Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 56 – Tired of Side Effects

Every kind of treatment has its side effects which we weigh against the disease for which it is given. Radiation is no exception to this as I have already experienced and about which I have already written. However, right now, after this long with these newest side effects, or more accurately, after effects, I am getting tired of dealing with them. The medications which have been provided for symptomatic relief have been of very limited value. I have about six more weeks before the colonoscopy which will definitively diagnose the problem and may offer a real treatment with cauterization of the lesions.

In any spiritual practice among the most difficult aspects are patience and perseverance. Since this “ Journey” is not just a medical one but also a spiritual one, these same things apply here as well. My stamina is not back to what it was like before the radiation treatments began in December. On top of that the persistence and unpredictability of the bleeding interfere with too many things that need to get done. It takes so little to exceed my current physical limits. It was so frustrating and depressing that I couldn't go to Sunday's Dharma Center activities because I couldn't get that far from the bathroom for that long. Just driving the short distance to my sister's house, I wasn't sure I wouldn't have an “accident” before I got there.

At times like this it is hard to remember the primary importance of spiritual activities and mental attitudes. Illness purifies a lot of negative karma, as I have written before, but it can also be of benefit to others. However, that requires an effort on my part to allow for that to happen. The usual reaction to illness or injury focuses one's attention on matters of personal comfort and self interest. This, of course, is not productive in spiritual endeavors which require more of the Bodhisattva's compassion and selflessness. These may seem easy in theory but are hard things in practice. Nevertheless, they are essential to turn merely karmically inevitable suffering into an occasion of benefit for all sentient beings.

I have to keep reminding myself of these things that have carried me through this “journey” so far. The lessons of the Dharma put into action do work, just as they have for all these centuries. They make the only sense out of all the apparent chaos of life. My own Karma is responsible for the all the medical stuff with which I have been dealing and have yet to deal. If that is as far as it goes, it does take care of so much Karma, but it can be the opportunity for so much more. As I keep walking this walk, I can benefit so many others both by my example and by serving the Dharma.

A powerful tool for me are “The Four Ways of Turning the Mind:”

“(1) Oh! This kind of leisure and endowment is supremely difficult to obtain. When we obtain this body, which is easily lost, do not waste it meaninglessly but rather to attain the ultimate liberation – joyous result.

“(2) The nature of phenomena is impermanence; death is a certainty for all who are born. Death can descend anytime like a drop of morning dew on a blade of grass. Quick! It is the time to make effort for the essence of Dharma.

“(3) The fruit of one's positive karma is happiness; suffering is the fruit of negative karma. The inexorable karmic causation is the mode of all dharmas. Henceforth, practice the Dharma by distinguishing between what should be practiced and what should be given up.

“(4) In the lower three realms and even in the higher ones there is not an instant of absolute happiness. I will avoid the root cause of my samsaric existence and practice the excellent path of peace to Enlightenment.”

I think that pretty well puts everything into perspective! With memories of several previous lifetimes, in only one other lifetime did I find the Dharma, even though I was definitely a “spiritual seeker” in several of them. Bearing in mind all of the reminders of my own mortality, how can I waste what time I have in any other effort than studying and applying the Dharma not only for my own benefit but for the benefit of all sentient beings?

Preparing for Ordination – School Starts Today

Partly because I am inclined to be a career student and partly because I know that my own studies of Buddhism so far have been neither systematic nor complete and partly because I know that, as a monk, I will be expected to know certain things and may even be expected to teach others, I registered and enrolled in Dharmakirti College's “Course 101 – Survey of Tibetan Buddhism, Part 1.” Today I finished the enrollment process and first looked at the course outline and format. For me it is exciting to be returning to school, even online. I have always been eager to study anything and everything I could. When I enlisted in the Navy, a cousin who had a very successful 30 year career in the Navy, going from Seaman Recruit (E-1) to Lieutenant (O-3), advised me to take every course they would give me, “even basket weaving.” While I didn't wind up making a career of the Navy myself and this is not the US Navy, I think that the advice applies now as well and the more practical the course, the better.

