Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 72 – An Addendum

Tuesday I did manage to do my “ Auspicious Smoke Ceremony,” but I was not able to burn all the “ Dharma trash.” Only burning about a quarter or a third of it, I still had to babysit the fire for more than two hours. On top of that, some of the damaged icons need to cut into sections to fit into the chiminea and the fabric items proved to be very bulky. I'll have to take advantage of every fire puja day that comes along to finish off the remaining “Dharma trash.”

As far as the essence of the ceremony was concerned, this was very rewarding. It affords such a valuable opportunity to mend broken samayas. No matter how strong our intentions may be, it is so easy to fall short of them. This is one reason I am especially fond of doing the “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony,” both for myself and others. Of course it doesn't hurt that it involves fire to which I have felt a great connection, even to the extent that I have become fire tender for sweat lodge ceremonies. I haven't been able to fulfill those duties for some time now due to the aftereffects of the radiation therapy, but I hope to able to get back to it in a few more weeks.

The important thing for me to realize is that, although my recovery is not complete, it has progressed to the point that I am again able to be of benefit to myself and others.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 72 – Bloody F@*ts and Other Indignities

A vegetarian diet means depending on beans for a protein source at times, resulting in a certain amount of trouble from flatulence. This usually is just a matter of embarrassment in polite circles, but, with the radiation colitis which has resulted from my radiation treatments, sometimes blood accompanies the gas. A few days ago, while having supper at my sister's house, I f@*ted, but it felt a little “odd” and sent me running to the bathroom. I had bled through my undershorts and trousers. I had to send my sister to get my “just in case bag” out of the van in order to have a change of clothes. I then put the bloody garments in a bucket with hydrogen peroxide to keep the blood from setting until I could launder them the next day.

Of course this is neither the first time I have had such a “bloody f@*t” nor the only circumstance under which it has happened. I have been fortunate that the previous occurrences had been at home rather than outside it or at least happened after I had gotten to the restroom. However, it was inevitable that there would be the kind of occasions for which I created this particular “just in case bag.”

I had hoped that, with the first anniversary of the end of my radiation treatments just around the corner, the bleeding would have stopped completely by now. Nevertheless, in another week I am scheduled for another “arc welding” session to cauterize the remaining lesions. Hopefully they won't find any new ones forming. This Sunday I had also hoped to be able to go to the Dharma Center which I have missed for so long. Instead, the irritation from the same bleeding has kept me from getting very far from the bathroom. I couldn't even get outside the house long enough for some things I have needed to do.

It has been a long time since I have been able to do the “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony.” Since the day was listed in my Tibetan Calendar as astrologically auspicious for “ fire puja,” I had planned to do the ceremony. Furthermore, it has also become increasingly necessary as a means of properly disposing of “Dharma trash,” what we used to call “holy garbage” when I was at the Russian Orthodox monastery, misprints of sacred writings, damaged holy images, vestments which can no longer be used, and similar items. Such things ought to be accorded the appropriate respect for what they represent. Nevertheless, with the bleeding I have to again postpone the “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony” until the next “fire puja” day.

There are a couple of very special Dharma opportunities coming up soon. In February, the Dalai Lama is coming to South Florida including a talk at Nova Southeastern University in Davie, Florida, where the ticket prices are quite reasonable, provided we can get them before they are all gone. I know that my sister and I will be doing everything that we can to be able to go there. In March, the Tibetan Meditation Center in Gainesville, Florida, will be hosting a week-long Phowa Retreat with Venerable

Traga Rinpoche. This is a training that I have sought, but all of the occasions that I had previously found were at distant locations like Washington State, Mexico City, and Bodhgaya, India, all a bit too far for me to manage. However, Gainesville is within reach and work-study may make it affordable.

This past Friday, our Tonglen Practice group on Facebook had its first synchronized practice as group internationally. Although I had problems maintaining my concentration this first time doing this form of meditation for longer than a few minutes, I can tell that it is one of the two practices for which my particular life experiences have especially prepared me. Of course, Phowa is the other. I realize that neither of these practices is something to be entered into casually, but I also know that the same Karma that has brought me the medical issues that have both acquainted me with pain and kept Death close by me can be seen as presenting me with this opportunity to serve the Dharma.

