Last night I was working on high tech lessons from our teachers. One was a CD with mp3 files of Khenchen Gyaltsen and Khenpo Tsultrim chanting the first two sections of “the Preliminary Practices of the Incomparable Drikung Kagyu” which I copied to my desktop computer and then identified each track. The second was an mpg file of Lama Konchok Sonam chanting the Amitayus Long Life Sadhana that I plan to watch to make notes of the actions for the practice. I even converted that to a DVD that can be played on some of the newer DVD players.
We are most blessed that Tibetan Buddhism has come to the West with such wonderful teachers. However, there are only so many teachers and America is so large that we sometimes see them so seldom. On the other hand we can use the technologies we have to make the most of the visits we do get.
I can use these to help me learn to chant in Tibetan as well as review teachings from such great teachers. During the time of my radiation therapy, I was able to listen to lectures by H. E. Garchen as well as Lama Zopa Rinpoche and Lama Yeshe. While I value everything I am able to learn this way in addition to the great books that are becoming available in English, I realize that they are not a complete substitute for personal teachings and transmissions. Nevertheless, if the choice were between receiving teachings by these newer technological means or not being able to receive them at all because the teachers are not nearby, then we are most fortunate that we have any way to study the Dharma.
I know that all through the process of the diagnosis and treatment of my cancer every book that I read, every teaching and empowerment that I received, every recorded lecture that I heard, every online video of a Dharma talk, every one of these helped me through it all. Moreover, these helped to make this a positive spiritual experience. Furthermore, they turned it from the working out of my own karma to something that can benefit other sentient beings. Even more, they made it clear that the best use of the remainder of my life will be in service to the Dharma for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Perhaps, in the future I can use my technical knowledge and skills also in service of the Dharma. I do know that as easy as things like Skype are to use, we can get teachings despite the distance from our teachers. However, I have to beware the eight worldly dharmas, especially being happy if you become well known or being unhappy if you are not well known as well as being happy if you are praised or being unhappy if you are not praised. Nevertheless, for the good that can be done I have to trust in the help of my sangha and especially my elders in monastic life. This is about more than just me. It is about serving all sentient beings.
It is precisely this that has elevated my “journey through cancer” from the working out or purification of my own karma to something that can help others. Furthermore, this is what elevates all of our life experiences to something that benefits all sentient beings. Isn't that really what we are supposed to do if we have compassion, bodhicitta?
Whether I “sweep the monastery,” set up for a teaching or configure a computer for a video conference with one of our precious teachers, the whole point of it is serving the Dharma. Just as my years as a taxi driver turned into a benefit to my abbot when I became a Russian Orthodox monk and his driver. Similarly, anything that we have ever done, any skill that we have mastered can serve the Dharma as long as we keep from the eight worldly dharmas. On the other hand, if they are a problem to us, it would be better to forget all those skills, and devote ourselves to the study and practice of the Dharma.
For myself, I can only see the benefit in any of the things that I may do if they increase altruistic motivation, promote enlightenment, give birth to bodhicitta, or enhance our compassion. I guess that is the measure for the activities to which I should commit myself. Quite significantly, I find that my aspiration for monastic ordination passes this very test.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 42 – An Addendum to Aspirations, Commitments and Promises
Contemplating the path of Tibetan Buddhist monasticism for myself, I have read the monastic precepts in several different translations and from several different traditions. At first glance, it looks like anywhere from around 250 to more than 300 “thou shall nots,” especially to the Western eye influenced by the Judeo-Christian 10 Commandments and countless Levitical laws. However, the bulk of such prohibitions entered into the text because of someone's downfall and the potential of another falling into the same trap. Nevertheless, this can leave one in the condition of “not seeing the forest for the trees.”
When I pull back from the minutia of the individual precepts to view their whole scope, I see a great plan laid out having two sweeping effects. First, growing out of the hard experience of those who have been monks all the way back to the time of Shakyamuni Buddha, we are spared from nonvirtue and its consequent karmic results. We could easily stop there. Indeed many do, but such a view of the precepts could make them burdensome and confining like chains.
On the other hand, however, the second effect is liberating. Everyday laypeople make countless little decisions, what to wear, what to eat and when, which fragrance to use, how to fix their hair, what to do and when, and so many more. For the monastic so many of these decisions are already made by the precepts. Furthermore, many concerns that go with these choices are also removed. Monks and nuns no longer need to consider whether another likes a hairstyle or a fashion choice, because the shaved head and the robes are all the same. They no longer need to plan their day for the most part, because their practice is prescribed by their abbot or abbess or other preceptor. They no longer need to choose food, because it is whatever is provided in alms rounds or the equivalent.