I anticipate learning many new things, filling in the gaps in my study so far. Furthermore, I expect to integrate my current knowledge with itself, with the new knowledge and, most of all, with practice and application. However, this is only the first of the courses that I shall take from Dharmakirti College. I plan to take every course they offer online as far as they go.

Naturally, today was not particularly difficult. I glanced over each week's subject areas and organized my notebook for the course, making dividers out of each week's outline page. I did get a little creative making stickers to cover the printing on the outside of my recycled 3-ring binder. I even printed out the first two items for Week 1, the directions for Shamata meditation and the homework questions that I shall be expected to answer from my readings.

I really look forward to the whole program with courses like: Level 1 - Survey of Tibetan Buddhism I/II , Chenrezig , White Tara ; Level 2 - Natural Liberation I/II /III/IV; Level 3 - Ngondro Parts I/II , Bodhisattva's Way of Life I/II , Buddha Nature ; Level 4 - Generation Stage I/II , 403/404M - Chakrasamvara I/II , 403/404D - Three Roots Parts I/II , Improving Your Practice ; Level 5 - 501/502M - Five-Path Mahamudra I/II , 501/502D - Introduction to Dzogchen I/II , Madhyamaka I/II , Leading Practice ; Level 6 - 601/602M - Vajrayogini I/II , 603/604M - Six Yogas of Naropa I/II , 601/602D - Trekcho I/II , 603/604D - Guided Practice , 605 - Teaching Dharma ; Level 7 - 701/702M - Kalachakra I/II , 701/702D - Togal I/II , Guided Study and Thesis, 799 - Guided Retreat.

That is what I call a real course of study. I may not be able to go to one of the monasteries in India to go through the traditional program for a monk, especially at my age, but I have something here that just might suffice to get me from where I am to where I need to be educationally as a monk. It looks like a beautiful balance between the theoretical and the practical. Furthermore, it appears to be fully in accord with my purpose in becoming a monk: being of maximum service to all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 55 – Faith and Living It

Driving on I-4, I was passed by this cute little red sports car doing more than 80mph, not an unusual occurrence out there. However, as it passed I noticed the little fish symbol with a cross, proclaiming the Christian faith of someone associated with that car. Of course, that might not have been the driver, but it nevertheless creates a paradox in the messages from one vehicle.

First of all, the symbol announces proudly someone's Christian Faith. However, it strikes me that driving a bright red BMW sports car is rather contradictory to Jesus' message of humility and self-sacrifice. Furthermore, that style of aggressive driving also conflicts with the gentle Jesus' teachings about the first being last and the last being first.

Life has taught me that we all have the problem of the difference between the teachings of our Faith and how we practice it. However, my experience has also taught me that most of the benefit that we derive from our Faith only comes from our practice of it not from the aspects of it that are purely theoretical for us. This applies no matter what faith a person follows.

Throughout the course of diagnosis, treatment, and recovery that I've lived with regard to my cancer, it is the practice of my Tibetan Buddhist faith that has helped me. The teachings were there for me to learn, but it was in the application that I found their benefit. The knowledge of and empowerment for Medicine Buddha Sadhana practice did not help me until I started the practice myself even on days that I could only do an abbreviated practice. Furthermore, teachings on impermanence, rebirth, karma and so forth benefited me not when I read them but when I contemplated them and found their applicability to the very circumstances of my life.

It is precisely in this interaction of our life with the teachings and practice of our faith that we find the help that we need. Furthermore, that is also where we find our spiritual growth. It may not turn us into a Milarepa or an Ananda, but leads to growth in that direction. However, nothing would be gained by my only appearing to be a Tibetan Buddhist. Instead I believe that that would be more likely to sow the seeds of negative karma which would bear very disagreeable fruit in the future.

There is enough time and energy in my present life that has to be devoted to purifying such karma from all the past. I don't need to build that karmic debt any more if I can avoid it. Perhaps the consciousness of this has something to do with my finding great benefit in the Auspicious Smoke Ceremony in addition to Vajrasattva Sadhana practice. Furthermore, I have also become more aware of the days such as New Moons and Full Moons when the merit of practice is multiplied.

