Thursday, February 24, 2011

A Perspective on Compassion

I know that I have in the past had a tendency toward being a “lead foot” driver. Therefore, long ago I set for myself the firm rule that I would not drive more more than 5 miles over the posted speed limit. Since this means that I am slower than many cars on the road, I have to monitor my speedometer closely lest I inadvertently match speed with those driving faster than I intend to drive. That also means that I am often very aware of just how fast others are driving. Also being aware of my own inclination to drive faster, I'm slow to judge the speeding of other drivers. Nevertheless, as I see the growing number of drivers driving significantly faster than I drive, I have had to question their motivation.

This struck me particularly strongly tonight as I drove to Dharma teachings. A few drivers stood out not only because of their speed but also because of their particularly dangerous maneuvers as they drove. The first was a young man on a motorcycle, the kind that is sometimes called a “crotch rocket,” who passed me so fast that, based on my 74 mph reading on my speedometer, he had to be going faster than 100 mph, perhaps even as much as 110 or 120 mph. Not only was he traveling at such a high speed, but he was also weaving in and out of traffic. Another driver who was in an SUV was driving at an estimated 90 mph or more, but also used an exit ramp to pass other traffic just before the ramp completely split from the highway. Yet another SUV driver took the exit at significantly more than the 65 mph I was doing as I first left the highway, but also passed a couple of vehicles on the ramp before it split in two directions, the last time, so close to the other car that they braked abruptly. It would be hard to estimate that vehicle's speed before I lost sight of it, but I doubt it was close to the 35 mph posted at that point.

Each of these times I thought, “What could make someone drive like that?”

I spent some time speculating on what their reasons might be. Sadly, I could not come up with any rational, reasonable and healthy reason they might have. Every way I pursue the question of motivation I keep coming back to one or more of the following: an inflated sense of I-ness, or Ego ( Asmita ), Grasping or Attachment ( Raga ), Aversion or Dislike ( Dvesha ), and Fear ( abhinivesha), of course leading back to the Ignorance, or Absence of Correct Understanding ( Avidya) from which the se spring. Of course, this is no surprise, because most of what we do can be traced to these mental poisons. However, in cases like these drivers, it would seem that these are at an almost pathological extreme although I cannot seem to see much evidence of Fear ( abhinivesha) , considering the life-threatening character of such driving.

I found myself very uncomfortable with this line of thought which I first attributed to my own familiarity with these mental poisons in my own life. However, I also thought about His Holiness Chetsang Rinpoche's teaching on what compassion feels like. He said it is the feeling that one has when, upon seeing a leper, one finds it very hard to continue to look on the leper because it is painful to see someone in that state. In much the same manner, it is also painful to see in someone's behavior evidence of such a mentally, emotionally or spiritually diseased state. Quite naturally one does not become angry at sick people because of the symptoms of their disease. Rather one would want them to find their way to health or at least to less suffering.

That is another clear understanding that I reached. Such people are suffering at a profound level and to an extreme extent. Isn't their extreme behavior evidence of just how advanced their disease is and how great there suffering must be ?

Of course, I am not saying that such drivers are not responsible for their actions or for the harm that they may cause. However, my aspiration now becomes that they find the “cure for what ails them” before they do great harm to themselves or others. Toward that end, perhaps I can at least chant a few mantras for their enlightenment, because they are some of the “sentient beings” for whom I dedicate practice.


Monday, February 7, 2011

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 85 – Waiting and Preparing

Once again a battery of tests are required to determine precisely where the cancer is and how advanced it is. The starting point, merely due to appointment availability, is a bone scan. A small amount of a radioactive tracer is injected and then the scanner is used to look for places where it is concentrated which would be in areas of greater cell activity. There is about a two hour waiting period from the injection to the scan. Of course, that is in keeping with the nature of this phase of this process, waiting.

Besides going through the various tests that are required such as the bone scan, a CT scan of the pelvic region, a cystoscopy to look at my bladder, and probably another biopsy of the prostate, I am using this time to make certain preparations. I am even implementing some alternative therapies not only to prepare my body for any course of treatment we later choose but also to start to combat the cancer itself or at least impede its development.

I have started to prepare my medicinal chai every morning which will mask the taste of the herbs like pau d'arco as well as some that will support bladder health. I have already begun eating my “medicinal noodles” with the reishi mushroom and miso broth, shitake mushrooms, and broccoli. I have also begun drinking protein shakes to boost my intake of protein to help my body do its work. I probably will resume the aromatherapy that was recommended to me before my first round of cancer treatment.

