Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 70 – Once Again Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Friday and Saturday, I managed to do more than I have been able to do in a long time. I transplanted four columnar basil plants that I had rooted and transferred three cuttings of holy basil from small pots to larger ones. In doing both of these operations, I took the existing potting soil and added peat moss and composted manure in order to give all of the basil plants the best soil as outlined in articles on growing basil. I also re-potted an Okinawan spinach into a five gallon bucket. I even put cardboard out in my backyard in preparation for sheet mulching to reclaim my backyard from the weeds that have flourished in it. After all of that, I still managed to start rearranging things in my bedroom to be able to move my stationary bike into a position where I can use it.

That was so much more than I have done since before my radiation treatments. However, although I was very tired on Saturday and had to deal with the bowel urgency throughout the work, I really paid the price for so much activity Saturday night and Sunday morning. Not only did I have the urgency, but I also had more bleeding than I have had for weeks now. I can only hope that it does not persist. I was forced to forgo any other activities planned for Sunday and rest instead.

On Monday I spread out the cardboard that I had in the backyard and even managed to pull vines down from the back wall of the house. I also did a little more moving around of things in the bedroom to the extent that I could now use the stationary bike as it is, but I still need to get things in some semblance of order because some things are merely stacked up but not organized. Also clothes and bedding that were stored in boxes need to be laundered. I expect that I shall be tired on Tuesday, but I only have one planned project for that afternoon, installing my sisters new hanging lamp over her kitchen table. At least with a modest plan, I may be able to achieve a little without having to spend another day or two recovering from the work.

There is great satisfaction in accomplishing these tasks, but I have to learn to be realistic about my capabilities. As I have written before, I cannot compare what I am now able to do with what I could do before any treatments, but rather with what I could do after all the treatments were finished. An honest evaluation of my abilities requires that I neither overestimate them nor underestimate them. In the former case I would be doomed to failure by repeatedly undertaking projects that I cannot possibly complete. However, in the latter case, I would not even attempt tasks or projects well within my abilities. Ideally I would not always foolishly exceed my capacities, but rather continually seek to extend my abilities by striving to do a little more and a little more. That is the path to progress and growth.

In technical matters I have a beautiful example, learning how to do more things with the Linux operating system. I keep trying to do new things with it, especially things that I knew how to do with Windows. For example, back when I still ran Microsoft Windows on my laptop, I could interface it with my cellphone as a modem. While the cost of minutes on a cellphone could make it prohibitively expensive and the dialup speed would limit its usefulness, it could be valuable to have the option of logging onto the Internet anywhere that I had a cell signal. A few days ago I finally figured out how to connect to my present phone and configure the dialup program under Linux. Not only do I have a satisfying sense of accomplishment, but I have also learned more about Ubuntu Linux. Furthermore, this has practical value in that, in the event that I am hospitalized unexpectedly, I can go online to turn off email lists and upload homework for online courses that I am taking.

In spiritual matters, I similarly need to reach beyond my current accomplishments without trying impossibly difficult practices for my present level of development. Although I know that we all possess buddhanature, I have to remember that I need to persevere in practice in order to overcome the afflictive emotions and obscurations that keep me from buddhahood. Through countless rebirths I have developed the habitual illusions and delusions that hide my true nature and bind me in cyclic existence. I am most fortunate that I am cleansing a lot of karma by living through all the medical issues with which I have been dealing. Furthermore, by applying Dharma in action, I can make it benefit not only myself but also all sentient beings. I am doing this both by sharing with others my experiences of my own “ Journey Through Cancer,” and by being motivated to study and attain proficiency in both Tonglen meditation and Phowa practice.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 69 – Thanksgiving

Last Thanksgiving I was just a few days away from the start of my radiation therapy. This year those treatments are months behind me and my latest PSA test was a 1.1, having gone from 3.1 to 1.7 to 1.0 and now to 1.1, bearing in mind that anything under 4.0 is considered normal. Therefore, for Thanksgiving I wore my “I am a Survivor” t-shirt. Of course that statement, for me, is about more than just surviving this cancer, but rather about surviving all the things that I have survived in this lifetime.

Today, my sister, our friend who is like a sister, and I had Thanksgiving dinner with another friend with whom we have celebrated the holiday in several past years. We enjoyed the company of her, her daughters and her grandchildren as well as her brother and his wife, her nephew and his wife, and her mother. Knowing that I am a vegetarian, she prepared a vegetarian lasagna which was delicious. It was a very pleasant day and I ate too much, but that is normal for this particular holiday. I can resume my weight control program tomorrow.

