Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 90 - “Surveillance” continues and beyond

Friday, September 23, 2011:
I really don't want to get up this morning! A prostate biopsy is not something I enjoy having. I may look forward to the results, but I don't look forward to the procedure itself. At least the prep is not that rigorous or unpleasant. Nevertheless, an enema in the morning is not my idea of a good start to the day. Stopping my anti-inflammatory meds for a week has left me stiff and achy this morning. Arthritis can be so unforgiving!
As slow as I'm moving and as unmotivated as I am, it is good that the appointment is not too early. Nevertheless, I have gotten there in plenty of time, but I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be, because they seem to do them in different parts of the hospital every time I have one. Fortunately, I'm swiftly guided to the right waiting room, but don't have to wait long before the nurse calls me.
It is so strange that I am so comfortable pulling down my shorts here in mixed company. I guess it helps that the nurse has such a masculine manner that she seems more like “one of the guys.” I couldn't say whether this is from her sexual orientation or the aftereffects of a military career, but it is common among VA staff. However it comes about, I am grateful for it, because this is a far more intimate situation than simple nudity. This is more a matter of feeling vulnerable and trusting the crew working on me. It reminds me of feelings I have had before anesthesia for surgery.
Of course before we get to the actual procedure, we have the paperwork to do which, ironically, is now paperless. I hate these new digital signature pads! You don't see your writing as you write and when you see it, it is inevitably so unlike your normal signature. I guess you get better with practice, because the doctor's looks the same on the computer as it does on paper.
In the lab, with my shorts pulled down and my shantab pulled up I lie on the gurney on my side as the nurse gives me the local anesthetic to prepare me for the procedure. I chat easily with the nurse and the tech as well as the doctor when he comes in, the small talk that helps me be more at ease in such an unnatural situation. At least this time I am more confident that this is simply routine with nothing to find in the specimens that will be taken.
Oddly, despite the overall unnaturalness of the whole situation, everything about the entire procedure seems so familiar and so “normal.” I don't flinch with the spring release on each biopsy needle and even understand the locations that the doctor reports to the nurse to record for each sample. I don't even have the curiosity to see the ultrasound monitor as I had wished to do do during the previous biopsies.
This time I know fully what to expect. It won't be quite as easy a recovery as the first one had been, but it won't be too bad either. I'll have a little bleeding both rectal and urinary, a bit more than some others might because of the anticoagulants I normally take, but it won't last all that long. I also know not to be surprised by how much I'll hurt when the anesthetic wears off. After all, the doctor has just jabbed a dozen holes through my rectum into my prostate gland. At least knowing how much it will hurt, will make it no surprise and keep me from worrying when it does.

Thursday, November 17, 2011.
Finally it is the day for me to get the results of my latest prostate biopsy!! I did get a preview of the results when a nurse practitioner in another clinic looked at the report, but she couldn't really interpret it except to tell me that the word “carcinoma” was not in it. While that was significantly good news, I really want the full interpretation.
Unfortunately, the Urology/Oncology clinic seems to be running behind today. I was about ten minutes past my appointment time seeing the nurse, but it is now fully an hour past the appointment time and I haven't seen the doctor yet. At least I'm not in any kind of pain like some of my fellow patients, but I am still anxious to get whatever news this is. Finally, almost an hour and fifteen minutes late, I am called in to see the doctor. As it turns out I see two doctors, a senior resident and a junior resident.
The junior takes the lead in explaining that my PSA is well within normal bounds, although still not as low as we would wish after radiation therapy. Nevertheless, with no sign of cancer in any biopsy sample we won't be scheduling any more biopsies. Monitoring will just be continuing the PSA tests accompanied with digital rectal examinations. In fact, he does one today and pronounces, based on that and the PSA and the biopsy, that there is no sign of cancer now. I have to comment that I can tell that he lacks some of the experience that other doctors and nurse practitioners who have given me DREs have had, but I do understand that he is gaining that experience in his residency. However, I do wish he had gotten a little more practice before he saw me, because he did seem to be searching for my prostate rather than knowing exactly where it should be.
Now, I feel I should celebrate as I had promised myself long ago by dining on Thai food. Unfortunately, the Thai restaurant that we had in Plant City has closed and I am already short of funds at this point in the month. I have considered the option of going to one of the Thai temples where I would be invited to dine with their monks, but that has not worked out yet on any of the Sundays that I might go. Nevertheless, I shall see whether there is a restaurant in Lakeland or Brandon where I may order takeout. I also look forward to going on a pilgrimage to Wat Florida Dhammaram to visit their shrines as soon as I can manage that.

When I reflect on how I got to this point in this “Journey through Cancer,” I must acknowledge that it has not been just through modern Western medicine that I have reached the state of having no sign of cancer. I have also utilized alternative and herbal medicine bolstered by spiritual practices. These have worked even after the radiation therapy had ceased its beneficial effects. They have also been of great benefit when dealing with the negative aftereffects of that therapy. Moreover the spiritual practices have helped me to see the bigger picture of which this bout with cancer is but a small part.
I am not in this thing alone. Nor have these events in my life been confined to this lifetime in their origins and effects. While I may have some indications of some of the Karmic traces with which I may have entered this particular rebirth, there are most likely others of which I have no clue. Indeed that doesn't matter nearly as much as what I do with them.
Early in my life, in my infancy, I was too immature to know what to do. When I got a little older but not much more mature, I could complain and even feel that it was grossly unfair that I should have to deal with so much medical stuff. At other times, as a science geek, I was fascinated by the technical aspects. Through all of that I was focused on me, me, me.
Only since becoming Buddhist have I come to understand that it is not about me at all. While I indeed am responsible for the Karmic seeds I have planted in the past which have borne fruit in this lifetime, I have the choice of what to do with the circumstances in which I find myself. Each day I must focus my attention on how best to serve all sentient beings. Whether formally or informally practicing Tonglen, whenever I dedicate my pain, my illness, my difficulty or my struggle to the benefit of all beings, sincerely desiring to relieve their pain, their illness, their difficulty or their struggle, indeed all their suffering, my negative Karma is purified. It need not carry forward into future rebirths.
“I rely on you, buddhas and bodhisattvas, until I achieve enlightenment. Please grant me enough wisdom and courage to be free from delusion.
“If I am supposed to get sick, let me get sick, and I’ll be happy. May this sickness purify my negative karma and the sickness of all sentient beings.
“If I am supposed to be healed, let all my sickness and confusion be healed, and I’ll be happy. May all sentient beings be healed and filled with happiness.
“If I am supposed to die, let me die and I’ll be happy. May all the delusion and the causes of suffering of beings die.
“If I am supposed to live a long life, let me live a long life and I’ll be happy. May my life be meaningful in service to sentient beings.
“If my life is to be cut short, let it be cut short and I’ll be happy. May I and all others be free from attachment and aversion.”

Aspirations

As I travel I am keenly aware of my responsibility to all other Buddhists, especially Tibetan Buddhist monks. Even as a getsul and a "young monk in an old body," I know that I am nothing special but just the phenomenon that results from certain causes under certain conditions.I know I am not the ideal monk and I know I am a "baby" Buddhist and "baby" monk, nevertheless I share the Dharma as well as I can and do not hesitate to say, "I don't know."

I have been most blessed in my life. Back in June 2009, I was most fortunate to meet His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche, a genuine mahasiddha. That was a life changing event for me. However, I had not been able to find another opportunity to receive his teachings until this year. I do not intend to allow that much time pass before I see him again. At our ages I cannot waste that much time.

Therefore, I aspire to go our to Garchen Institute in Chino Valley, Arizona. I am not sure when or how. The two occasions which most appeal to me are:

1) Late December to attend Phowa and Bardo teachings and bring in the Western New Year with Rinpoche.

or 2) To go to the Yamantaka Retreat in February, not to attend the retreat, but rather to serve the retreat. I am not ready for such a retreat, but, “I exist to serve.”

