Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 62 – What Does Your Compassion DO?

I was recently writing about a teaching that took a different course than many, because it provided tools to apply the Dharma in life. On a Buddhist social networking site, in response to one of my blog posts someone explained the 'Kadam insight' which was that Dharma teachings were meant to be PRACTICED not just heard and studied, which is why Sravakas are criticized for being hearers.

When I looked up “kadam,” I found the following reference about Kadampa, “[A]ll the Words (ka) of the Buddha are taken as practical instructions (dam).” During the past year or so, I have been thinking about this matter of living the Dharma, not something theoretical but imminently practical. This is the message I get from my reading, the message that Carmen taught me, the message of Venerable Lama Sonam and Garchen Ripoche. To the extent that I have been able to live the Dharma I have been able to handle everything that has come my way during all these months of the diagnosis of cancer, treatment planning, treatment and now recovery from treatment.

As a result, now I cannot help but think of the same thing with regard to compassion. It is not just a feeling, an emotion, an attitude, although it certainly starts there. However, if it doesn't mature into action, it has a chance to be only illusion or even delusion. We are not talking about the heroic kind of compassion from one of the stories of the Buddha's previous lives in which is is said, “Folklore states that an early incarnation of Buddha was walking in the forest near the present site of Namo Buddha when he came across a mother tiger and her five cubs. The mother was so weak she could not feed her cubs so the man offered his own flesh to her in strips - she slowly ate and was able to feed her cubs and eventually ate the whole man up.”

For us ordinary folk, our acts of compassion are likely to be more modest. Is there a neighbor who is old or disabled? Do you know someone who needs help with transportation? Is there someone who has been out of work and could use a good meal whom you could invite to dinner? There is always so much need and we Americans have so much wealth that we waste!

Be creative, but do so with an understanding, an empathy for the feelings of the one you seek to help. Furthermore, you don't have to just stop with helping fellow human beings, but should extend your compassion to “all mother sentient beings” to which we refer in our prayers. In this, however, we might have to examine ourselves to be sure that we have a genuine feeling of compassion for the animals to whom we show acts of compassion such as liberating them from the danger of death or having them blessed. Remember that the preservation of the habitat of wild animals, no matter how small they are, is also an act of “liberating animals from the danger of death.” In all these things I firmly believe that the proper action without the proper motivation is incomplete just as the proper motivation is incomplete without the proper action.

Possessing a “precious human life,” we have the opportunity to study the Dharma and to practice the Dharma, the opportunity learn to meditate and to advance in meditation, the opportunity to avoid nonvirtue and to practice virtue, and even the opportunity to accumulate merit and to cleanse negative Karma. We shouldn't waste it by seeking those things that do not serve the highest goal which is enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Toward that end, we need to remember that the “stuff” we own is not to be accumulated and hoarded, but rather should only serve our actual needs and be shared for the needs of others. Even as little as I have, I still find opportunities to share with others. When I was growing up, we were very poor. Nonetheless, we shared with others. When someone came up asking for food, I often saw my grandmother go into the kitchen and cook a meal for them and then give them a bag of groceries as well. Nevertheless, we always had enough for our needs if not our wants.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 61 – Sharing the Dharma in Strange Places

Saturday night, my sister and I attended an event called EARTHDANCE 2009, described as a “Gathering of Global Peace at All World Acres,” as vendors. She sells good used books to supplement her Social Security. Since the plan for the event was that Saturday activities would run from 3 PM until 7 AM Sunday, my sister asked me to help her, because I am more of a “ night owl” than she or our friend Alice are. While they did have the “Global Synchronized Prayer for Peace at 7:00 PM,” my observation of the event as a whole was that for most of its participants it was really a “rave.”

While I would not say that the DJ's were playing my preferred style of music, I did enjoy most of it, more than my sister did. A lot of it was in the “Techno-Trance” category more or less, with which I once experimented creating on the computer for a contest. Although I did not finish my entry in time for the deadline of the contest, I did enjoy learning about the techniques. However, I have to admit that it was hard doing any studying with this type of music being played. Nevertheless, I did object to the suggestion of some in my age group that we were too old to enjoy it.

While I am a great lover of quiet and often play no music at all when I am home, once again I don't fit my age group, this time because I did in fact enjoy most of the music. However, there were some pieces that I actually despised, but that was most often because of the lyrics rather than the music itself. Nevertheless, in many ways neither I nor my sister fit in with this crowd, not an uncommon circumstance for us with regard to popular culture. Furthermore, the state of my arthritis kept me from walking around much, preferring to sit as much as possible.