Of course, I could ignore these kinds of consequences of my Karma, but that would leave me locked in the samsaric cycle rather than trying to fulfill the potential within all of us. How many rebirths have I had without even being aware of the Dharma much less serving it as I should? Not only do I again have a human life, but I also have a “precious human life,” both by virtue of again finding the Dharma and by having the life experiences to make this particular use of its lessons in its service for the benefit of all sentient beings..

Getting Cold When You Are Getting Old

As a child growing up here in Florida I remember our winters varied subjectively from quite mild to barely tolerable. Of course that had a lot to do with our lack of central heating, but not entirely. There was one winter in the mid-Sixties that almost devastated our citrus industry, some groves never being replanted. As an adult, a newlywed in fact, in January 1977, we had snow that not only stuck around rather than melting immediately, but even remained for a second day. Except for the hottest and coldest of days, I have had a broad temperature tolerance. Nevertheless, I always preferred the summer over the winter.

Central heating and air conditioning were rare in homes when I was growing up. Most of us handled the temperatures by wearing more in the winter than in the summer and using space heaters in the winter and electric fans in the summer. Furthermore, for most of us our level of physical activity declined as the temperature rose. Nevertheless, winter weather was usually more of a nuisance than a serious problem although not as benign as the Hawaiian winter which I had the chance to experience in the Navy.

In December 1983 and the rest of that winter in 1984, as a result of my injuries from my motor vehicle accident in the spring of 1983, I experienced my first real trouble with winter weather. Between the plates that were installed in my forearms and the damage to my joints, winters in the monasteries both in Northern California and in New York State were painful with my level of pain rising as the temperature dropped. In fact, that pain sending me to the doctor in California and the size of the bill for the doctor visit and xrays prompted me to apply for veteran's benefits since I believed that the monastery should not bear the expense for the consequences of injuries sustained during military service.

Furthermore, after settling back here in Florida, my psoriatic arthritis, a form of rheumatoid arthritis manifested itself. This too caused me to feel more pain in the winter than in the summer. Nevertheless, I am most fortunate that I have responded so well to treatment with Enbrel that I live with very little pain most of the time. Inasmuch as our weather is generally warm I am spared having too much pain from either my osteoarthritic joints or my psoriatic arthritic joints.

This latest weekend, with its winter weather unlike any since that January of 1977, is causing a lot of us older folks some serious pain and other difficulties. There have been unconfirmed reports of snow flurries in south Florida. The National Weather Service even issued a wind chill advisory for the Florida Keys. So many of us here in Florida, particularly the poorest, have houses like mine without central heat and air conditioning and lacking adequate insulation. I am more fortunate than most in that, if the rest of the house gets too cold, I can withdraw into the bedroom where I have sealed the air leaks and can position both of my space heaters to warm the room. There I can settle in with my laptop or a book and keep warm until bedtime. A mug of Tibetan butter tea is a warming addition to the scenario, my affinity for it perhaps being a remembrance from a previous lifetime.

Other poor older people who don't have a warm place like this are plagued by arthritic pains and risk having serious new health problems, perhaps even pneumonia. They can even die of “exposure” or hypothermia just as though they were outside in the weather. The compassion of the more fortunate should prevent these sorts of things from happening to all these people. However, such compassion is in very short supply and doesn't seem to be getting more common!

Beyond these kinds of conditions which clearly appear to be beyond my control, I can see the karmic roots of some of my medical conditions. My arthritis serves as an excellent example. The psoriatic arthritis just like my cancer and my congenital aortic defect would be the fruit of karmic seeds planted in previous lifetimes, perhaps one in which I was a self-indulgent rich kid. However, to some extent the osteoarthritis is the result of actions in this lifetime, particularly the unwise decision not to go directly home from the Naval Facility, but rather to go to the next town to pick up specially ordered parts for my van and then go out to a nice restaurant for supper before going home, resulting in a near-fatal car wreck.

My karma is my karma whether within one lifetime or extending across multiple lifetimes. Of course, I have the choice of what to make of it. I can just let it run its course or I can make it an occasion to benefit others. I prefer the latter!

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 71 – New Yearses

Once again I brought in the new year at home alone. I had been accustomed to attending a midnight New Year's AA meeting, but haven't been up to that this year or last. With the conversion to digital TV, which I chose not to do, I did not even watch one of the New Year's shows. I didn't even look for any of them webcast for the occasion. However, for New Years Day I spent the day driving my sister to things she wanted to do and went to several thrift shops. Moreover, I participated in the mantra accumulation with Dri Thubten Dargye Ling in Singapore taking an opportunity in the day to chant the White Tara mantra dedicated to the long long life of H.E. Garchen Rinpoche and for the peace and harmony in the world. I plan to do the same on occasion throughout the year.