When I think back to the speeding driver who inspired the start of this article, I can only pity him or her for the consequences of potential harm being done. I cannot hold anger toward such a one especially realizing the ignorance that underlies such actions. Just as I have heard that Buddhist monk's robes might save one from nonvirtuous actions because one would not want to bring dishonor on the Dharma, perhaps we should all regard the other signs of our Faith such as malas and prayer flags in a similar manner.

I have just had my six month follow up appointment with the oncologist. While I had already heard that my PSA test result was 1.0, it was still good to hear from him that we were on track to finding the tumor completely gone. However, because of the radiation after effects that I am experiencing and the fact that I am scheduled for a colonoscopy, my next appointment in RTU will only be three months away. In that way, he can review its results and be sure that I don't have anything else significant that needs treatment.

More important than any medical condition or treatment with which I may yet have to cope, I have to remember just what spiritual practices and perspectives have brought me this far through the diagnosis, treatment and recovery. I need to still remember that all of this medical stuff is the karmic result of my own actions in the past. Furthermore, just as all that has gone before in this “Journey Through Cancer” not only purifies my own negative karma, but also can benefit all sentient beings, the continuing medical issues can do likewise if I maintain my spiritual practice as well as allow it to grow.

I need to keep up doing daily offerings even if I can only do it as the eight bowls of water. However, I need to strive to do the more extensive offerings that I have begun. I am not so advanced a practitioner that I can replace the flowers, incense and food with visualizations although I can expand on them with it. I still feel better giving Achi Chokyi Drolma the first cup of tea for the day. Furthermore, compassion for those who are currently suffering in the current economic conditions motivates me to do Dzambala water offerings very often, because I know too many people who are unemployed or under-employed.

At the same time, it is not coincidental that the first Tibetan Buddhist thing that I attended was a Medicine Buddha retreat or that the first event when I went to Drikung Meditation Center in Boston was a Medicine Buddha empowerment. Furthermore, not only does it seem right to me to do the full Medicine Buddha Sadhana practice as often as I can, but also doing the abbreviated practice most of the times that I can't do the full practice enables me to do some Medicine Buddha practice very often which has been recommended to me by several Tibetan Buddhists people who have also gone through cancer treatment.

Nevertheless, I still need to find ways to be of service to others, because this has been an important aspect of this journey. Indeed, it is the key element that makes all of this something more than the working out of my own Karmic debt, making it an occasion to be of benefit to all sentient beings. Compassion and Bodhicitta are the repeated and continuing messages of all our teachers. In fact, I couldn't count the number of times that H. E. Garchen Rinpoche stressed it in just one weekend of teachings.

“By the virtues collected in the three times, by myself and all beings in samsara and nirvana, and by the innate root of virtue, may I and all sentient beings quickly attain unsurpassed, perfect complete, precious Enlightenment.”

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 54 – Practice, Service and Symptoms – An Addendum

