Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 72 – An Addendum

Tuesday I did manage to do my “ Auspicious Smoke Ceremony,” but I was not able to burn all the “ Dharma trash.” Only burning about a quarter or a third of it, I still had to babysit the fire for more than two hours. On top of that, some of the damaged icons need to cut into sections to fit into the chiminea and the fabric items proved to be very bulky. I'll have to take advantage of every fire puja day that comes along to finish off the remaining “Dharma trash.”

As far as the essence of the ceremony was concerned, this was very rewarding. It affords such a valuable opportunity to mend broken samayas. No matter how strong our intentions may be, it is so easy to fall short of them. This is one reason I am especially fond of doing the “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony,” both for myself and others. Of course it doesn't hurt that it involves fire to which I have felt a great connection, even to the extent that I have become fire tender for sweat lodge ceremonies. I haven't been able to fulfill those duties for some time now due to the aftereffects of the radiation therapy, but I hope to able to get back to it in a few more weeks.

The important thing for me to realize is that, although my recovery is not complete, it has progressed to the point that I am again able to be of benefit to myself and others.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 72 – Bloody F@*ts and Other Indignities

A vegetarian diet means depending on beans for a protein source at times, resulting in a certain amount of trouble from flatulence. This usually is just a matter of embarrassment in polite circles, but, with the radiation colitis which has resulted from my radiation treatments, sometimes blood accompanies the gas. A few days ago, while having supper at my sister's house, I f@*ted, but it felt a little “odd” and sent me running to the bathroom. I had bled through my undershorts and trousers. I had to send my sister to get my “just in case bag” out of the van in order to have a change of clothes. I then put the bloody garments in a bucket with hydrogen peroxide to keep the blood from setting until I could launder them the next day.

Of course this is neither the first time I have had such a “bloody f@*t” nor the only circumstance under which it has happened. I have been fortunate that the previous occurrences had been at home rather than outside it or at least happened after I had gotten to the restroom. However, it was inevitable that there would be the kind of occasions for which I created this particular “just in case bag.”

I had hoped that, with the first anniversary of the end of my radiation treatments just around the corner, the bleeding would have stopped completely by now. Nevertheless, in another week I am scheduled for another “arc welding” session to cauterize the remaining lesions. Hopefully they won't find any new ones forming. This Sunday I had also hoped to be able to go to the Dharma Center which I have missed for so long. Instead, the irritation from the same bleeding has kept me from getting very far from the bathroom. I couldn't even get outside the house long enough for some things I have needed to do.

It has been a long time since I have been able to do the “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony.” Since the day was listed in my Tibetan Calendar as astrologically auspicious for “ fire puja,” I had planned to do the ceremony. Furthermore, it has also become increasingly necessary as a means of properly disposing of “Dharma trash,” what we used to call “holy garbage” when I was at the Russian Orthodox monastery, misprints of sacred writings, damaged holy images, vestments which can no longer be used, and similar items. Such things ought to be accorded the appropriate respect for what they represent. Nevertheless, with the bleeding I have to again postpone the “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony” until the next “fire puja” day.

There are a couple of very special Dharma opportunities coming up soon. In February, the Dalai Lama is coming to South Florida including a talk at Nova Southeastern University in Davie, Florida, where the ticket prices are quite reasonable, provided we can get them before they are all gone. I know that my sister and I will be doing everything that we can to be able to go there. In March, the Tibetan Meditation Center in Gainesville, Florida, will be hosting a week-long Phowa Retreat with Venerable

Traga Rinpoche. This is a training that I have sought, but all of the occasions that I had previously found were at distant locations like Washington State, Mexico City, and Bodhgaya, India, all a bit too far for me to manage. However, Gainesville is within reach and work-study may make it affordable.

This past Friday, our Tonglen Practice group on Facebook had its first synchronized practice as group internationally. Although I had problems maintaining my concentration this first time doing this form of meditation for longer than a few minutes, I can tell that it is one of the two practices for which my particular life experiences have especially prepared me. Of course, Phowa is the other. I realize that neither of these practices is something to be entered into casually, but I also know that the same Karma that has brought me the medical issues that have both acquainted me with pain and kept Death close by me can be seen as presenting me with this opportunity to serve the Dharma.