Since I haven't completely gotten over the bowel urgency issue, I think I need to get my stationary bike set up to use until I can either resume a program of walking or begin a program of outdoor bike riding. The chief problem with riding a stationary bike is boredom which is why I would rather ride a regular bicycle in the neighborhood or even as basic transportation. Nevertheless, perhaps I can rig up some kind of stand on the stationary bike to hold a book or my laptop to give me something more interesting to do while I get my exercise. However, eventually I will recover sufficiently to no longer need to plan my travels around the availability of clean restrooms.

The lack of a suitable bathroom is just one of the issues that has kept me from any “sobriety sweat”t his season. Hopefully it won't be long before I can participate in one before the summer. At least I can expect to tend fire for the sweat lodge at “Yulefest” at All World Acres in December.

While the radiation colitis has interfered with my participation at Katsel Dharma Center, I am looking forward to getting active again as my recovery progresses. Even though the worst of the colitis lesions were cauterized in the colonoscopy and the sigmoidoscopy, they still needed to heal and are still healing. Of course, this is taking longer than I want it to, but I just have to be patient and do whatever I can to facilitate this healing. I have resumed eating my “medicinal noodles,” Ramen noodles with miso broth, and have begun adding fenugreek sprouts to my sandwiches. With that on the practical side and Medicine Buddha practice on the spiritual side, I am working on my program of recovery to finish getting well. Furthermore, the practice is not for myself alone, but for the benefit of all sentient beings. That is such an important lesson from our lamas!!

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 68 – Recovery and Accomplishment

Last Wednesday night I finished removing the small section of fence on the north side of my house to open that as the new way to go into my backyard. I even managed to carry the old rusty fencing and rotten posts out to the roadside for the next morning's garbage pickup. Accomplishing this small task is very satisfying after such a long time that I haven't been able to do most of these kinds of jobs. However, this was not completed in just one try but had to be done in small portions. Since the cauterizing of the radiation colitis lesions I have found that any physical exertion brings on serious bowel urgency. While this phenomenon is diminishing, I could only dig a little, pull a little or cut a little each time. Nevertheless, the path is now opened leaving the moving of the paving stones to a later time, again doing a little at a time.

While recovering from my radiation treatments, it is easy to compare what I can accomplish in any project with what I could do before the cancer and the treatments, but that is just a sure way to get depressed needlessly. The proper comparison is what I am able to do now with what I was able to accomplish at the end of the treatments. At that point I could only manage my basic self care but not much else. Even though I have had to cope with the aftereffects of the radiation, my recovery has continued, sometimes in fits and spurts, sometimes moving forward, sometimes losing a little ground, but nonetheless uninterrupted. Therefore, I can do more now than I could at the end of treatments, as well as more than I could several weeks or months ago.

Over the weekend, I helped my sister as a participant at Sustainable Living Conference. With setting up on Friday afternoon and Saturday morning and taking down the booth on Sunday afternoon and Monday afternoon, it was physically demanding. Furthermore, our presentations also required serious effort as well. Nevertheless, I was able to do it, although I have had to rest much of Monday. The accomplishment of all of this has been very satisfying, especially recognizing the progress that this represents.

On Saturday, I spent a little time talking to a friend who has also been through his own “Journey Through Cancer.” Like we are all inclined to do, he has struggled with the comparison of what he can do now with what he could do years ago. We talked about the common human experience of aging in which we find our physical capacities declining over the years. When we add to this the negative results of our cancer and the additional effects of our various courses of treatment, is it any wonder that we find ourselves not able to do what we did years ago? However, if we look at how little we could do at our lowest point physically in this “Journey,” we can see our progress and, hopefully accept it as it is. Notwithstanding the need of our own efforts in making progress in our recovery, we cannot force it into a rate of progress beyond our rate of healing as a physical process.

All of this experience is applicable to spirituality as well. When I seek to evaluate spiritual progress, it is too easy to compare myself to the ideal, but that is a great mistake most of the time. If I am too far from that ideal, I might give up on all my practice. Rather, I need to see that I have indeed made a degree of progress as I have devoted myself to my practice as well as to learn from the particular experiences of my life. The only time I need to refer to the ideal, particularly buddhahood, is to keep me from becoming too content with any specific level of progress. Nevertheless, I need to develop my compassion out of the various aspects of this disease, its treatment, and the recovery from that treatment. Whether it is the pain or the fatigue or the awareness of mortality, it is all to be dedicated to the benefit of all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 67 – Still Recovering, Still Impatient

In the weeks and months since my radiation treatments, I have been recovering steadily with a few setbacks along the way. The tumor in the prostate has shrunk until it is undetectable. My PSA test value has gone steadily downward. In another week I'll see the radiation oncologist again for a follow-up appointment. At that point I'll find out the latest value for my PSA, but I have no doubt that it will continue the downward progression that we have been watching up until now.

