Perceptions and Misperceptions

I have begun the process of turning my blog into a book. The start of the work is reading all the entries aloud. This is not such an easy thing for someone who has always been terrified of public speaking. However, reading all the separate entries continuously as a single document is very revealing. First, repetition stands out. Weeks might have elapsed between the writing of two successive entries, but reading them one after the is quite different. Second, issues which were of major importance to me which remain unresolved stand out clearly. After my nightmare of a marriage, I went directly from the U.S. Navy to a Russian Orthodox Monastery, not for a high spiritual purpose, but rather to avoid women and the risk of being hurt again. Once my spiritual journey brought me out of that kind of isolation, I informally and even formally renounced those monastic vows and sort of settled into my niche in the local Pagan community. I explored my Native American roots, investigated various Pagan paths and gradually found my way to Buddhism toward which I was clearly already being drawn. During this period I quite reasonably expected to return to dating. I even wrote about a second adolescence. I was puzzled, even troubled when nothing like that developed. I found myself bogged down in the same old insecurities of adolescence all over again. However, this time I do understand the difference between perceptions and reality as well as the differences between different people's perceptions. My sister and I found out recently that someone who has known us for years thought that we were a married couple. Interestingly this misperception may be held by the circle of friends and acquaintances that we share with that friend. That could create the situation where I as a single man would talking to a single lady, but she would perceive a philandering husband. Not a favorable circumstance. When I think about my friends and acquaintances at All World Acres, few of them would not know that I am single and that I had renounced the Orthodox Christian monastic vows. I know that I am very bad at reading women's subtle hints, but I catch on when hit over the head. One night several of us were walking back to someone's campsite. I was walking between two ladies with my arm around the shoulder of the one to my left and started to put my arm around the shoulder of the lady to my right. Suddenly she shouted, “Don't touch me!! Don't ever touch me!!” That shocked us all. I, admittedly, overreacted at first in that I didn't put my arm around any woman's shoulder for a while and even now not often. Although I have many good friends from All World Acres, no romantic or sexual relationship has developed. However there was at least one opportunity that I let pass and another that may or may not have been an opportunity. In the one an inebriated lady and I were talking with a newcomer to AWA. I had already been edged out of the conversation when he announced to her that he was a happily married man and faithful to his wife. She then turned her attention to me. I had already decided to leave after I was out of the conversation and I went ahead and left. After I developed prostate cancer, a lady told me that it was from lack of sex. I was tempted to ask whether that was an offer just a general observation, but I let it pass. I have to thank All World Acres and their Body Magic event as well as the Moksha Magic ritual for helping me get over issues with my body. Growing up and even in my early twenties when I was the most physically fit in my life, I would rarely go without a shirt or wear shorts or swimming trunks. At these events I was able to get to the point that I was completely comfortable naked in front of strangers. However one aspect of these events was a source of emotional pain. It seemed that everyone was paired up as couples or other configurations of relationships and I wasn't. These kinds of things led me back to the kind of questioning I would get into with regard to relationships. “What is wrong with me?” “Am I that unattractive to look at?” But no answers. I have always been shy, painfully shy. I worked on that to the extent that I can with difficulty talk to strangers and even speak before a group. In fact, I am good enough at this that, although my stomach will be in knots, no one can tell. When I was growing up, I had a cousin who was chased by girls. I wanted to emulate him, especially in one aspect. He always treated women so well that when he broke up with a girlfriend she still adored him. In my entire lifetime, I have had one girlfriend and a marriage, neither of which was a good relationship. I have no idea how others perceive me, but the misperception by that one friend makes me want to know. Perhaps if I know about some of these perceptions, I may better understand how some things developed as they did. I would like to ask any of you who have known me during these years to email me or private message me, telling me your perceptions or those of others of which you were aware. My email is the.john.missing@gmail.com