the road trip was over, its effects are still evident. I often say, “I exist to serve.” Bodhisattva vows are just the natural extension of that for me as a Tibetan Buddhist monk. I cannot always say how that service may develop, but I must always be ready to act in service of all sentient beings. Furthermore, I must strive vigilantly to preserve these vows from the least attitude or inclination which might be contrary to the compassion and loving-kindness and bodhicitta which must always be the governing principles of my life.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 87 - “Surveillance”

I am now in the phase of this “journey through cancer” that is called “surveillance” during which tests continue to be run to find out whether the cancer has returned. This can be a very fearful time if one has reason to expect the cancer to come back and has no spiritual resources to deal with the uncertainty inherent in this situation.
As a Buddhist I know that whatever the present situation may be, it will change. Such is the nature of impermanence, a basic characteristic of our samsaric existence. Furthermore, I am also certain that my present circumstances result from my decisions and actions in the past, what we call Karma. However, because we are really talking about cause and effect, there are several very bright and promising aspects to this truth. Since all phenomena arise from causes under certain conditions, while I may not be able to alter the cause, I can change the conditions under which it comes to fruition. Moreover, my present decisions and actions create my future which should be good if I maintain altruistic motivation, compassion and loving-kindness.
Recently when I spoke of this “surveillance” phase, a friend said she knew several people who were “under surveillance” because of their past brushes with the law. However, it is not I who am under surveillance, but rather the possible returning cancer. Since my PSA has not gone under 1.0 after the radiation therapy and has twice gone over 4.0, even though it went back down, a prostate biopsy was done. Eleven of the twelve specimens showed no adenocarcinoma cells, but one showed, “Single, Rare atypical cells identified, suspicious for residual treated prostatic adenocarcinoma.” Nevertheless, the overall finding was, “No definitive adenocarcinoma is identified.” With such mixed results another biopsy was scheduled in six months.
I am also going to have another cystoscopy, because in the last one there were some lesions which the urologist felt bore watching. While most of the lesions which “probably” caused the bleeding which sent me to the ER are consistent with what should be expected after radiation therapy, a few were “suspicious.” We'll have another look at those.
Biopsies and cystoscopies are not pleasant procedures which I would rather not have to experience, but I really do not fear their results. If they should show some more cancer cells, we would have decisions to make as far as the next course of treatment. However, under the present circumstances I have my full array of alternatives to continue as preventative measures. I will continue to drink my “medicinal chai” and eat my “medicinal noodles,” but more importantly I shall continue my spiritual practices, Medicine Buddha sadhana practice, “one cure for a hundred ailments” inner yoga practice, and water blessed by “Karmapa black stone relics.” Moreover, as long as I have the strength and means I shall continue to study the Dharma both privately and at public teachings as opportunities arise.
I think this is another time to recall the three fierce mantras of Tsangpa Gyaré, “Whatever has to happen, let it happen!” “Whatever the situation is, it’s fine!” “I don’t need anything whatsoever (but the Dharma)!” And I really don't need anything except the Dharma which is what will get me through any situation whatever in which I find myself. Furthermore, it will keep me focused on what is truly important, being of service to all sentient beings and leading them all to Enlightenment.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 86 - Testing, Testing....

As we progress through the testing to follow up on both the high PSA which has since gone down and the urinary bleeding which has since cleared up, I had to have a cystoscopy. Although the fiberoptic "scope" is not nearly as large as the one used for a colonoscopy, it is also passing through a much smaller structure. My previous experience with this procedure was "pain-free," but this time it was not. Oddly, at that time I had a painfully overly full bladder in addition to painful urination, but not even the anesthetic injections hurt. This time I have painful injections and end up with painful urination after the anesthetic wore off and even a little bleeding. Nevertheless, the pain did go away.
I would have hoped to have some definitive answers, but the results were mixed. There are lesions that are consistent with normal post-radiation changes which were probably the source of the bleeding. However, there are also some which bear watching to see whether they develop into a problem. Thus I am to be scheduled for another cystoscopy in a couple of months. At least it won't be the same day as the biopsy which would be too much in one day.
Despite the better PSA, it does seem best that the biopsy be done, because this is the second time since the radiation therapy that my PSA went too high and then came back down. Furthermore, my PSA has never gotten below 1 which would have been the expected value after successful radiation treatments. Of course, after the biopsy is done, I have to wait weeks for the result. Furthermore, this time the aftereffects were more significant to the extent that I was concerned that the bleeding would last long enough that I had to go back to the VA Hospital about it. That would have been very annoying because I already missed some very special teachings in the Tampa Bay area and I would have also missed out on the chance to receive teachings from His Eminence Garchen Rinpoche and attend a retreat led by him.
I see that I exist to serve, which means that I need to seek opportunities to serve as well as learning to serve. Furthermore, I must carefully survey the circumstances in which I find myself to find ways that they may be transformed into something which benefits others. One of the great truths of Buddhism is that we do not exist alone, but depend on others and others depend on us. We are not separate from all sentient beings, but rather are connected to them both by interdependence and by familial relationships.