I don't know which of these is within my reach to do or even whether either of them is. Nevertheless, I have researched the least expensive way to get there which is by Greyhound Bus to Flagstaff and local shuttle to Chino Valley. I do plan to undertake my own fundraising by looking for things around here that I may sell on eBay, perhaps even making a few craft items for it as well.

Food Not Bombs - Why Doesn't Everybody Get the Idea?

Today I spent my day with a bunch of kids who are all probably less than half my age. Anarchists everyone, as far as I know. I hope that I can call them my friends, because they are doing what so many “respectable people” are not doing, feeding hungry people. No sermon, no politics, just vegan food served to whoever comes up. They are open enough to accept me, a Tibetan Buddhist monk, to join them in their work.
We began at 11:00 AM preparing the meal. I peeled and chopped onions and washed and peeled potatoes, while someone else cut up the potatoes and someone else peeled and chopped garlic. We each had some part in preparing the soup, if only taste testing it. A rice cooker made the rice simple and foolproof. Green beans sautéed with garlic and tomatoes rounded out the menu. In true anarchist fashion nobody was really in charge and everyone contributed to the effort.
The product of our morning's labor was put into insulated transport containers and loaded onto a bike trailer with the sign, the table, the utensils and the water container. Another bike trailer was loaded with donated bread, maybe a day or so old, but the kind that I cannot afford to buy. While they bicycled to Boston Common, I caught buses and the subway to get there. Unfortunately, the spot on a church's steps where we served last Friday was blocked with a rope and marked with a “No Trespassing” sign. Undaunted, the kids set up on the sidewalk on that side of Boston Common which was easily wide enough.
From our place on the sidewalk, we served soup and rice and green beans to whoever wanted it. It was free as was the bread that anyone could take as much as they desired. There was a container for donations, but none were expected nor even requested. Furthermore, everyone was treated with equal courtesy and respect, no matter what their circumstances or appearance might be. Moreover, not only did I recognize some of our guests from last Friday, but also the kids very obviously knew many of them quite well.
I describe these young people as “Anarchists,” but there is a diversity of views within the spectrum of that category. There are probably some who have as little use for Marxist doctrine as they do for the Tea Party agenda. While they have great respect for everyone seeing them as equals, they might have a little trouble maintaining equanimity toward those who gave us obviously disapproving looks. At my age and with my training especially as a Buddhist, I can see all of these people as equal in their suffering even if it is of different kinds.
Nevertheless, I plan to continue volunteering with these kids to cook and serve free food. I am truly sad that there are places where this is not possible, either because there is not a functioning group or because it is being actively persecuted. At this time when the fortunes of so many have suffered a reversal, how can we not show compassion by feeding the hungry? Don't we all realize that it could so easily be us who are needing to be fed? Indeed from my point of view as a Buddhist IT IS US!

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 89 – Not The End Really, But Another Beginning

Over the past couple of months I have gone through an interesting, exciting and dramatic progression of ceremonies, each building on the other and with a definite spiritual direction. Since the series was not planned, it would seem that it bears signs of positive Karmic seeds reaching fruition. As I wrote previously, I was able to attend a teaching with Garchen Rinpoche in Philadelphia where I took Bodhisattva vows very simply. Later I was able to attend the Drikung Kagyu Great Bodhicitta Empowerment with Nubpa Rinpoche at Tibetan Meditation Center in Frederick, Maryland. That I described as Bodhisattva vows “long form.”

In July I was most fortunate to attend the Kalachakra for World Peace 2011 with His Holiness the Dalai Lama. Since the Kalachakra Empowerment is very powerful and the Kalachakra practice is seen as a very effective means toward Buddhahood, vows are part of the preparation for it. Upasika (householder) vows were given, because it represents a higher level of commitment than being nominally Buddhist. Bodhisattva vows were given, because “without compassion there is no enlightenment.” Tantric vows were given, because the Kalachakra practice is a higher tantric practice although not highest tantric practice.

The first day of the event was actually the celebration of His Holiness the Dalai Lama's 76 ^th birthday. Then the prayers of the next five days were preparatory for the empowerment with His Holiness teaching in the afternoons of the latter three days. He taught us about meditation and about the life of a bodhisattva. Not coincidentally, I was able to attend a screening of “For the Benefit of All Beings,” the life story of His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche, a genuine mahasiddha. Furthermore, I was fortunate to be sitting only two rows back from Rinpoche at the Kalachakra event for the first few days until he was invited to be among the monastics on the stage. The Kalachakra Empowerment was only Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of the second week. At that, each of those days began with the “ self generation prayers” of His Holiness and the monks from his monastery and Wednesday was called “Preliminary Empowerment of Students.” Nevertheless, for a preliminary, it was very powerful and nature seemed to echo the energy with a thunderstorm, perhaps because serious commitments were being made as vows were taken. The next two afternoons were likewise dramatic and profoundly moving.

Furthermore, the logistical task of distributing saffron water and other needs for the ceremonies to so large a crowd was handled so well that it seemed no great feat at all. Words cannot express properly my feelings as I sought by intention and attention to participate as fully as possible in the empowerment especially when the monastics on stage stood in for the rest of us when it would have been impossible for us to touch or be touched by a ritual object. On such occasions, space and time are not limiting factors to such spiritual practices.

However not all the experiences that made this event so special and life-changing happened inside the Verizon Center as part of the scheduled activities. For one thing, from the start I found myself receiving honors above my place including from monastics very much senior to me. Indeed I realized that I have to go beyond my joking about being “a baby monk in an old body” to consciously dedicating the honors to monks who deserve such honor and may not receive it. For an example of deep humility I had before me daily His Holiness the Dalai Lama who says so often, “I am just a simple monk.” As if that were not enough, there was also Garchen Rinpoche who says, “I have no special qualities.” Indeed, it is his example that keeps me reminding myself that this phenomenon which you know as Konchok Jangchup Dorje or any other name is but the product of certain causes under certain conditions and anything which may seem praiseworthy is just the result of that.

I was most fortunate to stay at Chua Hoa Nghiem, a Vietnamese Buddhist temple in Fort Belvoir, Virginia. The generosity, kindness and hospitality not only of the couple who arranged it but also of the abbot and the other guests staying there was overwhelming. To that I have to add the very great generosity of so many toward the ordained was so great that it felt like my heart would burst from the profound gratitude that I felt and continue to feel. However, when I spoke of this to a friend, she pointed out to me the obligation that I bear on my side of this relationship to practice for these generous donors, indeed to be the best monk that I can be for them. As another friend put it, I am a monk for him, because he knows he cannot be one. Once again, just as in my ordination, it is not about me, but rather about how I may benefit others.

Since I was a teenager, people have seemed to instinctively find me someone in whom they can confide in spite of not being all that mature at the time. Throughout many years this has continued and indeed was part of my service as a Christian clergyman. My robes naturally add to this and I find myself talking with people who might not approach me in “civilian clothes.” Now maybe I have a little more to give them when I can share a little bit of the Dharma with them. This same phenomenon occurred as I traveled about the DC area whether walking, riding the train or doing business in an office or store. Indeed, I think that something about the whole experience of the Kalachakra event increased it. Here again it is not about me, but rather about being of benefit to sentient beings.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama, as an emanation of the bodhisattva of compassion, Chenrezig, often talks about compassion and loving-kindness. He has even stated that compassion and altruism are practical and make good sense. However, there are many who are skeptical of that view. Nevertheless, I had an experience which showed at least one way that it is clearly true. On the second Thursday of the event, after the “Preliminary Empowerment of Students,” the Vietnamese abbot and I and a couple of other people headed to the subway station to make our way back to the temple. As we approached the platform we encountered a “ human traffic jam,” a great mass of people pushing and shoving but not going anywhere. I do not do well with crowds, too many people too close together. Normally I experience serious anxiety. On this occasion, as usual I began to feel anxious. However, another person and I conceived to make a path for the abbot and set out to make a way in the crowd and eventually got through. At that point I realized that I was not anxious nor did I become so afterward. Completely focused on the wellbeing of the abbot, no anxiety arose at all. Here again it is not about me, but rather about being of benefit to sentient beings.

