Perceptions and Misperceptions

I have begun the process of turning my blog into a book. The start of the work is reading all the entries aloud. This is not such an easy thing for someone who has always been terrified of public speaking. However, reading all the separate entries continuously as a single document is very revealing. First, repetition stands out. Weeks might have elapsed between the writing of two successive entries, but reading them one after the is quite different. Second, issues which were of major importance to me which remain unresolved stand out clearly. After my nightmare of a marriage, I went directly from the U.S. Navy to a Russian Orthodox Monastery, not for a high spiritual purpose, but rather to avoid women and the risk of being hurt again. Once my spiritual journey brought me out of that kind of isolation, I informally and even formally renounced those monastic vows and sort of settled into my niche in the local Pagan community. I explored my Native American roots, investigated various Pagan paths and gradually found my way to Buddhism toward which I was clearly already being drawn. During this period I quite reasonably expected to return to dating. I even wrote about a second adolescence. I was puzzled, even troubled when nothing like that developed. I found myself bogged down in the same old insecurities of adolescence all over again. However, this time I do understand the difference between perceptions and reality as well as the differences between different people's perceptions. My sister and I found out recently that someone who has known us for years thought that we were a married couple. Interestingly this misperception may be held by the circle of friends and acquaintances that we share with that friend. That could create the situation where I as a single man would talking to a single lady, but she would perceive a philandering husband. Not a favorable circumstance. When I think about my friends and acquaintances at All World Acres, few of them would not know that I am single and that I had renounced the Orthodox Christian monastic vows. I know that I am very bad at reading women's subtle hints, but I catch on when hit over the head. One night several of us were walking back to someone's campsite. I was walking between two ladies with my arm around the shoulder of the one to my left and started to put my arm around the shoulder of the lady to my right. Suddenly she shouted, “Don't touch me!! Don't ever touch me!!” That shocked us all. I, admittedly, overreacted at first in that I didn't put my arm around any woman's shoulder for a while and even now not often. Although I have many good friends from All World Acres, no romantic or sexual relationship has developed. However there was at least one opportunity that I let pass and another that may or may not have been an opportunity. In the one an inebriated lady and I were talking with a newcomer to AWA. I had already been edged out of the conversation when he announced to her that he was a happily married man and faithful to his wife. She then turned her attention to me. I had already decided to leave after I was out of the conversation and I went ahead and left. After I developed prostate cancer, a lady told me that it was from lack of sex. I was tempted to ask whether that was an offer just a general observation, but I let it pass. I have to thank All World Acres and their Body Magic event as well as the Moksha Magic ritual for helping me get over issues with my body. Growing up and even in my early twenties when I was the most physically fit in my life, I would rarely go without a shirt or wear shorts or swimming trunks. At these events I was able to get to the point that I was completely comfortable naked in front of strangers. However one aspect of these events was a source of emotional pain. It seemed that everyone was paired up as couples or other configurations of relationships and I wasn't. These kinds of things led me back to the kind of questioning I would get into with regard to relationships. “What is wrong with me?” “Am I that unattractive to look at?” But no answers. I have always been shy, painfully shy. I worked on that to the extent that I can with difficulty talk to strangers and even speak before a group. In fact, I am good enough at this that, although my stomach will be in knots, no one can tell. When I was growing up, I had a cousin who was chased by girls. I wanted to emulate him, especially in one aspect. He always treated women so well that when he broke up with a girlfriend she still adored him. In my entire lifetime, I have had one girlfriend and a marriage, neither of which was a good relationship. I have no idea how others perceive me, but the misperception by that one friend makes me want to know. Perhaps if I know about some of these perceptions, I may better understand how some things developed as they did. I would like to ask any of you who have known me during these years to email me or private message me, telling me your perceptions or those of others of which you were aware. My email is the.john.missing@gmail.com

