Friday and Saturday, I managed to do more than I have been able to do in a long time. I transplanted four columnar basil plants that I had rooted and transferred three cuttings of holy basil from small pots to larger ones. In doing both of these operations, I took the existing potting soil and added peat moss and composted manure in order to give all of the basil plants the best soil as outlined in articles on growing basil. I also re-potted an Okinawan spinach into a five gallon bucket. I even put cardboard out in my backyard in preparation for sheet mulching to reclaim my backyard from the weeds that have flourished in it. After all of that, I still managed to start rearranging things in my bedroom to be able to move my stationary bike into a position where I can use it.
That was so much more than I have done since before my radiation treatments. However, although I was very tired on Saturday and had to deal with the bowel urgency throughout the work, I really paid the price for so much activity Saturday night and Sunday morning. Not only did I have the urgency, but I also had more bleeding than I have had for weeks now. I can only hope that it does not persist. I was forced to forgo any other activities planned for Sunday and rest instead.
On Monday I spread out the cardboard that I had in the backyard and even managed to pull vines down from the back wall of the house. I also did a little more moving around of things in the bedroom to the extent that I could now use the stationary bike as it is, but I still need to get things in some semblance of order because some things are merely stacked up but not organized. Also clothes and bedding that were stored in boxes need to be laundered. I expect that I shall be tired on Tuesday, but I only have one planned project for that afternoon, installing my sisters new hanging lamp over her kitchen table. At least with a modest plan, I may be able to achieve a little without having to spend another day or two recovering from the work.
There is great satisfaction in accomplishing these tasks, but I have to learn to be realistic about my capabilities. As I have written before, I cannot compare what I am now able to do with what I could do before any treatments, but rather with what I could do after all the treatments were finished. An honest evaluation of my abilities requires that I neither overestimate them nor underestimate them. In the former case I would be doomed to failure by repeatedly undertaking projects that I cannot possibly complete. However, in the latter case, I would not even attempt tasks or projects well within my abilities. Ideally I would not always foolishly exceed my capacities, but rather continually seek to extend my abilities by striving to do a little more and a little more. That is the path to progress and growth.
In technical matters I have a beautiful example, learning how to do more things with the Linux operating system. I keep trying to do new things with it, especially things that I knew how to do with Windows. For example, back when I still ran Microsoft Windows on my laptop, I could interface it with my cellphone as a modem. While the cost of minutes on a cellphone could make it prohibitively expensive and the dialup speed would limit its usefulness, it could be valuable to have the option of logging onto the Internet anywhere that I had a cell signal. A few days ago I finally figured out how to connect to my present phone and configure the dialup program under Linux. Not only do I have a satisfying sense of accomplishment, but I have also learned more about Ubuntu Linux. Furthermore, this has practical value in that, in the event that I am hospitalized unexpectedly, I can go online to turn off email lists and upload homework for online courses that I am taking.
In spiritual matters, I similarly need to reach beyond my current accomplishments without trying impossibly difficult practices for my present level of development. Although I know that we all possess buddhanature, I have to remember that I need to persevere in practice in order to overcome the afflictive emotions and obscurations that keep me from buddhahood. Through countless rebirths I have developed the habitual illusions and delusions that hide my true nature and bind me in cyclic existence. I am most fortunate that I am cleansing a lot of karma by living through all the medical issues with which I have been dealing. Furthermore, by applying Dharma in action, I can make it benefit not only myself but also all sentient beings. I am doing this both by sharing with others my experiences of my own “ Journey Through Cancer,” and by being motivated to study and attain proficiency in both Tonglen meditation and Phowa practice.