All this created the perfect situation for others who might not be fully at ease there to gravitate toward our site and spend time talking with us. Whether it was the young man who had found teachings on the mental foundations of “success” but sought something more profoundly spiritual or the young lady who was there out of curiosity but found herself discussing how she had found her Roman Catholic upbringing failing her now and sought through Hinduism and Buddhism something deeper or another young man who had studied the very practical principles of Permaculture in Australia where it originated but was now seeing the deeper aspects of the inadequacy of consumerism as a way of life. In none of these or other conversations that we had that night did we preach or proselytize, but rather we merely talked about our lives and experiences and observations. Of course, some of these come from my particular perspective of having come close to death repeatedly and yet surviving, all within the context of knowing that I have lived multiple previous lifetimes.

As things turned out, this crowd was not really a group of readers, although we did sell enough to cover our expenses and give us gas money for the van. My sister may even have gotten enough out of it to cover a trip to the grocery store, but little more. However, with these conversations, we did stay later than we had planned. Nevertheless, when I observed what I thought might be illegal drug use, we decided that it was time to call it a night and pack up and go home.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 60 – Fear and the Purveyors of Fear

Over my lifetime I have been acquainted with fear in various forms at various times in various contexts. As a youngster in school I was the target of bullies. Growing up I suffered from a lack of confidence resulting in fear of failure. Furthermore, in my youth I feared rejection whenever I approached the possibility of a relationship with a girl. During the years of my life as a practicing alcoholic, particularly those as a “drunken sailor,” I found myself in seriously frightening circumstances. On several occasions over the course of my life, facing my own mortality has brought on some degree of fear.

When I survived a nearly fatal car wreck in Spring 1983 and recovered from my injuries, I was unaware at the time just how deeply it changed me. There were, in actuality, three distinct brushes with death, first when I first crashed, then when I remained in the vehicle for hours without help, and when two weeks passed without finding the traumatic tear in my aorta. Furthermore, I was even informed by the surgeon that the coarctation of my aorta, which got repaired as an incidental consequence of the surgery to repair the tear, that the defect was severe enough that I should not have grown to adulthood. At the time I did experience great gratitude for my survival, but I did not know that my fear of death had been alleviated.

However, a few years later, I found myself in a situation that revealed just how profoundly the experience had changed me. I was working at a nursing home in the activity department. The job required that I stay late for certain special activities occasionally. One night I left later than usual and wound up unable to take my usual bus that passed within a couple of blocks of home. Instead, I had to get off many blocks away on the edge of Ybor City in a location that was often dangerous. As I walked down Seventh Avenue, I noticed three young men walking together. As I approached them, they separated It was then that I saw the revolver in the hand of the center man. I suddenly realized that I was about to be robbed! Nevertheless, I remained perfectly calm.

As the whole scene unfolded, it took on an almost comic character with the man holding the gun trembling and myself peaceful. I gave them my watch, my personal stereo, and my cash. I only asked that I keep the wallet to avoid having to replace the Driver's License and such. It was so comical that the watch only cost a few dollars because it came out of the junk box at a Radio Shack, just as the personal stereo had. Furthermore, I didn't even have five dollars in cash. While we were completing this “transaction,” I kept talking to them about how I had changed my life with sobriety and their actions would be unnecessary if the got “clean and sober.”

After this mugging was over and the men had left, I realized that I had been uncharacteristically unafraid throughout. It was suddenly clear that I thoroughly understood most profoundly that I need not fear death. Of course this was in the manner of thinking that if the young man had emptied the revolver into me but I was “supposed to” survive, I would survive even though I might have a long and difficult recovery. This confidence has remained with me. In fact, the growth of my Buddhist faith and my certainty that I have been reborn many times before and could continue to be reborn many more times have only increased this lack of fear of death.

Against this backdrop, I have been walking this “Journey Through Cancer” aided by the Dharma, without fear of death. Furthermore, I have tried to benefit all sentient beings by this process.

While both my Primary Care doctor and the Urgent Care doctor are most confident that my present symptoms are the result of Radiation Proctitis, the colonoscopy could turn up something else. Therefore it is most natural that I should examine whether it evokes fear when I consider any potential diagnosis or prognosis. Hence I find that it does not give rise to any fear of dying, but may cause me concern that I might be farther from fully recovering from my cancer and its treatment.