Changes

Sometimes when we set out on a course, we follow the best guidance
we can, but we find that what was intended to be a lifelong path
turns out to be an interim course. This is not to say it was a
wrong choice, but rather a starting point to prepare for something
else.
This year, when I passed the second anniversary of my ordination, I
quite naturally reflected on where I was in my monastic life and
where I was going. I recognized that the life of a monk alone and
outside a monastery was not working out very well for me. At the
same time there would be little chance for me to move to a
monastery in India or Nepal with my health issues. However, since
December I had begun teaching an English-language Dharma class for
the youngsters at Quan Am Buddhist Temple and participating as a
welcomed visitor.
There were several weeks that I had been unable to attend the
temple. When I went back, I realized how profoundly I had missed
it. At the same time my sister had noticed the positive impact of
my participation and the support of the temple community.
Therefore, a short time ago, I asked the head monk, through the
novice monk, that I be received as his student and a member of the
monastic community. He said yes and that we would talk when he gets
back, as he is away teaching right now. Almost in confirmation of
my decision, I noticed that the name cast into the new temple bell
is "Quan Am Buddhist Monastery - America."
This acceptance has already made a change. I find that I want to
spend more time at the temple. I really want to learn the services.
Furthermore, whereas I used to think that it might be nice to learn
Vietnamese, I am now motivated to study the language, first to
master the chanting, but ultimately to speak and understand it.
Realistically, at my age, I don't learn as easily as I did when I
was younger, but I am highly motivated to overcome the difficulty..
This is not just about me and what I need, but rather it is about
being of service to others. Already I have had the opportunity to
support my brother novice monk as he has faced some of his first
challenges since his ordination. I have been able to give him the
benefit of my age and experience. It may not be all that profound,
but it is not useless either.
Right now I am very much looking forward to the master's return
when we shall sit down to discuss my future. There are so many
questions to be answered. Shall I be received as sramanera (novice
monk) or shall have to start over as an aspirant (which I am indeed
willing to do)? Even with that I would reach Bhikkhu ordination
sooner than I would ever have otherwise. One of the sad realities
that I had recognized was that many Drikung Kagyu monks had been
many years without Bhikkhu ordination.
Finally, I cannot think it merely accidental that this is a very
devoted Pure Land temple which ties in so well with the Phowa
practice to which I was devoted. It seems so much like the next
step for me with support to keep my practice from lapsing.
Furthermore, I am looking forward to a course of study which will
cover all of Buddhism.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 91 – Aftereffects Continue

February 22, 2012, 3:00 AM

At my age getting up at this time of the morning to make a trip to the bathroom to urinate is completely normal. In fact, it is so normal that one develops strategies to make the trip to and from the bathroom without getting fully alert in order that returning to sleep is easier. All you really want to do is to relieve the bladder and not interrupt your rest. That is the goal this morning too.

Through my half-open eyelids I notice that the water in the toilet bowl is red, really, really red. Something is very, very wrong! As I am stopping urinating, I also notice pain, but it is short-term!

Now there is no longer the possibility of just going back to sleep. I am thoroughly awake!

After only a few seconds debate with myself, I call the VA Sick Call line for “telephone triage.” The RN has a series of questions to ask me such as, “Do you have abdominal pain? Do you have a fever?” We continue through the whole batch and come to the conclusion that I do need to see my doctor in the morning (actually later in the morning), but I don't need to come to the ER right away unless other symptoms develop.

Driving in to the VA, as I am still on the highway, I receive a call from my doctor's nurse. They have seen that I called into the sick call line and have ordered labs for me. Therefore, as soon as I go through “Urgent Care” and get set up with an appointment with my doctor, I go over to the lab for blood to be drawn and for me to give them a urine specimen. Fortunately my urine is back to its normal color.

My doctor explains that I am apparently among those who after radiation therapy are prone to prostatitis. (Oh thrills.) He prescribes a course of antibiotics and orders follow up labs at a later date.

Fortunately, the antibiotics do their job and clear up the infection. However, their usual side effects of disturbing my entire GI tract also set in. For this I put myself on a course of probiotics specifically yogurt and kefir. Thus after a week of antibiotics and another of probiotics I get back to normal.

That motivates me to research herbal treatments for prostatis which I do find both in Western herbs and in Chinese herbs. In fact, on a web site devoted to prostatitis, I find high praise for the effectiveness of the Chinese herbs and their lack of side effects. Since my primary care doctor said that I am now prone to prostatis, this is useful information to file away for future reference.

