Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 67 – Still Recovering, Still Impatient

In the weeks and months since my radiation treatments, I have been recovering steadily with a few setbacks along the way. The tumor in the prostate has shrunk until it is undetectable. My PSA test value has gone steadily downward. In another week I'll see the radiation oncologist again for a follow-up appointment. At that point I'll find out the latest value for my PSA, but I have no doubt that it will continue the downward progression that we have been watching up until now.

With regard to the big issue, the cancer, I have been having the desired results. At the same time, the side effects, or rather after effects, of the radiation therapy have been improving. While the overwhelming fatigue has decreased and the urinary pain has diminished to almost nothing and the skin irritation has totally gone, not all of the effects are resolved. The symptoms of radiation colitis hit me unexpectedly later than the others. For months I was troubled by bowel symptoms as well as significant bleeding. It took two different attempts at cauterizing the lesions to really bring the bleeding to a stop. For that improvement I am deeply grateful, but I still want to find relief for the other symptoms.

Unfortunately the cauterizing has caused the tissues of the colon to be quite irritated which is slow to heal. As a result I am having a problem of bowel urgency. When I feel the need for a bowel movement, I have little time to delay. I have had a few “accidents” from not getting to the toilet fast enough. Furthermore, the least physical activity brings on the urge for a bowel movement. In addition, while I have had relief from the worst of the fatigue, I still do not have the stamina that I had before the treatments began.

Since this whole thing began, so many things inside and outside this house have been allowed to fall behind in routine maintenance. The interior has not been kept as clean and tidy as it should be. Some repairs have been let slide. During the rainy season the weeds have really gotten overgrown around the yard. The entrance to my back yard that I want to open on the north side of the house to replace the one on the south side has only been cleared of part of the old fence. The paving stones are still on the south side of the house and that opening has not been closed yet. The limbs that fell from my grapefruit tree in the front yard still have not been cleared, although I did manage to cut some of them already.

Besides these things, my truck still has not been repaired. However, I have been able to drive the van for my sister when she has needed it. Nevertheless the tasks that I want and need to do but cannot get done frustrate me. While I realize that I should be patient with myself and my progress, I still find it hard to accept the slow pace.

There have been some notable accomplishments which should be more satisfying, but I keep wanting more. I have fixed a couple of computers for friends, setting them up with the Linux operating system and showing them how to use it. I have even been able to repair this laptop that I use to write my blogs and do my school work. The display went completely black and I replaced the panel and the inverter circuit from another laptop of the same kind. I have even been able to prepare the presentations that my sister will give at a sustainable living conference later in the month.

While I realize that I could not do that much by the time the radiation treatments were finished, I also realize that these feelings are quite normal under the circumstances. In 1983, when I had a major motor vehicle accident, I had a long recovery period before I was declared “fit for full duty.” During that year I was often frustrated by the seemingly slow rate of progress, but I understand in retrospect how severe my injuries were and how near I came to dying. Even though this “ Journey Through Cancer” has not required anything as rigorous as the physical therapy of that year, it is, nevertheless, quite serious and has its own rigors.

I know that these events are unfolding as the fruit of the seeds of Karma planted in a previous lifetime. Through present difficulties a lot of negative karma is being cleansed and even turned into something positive to benefit myself and others. For that I am most grateful, because I can not only understand that Dharma is not just to be studied but to be lived, but I can also show this to others who may yet benefit from it.

Preparing for Ordination – Attachment, Aversion, and Equanimity

This evening I went to the grocery store. Although I had only run out of one essential item, I decided that I should make it a regular shopping trip, getting the usual things that I keep on hand. In so doing, I made an interesting discovery: my attitude toward food has changed. It was not so firmly rooted in the attachment/aversion type of feelings, but rather it was closer to equanimity in approaching the choices on a more utilitarian basis. Nevertheless, I cannot claim to have attained perfect equanimity.

The chocolate cake that I bought, in spite of being sugar-free, is not truly utilitarian but rather pleasurable. However, even though a food may be pleasurable, it does not automatically represent attachment unless that is the primary or only reason for getting it or eating it. Nevertheless, despite this particular lapse, the rest of my choices seemed more practical than usual. However, this is more a matter of progress rather than perfection. I have a long way to go to truly attain equanimity.

Perhaps the strangest thing about this experience is that it seems that it may be a result of the weeks of poverty that I recently experienced. During that time I went to the food banks and gratefully accepted whatever I received, having no choice in what it was. Indeed the only choice that I exercised was to trade any meat items to my sister for a vegetarian alternative. I am most grateful that I retained at least this spiritual outcome from the whole experience. However, I am sure that I shall see other benefits that I derive from it as well.

