Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 81 – Interminable Delay and Agonizing Waiting

When my PSA first went above the 4.0 upper limit of “normal,” starting this journey through cancer, I began a process of finding out its significance which was characterized by long delays between the steps of the process. First, I had to be evaluated by urology for them to decide whether a biopsy was warranted. After the biopsy, I had to wait for its results. After those results, I had to wait to set up a treatment plan. After the treatment had been planned, I had to wait for the treatments to actually begin. Those 45 radiation treatments took more than nine weeks to complete. Even after those treatments, it took a long time for me to recover from their aftereffects.

At this point I had thought I would be expecting soon to hear that I was free of cancer. Instead, I have begun a new cycle of interminable delay and agonizing waiting. It has been a month since I got the unwelcome lab results of a PSA which had more than doubled from the previous reading. While I know that it has been long enough that it would be appropriate to order a new PSA test to confirm that increase, I found out that no such test has been ordered until September and then I would not get those results until December or January. I don't consider that an acceptable delay!!

I decided that it was now time to be my own patient advocate. A little assertiveness would be required. First I could contact the urology oncology clinic to have them order a PSA test before my upcoming appointment. If that didn't work, I could call my primary care physician to do the same. I was fairly sure that he would order it if the urology oncology clinic didn't, because he had ordered it before the appointment I was to have had which I changed to see him sooner.

In the end the nurse manager of my primary care clinic told me to simply go to the outpatient lab and ask them to go ahead and draw blood for the tests ordered for September. When I did, there was no problem. Now I not only had the PSA test, but also the rest of the fasting labs for my appointment with my primary care doctor.

With the test results in the computer, I went to my urology oncology appointment where I found out that my PSA had gone back down to 1.3, a very acceptable level. It seems that the 2.6 was just a “bounce.” I had read about the phenomenon whereby some patients who had had radiation therapy would have a high PSA some time in their second year after treatment. Therefore, I was not facing a return of my cancer at this time, but rather could still consider myself cancer-free even without that “official” designation.

However, I have to realize that the most unpleasant aspects of this experience came from losing sight of the most basic principles of mindfulness. I was not dealing with what was here and now, but rather with what might be. At any moment there are infinite possibilities for “what might be,” but there is only one set of phenomena in my experience which are actually here and now. It is only that with which I may interact. Furthermore, I had narrowed my focus to think only of myself, even then forgetting that, whatever the course of this particular journey, it originated in the fruition of karmic seeds that I had myself planted.

How much have I gone through during the two plus years of this “Journey through Cancer” that has been transformed from the mere endurance of what was required to burn up the negative karma into something positive that could benefit others? Such a transformation was only possible because of the tiny bit of Dharma active in my life. Now that I am a novice monk, devoted to the Dharma, I forgot all of that for these weeks?

While I am ashamed of such a lapse, I remember that I am not a fully realized being, but merely one who is on the path occasionally falling into the ditch. The wisdom of the abbot leaving my name unchanged again manifests in the reminder that it contains. Our goal is enlightenment, buddhahood, for the benefit of all sentient beings, but I am not there yet!

The Unexpected Fulfillment of my Monastic Aspiration - Epilogue

On the 25th day of the 4th month of the Year of the Tiger (7th of June 2010), at 3:45 pm, I was ordained with the name Konchok Jangchup Dorje.

The days and weeks since that momentous event in my life have been a continuing process of revelation and motivation toward spiritual progress. Of course, this has not been without its difficulties and missteps along the way. There has definitely been a learning curve both for myself and for those around me. Whether it is my new wardrobe or my greater priority for attending every activity of the Dharma Center, it is both a matter of my own exercise of will and an adjustment on the part of family and friends.

Although we have Thai Buddhist monks here, being the only Tibetan Buddhist monk in this small town, creates a learning opportunity for everyone I meet as I go about normal errands. I am even the only Tibetan Buddhist monk visiting the VA Hospital when I go for my medical appointments. My last time keeping such an appointment, a VA police officer approached me and asked what kind of monk I am. About an hour later a fellow veteran approached with the same question.