O f course, in the West, some of these conditions may not exist as purely as they are written in the precepts, but the underlying principles still apply. Nevertheless, with such concerns removed and energy not being expended on the lay person's activities for them, time, energy and attention can be focused on study and practice. Instead of striving to gain a promotion in a corporation, the monastic can strive to overcome attachments. Instead of wondering what a neighbor thinks, the monastic can examine his or her thought patterns. Instead of struggling to have the financial resources to pay the mortgage and other bills and still save for the children's education, the monastic can seek the resources to advance toward enlightenment and prepare for death and its transformations.
Needless to say, this is not a complete commentary of the Vinaya, indeed hardly one at all. However, it is just the barest outline of how I see the precepts that will guide my life after I am ordained a Tibettan Buddhist monk as compared to the rules under which I have previously lived as an Orthodox Christian monk. In fact, it is just this kind of self-examination and reflection that reveals the difference between the previous flight from reality and the present radical engagement with it.
While it may be possible to attain enlightenment as a lay person and monastic ordination does not assure enlightenment, the monastic precepts are a valuable aid toward that result. Not only must one stop accumulating negative karma, but one must also accumulate merit instead. Not only must one cease nonvirtue, but one must focus all of one's energies and attention toward the path to enlightenment. Hence we gain by removing all those concerns which bind the householder and taking on the bonds of the precepts which are liberating rather than confining.
Finally, all this would come to nothing without compassion, because every step on the path is for the benefit of all sentient beings.
When I pull back from the minutia of the individual precepts to view their whole scope, I see a great plan laid out having two sweeping effects. First, growing out of the hard experience of those who have been monks all the way back to the time of Shakyamuni Buddha, we are spared from nonvirtue and its consequent karmic results. We could easily stop there. Indeed many do, but such a view of the precepts could make them burdensome and confining like chains.
On the other hand, however, the second effect is liberating. Everyday laypeople make countless little decisions, what to wear, what to eat and when, which fragrance to use, how to fix their hair, what to do and when, and so many more. For the monastic so many of these decisions are already made by the precepts. Furthermore, many concerns that go with these choices are also removed. Monks and nuns no longer need to consider whether another likes a hairstyle or a fashion choice, because the shaved head and the robes are all the same. They no longer need to plan their day for the most part, because their practice is prescribed by their abbot or abbess or other preceptor. They no longer need to choose food, because it is whatever is provided in alms rounds or the equivalent.
O f course, in the West, some of these conditions may not exist as purely as they are written in the precepts, but the underlying principles still apply. Nevertheless, with such concerns removed and energy not being expended on the lay person's activities for them, time, energy and attention can be focused on study and practice. Instead of striving to gain a promotion in a corporation, the monastic can strive to overcome attachments. Instead of wondering what a neighbor thinks, the monastic can examine his or her thought patterns. Instead of struggling to have the financial resources to pay the mortgage and other bills and still save for the children's education, the monastic can seek the resources to advance toward enlightenment and prepare for death and its transformations.
Needless to say, this is not a complete commentary of the Vinaya, indeed hardly one at all. However, it is just the barest outline of how I see the precepts that will guide my life after I am ordained a Tibettan Buddhist monk as compared to the rules under which I have previously lived as an Orthodox Christian monk. In fact, it is just this kind of self-examination and reflection that reveals the difference between the previous flight from reality and the present radical engagement with it.
While it may be possible to attain enlightenment as a lay person and monastic ordination does not assure enlightenment, the monastic precepts are a valuable aid toward that result. Not only must one stop accumulating negative karma, but one must also accumulate merit instead. Not only must one cease nonvirtue, but one must focus all of one's energies and attention toward the path to enlightenment. Hence we gain by removing all those concerns which bind the householder and taking on the bonds of the precepts which are liberating rather than confining.
Finally, all this would come to nothing without compassion, because every step on the path is for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 42 – Aspirations, Commitments and Promises
Last night I attended the meditation class and Dharma talk at our Dharma Center, my first time to see our center president and resident monk since his ordination. It was so wonderful to see how much joy this has brought him. He is such an asset to the center and a treasure for all of us who are committed to the study and practice of the Dharma.
We discussed the fact that arrangements could have been made for me to attend the Spring Retreat and receive ordination the same time he was ordained. However, when Lama Sonam was here, we agreed that after my radiation treatments were finished and I had recovered from them and weather had warmed up in Boston, I should make the trip to spend time at the center there. Furthermore, Lama Gursam will be there for teachings and Medicine Buddha empowerment on the most auspicious day of Saga Dawa. As if that were not enough, our most beloved H.E. Garchen Rinpoche will be there for teachings and empowerments the next weekend after that.
While my aspiration and personal wish would be to be ordained as soon as possible, I feel that my promise, my commitment, to my root lama must come first at least this one time. Furthermore, there are few opportunities like that afforded by these teachers being in Boston when I can make the trip. I could not have made both the retreat and this trip. Therefore, I must set aside my own aspirations for the time being. However, the prospect of my 60th birthday this year makes it clear that I cannot wait too long. As I've recognized before now, it is a simple fact that I have fewer years ahead of me in this lifetime than I have behind me. We often speak of how rare “precious human life” is and I know that I cannot afford to waste it.
