Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 9 – Why do any of this?

It may seem from what I've written that I have it all together all the time, but that impression couldn't be farther from the truth. Instead, having suffered from chronic low grade depression for years, although it has been very successfully treated, under the present circumstances, it is not surprising that I have to deal with it again now. The symptoms of an enlarged prostate for which the old treatments are no longer as effective are aggravating. The herbs that are part of the alternative therapy that I am using before the radiation therapy begins are only tolerable when masked by the spice in my daily chai. The seaweed that is supposed to prepare my body to cope with radiation makes my noodles unpalatable. Each day can be an emotional roller-coaster, but I continue to be able to find my way back to that balance point of confidence in my path and hopefulness for the future. For that I have a lot of help.
First of all is the living of my own particular life. I have repeatedly survived what could have easily been fatal circumstances and conditions. They may have involved a lot of pain and a long recovery, but I did survive. All this has brought me through diverse experiences to find my way back to Tibetan Buddhism which I had followed in a previous lifetime centuries ago. I know that I can survive anything no matter how improbable it might seem. On balance, I do realize that I won't survive everything, even when I've made it through this. However, it is a great blessing that Lama Sonam will be teaching on the Bardo and I am reading the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying to prepare for it. It is no coincidence that just when the specter of Death looms so large that I am to study about preparing for it while I am most receptive for the knowledge even if I am not really dying just now.
Next, I have my absolute certainty that I have lived before and can live again. However, this does leave me the responsibility to do all that I can with the rest of my life no matter how short or long to ensure that, even if I don't attain enlightenment in this lifetime, I shall have a good rebirth to have the chance to attain it then. If I should wind up like the poor earthworms that we liberated last weekend, how many more lifetimes as how many different kinds of living things would I need just to get back to this same point? While I continue to breathe, while I still have this life, I can aspire toward bodhicitta.
Next, I also have a whole host of people who care very much what happens to me and are doing what they can to help me overcome and recover from this disease. Some advise me in alternative or adjunctive therapies. Some supply me with the essential oils, herbs,or soaps for a particular regimen. Others are willing to help me with transportation to my treatment. I even had someone whom I have never met contribute toward my transportation needs. Furthermore, I have the whole VA medical system to support me with the conventional treatments and medicines. Still others give me the benefit of various alternative therapies especially forms of “energy work.” I even have a “witchy” friend who plans to have my healing as part of the magical working in the ritual at her Winter Solstice celebration.
Furthermore, I have my Dharma Center, my vajra brothers and sisters who are my Sangha. And even more than just them, my Greater Sangha which includes my root lama and the Sri Lankan monk who sends me email Dharma teachings and my Zen friend who got me involved in the Maitreya Project Relic Tour and even the monks of the Wat Florida Dhammaram whose pilgrimage shrines I visited. All these keep bringing me back to study of the Dharma and the practice of the Dharma which includes the practice of compassion. Even last night at our Vegetarian Thanksgiving,.Venerable Lama Sonam stressed to us the importance of opening any practice that we are doing with altruistic motivation and concluding it with our dedicating it to benefit others, reminding us of the central place of compassion in Buddhism, especially Tibetan Buddhism where we so often repeat, “for the benefit of all sentient beings.”.
I could be walking through this disease and its treatment alone which would be both profoundly lonely and also interminably depressing, but I am not alone but rather have a whole host of caring supporters. I could be doing this solely for my own individual selfish survival, but I am not doing this only for me but rather for the benefit of so many others who must walk a similar road. I could see this as the Karmic result of my own actions in this or a previous life which would be both true and very sad, but, more than that, it is the opportunity to be of service to others which is an occasion for joy. I learned long ago that pursuing my own selfish goals brings no happiness, but helping others brings true joy. I enjoy cooking, but never so much as when I cook for others and see their enjoyment of what I have prepared.