March 28, 2012, 3:10 AM

Once again with a serious amount of blood in my urine, but now, knowing what it is most likely to be. I don't bother to call the VA Sick Call line for “telephone triage.” This time I have decided to give the herbal remedies a try before I resort to the antibiotics from the VA. If they should prove ineffective, I already have a regular follow up appointment at Radiation Oncology in less than a week.

At a more decent hour of the morning I set out to the health food stores to find the Western herbs on my list, but they don't have them. Therefore, I turn to the Chinese herbs and head to an Asian market that has a Chinese apothecary. There, much to my surprise I find “Prostate Gland Pills,” already compounded.

Within two days I have relief of the pain. By the time I finish the bottle of pills, I am symptom free. This time I don't have to deal with the side effects of antibiotics. That does seem like a big plus. When I keep my appointment at Radiation Oncology a few days later , I don't even have to talk about the prostatis

I can't recommend to everyone that they turn to herbal remedies for everything. I can only say that for me these particular herbs were quite effective and without unpleasant side effects. This is my body and my health, and therefore, my choice.

July 20, 2012, 11:49 PM

I am at Quan Am Buddhist Temple. We have had Friday night prayers and I am settling in to stay over for morning chanting. Trying to get up at the house and make it to the temple early enough for morning chanting has not worked all that well.

Preparing for bed, I make a trip to the bathroom. For the first time in so many months, I am faced with the blood in the urine and the characteristic pain. I not only know what is wrong but also know what to do about it. Rather than stay the night, I go back to the house, because I have the “Prostate Gland Pills” from the Chinese apothecary. I would figure that the sooner I start them, the sooner I will recover. However, this time my body is dealing with an unhealed wound on my foot for which antibiotics had not been effective. In fact, I have not fully recovered from the antibiotics when I start this round of herbs.

At this point the herbs seem to be doing the job for both the wound and for the prostatis.

Although I missed Sunday morning prayers and my Dharma class for the youngsters, I have made it to Tuesday night prayers and am staying over for morning chanting.

Why I HAD to Go to Walgreens in the Middle of a Thunderstorm.

Recently, while traveling, my hearing aid signaled that the battery was getting low. Although I searched my bag thoroughly, I could not find the package of batteries that I carry for such occasions. I decide to go to Walgreens to get a new pack before my hearing aid shut off which I managed to do just I in time. Shortly afterward I noticed the package of batteries in my bag that I couldn't find before. I then joked, "I guess someone at Walgreens needed to see a monk."

However, that is not just a joke. I have long heard that it is a great blessing just to see a monk. Although no one said just how it was a blessing, just as it says in the Mahamangala Sutra, “Stanza IX

27. Khantii: Patience

28. Sovacassataa: Meekness when corrected.

29. Sama.naana~n ca dassana.m: Meeting (seeing) monks.

30. Kaalena dhammasaakacchaa: Discussing the Dhamma at the proper time.” However, I did find the following list on a Theravadan web site:

“The Benefits of seeing a true monk

1. Makes us aware of our responsibilities to cultivate meritorious deed.

2. Inspires us to follow the good manner and conduct of the true monk.

3. Enables us to have the right view and greater wisdom in way of life.

4. Becomes a non-recklessness person.

5. Seen as a person who fully pays homage to the Triple gems.

6. Enables us to attain the threefold treasure: Mundane treasure, Celestial treasure and Nirvana treasure.

7. Enables us to attain the path and fruits of the Nirvana.”

Bearing such things in mind, a few days ago, in the middle of a thunderstorm, I felt a powerful urge to go to shopping at Walgreens. I had chosen a couple of cleaning products from their weekly ad to purchase, but planned to go at a more “reasonable” time. Nevertheless, obeying my intuition, I went, getting the items I intended to buy and a few others. As I approached the checkout a young man with only one item was also approaching it and I waved him ahead, but he said that I should go ahead of him, which I did. When we had both paid for our purchases, he asked me where my temple was. I explained that our classes were in borrowed facilities.

