Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 5

The power of attachment to "stuff" is something that I have underestimated in myself. As with all kinds of nonvirtue, it is easier to see it in others than in oneself. I could see how many people defined themselves and measured their self worth by the kind of car or truck they drove, the house and neighborhood in which they lived, the kind of possessions that they accumulate. Men often take pride in the quality and quantity of tools that they own. Women often take similar pride in the quality and quantity of their home furnishings. This can also be seen in people's adherence to "fashion" in their clothing. What is less obvious is that when one has little, one may be just as attached to the little that one has. Furthermore, one may be just as prideful about the antifashion styles that one wears as another would be of wearing the latest high fashion styles.
When I started "liquidating my own estate," it was easy to find things to sell. There were enough things whose uselessness for me were clear, things to which I had no attachment, things that I had kept long after I had ceased to have any reason for them.Of course, from the very start I found things that had little or no financial value. The difficulty came when there were things which had not only "sentimental value" but also financial value. Among them have been an out of print book with a personalized inscription and the only hand painted icon that I've owned. It helped me very much that Venerable Khenpo Tsultrim told us about a great Buddhist "saint" whose only sacred image in his cave retreat was a charcoal drawing that he had made of Shakyamuni Buddha. Even now, although I still plan to "improve" my shrine by making it a "proper" three-tiered construction, I am no longer so attached to it being "perfect." I can refocus on its value being solely in the spiritual help that it provides.
I still need to keep going through my "stuff" dividing it into the following categories: (1) "stuff" of which I have no need but has monetary value, (2) "stuff" that I still need for some practical or spiritual purpose, (3) "stuff" that I don't need but has little or no monetary value, and (4) "stuff" which I'd really be better off without. For the things in the first and fourth categories I'll have to figure out the best way to dispose of them. The things in the third category I'll find some way to give to someone. However, the "stuff" in the second category I'll have to keep evaluating for its continued usefulness and check myself constantly for attachment. The best example of the need for that can be found in my relation to tools. I have long been proud of trying to maintain the best quality tools in the best condition, but the level of pride has been problematic. I really became aware of this when the rechargeable batteries for my drill started to fail. I can no longer afford the cost of replacing them. Instead, to meet my needs I just bought the cheapest "Made in China" drill that I could find.
Buying the drill is not the problem but rather the way that I felt about buying it. I really felt rotten that I couldn't buy the quality of tools that I usually insist upon buying. What about me is so invested in the kind of tools that I own? It certainly is not the practical consideration about the usefulness or even the longevity of the tool, but rather something of my ego that is involved. And I thought I didn't have attachments to very much, but I find that I can be just as troubled with them as anybody. I can even turn the utilitarian character of my truck and my mode of dress and even my poor house into a point of pride and the source of aversion toward others who do not live so "simply."
Of course, this does not mean that I should give up simple living and join the mainstream of consumerism, but rather that I should have compassion and not aversion for those caught in the traps that I am trying to avoid. The measure of the value of everything that I do needs to be its spiritual value. How does it benefit everyone for enlightement? How can it reduce suffering in myself and others?
I have to keep working on both the spiritual and the practical aspect of this journey. However, I cannot afford to lose sight of the importance of those spiritual aspects, because they have the most lasting importance. They are the steps on the path to enlightenment for myself and all sentient beings.

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Journey Through Cancer Chapter 4 - Birthday

