I now have only two treatments left. My body has begun telling me, “Enough already!” The side effects of the radiation have been manageable up until now, but they are fast moving toward unbearable. If my treatments lasted any longer, I don't know how well I would tolerate them. I'm glad I don't have to find out now. Nevertheless, despite feeling particularly lousy physically yesterday, I am emotionally uplifted. I even had the chance to enjoy a little shopping that involved planning to do things that I haven't been able to do. I bought cat dishes to start to tame a feral cat that has been coming around and mugs, bowls, and dessert plates to use when entertaining visitors. I was even looking at kitten toys.
I have also been blessed through the course of my treatments to have friends who would drive me to some of my appointments. Even this benefits others, at least insofar as they have the opportunity to practice loving-kindness, compassion, and generosity in a very concrete fashion. At the same time I get the chance to share my experiences and my faith to also benefit them.
Yesterday, after the treatment, the technician asked me how I planned to celebrate when I'm finished. I told her that I really hadn't thought about it. She said that she thought that anyone who make it through their treatments should throw a party. I told her that I'd probably go out to eat. Later I discussed it with my sister and decided that we would check out the new Thai restaurant in town the day after my last treatment. We'll make it lunchtime, because the prices are lower then.
My last treatment day will be a rather full one. After the final radiation therapy session, I will meet with the radiation oncologist and his nurse to discuss the follow-up appointments. Before leaving the hospital for the day, I will have one more session with the psychology intern to discuss my feelings at the conclusion of my treatments and my strategies for coping with the uncertainty of the wait for the tests and their results. Just as the wait between the high PSA readings and the urology appointment when the “lump” was found and the wait between that urology appointment and the biopsy and the wait between the biopsy and the diagnosis and the wait between the diagnosis and the treatment planning and the wait between the treatment planning and the beginning of treatments were all almost too much to bear, the wait to know the effectiveness of the treatments will also be excruciatingly long. Although I must admit that there is the possibility that the radiation was basically ineffective, I have every confidence that I shall survive this cancer just as I have survived so many things already. In 1983 when I had a traumatic tear of the aorta, that injury had a 99.5% mortality rate, but I survived. Currently prostate cancer has only about a 27.9% mortality rate, much better odds. When I had my last appointment with the psychology intern, I told him that although this treatment was no picnic, it was not nearly as rigorous as what I went through in 1983 with not only the torn aorta but also multiple broken bones and requiring not only medical and surgical interventions but also extensive physical therapy.
Beyond this I have had the opportunity for spiritual and emotional growth, just as I had in the previous “brushes with death.” Furthermore, as a Buddhist, I see such experiences as the fruits of karmic seeds planted in a previous lifetime as well as the opportunity to cleanse my karma depending on how I handle the situation. I also see in this the perfect conditions to practice loving-kindness and compassion to make it benefit other beings.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 24 – New Yearses
Monday night I attended a Lunar Tea Gathering at Kaleisia Tea Lounge celebrating the Vietnamese New Year. Sunday night I had intended to attend the celebration at Chua Phat Phap Vietnamese Temple and Vihara in St. Petersburg, but the fatigue that has plagued me since I started radiation treatments prevented it. Our little celebration was more personal and participatory. Kim did the Gongfu Cha tea ceremony and discussed New Years traditions in her culture and in her family. In fact we all contributed our own traditions which were similar or otherwise related to them. This was such a beautiful experience.
For Western New Year, I was too fatigued to do anything more than watch the celebration. However, having celebrated the Vietnamese New Year, I plan to celebrate the Tibetan New Year and then the Thai New Year in coming months. Tibetan New Year (Losar) will be February 25th this year. Thai New Year will be April 19th.
I'm sure or at least hope that the Dharma Center will have some celebration for Losar, but I don't yet know what they are. For the Thai New Year I'll check with friends about their plans as well as check the different temples' schedules. I have a strong inclination to try to go to Wat Florida Dhammaram to make another pilgrimage to the votive shrines.
Each of these three New Years dates marks a significant point in this journey. Right now, with only six therapy sessions remaining ,I am at the stage of seeing the end of my treatments just “around the corner.” After all of this I can soon expect to go from radiation therapy sessions to recovering from their side effects. When I get to Losar, I should be experiencing a return of some level of energy. Some time around Songkran (Thai New Year) I should get the confirmation of the effectiveness of all this treatment. I have no reason to expect anything less than a full recovery from both the cancer and the radiation therapy.
New Year traditions in most cultures involve reflection on one's past and future. It is standing between what has been done, whether for good or ill, and what is yet to be accomplished. We have a chance, like a ship's navigator, to check our position and our heading against our charted course. Are we off course? Are we heading in the right direction?
It is particularly valuable to me that I am celebrating these days and doing this reflection surrounded by cultural traditions which were shaped by centuries of Buddhist practice and guided by centuries of Dharma teachings. This keeps me from losing sight of the karmic roots of my circumstances or of being of benefit to all sentient beings. While it does originate in “seeds” planted in a previous lifetime, its value is in helping all other beings.
For Western New Year, I was too fatigued to do anything more than watch the celebration. However, having celebrated the Vietnamese New Year, I plan to celebrate the Tibetan New Year and then the Thai New Year in coming months. Tibetan New Year (Losar) will be February 25th this year. Thai New Year will be April 19th.
I'm sure or at least hope that the Dharma Center will have some celebration for Losar, but I don't yet know what they are. For the Thai New Year I'll check with friends about their plans as well as check the different temples' schedules. I have a strong inclination to try to go to Wat Florida Dhammaram to make another pilgrimage to the votive shrines.