Of course, I could ignore these kinds of consequences of my Karma, but that would leave me locked in the samsaric cycle rather than trying to fulfill the potential within all of us. How many rebirths have I had without even being aware of the Dharma much less serving it as I should? Not only do I again have a human life, but I also have a “precious human life,” both by virtue of again finding the Dharma and by having the life experiences to make this particular use of its lessons in its service for the benefit of all sentient beings..

Getting Cold When You Are Getting Old

As a child growing up here in Florida I remember our winters varied subjectively from quite mild to barely tolerable. Of course that had a lot to do with our lack of central heating, but not entirely. There was one winter in the mid-Sixties that almost devastated our citrus industry, some groves never being replanted. As an adult, a newlywed in fact, in January 1977, we had snow that not only stuck around rather than melting immediately, but even remained for a second day. Except for the hottest and coldest of days, I have had a broad temperature tolerance. Nevertheless, I always preferred the summer over the winter.

Central heating and air conditioning were rare in homes when I was growing up. Most of us handled the temperatures by wearing more in the winter than in the summer and using space heaters in the winter and electric fans in the summer. Furthermore, for most of us our level of physical activity declined as the temperature rose. Nevertheless, winter weather was usually more of a nuisance than a serious problem although not as benign as the Hawaiian winter which I had the chance to experience in the Navy.

In December 1983 and the rest of that winter in 1984, as a result of my injuries from my motor vehicle accident in the spring of 1983, I experienced my first real trouble with winter weather. Between the plates that were installed in my forearms and the damage to my joints, winters in the monasteries both in Northern California and in New York State were painful with my level of pain rising as the temperature dropped. In fact, that pain sending me to the doctor in California and the size of the bill for the doctor visit and xrays prompted me to apply for veteran's benefits since I believed that the monastery should not bear the expense for the consequences of injuries sustained during military service.

Furthermore, after settling back here in Florida, my psoriatic arthritis, a form of rheumatoid arthritis manifested itself. This too caused me to feel more pain in the winter than in the summer. Nevertheless, I am most fortunate that I have responded so well to treatment with Enbrel that I live with very little pain most of the time. Inasmuch as our weather is generally warm I am spared having too much pain from either my osteoarthritic joints or my psoriatic arthritic joints.

This latest weekend, with its winter weather unlike any since that January of 1977, is causing a lot of us older folks some serious pain and other difficulties. There have been unconfirmed reports of snow flurries in south Florida. The National Weather Service even issued a wind chill advisory for the Florida Keys. So many of us here in Florida, particularly the poorest, have houses like mine without central heat and air conditioning and lacking adequate insulation. I am more fortunate than most in that, if the rest of the house gets too cold, I can withdraw into the bedroom where I have sealed the air leaks and can position both of my space heaters to warm the room. There I can settle in with my laptop or a book and keep warm until bedtime. A mug of Tibetan butter tea is a warming addition to the scenario, my affinity for it perhaps being a remembrance from a previous lifetime.

Other poor older people who don't have a warm place like this are plagued by arthritic pains and risk having serious new health problems, perhaps even pneumonia. They can even die of “exposure” or hypothermia just as though they were outside in the weather. The compassion of the more fortunate should prevent these sorts of things from happening to all these people. However, such compassion is in very short supply and doesn't seem to be getting more common!

Beyond these kinds of conditions which clearly appear to be beyond my control, I can see the karmic roots of some of my medical conditions. My arthritis serves as an excellent example. The psoriatic arthritis just like my cancer and my congenital aortic defect would be the fruit of karmic seeds planted in previous lifetimes, perhaps one in which I was a self-indulgent rich kid. However, to some extent the osteoarthritis is the result of actions in this lifetime, particularly the unwise decision not to go directly home from the Naval Facility, but rather to go to the next town to pick up specially ordered parts for my van and then go out to a nice restaurant for supper before going home, resulting in a near-fatal car wreck.

My karma is my karma whether within one lifetime or extending across multiple lifetimes. Of course, I have the choice of what to make of it. I can just let it run its course or I can make it an occasion to benefit others. I prefer the latter!