I am most fortunate to have the opportunities afforded by such a life. Moreover I am most blessed to have the teachers that I have, from the thousands of little teachers in the bee tree to the fully realized teacher, His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche. Furthermore, to have the guidance of Lama Konchok Sonam, whom I knew instantly that I could trust, is beyond price. Even the guidance of the newly ordained Venerable Konchok Gedun cannot be underestimated, because he, at his young age, has been on this Tibetan Buddhist path much longer in this lifetime than I have.
Right now, I have the commitments made in taking refuge and those of my Ngakkpa ordination to fulfill on a daily basis. While I know that I am not perfect in my fulfillment of these or of my daily practice overall, I can grow in this as I wait for my opportunity for monastic ordination. In the publication PREPARING FOR ORDINATION: Reflections for Westerners Considering Monastic Ordination in the Tibetan Buddhist Tradition, edited by Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron, Upasaka Guy Rom writes, “ I hope to be ordained when I am confident to keep the precepts purely in a peaceful, happy state of mind. Then being ordained will benefit my practice and that in turn will benefit many other people as well. In the meantime, I will try to live according to the precepts while wearing lay clothes and having long hair, and practice being a monastic before actually becoming one.”
This is wise advice for my present circumstances, because I still have to prepare for that big step. I cannot assume that my experience as an Orthodox Christian monk does much to prepare me for Tibetan Buddhist monasticism. There may be some similarities, but it seems that there are greater differences much as there is a difference between “rules” and “precepts” or “samayas.” However, I cannot afford to dwell on such things, but rather I must focus on enhancing my practice and furthering my study which are basic both to my present life as a layman and Ngakpa and to my eventual life as a monk.
I know that I have much work to do, because I continue to suffer the effects of the “three poisons,” ignorance, anger and attachment. Ignorance is perhaps the easiest with which to deal because study on all levels helps to eradicate it. With regard to anger I have made considerable progress over the years, but then there was so much room for improvement because of trouble with rage. Nevertheless, I still have much progress yet to make. However, attachments are probably the hardest to eliminate or even to recognize. I just made the statement last night that I find that when I seek to bend a spiritual rule, I am revealing an attachment. Indeed, almost everything that I do can reveal an attachment since I still have so many. Whether they are attachments to things, persons, concepts, reputation, position, status or any such thing, they are hard to uproot. Nevertheless, it is this work that must be done whether I am a layman or a monk. And yet I do believe that the precepts or vows of a monk help with this.
In all these considerations my aspirations and promises must serve my commitment to the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha, and that not just for myself alone, but rather for the benefit of all sentient beings. Isn't that precisely what I'm talking about when I pray, “In the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha most excellent, I take refuge until enlightenment is reached. By the merit of generosity and other good deeds, May I attain Buddhahood for the sake of all sentient beings.”
We discussed the fact that arrangements could have been made for me to attend the Spring Retreat and receive ordination the same time he was ordained. However, when Lama Sonam was here, we agreed that after my radiation treatments were finished and I had recovered from them and weather had warmed up in Boston, I should make the trip to spend time at the center there. Furthermore, Lama Gursam will be there for teachings and Medicine Buddha empowerment on the most auspicious day of Saga Dawa. As if that were not enough, our most beloved H.E. Garchen Rinpoche will be there for teachings and empowerments the next weekend after that.
While my aspiration and personal wish would be to be ordained as soon as possible, I feel that my promise, my commitment, to my root lama must come first at least this one time. Furthermore, there are few opportunities like that afforded by these teachers being in Boston when I can make the trip. I could not have made both the retreat and this trip. Therefore, I must set aside my own aspirations for the time being. However, the prospect of my 60th birthday this year makes it clear that I cannot wait too long. As I've recognized before now, it is a simple fact that I have fewer years ahead of me in this lifetime than I have behind me. We often speak of how rare “precious human life” is and I know that I cannot afford to waste it.
I am most fortunate to have the opportunities afforded by such a life. Moreover I am most blessed to have the teachers that I have, from the thousands of little teachers in the bee tree to the fully realized teacher, His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche. Furthermore, to have the guidance of Lama Konchok Sonam, whom I knew instantly that I could trust, is beyond price. Even the guidance of the newly ordained Venerable Konchok Gedun cannot be underestimated, because he, at his young age, has been on this Tibetan Buddhist path much longer in this lifetime than I have.
Right now, I have the commitments made in taking refuge and those of my Ngakkpa ordination to fulfill on a daily basis. While I know that I am not perfect in my fulfillment of these or of my daily practice overall, I can grow in this as I wait for my opportunity for monastic ordination. In the publication PREPARING FOR ORDINATION: Reflections for Westerners Considering Monastic Ordination in the Tibetan Buddhist Tradition, edited by Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron, Upasaka Guy Rom writes, “ I hope to be ordained when I am confident to keep the precepts purely in a peaceful, happy state of mind. Then being ordained will benefit my practice and that in turn will benefit many other people as well. In the meantime, I will try to live according to the precepts while wearing lay clothes and having long hair, and practice being a monastic before actually becoming one.”