I ended my last post, “In this case seeking to be of benefit to others results in having the capacity to work for their benefit. What could be more appropriate for a Buddhist?” This same idea arose again for me when I was reading an opinion piece in New Scientist magazine entitled “Consumerism is 'eating the future.'” The author quoted some of the participants and speakers at the latest annual meeting of the Ecological Society of America.
The author writes, “[One of the participants, William ]Rees [of the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, Canada] quotes economist Victor Lebow as saying in 1955: 'Our enormously productive economy demands that we make consumption our way of life, that we convert the buying and use of goods into rituals, that we seek our spiritual satisfaction and our ego satisfaction in consumption. We need things consumed, burned up, worn out, replaced and discarded at an ever-increasing rate.'” This is obviously so contrary to Buddhist teaching in all the different schools of Buddhism.
However, for this and its consequences in an unsustainable economy of endless growth and the resultant destruction of the environment and robbing of weaker nations of their own natural resources is seen by the author and the attendees as a problem requiring greater and more powerful government intervention as its primary solution. Indeed they others seem to propose that the only way out of this is the creation of some sort of “super-government.” However, they do acknowledge the benefits of grassroots developments as limited as they see their effectiveness.
I am reminded of a recorded lecture that I watched from a Theravadan Buddhist monk who was explaining the different understanding of “the world” from a Buddhist perspective. He explained that there were three, the least important being the same as the Western understanding of “all that stuff out there.” However, from the Buddhist viewpoint the most important was the inner world of our mind and motivations and the less important was the world of our immediate sphere of influence. He explained that, as an example, if we want to do something about littering the normal Western response would be to make a law against it. However, from a Buddhist perspective, the way to bring about this external change would be to make a change in the inner world. In other words, if someone no longer has the inner motivations for a particular outer action, the outer action will not occur.
I cannot help but see Buddhism as the ideal cure for the conditions outlined in the article. If I no longer see my happiness as coming from the accumulation of possessions, conspicuous consumption will no longer dominate my life. Indeed, if others see my happiness increases as my attachments decrease, they might also seek this more inward path to happiness. Indeed, over my lifetime I have at sometimes had the normal stuff that most people accumulate and at other times only the contents of a backpack. There was a lot of freedom in having so little, knowing that my needs were still met.
Even now as I prepare for my ordination, the process of “liquidating my own estate” is quite liberating and satisfying. I wish others could understand that this is not some sort of aberration but rather some degree of the truly healthy attitude toward “stuff” that Lord Buddha taught. Furthermore, we do not do anything in isolation from all sentient beings, but rather must serve them as well. They are not merely some distant relation, but over the countless eons of time that we have been reborn in different forms every sentient being has at some time been our mother, father, brother or sister. As a consequence of such a view, I would not wish to do anything which might harm such lives. Instead, I would seek to act in a way that preserves those lives and enhances their well being. Furthermore, I would act in a responsible manner toward all the other inhabitants of this planet.
When I look at these massive perspectives of the whole planet and sustainable practices on such a scale or even on a national or regional scale, I have to remember that the true scope of my action is still the same: within myself. The focus of my action is both meditation and Dharma study and practice. While this may at first, from a Western point of view, seem like a far too limited scope of action, it is really the most expansive, because everything can start there and reach to the limits of existence. We are, after all, talking about Buddhahood for the benefit of all sentient being. Is anything bigger than that?

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 54 – Practice, Service and Symptoms

With the return of side effects or rather after effects of the radiation therapy, I find that I am having trouble getting things done. However, I have noticed that if I am devoting myself to practice or to service of others, I sometimes get a reprieve from the symptoms. Of course this does not mean that the symptoms are gone, but rather that I can get something done without them getting in the way for a period of time. Unfortunately they seem to return with greater force than before.

Nevertheless, the key to this phenomenon is compassion. Chanting the Medicine Buddha Sadhana for the benefit of others is one thing, while doing it for myself is quite another. The former seems to bring about the temporary relief of symptoms to enable me to accomplish what is needed, but the latter would most likely be interrupted by more than one trip to the bathroom. Likewise any other practice done for others seems to be more likely to be uninterrupted than housework would be.

The degree to which my current symptoms have interfered with normal daily activities had discouraged me from contacting the local hospitals as I had planned. However, this phenomenon encourages me to go ahead, trusting that, if I am needed, I shall receive the necessary relief to accomplish my commitment.

This almost seems to be the physical analogue to the truism that if one desires happiness, the best way to achieve it is to work for the happiness of others. In this case seeking to be of benefit to others results in having the capacity to work for their benefit. What could be more appropriate for a Buddhist?

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 53 - Preparedness and Auspiciousness

For quite some time whenever I go to the VA hospital ER or Urgent Care Clinic, I pack what I call my “ just in case bag” in case I get admitted. I want to be sure that I have plenty of clean underwear and books and other things to keep me occupied. For my last unscheduled visit to the VA, I again packed my “just in case bag,” but choices and priorities were different. This time, besides the underwear, I focused on my needs for daily practice. I packed all my practice texts, my prayer wheel, a photograph of the Jowo Rinpoche statue, and my laptop. I decided that if I were admitted, I would get eight medicine cups from the nurse to be able to set up my daily offerings on the night stand.