At least my circumstances are much better than last year when I was in the middle of radiation treatments for my prostate cancer. Now I am in the middle of recovering from the treatments with good lab results for the cancer. Even my recovery is progressing well.

I find that I am able to do things that I couldn't just a few months ago. I have even undertaken the massive project of putting my home in order. At first I was just trying to get my stationary bike accessible for me to use. Then I wanted to find something that I misplaced. However, the greatest motivation for undertaking this and seeing it through to completion comes from my daily Buddhist practice. First, I reflected that when the conditions in this house are such that I wouldn't invite anyone in for anything, how could it be a suitable place for Lord Buddha? Furthermore, I have had no space for prostrations, but I had not been physically able to do them. Although I was to have gone through Ngondro practices after my Ngakpa ordination, I was shown some leniency by virtue of my age and later by reason of my illness. However, as I am recovering quite well, I should be working my way back toward a reasonable number of prostrations each day.

Furthermore, since I aspire to be a monk, I need to get rid of so much extra “stuff” that I have accumulated. As a monk I am to have very few possessions for myself. Certain others may be needed for the house. A few more things may be needed for those activities whereby I benefit others and serve the Dharma. However, I have far beyond that and some of it would benefit others by being gifted. Such I shall be trying to do right up to the time that I am to be ordained.

Last year I had hoped to not only keep the Western New Year's celebration, but also to participate in celebrations of the Vietnamese, Thai, and Tibetan New Years. I was not able to do such as I had hoped. However, this year I hope to again try to keep all these observances.

One aspect of most New Years traditions is the review of the accomplishments of the previous year and the development of intentions for the newly begun year. In that regard I can see numerous things that I did not successfully complete in the past year, many of which were not completed due to the treatment of my cancer and the aftereffects of that treatment. Such circumstances were beyond my control, but perhaps I should not have had such ambitious expectations. However, my abilities have increased as I have continued to recover from the radiation treatments.

I had set out to work on much needed weight loss, but found that when I needed to add exercise to my weight loss program, the issues of bleeding and of bowel urgency prevented my choosing walking or bicycle riding, because I would be too far from the bathroom. However, I had a stationary bike that I could not use because there was too much stuff around it. Now that I have cleared everything out of the way, I can use it. In fact, I am on the stationary bike as I write these lines. Not only have I made it accessible, but I've also added a shelf to hold a laptop or a book to combat the chief problem that I encounter on a stationary bike, boredom. Unlike a regular bike on which I see changing scenery, on one of these I see the same wall, but reading a book, writing a blog, surfing the web, or watching a movie alleviates the boredom, making this form of exercise tolerable.

I look forward to the Dharma center reopening after the holiday period. Furthermore, since I have recently gotten a “serious camera” with which I can do serious photography, I have conceived of a simple way to raise funds in support of the Dharma center: I should take several photographs which would be suitable for framing and hanging on a wall. These I would sell on eBay as signed and numbered limited edition prints. I would give majority of the sale price to the center, keeping only enough to cover expenses.

I also intend to resume the effort to contact the local hospitals to serve as a contact person to find suitable clergy to meet the spiritual needs of Buddhists who are hospitalized. I got sidetracked from this, but I can now get back to it. In all the medical issues with which I have dealt my whole life and my continuing to survive so many things over the years, I have been given the opportunity to be of service to the sick and the dying. Furthermore, as a Tibetan Buddhist I have the chance to acquire special skills to add to the empathy and understanding that my experiences have created.

In all things I need to find ways to be of maximum service to others and to the Dharma. Whether I am utilizing my art of photography to support the Dharma center or I am visiting the sick or comforting the dying, the most important thing is that I must be acting out of compassion toward the enlightenment of all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 70 – Once Again Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Friday and Saturday, I managed to do more than I have been able to do in a long time. I transplanted four columnar basil plants that I had rooted and transferred three cuttings of holy basil from small pots to larger ones. In doing both of these operations, I took the existing potting soil and added peat moss and composted manure in order to give all of the basil plants the best soil as outlined in articles on growing basil. I also re-potted an Okinawan spinach into a five gallon bucket. I even put cardboard out in my backyard in preparation for sheet mulching to reclaim my backyard from the weeds that have flourished in it. After all of that, I still managed to start rearranging things in my bedroom to be able to move my stationary bike into a position where I can use it.