This is wise advice for my present circumstances, because I still have to prepare for that big step. I cannot assume that my experience as an Orthodox Christian monk does much to prepare me for Tibetan Buddhist monasticism. There may be some similarities, but it seems that there are greater differences much as there is a difference between “rules” and “precepts” or “samayas.” However, I cannot afford to dwell on such things, but rather I must focus on enhancing my practice and furthering my study which are basic both to my present life as a layman and Ngakpa and to my eventual life as a monk.
I know that I have much work to do, because I continue to suffer the effects of the “three poisons,” ignorance, anger and attachment. Ignorance is perhaps the easiest with which to deal because study on all levels helps to eradicate it. With regard to anger I have made considerable progress over the years, but then there was so much room for improvement because of trouble with rage. Nevertheless, I still have much progress yet to make. However, attachments are probably the hardest to eliminate or even to recognize. I just made the statement last night that I find that when I seek to bend a spiritual rule, I am revealing an attachment. Indeed, almost everything that I do can reveal an attachment since I still have so many. Whether they are attachments to things, persons, concepts, reputation, position, status or any such thing, they are hard to uproot. Nevertheless, it is this work that must be done whether I am a layman or a monk. And yet I do believe that the precepts or vows of a monk help with this.
In all these considerations my aspirations and promises must serve my commitment to the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha, and that not just for myself alone, but rather for the benefit of all sentient beings. Isn't that precisely what I'm talking about when I pray, “In the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha most excellent, I take refuge until enlightenment is reached. By the merit of generosity and other good deeds, May I attain Buddhahood for the sake of all sentient beings.”
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 41 – Our Teachers
Friday before last, our Center held a memorial for a Dharma sister who was much beloved and influential in many people's lives, including mine. Although I was fortunate enough to know her, it was not for a very long time.
As I described in “Chapter 10 – The Spiritual Preparations,” I was fortunate to spend time in a retreat and with my root lama just before starting radiation therapy. It was around this same time that I met our beloved Carmen. At this critical time in my life she said some of the most important and influential things to guide me through this journey. She talked about living the Dharma in our daily affairs. Of course, this was just before I really needed to do just that. Therefore, although I had not intended to say anything at the memorial only wishing to be there to honor her, I had to briefly say that she had done so much for me with her words at such an important time.
It is easy to see that Lama Konchok Sonam and Khenpo Tsultrim are my teachers. However, Carmen is no less one of my teachers as well, just as are the newly ordained Venerable Konchok Gedun and all my other vajra brothers and sisters. Properly valuing my teachers is quite important right now, because I am about to make a trip to Boston to attend teachings and empowerments from both Lama Gursam and H.E. Garchen Rinpoche. Not only that, but I will be able to participate in the daily life at the Tibetan Meditation Center there and get personal guidance from my root lama.
Last night, for the first time this season, I was able to attend a “Sobriety Sweat” sweat lodge led by my friend Jimmy. One of the profound realizations that came from this particular lodge is that the colony of bees that I am trying to get into a hive are thousands of small teachers for me. While I had thought that I was working to save the lives of other sentient beings, I had no idea of the great service that they were doing for me. Nevertheless, it should not be such a surprise, because, as a Native American descendant, I have understood “totem animals” as spiritual guides and teachers and messengers. Honeybees are just a little smaller than most of these.
Furthermore, I can now see that my current monastic “calling” is not merely the repetition of old patterns but rather a more mature following of my karmic path. Likewise, it is most fortunate that I have this opportunity. As I contemplate my next birthday being my 60th, three things are clear: 1) no opportunity to learn can be neglected, 2) every teacher must be treasured and 3) at my age, I have no time to waste. Therefore, monastic ordination both removes the obstacles that ordinary life presents to the path to enlightenment and also offers me the opportunity to serve the Dharma at the very least as a helper for our great teachers.
For this reason, one of the most important things that I may accomplish during my stay in Boston just might be planning for my ordination, when, where, and how. I would love to be able to return from there as a novice monk, a getsul. While that may be more than I can expect, I can truly hope that I shall have been able to plan for it and commit myself to it.
At any rate, in the short term, I look forward to seeing my vajra brother Venerable Konchok Gedun to personally congratulate him on his ordination. However, in the intermediate term, I look forward both to receiving teachings from the great teachers who will be in Boston and to serving these same teachers. Finally, in the long term, I look forward to my own ordination and the commitment to the Dharma our teachers who serve it that ordination entails.