We then spent several minutes talking about his experiences visiting Tibet several times. We also talked about the realities of the situation in Tibet especially in the light of the recent shut down by Chinese authorities. What are the odds of the only Tibetan Buddhist monk in this redneck town meeting a young American who really understands what is happening in Tibet?

I cannot say whether I may meet this young man again. However, I can hope that, despite my being the last and least of all Drikung Kagyu monks, nevertheless he may receive the blessings of meeting a monk. Thereby, even my most mundane activities may be for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Baby Monk

(Edited from several of my blog posts which I prevously published under the title “A Journey Through Cancer,” this was prepared for public reading for event #5 of LOL, Life Out Loud ( www.lol-lifeoutloud.com) where it was well received.)

October 14, 2008

Just in case you are wondering about my history of romantic relationships, let me tell you this: In my case that history is nil. I have had what I thought at the time were romantic relationships, but were actually something else entirely. First of all, throughout high school I hardly dated at all much less developed any kind of teenage romance. In college the first time, as a budding alcoholic I fell into dating the daughter of an alcoholic which was hardly a romance but rather two sick people supporting each other's sickness. Furthermore, although this was the era of "free love," we hardly even got into heavy petting. Through my first hitch in the Navy, I hardly dated but instead turned to prostitutes for sex. Returning to college from the Navy, I dated even less although I found myself in the company of women. Often they were so comfortable and "safe" with me that they would reveal the most intimate of secrets.
Not long after college, I did marry. This had nothing to do with romance or even "good sex." I filled the requirements for her to get her son out of foster care. I also provided some degree of financial security. Although this was a nightmare of a marriage with her drinking and drugging and semi-psychotic behavior, karmicly it was for the good, because I protected her son from her violence. During my second enlistment in the Navy we divorced. After that, I only dated a few times and had a sexual relationship once before I was discharged. After the Navy, I entered a Russian Orthodox Monastery. From then until now, notwithstanding both an informal renunciation of the monastic vows and a ritualized renunciation of them, in the years since quit being a Christian monk I have not actually dated nor have I had a sexual relationship, not even a single romantic kiss. We're not talking just about a sex life, but about the potential of a real love life!
Reflecting on this sordid history, especially the time after rejecting the constraints of Orthodox Christian monasticism, I have to come to certain conclusions. It is my Karma, for whatever reasons from my present life and my past lives that I am not seen by any woman as being a potential romantic or sexual partner. Since we are in the 21st Century and no longer operating within the limitations of the 1960s, if a woman really were interested, she would make herself known. Indeed one lady who found my MySpace profile interesting did contact me, making her interest known to me. But in spite of our common interests and shared points of view, nothing came of it.
At this late date in my life, facing this constant reminder of my mortality, in 2009, I gave no more energy to even the possibility of romance, sex, or any such thing. Instead, I accepted that the remainder of my life was to be at least as solitary as it had been so far. No wife, no girlfriend, no lover, no partner of any kind. I was instead to be permanently celibate as a Tibetan Buddhist monk. While this was a well -considered decision, its implementation has required mental, emotional and spiritual work for its fulfillment. I am, after all, a heterosexual man with a healthy libido. [pause]

Over time, especially during my drinking years, there were many "close calls"with death. For instance, in 1973 I had a fractured vertebra which should have left me paralyzed but it only served to get me to my first alcohol rehab and my first AA meeting. A few days out of the hospital I drank again. Then in 1983, I fell asleep at the wheel, perched my van in a tree and ended up with both arms broken, a fractured knee, a few holes in me, and various internal injuries.

Two weeks into my hospital stay, my X-rays revealed a traumatic tear of the descending aorta which was "seeping." A thin membrane was keeping me from "bleeding out" into my chest.

Of course all those fractures, have left behind reminders in the arthritic pains especially with storms approaching or in the cold of winter. The repaired tear to the aorta has given me a tendency to make micro-clots that have produced mini-strokes. However, I am still alive and I get to burn off the negative Karma and find ways to be of benefit to sentient beings, feeling, living beings.

In 2008, when I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and after hearing the treatment plan the doctors set out for me, I decided to become a monk. Becoming a monk was finally the acceptance of my Karma.