As my Lama had already told me and I had already experienced while traveling, my robes create opportunities to share the Dharma in small bits. These are not times for extensive teachings, but rather moments for the most succinct statements both to answer the question and to stimulate curiosity. This can vary from the Muslim who asks whether we believe in a God, to which I answer, “It is not required,” to the former Baptist who asks who Buddha is, to which I answer, “A man who achieved enlightenment and taught the rest of us how to achieve it.”

There is a serious responsibility to answer such questions with the best answer that I can give, which serves to motivate me toward study. I had hoped to be able to enroll in more classes from Dharmakirti College by now, but constraints on time and money prevent it for the time being. Instead, I am pulling out my notebook and textbooks from the course I already took from them to review that material. Additionally, I am creating flash cards, both computer and physical, to memorize the “enumerations” such as “six trainings” and “five Buddha families.” Additionally, I shall review notes from all the teachings that I have attended and review or even reread the basic books that I have read over the years., sort of my own course.

Things have evolved with our Dharma Center such that we can no longer meet in the private home where we had been holding our twice-weekly classes and group practices. We have found a public venue for one day, but I am continuing the search for at least one other venue to try to keep up the level of practice that the group had previously. Toward this end, I believe that my being a monk facilitates the process, although any site found will still be referred to the “Katsel Meditation Tampa” board for confirmation.

Although I am well aware that I am not a qualified teacher for much of anything, I plan to talk with my Lama when I see him in Boston about whether I might be able to teach the most basic of things when needed. I am certain that even with such fundamental subjects there is always more to learn, but I may be able to do some good with regard to helping beginners. Nevertheless, this is but one of the many things that I know that I need to talk over with my Lama face to face.

Just as my name ever reminds me that our goal is enlightenment, Buddhahood, which I have not yet achieved, I also remember that that is not for myself alone, but for the benefit of all sentient beings. Likewise, my ordination is not for myself alone, but for the benefit of all sentient beings. This is still only the beginning of that to which I have committed the rest of my life. I still have to continue the process of cleaning out this little house, getting rid of all the stuff packed into it that no longer serves a purpose with regard to my monastic life. The challenge in that process is not only to get rid of it but also to find some way for it to benefit others.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 80 - On the Road Again

During the time of my recovery from radiation therapy for prostate cancer, I had trouble develop in my little pickup truck. I broke one of my rules for taking care of a vehicle properly, letting the gas tank get below ¼ tank. As a result the fuel filter got clogged up. However, I did not find out about it until I returned from my trip to Boston last year. Before I left, it had merely “sputtered” when starting at a stoplight. When I got back, it would crank but not stay running. Since my experience suggested that this would be a clogged fuel filter, I bought a fuel as well as air filters.

However, by this time a new aftereffect of the radiation therapy had developed, rectal bleeding. This began to seriously impair my ability to do lots of things. Often I would have to sprint to the bathroom, not always successfully, trying to avoid a “bowel accident.” This symptom persisted even after cauterizing, what I called “arc welding,” had stopped all the lesions from bleeding. Furthermore, it took some time for strength and stamina to start improving. Nevertheless, working a little along, I began replacing filters and changing spark plugs and even tracing fuel lines to find the fuel filter. Aggravatingly the fuel filter was nowhere near the locations for it that were shown in repair manuals or suggested by friends.

Ultimately, lacking sufficient manual strength and dexterity, I had to ask for help. In the course of my recovery, it has been important that I regain the ability to do the things that I am accustomed to doing. While it is always hard to ask for help, this aspect of recovery of one's health makes it just that much more difficult. Nevertheless, having asked, I received help from the friend of a friend. The fuel filter was changed, the distributor cap and rotor was replaced, and a new battery was installed. The little “monk-mobile” is running beautifully. Moreover, several people gained the merit that comes from helping a monk and we were able to help a young man having difficulty in this bad economic times.

I still have a couple of simple tasks to do myself, cleaning the windows and windshield and changing the oil. I'll also need to get things out of the interior of the truck that really don't belong there and start putting my tools back into the truck box. Furthermore, I think I may need to put a locking gas cap on it, because I seem to have had some fuel siphoned from it during this long period that it sat without moving.

Even in so mundane a thing as vehicle repair, we are not doing it for ourselves alone, but for the benefit of others also. In this instance, it helped the young man who did the work, accrued merit to those who made it happen, and shall further benefit those whom I may now better serve.