An Armadillo Funeral

This morning as soon as I could handle it, the armadillo that I had found dead in my driveway last night got a respectful burial. I am sure that it had had a difficult life as any wild animal would which finds itself living in close proximity to human beings. Furthermore, its body had been partially eaten last night when I found it and even more during the night.
I cannot say that it was an elegant funeral, but rather more of a pragmatic burial. In fact, I don't know what should be done for a proper Buddhist funeral and I am not a Lama or even a Bhikkhu. Nevertheless I chanted the Amitabha mantra and tried to focus my mind on the intention that this poor animal would have a good rebirth, perhaps as a human being. Afterward, I placed a wide board over the site in order that the body not be disturbed again but be able to peacefully decay.
In the light of many Buddhist teachings and principles, this was a great lesson. Once again we see another example of impermanence, in that everything born will die. Furthermore, I was given an opportunity to practice loving-kindness and compassion by chanting mantras and hoping for its good rebirth. Moreover, this was a good reminder that we are all related to all other sentient beings. Finally, we are so often reminded that all the good we do is for the benefit of all sentient beings such as this poor armadillo.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 85 – Waiting and Preparing continues

The results of the culture of the urine specimen have come back negative. Nothing grew. Of course this points up the reason the urologist was not in a hurry to order the cystoscopy, the risk of introducing contamination into the sterile environment of the bladder. However, the urinalysis also revealed red blood cells which did not surprise me, because there have been a few more occasions of minor bleeding sufficient to tint my urine pink but not nearly as much as sent me to the ER.

A consequence of the little bit of blood in the urine is that, even though it is too little to see, it irritates the bladder enough to cause “urinary urgency.” On a couple of occasions I have not been fast enough getting to the bathroom. Therefore, I am going to make two adjustments. First, I have packed my “just in case bag” again, this time to handle my needs if I have a urinary accident away from home. Second, I have begun wearing urinary incontinence pads anytime I leave the house. I really had not anticipated taking these measures at this point, although I expected to need them once we got through diagnosis and treatment planning and the actual therapy had begun. Nevertheless, this has been characteristic of this particular journey, adapting to situations as they arise no matter what the plan might have been.

I benefit neither myself nor anyone else unless I am dealing with my circumstances as they actually are, not trying to fit them into the mold of what I would want them to be or to any form that I might imagine them to be. Indeed, in part, wasn't the Buddha's enlightenment about seeing reality as it truly is rather than being deceived by any illusion or delusion. Of course, I realize that my perception of reality is far from the state of enlightenment, but I also recognize that in that perception is a great power for change. Indeed, I am not using my feeble power in an effort to change the course of the universe, but rather using that power which I do have to change what is within my scope to change.

After many discussions of good and bad Karma, I have come to believe that there is no such thing as bad Karma. While I would not likely have chosen my circumstances of dealing with nearly dying so often and having so much medical stuff in my life, I can see the good that has come of it as well as understanding the origins of it in my own actions in previous rebirths. Karma is Karma. The causes were created by the decisions I made and the actions that I took. Now I have to ride out the waves of their consequences. Here in Florida, when a storm is offshore surfers flock to the beaches to ride the waves that come from it. They find their enjoyment in those waves regardless of the destructive power that created them. Similarly, the “wave” is here, I might as well find the good in riding it to shore.

I already know that my experience has benefited others when I have done hospital visitation. However, that was as Christian clergy which opened the door for me more than now as a Buddhist monk. Perhaps I need to be more persistent in making my availability known to the chaplains of the local hospitals and hospice organizations. While health issues may put some limits on my ability to serve in this manner, I have to put forth a greater effort, because this is not about me but about being of greatest benefit to other sentient beings.

The third and fourth of the “six perfections” are patience and perseverance (or diligence). While I wouldn't claim to have fully accomplished or to faultlessly practice the first and second, generosity and ethics, my present circumstances are giving me extensive opportunities to practice patience and perseverance.

Patiently or impatiently I have to wait the time it takes for tests to be scheduled and the results to be interpreted. I can do little to speed up the process. However, I do have control over how much discomfort the waiting causes. This is particularly true since I have a course of action that does not depend on the results of the tests or the diagnosis that ultimately comes from them.

This is where perseverance or diligence comes into the picture. Whether is is the nutritional support and alternative therapy basics or the spiritual practices, both need to be carried out on a continuing basis. If I am to get their benefits, I need to keep up drinking the herbal teas and eating the “medicinal noodles” and the greens. Furthermore, as I was taught about the “one cure for a hundred diseases,” I am supposed to do it daily for twenty-one days. At least I am remaining consistent in drinking the water blessed by the Karmapa black stone relics, even making my coffee and tea with it.

At this stage, my PSA has gone back down to be within the “normal” range. Nevertheless, we are going ahead with the cystoscopy and the biopsy. Of course this makes sense, because it is the second time that my PSA has gone high and then come back down.

Several weeks ago when I visited the Thai Buddhist temple in Kissimmee, I explained to the abbot that I was there to visit the shrines, because there was a possibility that the cancer had come back. He very offhandedly said, “They won't find anything.” I hope he is right. If that should be the result (a significant possibility since the PSA is down), I could view it in two different ways: either there never was any cancer to find or my alternative and spiritual treatment regimen worked. Of course there is no way to distinguish between those options, because they are perceptions.

This is rather like the difference between reality as it actually is and our perceptions of the phenomena we experience. Since I am not an enlightened being, although I like all sentient beings possess Buddhanature, I really cannot yet see past the appearance. Of course many of our Tibetan Buddhist practices as well as teachings by so many Lamas refer to the union of appearance and emptiness. I have not reached that state of realization, but I can aspire to it.

Meanwhile, I can try to utilize my experience to benefit all sentient beings. Furthermore, this kind of experience over so many years seems to have resulted in my having a particular affinity for Medicine Buddha practice. That is something that I have been doing to benefit all sentient beings.