With about 850 monastics attending the Kalachakra for World Peace 2011, it seems strange that I should be among the few that non-Buddhists and very new Buddhists found to be particularly approachable. Nevertheless, I was repeatedly asked questions and sought out to explain things. Whatever the reason behind it, I was able so often to share a little of the Dharma with some people who may not get another chance to encounter it. In that I am including those whom I met on the streets, in stores and on trains and buses which seems to be the norm in my life. Here again it is not about me, but rather about being of benefit to sentient beings.

Having spent time around Garchen Rinpoche and also having seen the documentary film of his life, it is clear that he sees the reason for his existence as being of benefit to all beings. Indeed, he was born yet another time for no other purpose in his view and in the view of others. While I am not on the same level as a realized being, I have long maintained, “I exist to serve.” This was a seed that sprouted during my time as Christian clergy and grew during my period of Native American and Pagan spirituality and now is beginning to mature in my life as a Tibetan Buddhist monk. This isn't some dull, dreary and drab mode of existence, but an exciting, rewarding, satisfying, fulfilling way to live, to truly live. Here again it is not about me, but rather about being of benefit to sentient beings.

When I decided to take monastic ordination as a Tibetan Buddhist monk, I resigned myself to the “ facts” that I could never be a lama and that I could never spend very long in a monastery in India or Nepal. Since my source of health care is the Veterans Administration system, I cannot go longer than six months and still receive my regular medications. This has seemed to be immutable truth. However, now that I have survived cancer and not only by conventional medical treatments but also by utilizing alternatives that have included herbs, nutrition, and spiritual practices, it seems entirely possible that there might be a path to better health. Indeed I might be able to follow a course which would get me to a sufficiently good state of health that three year retreat or an extended stay in an overseas monastery might be possible. Either of those possibilities could give me greater means to be of service to others, perhaps even having more than the little bit of Dharma that I have active in my life at present. Here again it is not about me, but rather about being of benefit to sentient beings.

When I reflect on my life as I have lived it up to the present moment, I have tried many things, not all of them successfully. Indeed there are a lot that would fall into the category of nonvirtue, but at least not into the category of heinous acts. However, there is nothing that I have ever done that is totally wasted, no matter how much I may regret having done it, as long as it may be turned to the benefit of others. Indeed, those very things are among the causes and conditions that have resulted in the phenomenon we know as Konchok Jangchup Dorje who hopes now to be of benefit to all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 88 – On the Road for the Dharma - continued

The time now comes for my first “snow bird” summer in Boston. While most people prefer to fly, because it is the fastest mode of travel, my preferred mode of travel is by train. Therefore, I choose the train whenever I can, and I booked this trip on Amtrak.

As I travel on the train, I am keenly aware of my responsibility to all other Buddhists, especially Tibetan Buddhist monks. Even as a getsul and a "young monk in an old body," I know that I am nothing special but just the phenomenon that results from certain causes under certain conditions. Nevertheless, the time spent talking to two inebriated young men with compassion, loving-kindness, and complete acceptance is also the result of those same causes and conditions. Out of it, perhaps they may gain something toward spiritual growth.

Inevitably, almost every aspect of a trip like this is an act of sharing the Dharma. Many people I meet as I travel by train or bus have never met any kind of monk, much less a Tibetan Buddhist monk. While I know I am not the ideal monk and I know I am a "baby" Buddhist and "baby" monk, nevertheless I share the Dharma as well as I can and do not hesitate to say, "I don't know."

This morning a situation developed which seemed appropriate for the practice of tonglen. A condition of conflict arose between a small group of passengers and a member of the train staff. It was clearly a matter of misunderstanding and misperception, especially considering that the group had been drinking. Nevertheless, there was nothing I could do directly. Therefore, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to practice tonglen to provide concrete help.

After quietly saying a few opening prayers, I began meditating on taking away their suffering and giving them peace. At the same time, I was turning my prayer wheel. I am not particularly experienced in the practice of tonglen. Therefore when the level of tension subsided and peace prevailed, I am inclined to attribute it to the blessings Chenrezig through the prayer wheel. About all that I supplied was the good intention, the opening prayers, the turning of the prayer wheel, and the dedication.

This is like the benefit my fellow train passengers receive from seeing me, because I am wearing the "Liberation through Seeing" pin that H.E. Garchen Rinpoche gave away. One passenger may have given himself even more benefit by photographing me with it visible. Furthermore, spinning my prayer wheel spreads so many blessings.

I keep reminding myself that I have taken Bodhisattva vows. Therefore, in addition to my concept that I exist to serve, I have made the commitment not only to follow the path to Buddhahood but also to lead every sentient being along the same path.

While on the train on the night before I am to arrive in Boston, after turning my cell phone off for the night, I received a call that I would have a place to stay in Washington, DC, for the entire Kalachakra for Peace event. Furthermore, upon arriving at the center in Arlington, MA, I find out that the group will be driving to DC. However, before these developments came to fruition, I had reached the decision that, having been chosen for a ticket, I would attend even though I might not have lodgings or a better way to travel. In that case I planned that I would take a Greyhound bus to arrive early on July 6 ^th, that I would attend only the birthday celebration for His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and that I would take the bus back to Boston that same night. As I told someone after I got to Boston, I had concluded that, if I had to make that Greyhound ride, it would likely have been that someone on those buses needed exposure to the Dharma and perhaps the blessings from the prayer wheel.

As we say in the second half of our prayer “ Taking the Bodhisattva Vow,” “ As the previous Buddhas cultivated the enlightened mind and progressed on the bodhisattva's path, I too, for the benefit of all sentient beings, give birth to Bodhicitta and Apply myself to accomplish the stages of the path.”

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 88 – On the Road for the Dharma

In early May we set out from central Florida on a road trip, a Dharma road trip. Our first destination was Queens, New York, where we were delivering a lady to her friend's home as she was moving back to New York. On the way we sometimes chanted mantras and I sometimes read the 37 Bodhisattva Practices which we discussed. Sometimes the lady we were helping move home would say Yoruba prayers as we crossed rivers. We took the more “scenic route” to be able to show her Myrtle Beach and other sights. When we did stop for the night, the ladies shared a room and I had a room to myself. After we arrived in Queens and unloaded the van, we were treated to an excellent homemade supper and took another overnight rest.

Departing Queens in the morning, we headed for Boston where the sponsor of this trip took care of family matters while I had a good visit with my Lama. I am most fortunate that I have as patient a Lama as I do, because I am not the best at communicating with him as I should nor am I as swift at putting into practice his advice. Nevertheless, he still works with me and doesn't give up on me.

Back in June 2009, I was most fortunate to meet His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche, a genuine mahasiddha. That was a life changing event for me. However, I had not been able to find another opportunity to receive his teachings. Most fortunately, I have now been able to attend additional teachings that he gave as well as a White Tara Retreat that he led.

First, we managed to get to the last afternoon session of teachings he gave in Philadelphia. Indeed this might have been the most fortuitous circumstance in that, although we missed the actual “teachings,” we arrived just in time for a question and answer session. Significantly, there were several questions that I should have asked at some time but never did. These answers were very important for me to hear.

Another important part of our experience with Rinpoche is that we were able to hear his teachings on Bodhisattva vows and receive the vows from him. Although I had wanted to take the vows before, I had not been able to do so yet.

We were next able to attend the White Tara Retreat at Mahwah, New Jersey. Although I had already more than once received a White Tara empowerment, receiving it from Garchen Rinpoche is a very powerful experience. The particular sadhana text that we used is especially dramatic in its visualizations and chants and itself a very moving experience. Furthermore, practicing several times a day with Rinpoche himself is a very powerful spiritual experience. I even learned to play the damaru and bell better by following Rinpoche's lead.