That was so much more than I have done since before my radiation treatments. However, although I was very tired on Saturday and had to deal with the bowel urgency throughout the work, I really paid the price for so much activity Saturday night and Sunday morning. Not only did I have the urgency, but I also had more bleeding than I have had for weeks now. I can only hope that it does not persist. I was forced to forgo any other activities planned for Sunday and rest instead.

On Monday I spread out the cardboard that I had in the backyard and even managed to pull vines down from the back wall of the house. I also did a little more moving around of things in the bedroom to the extent that I could now use the stationary bike as it is, but I still need to get things in some semblance of order because some things are merely stacked up but not organized. Also clothes and bedding that were stored in boxes need to be laundered. I expect that I shall be tired on Tuesday, but I only have one planned project for that afternoon, installing my sisters new hanging lamp over her kitchen table. At least with a modest plan, I may be able to achieve a little without having to spend another day or two recovering from the work.

There is great satisfaction in accomplishing these tasks, but I have to learn to be realistic about my capabilities. As I have written before, I cannot compare what I am now able to do with what I could do before any treatments, but rather with what I could do after all the treatments were finished. An honest evaluation of my abilities requires that I neither overestimate them nor underestimate them. In the former case I would be doomed to failure by repeatedly undertaking projects that I cannot possibly complete. However, in the latter case, I would not even attempt tasks or projects well within my abilities. Ideally I would not always foolishly exceed my capacities, but rather continually seek to extend my abilities by striving to do a little more and a little more. That is the path to progress and growth.

In technical matters I have a beautiful example, learning how to do more things with the Linux operating system. I keep trying to do new things with it, especially things that I knew how to do with Windows. For example, back when I still ran Microsoft Windows on my laptop, I could interface it with my cellphone as a modem. While the cost of minutes on a cellphone could make it prohibitively expensive and the dialup speed would limit its usefulness, it could be valuable to have the option of logging onto the Internet anywhere that I had a cell signal. A few days ago I finally figured out how to connect to my present phone and configure the dialup program under Linux. Not only do I have a satisfying sense of accomplishment, but I have also learned more about Ubuntu Linux. Furthermore, this has practical value in that, in the event that I am hospitalized unexpectedly, I can go online to turn off email lists and upload homework for online courses that I am taking.

In spiritual matters, I similarly need to reach beyond my current accomplishments without trying impossibly difficult practices for my present level of development. Although I know that we all possess buddhanature, I have to remember that I need to persevere in practice in order to overcome the afflictive emotions and obscurations that keep me from buddhahood. Through countless rebirths I have developed the habitual illusions and delusions that hide my true nature and bind me in cyclic existence. I am most fortunate that I am cleansing a lot of karma by living through all the medical issues with which I have been dealing. Furthermore, by applying Dharma in action, I can make it benefit not only myself but also all sentient beings. I am doing this both by sharing with others my experiences of my own “ Journey Through Cancer,” and by being motivated to study and attain proficiency in both Tonglen meditation and Phowa practice.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 69 – Thanksgiving

Last Thanksgiving I was just a few days away from the start of my radiation therapy. This year those treatments are months behind me and my latest PSA test was a 1.1, having gone from 3.1 to 1.7 to 1.0 and now to 1.1, bearing in mind that anything under 4.0 is considered normal. Therefore, for Thanksgiving I wore my “I am a Survivor” t-shirt. Of course that statement, for me, is about more than just surviving this cancer, but rather about surviving all the things that I have survived in this lifetime.

Today, my sister, our friend who is like a sister, and I had Thanksgiving dinner with another friend with whom we have celebrated the holiday in several past years. We enjoyed the company of her, her daughters and her grandchildren as well as her brother and his wife, her nephew and his wife, and her mother. Knowing that I am a vegetarian, she prepared a vegetarian lasagna which was delicious. It was a very pleasant day and I ate too much, but that is normal for this particular holiday. I can resume my weight control program tomorrow.

