Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 75 – My Two Ages

I have been thinking a lot about aging lately. It is something that I am fortunate to still have the opportunity to continue doing, having survived the cancer. My very best friend from childhood has been dealing with how his father is aging. I have been reading Still Here by Ram Dass. In addition, my sister and I were talking about it as we drove back from going down to Davie, Florida to hear His Holiness the Dalai Lama speak.

We had made a “pit stop” at a Burger King for a bathroom break and a fresh cup of coffee, entering the restaurant behind a party of retirees. As we continued our drive we talked about how little we had in common with them although we are very much in their age group. I then discussed with her my idea of having two ages, a mental age and a physical age. In the inexorable process of nature, my body is aging and I cannot stop it as long as I continue to live. However, I believe that the mind is ageless as if it existed outside time, but I also see my own mind as much younger than my aging body.

From their conversations we could tell that the group of aging retirees shared the same interests, interests common to many other retirees, interests “appropriate” to their age. However, my sister and I tend to share the interests of a younger generation. Furthermore, although they also shared the “ appropriate” styles of dress of older people, such styles are of no interest to us nor hold any attraction for us. We are aided in our not “feeling old” and “thinking old,” by good genes for not looking quite as old as we are. Recently, when I shaved off my very full gray beard, I was told how much younger I looked. When I no longer presented such a dominant sign of my age, there were not significant wrinkles to give away my age.

Nevertheless, I sometimes feel my age in my body when cold damp weather aggravates my arthritis making movement difficult or interfering with my grip strength. Therefore, although I may not always see the effects of aging in my appearance, I am reminded that I am still getting older. However, I do enjoy some of the “perks” of my “senior citizen” status like discounts and the possibility of taking courses at the community college free.

I am inclined to think that my sister and I maintain our youthful minds in part by spending time in the company of younger people with whom we share more interests than we do with our contemporaries. In addition, my view of the years since the beginning of my current rebirth from the perspective of the memories of previous rebirths extending back over centuries makes it seem such a short time. That same perspective makes many of the concerns of our contemporaries seem so trivial. Furthermore, our spiritual point of view may also have a bearing on it as well.

My sister and I have both noticed that the Buddhist monks whom we know or about whom we know are notable in not looking as old as other people of the same age. We are inclined to attribute it in part to their practice of meditation. However, it may also have something to do with their lack of attachment to the usual concerns common in our culture. Furthermore, functioning within the context of compassion as His Holiness the Dalai Lama teaches, we can operate without fear, anger, worry, or most other sources of stress which can age or sicken us.

Finally, as Buddhists we believe in the inevitability of change which is not something to resist but rather accept and even value. Furthermore, we continue to learn new things and welcome new experiences. We refuse to get stuck in any particular time, but rather move with the flow of time. Of course all of this does not serve us alone but rather all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 74 – Precious Human Life

The last time that I got to our Wednesday meditation group at Katsel Dharma Center our subject for consideration and object of contemplation was “precious human life.” We were instructed to realize that it was not simply a human life, but rather one that included exposure to the Dharma, that provided the time for the study and application of the Dharma, and that gave us the mental capacity and disposition to study the Dharma. Furthermore, although we may have the beginning of such a life, we need for it to be long enough to truly benefit from the opportunity that is provided.
In this present rebirth I have reached the point of having both the opportunity and the disposition to study and apply the Dharma very late in life. Nevertheless, the karmic seeds bearing fruit throughout this life have been the sort to provide life experiences to teach me Dharma lessons such as the impermanence of all things and the inevitability of death. Furthermore, they have also served to teach me precisely the preciousness of “precious human life” through the full awareness of how easily it may be lost.
From my infancy there have been conditions which have existed and events which have occurred which should have proved fatal and yet I have survived. Sometimes the threat was subtle and the survival was equally subtle. At other times the threat of death was very dramatic and my survival was equally dramatic. Whether subtle or dramatic, they have combined to predispose me not only to receive this teaching but also to value it. Furthermore, this has motivated me to seek monastic ordination rather than waste the rest of my life in pursuits which are not of lasting value. Nevertheless this is not for myself alone but for the benefit of all sentient beings.
As I prepare for my eventual ordination, the very process of divesting myself of the encumbrance of possessions becomes the opportunity to teach others about the nature of attachment and to examine its nature more intimately myself. As I deflect undeserved praise for these activities, I have the opportunity to teach others about Karma as well as dependent origination and also to examine these more intimately for myself.
With regard to the preciousness of “precious human life,” I am also fortunate that I have memories from previous human rebirths including one, centuries ago, when I was born in India but became a Tibetan Buddhist monk. Even with that, it took several centuries and many rebirths, some as a human being and perhaps others as other sentient beings, for me to get back to the study and practice of the Dharma. I am so fortunate to have another “precious human life” after such a short interval, considering that there may be others who have not yet had a “precious human life.” Bearing this in mind how can I consider wasting it on useless pursuits which neither benefit me nor any other sentient being.
As a monk the rules of the Vinaya reduce the conditions for accumulating negative Karma. They also focus our efforts toward constructive pursuits such as study and sadhana practice. Furthermore, so many nonessentials are removed from our lives that we have the opportunity to see what is truly important and apply ourselves to it. Considering the rarity and brevity of a “precious human life,” these are valuable among the many benefits of Vinaya for ourselves and others.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 73 – The Satisfaction in Small Accomplishments