Each of these three New Years dates marks a significant point in this journey. Right now, with only six therapy sessions remaining ,I am at the stage of seeing the end of my treatments just “around the corner.” After all of this I can soon expect to go from radiation therapy sessions to recovering from their side effects. When I get to Losar, I should be experiencing a return of some level of energy. Some time around Songkran (Thai New Year) I should get the confirmation of the effectiveness of all this treatment. I have no reason to expect anything less than a full recovery from both the cancer and the radiation therapy.
New Year traditions in most cultures involve reflection on one's past and future. It is standing between what has been done, whether for good or ill, and what is yet to be accomplished. We have a chance, like a ship's navigator, to check our position and our heading against our charted course. Are we off course? Are we heading in the right direction?
It is particularly valuable to me that I am celebrating these days and doing this reflection surrounded by cultural traditions which were shaped by centuries of Buddhist practice and guided by centuries of Dharma teachings. This keeps me from losing sight of the karmic roots of my circumstances or of being of benefit to all sentient beings. While it does originate in “seeds” planted in a previous lifetime, its value is in helping all other beings.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 23 – One Veteran's Reflections
Among my friends is a young (from my perspective) couple; he is an Air Force officer: she is a stay-at-home mom. The wife drove me to my radiation treatment session Friday. This, of course, gave rise to conversations about what military service is like today and what it was like during my two enlistments. Naturally, there are differences between the Navy (in which I served) and the Air Force, but there are many common principles. Although some Naval traditions and customs originate in the distant past when men first went to sea in boats, the Air Force has a much shorter history, originating as a part of the Army. Nevertheless, among the principles that both services shared was, “We take care of our own.”
When I was on active duty, that principle meant, among other things, that when some was injured on duty the services didn't just put them out. In fact, after my motor vehicle accident (not even a combat injury), when authorization came through for my discharge, I was informed that I had to be “fit for full duty” before I could be discharged. Furthermore, a member of my unit during my first hitch developed diabetes. Although it could not be considered “service connected,” it prevented him from continuing his enlistment, but he could never become “fit for full duty.” Therefore, the Navy medically retired him with the appropriate benefits, a percentage of base pay, exchange privileges, commissary privileges, and hospital care for life.
In contrast, I repeatedly hear of men and women wounded in combat zones with injuries severe enough to never be declared “fit for full duty” being discharged while under medical care. Furthermore, they must apply for VA benefits rather than receive the benefits of a medical retirement. However, I do understand from a political point of view why this should develop. We have been involved in some very expensive wars and are currently bogged down in Iraq. Every time the funding comes up in Congress, there is a fight. If wounded troops are medically retired, their pay and benefits continue to be part of the DOD budget, but if they are discharged, their benefits are part of the VA budget, a hidden cost of war.
From my own experience of care in the nearly twenty-five years that I have received medical care from VA facilities, I can say that they will receive care as good as or better than civilian medical care. However, when dealing with procedural issues, I sometimes have to remind myself that it is run by the government and derived from the military. Furthermore, I have talked to enough of our staff to know that many of them are reservists who would bring with them military medical experience which would make the care close to that of a military hospital. Nevertheless, it is not quality of care that concerns me, but rather responsibility for care.
What Marine would want to continue to serve in a Marine Corps that doesn't care for its own? What airman would want to continue to serve in an Air Force that doesn't care for its own? What sailor would want to continue to serve in a Navy that doesn't care for its own? What soldier would want to continue to serve in an Army that doesn't care for its own? Nevertheless, this seems to be what the politicians have given us.
I am so grateful that we have a VA medical care system that takes good care of our wounded warriors. At least the nation as a whole is not abandoning them. Furthermore, we are blessed with staff throughout the Department of Veterans Affairs who distinguish themselves as more than just bureaucrats. They have kept up the level of service in spite of continual underfunding. This is particularly evident at James A Haley VA Medical Center, the busiest VA hospital in the country which is further stressed by the influx of “snow birds” every winter. In the more than twenty years that I have received care there, I have never had less than the best of care, better than any health plan has ever given me.
As a Buddhist today I could never kill anyone, but I cannot disrespect warriors who have taken on the commitment to protect me. I really can't hold them accountable for the wars into which the politicians send them, even when the “enemy” poses no real threat to us. The true warriors' goal is to serve others which is the basis of altruistic motivation.
When I was on active duty, that principle meant, among other things, that when some was injured on duty the services didn't just put them out. In fact, after my motor vehicle accident (not even a combat injury), when authorization came through for my discharge, I was informed that I had to be “fit for full duty” before I could be discharged. Furthermore, a member of my unit during my first hitch developed diabetes. Although it could not be considered “service connected,” it prevented him from continuing his enlistment, but he could never become “fit for full duty.” Therefore, the Navy medically retired him with the appropriate benefits, a percentage of base pay, exchange privileges, commissary privileges, and hospital care for life.
In contrast, I repeatedly hear of men and women wounded in combat zones with injuries severe enough to never be declared “fit for full duty” being discharged while under medical care. Furthermore, they must apply for VA benefits rather than receive the benefits of a medical retirement. However, I do understand from a political point of view why this should develop. We have been involved in some very expensive wars and are currently bogged down in Iraq. Every time the funding comes up in Congress, there is a fight. If wounded troops are medically retired, their pay and benefits continue to be part of the DOD budget, but if they are discharged, their benefits are part of the VA budget, a hidden cost of war.