Since I haven't completely gotten over the bowel urgency issue, I think I need to get my stationary bike set up to use until I can either resume a program of walking or begin a program of outdoor bike riding. The chief problem with riding a stationary bike is boredom which is why I would rather ride a regular bicycle in the neighborhood or even as basic transportation. Nevertheless, perhaps I can rig up some kind of stand on the stationary bike to hold a book or my laptop to give me something more interesting to do while I get my exercise. However, eventually I will recover sufficiently to no longer need to plan my travels around the availability of clean restrooms.

The lack of a suitable bathroom is just one of the issues that has kept me from any “sobriety sweat”t his season. Hopefully it won't be long before I can participate in one before the summer. At least I can expect to tend fire for the sweat lodge at “Yulefest” at All World Acres in December.

While the radiation colitis has interfered with my participation at Katsel Dharma Center, I am looking forward to getting active again as my recovery progresses. Even though the worst of the colitis lesions were cauterized in the colonoscopy and the sigmoidoscopy, they still needed to heal and are still healing. Of course, this is taking longer than I want it to, but I just have to be patient and do whatever I can to facilitate this healing. I have resumed eating my “medicinal noodles,” Ramen noodles with miso broth, and have begun adding fenugreek sprouts to my sandwiches. With that on the practical side and Medicine Buddha practice on the spiritual side, I am working on my program of recovery to finish getting well. Furthermore, the practice is not for myself alone, but for the benefit of all sentient beings. That is such an important lesson from our lamas!!

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 68 – Recovery and Accomplishment

Last Wednesday night I finished removing the small section of fence on the north side of my house to open that as the new way to go into my backyard. I even managed to carry the old rusty fencing and rotten posts out to the roadside for the next morning's garbage pickup. Accomplishing this small task is very satisfying after such a long time that I haven't been able to do most of these kinds of jobs. However, this was not completed in just one try but had to be done in small portions. Since the cauterizing of the radiation colitis lesions I have found that any physical exertion brings on serious bowel urgency. While this phenomenon is diminishing, I could only dig a little, pull a little or cut a little each time. Nevertheless, the path is now opened leaving the moving of the paving stones to a later time, again doing a little at a time.

While recovering from my radiation treatments, it is easy to compare what I can accomplish in any project with what I could do before the cancer and the treatments, but that is just a sure way to get depressed needlessly. The proper comparison is what I am able to do now with what I was able to accomplish at the end of the treatments. At that point I could only manage my basic self care but not much else. Even though I have had to cope with the aftereffects of the radiation, my recovery has continued, sometimes in fits and spurts, sometimes moving forward, sometimes losing a little ground, but nonetheless uninterrupted. Therefore, I can do more now than I could at the end of treatments, as well as more than I could several weeks or months ago.

Over the weekend, I helped my sister as a participant at Sustainable Living Conference. With setting up on Friday afternoon and Saturday morning and taking down the booth on Sunday afternoon and Monday afternoon, it was physically demanding. Furthermore, our presentations also required serious effort as well. Nevertheless, I was able to do it, although I have had to rest much of Monday. The accomplishment of all of this has been very satisfying, especially recognizing the progress that this represents.

On Saturday, I spent a little time talking to a friend who has also been through his own “Journey Through Cancer.” Like we are all inclined to do, he has struggled with the comparison of what he can do now with what he could do years ago. We talked about the common human experience of aging in which we find our physical capacities declining over the years. When we add to this the negative results of our cancer and the additional effects of our various courses of treatment, is it any wonder that we find ourselves not able to do what we did years ago? However, if we look at how little we could do at our lowest point physically in this “Journey,” we can see our progress and, hopefully accept it as it is. Notwithstanding the need of our own efforts in making progress in our recovery, we cannot force it into a rate of progress beyond our rate of healing as a physical process.

All of this experience is applicable to spirituality as well. When I seek to evaluate spiritual progress, it is too easy to compare myself to the ideal, but that is a great mistake most of the time. If I am too far from that ideal, I might give up on all my practice. Rather, I need to see that I have indeed made a degree of progress as I have devoted myself to my practice as well as to learn from the particular experiences of my life. The only time I need to refer to the ideal, particularly buddhahood, is to keep me from becoming too content with any specific level of progress. Nevertheless, I need to develop my compassion out of the various aspects of this disease, its treatment, and the recovery from that treatment. Whether it is the pain or the fatigue or the awareness of mortality, it is all to be dedicated to the benefit of all sentient beings.