Another area of preparation and treatment is actually the spiritual approach. I already needed to become more consistent in my daily Medicine Buddha practice. Furthermore, I was taught an inner yoga, a healing yoga, called the “one cure for a hundred diseases.” I need to start it on a regular basis and try to refine and advance in that practice. I also need to get more faithful in my studying if I am to be of maximum benefit to all sentient beings. Some of these things are needed whether there is cancer or not. However, on account of the cancer, I think I may start spending more time in mantra recitation during my Medicine Buddha practice. I also think I should maintain a list of those for whom I am particularly dedicating the practice. That would help me to more effectively focus my intention.

I am also most fortunate that I was given some "black stone Karmapa relics" when I was at Winter Retreat. I placed one in a jug of drinking water to bless it. From now until I am cancer-free, I shall try to only drink the blessed water, even making my tea and coffee with it.

About these relics I found the following information: "The re is yet another type of relic: The small sacred black stone relics from the shores of Lake Namtso- - a lake extremely sacred to the Karmapas. It is the largest salt water lake in Tibet, about a day and a half drive by jeep from Tsurphu.

"According to history, the Third Karmapa, Rangjung Dorje, visited Lake Namtso. The historical legend tells that he flew there by using his miraculous powers. As he stood near the lake, he threw a handful of black pills into the lake and requested the protectors of the Lake, Dorje Gurdak (a wrathful emanation of Guru Rinpoche) and other various Naga gods and demi-gods, to ever increase these black pills in number as a source of faith and for the benefit of beings in the future.

"About four centuries later, the Fourteenth Karmapa, Thekchok Dorje, came to the lake and requested Dorje Gurdak and another protector, Nyen Chenpo Thang-La, to be guardians of these sacred stone relics after throwing a handful of black pills into the lake. Still to this day they continue to appear around the shores of this lake and they are regarded as very auspicious relics, especially for filling statues."

(from Karmapa: His Holiness the 17th Gyalwa Karmapa, Urgyen Trinley Dorje by Ken Holmes, 1995.)

Probably the chief difficulty for me now is coping with the long interval between tests and the consequent delay in getting a definitive diagnosis and formulating a treatment plan. While the last PSA value is outside the normal range and the two successive readings almost doubled from the previous value, there still might be a possibility that this might not mean a return of the cancer with metastases. However I think that optimistic view is not likely since these PSA results were accompanied by bladder symptoms.

Nevertheless, the doctor in the Urology-Oncology clinic has suggested that the high PSA might be the result of prostatitis, an infection of the prostate gland, rather than a return of cancer. To help make that determination he has ordered a culture as part of another urinalysis. He has also ordered a particular antibiotic which he will phone me, telling me whether or not to take it. He did inform me, incidentally, that the bone scan did not show anything except an area of advancing osteoarthritis. Therefore, I still have more waiting with few answers.

At this stage I am getting lots of advice, suggestions for a variety of alternative therapies. At first I was inclined to try every one, but I think it may be better to stick with the ones I have used, adding only the water blessed by the black stone relics as well as the "one cure for a hundred diseases" inner yoga practice. These are the things in which I have the greatest confidence. Furthermore, they also advance my Tibetan Buddhist practice. This is not just a matter of my physical health, but, more importantly, a matter of the working out of my Karma and the application of my Dharma lessons to it.

Like everyone else who has had cancer, I am faced with the prospect of its return. Furthermore, at any time it may not only return in the prostate where it originally developed, but also it may occur anywhere else in the body. On the other hand, another disease process may be mistaken for the return of cancer. Balancing on this edge, not knowing what is actually happening in my body is difficult, but I cannot deal with what may be, only with what is. If I foolishly maintain an unfounded positive expectation, I set myself up for disappointment. On the other hand, if I equally foolishly maintain an equally unfounded negative expectation, I just promote depression.

As a Buddhist, the only acceptable view is one with no expectations, but prepared to deal with whatever comes when it comes. Indeed, it is only in the present that I may act and only within the actual circumstances that exist in the present moment. However, it is in just that way that I have total control over my own Karma, not only by handling the fruit of my past Karma in a way that benefits myself and others, but also by acting in a way that gives rise to positive Karma rather than negative. This is precisely what Dharma teachings mean by "the accumulation of merit," one of the two accumulations required for Buddhahood.