From my own experience of care in the nearly twenty-five years that I have received medical care from VA facilities, I can say that they will receive care as good as or better than civilian medical care. However, when dealing with procedural issues, I sometimes have to remind myself that it is run by the government and derived from the military. Furthermore, I have talked to enough of our staff to know that many of them are reservists who would bring with them military medical experience which would make the care close to that of a military hospital. Nevertheless, it is not quality of care that concerns me, but rather responsibility for care.
What Marine would want to continue to serve in a Marine Corps that doesn't care for its own? What airman would want to continue to serve in an Air Force that doesn't care for its own? What sailor would want to continue to serve in a Navy that doesn't care for its own? What soldier would want to continue to serve in an Army that doesn't care for its own? Nevertheless, this seems to be what the politicians have given us.
I am so grateful that we have a VA medical care system that takes good care of our wounded warriors. At least the nation as a whole is not abandoning them. Furthermore, we are blessed with staff throughout the Department of Veterans Affairs who distinguish themselves as more than just bureaucrats. They have kept up the level of service in spite of continual underfunding. This is particularly evident at James A Haley VA Medical Center, the busiest VA hospital in the country which is further stressed by the influx of “snow birds” every winter. In the more than twenty years that I have received care there, I have never had less than the best of care, better than any health plan has ever given me.
As a Buddhist today I could never kill anyone, but I cannot disrespect warriors who have taken on the commitment to protect me. I really can't hold them accountable for the wars into which the politicians send them, even when the “enemy” poses no real threat to us. The true warriors' goal is to serve others which is the basis of altruistic motivation.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 22 – Progress, Maybe
As of today, I have only seven radiation treatment sessions remaining. Yesterday, I had an appointment at the Urology Oncology clinic, which turned out to be not particularly informative. However, they did let me know what to expect after the treatments are completed. First of all, they explained that immediately after the course of treatment is finished, we will not know whether it has been effective on the cancer. Second, my PSA may not come down for several months or even as long as a year. Furthermore, this part of the process will be followed in RTU by the Radiation Oncologist who will eventually release me back to the Urology Oncology clinic for long term monitoring. That clinic will look for any sign that the cancer has returned.
Personally, I have full confidence that I shall completely recover and become a cancer survivor. I have survived so many other things in my lifetime already. There is no reason that I should not survive this as well. I have even bought a T-shirt at a thrift shop already that says “I am a cancer survivor.” I fully expect to be just that.
In coming weeks, I look forward to recovering from the radiation therapy side effects. As soon as I am over the fatigue that has plagued me I plan to take two bikes and make my own recumbent bicycle out of them. I already have the plans for how to do it. Then I shall start riding it to get some exercise. That, together with using fat free protein shakes as substitutes for some meals, can be the start of my personal weight loss program. My primary care physician has agreed that it is a good plan. The reason for the recumbent bicycle is that I won't be ready to straddle a regular one for some time after the cancer and the radiation treatments, if ever.
Furthermore, I have so much work that needs to be done around my house and in my yard. Inside the house I need to make preparations for having a kitten. That is something for which I am looking forward with great expectation. After the death of my cat I have felt such loneliness in my home, but I know that having a kitten rather than an adult cat will require certain changes in the house.
In addition to that, there are so many things that need to be done to the yard. The weeds have thrived and the shrubs have gotten shaggy and the Turk's caps have grown so very tall. Those as well as other things require some attention, but I haven't had the energy to even avail myself of the help that friends have offered for this. When my energy comes back, I shall again work on such things even if they require help from younger folks.
The other things that I've missed because of fatigue are the activities at the Dharma Center. I really look forward to that, especially the upcoming teachings in February. I've missed seeing my vajra brothers and sisters. Furthermore, there have been teachings offered nearby with other groups that I haven't been able to attend. However, I look forward with great expectation to celebrating Vietnamese New Year at their temple and Kaleisia Tea Lounge this weekend.
Personally, I have full confidence that I shall completely recover and become a cancer survivor. I have survived so many other things in my lifetime already. There is no reason that I should not survive this as well. I have even bought a T-shirt at a thrift shop already that says “I am a cancer survivor.” I fully expect to be just that.
In coming weeks, I look forward to recovering from the radiation therapy side effects. As soon as I am over the fatigue that has plagued me I plan to take two bikes and make my own recumbent bicycle out of them. I already have the plans for how to do it. Then I shall start riding it to get some exercise. That, together with using fat free protein shakes as substitutes for some meals, can be the start of my personal weight loss program. My primary care physician has agreed that it is a good plan. The reason for the recumbent bicycle is that I won't be ready to straddle a regular one for some time after the cancer and the radiation treatments, if ever.
Furthermore, I have so much work that needs to be done around my house and in my yard. Inside the house I need to make preparations for having a kitten. That is something for which I am looking forward with great expectation. After the death of my cat I have felt such loneliness in my home, but I know that having a kitten rather than an adult cat will require certain changes in the house.
In addition to that, there are so many things that need to be done to the yard. The weeds have thrived and the shrubs have gotten shaggy and the Turk's caps have grown so very tall. Those as well as other things require some attention, but I haven't had the energy to even avail myself of the help that friends have offered for this. When my energy comes back, I shall again work on such things even if they require help from younger folks.