As I described in “Chapter 10 – The Spiritual Preparations,” I was fortunate to spend time in a retreat and with my root lama just before starting radiation therapy. It was around this same time that I met our beloved Carmen. At this critical time in my life she said some of the most important and influential things to guide me through this journey. She talked about living the Dharma in our daily affairs. Of course, this was just before I really needed to do just that. Therefore, although I had not intended to say anything at the memorial only wishing to be there to honor her, I had to briefly say that she had done so much for me with her words at such an important time.
It is easy to see that Lama Konchok Sonam and Khenpo Tsultrim are my teachers. However, Carmen is no less one of my teachers as well, just as are the newly ordained Venerable Konchok Gedun and all my other vajra brothers and sisters. Properly valuing my teachers is quite important right now, because I am about to make a trip to Boston to attend teachings and empowerments from both Lama Gursam and H.E. Garchen Rinpoche. Not only that, but I will be able to participate in the daily life at the Tibetan Meditation Center there and get personal guidance from my root lama.
Last night, for the first time this season, I was able to attend a “Sobriety Sweat” sweat lodge led by my friend Jimmy. One of the profound realizations that came from this particular lodge is that the colony of bees that I am trying to get into a hive are thousands of small teachers for me. While I had thought that I was working to save the lives of other sentient beings, I had no idea of the great service that they were doing for me. Nevertheless, it should not be such a surprise, because, as a Native American descendant, I have understood “totem animals” as spiritual guides and teachers and messengers. Honeybees are just a little smaller than most of these.
Furthermore, I can now see that my current monastic “calling” is not merely the repetition of old patterns but rather a more mature following of my karmic path. Likewise, it is most fortunate that I have this opportunity. As I contemplate my next birthday being my 60th, three things are clear: 1) no opportunity to learn can be neglected, 2) every teacher must be treasured and 3) at my age, I have no time to waste. Therefore, monastic ordination both removes the obstacles that ordinary life presents to the path to enlightenment and also offers me the opportunity to serve the Dharma at the very least as a helper for our great teachers.
For this reason, one of the most important things that I may accomplish during my stay in Boston just might be planning for my ordination, when, where, and how. I would love to be able to return from there as a novice monk, a getsul. While that may be more than I can expect, I can truly hope that I shall have been able to plan for it and commit myself to it.
At any rate, in the short term, I look forward to seeing my vajra brother Venerable Konchok Gedun to personally congratulate him on his ordination. However, in the intermediate term, I look forward both to receiving teachings from the great teachers who will be in Boston and to serving these same teachers. Finally, in the long term, I look forward to my own ordination and the commitment to the Dharma our teachers who serve it that ordination entails.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 40 – Officially from the Oncologist
Monday I had my appointment with the radiation oncologist to get the “official” word on the results the tests. Of course, following the current protocols in oncology today, he won't say anything definitive yet about whether we got the tumor, but he did say that the PSA test value of 1.7 was excellent. Furthermore, his digital rectal exam did not detect anything at all. Finally, he agreed that the absence of any prostate symptoms was also a good indication.
He wants to see me in another three months with another PSA test, as we continue the “surveillance” phase of the treatment plan. I do understand from the books I've read and the experience of other patients that I won't be declared a “survivor” officially until several years have passed cancer free. Nevertheless, I have pulled out the “I am a survivor” t-shirt that I bought weeks ago, even before my treatments were finished. I plan to start wearing it, because I now consider myself a survivor. I really don't care whether I meet the criteria to be “officially” a survivor. I am one now.
Once again I have survived another brush with death. However, I must not lose sight of the spiritual significance of this experience. Although death has come close and yet I still remain alive, I must remember that my death sooner of later will occur, possibly without warning. I can never know how long I have left to live. Nevertheless, the certainty of death and change are great truths with which we must come to terms. Furthermore, this helps us to establish the true value of everything else in our lives.
With that perspective, distractions which divert us from the path to enlightenment for ourselves and all other sentient beings are bad. On the other hand' everything that serves the cause of enlightenment for ourselves and all other sentient beings is good. Compassion, which is prerequisite to enlightenment, must have the highest value in our lives. Indeed, it is the force for all the good in our world, but its absence is a source of evil in our world. All the usual pursuits to accumulate money, property, fame and such are worthless. Furthermore, what we do to benefit ourselves alone is of little value, but what we do for the enlightenment of all sentient beings is of the greatest value.
He wants to see me in another three months with another PSA test, as we continue the “surveillance” phase of the treatment plan. I do understand from the books I've read and the experience of other patients that I won't be declared a “survivor” officially until several years have passed cancer free. Nevertheless, I have pulled out the “I am a survivor” t-shirt that I bought weeks ago, even before my treatments were finished. I plan to start wearing it, because I now consider myself a survivor. I really don't care whether I meet the criteria to be “officially” a survivor. I am one now.