October 9th, I had my first appointment at Radiation Oncology with Dr. Zachariah and his nurse, Joyce. We discussed the plan for my treatment which would begin sooner than expected. It seems that current research indicates no benefit from hormone therapy for patients receiving beam radiation treatments. On the other hand, it could have produced unnecessary side effects, even exacerbating coronary artery disease, which I have to a mild degree. At least now I don't have to face the development of "man boobs" and I get a reprieve from erectile dysfunction.
On December 2nd, I go in for my first treatment session. In all, I would have around 42. Thereafter, Monday through Friday, except for Federal Holidays, I go in every day until all those have been completed.
The radiation has a daunting set of side effects. These start with the minor sensitivity or irritation of the skin through which the beam passes. From there we move through a series of consequences to the bladder, urethra, and rectum which range from minor to very serious. Of course, any discussion of side effects was weighed against the results of the cancer spreading to other organs and tissues. While I was not particularly worried about dying, I'd rather not have to deal with cancer loose in the rest of my body.
September 23, 2011

In the phase called “surveillance,” this monk gets a prostate biopsy which is not something I enjoy having. An enema first thing in the morning is not my idea of a good start to the day.
The nurse calls me in.
It is so strange that I am so comfortable pulling down my shorts there in mixed company. I guess it helps that the nurse has such a masculine manner that she seems more like “one of the guys.” I couldn't say whether this is from her sexual orientation or the aftereffects of a military career, but it is common among VA staff. However it comes about, I am grateful for it, because this is a far more intimate situation than simple nudity. This is more a matter of feeling vulnerable and trusting the crew working on me.
In the lab, with my shorts pulled down and my shantab pulled up I lie on my side as the nurse gives me the local anesthetic to prepare me for the procedure. I chat easily with the nurse and the tech as well as the doctor when he comes in. The small talk helps me be more at ease in such an unnatural situation.
Oddly, despite the overall unnaturalness of the whole situation, everything about the entire procedure seems so familiar and so “normal.” I don't flinch with the spring release on each biopsy needle and even understand the locations that the doctor reports to the nurse to record for each sample. I don't even have the curiosity to see the ultrasound monitor as I had wished to do during the previous biopsies.
This time I know fully what to expect. It won't be quite as easy a recovery as the first one had been, but it won't be too bad either. I'll have a little bleeding, both rectal and urinary, a bit more than some others might because of the blood thinner I normally take, but it won't last all that long. I also know not to be surprised by how much I'll hurt when the anesthetic wears off. After all, the doctor has just jabbed a dozen holes through my rectum into my prostate gland.
Thursday, November 17, 2011.

Finally it is the day for me to get the results of my latest prostate biopsy!!
I am called in to see the doctor. As it turns out I see two doctors, a senior resident and a junior resident.
The junior takes the lead in explaining that my prostate lab test is well within normal bounds, although still not as low as we would wish after radiation therapy. Nevertheless, with no sign of cancer in any biopsy sample we won't be scheduling any more biopsies. Monitoring will just be continuing the lab tests accompanied with digital rectal examinations, [pause] the “finger wave”. In fact, he does one of those today and pronounces, based on that and the labs and the biopsy, that there is no sign of cancer now. I can tell that he lacks experience, because he seems to be SEARCHING for my prostate rather than knowing exactly where it is.
July 19th 2011

When I decided to become a monk, I resigned myself to the “facts” that I could never be a lama and that I could never spend very long in a monastery in India or Nepal. Since my source of health care is the Veterans Administration system, I cannot go longer than six months and still receive my regular medications. When I reflect on my life as I have lived it up to the present moment, I have tried many things, not all of them successfully. Indeed there are a lot that would fall into the category of nonvirtue, but at least not into the category of heinous acts. I know that I am nothing special but just the phenomenon that results from certain causes under certain conditions. I know I am not the ideal monk. I know I am a "baby" Buddhist and "baby" monk.