Nevertheless, perhaps the most significant aspect of the whole four days was being in Rinpoche's presence. I was most fortunate that he invited me to sit next to him at most of the meals. One of the things he had talked about in the question and answer session in Philadelphia was that we should quit eating just at the point that we have ceased to be hungry rather than eating until we are sated. Although I had understood this principle, I had always found that point hard to identify and stopping at that point most difficult to do. In Rinpoche's presence, I not only identified when I had ceased to be hungry, but also managed to stop eating when I reached it. I have continued to be able to recognize the point, but I have not always stopped eating when I should. Nonetheless, I can continue to work on it.

When the retreat was over, it was hard to leave. Not only did we want to spend more time with Rinpoche, but we also had made friends with people that we would not soon see again, because we live so far apart. As we did leave, we planned our return trip to Florida to take us far from New York City, because, on our way to Mahwah, we had gotten caught in a construction zone and lost track of highway signs resulting in our taking the Holland Tunnel and driving north through the length of Manhattan. In order to avoid a repeat of that driving experience we headed west into Pennsylvania far enough before heading south that we would be nowhere near New York City. However, we got a little lost in Amish country before getting back to the Interstate Highway System. Sometimes we were driving slowly behind Amish buggies and sometimes behind Mennonite tractors. We were chanting mantras, especially the White Tara mantra. Sometimes we opened the window and chanted the Amitabha mantra at the cows, wishing them a rebirth in Dewachen or at least a better rebirth than this one.

After returning home to Florida, it was only a couple of weeks before I was heading out on another Dharma road trip. There had just been teachings in Pinellas County by the 12 ^th Nubpa Tulku Konchok Tenzin Rinpoche, but I had not been able to get to any of them. I had my biopsy on the first day of the teachings and was not sufficiently recovered from it to make the remaining two days. Therefore, since this was the first U.S, trip for this very special teacher, I was highly motivated to attend whatever of his teachings I might.

On this trip, I set out alone in my sponsor's car to rendezvous with her at one of the DC airports. According to Google Maps that would take from fourteen and a half hours to twenty and a half hours, depending on whether I took the Interstate Highways or the older roads. Since I would be driving alone and at my age I need frequent “pit stops,” I planned to switch back and forth between these routes. Furthermore, with the expected arrival time of my sponsor's flight, there was no point in getting to the DC area too early.

Therefore, after a nap, with the White Tara mantra on the CD player, I set off for a late night drive north. Furthermore, since the car has a display which shows current fuel economy, in another effort to maintain alertness, I decided to make a game of seeing how economically I could drive. Chanting the White Tara mantra with the CD, I sought to project compassion and serenity to all those on the road with me. Occasionally I even sought to generate myself as White Tara in keeping with the practice we did at the White Tara Retreat although I could not stop to read from the text but rather did what I could from memory.

I truly do not know about the benefit of my part in those spiritual practices, but I am certain of the sense which stayed with me that I was not traveling alone and that Arya Tara was indeed blessing my fellow travelers. More than once I was behind an eighteen-wheeler that was wandering from one side to the other of its lane, sometimes crossing the line, only to see them get safely to a rest stop without incident. I cannot know that what I did benefited them, but I felt sure that Tara looked after them, just as I am sure that she looked after me.

I followed US301 through most of the Carolinas which turned out to be most interesting to see the crops in the fields and the wild flowers in bloom. I also saw daylilies growing wild. I even saw something that looked like wheat growing in some fields although I was not aware of wheat being grown in this area. Indeed, if it was wheat, it was a variety which grew shorter than what I am used to seeing. Nevertheless, this and the beautiful small towns made for an interesting ride compared to the boring sights along I95. I also made note of the cheaper motels in case I needed to find one on the return trip.

As I approached Washington, DC, I used GPS navigation on my phone to get through the maze of highways to find the airport. Nevertheless, between the highway construction on I395 and an accident on a ramp, I found myself in a traffic jam just inching along. Since I was moving only a few feet at a time until I got out of the congested area, I not only chanted the White Tara mantra but I also started spinning my prayer wheel. Perhaps all those drivers needed the blessings radiating from the prayer wheel as well as those from the mantra. I am only certain that I remained perfectly calm and peaceful throughout the delay. By the time I reached Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport's cellphone lot, it was evening again. However, my sponsor's flight had been canceled due to bad weather along the route. Not being allowed to be there longer than one hour, I set out for a coffee shop where I could wait while she made her new flight arrangements. Just as the GPS features on my phone had helped me find my way to this airport as well as helping me navigate a few other times already, it showed me coffee shops across the Potomac, in an area called “Crystal City.”

“Crystal City” turned out to be a very upscale collection of hotels and shops and high-rise office buildings. As it happened, all three coffee shops that had shown up from the Internet were already closed by the time I got there. A quick glance at the posted menus at the restaurants in the area showed me that I couldn't afford anything on them. Nevertheless, perhaps these people also needed the blessings radiating from my prayer wheel in addition to just the experience of seeing a Tibetan Buddhist monk. At least a few responded with a slight bow and the greeting, “Namaste,” indicating that they had some idea what I am. In any case, I soon got the call that I needed to get to Baltimore Washington International Airport in a few hours. As it turned out this little excursion was brief enough that I had not incurred a fee for parking, but I did have quite a challenge getting out of the area and back onto a highway.

By the time I got to the part of Maryland near BWI, I had been awake far too long to be safe to drive. Therefore, I checked for a motel that I could afford, but the first few were a bit too costly, especially considering that there would be less than five hours until the flight should arrive. Continuing to look, I found some that rented their rooms by the hour which I could afford. I had not been in a hotel or motel that rented by the hour since my days as a drunken sailor. Interestingly, the young man who rented the room (cash transaction, no ID required) asked me about my robes and I explained that I am a Tibetan Buddhist monk. When I got into my room, I decided that it might not be good to turn back the covers and laid on top of the instead. I soon realized that I could not fall asleep. Therefore, I spent the time chanting, meditating and spinning the prayer wheel until time to get my shower to refresh me for the drive to the airport.

When I went into the airport area, I had trouble finding their cellphone lot and wound up making several circuits of the roads within the airport complex. I even went twice around what would be called the “perimeter road” which encircled the entire property. As soon as I reached at the cellphone lot and parked, I got my call to meet my sponsor at the terminal. We then set out for Boston where Nubpa Rinpoche would be giving a Milarepa Empowerment and teaching on the 100,000 Songs of Milarepa as well as giving a Hayagriva Empowerment on the weekend.

I was most fortunate to be able to receive these empowerments from this specific teacher. A number of people commented on how powerful they were. One lady, comparing the experience with a teaching she had received from a modern Western teacher, said of Nubpa Rinpoche, “He's the real deal.” Personally, I was most profoundly blessed that my Lama directed me to sit immediately to Rinpoche's left at the foot of the stairs by which he went up to the throne. This placed me, according to traditional protocol, in the place of honor only second after his chief attendant and translator, a place I could not deserve but which I was profoundly honored to have had, once I realized its significance.

I was also most honored to take most of my meals with Rinpoche, including going out to eat along with him as one of the monastics when he was invited out to eat. On one such occasion I even was directed by my Lama to participate in the blessing of a home. On another occasion I was an embarrassment by almost falling into a piece of furniture because I had been too foolish to bring my cane with us. Nevertheless, Rinpoche's compassion, loving-kindness and bodhicitta were always apparent. Indeed, I came to feel that he was the definition of “Rinpoche,” a precious one.

On the Monday after the weekend's teachings, a group of us accompanied him to the airport to see him off with katags. Having grabbed the first one at hand before leaving, it turned out to be one of the elaborate ones with all the auspicious symbols in color. While I felt it was perfectly appropriate for how I felt about Rinpoche, I was not sure it was appropriate for a monk to give. Nevertheless, I presented to Rinpoche fully intending to be at his teachings in Frederick, Maryland, the next morning. Having done my laundry and packed, I took a nap before leaving.

Although I maintained a good speed on the highway and was well supported by chanting the White Tara mantra as I drove, my need for frequent “pit stops” put me behind schedule. As it turned out, I arrived after the morning session with the “Ten Dharma Activity” empowerment had already begun. I chose to sit outside on the porch to avoid creating a disturbance and only joined the other monastics inside after the first break.