Once again I have survived another brush with death. However, I must not lose sight of the spiritual significance of this experience. Although death has come close and yet I still remain alive, I must remember that my death sooner of later will occur, possibly without warning. I can never know how long I have left to live. Nevertheless, the certainty of death and change are great truths with which we must come to terms. Furthermore, this helps us to establish the true value of everything else in our lives.
With that perspective, distractions which divert us from the path to enlightenment for ourselves and all other sentient beings are bad. On the other hand' everything that serves the cause of enlightenment for ourselves and all other sentient beings is good. Compassion, which is prerequisite to enlightenment, must have the highest value in our lives. Indeed, it is the force for all the good in our world, but its absence is a source of evil in our world. All the usual pursuits to accumulate money, property, fame and such are worthless. Furthermore, what we do to benefit ourselves alone is of little value, but what we do for the enlightenment of all sentient beings is of the greatest value.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 39 – The Illusion of Plans and the Reality of Accomplishments and Realizations
The full moon coming Friday night a little before or after midnight, Saturday seemed a particularly auspicious day for a spiritual practice. Therefore, I had made my plan to make the pilgrimage to the replica shrines at Wat Florida Dhammaram. I had set for myself an ambitious practice of prostrations and circumambulations. However, I was not able to fulfill the plan that way. Between the exhaustion from the level of activity of the past few days and the fact that I am not as recovered from my cancer treatments as I like to think I am, I had to follow a more modest program. Nevertheless, I did more than I was able to do on my last pilgrimage visit.
Most curiously, in the replica shrine for the Parinibbana Temple of Kusinara India as I chanted a mala round for the benefit of the bees that had died or would yet die in my effort to get them from the tree into a hive two lizards came out and watched me. Furthermore, there was a family of sandhill cranes walking by as I circumambulated the shrine. As if that was not enough, as I went to the rest room before leaving, a squirrel came down a tree and chattered at me, thoroughly unafraid. It seemed as though all of these members of the animal realm understood intuitively what I was doing for the bees and why.
Before I left for this pilgrimage, I stopped by my sister's house to check on the bees. I found that they did not seem to be coming and going through our hive box. Instead, I found that they were able to enter and exit the tree through other holes in the top of the limb with space between the tree and the plywood. When I took the top off the box I did see a few bees inside, but not many. When we returned from the full moon ritual at CUUPS, I “suited up” in my long sleeve shirt and bee veil and used a hole saw to cut another hole for the bees to enter the box. I had intended to also block off the ability the bees to bypass the box. However, the bees were so disturbed that I had to postpone that part of the operation for another time and plan to use smoke to clear them away from the area. The good news was that there were many more bees in the box and whole lot rushed into the box through the new hole.
With regard to these two things, the plans did not come to fulfillment in reality. Nevertheless, the reality of what was accomplished was most satisfactory if unexpected. The pilgrimage was a very satisfying expression of my joy for my surviving cancer. At the same time, our bees are checking out the hive box and may soon start using it. Furthermore, this is turning out to be a continuing learning experience of the practical aspects of my “bee-centric” philosophy of beekeeping from a Buddhist perspective.
In quite a different direction, I have written of my history of trouble with sex and relationships. Indeed this was so bad that after a horrific marriage I fled into a Russian Orthodox monastery to avoid being hurt again. Celibacy seemed the perfectly logical choice to make under the circumstances, but it was not for any good spiritual reason,.rather more from fear than from faith.
I have felt drawn toward monasticism again since I came to Tibetan Buddhism, but I did not want to enter it in the same manner as I entered Russian Orthodox monasticism. Toward that end I sought to immerse myself in a succession of Beltaine festivals to bring forth the truth. As I've written previously, I had come to believe that it is not my Karma to have a married life especially considering that, even under ideal circumstances, I cannot live so many more years that being married would be superior to serving all sentient beings as a Buddhist monk.
My conclusion came as a result of my own review of my own history with regard to both sex and relationships. The part that caused me the most emotional pain was the fact that I never seemed to be attractive to women as a potential partner. Although I am strictly heterosexual in my interests, it has been particularly distressing that I seem to be of greater interest to gay men than to straight women. Growing up in a matriarchy, I have always been able to the see female point of view better than most men. Indeed I could easily see both the male and female perspective. Furthermore, being as good at sewing as at mechanical and electronic repairs certainly was not very macho.
The latest full moon ritual at CUUPS was yet another Beltaine celebration full of fertility symbolism and sexual references. This again brought up these kinds of issues. However, in the middle of the ritual I had the realization that it is not my Karma to deal with the duality of male-female relationships but rather to transcend them. I have memories from both lifetimes lived as men as well as lifetimes lived as women. Furthermore, being able to see both points of view so readily seems more rare than I would have expected. On the other hand, this would be most appropriate for one who was to go beyond the limitations of male-female duality. My finding my way back to the Tibetan Buddhist path, even though centuries may have passed, is a very positive Karmic result of actions in previous lifetimes. On that path to Enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings all dualities, not just this one, are to be transcended in perfect Buddhahood.