Preparing for Ordination – The Hard Work of Poverty

For the past five weeks since my pension got messed up, I have been living on pitifully little money and my financial affairs have been in the hands of others. It is perhaps very good that I have been prepared by growing up poor. It was a great education for making a very little money go a long way. We may not have had many of our wants, but we always had our needs. Furthermore, we always seemed to be able to share our little with those who had even less.

Over these weeks I have turned to food banks for groceries, to my sister and friends to meet the bills that could not be avoided, and to my Buddhist faith to keep from just running out in the street screaming. The resolution of the basic problem with my pension was in the hands of the clerks in the VA bureaucracy in whom I had little confidence because that was where it got messed up in the first place. I had to enlist the aid of others to help me with them. However, in the bureaucracy there was the bright spot of a clerk who not only did what he said he would do, but also seemed to have real compassion for my situation.

As this episode draws to a close I reflect that it may have been a good preparation for my life as a monk to which I still aspire. I am hoping that I may be ordained before my next birthday anniversary. At the time of my ordination I shall be given the exact precepts that I must observe and the specific interpretation and application of them. While a Buddhist monk traditionally is prohibited from handling gold, silver, and gems, in other words money, in the West a relaxing of these particular precepts has sometimes been necessary. We do not have a culture that provides for monks making “alms rounds,” nor an established foundation of contributions to support monasticism in general, leaving some monastics with no choice but to have some kind of secular employment.

Because recent events are not typical of the years since my VA disability claim was approved, I am most fortunate that it provides a basic subsistence income to meet my needs. With the frugality of life as a monk, this can provide most generously not only for me personally but also for the support of Dharma activities. Of course, this does not mean that I would not need to be sponsored for some of the more expensive of these, especially where travel is involved. However, I should be able to devote myself to the Dharma leaving financial matters in the hands of a trustee who will let me know what I can and cannot afford.

These weeks have provided practice in living this way. Furthermore, the degree of stress that I experienced reveals the extent and depth of my attachment to control in my life. Moreover, any attraction to or aversion from certain tastes, sights and smells of foods reveals the spiritual growth that I have not yet attained, but have ahead of me.

It is rather like the military practice of “exercises,” during which each member of the unit hones his or her skills. From the experience they all grow more confident and comfortable with their skills. In much the same way I can take these experiences to grow more comfortable living according to the samayas. Of course I am not proficient in this yet, but I am confident that I can get better at it. Furthermore, I don't have to become perfect in this or anything else before being ordained. Instead I must be firm in my intention and clear in my goal to follow this path all the way. This I must do not only for the benefit of myself but also for the benefit of all human beings

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 66 – An Addendum

Thursday, I was pleasantly surprised around 5 PM by a call from the VA clerk with whom I had talked on Tuesday. He apologized for not calling on Wednesday afternoon, because he had not been around a phone at the time. He informed me that the lifting of the suspension of my pension payments was awaiting approval by the appropriate authority. This was the same information that the county veterans service officer had found out for me earlier that day. However, it was most refreshing to have someone in the bureaucracy who actually did what they said they would do and even demonstrated compassion!

I am also most grateful that it still seems that Dr. P. K's “spot welding” is holding. There has only been slight leakage, but no more of the significant bleeding that I had been experiencing. The discomfort and bowel urgency is an expected consequence of the work that was done, but it should diminish as the sites heal. At least it is no worse than a really bad case of inflamed hemorrhoids although it doesn't respond to hemorrhoid medications. A high fiber diet and psyllium fiber laxatives seem to be of the greatest benefit right now. Also, following the advice of an herbalist, I am adding fenugreek sprouts to my diet for their beneficial effects on the digestive system, hoping that they may aid with the healing needed.