With regard to the big issue, the cancer, I have been having the desired results. At the same time, the side effects, or rather after effects, of the radiation therapy have been improving. While the overwhelming fatigue has decreased and the urinary pain has diminished to almost nothing and the skin irritation has totally gone, not all of the effects are resolved. The symptoms of radiation colitis hit me unexpectedly later than the others. For months I was troubled by bowel symptoms as well as significant bleeding. It took two different attempts at cauterizing the lesions to really bring the bleeding to a stop. For that improvement I am deeply grateful, but I still want to find relief for the other symptoms.

Unfortunately the cauterizing has caused the tissues of the colon to be quite irritated which is slow to heal. As a result I am having a problem of bowel urgency. When I feel the need for a bowel movement, I have little time to delay. I have had a few “accidents” from not getting to the toilet fast enough. Furthermore, the least physical activity brings on the urge for a bowel movement. In addition, while I have had relief from the worst of the fatigue, I still do not have the stamina that I had before the treatments began.

Since this whole thing began, so many things inside and outside this house have been allowed to fall behind in routine maintenance. The interior has not been kept as clean and tidy as it should be. Some repairs have been let slide. During the rainy season the weeds have really gotten overgrown around the yard. The entrance to my back yard that I want to open on the north side of the house to replace the one on the south side has only been cleared of part of the old fence. The paving stones are still on the south side of the house and that opening has not been closed yet. The limbs that fell from my grapefruit tree in the front yard still have not been cleared, although I did manage to cut some of them already.

Besides these things, my truck still has not been repaired. However, I have been able to drive the van for my sister when she has needed it. Nevertheless the tasks that I want and need to do but cannot get done frustrate me. While I realize that I should be patient with myself and my progress, I still find it hard to accept the slow pace.

There have been some notable accomplishments which should be more satisfying, but I keep wanting more. I have fixed a couple of computers for friends, setting them up with the Linux operating system and showing them how to use it. I have even been able to repair this laptop that I use to write my blogs and do my school work. The display went completely black and I replaced the panel and the inverter circuit from another laptop of the same kind. I have even been able to prepare the presentations that my sister will give at a sustainable living conference later in the month.

While I realize that I could not do that much by the time the radiation treatments were finished, I also realize that these feelings are quite normal under the circumstances. In 1983, when I had a major motor vehicle accident, I had a long recovery period before I was declared “fit for full duty.” During that year I was often frustrated by the seemingly slow rate of progress, but I understand in retrospect how severe my injuries were and how near I came to dying. Even though this “ Journey Through Cancer” has not required anything as rigorous as the physical therapy of that year, it is, nevertheless, quite serious and has its own rigors.

I know that these events are unfolding as the fruit of the seeds of Karma planted in a previous lifetime. Through present difficulties a lot of negative karma is being cleansed and even turned into something positive to benefit myself and others. For that I am most grateful, because I can not only understand that Dharma is not just to be studied but to be lived, but I can also show this to others who may yet benefit from it.

Preparing for Ordination – Attachment, Aversion, and Equanimity

This evening I went to the grocery store. Although I had only run out of one essential item, I decided that I should make it a regular shopping trip, getting the usual things that I keep on hand. In so doing, I made an interesting discovery: my attitude toward food has changed. It was not so firmly rooted in the attachment/aversion type of feelings, but rather it was closer to equanimity in approaching the choices on a more utilitarian basis. Nevertheless, I cannot claim to have attained perfect equanimity.

The chocolate cake that I bought, in spite of being sugar-free, is not truly utilitarian but rather pleasurable. However, even though a food may be pleasurable, it does not automatically represent attachment unless that is the primary or only reason for getting it or eating it. Nevertheless, despite this particular lapse, the rest of my choices seemed more practical than usual. However, this is more a matter of progress rather than perfection. I have a long way to go to truly attain equanimity.

Perhaps the strangest thing about this experience is that it seems that it may be a result of the weeks of poverty that I recently experienced. During that time I went to the food banks and gratefully accepted whatever I received, having no choice in what it was. Indeed the only choice that I exercised was to trade any meat items to my sister for a vegetarian alternative. I am most grateful that I retained at least this spiritual outcome from the whole experience. However, I am sure that I shall see other benefits that I derive from it as well.

