It has only been a few days ago that I received a diagnosis that is likely to shape my life for the next several months. I plan to "blog" my way through the process of treatment planning, the treatment itself and the recovery afterwards.
My previous blog "Walking with Death" serves as a suitable preface to the present work. Both my experiences under medical care and also my training as a nurse tend to make me interested in the technical aspects of what awaits me. Furthermore, it is most fortuitous that my first real introduction to Tibetan Buddhism was a Medicine Buddha Empowerment and Retreat. This together with my life experience shapes my attitudes toward the diagnosis and treatment.
A clearly good consequence has been that the looming prospect of cancer brought me to a deeper appreciation of "precious human life" and to a greater commitment to Buddhist practice beginning with "taking refuge." From that point I went on to take Ngakpa ordination, the especially inward nature of whose samayas seems particularly appropriate. Nevertheless, the thought of wasting what remains of my life motivates me to try to benefit my brothers and sisters at our Dharma center and in the wider community. Furthermore, it increases my desire and commitment to seek full monastic ordination.
I wrote my first email to my Root Lama about all of this happening as well what I've been doing. I believe that he understood and approved of my attitude toward this as the life lessons through which I must live and learn. I have to keep my focus on what is truly important which has nothing to do with dying nor even with pain. First of all, "stuff happens" and we really have little control over that, but rather we control our attitudes and actions, but even that takes a certain level of mental training to overcome "afflictive emotions" and "obscurations" enough. I need to keep growing in my practice and maintain my determination to keep my samayas as a Ngakpa and to move on toward becoming a monk. The real danger for me in all of this is that I could get so focused on my own pain and so obsessed with death that I cease to grow in compassion. Like everyone else my death is certain, but my life is not certain.
Yesterday I got a call from the Radiation Oncology Department at the VA Hospital, setting the appointment for my "evaluation" and the first of many tests that lay ahead. I can't afford to let all of this divert me from the truly important. In fact, as the expression is "this is where the rubber meets the road." The teachings of the Buddha work in just such circumstances as this not just in the little routine things in life. In fact, they seem to have the potential of turning the most exceptional circumstances into routine.
Next month when Khenpo Tsultrim is here for teachings, I plan to talk to him about the facilities for retreats at Tibetan Meditation Center in Frederick, Maryland. In the Spring, after my treatments are finished, I think it may be a most appropriate time to make a retreat.
As I progress through this whole process of treatments, tests, and just life, I'll continue to blog. One of the preparations that I have already begun is the process of raising funds to cover the gas I'll need to make it to all my treatments. I was already starting to get rid of "stuff" that I no longer need. Now I have started selling some of it on eBay and have my sister list the books in her inventory for sale. I've already made some substantial sales to go into that transportation fund.
Another spiritual development is that several people have offered to help me get to treatments or otherwise support me in them. They may not realize that they are being given the opportunity to accumulate merit which is something we all need. This also could be my own opportunity to purify karma?
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