A natural outcome of this is that I go on to look at fears that assail us all in America today and even in modern society around the world. From such an investigation it becomes obvious that certain interests use fear as a tool to increase their power and manipulate the broader population. One example is the previous Presidential administration. After the events of September 11, 2001, they used the fear that it generated and that they fueled with such measures as their Homeland Threat Level System in order to expand Presidential power and threaten our Constitutional rights. While it is obvious that the last election brought about some change, it is not clear that things have been put right, because “preventive detention” seems to be supported by the new administration. Furthermore, they seem to want the “Patriot Act,” which severely infringes our Constitutional rights, to remain in force.

While politics is an obvious arena for the manipulation of people through fear, there are other groups that also use it. For example, big corporations, through their advertising, work on people's insecurities and fears to get them to buy their products. However, probably the ultimate purveyors of fear are some of the religious institutions with their threat, “If you don't do what we say, you are going to hell.” Fortunately, not every religion practices that kind of fear-based control. Nevertheless, much harm has been done through this mode of operating.

However, the use of fear is not restricted to governments and religions. There are industries that profit by it, such as the pharmaceutical and chemical cleaner industries which promote fear of germs to sell their products when most of the germs involved are constantly on our skin or otherwise in our environment without causing any harm as long as our immune systems are functioning properly. Furthermore, they have been busy together with their government allies spreading fear of the H1N1 “ swine flu” virus, predicting huge numbers of people being sickened by it this flu season despite how little evidence there may be to support their claims.

At the same time certain groups are spreading fear of the swine flu vaccine and even vaccines in general despite the fact that the use of vaccines has virtually eliminated diseases like polio and smallpox from the world. Of course, no medicine is without side effects or risks which even applies to “natural” and “herbal” remedies. The use of any treatment always involves a risk/benefit analysis if it is approached honestly.

All of this study of fear has more questions than answers. Even when I find myself feeling some “ twinges” of fear, I have to look for its true cause. Usually that can be found in the “eight worldly dharmas.” Either something interferes with my pursuit of happiness or threatens me with suffering.

Either something interferes with my pursuit of fame or threatens me with insignificance. Either something interferes with my pursuit of praise or threatens me with blame. Either something interferes with my pursuit of gain or threatens me with loss.

I just recently had to do this sort of self-examination, because .when I was driving through the area that had been my ex-wife's “stomping grounds,” I experienced fear. Since, in our last conversation, she threatened to shoot me if she saw me, that would seem like a natural reaction. However, since I really have no fear of death, this fear was puzzling. Nevertheless, the fear was real! When I looked at the “eight worldly dharmas,” I realized that her threat of shooting me threatens me with suffering – and I haven't finished recovering from my cancer treatment yet. Having to survive a shooting would be a real nuisance right now.

Working through this fear not only benefits me, but also benefits all sentient beings by increasing my understanding and compassion. Furthermore, the tool that I used, reciting the Achi Chokyi Drolma mantra, benefits all of us, because, as I have been taught, I took refuge before I started chanting and dedicated any merit to others when I finished. I made it through the area safely and the fear diminished with time and, I believe, the action of the mantra on me.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 59 – Amends Are Needed

In my depression, I wrote very hurtful words about my sister which wounded her deeply. She has gone so far as to say that she would never go to Katsel Dharma Center again. It is pretty sorry state of affairs when the words of someone who aspires to be a monk and spend his life in service to the Dharma do such a thing!

As I read back over what I wrote, I can see that I overstated the circumstances, speaking from the midst of my depression and the frustration that I feel from the limitations from my recovery from the radiation therapy. Depression has nagged me throughout the whole process of diagnosis, treatment and recovery. Usually, each bout has been of short duration and easily handled.

My sister and I have both been under stress lately. I guess we just got to be on each other's nerves too much. It seems that we can say the most hurtful things to those to whom we are closest. This is just what I have done, never intending to do such a thing.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 59 – Impatience, Frustration and Depression from Aftereffects

With the periodic recurrence of urinary pain (which the urologist who did a stat cystoscopy exam on me a while back said was actually pain from my prostate) and the continuing rectal bleeding (which both my Primary Care Physician and one of the Urgent Care Physicians agree is most likely radiation proctitis) I am so tired of not being well yet. All my labs so far indicate that the prostate cancer has been well handled by the radiation treatments that were finished seven and a half months ago. Nevertheless, these kinds of symptoms persist and interfere with doing things that I need to do.