Most curiously, in the replica shrine for the Parinibbana Temple of Kusinara India as I chanted a mala round for the benefit of the bees that had died or would yet die in my effort to get them from the tree into a hive two lizards came out and watched me. Furthermore, there was a family of sandhill cranes walking by as I circumambulated the shrine. As if that was not enough, as I went to the rest room before leaving, a squirrel came down a tree and chattered at me, thoroughly unafraid. It seemed as though all of these members of the animal realm understood intuitively what I was doing for the bees and why.
Before I left for this pilgrimage, I stopped by my sister's house to check on the bees. I found that they did not seem to be coming and going through our hive box. Instead, I found that they were able to enter and exit the tree through other holes in the top of the limb with space between the tree and the plywood. When I took the top off the box I did see a few bees inside, but not many. When we returned from the full moon ritual at CUUPS, I “suited up” in my long sleeve shirt and bee veil and used a hole saw to cut another hole for the bees to enter the box. I had intended to also block off the ability the bees to bypass the box. However, the bees were so disturbed that I had to postpone that part of the operation for another time and plan to use smoke to clear them away from the area. The good news was that there were many more bees in the box and whole lot rushed into the box through the new hole.
With regard to these two things, the plans did not come to fulfillment in reality. Nevertheless, the reality of what was accomplished was most satisfactory if unexpected. The pilgrimage was a very satisfying expression of my joy for my surviving cancer. At the same time, our bees are checking out the hive box and may soon start using it. Furthermore, this is turning out to be a continuing learning experience of the practical aspects of my “bee-centric” philosophy of beekeeping from a Buddhist perspective.
In quite a different direction, I have written of my history of trouble with sex and relationships. Indeed this was so bad that after a horrific marriage I fled into a Russian Orthodox monastery to avoid being hurt again. Celibacy seemed the perfectly logical choice to make under the circumstances, but it was not for any good spiritual reason,.rather more from fear than from faith.
I have felt drawn toward monasticism again since I came to Tibetan Buddhism, but I did not want to enter it in the same manner as I entered Russian Orthodox monasticism. Toward that end I sought to immerse myself in a succession of Beltaine festivals to bring forth the truth. As I've written previously, I had come to believe that it is not my Karma to have a married life especially considering that, even under ideal circumstances, I cannot live so many more years that being married would be superior to serving all sentient beings as a Buddhist monk.
My conclusion came as a result of my own review of my own history with regard to both sex and relationships. The part that caused me the most emotional pain was the fact that I never seemed to be attractive to women as a potential partner. Although I am strictly heterosexual in my interests, it has been particularly distressing that I seem to be of greater interest to gay men than to straight women. Growing up in a matriarchy, I have always been able to the see female point of view better than most men. Indeed I could easily see both the male and female perspective. Furthermore, being as good at sewing as at mechanical and electronic repairs certainly was not very macho.
The latest full moon ritual at CUUPS was yet another Beltaine celebration full of fertility symbolism and sexual references. This again brought up these kinds of issues. However, in the middle of the ritual I had the realization that it is not my Karma to deal with the duality of male-female relationships but rather to transcend them. I have memories from both lifetimes lived as men as well as lifetimes lived as women. Furthermore, being able to see both points of view so readily seems more rare than I would have expected. On the other hand, this would be most appropriate for one who was to go beyond the limitations of male-female duality. My finding my way back to the Tibetan Buddhist path, even though centuries may have passed, is a very positive Karmic result of actions in previous lifetimes. On that path to Enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings all dualities, not just this one, are to be transcended in perfect Buddhahood.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 38 – Overconfidence and Reality
Last night and today, I've been working on getting my plan started for moving the bees from the hollow of the oak tree into my hive. Finally it has been fully set into motion. Last night I covered the opening that the bees were using with screen and started cutting the branch of the trunk section by section. Unfortunately, the tree beat me last night. Today in the daytime I started again cutting the tree in sections. At the same time I spritzed the screened area to give the bees water. However, the bees started to find their way past the screen by creeping through wrinkles along the edge of the screen.
When I was cutting the tree, I had to cut each section in parts resting between each. I also sprayed the bees who were on the outside with sugar water to calm them. Considering the fact that I was working on their home and could even be perceived as attacking it, they were amazingly docile. Until I did something really dumb, they had only stung me three times. After a friend came over to help me with the cutting, the second section he cut opened the hollow that the colony was occupying. They did get rather upset with him and chased him around the house. I had to smoke him to mask any scent.