Unfortunately, with everything going on, I have fallen behind in my school work, but I think that I should be able to get caught up easily now that I can expect my recovery to resume. At least, without any money I don't have that many distracting activities on my social calendar ;-)

In my present financial circumstance I have to accept the food I have available and ignore most of my food preferences. The only option that I continue to consistently exercise is that I still maintain my commitment to being vegetarian, because it is not just a food preference, but rather the application of my samaya to not kill any sentient being. However, with regard to attachment to food and attachment to certain tastes and aversion to others, I am a long way from the ideal set forth in the food offering prayer, “By seeing the food as medicine, I will partake of it without attachment or aversion. It shall not serve to increase my pride, arrogance or strength, but will only maintain my body.” Nevertheless, I am getting an opportunity to work on it right now.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 66 – Here We Go Again... Again...Yet Again

For the second time a doctor has cauterized lesions from radiation colitis, treatment of the aftereffects of the treatment of my prostate cancer. A chain of cause and effect and effect and effect. Every cause has an effect and each effect can become the cause of another effect. In just this way, the radiation treatment had the desired effect of shrinking the prostate tumor and the unintended effect of damaging the tissues of my colon. That in turn had the effect of producing the colitis lesions which eventually started bleeding. The treatment of these lesions, while it has had the unintended effect of causing a certain level of discomfort, will hopefully have the desired effect of ending the bleeding with which I have been dealing for all these months.

For the second time, I've tried to get things straightened out for my pension without the desired effect. I had thought that with this latest contact I had found a clerk who not only conducted himself competently but also with great compassion. I had even intended to give his name to the congressman's aide in order to have him commended for his work. However, he failed to call me as he had promised. Nevertheless, Thursday, I shall seek local assistance with my circumstances from the county's veterans service officer and aging services staff. Hopefully, they will help with both the VA difficulties and the financial crisis. Furthermore, I still intend to talk to Congressman Gus Bilirakis' aide within a few days to have him look into the whole matter of the suspension of my pension, particularly why my first call straightening out the address was not sufficient to lift the suspension. While Gus is on the House Committee on Veterans' Affairs, his father had chaired that same committee. I know his dad was very active and effective in working for veterans, but I know nothing about Gus' activities. While I doubt that his influence is as great as Mike's was, I will give him the opportunity. His dad did so much for veterans that the Spinal Cord Injury unit at James A Haley Veterans Hospital was named for him.

Fully understanding that all of this will take time to work out, I realize that I need patience while they proceed. Perhaps this is good practice for me, because I have the aspiration of being a monk. Once I am ordained I might be prohibited from having anything to do with financial affairs, depending instead on a trustee to handle them. While I am accustomed to managing my money myself although not perfectly, such dependence could prove difficult. Furthermore, I had thought that my VA pension income was reliable. I should have understood that nothing is really that reliable and everything changes, no matter how much we may think otherwise. Although as a Christian monastic I practiced “Evangelical poverty,” having made that vow, since I renounced those vows, I am now a little out of practice. This may be part of the practice I shall need to prepare for my new life as a Tibetan Buddhist monk.

Since, because of both my broken truck and my absolute lack of money, I cannot go to FPG Samhain in November, that may be an appropriate weekend to hold a yard sale. At least we could convert some of the things that we have and no longer need into the money for necessities, more of my “liquidating my own estate.” Likewise, we shall continue to go to the food pantry at the local Catholic parish until we get past the current difficulties or we reach our limit of 13 visits this year. We still have things that we can do to continue to survive this. At least I can look forward to the day that this will be resolved and my pension will come, but there are others right now who have much more bleak prospects in the current economy. I need to resume my Yellow Dzambala water offerings for their benefit.

Another thing that involves repetition is that I have to complete and resubmit last week's homework assignment for my Dharmakirti College course. With everything going on I had fallen behind in my studies. Fortunately, I am being given the opportunity to make it up, because the goal of these courses is that we learn what we need and not that we compete for some position or rank. The material covered in last week's lessons is of particular importance to me as a Tibetan Buddhist, “ Tantra,” covering its history and fundamentals. This week may be an even more important subject for everyone's benefit, “Death and Dying in Tibetan Buddhism,” because death is something that none of us can avoid. Nevertheless, if we prepare properly for our own deaths, we may find in its changes provide one of the best opportunities for enlightenment. At the very least, it seems most foolish to arrive at such a momentous event in our experience totally unprepared. Personally, I am sure that this must be my special field of study not only for my own benefit but also for the benefit of others.

