Alcoholism, 'wasm, and Buddhist Speculations

After more than twenty-four years without a drink, alcohol has no place in my life today despite years of destructive and clearly alcoholic drinking. Furthermore, the basic precepts to which I committed myself when I "took refuge" as a Buddhist specifically prohibit partaking of any intoxicant. Nevertheless, I came to believe that, although I do not recognize an inherently "alcoholic nature," I am certain that my reaction to ethanol differs in some fundamental way from the majority of the population. Since there seems to be some degree of hereditary tendency toward alcoholism in families, that is a reasonable assumption. Therefore I do not argue with the AA assertion that there doesn't seem to be any way to make normal drinkers out of alcoholics of our type.

On the other hand, in this connection I have to think of two diseases with which I have been dealing, diabetes and prostate cancer. The genetic and developmental factors that have caused my diabetes do not seem to be reversible! Nevertheless, I do not "define" myself as a diabetic although I must take it into account every day in so many ways. On the other hand, I find great value in thinking of myself as a "cancer survivor," because I no longer have any evidence of the cancer in my body. With regard to alcoholism, like the diabetes, it does not seem to be reversible, but, like the cancer, there does not seem to be any evidence of it in me any longer. However, also like the cancer, I have to monitor for any sign of its activity. Therefore, when I experienced a "drinking dream" recently, I thought it advisable to get back to AA meetings.

This presents a little problem for me now as a Tibetan Buddhist, because, despite its disclaimers, it is a monotheistic organization rooted in the Western Abrahamic faiths. While this presented only minor difficulties when I was a different brand of Christian than the majority, now opening a meeting with the "Serenity Prayer" and closing with the "Lord's Prayer," not to mention all the "God" references in the readings, do not sit well. That has been a significant obstacle to my frequent attendance at AA meetings.

I recently came upon an adaptation of the 12 Steps in keeping with Buddhist principles written by a Tibetan Buddhist monk. Although I am not sure I agree with him on all points, the work is a worthy effort to meet a need. Perhaps this or another such effort will find applicability to those needs, but I have to look at the resources currently available to me.

I find one particular meeting here in Plant City more comfortable than others. The focus of this one is meditation which is something central to Buddhist practice. This seems a suitable venue for my attending AA meetings both for myself and for the benefit of others. After staying sober this long, I do have experiences which can help others if I share them. This is very much in keeping both with AA's traditions about service and with Tibetan Buddhism's stress on compassion.

Jerome Bixby's Man from Earth

One of my favorite movies is "The Man from Earth." I can watch it over and over. I have even watched it a couple of times in a row. It is no action movie! Almost everything takes place in the main character's living room. It is such a "thinking movie" that it was not a financial success. The premise of the movie is that a professor has resigned and his colleagues throw him a "going away" party at which he reveals to them that he is 14,000 years old. The rest of the movie consists of his telling of that long life as all these "experts" try to prove that it is false. They really reveal their prejudices and their fixed notions of truth. They get emotionally upset at the challenge to the certainties they have from the limited perspective of one short lifetime. I can see it from both the perspective of a short lifetime and the perspective of centuries. I am living this particular lifetime, but I also have memories extending back for centuries. Such memories give me a fundamentally different viewpoint from most people that I know. It is even different from what I held before I began remembering them. In the movie the main character is forced to recant his claim of his age, not because it was false but rather because his friends could not handle its truth. How often is truth softened because people's minds refuse to accept it? In our samsaric existence we so rigidly maintain our illusions! Nevertheless the Buddha showed us a different way!

Another photo of "Turtle"