After I gave the bees time to calm down, I placed a temporary hive bottom which consisted of a piece of plywood with a hole to match the opening in the hollow and an area set up as the “bee porch.” Since the bees were managing to get around the screen that was supposed to close their original entrance, I realized that I would need to remove the screen and eventually plug the opening with rags. Here I made a great mistake of overconfidence. I had not been working with any protective gear, no bee suit, no gloves, not even long sleeves or a bee veil. With so many bees on both sides of the screen I should have at least put on a long sleeve shirt and a bee veil. Not doing that was a big mistake and a clear case of overconfidence. When I pulled the screen, they came after me or rather were thrown at me. I ended up with eight more stings and bees following me into the house. It had been enough that they were docile while I worked on their home, but when I forcibly threw them into the air disrupting what they were doing was more than they could be expected to tolerate calmly.
Eventually, after they had calmed down and it had gotten dark, I thought I could easily stuff the opening because they would be inside the tree. However, all the sugar water I had used had left plenty of sugar for them to clean up on the bark of the tree. Therefore, I had to use smoke to get them to clear the entrance long enough to stuff a rag into it. When I checked back later, I found quite a few bees trapped on the outside. I hope they manage to find their new entrance through the hive body. In fact, I hope the bees inside the tree also find this entrance as well. I already have dead bees for whom I shall be chanting the Amitabha mantra for a better rebirth. Some died when they stung us, others when we temporarily covered the opening to hollow before we put the hive body up on the tree.
I am certain that these bees do not have any African genes, because they are so docile. They might be considered feral, but they are obviously of native or European stock. With all that I did to their home, there reaction was so mild. I spent most of the time working without a bee veil or long sleeves. In fact, one of my friends jokingly called me a “bee charmer.”
This is particularly satisfying, because I may have saved the lives of thousands of sentient beings. However, I still grieve the loss of those few who died or may yet die. Tomorrow I will drive to the Thai Buddhist temple in Kissimmee as a pilgrimage to the shrines. This time I shall circumambulate each one twenty-one times, make twenty-one prostrations in each and chant the mantra 108 times before and after the circumambulation. I make this pilgrimage in rejoicing at my recovery both from cancer and from the treatment. I shall also chant mantras for the dead bees in the replica shrine for the Parinibbana Temple of Kusinara India, because we do all things for the benefit not only of ourselves but also for all sentient beings, even bees.
When I was cutting the tree, I had to cut each section in parts resting between each. I also sprayed the bees who were on the outside with sugar water to calm them. Considering the fact that I was working on their home and could even be perceived as attacking it, they were amazingly docile. Until I did something really dumb, they had only stung me three times. After a friend came over to help me with the cutting, the second section he cut opened the hollow that the colony was occupying. They did get rather upset with him and chased him around the house. I had to smoke him to mask any scent.
After I gave the bees time to calm down, I placed a temporary hive bottom which consisted of a piece of plywood with a hole to match the opening in the hollow and an area set up as the “bee porch.” Since the bees were managing to get around the screen that was supposed to close their original entrance, I realized that I would need to remove the screen and eventually plug the opening with rags. Here I made a great mistake of overconfidence. I had not been working with any protective gear, no bee suit, no gloves, not even long sleeves or a bee veil. With so many bees on both sides of the screen I should have at least put on a long sleeve shirt and a bee veil. Not doing that was a big mistake and a clear case of overconfidence. When I pulled the screen, they came after me or rather were thrown at me. I ended up with eight more stings and bees following me into the house. It had been enough that they were docile while I worked on their home, but when I forcibly threw them into the air disrupting what they were doing was more than they could be expected to tolerate calmly.
Eventually, after they had calmed down and it had gotten dark, I thought I could easily stuff the opening because they would be inside the tree. However, all the sugar water I had used had left plenty of sugar for them to clean up on the bark of the tree. Therefore, I had to use smoke to get them to clear the entrance long enough to stuff a rag into it. When I checked back later, I found quite a few bees trapped on the outside. I hope they manage to find their new entrance through the hive body. In fact, I hope the bees inside the tree also find this entrance as well. I already have dead bees for whom I shall be chanting the Amitabha mantra for a better rebirth. Some died when they stung us, others when we temporarily covered the opening to hollow before we put the hive body up on the tree.
I am certain that these bees do not have any African genes, because they are so docile. They might be considered feral, but they are obviously of native or European stock. With all that I did to their home, there reaction was so mild. I spent most of the time working without a bee veil or long sleeves. In fact, one of my friends jokingly called me a “bee charmer.”
This is particularly satisfying, because I may have saved the lives of thousands of sentient beings. However, I still grieve the loss of those few who died or may yet die. Tomorrow I will drive to the Thai Buddhist temple in Kissimmee as a pilgrimage to the shrines. This time I shall circumambulate each one twenty-one times, make twenty-one prostrations in each and chant the mantra 108 times before and after the circumambulation. I make this pilgrimage in rejoicing at my recovery both from cancer and from the treatment. I shall also chant mantras for the dead bees in the replica shrine for the Parinibbana Temple of Kusinara India, because we do all things for the benefit not only of ourselves but also for all sentient beings, even bees.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