While I have enormous gratitude that the most serious condition has been so successfully treated, I am still impatient with my rate of recovery and frustrated by it. I understand that the less precise “simulation” CT scan done without the contrast medium because of my allergy to it resulted in a somewhat less precise targeting of the radiation beams. Consequently, I may have had a little more exposure of healthy tissues to the that same radiation. Of course, these aftereffects that I am experiencing are mostly from the damage to those healthy tissues. While I understand this intellectually, my full acceptance of this lags far behind. Furthermore, unlike the time before treatments started, I don't have any effective plan for coping with these symptoms like I had for preparing for those treatments.

Unfortunately, under the present circumstances, my early recovery after treatments seemed to progress very quickly. Therefore, when I went to Drikung Meditation Center in Boston in June, I had very little in the way of aftereffect symptoms impeding my doing whatever was necessary. However, by the time I got back from that trip, I seemed to not be doing as well as before I went. Therefore, when it turned out that my truck needed work on it to get it running again, I was not as able to handle it especially in the heat of our Florida summer.

Ironically, my vajra brothers and sisters seem to have far more patience and give far more encouragement than my biological sister. She seems to be endlessly berating me for not living up to her expectations. Sometimes I let this get to me so much that I become profoundly depressed to such an extent that I seriously consider walking away from everything and everyone here. My sister expects everyone to make allowances for her limitations from age, infirmity, or chronic illness, but she seems unable to grant others the same consideration. I find it personally particularly when my own inability to get things done here at my house or in connection with the truck arises because I have exhausted myself doing things she needs me to do. In other words, altogether too often my time at home has to be devoted to rest and recovery from exhaustion and my next exhausting project away from home comes along before I can do anything else.

Recently, I was telling my sister that we were both quite fortunate to have reached our present ages. Our medical histories gave us a poor prognosis for even living long enough to grow up. Nevertheless, we have grown to adulthood and lived to become “senior citizens.” However, we have to be realistic about our limitations as we have gotten older and newer health issues have arisen. In that regard, I have no expectation that my sister will be able to help me with things around my house and yard, because it is sometimes too much for her to handle what she needs to do around hers.

I would really like to be able to set to work over the next few days and weeks to put this house in order, repair the truck, remove all the weeds from my yard, and even plant my own garden. Instead, I have to do what I can when I can and give myself the time that my recovery still requires. Furthermore, I cannot neglect my studies for which I have already spent money for books and tuition. Nor can I so focus my attention on these things and neglect spiritual practice.

In surviving this cancer, I have once again survived something that could have ended my life, but it is not just about continuing to live but about doing so in such a way that it is to the benefit of not only myself but also all sentient beings. When fear of death is overcome, what fear can hold power? So many people my age and older live in fear of so many things. I have neither the time nor the energy to give over to any fears. Nevertheless, I am aware that I have a limited time remaining to me in this lifetime in which to do what is truly worthwhile. Although nothing is certain in our lives, before another year passes I can reasonably hope to be ordained. Since we don't have any monasteries in warm climates, I also hope that I can serve in this local area and work toward that time when we can have a monastic residence here under the guidance of our own resident Lama.

Keys of Dharma

I have heard teachings on the “37 Bodhisattva Practices” several times. However, this week I listened to a somewhat different teaching on this same text. Most take each verse in order and explain it, but this was unique among the teachings. Khenpo Tsultrim Tenzin Rinpoche,of course, began with prayers and commenced the actual teaching with introductory concepts that would clarify the meaning of the text and bring it around to practical application.

He kept on explaining these things, giving us important general principles which illuminate this particular text. However, when I reflected on them, I could see that they are much more widely applicable. These very principles could help us to understand and apply the Dharma. In fact, is not that precisely why we study the Dharma? The most advanced academic knowledge about the Dharma brings us no closer to Enlightenment unless we are putting such knowledge into practice.

Our study of the Precious Dharma needs to be bearing fruit in our progress in the two accumulations and in our not accruing more negative Karma which could cause our rebirth in one of the lower realms. If we do not attain Enlightenment in this lifetime, we need to be reborn as a human being who has “precious human life.” Otherwise we are getting no closer to Buddhahood.

Khenpo-la gave us something most valuable. Not only did he give us the transmission for this text, but he also gave us an excellent set of tools for this and other texts.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 58 – Aspirations, Limitations, and the Dharma - Continued

As I wrote in “A Protector Protects – Again,” I was on my way to Lakeland Regional Medical Center to leave my contact information with their Pastoral Care office when I had a flat tire and was unable to get there. Just as I discussed in the first part of this “chapter” regarding animal blessings, I could likewise have read into the flat tire something about my service to the sick and dying. However, just as I discussed with a friend Tuesday night, my life experiences have peculiarly prepared me for just such service.

