With the periodic recurrence of urinary pain (which the urologist who did a stat cystoscopy exam on me a while back said was actually pain from my prostate) and the continuing rectal bleeding (which both my Primary Care Physician and one of the Urgent Care Physicians agree is most likely radiation proctitis) I am so tired of not being well yet. All my labs so far indicate that the prostate cancer has been well handled by the radiation treatments that were finished seven and a half months ago. Nevertheless, these kinds of symptoms persist and interfere with doing things that I need to do.
While I have enormous gratitude that the most serious condition has been so successfully treated, I am still impatient with my rate of recovery and frustrated by it. I understand that the less precise “simulation” CT scan done without the contrast medium because of my allergy to it resulted in a somewhat less precise targeting of the radiation beams. Consequently, I may have had a little more exposure of healthy tissues to the that same radiation. Of course, these aftereffects that I am experiencing are mostly from the damage to those healthy tissues. While I understand this intellectually, my full acceptance of this lags far behind. Furthermore, unlike the time before treatments started, I don't have any effective plan for coping with these symptoms like I had for preparing for those treatments.
Unfortunately, under the present circumstances, my early recovery after treatments seemed to progress very quickly. Therefore, when I went to Drikung Meditation Center in Boston in June, I had very little in the way of aftereffect symptoms impeding my doing whatever was necessary. However, by the time I got back from that trip, I seemed to not be doing as well as before I went. Therefore, when it turned out that my truck needed work on it to get it running again, I was not as able to handle it especially in the heat of our Florida summer.
Ironically, my vajra brothers and sisters seem to have far more patience and give far more encouragement than my biological sister. She seems to be endlessly berating me for not living up to her expectations. Sometimes I let this get to me so much that I become profoundly depressed to such an extent that I seriously consider walking away from everything and everyone here. My sister expects everyone to make allowances for her limitations from age, infirmity, or chronic illness, but she seems unable to grant others the same consideration. I find it personally particularly when my own inability to get things done here at my house or in connection with the truck arises because I have exhausted myself doing things she needs me to do. In other words, altogether too often my time at home has to be devoted to rest and recovery from exhaustion and my next exhausting project away from home comes along before I can do anything else.
Recently, I was telling my sister that we were both quite fortunate to have reached our present ages. Our medical histories gave us a poor prognosis for even living long enough to grow up. Nevertheless, we have grown to adulthood and lived to become “senior citizens.” However, we have to be realistic about our limitations as we have gotten older and newer health issues have arisen. In that regard, I have no expectation that my sister will be able to help me with things around my house and yard, because it is sometimes too much for her to handle what she needs to do around hers.
I would really like to be able to set to work over the next few days and weeks to put this house in order, repair the truck, remove all the weeds from my yard, and even plant my own garden. Instead, I have to do what I can when I can and give myself the time that my recovery still requires. Furthermore, I cannot neglect my studies for which I have already spent money for books and tuition. Nor can I so focus my attention on these things and neglect spiritual practice.
In surviving this cancer, I have once again survived something that could have ended my life, but it is not just about continuing to live but about doing so in such a way that it is to the benefit of not only myself but also all sentient beings. When fear of death is overcome, what fear can hold power? So many people my age and older live in fear of so many things. I have neither the time nor the energy to give over to any fears. Nevertheless, I am aware that I have a limited time remaining to me in this lifetime in which to do what is truly worthwhile. Although nothing is certain in our lives, before another year passes I can reasonably hope to be ordained. Since we don't have any monasteries in warm climates, I also hope that I can serve in this local area and work toward that time when we can have a monastic residence here under the guidance of our own resident Lama.
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