Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 84 - Karma and Compost

This was originally written when I experienced such phenomenal positive and emotionally charged events for which I felt unworthy. Now, facing the potential of the return of the cancer that I had thought we had successfully treated, I see from another point of view the applicability of these ideas as well as new aspects regarding them. Therefore, I reiterate and expand on them. I have had occasion to reflect on how fortunate I have been in this lifetime. At some times I might not have thought so, but I have a different perspective now, a particularly Buddhist one.

Over my whole lifetime, even in infancy, I have been on the verge of dying although I often regarded myself as a hail and hardy fellow. To the Western mind so many close brushes with death and the consequent medical procedures and sometimes rigorous therapies and protracted recoveries are inexplicable. Or else they may be regarded as curses of fate or of some deity. However, for me as a Buddhist it is simply a matter of cause and effect, Karmic causality. In some previous lifetime, perhaps even several, I have done things for which these things are the natural result. These Karmic seeds may have followed across centuries, but they definitely took root in this rebirth.

Furthermore, the conventional thinking I was taught in our Western culture and even that in some Eastern cultures would regard all these “travails” as “ curses,” “bad luck,” or some such undesirable circumstance. For me, however, they are the most fortunate of circumstances, because they “burn up” all of that “negative karma” rather than having it continue to follow me through still more rebirths.

On the other hand, I can also see the positive Karmic seeds that have also come to fruition in this lifetime. I have a “precious human life” with all of the Eight Freedoms and Ten Endowments. I was not born in the Hell realms, as a hungry ghost, as an animal, in a place where teachings are unavailable, as a long-life god (always content and therefore with no motivation for progress), with wrong view (no understanding of karma, and no understanding of past and future lives), where no Buddha has appeared, or lacking the capacity to learn anything. I was born as a human being, where there are teachings, possessing five senses, not having committed heavy negative karmas, able to have confidence in and devotion to the Triple Gem, where a Buddha has appeared, where a Buddha has taught, where the Dharma teachings flourish, where there are followers who enter the pure path of Dharma, and where there is support from the kindness of others, including the spiritual master. Furthermore, I found those teachings and a Lama that I could trust.

When I was sitting in the room with the relic collection of the Maitreya Project Heart Shrine Relic Tour in Gainesville, Florida, I had to reflect that I was fortunate enough to have been with the relics twice already in my present lifetime and, on both of those occasions, I was there as a volunteer for the whole weekend. Furthermore, at that point I merely had the aspiration to attend once more as a volunteer over another weekend. That aspiration was actually fulfilled.

As if these were not enough good things to come together in my present lifetime, I was sitting there not only in the presence of such precious relics, a physical manifestation of the great compassion, loving kindness, and other spiritual qualities of Shakyamuni Buddha and these other Buddhist masters, but also as a beginning monk given the immense, incalculable, wondrous responsibility of giving blessings with the very relics of Shakyamuni Buddha. Sometimes my eyes filled with tears and other times it felt as though my heart might burst because of the powerful emotion I felt as well as the enormous energies perceptible in the room and from the relic stupa.

I commented to several people that weekend, and since then, that it is as though all those negative and positive karmic seeds came together in this particular lifetime and landed in compost. They have all born fruit abundantly!! So much negative karma has been burned away and continues to be burned away! Even at this late date in this lifetime, I have not only found the Dharma, but I have been able to devote myself to it and to its service as a monk! I have found a Lama who can guide my spiritual life with enough patience to put up with me and not give up on me! I have had the good fortune to meet not just one but two mahasiddhas in this one lifetime already!

Over the course of the cancer diagnosis, cancer treatment, and the recovery from the treatment, it has been amazing how far a tiny bit of the Dharma has carried me. In spite of the persistence of some of my bad habits, with the guidance and patience of my Lama, I actually am making a little progress, enough that I can perceive the change in me. On the other hand, I remain aware that I am still just a baby Buddhist and a baby monk and the least Drikungpa of all. Nevertheless, there are ways that I can be of service to others and to the Dharma. Nothing I have ever done is totally wasted. Either I have learned skills which find application now to such service or my misdeeds give me understanding and compassion for others. Everything that I do now needs to done with a view to benefiting all sentient beings. That is where its true worth lies. I am most thankful that some little bit of what I do stands up to that test.

I recently learned of the three fierce mantras of Tsangpa Gyaré:

1. “Whatever has to happen, let it happen!”

2. “Whatever the situation is, it’s fine!”

3. “I don’t need anything whatsoever (but the Dharma)!”