We are walking through all these peaks and valleys of this thing together and we will get to the other side of it. When we find ourselves “cancer free,” it may not be all that much farther that we have to face another cancer in another part of our body, but we will walk through that too. However, when we reach that or another challenge of life, we will reach with the tools that this experience has given us. Moreover we will meet it as new people changed by this and all other experiences. Even the very atoms that make up our body will be different, because nothing, not even ourselves, stays the same.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 8 Addendum

Just about two hours ago I got back from a pilgrimage to the holy places of Lord Buddha Shakyamuni's life. I was able to visit the Vihara Maha Mayadevi, built in commemoration of the Buddha’s birthplace in Lumbini Nepal, the Mahabodhi Temple of Bodgaya India, the Dhamekha Stupa of Sarnath India, and the Parinibbana Temple of Kusinara India. Most wondrously I did this all in less than one day, without even leaving Florida. Such a moving spiritual experience is made possible because Wat Florida Dhammaram has constructed replicas of the sacred places of pilgrimage in honor Lord Buddha as they are found in India. Therefore, by driving from my home in Plant City to Kissimmee, I was able to make prostrations in the main temple of Wat Florida Dhammaram and then go to each of these shrines and make prostrations in each of them.
As we were driving, it started raining lightly, because a cold front was passing through this area. When we arrived at Wat Florida Dhammaram, it was like a light mist, hardly even a drizzle. This continued as we visited the temple and the shrines, although it was definitely clearing. We were invited to lunch by one of the monks but I declined both because my own focus was on time at the shrines and because I doubted that my sister could tolerate Thai food. Even the mildest can be too spicy for her.
After having our picnic lunch, I went back to the Parinibbana Temple and do circumambulations, prostrations, mantra recitations and meditation at such a holy place. As I started to meditate, I seemed to have a lot of disturbance, but I eventually reached a state of calm and quiet. This was such a great blessing for me at this particular time. All in all we didn't stay very long, but I think I'll try to get back in a month or so, although I might have to recruit a driver at that point.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 8 – part 2

Yesterday, we had the ceremony with a small group, only a couple of whom were Buddhist, which turned out well. I believe that most of them grasped the point of the liberation and understood the significance of “all mother sentient beings” which, to me, is such an important concept underlying so much of what we do in our practice. Native Americans talk about “all our relations,” but this takes it a step farther and also is connected to our understanding of time as cyclic rather than linear. My mind truly opened to that when someone asked me why, if I accepted that I have been born multiple times, I couldn't accept that the “universe” as we know it might also have been “born” multiple times. At the same time, scientists and mathematicians hypothesize multiple universes coexisting with this one. Why could they not be various Buddhafields?
For this ceremony, I had to set up a temporary altar and, since I hadn't done my daily practice before leaving home in the morning, I did the daily offerings. This gave rise to questions about the nature and significance of each of them. While I could only answer about a couple of them from memory, I promised to send her a copy of the transcript of the talk by Khenpo Konchog Gyaltsen Rinpoche which inspired me to do the same kind of daily offerings. This way she gets the teaching of someone who is actually qualified to teach. However, I can help to promote the curiosity that motivates someone to seek a qualified teacher.
A couple of us talked a little about the prayer: “If I am supposed to get sick, let me get sick, and I’ll be happy. May this sickness purify my negative karma and the sickness of all sentient beings. If I am supposed to be healed, let all my sickness and confusion be healed, and I’ll be happy. May all sentient beings be healed and filled with happiness. If I am supposed to die, let me die and I’ll be happy. May all the delusion and the causes of suffering of beings die. If I am supposed to live a long life, let me live a long life and I’ll be happy. May my life be meaningful in service to sentient beings. If my life is to be cut short, let it be cut short and I’ll be happy. May I and all others be free from attachment and aversion.”
I am inclined to see my present experience living with and struggling with my cancer as the practice of this very prayer in daily life. Whether the cancer is going to kill me soon, or later or not at all, whether it is to be cured by conventional allopathic medicine, or by alternative therapies, or not at all, I am not just doing this for myself but for the benefit of all sentient beings. Furthermore, just like the animal liberation, I dedicate the living out of this to the same folks.