The other things that I've missed because of fatigue are the activities at the Dharma Center. I really look forward to that, especially the upcoming teachings in February. I've missed seeing my vajra brothers and sisters. Furthermore, there have been teachings offered nearby with other groups that I haven't been able to attend. However, I look forward with great expectation to celebrating Vietnamese New Year at their temple and Kaleisia Tea Lounge this weekend.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 21 – I Don't Want to Go
This morning I felt and thought, “I don't want to go.” This isn't the first time that I have harbored that sentiment. Each time I find something that keeps me going. It is a little like my pilgrimage to the Wat Florida Dhammaram when I was circumambulating the last of the four shrines. I was getting very tired, but I could tell myself, “Just a little longer. Just a little farther.” Thus I was able to keep the minimum I had set for myself in my pilgrimage.
I guess this is the lesson in perseverance that is contained in this present journey. Today, as I thought about the lady who was going out of her way to drive me to my treatments these three days, “How can I disrespect the gift she is giving me?” This enabled me to get ready and meet my friend when she drove up here.
As long as I persevere in this “Journey,” I will reach its proper end and even grow spiritually by it. Not only that, but I might benefit other beings as well. Besides that, perseverance is essential to enlightenment. If one quits before enlightenment is attained, one will be forced to continue to be reborn until one again has “precious human life.” Furthermore, such a rebirth is rare and even then will require starting over on the path, if indeed the path is found and not wasted with useless endeavors like acquisitiveness. Within my memory is a previous lifetime during which I became a Tibetan Buddhist monk, but I have no idea how many intervening centuries have passed since then or how many rebirths I have been through in that time. Nevertheless, I have found my way back this path, albeit very late in this lifetime. It would be so foolish to waste the remaining time that I have to either achieve enlightenment or to prepare for my death in such a way that I may attain it either in death or in the bardo. In such a case, any rebirth would not be the fruit of karmic seeds planted in this lifetime but rather the Bodhisattva's choice to benefit all sentient beings.
As I said, I went on to my treatment today. On the way, I read to my driver from a humorous list, “What Doctors Say And What They Really Mean.” I also shared this with one of the other guys also waiting for his radiation treatment. As a witchy friend recommended that I watch comedy movies, I have found that there is value in humor when going through what could otherwise be a bleak and depressing experience. Our attitude and perspective has everything to do with how we experience the events of our lives and what we do with them. I have often said that the difficult, painful, trying circumstances of life can either tender or harden our hearts, whichever we choose. I think I would rather grow in compassion rather than indifference or hostility.
My treatment today went uneventfully, as expected, except that for the second day in a row five physical positions rather than six were used on the linear accelerator. It does seem that an adjustment has been made to my radiation therapy. Furthermore, today's treatment puts me over ¾ finished with with the whole course of these sessions. On top of that, I shall be enjoying the rest I get over this three day weekend. Perhaps I can get my truck back on the road tomorrow and even have energy to help rebuild the sweat lodge at All World Acres the next day.
In the coming week, I will have another test of my perseverance with respect to a very long day when I'll have an early morning appointment with Urology Oncology and still have my afternoon appointment for treatment. Even the day before that won't exactly be easy, because I will have to go in for fasting labs before the radiation therapy session, allowing time for a meal, with a Primary Care appointment as a follow up to my last hospitalization. Since my sister is accustomed to the VA Hospital, I'll try to drive myself with her accompanying me. For someone unaccustomed to it the place can be a bit much for a whole day or even half a day. I'll contact my friends about helping with some of the other days that remain.
Tonight I am even practicing perseverance in keeping up my intake of healthy mushrooms, broccoli, and miso broth in the form of my enhanced Ramen noodles. For the sake of not forgetting everything I have ever learned, I am even eating them with chopsticks to whatever extent I am able. However, I'll need to either drink the broth or use a spoon. My green tea is Long Jing (Dragon Well) tea which I have shared with Achi Chokyi Drolma as a tea offering for the benefit of myself and all sentient beings.
I guess this is the lesson in perseverance that is contained in this present journey. Today, as I thought about the lady who was going out of her way to drive me to my treatments these three days, “How can I disrespect the gift she is giving me?” This enabled me to get ready and meet my friend when she drove up here.
As long as I persevere in this “Journey,” I will reach its proper end and even grow spiritually by it. Not only that, but I might benefit other beings as well. Besides that, perseverance is essential to enlightenment. If one quits before enlightenment is attained, one will be forced to continue to be reborn until one again has “precious human life.” Furthermore, such a rebirth is rare and even then will require starting over on the path, if indeed the path is found and not wasted with useless endeavors like acquisitiveness. Within my memory is a previous lifetime during which I became a Tibetan Buddhist monk, but I have no idea how many intervening centuries have passed since then or how many rebirths I have been through in that time. Nevertheless, I have found my way back this path, albeit very late in this lifetime. It would be so foolish to waste the remaining time that I have to either achieve enlightenment or to prepare for my death in such a way that I may attain it either in death or in the bardo. In such a case, any rebirth would not be the fruit of karmic seeds planted in this lifetime but rather the Bodhisattva's choice to benefit all sentient beings.
As I said, I went on to my treatment today. On the way, I read to my driver from a humorous list, “What Doctors Say And What They Really Mean.” I also shared this with one of the other guys also waiting for his radiation treatment. As a witchy friend recommended that I watch comedy movies, I have found that there is value in humor when going through what could otherwise be a bleak and depressing experience. Our attitude and perspective has everything to do with how we experience the events of our lives and what we do with them. I have often said that the difficult, painful, trying circumstances of life can either tender or harden our hearts, whichever we choose. I think I would rather grow in compassion rather than indifference or hostility.