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 71 – New Yearses

Once again I brought in the new year at home alone. I had been accustomed to attending a midnight New Year's AA meeting, but haven't been up to that this year or last. With the conversion to digital TV, which I chose not to do, I did not even watch one of the New Year's shows. I didn't even look for any of them webcast for the occasion. However, for New Years Day I spent the day driving my sister to things she wanted to do and went to several thrift shops. Moreover, I participated in the mantra accumulation with Dri Thubten Dargye Ling in Singapore taking an opportunity in the day to chant the White Tara mantra dedicated to the long long life of H.E. Garchen Rinpoche and for the peace and harmony in the world. I plan to do the same on occasion throughout the year.

At least my circumstances are much better than last year when I was in the middle of radiation treatments for my prostate cancer. Now I am in the middle of recovering from the treatments with good lab results for the cancer. Even my recovery is progressing well.

I find that I am able to do things that I couldn't just a few months ago. I have even undertaken the massive project of putting my home in order. At first I was just trying to get my stationary bike accessible for me to use. Then I wanted to find something that I misplaced. However, the greatest motivation for undertaking this and seeing it through to completion comes from my daily Buddhist practice. First, I reflected that when the conditions in this house are such that I wouldn't invite anyone in for anything, how could it be a suitable place for Lord Buddha? Furthermore, I have had no space for prostrations, but I had not been physically able to do them. Although I was to have gone through Ngondro practices after my Ngakpa ordination, I was shown some leniency by virtue of my age and later by reason of my illness. However, as I am recovering quite well, I should be working my way back toward a reasonable number of prostrations each day.

Furthermore, since I aspire to be a monk, I need to get rid of so much extra “stuff” that I have accumulated. As a monk I am to have very few possessions for myself. Certain others may be needed for the house. A few more things may be needed for those activities whereby I benefit others and serve the Dharma. However, I have far beyond that and some of it would benefit others by being gifted. Such I shall be trying to do right up to the time that I am to be ordained.

Last year I had hoped to not only keep the Western New Year's celebration, but also to participate in celebrations of the Vietnamese, Thai, and Tibetan New Years. I was not able to do such as I had hoped. However, this year I hope to again try to keep all these observances.

One aspect of most New Years traditions is the review of the accomplishments of the previous year and the development of intentions for the newly begun year. In that regard I can see numerous things that I did not successfully complete in the past year, many of which were not completed due to the treatment of my cancer and the aftereffects of that treatment. Such circumstances were beyond my control, but perhaps I should not have had such ambitious expectations. However, my abilities have increased as I have continued to recover from the radiation treatments.

I had set out to work on much needed weight loss, but found that when I needed to add exercise to my weight loss program, the issues of bleeding and of bowel urgency prevented my choosing walking or bicycle riding, because I would be too far from the bathroom. However, I had a stationary bike that I could not use because there was too much stuff around it. Now that I have cleared everything out of the way, I can use it. In fact, I am on the stationary bike as I write these lines. Not only have I made it accessible, but I've also added a shelf to hold a laptop or a book to combat the chief problem that I encounter on a stationary bike, boredom. Unlike a regular bike on which I see changing scenery, on one of these I see the same wall, but reading a book, writing a blog, surfing the web, or watching a movie alleviates the boredom, making this form of exercise tolerable.

I look forward to the Dharma center reopening after the holiday period. Furthermore, since I have recently gotten a “serious camera” with which I can do serious photography, I have conceived of a simple way to raise funds in support of the Dharma center: I should take several photographs which would be suitable for framing and hanging on a wall. These I would sell on eBay as signed and numbered limited edition prints. I would give majority of the sale price to the center, keeping only enough to cover expenses.

I also intend to resume the effort to contact the local hospitals to serve as a contact person to find suitable clergy to meet the spiritual needs of Buddhists who are hospitalized. I got sidetracked from this, but I can now get back to it. In all the medical issues with which I have dealt my whole life and my continuing to survive so many things over the years, I have been given the opportunity to be of service to the sick and the dying. Furthermore, as a Tibetan Buddhist I have the chance to acquire special skills to add to the empathy and understanding that my experiences have created.

In all things I need to find ways to be of maximum service to others and to the Dharma. Whether I am utilizing my art of photography to support the Dharma center or I am visiting the sick or comforting the dying, the most important thing is that I must be acting out of compassion toward the enlightenment of all sentient beings.