I soon volunteered to handle “Lama care” which included supplying Rinpoche with his tea. For me this is a very practical extension of Guru Yoga, to serve them with devotion. I felt great joy when Rinpoche told me that I should teach everyone else the recipe for making his tea as it had been made that morning, but I had to humble myself enough to admit to him that although I had made it right, I had also made all the mistakes before that time.

For three and a half days RInpoche taught the Uttaratantra Shastra- the key text on buddhanature and more importantly the main sutra source for Gampopa, Phagmo Drukpa and Jikten Sumgon's mahamudra teachings. These are very profound teachings and I still have not completed transcribing my notes. Most fortunately he also gave us the reading transmission, because I shall probably take a long time studying this fundamental text.

On the weekend, he gave us the "Drikung Great Bodhicitta Generation” empowerment and the related teachings. While this is indeed about generating not only aspiration and action bodhicitta but also ultimate bodhicitta in the mindstream of the student, it is also the taking of Bodhisattva vows in what I would call “long form.” Having so recently taken them with Garchen Rinpoche, it strikes me as not entirely coincidental that Garchen Rinpoche was involved in preparing the text that Nubpa Rinpoche used with us. Also as the ritual involved making offerings to the Lama as the Buddha it seemed most auspicious that I had already been doing so as my duty in “Lama care” and even had made flower offerings by providing a small fresh bouquet of mountain laurel for Rinpoche's desk each day.

This was a most profoundly moving and life changing experience for me. The teachings not only deepened my appreciation for the vows and my commitment for keeping them, but also provided me with practical means for preser4ving and renewing them on a daily basis. Furthermore, Rinpoche explained the steps to mend them, provided we do not let our breach go for longer than one day.

Unfortunately, I could not stay past the weekend because I had a medical appointment that I could not change. Therefore, having washed and packed my clothes, I again set out on the road in the night. This time my goal was to get past Washington, DC, and Richmond, Virginia, before their rush hour traffic. Again I had the White Tara mantra playing on the CD and I chanted along with it. I held the firm commitment to preserve compassion and loving-kindness and whatever little bit of bodhicitta existed in my mindstream.

While I started out from Frederick off of the main highway guided by GPS navigation, it soon seemed that my route was too far off the main highways and I changed the settings to find the Interstate Highways. I had set out early enough that there would not be so much traffic on them anyway. I guess Arya Tara's blessings got spread through these residential and country neighborhoods before they began to be spread to the other drivers on the highways. For much of my drive I alternated between I95 and US301 which helped me avoid the traffic backed up by an accident on the Interstate and gave me the opportunity for a country breakfast.

Although I had already begun looking for a motel room that I could afford, when I reached Lumberton, NC, I knew I had to find one soon. I was too sleepy to drive safely any farther. I was fortunate to find a truckers motel, clean and economical. As it turned out the manager was from India and felt that his sons should know about and appreciate Buddhism even though they are Christian. Unfortunately, I had no books with me that I could have given him (but I mailed him something after I got home). In the predawn hours, having gotten a few provisions for the road and then a good night's sleep, I set out on the road again. By the afternoon, I was returning my sponsor's car and driving my little old pick up back home.

Although the road trip was over, its effects are still evident. I often say, “I exist to serve.” Bodhisattva vows are just the natural extension of that for me as a Tibetan Buddhist monk. I cannot always say how that service may develop, but I must always be ready to act in service of all sentient beings. Furthermore, I must strive vigilantly to preserve these vows from the least attitude or inclination which might be contrary to the compassion and loving-kindness and bodhicitta which must always be the governing principles of my life.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 87 - “Surveillance”

I am now in the phase of this “journey through cancer” that is called “surveillance” during which tests continue to be run to find out whether the cancer has returned. This can be a very fearful time if one has reason to expect the cancer to come back and has no spiritual resources to deal with the uncertainty inherent in this situation.
As a Buddhist I know that whatever the present situation may be, it will change. Such is the nature of impermanence, a basic characteristic of our samsaric existence. Furthermore, I am also certain that my present circumstances result from my decisions and actions in the past, what we call Karma. However, because we are really talking about cause and effect, there are several very bright and promising aspects to this truth. Since all phenomena arise from causes under certain conditions, while I may not be able to alter the cause, I can change the conditions under which it comes to fruition. Moreover, my present decisions and actions create my future which should be good if I maintain altruistic motivation, compassion and loving-kindness.
Recently when I spoke of this “surveillance” phase, a friend said she knew several people who were “under surveillance” because of their past brushes with the law. However, it is not I who am under surveillance, but rather the possible returning cancer. Since my PSA has not gone under 1.0 after the radiation therapy and has twice gone over 4.0, even though it went back down, a prostate biopsy was done. Eleven of the twelve specimens showed no adenocarcinoma cells, but one showed, “Single, Rare atypical cells identified, suspicious for residual treated prostatic adenocarcinoma.” Nevertheless, the overall finding was, “No definitive adenocarcinoma is identified.” With such mixed results another biopsy was scheduled in six months.
I am also going to have another cystoscopy, because in the last one there were some lesions which the urologist felt bore watching. While most of the lesions which “probably” caused the bleeding which sent me to the ER are consistent with what should be expected after radiation therapy, a few were “suspicious.” We'll have another look at those.
Biopsies and cystoscopies are not pleasant procedures which I would rather not have to experience, but I really do not fear their results. If they should show some more cancer cells, we would have decisions to make as far as the next course of treatment. However, under the present circumstances I have my full array of alternatives to continue as preventative measures. I will continue to drink my “medicinal chai” and eat my “medicinal noodles,” but more importantly I shall continue my spiritual practices, Medicine Buddha sadhana practice, “one cure for a hundred ailments” inner yoga practice, and water blessed by “Karmapa black stone relics.” Moreover, as long as I have the strength and means I shall continue to study the Dharma both privately and at public teachings as opportunities arise.
I think this is another time to recall the three fierce mantras of Tsangpa Gyaré, “Whatever has to happen, let it happen!” “Whatever the situation is, it’s fine!” “I don’t need anything whatsoever (but the Dharma)!” And I really don't need anything except the Dharma which is what will get me through any situation whatever in which I find myself. Furthermore, it will keep me focused on what is truly important, being of service to all sentient beings and leading them all to Enlightenment.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 86 - Testing, Testing....

As we progress through the testing to follow up on both the high PSA which has since gone down and the urinary bleeding which has since cleared up, I had to have a cystoscopy. Although the fiberoptic "scope" is not nearly as large as the one used for a colonoscopy, it is also passing through a much smaller structure. My previous experience with this procedure was "pain-free," but this time it was not. Oddly, at that time I had a painfully overly full bladder in addition to painful urination, but not even the anesthetic injections hurt. This time I have painful injections and end up with painful urination after the anesthetic wore off and even a little bleeding. Nevertheless, the pain did go away.
I would have hoped to have some definitive answers, but the results were mixed. There are lesions that are consistent with normal post-radiation changes which were probably the source of the bleeding. However, there are also some which bear watching to see whether they develop into a problem. Thus I am to be scheduled for another cystoscopy in a couple of months. At least it won't be the same day as the biopsy which would be too much in one day.
Despite the better PSA, it does seem best that the biopsy be done, because this is the second time since the radiation therapy that my PSA went too high and then came back down. Furthermore, my PSA has never gotten below 1 which would have been the expected value after successful radiation treatments. Of course, after the biopsy is done, I have to wait weeks for the result. Furthermore, this time the aftereffects were more significant to the extent that I was concerned that the bleeding would last long enough that I had to go back to the VA Hospital about it. That would have been very annoying because I already missed some very special teachings in the Tampa Bay area and I would have also missed out on the chance to receive teachings from His Eminence Garchen Rinpoche and attend a retreat led by him.
I see that I exist to serve, which means that I need to seek opportunities to serve as well as learning to serve. Furthermore, I must carefully survey the circumstances in which I find myself to find ways that they may be transformed into something which benefits others. One of the great truths of Buddhism is that we do not exist alone, but depend on others and others depend on us. We are not separate from all sentient beings, but rather are connected to them both by interdependence and by familial relationships.

