Journey Through Cancer Chapter 2

This afternoon I went to Katsel Dharma Center to be with my Vajra brothers and sisters. Although Sunday afternoons are scheduled as "Introduction to Buddhism," without any beginners, the three of us did Amitayus Sadhana Practice. This was probably only the third time for me to do this practice since the empowerment, but it was very rewarding to do it with others. I feel strongly inclined to make Amitayus Sadhana Practice togther with Medicine Buddha Sadhana Practice the foundation of my daily practice during the present phase of my journey through cancer. The "plan" of my daily practice is to rotate through all the practices for which I have received empowerment, but this would seem to be a better choice for a while.
During the practice, a couple of times I noticed the Tibetan letters in connection with the phonetic rendering of familiar mantras and prayers. Although it has occured to me before, I am strongly motivated to make my first step toward learning the Tibetan language trying to learn the alphabet, the starting point in learning any language, by picking out the letters just to be able to pronounce the chants from the Tibetan text rather than just from the phonetics. When I started going to the Russian Orthodox Church, that was how I first handled the prayers in Old Church Slavonic. Eventually, it became a language of prayer for me not just meaningless sounds. Perhaps with practice the same process may work for me with the Tibetan language, maybe with actual language study I might progress to full understanding eventually.
On a different track, I had long thought that I wasn't a very materialistic person, but the process that I described to a friend as "liquidating my own estate" is showing me that I've kept so many things that are really useless to me. This is turning out to be more about spiritual discovery than just about the practical need for transportation funds. The more "stuff" I get out of here, the more freedom I feel. I think I'll be expanding this process to include everything, even things with no resale value, asking, "Why do I have this thing? Does it bind and constrain me?" More of my "stuff" will be going out even if it goes to the garbage.
It is so strange to remember that when I left St. Herman of Alaska Monastery, Platina, California, to move to Holy Trinity Monastery, Jordanville, New York, I only had what I could pack in a backpack. When I moved back here to this area, I only added a few boxes of books that were mailed to me. In the years since then, I have accummulated so much unnecessary "stuff" that doesn't make my life better, but rather less free. I feel so sad for those who are bound and enslaved by so much more "stuff" in their lives. For me, the wealthy are more to be pitied than envied.
With my present circumstances, I am aware of some of the many stresses that fill our daily lives. Even in the limited circle of my friends I am not the only one coping with financial strains from the current "economic downturn" and medical crises. Others are struggling with different combinations of stressors. Some of us cope better than others. Sometimes we cope better than at other times. At the best of times it is difficult to be "fully responsible" for our own actions and choices. In my present situation I already have symptoms that make me feel "not so good," but they are not so bad that I should let them keep me from doing what really needs to be done. I'm particularly thinking about my commitment to the Dharma both from taking refuge and from Ngakpa ordination. When I don't make it to the Dharma center, it is easier to blame the disease process rather than face the shortcomings in my coping. What will I do if the disease gets really bad or the treatments give me horrible side effects? Whatever it is, I'm still responsible for my choices.
I was talking to a friend about people we knew who had cancer but refused the usual pain meds because they wanted to keep their minds clear. Ani Drolkar said that it would interfere with her practice. Metropolitan Philaret who was head of the Russian Orthodox Church Outside Russia worried that it would make him doze instead of pray. Could I exhibit that kind of strength and commitment to the Dharma?
This, like everything else in life, is a spiritual journey. What I go through is not important, but how I go through it is of ultimate importance.