My treatment today went uneventfully, as expected, except that for the second day in a row five physical positions rather than six were used on the linear accelerator. It does seem that an adjustment has been made to my radiation therapy. Furthermore, today's treatment puts me over ¾ finished with with the whole course of these sessions. On top of that, I shall be enjoying the rest I get over this three day weekend. Perhaps I can get my truck back on the road tomorrow and even have energy to help rebuild the sweat lodge at All World Acres the next day.
In the coming week, I will have another test of my perseverance with respect to a very long day when I'll have an early morning appointment with Urology Oncology and still have my afternoon appointment for treatment. Even the day before that won't exactly be easy, because I will have to go in for fasting labs before the radiation therapy session, allowing time for a meal, with a Primary Care appointment as a follow up to my last hospitalization. Since my sister is accustomed to the VA Hospital, I'll try to drive myself with her accompanying me. For someone unaccustomed to it the place can be a bit much for a whole day or even half a day. I'll contact my friends about helping with some of the other days that remain.
Tonight I am even practicing perseverance in keeping up my intake of healthy mushrooms, broccoli, and miso broth in the form of my enhanced Ramen noodles. For the sake of not forgetting everything I have ever learned, I am even eating them with chopsticks to whatever extent I am able. However, I'll need to either drink the broth or use a spoon. My green tea is Long Jing (Dragon Well) tea which I have shared with Achi Chokyi Drolma as a tea offering for the benefit of myself and all sentient beings.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 20 – More About Treatment Progress
Since I first started radiation treatments, each day's dose was divided into beams of a brief duration from six positions. Apparently my case went back to the physicists for some fine tuning based on the latest X-rays, because today's session only had five positions. It feels like we have the cancer retreating and we are pursuing it to keep it from finding any hiding place. I realize that this is a very unscientific way of looking at it, but science isn't everything.
I chose to follow the course of “scientific” medical treatment, complemented and enhanced by alternative therapies. However, there are also those who pursue alternative treatments totally and successfully. I have a friend who has had several forms of cancer which have been treated with a “Rife machine.” Although “medical science” rejects the principles behind the device, my friend has again successfully recovered from this latest cancer. Others have followed Ayurvedic or Traditional Chinese Medicine treatments which have worked for them.
I personally believe that all the medical systems work, whether Ayurvedic, Traditional Chinese, Western Allopathic, Western Osteopathic, Western Homeopathic, Western Chiropractic, and so on. Regardless of their widely divergent theories to explain disease and the basis of their treatments, they all are successful in treating diseases and disorders. However, each system has its own range of effectiveness. In other words, each one has certain things that it handles well and other things that it can't seem to touch. Furthermore, I believe that the fundamental theories underlying and explaining each of these medical systems are totally irrelevant, because the true nature of reality is different from what we believe it to be.
There are so many indicators pointing to this truth. Physics and other sciences talk about the “observer effect” whereby the act of observation will make changes on the phenomenon being observed. Psychology speaks of the subjective nature of perception. In quantum physics, the Heisenberg uncertainty principle states that the values of certain pairs of conjugate variables (position and momentum, for instance) cannot both be known with arbitrary precision. In astrophysics we have the “holographic theory” of the universe. In Tibetan Buddhism we have the principle of “karmic vision” whereby beings who share a common karma also share similar perceptions.
In the sciences one new theory succeeds another,each seeming to be the ultimate truth. Nevertheless the limits of each theory are reached and new discoveries point to the next theory. However, as Sogyal Rinpoche writes, “A realized being, or a buddha, will perceive the world as spontaneously perfect, a completely and dazzlingly pure realm. Since they have purified all the causes of karmic vision, they see everything in its naked, primordial sacredness.”
All our theories are fabrications of limited value. For the most part they serve to satisfy the needs of our ordinary mind, what Tibetans call sem. According to Sogyal Rinpoche, “Sem is the discursive, dualistic, thinking mind, which can only function in relation to a projected and falsely perceived external reference point.” It is this that needs such theories. Nevertheless, it is this ordinary mind that we seek to transcend to find the true nature of mind in enlightenment.
I chose to follow the course of “scientific” medical treatment, complemented and enhanced by alternative therapies. However, there are also those who pursue alternative treatments totally and successfully. I have a friend who has had several forms of cancer which have been treated with a “Rife machine.” Although “medical science” rejects the principles behind the device, my friend has again successfully recovered from this latest cancer. Others have followed Ayurvedic or Traditional Chinese Medicine treatments which have worked for them.
I personally believe that all the medical systems work, whether Ayurvedic, Traditional Chinese, Western Allopathic, Western Osteopathic, Western Homeopathic, Western Chiropractic, and so on. Regardless of their widely divergent theories to explain disease and the basis of their treatments, they all are successful in treating diseases and disorders. However, each system has its own range of effectiveness. In other words, each one has certain things that it handles well and other things that it can't seem to touch. Furthermore, I believe that the fundamental theories underlying and explaining each of these medical systems are totally irrelevant, because the true nature of reality is different from what we believe it to be.
There are so many indicators pointing to this truth. Physics and other sciences talk about the “observer effect” whereby the act of observation will make changes on the phenomenon being observed. Psychology speaks of the subjective nature of perception. In quantum physics, the Heisenberg uncertainty principle states that the values of certain pairs of conjugate variables (position and momentum, for instance) cannot both be known with arbitrary precision. In astrophysics we have the “holographic theory” of the universe. In Tibetan Buddhism we have the principle of “karmic vision” whereby beings who share a common karma also share similar perceptions.