However, there is nothing that I have ever done that is totally wasted, no matter how much I may regret having done it, as long as it may be turned to the benefit of others.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 90 - “Surveillance” continues and beyond

Friday, September 23, 2011:
I really don't want to get up this morning! A prostate biopsy is not something I enjoy having. I may look forward to the results, but I don't look forward to the procedure itself. At least the prep is not that rigorous or unpleasant. Nevertheless, an enema in the morning is not my idea of a good start to the day. Stopping my anti-inflammatory meds for a week has left me stiff and achy this morning. Arthritis can be so unforgiving!
As slow as I'm moving and as unmotivated as I am, it is good that the appointment is not too early. Nevertheless, I have gotten there in plenty of time, but I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be, because they seem to do them in different parts of the hospital every time I have one. Fortunately, I'm swiftly guided to the right waiting room, but don't have to wait long before the nurse calls me.
It is so strange that I am so comfortable pulling down my shorts here in mixed company. I guess it helps that the nurse has such a masculine manner that she seems more like “one of the guys.” I couldn't say whether this is from her sexual orientation or the aftereffects of a military career, but it is common among VA staff. However it comes about, I am grateful for it, because this is a far more intimate situation than simple nudity. This is more a matter of feeling vulnerable and trusting the crew working on me. It reminds me of feelings I have had before anesthesia for surgery.
Of course before we get to the actual procedure, we have the paperwork to do which, ironically, is now paperless. I hate these new digital signature pads! You don't see your writing as you write and when you see it, it is inevitably so unlike your normal signature. I guess you get better with practice, because the doctor's looks the same on the computer as it does on paper.
In the lab, with my shorts pulled down and my shantab pulled up I lie on the gurney on my side as the nurse gives me the local anesthetic to prepare me for the procedure. I chat easily with the nurse and the tech as well as the doctor when he comes in, the small talk that helps me be more at ease in such an unnatural situation. At least this time I am more confident that this is simply routine with nothing to find in the specimens that will be taken.
Oddly, despite the overall unnaturalness of the whole situation, everything about the entire procedure seems so familiar and so “normal.” I don't flinch with the spring release on each biopsy needle and even understand the locations that the doctor reports to the nurse to record for each sample. I don't even have the curiosity to see the ultrasound monitor as I had wished to do do during the previous biopsies.
This time I know fully what to expect. It won't be quite as easy a recovery as the first one had been, but it won't be too bad either. I'll have a little bleeding both rectal and urinary, a bit more than some others might because of the anticoagulants I normally take, but it won't last all that long. I also know not to be surprised by how much I'll hurt when the anesthetic wears off. After all, the doctor has just jabbed a dozen holes through my rectum into my prostate gland. At least knowing how much it will hurt, will make it no surprise and keep me from worrying when it does.

Thursday, November 17, 2011.
Finally it is the day for me to get the results of my latest prostate biopsy!! I did get a preview of the results when a nurse practitioner in another clinic looked at the report, but she couldn't really interpret it except to tell me that the word “carcinoma” was not in it. While that was significantly good news, I really want the full interpretation.
Unfortunately, the Urology/Oncology clinic seems to be running behind today. I was about ten minutes past my appointment time seeing the nurse, but it is now fully an hour past the appointment time and I haven't seen the doctor yet. At least I'm not in any kind of pain like some of my fellow patients, but I am still anxious to get whatever news this is. Finally, almost an hour and fifteen minutes late, I am called in to see the doctor. As it turns out I see two doctors, a senior resident and a junior resident.
The junior takes the lead in explaining that my PSA is well within normal bounds, although still not as low as we would wish after radiation therapy. Nevertheless, with no sign of cancer in any biopsy sample we won't be scheduling any more biopsies. Monitoring will just be continuing the PSA tests accompanied with digital rectal examinations. In fact, he does one today and pronounces, based on that and the PSA and the biopsy, that there is no sign of cancer now. I have to comment that I can tell that he lacks some of the experience that other doctors and nurse practitioners who have given me DREs have had, but I do understand that he is gaining that experience in his residency. However, I do wish he had gotten a little more practice before he saw me, because he did seem to be searching for my prostate rather than knowing exactly where it should be.
Now, I feel I should celebrate as I had promised myself long ago by dining on Thai food. Unfortunately, the Thai restaurant that we had in Plant City has closed and I am already short of funds at this point in the month. I have considered the option of going to one of the Thai temples where I would be invited to dine with their monks, but that has not worked out yet on any of the Sundays that I might go. Nevertheless, I shall see whether there is a restaurant in Lakeland or Brandon where I may order takeout. I also look forward to going on a pilgrimage to Wat Florida Dhammaram to visit their shrines as soon as I can manage that.