A birthday is an occasion that naturally lends itself to reflections on ones life. How have I spent my years up to this point? How many years lie ahead of me? What have I accomplished with the time that I've had? What do I yet hope to accomplish? Adding to this tendency toward self reflection, this weekend I was dividing my time between a pagan festival and activities of my local Dharma Center, only getting to the Sweat Lodge Ceremony on Friday night and the teaching on the Songs of Milarepa on Sunday afternoon.
In Sweat Lodge Ceremonies I have been prone to experience visions. Of course the nature of such visions is that one really never knows whether they are really communications from some spiritual source outside oneself or rather originate within oneself or even come from something like Jung's "collective unconscious." In any case, they can supply information of value because this information may not be accessible through more ordinary means. Since I tend fire at some of these, I often only go into the lodge for the fourth round after I have delivered the last stones. On this occasion I had help in tending the fire and went in during the third round. At this particular lodge, the third round is the "round of the ancestors" and connected with Grizzly Bear, my chief totem animal, and related to the balance of introversion and action. Among the prayers that I prayed was a traditional Tibetan Buddhist prayer about acceptance:
"I rely on you, buddhas and bodhisattvas, until I achieve enlightenment. Please grant me enough wisdom and courage to be free from delusion.
If I am supposed to get sick, let me get sick, and I'll be happy. May this sickness purify my negative karma and the sickness of all sentient beings.
If I am supposed to be healed, let all my sickness and confusion be healed, and I'll be happy. May all sentient beings be healed and filled with happiness.
If I am supposed to die, let me die and I'll be happy. May all the delusion and the causes of suffering of beings die...." However, when I came to the words, "If I am supposed to die, let me die," I heard the voice of my grandmother say, "but not just now." With this I felt great comfort that my present illness, while it may demand much of me, is not to be an illness unto death or at least not too soon. Nevertheless, I cannot afford to take that for granted.
The fourth round in this particular lodge was devoted to a guided meditation during which, this time, we met with our totem animal for guidance. Sister Bear and I discussed my present illness and my response to it. She said it was particularly important for me to keep up this blog. None of us are especially unique in our life experience and one of the benefits we may share with others as we go through difficulties is to help them see that they are not alone in theirs. Furthermore, we may share with them the spiritual resources that help us and may help them as well.
Saturday, I spent working on my broken truck which involves some broken wires including in the battery cables. This kept me from attending the Milarepa Empowerment sponsored by our Dharma Center. That night when I thought I had finished, it turned out that there were still problems in the wiring which kept me from going back out to All World Acres for the drumming. However, on Sunday I went with my sister to the event of the Dharma Center, a teaching by Venerable Khenpo Tsultrim on the Songs of Milarepa. I am really glad that I was able to be there, because Milarepa is an inspiration especially for those of us who may not have spent the earlier part of our lives in fruitful spiritual practice or even may have done great evil. Milarepa did great evil in his early life, but turned to the Dharma and attained Enlightenment in the same lifetime.
At a time of self reflection another area one may naturally contemplate is one's history of romantic relationships. In my case that history is nil. I have had what I thought at the time were romantic relationships, but were actually something else entirely. First of all, throughout high school I hardly dated at all much less develop any kind of teenage romance. In college the first time, as a budding alcoholic I fell into dating the daughter of an alcoholic which was hardly a romance but rather two sick people supporting each other's sickness. Furthermore, although this was the era of "free love" we hardly got into heavy petting. Through my first hitch in the Navy, I hardly dated at all, but soon started the practice of turning to prostitutes for sex. Returning to college from the Navy, I dated even less although I found myself very comfortably in the company of women as I had at various times before. Often they were so comfortable and "safe" with me that they would reveal the most intimate of secrets, never considering how much inner conflict this might entail for me.
Not long after college, I did marry, but this had nothing to do with romance or even "good sex." I filled the requirements for her to get her son out of foster care. I also provided some degree of financial security. Although this was a nightmare of a marriage with her drinking and drugging and nearly psychotic behavior, karmicly it was for the good, because I protected her son from her violence. During my second enlistment in the Navy we divorced. after which I only dated a few times and had a sexual relationship once before I was discharged from the Navy and entered a Russian Orthodox Monastery. From then until now, notwithstanding both an informal renunciation of the monastic vows and a ritualized renunciation of them, in the years since I quit being a monk I have not actually dated nor have I had a sexual relationship not even a single romantic kiss. We're not talking just about a sex life, but about the potential of a real love life!
Reflecting on this sordid history, especially the time after rejecting the constraints of Orthodox Christian monasticism, I have to come to certain conclusions. It is my Karma, for whatever reasons from my present life and my past lives that I am not seen by any woman as being a potential romantic partner or sexual partner. Since we are in the 21st Century and no longer operating within the limitations of the 1960s, if a woman really were interested, she would make herself known. Indeed one lady who found my MySpace profile interesting did contact me, making her interest known to me although, in spite of our common interests and shared points of view, nothing ultimately came of it.
At this late date in my life, facing this constant reminder of my mortality, I shall give no more energy of any sort to even the possibility of romance, sex, or any such thing. I shall strive instead to accept that the remainder of my life is to be at least as solitary as it has been so far. No wife, no girl friend, no lover, no partner of any kind. I am instead to be permanently celibate as a Tibetan Buddhist monk. While this is a firmly and well considered decision, its implementation will require mental, emotional and spiritual work for its fulfillment. I am, after all, a thoroughly heterosexual man with a healthy libido, but that has only been a source of pain and suffering rather than joy. This is finally the acceptance of my Karma. No amount of effort and energy on my part can actually make it otherwise. This I can finally see.
Actually, I won't be totally alone. I still have friends. I still have my Vajra brothers and sisters. I will have the monastic brothers of my Sangha.