In the sciences one new theory succeeds another,each seeming to be the ultimate truth. Nevertheless the limits of each theory are reached and new discoveries point to the next theory. However, as Sogyal Rinpoche writes, “A realized being, or a buddha, will perceive the world as spontaneously perfect, a completely and dazzlingly pure realm. Since they have purified all the causes of karmic vision, they see everything in its naked, primordial sacredness.”
All our theories are fabrications of limited value. For the most part they serve to satisfy the needs of our ordinary mind, what Tibetans call sem. According to Sogyal Rinpoche, “Sem is the discursive, dualistic, thinking mind, which can only function in relation to a projected and falsely perceived external reference point.” It is this that needs such theories. Nevertheless, it is this ordinary mind that we seek to transcend to find the true nature of mind in enlightenment.
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 20 – The “Golden Hour” and Treatment Progress
In Emergency Medicine, particularly Trauma Care, there is often talk of the “Golden Hour,” the first hour after the injuries, during which the efforts of emergency staff have the greatest potential benefit. I have my own version of the “Golden Hour,” the first hour or more after each treatment during which I cannot feel any particular effects of that treatment. For that period of time I don't have any new skin, urinary, or hemorrhoid irritation. After that I have to deal with them and to continue to be grateful that I don't have any worse side effects. Since I'm now almost ¾ of the way through my course of treatment, that is a cause for gratitude.
Since I started treatment, every week new X-rays are taken and I see a radiation oncologist, but I don't get any information on the progress of my treatment. They never tell me whether my tumor has changed. I can understand the matter of protocol that requires that the doctors who sent me for treatment would be the ones who inform me about my case. However, today my treatment was delayed for the oncologist to check the X-rays that were taken yesterday. I had to press the techs for the reason for that delay. They had to admit that the doctor had to approve the slight adjustment to the treatment necessitated by my prostate shrinking a little. I do realize that this still needs to be further explained by the Urology Oncologist that I'll see next week, but it is very encouraging.
I feel like there are a lot of us working on my recovery from this cancer. I'm working on keeping the best frame of mind for healing and keeping up healthy nutrition. My sister is trying to keep my meals healthy. My friends who are Reiki practitioners or other kinds of energy healers have worked on me directly and are sending me healing energy. On top of this Tong Ren practitioners have worked on me. Furthermore, I have people who are praying for me and vajra brothers and sisters dedicating their practice for my health. With all of this on top of the traditional treatment how could I not be getting better?
Since I started treatment, every week new X-rays are taken and I see a radiation oncologist, but I don't get any information on the progress of my treatment. They never tell me whether my tumor has changed. I can understand the matter of protocol that requires that the doctors who sent me for treatment would be the ones who inform me about my case. However, today my treatment was delayed for the oncologist to check the X-rays that were taken yesterday. I had to press the techs for the reason for that delay. They had to admit that the doctor had to approve the slight adjustment to the treatment necessitated by my prostate shrinking a little. I do realize that this still needs to be further explained by the Urology Oncologist that I'll see next week, but it is very encouraging.
I feel like there are a lot of us working on my recovery from this cancer. I'm working on keeping the best frame of mind for healing and keeping up healthy nutrition. My sister is trying to keep my meals healthy. My friends who are Reiki practitioners or other kinds of energy healers have worked on me directly and are sending me healing energy. On top of this Tong Ren practitioners have worked on me. Furthermore, I have people who are praying for me and vajra brothers and sisters dedicating their practice for my health. With all of this on top of the traditional treatment how could I not be getting better?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 19 – My Pilgrimage
Yesterday I again went on pilgrimage to the holy places of Lord Buddha Shakyamuni's life. I was able to visit the Vihara Maha Mayadevi, built in commemoration of the Buddha's birthplace in Lumbini Nepal, the Mahabodhi Temple of Bodgaya India, the Dhamekha Stupa of Sarnath India, and the Parinibbana Temple of Kusinara India. Most wondrously I did this all in less than one day, without even leaving Florida. Such a moving spiritual experience is made possible because Wat Florida Dhammaram has constructed replicas of the sacred places of pilgrimage in honor Lord Buddha as they are found in India. Therefore, by riding with friends from my home in Plant City to Kissimmee, I was able to make prostrations in the main temple of Wat Florida Dhammaram and then go to each of these shrines.
I knew my energy was limited. Therefore, I planned course which should be within my capabilities. After prostrations, mantra recitations, and a short meditation in the main temple, I first went to the Vihara Maha Mayadevi where I made prostrations, recited the mantra for one round of my mala, and spent an interval meditating while gazing at the statue of the Baby Buddha. I had next intended to circumambulate the giant statue of the Walking Buddha, but I decided that I needed to conserve my energy to be able to complete the remainder of the pilgrimage. Therefore, I went next to the Mahabodhi Temple where I first went in to make prostrations and lit incense and then circumambulated the shrine chanting the mantra for one round of my mala. Although I might have liked to make a certain specific number of circuits of the shrine, I thought it better to regard the one mala round as the minimum time spent circumambulating each shrine. After that I went into the shrine, made prostrations, chanted one mala round of the mantra, and spent a little time meditating while gazing at the Buddha statue.
Next I went to the Dhamekha Stupa where again I first went inside to make prostrations and lit incense and then circumambulated the shrine chanting the mantra for one round of my mala. After that I went into the shrine, made prostrations, chanted one mala round of the mantra, and spent a little time meditating while gazing at the Buddha statue. Although I had intended that my pilgrimage visits proceed uninterrupted, my bodily necessities forced me to make a trip to the rest room before continuing.