Once you remove the concerns about death and you realize that there are no symptoms other than those I have been experiencing for years with a simple enlarged prostate and the new lower back pain is probably more likely psychological rather than physiological, most of that with which I am coping is “treatment” whether conventional or alternative. My “medicinal” Ramen noodles with their shiitake mushrooms and broccoli cuts are made almost totally unpalatable by the hijiki seaweed, but it is supposed to be preparing my body to cope with the radiation. Replacing my milk with soy milk takes away one of the pleasures that I've enjoyed all my life. Scheduling sessions for the various alternative healing modalities takes time of which I already have too little. At the same time I'm trying to integrate a couple of guided meditations into my life as the time gets closer for my radiation treatments.
To balance this I have my spiritual practice which must not diminish but still keep developing toward the goals set in consultation with my root lama. These aren't just incidental to or merely supportive of the alternative or conventional medical modalities, but rather they are the basis, the cause and the purpose of everything else. Furthermore, to fail to grow in my spiritual practice or to lose the focus on eventually taking full ordination as a monk would be to through away one of the greatest benefits to my life of this whole experience.
Leaving aside, for the moment, the bigger Karmic issues and any consideration of the accumulation of merit, I am walking a path that others must walk, but in so doing I am working out the practical application of certain principles to daily life. For example, what does trusting my root lama in matters of my spiritual life mean if I can't trust him in simple recommendations regarding my physical life? Likewise, if I truly believe that others' intentions are pure in their motivation to help me toward full health, why would I not accept their help? Since I believe that, in regard to my health just like any other circumstance arising in my life, what happens is the result of the intersection exercise my will with the Karmic consequences of my past decisions and actions, why would I not take active control of my health care decisions and plans? In doing these things or any others by which I benefit others in addition to myself, I am not some spiritual hero or saint or Bodhisattva, just the result of certain causes and conditions coming together in this particular way. However certain causes and conditions place me on this path and enable me to walk it as I do.
“Whatever merit I have gathered through prostrations, offerings, confession, rejoicing, beseeching and praying - for the sake of the enlightenment of all sentient beings, all this I dedicate.”

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 8

This has been an eventful week in my walk through this process and my spiritual development.
On the practical side, not only did I have the “simulation” CT, but I spent time with the Radiation Oncology department social worker. She verified that I am eligible for travel pay for my appointments after my mileage exceeds the “deductible” for the month. Furthermore, she gave me the information on other resources available to get me to my treatments. I am most blessed to have the support that I have.
On the spiritual side, I finally added to my practice daily offerings which I was supposed to begin shortly after Venerable Lama Sonam was here the last time. At least I have started it before he gets back next week. I guess when I finally get to doing the daily practice that we set out as an ideal when he was here, it will be time to do something more or something different.
Furthermore, this past Wednesday not only did I see the social worker but I also was able to get to the Dharma Center for practice. There is something very comforting in doing any practice with my vajra brothers and sisters. This is part of what is meant when we say, “the precious Sangha is the supreme guide.” Sometimes they don't realize the significance and importance of the things that they say and do and what it helps me to remember or recognize.
When the KDC president reminds us that Venerable Lama Sonam will be here next Wednesday, he may not know how much encouragement that it gives. To keep my spiritual focus at this time is not easy and I need a lot of help to not be overwhelmed by the usual concerns in the midst of all the medical stuff. Furthermore, the mundane details of finances and transportation as well as the carrying out of the alternative adjunct therapies that I am utilizing can easily take up all my attention.
On the other hand, even attending to the practical aspects of supporting the Dharma Center for our Lama's visit ultimately is part of my spiritual practice. It relates both to my affection for and trust in him and also to my helping all sentient beings to attain enlightenment. These are things to which we repeatedly refer in our prayers, but this is the application of those words in action. Furthermore, we get the opportunity to examine our motivation in doing this, because doing the right thing for the wrong reason contains no merit even if it may bear other accidental benefits.
I am inclined to think of motivation, because tomorrow afternoon I shall be assisting in a ceremony of “liberating animals from the danger of death.” In this, one of my responsibilities will be reading the part on motivation somewhat like a guided meditation. While there is much merit in the practice of such a liberation, it is dependent on our motivation. Furthermore, since there will be non-Buddhists present, it will be important for them to understand why we do such a thing. It isn't some nice quaint little thing that we do, but rather something of great significance that arises from our understanding of the cosmos and the relationship of all living things. Furthermore, this relationship is not abstract and impersonal but rather very practical and very personal. When we refer to “all mother sentient beings,” we really do mean that, in the great cyclic nature of time and rebirth, every sentient being that we encounter in this life has at some time or other been our mother, our father, our sister, and our brother. Thus we can sincerely wish for them a human rebirth during which they can have the same opportunity for enlightenment that our human life affords us.
