Friday, September 23, 2011:
I really don't want to get up this morning! A prostate biopsy is not something I enjoy having. I may look forward to the results, but I don't look forward to the procedure itself. At least the prep is not that rigorous or unpleasant. Nevertheless, an enema in the morning is not my idea of a good start to the day. Stopping my anti-inflammatory meds for a week has left me stiff and achy this morning. Arthritis can be so unforgiving!
As slow as I'm moving and as unmotivated as I am, it is good that the appointment is not too early. Nevertheless, I have gotten there in plenty of time, but I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be, because they seem to do them in different parts of the hospital every time I have one. Fortunately, I'm swiftly guided to the right waiting room, but don't have to wait long before the nurse calls me.
It is so strange that I am so comfortable pulling down my shorts here in mixed company. I guess it helps that the nurse has such a masculine manner that she seems more like “one of the guys.” I couldn't say whether this is from her sexual orientation or the aftereffects of a military career, but it is common among VA staff. However it comes about, I am grateful for it, because this is a far more intimate situation than simple nudity. This is more a matter of feeling vulnerable and trusting the crew working on me. It reminds me of feelings I have had before anesthesia for surgery.
Of course before we get to the actual procedure, we have the paperwork to do which, ironically, is now paperless. I hate these new digital signature pads! You don't see your writing as you write and when you see it, it is inevitably so unlike your normal signature. I guess you get better with practice, because the doctor's looks the same on the computer as it does on paper.
In the lab, with my shorts pulled down and my shantab pulled up I lie on the gurney on my side as the nurse gives me the local anesthetic to prepare me for the procedure. I chat easily with the nurse and the tech as well as the doctor when he comes in, the small talk that helps me be more at ease in such an unnatural situation. At least this time I am more confident that this is simply routine with nothing to find in the specimens that will be taken.
Oddly, despite the overall unnaturalness of the whole situation, everything about the entire procedure seems so familiar and so “normal.” I don't flinch with the spring release on each biopsy needle and even understand the locations that the doctor reports to the nurse to record for each sample. I don't even have the curiosity to see the ultrasound monitor as I had wished to do do during the previous biopsies.
This time I know fully what to expect. It won't be quite as easy a recovery as the first one had been, but it won't be too bad either. I'll have a little bleeding both rectal and urinary, a bit more than some others might because of the anticoagulants I normally take, but it won't last all that long. I also know not to be surprised by how much I'll hurt when the anesthetic wears off. After all, the doctor has just jabbed a dozen holes through my rectum into my prostate gland. At least knowing how much it will hurt, will make it no surprise and keep me from worrying when it does.
Thursday, November 17, 2011.
Finally it is the day for me to get the results of my latest prostate biopsy!! I did get a preview of the results when a nurse practitioner in another clinic looked at the report, but she couldn't really interpret it except to tell me that the word “carcinoma” was not in it. While that was significantly good news, I really want the full interpretation.
Unfortunately, the Urology/Oncology clinic seems to be running behind today. I was about ten minutes past my appointment time seeing the nurse, but it is now fully an hour past the appointment time and I haven't seen the doctor yet. At least I'm not in any kind of pain like some of my fellow patients, but I am still anxious to get whatever news this is. Finally, almost an hour and fifteen minutes late, I am called in to see the doctor. As it turns out I see two doctors, a senior resident and a junior resident.
The junior takes the lead in explaining that my PSA is well within normal bounds, although still not as low as we would wish after radiation therapy. Nevertheless, with no sign of cancer in any biopsy sample we won't be scheduling any more biopsies. Monitoring will just be continuing the PSA tests accompanied with digital rectal examinations. In fact, he does one today and pronounces, based on that and the PSA and the biopsy, that there is no sign of cancer now. I have to comment that I can tell that he lacks some of the experience that other doctors and nurse practitioners who have given me DREs have had, but I do understand that he is gaining that experience in his residency. However, I do wish he had gotten a little more practice before he saw me, because he did seem to be searching for my prostate rather than knowing exactly where it should be.
Now, I feel I should celebrate as I had promised myself long ago by dining on Thai food. Unfortunately, the Thai restaurant that we had in Plant City has closed and I am already short of funds at this point in the month. I have considered the option of going to one of the Thai temples where I would be invited to dine with their monks, but that has not worked out yet on any of the Sundays that I might go. Nevertheless, I shall see whether there is a restaurant in Lakeland or Brandon where I may order takeout. I also look forward to going on a pilgrimage to Wat Florida Dhammaram to visit their shrines as soon as I can manage that.
When I reflect on how I got to this point in this “Journey through Cancer,” I must acknowledge that it has not been just through modern Western medicine that I have reached the state of having no sign of cancer. I have also utilized alternative and herbal medicine bolstered by spiritual practices. These have worked even after the radiation therapy had ceased its beneficial effects. They have also been of great benefit when dealing with the negative aftereffects of that therapy. Moreover the spiritual practices have helped me to see the bigger picture of which this bout with cancer is but a small part.
I am not in this thing alone. Nor have these events in my life been confined to this lifetime in their origins and effects. While I may have some indications of some of the Karmic traces with which I may have entered this particular rebirth, there are most likely others of which I have no clue. Indeed that doesn't matter nearly as much as what I do with them.
Early in my life, in my infancy, I was too immature to know what to do. When I got a little older but not much more mature, I could complain and even feel that it was grossly unfair that I should have to deal with so much medical stuff. At other times, as a science geek, I was fascinated by the technical aspects. Through all of that I was focused on me, me, me.
Only since becoming Buddhist have I come to understand that it is not about me at all. While I indeed am responsible for the Karmic seeds I have planted in the past which have borne fruit in this lifetime, I have the choice of what to do with the circumstances in which I find myself. Each day I must focus my attention on how best to serve all sentient beings. Whether formally or informally practicing Tonglen, whenever I dedicate my pain, my illness, my difficulty or my struggle to the benefit of all beings, sincerely desiring to relieve their pain, their illness, their difficulty or their struggle, indeed all their suffering, my negative Karma is purified. It need not carry forward into future rebirths.
“I rely on you, buddhas and bodhisattvas, until I achieve enlightenment. Please grant me enough wisdom and courage to be free from delusion.
“If I am supposed to get sick, let me get sick, and I’ll be happy. May this sickness purify my negative karma and the sickness of all sentient beings.
“If I am supposed to be healed, let all my sickness and confusion be healed, and I’ll be happy. May all sentient beings be healed and filled with happiness.
“If I am supposed to die, let me die and I’ll be happy. May all the delusion and the causes of suffering of beings die.
“If I am supposed to live a long life, let me live a long life and I’ll be happy. May my life be meaningful in service to sentient beings.
“If my life is to be cut short, let it be cut short and I’ll be happy. May I and all others be free from attachment and aversion.”
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