Most fortunately Tuesday afternoon I was able to leave a business card for the chaplains at both Good Shepherd Hospice and Lakeland Regional Medical Center. At the latter, the secretary in the Pastoral Care office seemed happy to receive the information. She said that, although the chaplains on duty were upstairs attending to patients and the head chaplain is on vacation, she expects that after the head chaplain returns from vacation, she and other chaplains will want more information on the help that I can offer them. She further stated that they had already had a need for clergy support for Buddhist patients in the past and expected the same need to arise again.

Therefore, even the limited help that I can currently give will be of value. Whether I am able to give some degree of spiritual help to a patient or I find qualified Buddhist clergy to serve them or I merely act as driver for such clergy, by any of these means I shall have done something worthwhile in service to others. Furthermore, I can seek opportunities to learn more in order to become better able to serve them.

In that regard, I have been searching for the opportunities to receive in depth training in our Phowa practice as well as Tonglen. As far as Phowa training is concerned, it seems that the foremost teacher in this country is His Eminence Choeje Ayang Rinpoche who is teaching 10 level Amitabha Practice at Drikung Meditation Center in Boston just when I am committed to be supporting my own center here in the Tampa area. However, his next Phowa practice trainings are still in the future. Nevertheless, there are still obstacles to attending those teachings at this time.

Of these upcoming trainings, the next is a Phowa Retreat in Olympia, Washington, October 7-15, but I am currently scheduled for my colonoscopy on October 8th and committed to tend fire for a sweat lodge on October 9 ^th, The next after that is the Phowa Training Course that he will be giving in Bodhgaya, India, in January 2010, but the very location could be a very difficult obstacle to overcome because I do not have the means for such a trip or even a passport. Nevertheless, I shall be looking at every training opportunity that arises for the chance to learn this particularly powerful means to help the dying.

Just as my aspiration for monastic ordination must wait for the next opportunity, this aspiration will await the correct time and place for its fulfillment as well. As it is now, I, in my small way, having received just the basic Amitabha empowerment, currently utilize the Amitabha mantra to aid dead and dying animals in the hope that they may have a better rebirth. Whether it is my monastic ordination, my daily practice, my studies, or any empowerment, I must remember that it is for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 58 – Aspirations, Limitations, and the Dharma

I first heard of Acharya Lama Gursam when I read in the newspaper about a pet blessing that he did in Pinellas County, but I was unable to attend it, naturally, because I read about it after it happened. However, as I have previously written, while I was staying in Boston, I heard that he was doing another blessing at an animal shelter in Jamaica Plain. Therefore, I set out from the center to attend it, but when my hearing aid battery died I turned back, knowing that the environment of such a shelter would be rather noisy and, without my hearing aid, I would be unlikely to hear his quiet voice.

Saturday, I again set out to attend one of Lama Gursam's pet blessings. However, I again had to turn back, this time, because of aftereffects of my radiation treatments. With the bleeding that I have been experiencing, I have to be very conscious of where rest rooms are available when I travel away from home. When I need to get to one, I may not have enough time to reach it before I have an “accident” which is the reason for my “just in case bag.” On this occasion I made my second bathroom break when I reached the Bruce B Downs Blvd exit on I-75. This wasn't even the halfway point on my drive. When I considered how scarce rest rooms would be as I got closer to the park, I realized that I needed to turn back.

As I've written earlier, sometimes when I am involved in Dharma activities, the symptoms will be in abeyance for just enough time to allow for just such activities. However, it does not always work that way. I could give myself a headache trying to second guess something like this. I could even read into it a sign that I am not supposed to have anything to do with animal blessings. However, I know that could not be true, because we need to promote animal blessings and animal liberations. In Western cultures, we have such a heritage from the Abrahamic religions and some aspects of Greek and Roman paganism that we are raised to treat animals as objects rather than sentient beings.

When we do animal blessings and animal releases, we attest to the fact that all of us are related. This is an essential part of the truth that we as Buddhists share with Native American spirituality and Earth-centered religion. Furthermore, this is fundamental to continuing to have human life on this planet. I have to believe that I must play some part in that, whether it is by becoming qualified to do animal blessings or merely encouraging them as well as animal liberations, That is a worthy aspiration for the benefit of all sentient beings.