In all of this I am fully aware that I am unqualified to teach, but I can still share with others my faith and my practice with the spoken or unspoken disclaimer that I am only a beginner not a teacher. Instead, I would point anyone with interest to my teachers. How else can I truly help others toward enlightenment, toward Buddhahood?

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 7

Yesterday, I took another step toward starting my radiation treatments. In fact, my next appointment will be for my first radiation therapy session after a follow-up X-ray. What was done yesterday is called a “simulation,” a special CT scan to enable the oncologist to determine the position and size of the tumor(s) as well as the significant organs and tissues. This also provides the data for the physicists to calculate exactly how to deliver the necessary dosage to the tumor(s) and they will cast the metal shielding that controls the beam of radiation.
For this scan, I needed to have a “comfortably full” bladder which is an oxymoron for a man with an enlarged prostate. Nevertheless, I did find that the best strategy for that is to empty my bladder as soon as I arrive at the hospital (usually necessary anyway after my drive from home) and then to drink about 24 ounces of water which is what I managed to do yesterday. Since that is what brought my bladder to the specific size that it was for the scan, that is now the course for preparing for each radiation treatment.
As a result of this “simulation” I now have my first tattoos.;-) After the techs determined from consulting with the oncologist that their marks on me were correctly placed for aligning the linear accelerator, one of them put a drop of India ink at each point and used a hypodermic needle (without a syringe) to put it into my skin. Unfortunately, even knowing about where they are, I can't see them in a mirror or even in digital pictures that I try to take of myself. They are kind of disappointing for my first tattoos :-( I guess the techs and the machines will find them when they need to.
Also, yesterday, the psychologist who runs my “aftercare” group at the Mental Health Clinic called to set up an alternative, because my radiation therapy sessions are scheduled at the same time as the group meets. He scheduled me an appointment with Psychology intern in order to have a continuing support during the course of my cancer treatment.
I am most fortunate to have the quality of medical care that is provided for me at no cost to me. Indeed, you might say that I already paid for it with my honorable and voluntary service in the U.S. Navy. Not only do I have good care, but I also have a lot of support as well.
My sister bought me what she called “a late birthday or early Christmas present” of a blender specifically designed to make drinks like “smoothies.” I have already tested it on making a frozen protein drink according to the recipe that my primary care doctor gave me, except that I skipped the protein powder rather than open that so early. With the requirement that I neither gain nor lose weight from the weight that I weighed-in at yesterday, these shakes can keep up my nutrition even when I am so nauseated that food is repulsive. I can just slowly sip on a tasty cold drink through as many hours as it takes to finish it. I even brought up to my oncologist and his nurse that I might use this as part of a weight loss program after my treatments are finished. They agreed that might be worthwhile.
I also move forward with my adjunct alternative therapy program. I rewrote a guided meditation “Journey to the Wise Healer Within” which I found in a book on breast cancer to be more directed toward my having prostate cancer. I will record it onto my laptop in order to be able to play it back to myself in my bedroom. In addition to this, I continue to keep up my intake of Brassicas and seaweeds and mushrooms. While I do enjoy all my greens as well as the broccoli sprouts, some of the seaweeds are not so tasty and I definitely do not like reishi mushrooms at all. In this area, hijiki is palatable in my “enhanced” ramen noodles and shiitake mushrooms are quite delicious, but I can only say that kelp is best kept to things with strong flavor especially with plenty of garlic ;-)
My nightly use of my comfrey salve (that turned out to be really a thick oil because I didn't use enough beeswax in it) probably won't necessitate replacing all of my underwear because there probably won't be enough of a cumulative green stain with less than two weeks until the radiation therapy begins. At that point I have to use only water-based moisturizers on my skin, and the doctor is prescribing their preferred one. However, I may still use pure aloe, especially if there isn't any on the ingredient list of the prescribed one.