An Armadillo Funeral

This morning as soon as I could handle it, the armadillo that I had found dead in my driveway last night got a respectful burial. I am sure that it had had a difficult life as any wild animal would which finds itself living in close proximity to human beings. Furthermore, its body had been partially eaten last night when I found it and even more during the night.
I cannot say that it was an elegant funeral, but rather more of a pragmatic burial. In fact, I don't know what should be done for a proper Buddhist funeral and I am not a Lama or even a Bhikkhu. Nevertheless I chanted the Amitabha mantra and tried to focus my mind on the intention that this poor animal would have a good rebirth, perhaps as a human being. Afterward, I placed a wide board over the site in order that the body not be disturbed again but be able to peacefully decay.
In the light of many Buddhist teachings and principles, this was a great lesson. Once again we see another example of impermanence, in that everything born will die. Furthermore, I was given an opportunity to practice loving-kindness and compassion by chanting mantras and hoping for its good rebirth. Moreover, this was a good reminder that we are all related to all other sentient beings. Finally, we are so often reminded that all the good we do is for the benefit of all sentient beings such as this poor armadillo.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 85 – Waiting and Preparing continues

The results of the culture of the urine specimen have come back negative. Nothing grew. Of course this points up the reason the urologist was not in a hurry to order the cystoscopy, the risk of introducing contamination into the sterile environment of the bladder. However, the urinalysis also revealed red blood cells which did not surprise me, because there have been a few more occasions of minor bleeding sufficient to tint my urine pink but not nearly as much as sent me to the ER.

A consequence of the little bit of blood in the urine is that, even though it is too little to see, it irritates the bladder enough to cause “urinary urgency.” On a couple of occasions I have not been fast enough getting to the bathroom. Therefore, I am going to make two adjustments. First, I have packed my “just in case bag” again, this time to handle my needs if I have a urinary accident away from home. Second, I have begun wearing urinary incontinence pads anytime I leave the house. I really had not anticipated taking these measures at this point, although I expected to need them once we got through diagnosis and treatment planning and the actual therapy had begun. Nevertheless, this has been characteristic of this particular journey, adapting to situations as they arise no matter what the plan might have been.

I benefit neither myself nor anyone else unless I am dealing with my circumstances as they actually are, not trying to fit them into the mold of what I would want them to be or to any form that I might imagine them to be. Indeed, in part, wasn't the Buddha's enlightenment about seeing reality as it truly is rather than being deceived by any illusion or delusion. Of course, I realize that my perception of reality is far from the state of enlightenment, but I also recognize that in that perception is a great power for change. Indeed, I am not using my feeble power in an effort to change the course of the universe, but rather using that power which I do have to change what is within my scope to change.

After many discussions of good and bad Karma, I have come to believe that there is no such thing as bad Karma. While I would not likely have chosen my circumstances of dealing with nearly dying so often and having so much medical stuff in my life, I can see the good that has come of it as well as understanding the origins of it in my own actions in previous rebirths. Karma is Karma. The causes were created by the decisions I made and the actions that I took. Now I have to ride out the waves of their consequences. Here in Florida, when a storm is offshore surfers flock to the beaches to ride the waves that come from it. They find their enjoyment in those waves regardless of the destructive power that created them. Similarly, the “wave” is here, I might as well find the good in riding it to shore.

I already know that my experience has benefited others when I have done hospital visitation. However, that was as Christian clergy which opened the door for me more than now as a Buddhist monk. Perhaps I need to be more persistent in making my availability known to the chaplains of the local hospitals and hospice organizations. While health issues may put some limits on my ability to serve in this manner, I have to put forth a greater effort, because this is not about me but about being of greatest benefit to other sentient beings.

The third and fourth of the “six perfections” are patience and perseverance (or diligence). While I wouldn't claim to have fully accomplished or to faultlessly practice the first and second, generosity and ethics, my present circumstances are giving me extensive opportunities to practice patience and perseverance.

Patiently or impatiently I have to wait the time it takes for tests to be scheduled and the results to be interpreted. I can do little to speed up the process. However, I do have control over how much discomfort the waiting causes. This is particularly true since I have a course of action that does not depend on the results of the tests or the diagnosis that ultimately comes from them.

This is where perseverance or diligence comes into the picture. Whether is is the nutritional support and alternative therapy basics or the spiritual practices, both need to be carried out on a continuing basis. If I am to get their benefits, I need to keep up drinking the herbal teas and eating the “medicinal noodles” and the greens. Furthermore, as I was taught about the “one cure for a hundred diseases,” I am supposed to do it daily for twenty-one days. At least I am remaining consistent in drinking the water blessed by the Karmapa black stone relics, even making my coffee and tea with it.

At this stage, my PSA has gone back down to be within the “normal” range. Nevertheless, we are going ahead with the cystoscopy and the biopsy. Of course this makes sense, because it is the second time that my PSA has gone high and then come back down.

Several weeks ago when I visited the Thai Buddhist temple in Kissimmee, I explained to the abbot that I was there to visit the shrines, because there was a possibility that the cancer had come back. He very offhandedly said, “They won't find anything.” I hope he is right. If that should be the result (a significant possibility since the PSA is down), I could view it in two different ways: either there never was any cancer to find or my alternative and spiritual treatment regimen worked. Of course there is no way to distinguish between those options, because they are perceptions.

This is rather like the difference between reality as it actually is and our perceptions of the phenomena we experience. Since I am not an enlightened being, although I like all sentient beings possess Buddhanature, I really cannot yet see past the appearance. Of course many of our Tibetan Buddhist practices as well as teachings by so many Lamas refer to the union of appearance and emptiness. I have not reached that state of realization, but I can aspire to it.

Meanwhile, I can try to utilize my experience to benefit all sentient beings. Furthermore, this kind of experience over so many years seems to have resulted in my having a particular affinity for Medicine Buddha practice. That is something that I have been doing to benefit all sentient beings.

A Perspective on Compassion

I know that I have in the past had a tendency toward being a “lead foot” driver. Therefore, long ago I set for myself the firm rule that I would not drive more more than 5 miles over the posted speed limit. Since this means that I am slower than many cars on the road, I have to monitor my speedometer closely lest I inadvertently match speed with those driving faster than I intend to drive. That also means that I am often very aware of just how fast others are driving. Also being aware of my own inclination to drive faster, I'm slow to judge the speeding of other drivers. Nevertheless, as I see the growing number of drivers driving significantly faster than I drive, I have had to question their motivation.

This struck me particularly strongly tonight as I drove to Dharma teachings. A few drivers stood out not only because of their speed but also because of their particularly dangerous maneuvers as they drove. The first was a young man on a motorcycle, the kind that is sometimes called a “crotch rocket,” who passed me so fast that, based on my 74 mph reading on my speedometer, he had to be going faster than 100 mph, perhaps even as much as 110 or 120 mph. Not only was he traveling at such a high speed, but he was also weaving in and out of traffic. Another driver who was in an SUV was driving at an estimated 90 mph or more, but also used an exit ramp to pass other traffic just before the ramp completely split from the highway. Yet another SUV driver took the exit at significantly more than the 65 mph I was doing as I first left the highway, but also passed a couple of vehicles on the ramp before it split in two directions, the last time, so close to the other car that they braked abruptly. It would be hard to estimate that vehicle's speed before I lost sight of it, but I doubt it was close to the 35 mph posted at that point.

Each of these times I thought, “What could make someone drive like that?”