Although I was fortunate enough this time to not have to be admitted, this has served to give me the chance to make decisions for my preparations based on my newer spiritual situation. This does add to my comfort level with regard to future admissions especially after my ordination. Incidentally, it also reminded me that I had told my root lama that I would be contacting the local hospitals to be the contact point to get proper spiritual care for Buddhists of all traditions. Although I can only provide limited care myself, I can find those who are more qualified than I.

I have become more aware of the matter of doing things at their proper time with regard to “ auspiciousness,” especially based on Tibetan astrology and Drikung Kagyu traditions. Already I have experienced the effects of such considerations. I was talking on my cellphone with a friend about some “outreach” activities in various areas, but we kept losing our connection. When I looked on the calendar, I noticed that it was an inauspicious day for “community events.” On the other hand when I got together with a few non-Buddhist friends for an Achi tea offering and Dzambala water offering on a day that was auspicious for “protector puja,” they were deeply moved by the practice. While I might regard this as an illusion, the Tibetans have been using these a very long time. I plan to get a actual practice calendar soon.

As it developed during my radiation treatments, I started carrying around a new version of my “just in case bag,” instead of being the necessities in the event of hospitalization, rather it was in the event of a urinary incontinence “accident” requiring a little clean up and change of clothes. I am now modifying my usual “just in case bag” to handle “ accidents” because of the bleeding which still has not gone away. Such occurrences are a real possibility since they have already happened while I was at home which is convenient, but would be most inconvenient outside of home. In keeping my appointment with my primary care physician I brought the “just in case bag” that I had packed for my ER visit last week although I really wasn't expecting to be admitted.

However, spending almost all day at the VA and killing time between things, there is too great a risk of one of those “accidents” not to have a change of clothes with me. Furthermore, I need productive ways to spend my time. At least I can do a little writing like this or spend time chanting mantras and turning the prayer wheel. All of those things are preferable to sitting and watching television which I no longer even do at home. I even got the chance to test a laptop that I've been refurbishing. Unfortunately, it seems to need a thorough toothbrush and alcohol treatment, because it is very unreliable. Later I found out that its problem was that the battery won't hold a full charge.

I even had a little time to get to a couple of thrift stores and had the good fortune to find a maroon T-shirt and a golden yellow one at 88 cents each, but both were half price. The total for them with tax was 95 cents. Two more shirts for daily wear after I am ordained bought at a bargain price!

I met with the weight loss nurse and got the good news that I am nearing the threshold of getting under 200 pounds, now weighing 202 pounds. There is no reason that I shouldn't expect to be down those two more pounds or more by the end of August.

My current circumstances are such a mixture of positives and negatives. The positives help to keep my spirits up and my outlook one of expectancy. However, the negatives serve to purify a lot of negative karma which is a very good thing after all. I had the occasion to discuss just this with a friend who is also having medical problems together with his wife both of whom have had surgeries this year. We talked about the positive aspects of having a life threatening condition corrected and also having negative karma purified by the whole experience including the recovery time with which we are sometimes so impatient. Furthermore, for myself, I have to remember that I am doing this not only for my own benefit but also for the benefit of all sentient beings.

As I wrote before about the prayer “ Using Wisdom and Courage,” “'If I am supposed to get sick, let me get sick, and I’ll be happy. May this sickness purify my negative karma and the sickness of all sentient beings.' The cancer with which I have been dealing these many months is just the result of karmic seeds planted in a previous lifetime. It is just pure cause and effect. Nevertheless, it purifies that karma and can even purify other negative karma especially if I can make it benefit others. I can do just that not only by dedicating it to others just as we do with meritorious actions but also by sharing the journey in ways such as this blog.” Yet another way that all this may benefit other sentient beings is through being on call with local hospitals. Before this week is out I'll take care of that.