As far as my spiritual preparations are concerned, I am trying to alternate between White Tara and Medicine Buddha practice daily, if not the full sadhana, at least the short practice in the prayer booklet from the Dharma Center. I am also trying to start daily offerings as part of my practice. Added to this, I am fortunate that I shall be participating in an animal liberation ceremony this coming Saturday. Not only is this an occasion of “accumulating merit,” but also an opportunity to expose non-Buddhists to our ways and help them, even if only in the tiniest degree, toward their own enlightenment..
The most phenomenal blessing for me at this time is that Lama Sonam will be here teaching before I begin my treatments. The incredibly fortuitous timing in his visit includes the fact that he will be leading Ngondro Training and Practice Retreat on the weekend before my very first treatment session. While my present circumstances can force me to focus most of my attention and exert most of my energies on medical matters, the most important things in life, whether normal or under stress, are spiritual training and practice and intentions and actions.
Last month I celebrated my 59th birthday and only just this year started serious Dharma practice. I have wasted so much of this lifetime and have to be propelled onto the path by another reminder of my own mortality. However, at least I realize that there is no better way to spend the remainder of my life than in service to the Dharma and working toward the enlightenment of all sentient beings. Now I have to go through what I have to go through and survive in order to live long enough to be ordained and be of service.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 6

The two weekends prior to this one have been the occasions of powerful spiritual experiences. Nevertheless, I am only just now writing about them. However, that does not diminish the importance of them in my present circumstances. They are part of my spiritual and emotional preparation for what awaits me in the weeks ahead.
First, two weeks ago, I was privileged to participate in the Maitreya Project Relic Tour at Unitarian Universalist Church in Clearwater. When a friend asked me to help months ago, I was thrilled at the opportunity to be a part of bringing something so special here to our region. I thought I would like to do certain jobs for the tour, but I felt that it would be inappropriate to ask for such a consideration. I was fortunate enough to be there for the opening ceremonies on that Friday from the start until closing, Saturday from opening until closing, and Sunday from noon until everything was packed and loaded to go to the next site.
Most Buddhists in the world rarely if ever get the chance to see any relic. If they are fortunate, their temple may have one, but it is most likely to be housed in a statue or stupa. They may get to venerate it but not see it. Here in a church in America were relics from Shakyamuni Buddha, his heart disciples, many of the great teachers of Buddhism to whom we owe our own faith and practice, and even modern holy teachers. We got the opportunity to see and venerate such holy treasures. I was so fortunate to be able to spend so much time in their presence.
On Saturday, when I arrived, I told them I volunteered for “anything that you need” without setting any limit on the jobs that I would do. I was assigned to “security” around the relic display, which was not one of the jobs I would have chosen for myself. After about my fourth time around the table, I realized that I was “circumambulating” the relics and it was my job. Such a great blessing and I received it unasked!
As the day progressed, I found myself filling in for the volunteers who had the jobs I would have asked to have. In fact, between Saturday and Sunday I did every volunteer job inside the room with the relics. As a further blessing, I was never asked to take one of the jobs outside the presence of the relics. Even now, when I reflect on that weekend, I am still amazed at my good fortune throughout the whole weekend.
We were fortunate to have monastics to give blessings with relics of Shakyamuni Buddha through the entire weekend without any long gap of time. I must confess that when the opportunity presented itself, I received blessings each time a different monastic was giving them, except the very last one. In fact I would only approach for another blessing if no one were in line which is the reason that I didn't receive a blessing of the Vietnamese nun who was the last giving them. Between the number of people coming at that particular time and the intensity and carefulness and elaborateness of her blessings, the line never diminished until she was finished.
