FLORIDA – Cast and Crew Needed – Surrealist film

I'm going to get involved in a locally made independent film, probably either as crew or as an extra. Unfortunately, my motion picture experience is from more than 30 years ago.

To get involved and read more info / script and all that jazz... just go to XZanthia.com, click on Emily, email us the info we ask for on the "get involved" page and rsvp for 2 pre-production meetings that you can attend. See you soon!!!

Meetings - http://xzanthia.com/emily-meetings.htm
Synopsis - http://xzanthia.com/emily-story.htm
To Get Involved - http://xzanthia.com/emily-involved.htm

XZanthia’s MySpace - myspace.com/xzanthiaspersonal
Inner Flame Studios Myspace – myspace.com/innerflamestudios

E Mail – InnerFlameStudios@Gmail.com
Call XZanthia – 720 339 7502

Shooting in, Orlando, Tampa, Land O Lakes… TBA…

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Giving Thanks

Sunday night I was listening to a community radio station's program of Native American music. This time of year raises negative emotions for some members of the tribes. However, aside from the historical misunderstanding and misrepresentations that cause such pain to so many, the giving of thanks is very much in keeping with our traditions.

The host of the radio show played "Giving Thanks," a cut from Joanne Shenandoah's album Covenant. The power of this prayer moved me to tears. How often do we really feel gratitude for the bounties with which Creator has blessed us? When do we connect with all the spiritual forces around us? Don't we usually conduct ourselves as though we are something separate from and above nature?

You and I both need to recognize our connectedness to everything that is. Not only that, but we must also understand that even the most "inanimate" objects are imbued with spirit!

Aho.

We called it the "staff" infection

I had an incredibly rewarding and fulfilling time at FPG Samhain 2007. First of all, I spent time with so many people whom I rarely get to see. There were even a few who hadn't seen me in a long time and had to do a little adjusting to the eclectic developments in my spirituality.

Second, I got to spend a significant amount of time at the fire circle drumming. I don't drum for other people, but rather for myself. I have no illusion that there is any virtuosity in my playing. Instead it is a way to attain an altered state of consciousness. This particular "altered state," unlike that which I used to reach though alcohol, doesn't get me in trouble with the law or result in grossly embarrassing behaviour. As a clear side effect however, my drumming may actually be pleasing to others.

Third, I made significant progress in overcoming the negative self talk that I have internalized from others. Specifically, I actually got up and danced around the fire and even got myself painted:

For me this was quite a departure for the norm, but I felt so free and particularly blessed. I was so thrilled with her work that, when the artist touched it up the next day, I immediately had it photographed (the picture you see here). Furthermore, for the rest of the day and well into the night, or rather the predawn hours, I would not wear a shirt. Indeed, I had to go to the fire circle, because it was particularly cold that night. However, I guess that was exactly where in the universe I was supposed to be, because I met two ladies who had wanted to attend my workshop that morning as well as a lady who had wanted to meet me. And then, after the drumming started and I joined in, I was transported elsewhere.

Fourth, in fire tending for the sweat lodge and in doing my workshops and in facilitating a "Wellbriety-style" talking circle and even in little things I did with other staff, I felt that I was contributing positively to the world in which we live. I also had that most pleasant of feelings for one who seeks to be of service, being appreciated. Too often I feel that I'm doing so much for so many, but nobody cares.

On the other hand, it seems that someone who had a very serious respiratory infection came on the first day that staff started working. Those staff members were exposed and two days later became symptomatic and contagious, at least for those of us who were in close daily contact. Classic epidemiology: "patient zero" exposes the first group Tuesday who then are symptomatic and contagious on Thursday exposing the second group that day who then become symptomatic and contagious on Saturday and so on and so on... We dubbed it the "staff infection."

This means that on Saturday night, when I was protecting my beautiful art by not wearing a shirt, I was coming down with this disease. On Sunday, when I was breaking down my camp as well as helping disassemble the sweat lodge and pack its supplies, I tired easily and was often out of breath at the least exertion. By Wednesday, when I saw my doctor, he said I was on the verge of pneumonia. Even now, two weeks after FPG Samhain, I am still not recovered. At least, when I am not coughing too bad, I have been trying to learn new things about this computer and improve the way things are set up.

On the bright side, I should be over with this stuff in time for Thanksgiving Day with friends and the Full Moon Celebration on Saturday at CUUPS Tampa. In the coming month there will be Yulefest at All World Acres where I will be actively participating in the ritual. I even have a very interesting wedding to officiate. I will enjoy creating a very special service which reflects the culture of both the bride and the groom.

My Second Adolescence

There are so many developmental stages through which we progress during our lives. Each of us goes at our own pace and with varying difficulty. Whether they are physical, emotional, or spiritual stages we need to accomplish the growth of each stage if we are to be healthy and mature. While I found my childhood during school problematic, the most difficult time was my adolescence.

My first adolescence, when I was a teenager, was a horrific, excruciatingly painful time. With all the insecurities of the period and striving to be liked especially by the opposite sex, I experienced a lot of the emotional pain. I was neither part of the "in crowd" nor particularly attractive to the opposite sex. During all of high school I only had three dates and they were all effectively chaperoned because my older sister had to drive me. During college, things were little better, being the era of "free love,"only making the pain worse. My only girlfriend during my first period at the University of Florida was the frigid daughter of an alcoholic and I soon began drinking alcoholically myself. When I went through my first enlistment in the Navy, I frequented prostitutes and never had a real girlfriend for all of those four years.

Things did not improve when I returned to finish college. By this time I was attending Alcoholics Anonymous which really isn't that good a place to find someone with whom to build a healthy relationship. When I finally met someone who seemed genuinely attracted to me, it was a stripper in a bar where I had no business if I was truly trying to stay sober. There followed a marriage which was one long violent nightmare which nearly destroyed me. Therefore, the prospect of revisiting that period of my life is far from attractive. Nevertheless, I must complete the process of maturing emotionally that I failed to complete all of those years ago.

Having grown to understand that my taking monastic vows was, in part, a flight from the pain of a nightmarish marriage, some time ago I renounced those vows and opened to the possibility of sex in my life. However, I find I am just as inept as I ever was with regard to women. All the old insecurities are back with renewed force.

While I have reached a stage of greater acceptance of my body to the extent that I found myself in a Moksha demonstration comfortable when naked in front of strangers, I still feel unattractive to the opposite sex. The insecurity was acutely painful at Beltaine, Attending on successive weekends, Beltainia at All World Acres, Body Magick at All World Acres and Florida Pagan Gathering's Beltaine, I had a three week long celebration of Beltaine. This being a fertility festival, sexuality is highlighted. The only ladies for whom I held any sexual interest were quite drunk at the time and, on more than one occasion, only as a second or third choice. Such an experience does not do anything to build up one's already fragile self-confidence. In fact, at one point my depression was so deep that I might have done violence to myself or started back drinking alcohol, a slower suicide, but for the fact that a transexual told me that she found me attractive even if I weren't inclined myself to have sex under those circumstances.

It really is not surprising that I am particularly inept with all the preliminaries surrounding sex, especially with recognizing the opportunity when it presents itself, since almost all of my sexual experiences prior to meeting my ex-wife were with prostitutes. Furthermore, there was only one woman with whom I had sex after my marriage broke up. In other words, many high school kids have more sexual experience than I have, as far as relationships are concerned.

I am at a loss to find the solution to my predicament. I have no clue with regard to making myself more attractive to women. Not only am I ignorant of what would make me so, but I also I doubt there is anything within my power to change in this regard. Furthermore, I am just as celibate today as when I was bound by monastic vows.