I spent some time speculating on what their reasons might be. Sadly, I could not come up with any rational, reasonable and healthy reason they might have. Every way I pursue the question of motivation I keep coming back to one or more of the following: an inflated sense of I-ness, or Ego ( Asmita ), Grasping or Attachment ( Raga ), Aversion or Dislike ( Dvesha ), and Fear ( abhinivesha), of course leading back to the Ignorance, or Absence of Correct Understanding ( Avidya) from which the se spring. Of course, this is no surprise, because most of what we do can be traced to these mental poisons. However, in cases like these drivers, it would seem that these are at an almost pathological extreme although I cannot seem to see much evidence of Fear ( abhinivesha) , considering the life-threatening character of such driving.

I found myself very uncomfortable with this line of thought which I first attributed to my own familiarity with these mental poisons in my own life. However, I also thought about His Holiness Chetsang Rinpoche's teaching on what compassion feels like. He said it is the feeling that one has when, upon seeing a leper, one finds it very hard to continue to look on the leper because it is painful to see someone in that state. In much the same manner, it is also painful to see in someone's behavior evidence of such a mentally, emotionally or spiritually diseased state. Quite naturally one does not become angry at sick people because of the symptoms of their disease. Rather one would want them to find their way to health or at least to less suffering.

That is another clear understanding that I reached. Such people are suffering at a profound level and to an extreme extent. Isn't their extreme behavior evidence of just how advanced their disease is and how great there suffering must be ?

Of course, I am not saying that such drivers are not responsible for their actions or for the harm that they may cause. However, my aspiration now becomes that they find the “cure for what ails them” before they do great harm to themselves or others. Toward that end, perhaps I can at least chant a few mantras for their enlightenment, because they are some of the “sentient beings” for whom I dedicate practice.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 85 – Waiting and Preparing

Once again a battery of tests are required to determine precisely where the cancer is and how advanced it is. The starting point, merely due to appointment availability, is a bone scan. A small amount of a radioactive tracer is injected and then the scanner is used to look for places where it is concentrated which would be in areas of greater cell activity. There is about a two hour waiting period from the injection to the scan. Of course, that is in keeping with the nature of this phase of this process, waiting.

Besides going through the various tests that are required such as the bone scan, a CT scan of the pelvic region, a cystoscopy to look at my bladder, and probably another biopsy of the prostate, I am using this time to make certain preparations. I am even implementing some alternative therapies not only to prepare my body for any course of treatment we later choose but also to start to combat the cancer itself or at least impede its development.

I have started to prepare my medicinal chai every morning which will mask the taste of the herbs like pau d'arco as well as some that will support bladder health. I have already begun eating my “medicinal noodles” with the reishi mushroom and miso broth, shitake mushrooms, and broccoli. I have also begun drinking protein shakes to boost my intake of protein to help my body do its work. I probably will resume the aromatherapy that was recommended to me before my first round of cancer treatment.

Another area of preparation and treatment is actually the spiritual approach. I already needed to become more consistent in my daily Medicine Buddha practice. Furthermore, I was taught an inner yoga, a healing yoga, called the “one cure for a hundred diseases.” I need to start it on a regular basis and try to refine and advance in that practice. I also need to get more faithful in my studying if I am to be of maximum benefit to all sentient beings. Some of these things are needed whether there is cancer or not. However, on account of the cancer, I think I may start spending more time in mantra recitation during my Medicine Buddha practice. I also think I should maintain a list of those for whom I am particularly dedicating the practice. That would help me to more effectively focus my intention.

I am also most fortunate that I was given some "black stone Karmapa relics" when I was at Winter Retreat. I placed one in a jug of drinking water to bless it. From now until I am cancer-free, I shall try to only drink the blessed water, even making my tea and coffee with it.

About these relics I found the following information: "The re is yet another type of relic: The small sacred black stone relics from the shores of Lake Namtso- - a lake extremely sacred to the Karmapas. It is the largest salt water lake in Tibet, about a day and a half drive by jeep from Tsurphu.

"According to history, the Third Karmapa, Rangjung Dorje, visited Lake Namtso. The historical legend tells that he flew there by using his miraculous powers. As he stood near the lake, he threw a handful of black pills into the lake and requested the protectors of the Lake, Dorje Gurdak (a wrathful emanation of Guru Rinpoche) and other various Naga gods and demi-gods, to ever increase these black pills in number as a source of faith and for the benefit of beings in the future.

"About four centuries later, the Fourteenth Karmapa, Thekchok Dorje, came to the lake and requested Dorje Gurdak and another protector, Nyen Chenpo Thang-La, to be guardians of these sacred stone relics after throwing a handful of black pills into the lake. Still to this day they continue to appear around the shores of this lake and they are regarded as very auspicious relics, especially for filling statues."

(from Karmapa: His Holiness the 17th Gyalwa Karmapa, Urgyen Trinley Dorje by Ken Holmes, 1995.)

Probably the chief difficulty for me now is coping with the long interval between tests and the consequent delay in getting a definitive diagnosis and formulating a treatment plan. While the last PSA value is outside the normal range and the two successive readings almost doubled from the previous value, there still might be a possibility that this might not mean a return of the cancer with metastases. However I think that optimistic view is not likely since these PSA results were accompanied by bladder symptoms.

Nevertheless, the doctor in the Urology-Oncology clinic has suggested that the high PSA might be the result of prostatitis, an infection of the prostate gland, rather than a return of cancer. To help make that determination he has ordered a culture as part of another urinalysis. He has also ordered a particular antibiotic which he will phone me, telling me whether or not to take it. He did inform me, incidentally, that the bone scan did not show anything except an area of advancing osteoarthritis. Therefore, I still have more waiting with few answers.

At this stage I am getting lots of advice, suggestions for a variety of alternative therapies. At first I was inclined to try every one, but I think it may be better to stick with the ones I have used, adding only the water blessed by the black stone relics as well as the "one cure for a hundred diseases" inner yoga practice. These are the things in which I have the greatest confidence. Furthermore, they also advance my Tibetan Buddhist practice. This is not just a matter of my physical health, but, more importantly, a matter of the working out of my Karma and the application of my Dharma lessons to it.

Like everyone else who has had cancer, I am faced with the prospect of its return. Furthermore, at any time it may not only return in the prostate where it originally developed, but also it may occur anywhere else in the body. On the other hand, another disease process may be mistaken for the return of cancer. Balancing on this edge, not knowing what is actually happening in my body is difficult, but I cannot deal with what may be, only with what is. If I foolishly maintain an unfounded positive expectation, I set myself up for disappointment. On the other hand, if I equally foolishly maintain an equally unfounded negative expectation, I just promote depression.

As a Buddhist, the only acceptable view is one with no expectations, but prepared to deal with whatever comes when it comes. Indeed, it is only in the present that I may act and only within the actual circumstances that exist in the present moment. However, it is in just that way that I have total control over my own Karma, not only by handling the fruit of my past Karma in a way that benefits myself and others, but also by acting in a way that gives rise to positive Karma rather than negative. This is precisely what Dharma teachings mean by "the accumulation of merit," one of the two accumulations required for Buddhahood.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 84 - Karma and Compost

This was originally written when I experienced such phenomenal positive and emotionally charged events for which I felt unworthy. Now, facing the potential of the return of the cancer that I had thought we had successfully treated, I see from another point of view the applicability of these ideas as well as new aspects regarding them. Therefore, I reiterate and expand on them. I have had occasion to reflect on how fortunate I have been in this lifetime. At some times I might not have thought so, but I have a different perspective now, a particularly Buddhist one.

Over my whole lifetime, even in infancy, I have been on the verge of dying although I often regarded myself as a hail and hardy fellow. To the Western mind so many close brushes with death and the consequent medical procedures and sometimes rigorous therapies and protracted recoveries are inexplicable. Or else they may be regarded as curses of fate or of some deity. However, for me as a Buddhist it is simply a matter of cause and effect, Karmic causality. In some previous lifetime, perhaps even several, I have done things for which these things are the natural result. These Karmic seeds may have followed across centuries, but they definitely took root in this rebirth.

Furthermore, the conventional thinking I was taught in our Western culture and even that in some Eastern cultures would regard all these “travails” as “ curses,” “bad luck,” or some such undesirable circumstance. For me, however, they are the most fortunate of circumstances, because they “burn up” all of that “negative karma” rather than having it continue to follow me through still more rebirths.