Finally I went to the Parinibbana Temple where yet again I first went inside to make prostrations and lit incense and then circumambulated the shrine chanting the mantra for one round of my mala. This time, however, I had to push myself to complete the circuambulations by telling myself, “Just a little longer. Just a little farther,”each time I felt like quitting. After that I went into the shrine, made prostrations, chanted one mala round of the mantra, and spent a little time meditating while gazing at the Buddha statue.
At this point I was too fatigued to go back into the main temple, but had to rest a little while before leaving. Although my body was quite tired, I was very invigorated in spirit and even found energy to go with my friends when they went into a couple of the stores nearby. While my friends, a pair of lesbian ladies young enough to be my daughters, wanted to go to an Indian restaurant, I persuaded them that we should drive on into Orlando both because I doubted that my stomach could tolerate Indian food right now (no matter how much I might want to eat it) and because I wanted to introduce them to some cool places in Orlando. Therefore, we ate lunch at Dandelion Communitea and afterward went to visit the Knowledge for Spiritual Living Wholeness Center and the Spiral Circle Bookstore. Unfortunately, Knowledge for Spiritual Living Wholeness Center was already closed for the day, I suspect, because the children's event in the afternoon had worn out the adults involved, just like these children were wearing me out in spite of my thoroughly enjoying being with them. Perhaps I should have followed one lady's lead when she was sitting at one of the picnic tables outside, because they had a water fight after the meal. Much to the credit of Dandelion's staff and clientèle, they didn't throw us out or even seem to pay any attention to us.
We then went to the Spiral Circle Bookstore which I believe impressed the ladies, especially when I told the how long the store had been there. There I bought a little incense and a bar of Ayurvedic soap like my friend Marybeth had given me. We then went looking for a store called Avalon. After much driving around and several phone calls, we found it one street over from Dandelion Communitea. Avalon is a Pagan/Wiccan store with books, crystals, herbs, oils and so much more. There I bought a little more incense, because they had one I like that I don't often see. After that we went to an art supply store called Sam Flax that one of the ladies had seen. There, inspired by the thought of getting back to drawing like I did when I was much younger, I bought a unique felt tip pen and brush combination. Hopefully, I will put it to good use. Perhaps I can make little cards with inspiring Tibetan words on them.
Finally, we started back toward Plant City where quiche and rice pudding awaited us at my sister's house, but we had one more quick stop at a store selling Chinese herbs. At this point fatigue had overwhelmed me and I waited for them in the van. By the time we got to my sister's house, we were ready for a little supper of quiche and a dish made from brown rice and quinoa, followed by rice pudding with fruit in it.
When they were leaving one of the ladies thanked me as she had done several times during the day. Again I tried to explain to her that there was nothing for which she should be thanking me, but I had so much for which I thanked them. Together they had given me such a wonderful day. Once again, it seems that this “Journey” is not for myself alone, but for the benefit of others as well.
I knew my energy was limited. Therefore, I planned course which should be within my capabilities. After prostrations, mantra recitations, and a short meditation in the main temple, I first went to the Vihara Maha Mayadevi where I made prostrations, recited the mantra for one round of my mala, and spent an interval meditating while gazing at the statue of the Baby Buddha. I had next intended to circumambulate the giant statue of the Walking Buddha, but I decided that I needed to conserve my energy to be able to complete the remainder of the pilgrimage. Therefore, I went next to the Mahabodhi Temple where I first went in to make prostrations and lit incense and then circumambulated the shrine chanting the mantra for one round of my mala. Although I might have liked to make a certain specific number of circuits of the shrine, I thought it better to regard the one mala round as the minimum time spent circumambulating each shrine. After that I went into the shrine, made prostrations, chanted one mala round of the mantra, and spent a little time meditating while gazing at the Buddha statue.
Next I went to the Dhamekha Stupa where again I first went inside to make prostrations and lit incense and then circumambulated the shrine chanting the mantra for one round of my mala. After that I went into the shrine, made prostrations, chanted one mala round of the mantra, and spent a little time meditating while gazing at the Buddha statue. Although I had intended that my pilgrimage visits proceed uninterrupted, my bodily necessities forced me to make a trip to the rest room before continuing.
Finally I went to the Parinibbana Temple where yet again I first went inside to make prostrations and lit incense and then circumambulated the shrine chanting the mantra for one round of my mala. This time, however, I had to push myself to complete the circuambulations by telling myself, “Just a little longer. Just a little farther,”each time I felt like quitting. After that I went into the shrine, made prostrations, chanted one mala round of the mantra, and spent a little time meditating while gazing at the Buddha statue.
At this point I was too fatigued to go back into the main temple, but had to rest a little while before leaving. Although my body was quite tired, I was very invigorated in spirit and even found energy to go with my friends when they went into a couple of the stores nearby. While my friends, a pair of lesbian ladies young enough to be my daughters, wanted to go to an Indian restaurant, I persuaded them that we should drive on into Orlando both because I doubted that my stomach could tolerate Indian food right now (no matter how much I might want to eat it) and because I wanted to introduce them to some cool places in Orlando. Therefore, we ate lunch at Dandelion Communitea and afterward went to visit the Knowledge for Spiritual Living Wholeness Center and the Spiral Circle Bookstore. Unfortunately, Knowledge for Spiritual Living Wholeness Center was already closed for the day, I suspect, because the children's event in the afternoon had worn out the adults involved, just like these children were wearing me out in spite of my thoroughly enjoying being with them. Perhaps I should have followed one lady's lead when she was sitting at one of the picnic tables outside, because they had a water fight after the meal. Much to the credit of Dandelion's staff and clientèle, they didn't throw us out or even seem to pay any attention to us.