Preparing for Ordination – The Hard Work of Poverty

For the past five weeks since my pension got messed up, I have been living on pitifully little money and my financial affairs have been in the hands of others. It is perhaps very good that I have been prepared by growing up poor. It was a great education for making a very little money go a long way. We may not have had many of our wants, but we always had our needs. Furthermore, we always seemed to be able to share our little with those who had even less.

Over these weeks I have turned to food banks for groceries, to my sister and friends to meet the bills that could not be avoided, and to my Buddhist faith to keep from just running out in the street screaming. The resolution of the basic problem with my pension was in the hands of the clerks in the VA bureaucracy in whom I had little confidence because that was where it got messed up in the first place. I had to enlist the aid of others to help me with them. However, in the bureaucracy there was the bright spot of a clerk who not only did what he said he would do, but also seemed to have real compassion for my situation.

As this episode draws to a close I reflect that it may have been a good preparation for my life as a monk to which I still aspire. I am hoping that I may be ordained before my next birthday anniversary. At the time of my ordination I shall be given the exact precepts that I must observe and the specific interpretation and application of them. While a Buddhist monk traditionally is prohibited from handling gold, silver, and gems, in other words money, in the West a relaxing of these particular precepts has sometimes been necessary. We do not have a culture that provides for monks making “alms rounds,” nor an established foundation of contributions to support monasticism in general, leaving some monastics with no choice but to have some kind of secular employment.

Because recent events are not typical of the years since my VA disability claim was approved, I am most fortunate that it provides a basic subsistence income to meet my needs. With the frugality of life as a monk, this can provide most generously not only for me personally but also for the support of Dharma activities. Of course, this does not mean that I would not need to be sponsored for some of the more expensive of these, especially where travel is involved. However, I should be able to devote myself to the Dharma leaving financial matters in the hands of a trustee who will let me know what I can and cannot afford.

These weeks have provided practice in living this way. Furthermore, the degree of stress that I experienced reveals the extent and depth of my attachment to control in my life. Moreover, any attraction to or aversion from certain tastes, sights and smells of foods reveals the spiritual growth that I have not yet attained, but have ahead of me.

It is rather like the military practice of “exercises,” during which each member of the unit hones his or her skills. From the experience they all grow more confident and comfortable with their skills. In much the same way I can take these experiences to grow more comfortable living according to the samayas. Of course I am not proficient in this yet, but I am confident that I can get better at it. Furthermore, I don't have to become perfect in this or anything else before being ordained. Instead I must be firm in my intention and clear in my goal to follow this path all the way. This I must do not only for the benefit of myself but also for the benefit of all human beings

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 66 – An Addendum

Thursday, I was pleasantly surprised around 5 PM by a call from the VA clerk with whom I had talked on Tuesday. He apologized for not calling on Wednesday afternoon, because he had not been around a phone at the time. He informed me that the lifting of the suspension of my pension payments was awaiting approval by the appropriate authority. This was the same information that the county veterans service officer had found out for me earlier that day. However, it was most refreshing to have someone in the bureaucracy who actually did what they said they would do and even demonstrated compassion!

I am also most grateful that it still seems that Dr. P. K's “spot welding” is holding. There has only been slight leakage, but no more of the significant bleeding that I had been experiencing. The discomfort and bowel urgency is an expected consequence of the work that was done, but it should diminish as the sites heal. At least it is no worse than a really bad case of inflamed hemorrhoids although it doesn't respond to hemorrhoid medications. A high fiber diet and psyllium fiber laxatives seem to be of the greatest benefit right now. Also, following the advice of an herbalist, I am adding fenugreek sprouts to my diet for their beneficial effects on the digestive system, hoping that they may aid with the healing needed.

Unfortunately, with everything going on, I have fallen behind in my school work, but I think that I should be able to get caught up easily now that I can expect my recovery to resume. At least, without any money I don't have that many distracting activities on my social calendar ;-)

In my present financial circumstance I have to accept the food I have available and ignore most of my food preferences. The only option that I continue to consistently exercise is that I still maintain my commitment to being vegetarian, because it is not just a food preference, but rather the application of my samaya to not kill any sentient being. However, with regard to attachment to food and attachment to certain tastes and aversion to others, I am a long way from the ideal set forth in the food offering prayer, “By seeing the food as medicine, I will partake of it without attachment or aversion. It shall not serve to increase my pride, arrogance or strength, but will only maintain my body.” Nevertheless, I am getting an opportunity to work on it right now.