When I reflect on how I got to this point in this “Journey through Cancer,” I must acknowledge that it has not been just through modern Western medicine that I have reached the state of having no sign of cancer. I have also utilized alternative and herbal medicine bolstered by spiritual practices. These have worked even after the radiation therapy had ceased its beneficial effects. They have also been of great benefit when dealing with the negative aftereffects of that therapy. Moreover the spiritual practices have helped me to see the bigger picture of which this bout with cancer is but a small part.
I am not in this thing alone. Nor have these events in my life been confined to this lifetime in their origins and effects. While I may have some indications of some of the Karmic traces with which I may have entered this particular rebirth, there are most likely others of which I have no clue. Indeed that doesn't matter nearly as much as what I do with them.
Early in my life, in my infancy, I was too immature to know what to do. When I got a little older but not much more mature, I could complain and even feel that it was grossly unfair that I should have to deal with so much medical stuff. At other times, as a science geek, I was fascinated by the technical aspects. Through all of that I was focused on me, me, me.
Only since becoming Buddhist have I come to understand that it is not about me at all. While I indeed am responsible for the Karmic seeds I have planted in the past which have borne fruit in this lifetime, I have the choice of what to do with the circumstances in which I find myself. Each day I must focus my attention on how best to serve all sentient beings. Whether formally or informally practicing Tonglen, whenever I dedicate my pain, my illness, my difficulty or my struggle to the benefit of all beings, sincerely desiring to relieve their pain, their illness, their difficulty or their struggle, indeed all their suffering, my negative Karma is purified. It need not carry forward into future rebirths.
“I rely on you, buddhas and bodhisattvas, until I achieve enlightenment. Please grant me enough wisdom and courage to be free from delusion.
“If I am supposed to get sick, let me get sick, and I’ll be happy. May this sickness purify my negative karma and the sickness of all sentient beings.
“If I am supposed to be healed, let all my sickness and confusion be healed, and I’ll be happy. May all sentient beings be healed and filled with happiness.
“If I am supposed to die, let me die and I’ll be happy. May all the delusion and the causes of suffering of beings die.
“If I am supposed to live a long life, let me live a long life and I’ll be happy. May my life be meaningful in service to sentient beings.
“If my life is to be cut short, let it be cut short and I’ll be happy. May I and all others be free from attachment and aversion.”

Aspirations

As I travel I am keenly aware of my responsibility to all other Buddhists, especially Tibetan Buddhist monks. Even as a getsul and a "young monk in an old body," I know that I am nothing special but just the phenomenon that results from certain causes under certain conditions.I know I am not the ideal monk and I know I am a "baby" Buddhist and "baby" monk, nevertheless I share the Dharma as well as I can and do not hesitate to say, "I don't know."

I have been most blessed in my life. Back in June 2009, I was most fortunate to meet His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche, a genuine mahasiddha. That was a life changing event for me. However, I had not been able to find another opportunity to receive his teachings until this year. I do not intend to allow that much time pass before I see him again. At our ages I cannot waste that much time.

Therefore, I aspire to go our to Garchen Institute in Chino Valley, Arizona. I am not sure when or how. The two occasions which most appeal to me are:

1) Late December to attend Phowa and Bardo teachings and bring in the Western New Year with Rinpoche.

or 2) To go to the Yamantaka Retreat in February, not to attend the retreat, but rather to serve the retreat. I am not ready for such a retreat, but, “I exist to serve.”

I don't know which of these is within my reach to do or even whether either of them is. Nevertheless, I have researched the least expensive way to get there which is by Greyhound Bus to Flagstaff and local shuttle to Chino Valley. I do plan to undertake my own fundraising by looking for things around here that I may sell on eBay, perhaps even making a few craft items for it as well.