We then went to the Spiral Circle Bookstore which I believe impressed the ladies, especially when I told the how long the store had been there. There I bought a little incense and a bar of Ayurvedic soap like my friend Marybeth had given me. We then went looking for a store called Avalon. After much driving around and several phone calls, we found it one street over from Dandelion Communitea. Avalon is a Pagan/Wiccan store with books, crystals, herbs, oils and so much more. There I bought a little more incense, because they had one I like that I don't often see. After that we went to an art supply store called Sam Flax that one of the ladies had seen. There, inspired by the thought of getting back to drawing like I did when I was much younger, I bought a unique felt tip pen and brush combination. Hopefully, I will put it to good use. Perhaps I can make little cards with inspiring Tibetan words on them.
Finally, we started back toward Plant City where quiche and rice pudding awaited us at my sister's house, but we had one more quick stop at a store selling Chinese herbs. At this point fatigue had overwhelmed me and I waited for them in the van. By the time we got to my sister's house, we were ready for a little supper of quiche and a dish made from brown rice and quinoa, followed by rice pudding with fruit in it.
When they were leaving one of the ladies thanked me as she had done several times during the day. Again I tried to explain to her that there was nothing for which she should be thanking me, but I had so much for which I thanked them. Together they had given me such a wonderful day. Once again, it seems that this “Journey” is not for myself alone, but for the benefit of others as well.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 18 – My “Just in Case” Bag
A few years ago I was having such trouble with cellulitis in my left leg that I often had to go to the VA Hospital to see a doctor for an unscheduled visit. Sometimes I would have to be admitted to the Hospital to be put on IV antibiotics. This happened often enough that I started packing and taking what I called my “just in case bag.” I would have a change of clothes for discharge time, plenty of underwear and socks, books and other things to pass the time and maintain my spiritual practice, and sometimes even my laptop. There were intervals when the bag would stay mostly packed for weeks at a stretch. Fortunately, I haven't had to do this for a while.
Today, I got an early start on the day's activities because when I woke early, although it was early, it was also too late to go back to sleep without risking oversleeping on a day that I was supposed to arrive early for my treatment. Therefore, since my check was already in my account, I sat down to the computer and paid my bills and then set out to run my errands before the drive to the Hospital. I even treated myself to a grits-and-eggs breakfast at a local restaurant where I last ate over thirty years ago. The morning progressed very well with me getting a lot done very efficiently, even managing to find an almost new tripod at Goodwill for $3.09. With my long-standing prostate problems and my newer radiation side effects, one of the keys to such an expedition is keeping myself within reach of clean rest rooms along my path. In fact, the stop at Goodwill was for just that reason.
This morning, as I said, was going very well. I had reached the point that I only had two more stops before I would head to the VA Hospital for my treatment, but I again had to find a rest room. Unfortunately, I did not get there fast enough and I had an “accident.” When I got back into the truck, I could smell the urine. Instead of getting to RTU early, I had to go home to change clothes before I could go there. After getting cleaned up and changed, I wound up late enough that I was the last patient they treated today.
I was so embarrassed by the odor and so disappointed by going from being ahead of schedule to being late. I have decided that I will start packing another “just in case bag.” This one will have a complete change of clothes and the adult wipes they use in the hospitals. I'll have to keep this in my truck at all times to handle situations like this.
I once heard that if one is not truly humble, one has to “be humbled.” I guess that this may be a measure of that happening. In any case it is just one more thing that I have to deal with on this particular journey. As with everything else it is not only for my benefit but for the benefit of everyone. In that regard, I'm sure I am not the only one with this kind of experience.
BTW, Happy New Year.
I'm bringing in the new year blogging?
Today, I got an early start on the day's activities because when I woke early, although it was early, it was also too late to go back to sleep without risking oversleeping on a day that I was supposed to arrive early for my treatment. Therefore, since my check was already in my account, I sat down to the computer and paid my bills and then set out to run my errands before the drive to the Hospital. I even treated myself to a grits-and-eggs breakfast at a local restaurant where I last ate over thirty years ago. The morning progressed very well with me getting a lot done very efficiently, even managing to find an almost new tripod at Goodwill for $3.09. With my long-standing prostate problems and my newer radiation side effects, one of the keys to such an expedition is keeping myself within reach of clean rest rooms along my path. In fact, the stop at Goodwill was for just that reason.
This morning, as I said, was going very well. I had reached the point that I only had two more stops before I would head to the VA Hospital for my treatment, but I again had to find a rest room. Unfortunately, I did not get there fast enough and I had an “accident.” When I got back into the truck, I could smell the urine. Instead of getting to RTU early, I had to go home to change clothes before I could go there. After getting cleaned up and changed, I wound up late enough that I was the last patient they treated today.
I was so embarrassed by the odor and so disappointed by going from being ahead of schedule to being late. I have decided that I will start packing another “just in case bag.” This one will have a complete change of clothes and the adult wipes they use in the hospitals. I'll have to keep this in my truck at all times to handle situations like this.
I once heard that if one is not truly humble, one has to “be humbled.” I guess that this may be a measure of that happening. In any case it is just one more thing that I have to deal with on this particular journey. As with everything else it is not only for my benefit but for the benefit of everyone. In that regard, I'm sure I am not the only one with this kind of experience.
BTW, Happy New Year.
I'm bringing in the new year blogging?
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