I have begun to think that if my recovery from my radiation treatments progresses I should try to make a retreat between terms in my Dharmakirti College courses. I am not sure where or how I may do this. Since the term ends December 11 ^th, I cannot conceive of going either to Boston or to Arizona, but would need to find a way to make my retreat in a warmer climate. From December 9 ^th through December 13 ^th Wat Florida Dhammaram in Kissimmee, Florida, has a meditation retreat. Another option that I may try to set up is something like the “retreat at home” program that Sogyal Rinpoche's Rigpa organization has. In this form I would isolate myself at home, giving my sister the responsibility as my trustee to handle practical affairs, and I would stay in contact with my Lama by telephone or Internet. A third option would be for me to similarly stay at a duplex belonging to a friend, with my sister as my trustee and likewise staying in contact with my Lama by telephone or Internet. Whichever way I do this, the important thing is that this would be my first more or less formal retreat.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 66 – Here We Go Again... Again

As I've written previously, my VA pension has gotten messed up. Although I had informed everyone that I needed to notify of my change of address years ago, somehow the VA did not have my correct address. After I contacted the appropriate office to straighten this out, I was assured that everything was fixed and that a supervisor would contact me as I requested. I had asked for a supervisor, because I needed to know when I would get my pension to tell those from whom I could borrow enough to cover the most essential expenses when they could expect repayment. Since I never heard from that supervisor, in the intervening weeks I tried again to call the same office to find out what was happening. Unfortunately, their phone lines stay very busy, to the extent that usually I don't even get put on hold but rather get a busy signal the first few times I try. Once I do get connected to their phone system, I spend such a long time on hold that I often lose my cellphone signal before I get through to a person.

Tuesday I got a strange letter from the VA “Regional Office and Insurance Center” in Philadelphia. When I tried to phone the toll-free number in the letter for some explanation of its contents, I couldn't find my way through the maze of their automated telephone routing system. However, one of the automated information sources gave me a strange answer which necessitated a call to the same office that I called at the first of the month. Amazingly, probably because I was calling within an about an hour of their closing time, I actually got through to a human being in record time. Nevertheless, when the clerk looked up my information on his computer, although he could see the entries from my call at the first of the month, inexplicably the suspension of my pension payments had not been lifted. He then informed me that there was nothing that could be done at this point in the month to enable me to get any money before a vague “some time in November.” At least I have an assurance of a call from this clerk Wednesday afternoon with more information. Although the sedative used in the colonoscopy is given with the warning to not conduct business for 24 hours afterward, this is unavoidable.

During all of these dealings on the phone I started to have a real problem controlling my anger. Throughout all of this, starting with the original change of address, I have done what I was supposed to do, but government employees were not doing what they were supposed to be doing! Furthermore, this not only affects my financial situation but also my sister's as well, because she has delayed paying some of her bills to help me. She should not have to face hardship from trying to help me! I am resolved that I will contact the county veterans service officer and their aging services personnel on Thursday to seek both temporary assistance meeting current needs and to help with my dealings with these VA offices. Furthermore, I shall be discussing the whole matter with our Congressman's staffers as soon as possible. For that discussion I am also inclined to see that I get the name of latest clerk who is helping in order to commend him for his assistance and genuine concern. It seems that one individual is powerless when confronting any government bureaucracy! Someone with power is needed!

I realize that a factor in my difficulty in avoiding anger is the stress of the colonoscopy preparations. I can have no food to eat for the day and the medicines prescribed create a state of induced diarrhea which is far from pleasant. No matter how necessary, it is difficult! At least I have had the benefit of Chenrezig, Tara and Achi Chokyi Drolma mantra recitations to keep me from totally “losing it” and running outside screaming that the top of my lungs! It is also hard to keep from facing depression over this, because I may be unable to avoid overdraft charges.

This week's topic in my Dharmakirti College course, “Death and Dying in Tibetan Buddhism,” is a good one to restore perspective to any situation. I have again survived, this time from prostate cancer. I have no idea how long or short a time I may have before I die, but I can't afford to waste it. “The Four Ways of Turning the Mind” tell me, “(1)Oh! This kind of leisure and endowment is supremely difficult to obtain. When we obtain this body, which is easily lost, do not waste it meaninglessly but rather use it to attain the ultimate liberation, joyous result. (2) The nature of all phenomena is impermanence; death is a certainty for all who are born. Death can descend anytime like a drop of morning dew on a blade of grass. Quick! It is time to make effort for the essence of the Dharma. (3) The fruit of one's positive karma is happiness; suffering is the fruit of negative karma. The inexorable karmic causation is the mode of abiding of all dharmas. Henceforth practice the dharma by distinguishing between what should be practiced and what should be given up. (4) In the three lower realms and even in the three higher ones there is not an instance of absolute happiness. I will avoid the root cause of my samsaric existence and practice the excellent path of peace to Enlightenment. ”

From this I may see that I must give up the “three poisons,” anger, attachment and ignorance. In this case I cannot afford to harbor any ill will toward any of the clerks involved in this situation. If my mindstream is poisoned by anger, it cannot be moistened by compassion and bodhicitta to which I am committed. Although I had been hoping to attend a Halloween Party with friends and also the wedding of a friend there as well as hoping to attend Florida Pagan Gathering next week which would have allowed me to “play with fire” both as fire tender for a sweat lodge and doing an “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony” which would also have provided opportunities to share the Dharma, I cannot afford to be so attached to my plans and the outcome of my intentions that such attachment also poisons my mind. Furthermore, I cannot afford to let any upset from these or any other circumstances disrupt my study and meditation, allowing ignorance to dominate when I should be developing wisdom instead.