Journey Through Cancer Chapter 3

Sometimes we can have all the tools we need and even know how to use them, yet when the need arises we fail to use them. A few days ago I let the stress of my present circumstances overwhelm me. Instead of turning to meditation or mantra recitations, I wound up with angina pains for the first time in a very long while. Fortunately, I did eventually begin meditating, watching my breathing, and the pain went away. However, with right view and maintaining the practice I was supposed to be keeping, this was totally preventable.
Today, October 9th, I had my first appointment at Radiation Oncology with Dr. Zachariah and his nurse, Joyce. We discussed the plan for my treatment which will begin sooner than previously expected. It seems that current research indicates no benefit from hormone therapy for patients receiving beam radiation treatments. On the other hand, it could have produced unnecessary side effects, even exacerbating coronary artery disease which I have to an as yet mild degree. Just incidentally, now I don't have to face the development of "man boobs" and I get a reprieve from E. D. ("erectile dysfunction"). Of course the doctor and I did discuss the reality that 35% or more of the men that get radiation therapy eventually have E. D. from the radiation itself.
The radiation alone has a daunting set of its own side effects. These start with the relatively minor sensitivity or irritation of the skin through which the beam passes. From there we move through a series of consequences to the bladder, urethra, and rectum which range from minor to very serious. Already having urinary symptoms, I can expect them to get at least a little worse, but hopefully well within the range that other meds can give effective relief. Of course, any discussion of side effects has to be weighed against the results of the cancer spreading to other organs and tissues. While I'm not particularly worried about dying, I'd really rather not have to deal with cancer loose in the rest of my body.
My scheduling takes into account my commitments at Florida Pagan Gathering. I get to do my own workshop and my workshop jointly with my sister as well as fire-tending for Grey Ghosthawk and being "tech support" for my sister's workshop. My next Radiation Oncology appointment after FPG will be for a CT scan called "3-D Simulation" whose purpose is to figure out the shape, size and position of my prostate that we are targeting and the locations of other structures that we don't want to expose to these levels of radiation. Unfortunately, my severe allergy to the "contrast medium" may make this a little less precise, because these things won't stand out as clearly in the CT images. Although I had expected that they would premedicate me against the allergic reaction for this test, Dr. Zachariah considers the risk of my stopping breathing unacceptable. ;-) I kind of agree with him because I have a few more things to do in this lifetime like attaining Buddhahood for the benefit of all sentient beings.
From this test they will calculate the precise positions of the beams to maximize the exposure of the cancer and minimize the exposure of adjoining tissues and structures. Since, at this stage, we assume that the cancer is confined to the prostate, we will blast the h--- out of it and try not to damage my bladder, urethra and rectum. At my age and being single, it would be no great loss if my supply of sperm suffered annihilation, but they try to protect them too. :-)
On December 2nd, I go in for my first treatment session of around 42. Thereafter, Monday through Friday, except for Federal Holidays, I go in every day until all those have been completed. Interestingly, after all the years that VA doctors have been urging me to lose weight, I have been instructed neither to lose nor to gain weight once the treatments have begun until they are all finished. If my weight should change, the targeting of the radiation beam could be incorrect. That could result in too little radiation on the cancer and too much on healthy tissues.
From this point onward, my personal efforts need to be two-fold, maintaining my spiritual practices and promoting the health of healthy tissues and organs. For both these programs I have the help of friends and family. My vajra brothers and sisters provide encouragement and support in my practice of the Dharma. My sister is trying to keep my diet oriented toward the needs of my healthy organs and tissues. While this is not likely to be an easy process, I have all the resources that I need for this journey, whether it is someone to drive when I'm not up to it or a place to spend the night when fatigue makes going all the way home between treatments more than I care to do.