Since I began my radiation treatments in December 2008, I have experienced a decline in what I was capable of doing. Initially, after they ended I began regaining many abilities. The side effects that developed over the course of the treatments seemed to diminish with time. However, after a further passage of time, what were really aftereffects began to show up. These actually centered on the symptoms of radiation colitis. I began to have a problem with rectal bleeding which could occur at any time with no notice.

In the Fall of 2009 we began a series of procedures, beginning with a colonoscopy, to diagnose and treat the lesions that were found. There followed a couple of flexible sigmoidoscopies with the last being, Monday, February 1 ^st. There has not been a single episode of bleeding since that day. As a result I have been able to do things that I had not done for some time.

I attended Meditation practice at the Dharma Center two Wednesdays in a row. I even managed to change the oil in the van, after months of not being able to do any kind of mechanic work. Furthermore, for Brigid's Fire at All World Acres, I was able to fulfill my duties as Fire Tender for the Sweat Lodge ceremony, albeit with a little help from two very good friends.

These developments bring such great satisfaction because they represent such significant improvement in my condition and a return to normal capabilities. Perhaps more importantly, I am again finding ways to be of service to others which I had not been able to do for far too long. Whether it is simply by being part of my sangha, Katsel Dharma Center, or by trying to help raise funds to meet its needs, I am returning to a level of activity that has been long overdue.

Furthermore, my sister and I have been able to get tickets to attend a talk that His Holiness the Dalai Lama will be giving next week in Davie, Florida, and we have a real possibility, indeed probability, of actually getting there. This would have been an impossible drive for me to make just a few weeks ago. Indeed, I could not even be sure about it when we bought our tickets, but I had to act on faith or fail to get the tickets because they sold out rather quickly.

I am also making plans to attend a retreat in Gainesville next month. This is yet another opportunity that did not exist for me such a short time ago. Although there are matters which still have to be worked out, such as being able to afford it, I am now physically capable of attending. Nevertheless, an opportunity for training in Phowa practice is such an important way to prepare to be of service to all sentient beings that I cannot let it pass without trying my utmost to get there.

All the experiences of my life, all the times that I have survived, all the lessons that I have learned, and all of the Dharma teachings that I have received have their true value not in my enlightenment if that should ever come, but in my service to all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 72 – A Follow Up

Last Monday, we had another of what I have come to call our “arc welding” sessions. This time the sedation was sufficient that I did not remember anything about the procedure itself. However, it seems to have been effective enough at cauterizing the bleeding lesions that I have not had an actual episode of bleeding since, although there was a trace of blood in one bowel movement. Of course, I am having to deal with the irritation that it causes in the treated tissues. This makes for a little more frequency and urgency to bowel movements. However, even that is diminishing each day.

On Wednesday night I actually made it to the Dharma Center for the first time in months. It felt good to be there even though I had to sit in a chair rather than on a cushion on the floor. Unfortunately, Sunday afternoon I was not doing well enough to make it there, but this was due to the flare up of my arthritis on such a cold day. Nevertheless, I did manage to start the preliminary steps toward creating an image for a collage that could be sold to support our Dharma Center. Right now it looks as though I will not be able to get what I want by creating it totally digitally, but rather will create the constituent images digitally and print them as photographic prints and assemble them as a mixed media collage on either canvas or wood.

Once again a part of my diverse life experience is finding a new usefulness in the service of others. It seems that nothing I have ever done is totally useless or devoid of value if I apply that experience with the right intention and motivation, taking care that I strive to keep ego out of it. Even episodes in my life of which I am rightly profoundly ashamed, about which I would not speak, serve to make me more compassionate toward others despite their misdeeds and nonvirtuous behavior.

Later this month, my sister and I plan to attend a talk by His Holiness the Dalai Lama. As an emanation of Chenrezig, the Bodhisattva of Compassion, his chief message is for us to be more compassionate toward all living things. This is the context of all our Tibetan Buddhist practice, beginning each session with developing the right motivation and ending by dedicating any merit to the benefit of all sentient beings.