Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 21 – I Don't Want to Go

This morning I felt and thought, “I don't want to go.” This isn't the first time that I have harbored that sentiment. Each time I find something that keeps me going. It is a little like my pilgrimage to the Wat Florida Dhammaram when I was circumambulating the last of the four shrines. I was getting very tired, but I could tell myself, “Just a little longer. Just a little farther.” Thus I was able to keep the minimum I had set for myself in my pilgrimage.
I guess this is the lesson in perseverance that is contained in this present journey. Today, as I thought about the lady who was going out of her way to drive me to my treatments these three days, “How can I disrespect the gift she is giving me?” This enabled me to get ready and meet my friend when she drove up here.
As long as I persevere in this “Journey,” I will reach its proper end and even grow spiritually by it. Not only that, but I might benefit other beings as well. Besides that, perseverance is essential to enlightenment. If one quits before enlightenment is attained, one will be forced to continue to be reborn until one again has “precious human life.” Furthermore, such a rebirth is rare and even then will require starting over on the path, if indeed the path is found and not wasted with useless endeavors like acquisitiveness. Within my memory is a previous lifetime during which I became a Tibetan Buddhist monk, but I have no idea how many intervening centuries have passed since then or how many rebirths I have been through in that time. Nevertheless, I have found my way back this path, albeit very late in this lifetime. It would be so foolish to waste the remaining time that I have to either achieve enlightenment or to prepare for my death in such a way that I may attain it either in death or in the bardo. In such a case, any rebirth would not be the fruit of karmic seeds planted in this lifetime but rather the Bodhisattva's choice to benefit all sentient beings.
As I said, I went on to my treatment today. On the way, I read to my driver from a humorous list, “What Doctors Say And What They Really Mean.” I also shared this with one of the other guys also waiting for his radiation treatment. As a witchy friend recommended that I watch comedy movies, I have found that there is value in humor when going through what could otherwise be a bleak and depressing experience. Our attitude and perspective has everything to do with how we experience the events of our lives and what we do with them. I have often said that the difficult, painful, trying circumstances of life can either tender or harden our hearts, whichever we choose. I think I would rather grow in compassion rather than indifference or hostility.
My treatment today went uneventfully, as expected, except that for the second day in a row five physical positions rather than six were used on the linear accelerator. It does seem that an adjustment has been made to my radiation therapy. Furthermore, today's treatment puts me over ¾ finished with with the whole course of these sessions. On top of that, I shall be enjoying the rest I get over this three day weekend. Perhaps I can get my truck back on the road tomorrow and even have energy to help rebuild the sweat lodge at All World Acres the next day.
In the coming week, I will have another test of my perseverance with respect to a very long day when I'll have an early morning appointment with Urology Oncology and still have my afternoon appointment for treatment. Even the day before that won't exactly be easy, because I will have to go in for fasting labs before the radiation therapy session, allowing time for a meal, with a Primary Care appointment as a follow up to my last hospitalization. Since my sister is accustomed to the VA Hospital, I'll try to drive myself with her accompanying me. For someone unaccustomed to it the place can be a bit much for a whole day or even half a day. I'll contact my friends about helping with some of the other days that remain.
Tonight I am even practicing perseverance in keeping up my intake of healthy mushrooms, broccoli, and miso broth in the form of my enhanced Ramen noodles. For the sake of not forgetting everything I have ever learned, I am even eating them with chopsticks to whatever extent I am able. However, I'll need to either drink the broth or use a spoon. My green tea is Long Jing (Dragon Well) tea which I have shared with Achi Chokyi Drolma as a tea offering for the benefit of myself and all sentient beings.