It was profoundly inspiring to see all the different kinds of Buddhists who came together for this. Furthermore, it was especially inspiring to me to see the great devotion and reverence with which so many approached the relics. We had such a diverse group of people coming through, from the merely curious to the most devout. I found myself explaining the most basic things to some and learning so much from others, sometimes even without words. There were young children whose parents and grandparents were teaching them to make prostrations. There were also the aged and infirm who needed assistance to varying degrees. Moreover, no one could judge from appearances who were very familiar with Buddhism and very devout or who were ignorant of everything about it. There could be a tattooed, pierced teenager with strangely colored hair who approached with the greatest of reverence. There could also be a mature Asian woman who seemed totally unfamiliar with everything going on. Nevertheless, they were all welcomed and embraced by the pervasive loving-kindness that seems to characterize the exhibit and seems to flow from the image of Maitreya Buddha. There was the most dynamic interplay of relics and devotees and monastic and lay person that seemed to build up an almost palpable aura of love and compassion.
Whether it was the “Animal Liberation” that I almost missed (because I had tired myself so much on Saturday being there from opening to closing) or the tenderness of the Buddha Bath ritual or the great outpouring of love that brought together such a collection of relics to inspire us and bless us, the overall effect of this exhibit was an increase of compassion at least in me but hopefully in others as well. However, I must confess that later the great feeling of compassion and loving-kindness was hard to maintain toward the driver who, when we were all being directed into one lane because of a disabled 18-wheeler, ran around everybody in his Hummer expecting to be let in ahead of everyone else. All that I can say in my defense is that I probably did not feel as badly toward him as I might have had I not been just coming from helping to pack up the exhibit and having spent so much time in the presence of such precious relics and having spent so much time with such devout practitioners of Lord Buddha's teachings.
Even now, although the emotions which overwhelmed me at times during the weekend have dissipated, I am still most profoundly changed by this experience in all its parts.

The second event of this interval was Florida Pagan Gathering. Although I was supposed to arrive on the Wednesday of that week, I didn't manage to get there until Thursday morning. The first striking experience was that someone wanted me to be there enough that I didn't have to pay my own registration fee. That day I set up my sister's canopy and the tent she was supposed to sleep in, after which I set up my own tent with a little help from a friend. That afternoon I set up and tended the fire for the Sweat Lodge Ceremony. Although, because we had so many people both nights, I wasn't able to go into the lodge itself, I still participated fully from the outside through my connection with the fire. It is always such a powerful environment for prayer for me. I particularly feel my connectedness to all living things and make contact with deep levels of my own consciousness.
Friday morning I wanted to attend a healing circle but fatigue might have kept me from it had not the universe helped me get up in time. During the night, as might be expected the cool of the night caused my air mattress to be less inflated. As a result of that it developed an “ejection feature.” When I rolled toward one side, it propelled me all the way out of bed with the covers on top of me. As I lay there, I heard my alarm going for its last 5 or 10 seconds. After getting showered and caffeinated, I went to the healing circle where I received healing energy from several modalities and even practiced my Reiki on others. However, after that I had to hurry into town to get paper for my computer printer and then sit down to print out the materials for my workshop. Although I really didn't get to any workshops, I got to listen in on the first part of the introduction to massage workshop which preceded mine at the same location.
My “theory and practice of the Hindu Puja” workshop was well attended and well received.
Immediately, after my workshop, I had to get the fire going for another Sweat Lodge Ceremony which was as well attended as the previous night. Like my experience in the Spring, at this lodge I witnessed the presence of “spirit animals,” a “spirit coyote” and a “spirit bear.” In terms of Native American spirituality this is a great blessing. Unfortunately, although the fire energized me, I still was not able to stay up all that late drumming at the fire circle.
On Saturday my main focus was on the “Radical Recycling” workshop I did together with my sister and her “Introduction to Permaculture” workshop for which I provided “tech support.” Both were well attended and well received. After supper, I went to main ritual, but, when I found myself almost dozing off and, for whatever reason, not feeling any energy being raised, I went on to bed for a “power nap” before going to fire circle for drumming. However, I did not expect to be able to “drum the sun up” as I had at previous festivals. Contrary to my intention, I slept until around 4 AM, when I was awakened by the sound of air coming out of my air mattress and the feeling of descending to the ground. Cold and unable to sleep anymore, I went to the fire circle and “drummed the sun up” again.
Overall the weekend was invigorating both spiritually and physically. So many people that I saw on Sunday as I broke camp or attended closing ritual, told me how much better I looked. I know I felt much better and knew how much I was loved and appreciated.