Journey Through Cancer Chapter 34 - Recovery and Decisions

This week I got some very good news. Although it isn't the official word from the oncologist, the PSA test ordered by my Primary Care Physician resulted in a normal reading which, as he said, is “heading in the right direction.” That, combined with the absence of the symptoms of even BPH, gives me a high degree of confidence that we have destroyed the tumor. Of course, I still need to hear it from the oncologist for it to be “official.” Nevertheless, I rejoice at this finding and have begun to make some plans.
I signed up for the VA Hospital's weight loss program. I had already started working on losing some weight by using the protein shakes as a substitute for some of my meals. Now I will have professional support and advice to assist me in reaching this goal. As my Primary Care doctor said, when I told him about my weight loss goal, if I lose the weight he can take me off some of my present meds. That is a beautiful prospect, especially since we have been able to eliminate a couple now that my cancer treatments are finished.
As I think about my future as a cancer survivor, I come back to the question of whether I should be a monk. An honest and impartial review of the history of my romantic relationships reveals that I really haven't had any. Through all of my high school years I only had a couple of dates and those were chaperoned, In college it was little better. In my whole life the only two women that showed any interest in me did so for their own ulterior motives. My ex-wife saw me as the perfect husband to get her son out of foster care and the lady sailor that I met while the divorce was pending just wanted the pleasure of sex without any attachments. Likewise, an honest assessment of my sexual experience is that I have very little and most of that was with prostitutes. Further more, there is no woman that I know right now who has any interest m me at all. It is rather the classic “let's just be friends.”
I thought that to settle this I might immerse myself in the celebration of Beltaine with three festivals in a row, Beltainia at All World Acres, Body Magick also at All World Acres and Florida Pagan Gathering's Beltaine, but I have had to cut FPG Beltaine off the list due to lack of funds and conflicting commitments. With the sexual overtones of the fertility rites that underly the origins of Beltaine it seemed a good time to come face to face with this aspect of myself. Unfortunately, this can be quite painful especially when coupled with a deep sense of isolation from the others who are also attending these festivals, even from those whom I have regarded as friends. As a fundamentally and basically quiet person, I felt especially isolated and excluded at Body Magick. The “Tantra Puja” was a very powerfully connecting ritual which helped me feel part of the group. The “Moksha Magic” rite also raised energy that was palpable just as it has always been when I participated before, but this time I seemed to be excluded from every one of “Moksha” rites that followed. In the end, I seemed to be as “useless as tits on a boar hog.”
I can sometimes enter and leave a group so unnoticed that I would seem to have been invisible. Again and again everything that the women I meet do and say sends the message that I am as sexually attractive as a stone. This is true whether the woman is seeking a relationship or just a little pleasure.
Under such circumstances and considering that I have many fewer years ahead of me in this life than I have behind, why should I put off monastic ordination. At these two gatherings, practically everyone is divided into couples and among the rest I am excluded from getting together with anyone. Being put down, put off and shoved away eventually gets the message across that one is not desirable. I had thought that I would be approaching monasticism from the most noble and elevated aspirations, but it seems rather that I only accept my Karma in this aspect of life when I am most painfully forced to.
There is a joke about the old fellow who goes to a doctor and says, “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.” Then the doctor says. “Then don't do that.” If seeking to have a romantic relationship keeps causing me such emotional and psychic pain, perhaps I should stop seeking to have a romantic relationship. I left Body Magick to end the pain that I was feeling being around couples and feeling so alone.
On Thursday night of Body Magick, I found myself so dizzy that I couldn't walk straight. Someone seeing me might easily thought that I was drunk, but I was not and it came on without warning. I thought that my blood sugar or blood pressure might be low. I believe that if I took a little snack and rested, it would pass. However, when it had not cleared up by 3 AM, I drove home to check both my blood pressure and blood sugar. When I found that neither of these was the cause, I drove myself to the VA Hospital Emergency Room. After some basic checks and blood work, the doctor diagnosed “benign positional vertigo” and prescribed something for relief of the symptoms. However, before I left the ER, I had a visit from one of the chaplains. We had a very interesting conversation in which I basically explained to her why I am Buddhist and especially what it means to be Tibetan Buddhist. I also explained that I was now trying to decide whether I was to be married or be ordained a monk. She expressed the opinion that she believed I would wind up taking monastic ordination.
Now I need to either write or phone Lama Sonam to discuss my plans. I had agreed to visit Boston in June, but there are going to be monastic ordinations at Spring Retreat at Tibetan Meditation Center in Maryland. Although I don't have the money to make preparations for such a trip or even get my basic monastic necessities, perhaps, even at such a late date, I can get sponsors to help me get there and take the next step on my spiritual journey. Just as this “Journey Through Cancer” has not been just for my own benefit, but for the benefit of all sentient beings, likewise my monastic life will also be for the benefit of all sentient beings.