According to Rigpa Wiki:

“Tsangpa Gyaré is one of the founders of the Drukpa Kagyü school of Tibetan Buddhism. He established the monasteries of Longdol, Ralung (the principal seat of the Drukpa Kagyü) and Namdruk (after which the lineage was later named). He also opened the sacred place of Tsari.” As a Kagyu lineage it is related to our Drikung Kagyu lineage. However, it is more significant for me that it applies so well to the present circumstances as it does to almost any unexpected and unwanted situation. That definitely describes having a high PSA reading and having to go through more tests for a definitive diagnosis.

I was commenting to a friend that it seems that I shall not have the opportunity to carry much negative Karma forward into future rebirths. So much is getting purified with such intensity and force in the present lifetime. While the process may not be pleasant, the spiritual result seems desirable. Isn't this clearing away significant obstacles to my eventual enlightenment and my benefit for all sentient beings? In fact, isn't that benefit to myself and others a more immediate outcome, beginning even as I go through the process?

The disease, the diagnostic tests, the treatment and the recovery are all worthwhile if we all get a little closer to enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. Maybe a little more Dharma in my life than before will make the whole thing not only more tolerable, but even much easier to handle.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 83 - The Journey Continues

I had thought that this "Journey Th r ough Cancer" was finished. I was set to turn the blog into a book and had even set myself on a daily work schedule for the editing. However, it seems that the Karma bearing that fruit is not completely finished.

I saw the Radiation Oncologist today for what I thought was a routine follow-up visit, but routine it was not. I already knew that one PSA reading was 2.6 rather than less than 1, as we would hope. However this was not all of the bad news. Another PSA test less than a month after that one gave a reading of 4.3, heading farther in the wrong direction rather quickly.

Initially, the radiation oncologist has ordered a CT scan of the pelvic region and a bone scan. We also discussed the possible need for another biopsy. I told him that I expected and accepted that and, although I would not look forward to the biopsy itself, I would look forward to its results for us to know what is happening. At that point, if the cancer is back, we can work out the treatment plan and work on recovery.

Right now is the hardest time, the time of waiting. I have been in the same circumstance multiple times during the whole course of this journey. It may be time to burn off more negative Karma. Whatever it is, it is my Karma. Just as it always is for everyone, we can choose how we go through what faces us in each day. Whatever I face in this, I must remember, as I have before, to find ways that it may benefit other beings.

I have already started on my “alternative therapy” efforts that I used before my more conventional treatments began. I have bought watercress, because researchers have found that a metabolite from it retards the development of blood vessels in tumors. I have also started on my “medicinal noodles” with their reishi and miso broth, broccoli, and shitake mushrooms. Also lemongrass tea, so pleasant to drink, will be my basic and most frequent beverage.

As far as spiritual preparations are concerned, I must remember, as I have told others, “I exist to serve.”

Which means that I must continue to seek opportunities to be of service to all sentient beings. In the coming month we are going to have a visit from Khenpo Choepel giving teachings and empowerments in this area for about three weeks. I need to strive to be available to assist in any way that I can. While I need to learn from the particular teachings, I also need to continue learning from him, as from an older brother, how to be a good monk.

Whether this new phase of this journey is just a series of tests and procedures through which we find that there is no cancer to be treated or it is another course of treatment with its side effects and its recovery, there are challenges to be faced and lessons to be learned. It is through just such challenges and lessons that what I do may benefit others if only I continue to apply the tiny bit of Dharma that I have in my life. Perhaps I can even come to have a little more of it to apply and to share for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Starting a Job

Tomorrow, I shall be starting a job. It is not actually a new one but rather one that I already have but have not been working on as I should. Already I have written my blog, “Journey Through Cancer,” but I need to edit it into a book as my Lama and many friends have encouraged. However, I have not applied myself to that task.

Starting tomorrow, every weekday I shall devote three or four hours to the editing just as though I had been hired for a writing job. Most days I intend to devote the hours from the time that I finish breakfast until I need to stop for lunch. Of course, this will not be inflexible. For example, on days like tomorrow, when I have tasks that must be done in the morning, I shall compensate by using other hours of the day, still trying to complete the designated three or four hours of work.

I have read or heard from successful authors that they have to be as faithful to scheduled work hours as if they had to go out to work even if they work at home. Since the book, just like the blog, is intended to be for the benefit of all sentient beings, it is well worth my effort and diligence. Up to now my only actions directed toward the creation of the book have been to print out two copies of all the blogs and putting them in a ring binder and sending one of those copies to my very best friend from childhood for his comments and suggestions. The other copy awaits me.

I have no idea how long this will take for me to produce a manuscript to send to a publisher. Neither do I know how to find a publisher who would publish my book, but that doesn't matter until I have something to present. That process starts tomorrow and will last until the job is done.