In such a context, I have to regard my current physical limitation not as an insuperable obstacle, but rather simply as a hurdle to be overcome, just another along this course. There have been others like my alcoholism or my early limited religious perspectives the overcoming of which have provided occasions for spiritual growth. In fact, this seems like yet another aspect of this present “Journey Through Cancer” which is unfolding before me and around me. I am not anything special, merely a phenomenon that results from certain causes under certain conditions. The only thing that is special about me is the same thing that is special about all of us, our underlying buddhanature. Furthermore, I have the same calling we all have, to follow the Dharma to uncover that very buddhanature in Buddhahood for the sake of all sentient beings.

A Protector Protects - Again

I had planned to drive to Kissimmee this evening, but that trip had been canceled for a variety of reasons. Nevertheless, this afternoon I was doing what I intended to do on my way to Kissimmee, going to the hospitals to leave my contact information with the chaplains. As I had discussed with my lama, although there are many different Buddhist groups in the Tampa Bay area, some of the hospitals may not know who to contact when a Buddhist patient is admitted. Therefore, I could serve as the contact point to find appropriate and qualified Buddhist clergy to provide spiritual care. I had been to Plant City's South Florida Baptist Hospital, but their chaplain is only there in the mornings.

As I was heading to Lakeland Regional Medical Center, chanting Achi Chokyi Drolma's mantra, the steering wheel began jerking from side to side and the front end started thump-thumping. Suddenly, I heard a loud bump on the underside of the van and immediately recognized what was happening: a tire was coming apart. I was fortunate to be going slow on a road with a broad shoulder. I got off the road less than two van-lengths from the first piece of tire that came off. I called AAA and read while I waited and chanted a few more mantras.

Tomorrow I can buy one tire and have the spare put back in its storage place under the van. Maybe between now and the next time I need a spare tire I can replace the "donut" with a full size tire, but, right now, I can be grateful that I did not have a wreck from the tire coming apart at highway speed on I-4 on the way to Kissimmee. Once again, I was spared from an undesirable outcome while chanting the Achi mantra, leading me to attribute it to her protection. Just as my maternal grandmother protected me when I was growing up, our beloved Achi protects Drikungpas who honor her.

The tow truck driver quickly changed the tire and got me on my way. However, I went to my sister's house where I could fill the spare to its specified pressure, because my compressor was at her house. I'll have to go to the hospitals one morning soon to accomplish what I had set out to do.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 57 - Sobriety and the Dharma

This weekend I celebrated 24 years sobriety. I got sober as a Russian Orthodox monk, but that had not kept me from getting drunk for the preceding two years. Now I am a Tibetan Buddhist Ngakpa and plan to be ordained as a Tibetan Buddhist monk when Khenchen schedules the next batch of ordinations. While this may seem like an inconceivably long spiritual journey or an impossible transformation, it is the one that I have made over the years of my sobriety.

Now looking back over these years, I can see that a guiding principle of AA is also one of the cornerstones of Tibetan Buddhism: service to others. In AA, it is the key to lasting sobriety. In Tibetan Buddhism, Buddhahood is sought “for the benefit of all sentient beings.”

Over the past year, I have found it difficult to maintain anything like a regular schedule of meetings. I had been introduced to one particular meeting which I especially appreciated which was also rather close to my home. This specific meeting was focused on the 11 ^th Step of Alcoholics Anonymous which says, “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” With that as a focus, the meeting begins much like most AA meetings, but the overhead lights are turned off and it becomes a candlelight meeting with a significant difference. A period of time is spent in meditation, albeit not in the Buddhist form, but still similar to Shamata. Only after that does the discussion begin.

This Sunday to celebrate my anniversary of sobriety I went to that particular meeting. I had intended to get to other meetings this weekend before Sunday, specifically a Labor Day weekend “Alcothon.” However, these ongoing after-effects of the radiation interfered with those larger plans. Nevertheless, it was good to get to the meeting I did manage to attend. A special plus was that two people I know were there, a newer friend and an old friend I've known for years.

I have gotten the one red chip that is for me. Now I plan to get to whatever meetings this week that I am able to attend in order to collect red chips for the benefit of others. Years ago my sponsor told me that this was what I was supposed to do. While I am the first beneficiary of my own sobriety, it is nonetheless for the benefit of others as well. Isn't that reminiscent of, “May I attain Buddhahood for the sake of all sentient beings”?