Sometimes I am troubled that because of both financial and physical limitations I couldn't get to any of the Dharma activities of my Dharma Center or any of the teachings nearby this month. Furthermore, I miss the opportunities to share practice with friends. Nevertheless, I still have the learning opportunities with my online course from Dharmakirti College as well as my simple shrine where I may both meditate and do deity practices. Indeed these considerations should help motivate me to not become lax in either of these areas as I believe I was in danger of doing. Last week's homework questions did not get uploaded on time and they were not as fully answered as they should have been. Furthermore, today, as has too often been the case lately, I failed to do my daily offerings or any sadhana practice. Nevertheless, before I sleep, I can still do at least the short Vajrasattva practice and resolve to try to do better in the future.

Just as the impermanence of all things guarantees that all situations will change, it also guarantees that I have the opportunity to change as well. With mindfulness and proper motivation it can be a change for the better.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 66 – Here We Go Again

Almost three weeks ago I had a colonoscopy which found that I have “moderate to severe radiation colitis.” Fortunately the lab report on the tiny polyp they removed indicated that it was benign. At least there isn't another form of cancer with which I may have to cope, especially since it appears that the radiation treatments seem to have worked very effectively. While the doctor was using the “scope,” he used an electric probe to cauterize some of the lesions from the colitis. Expecting this to significantly reduce the bleeding that I had been experiencing, I was scheduled for a flexible sigmoidoscopy in a few months.

However, following the colonoscopy, I continued to have rectal bleeding, some days very little and others at least a few ounces at a time. I even had a few days that were free of bleeding. Nevertheless, when I phoned the GI Procedures Clinic, the doctor rescheduled my sigmoidoscopy as a colonoscopy just a few days from now. Yesterday, I started the very first stage of the preparation, “low residue diet.” Tonight, I moved on to the clear liquid diet and took the first laxative pills. Although this is a rigorous preparation, I have been through it so recently that it is familiar.

As I wrote before, somehow when I submitted a change of mailing address to the VA years ago it never got entered into their regional office or national computer system although it was properly changed at the VA hospital where I get treatment. As a result of this, when an item of mail was returned because it had been addressed to the old address, they took action to stop the direct deposit of my VA pension. Unfortunately although I was able to get the error corrected on the telephone, they could give me no idea how long I would have to wait for the replacement check or electronic deposit. Furthermore, nothing has arrived yet, leaving me without funds of my own and dependent on the charity of others. Although I am not suffering from wounded pride, I am concerned that my sister could not easily afford to loan me what she did without getting repaid soon. I have to call the same office that I did before in order to find out when I will get any of my pension.

At least I have food to eat, because I have been going to the food bank of the local Catholic parish each week. With this I have been getting my necessities, even toilet paper a couple of times. I trade the canned meat to my sister for cheese or beans from her package. Since we grew up poor, our current poverty is nothing new or alarming because we learned how to stretch our resources. We can just practice the same frugality that we knew when we were younger.

So many things in our lives run in cycles, little circles within the greater circle of our samsaric existence. Therefore such things should not be a great concern to us, but merely familiar things with which to deal. Furthermore, we have tools to use, not only worldly tools based on our life experiences but also spiritual tools from the Dharma. While we encounter diverse difficult circumstances in our lives, we have the choice of whether they may be turned into something of spiritual benefit for ourselves and others or merely wasted.

As I move forward toward physical recovery from the radiation therapy and cope with my financial situation, my attitude determines whether it serves to purify negative karma or build up still more negative karma. Furthermore, the extent to which I am able to actively practice the Dharma gives others hope that it may be applied in their lives with equal or greater effectiveness. Moreover, I am nothing special, merely the result of certain causes under certain conditions, just a matter of cause and effect. Anything that I do that may be commendable is nothing more than a further effect of those causes and conditions except that I get to make the choice of how I will act, thereby increasing or decreasing my karmic debt which must be resolved either in this present lifetime or in some future rebirth.