On the other hand, I can also see the positive Karmic seeds that have also come to fruition in this lifetime. I have a “precious human life” with all of the Eight Freedoms and Ten Endowments. I was not born in the Hell realms, as a hungry ghost, as an animal, in a place where teachings are unavailable, as a long-life god (always content and therefore with no motivation for progress), with wrong view (no understanding of karma, and no understanding of past and future lives), where no Buddha has appeared, or lacking the capacity to learn anything. I was born as a human being, where there are teachings, possessing five senses, not having committed heavy negative karmas, able to have confidence in and devotion to the Triple Gem, where a Buddha has appeared, where a Buddha has taught, where the Dharma teachings flourish, where there are followers who enter the pure path of Dharma, and where there is support from the kindness of others, including the spiritual master. Furthermore, I found those teachings and a Lama that I could trust.

When I was sitting in the room with the relic collection of the Maitreya Project Heart Shrine Relic Tour in Gainesville, Florida, I had to reflect that I was fortunate enough to have been with the relics twice already in my present lifetime and, on both of those occasions, I was there as a volunteer for the whole weekend. Furthermore, at that point I merely had the aspiration to attend once more as a volunteer over another weekend. That aspiration was actually fulfilled.

As if these were not enough good things to come together in my present lifetime, I was sitting there not only in the presence of such precious relics, a physical manifestation of the great compassion, loving kindness, and other spiritual qualities of Shakyamuni Buddha and these other Buddhist masters, but also as a beginning monk given the immense, incalculable, wondrous responsibility of giving blessings with the very relics of Shakyamuni Buddha. Sometimes my eyes filled with tears and other times it felt as though my heart might burst because of the powerful emotion I felt as well as the enormous energies perceptible in the room and from the relic stupa.

I commented to several people that weekend, and since then, that it is as though all those negative and positive karmic seeds came together in this particular lifetime and landed in compost. They have all born fruit abundantly!! So much negative karma has been burned away and continues to be burned away! Even at this late date in this lifetime, I have not only found the Dharma, but I have been able to devote myself to it and to its service as a monk! I have found a Lama who can guide my spiritual life with enough patience to put up with me and not give up on me! I have had the good fortune to meet not just one but two mahasiddhas in this one lifetime already!

Over the course of the cancer diagnosis, cancer treatment, and the recovery from the treatment, it has been amazing how far a tiny bit of the Dharma has carried me. In spite of the persistence of some of my bad habits, with the guidance and patience of my Lama, I actually am making a little progress, enough that I can perceive the change in me. On the other hand, I remain aware that I am still just a baby Buddhist and a baby monk and the least Drikungpa of all. Nevertheless, there are ways that I can be of service to others and to the Dharma. Nothing I have ever done is totally wasted. Either I have learned skills which find application now to such service or my misdeeds give me understanding and compassion for others. Everything that I do now needs to done with a view to benefiting all sentient beings. That is where its true worth lies. I am most thankful that some little bit of what I do stands up to that test.

I recently learned of the three fierce mantras of Tsangpa Gyaré:

1. “Whatever has to happen, let it happen!”

2. “Whatever the situation is, it’s fine!”

3. “I don’t need anything whatsoever (but the Dharma)!”

According to Rigpa Wiki:

“Tsangpa Gyaré is one of the founders of the Drukpa Kagyü school of Tibetan Buddhism. He established the monasteries of Longdol, Ralung (the principal seat of the Drukpa Kagyü) and Namdruk (after which the lineage was later named). He also opened the sacred place of Tsari.” As a Kagyu lineage it is related to our Drikung Kagyu lineage. However, it is more significant for me that it applies so well to the present circumstances as it does to almost any unexpected and unwanted situation. That definitely describes having a high PSA reading and having to go through more tests for a definitive diagnosis.

I was commenting to a friend that it seems that I shall not have the opportunity to carry much negative Karma forward into future rebirths. So much is getting purified with such intensity and force in the present lifetime. While the process may not be pleasant, the spiritual result seems desirable. Isn't this clearing away significant obstacles to my eventual enlightenment and my benefit for all sentient beings? In fact, isn't that benefit to myself and others a more immediate outcome, beginning even as I go through the process?

The disease, the diagnostic tests, the treatment and the recovery are all worthwhile if we all get a little closer to enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. Maybe a little more Dharma in my life than before will make the whole thing not only more tolerable, but even much easier to handle.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 83 - The Journey Continues

I had thought that this "Journey Th r ough Cancer" was finished. I was set to turn the blog into a book and had even set myself on a daily work schedule for the editing. However, it seems that the Karma bearing that fruit is not completely finished.

I saw the Radiation Oncologist today for what I thought was a routine follow-up visit, but routine it was not. I already knew that one PSA reading was 2.6 rather than less than 1, as we would hope. However this was not all of the bad news. Another PSA test less than a month after that one gave a reading of 4.3, heading farther in the wrong direction rather quickly.

Initially, the radiation oncologist has ordered a CT scan of the pelvic region and a bone scan. We also discussed the possible need for another biopsy. I told him that I expected and accepted that and, although I would not look forward to the biopsy itself, I would look forward to its results for us to know what is happening. At that point, if the cancer is back, we can work out the treatment plan and work on recovery.

Right now is the hardest time, the time of waiting. I have been in the same circumstance multiple times during the whole course of this journey. It may be time to burn off more negative Karma. Whatever it is, it is my Karma. Just as it always is for everyone, we can choose how we go through what faces us in each day. Whatever I face in this, I must remember, as I have before, to find ways that it may benefit other beings.

I have already started on my “alternative therapy” efforts that I used before my more conventional treatments began. I have bought watercress, because researchers have found that a metabolite from it retards the development of blood vessels in tumors. I have also started on my “medicinal noodles” with their reishi and miso broth, broccoli, and shitake mushrooms. Also lemongrass tea, so pleasant to drink, will be my basic and most frequent beverage.

As far as spiritual preparations are concerned, I must remember, as I have told others, “I exist to serve.”

Which means that I must continue to seek opportunities to be of service to all sentient beings. In the coming month we are going to have a visit from Khenpo Choepel giving teachings and empowerments in this area for about three weeks. I need to strive to be available to assist in any way that I can. While I need to learn from the particular teachings, I also need to continue learning from him, as from an older brother, how to be a good monk.

Whether this new phase of this journey is just a series of tests and procedures through which we find that there is no cancer to be treated or it is another course of treatment with its side effects and its recovery, there are challenges to be faced and lessons to be learned. It is through just such challenges and lessons that what I do may benefit others if only I continue to apply the tiny bit of Dharma that I have in my life. Perhaps I can even come to have a little more of it to apply and to share for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Starting a Job

Tomorrow, I shall be starting a job. It is not actually a new one but rather one that I already have but have not been working on as I should. Already I have written my blog, “Journey Through Cancer,” but I need to edit it into a book as my Lama and many friends have encouraged. However, I have not applied myself to that task.

Starting tomorrow, every weekday I shall devote three or four hours to the editing just as though I had been hired for a writing job. Most days I intend to devote the hours from the time that I finish breakfast until I need to stop for lunch. Of course, this will not be inflexible. For example, on days like tomorrow, when I have tasks that must be done in the morning, I shall compensate by using other hours of the day, still trying to complete the designated three or four hours of work.

I have read or heard from successful authors that they have to be as faithful to scheduled work hours as if they had to go out to work even if they work at home. Since the book, just like the blog, is intended to be for the benefit of all sentient beings, it is well worth my effort and diligence. Up to now my only actions directed toward the creation of the book have been to print out two copies of all the blogs and putting them in a ring binder and sending one of those copies to my very best friend from childhood for his comments and suggestions. The other copy awaits me.

I have no idea how long this will take for me to produce a manuscript to send to a publisher. Neither do I know how to find a publisher who would publish my book, but that doesn't matter until I have something to present. That process starts tomorrow and will last until the job is done.