"Turtle" resting

Cars, Vans, and Trucks - ARRRGGGHHH

Since June of last year my truck has not been running. It had sputtered a little when I drove it the day before flying to Boston. However, when I returned from that trip, it would crank but not stay running. I decided that the problem was a clogged fuel filter, because I had let the gas get very low just before the "sputtering."
Although I was able to get the necessary parts that July, I began having the symptoms of radiation colitis before I got the work done. Between the Summer heat and my lack of stamina the work had been slow. As the bleeding and other symptoms of the colitis grew worse that work came to a screeching halt.
During this time and up to the present, my sister and I have been sharing one van. Now the radiator on the van has developed a leak. I had just gotten healthy enough to resume work on my truck, but was waiting for my broken foot to mend sufficiently to not interfere with the work. However, I was not to resume the repair until tomorrow.
Yesterday the van overheated after water had clearly leaked from somewhere that I could not identify. Fortunately a friend came to our aid and refilled the radiator to get the van safely off the road and took us safely home. During the day he found the leak in the radiator. Unable to replace the radiator until after the first of the month, we have to put "stop-leak" in it, make sure the radiator is full before we start the van, and not drive it outside of town. During the same interval, I have to resume work on my pickup truck. I also have to hope that I diagnosed its problem correctly. I also have to hope that even if my diagnosis is correct, no new problem has developed from it sitting so long.
Although I have several bikes as well as bike parts in my yard, none of them are rideable yet. For exercise so far I have only had a "stationary" bike. Our machines can be so aggravating!!!
Of course, this is a perfect example of impermanence!! All we can do is practice our patience and do our best to.mend the machines. Nevertheless, impermanence also gives us hope because our difficulties will also change. With that hopeful frame of mind I only rescheduled one medical appointment in expectation of having a working vehicle before the next. After surviving all that I have during this lifetime, I cannot let a little car trouble overwhelm me!! I have made it through more. We will make it through this with the help of true friends.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 78 – Medical Indignities

We have come a long way in medical science from the days of bloodletting and leeches or sacrificing a chicken to appease the gods, but some aspects of modern medicine are still barbaric. The classic “ hospital gown” leaves little room for “modesty,” but I read recently that designers in Great Britain have come up with one that does allow for some measure of decency. However, when one has to have some procedure involving the colon such as surgery or a colonoscopy, the colon must be prepared with a thorough cleansing. This is achieved by inducing diarrhea with a clear liquid diet combined with strong laxatives.

The first of the laxatives are a couple of pills that my grandmother would have classified as “ purgatives,” because it “purges” you. Since there isn't any way to gauge when they will act, you have to be alert for the first feeling of needing to go. Otherwise you will “mess yourself” like before you were potty trained. With the clear liquid diet the action of this laxative continues for quite some time. If the procedure being performed doesn't require a more extensive prep, this might be followed up by enemas in the morning.

However, for a colonoscopy and some similarly extensive procedures, the next day will continue the clear liquid diet and include drinking 4 liters of a polyethylene glycol and electrolytes solution. Its use as surfactants in industry and as dispersing agents and solvents makes me wonder whether I really want to take this stuff inside my body. Nevertheless it does the job for which it is intended in this case. It draws water into the bowel and cleans it all out. I had not completed drinking the first two liters before it started to work. In fact one of my “scheduled” cups of it was delayed by not being to get off the toilet in time for it. At this point you cannot be far from a bathroom, to the extent that I moved my laptop into the bathroom to write this.

I am so very grateful that a friend recommended putting each cup of this “drink” into the freezer for the few minutes between drinks. It is not long enough to freeze it, but being so cold, it is easier to tolerate. Also the nurse advised that Crystal Light could be used to flavor it safely, making it that much more palatable. After the next session of drinking the PEG and electrolytes I wonder whether I will be able to get any sleep tonight. Judging by previous experiences with this same prep, I will be awake much later than I would really care to be.

There is the consolation in all of this that I don't expect there to be much “arc welding” needed. Instead this is more of a follow up exploration. I have not been having any bleeding since the last session of “arc welding,” suggesting that we got the last of the lesions at that time. Nevertheless, that doesn't make the colon prep any less rigorous.

The second and final session of drinking the PEG and electrolytes is particularly difficult with each cup harder to get down than the one before, ending up with nausea that won't go away. I am already drinking sodas, juice, tea, and broth from bouillon which raises the question of what to do about the nausea. I decide that if I were feeling this bad as a child I could have looked forward to some chicken noodle soup, giving me the idea to go to the store for some real chicken broth. That does in fact help to get rid of the sick feeling.

. . . . . .

After hours of sitting on the toilet unable to get away from it for more than a few minutes at a time, although I have not produced any “stool” for a long time with only liquid coming out of me, around 2:00 AM I begin to feel that I can finally go to bed. Sleep is often interrupted by more trips to the bathroom. Nevertheless, I do get up in enough time to head for the VA hospital early enough considering that I don't have to take time for breakfast, not being able to even have a cup of coffee.

. . . . . .

Before the procedure begins, the doctor informs me that my hemoglobin is up which is a good indicator that the bleeding has stopped and been stopped for a little while, just as I had experienced. Having opted for the use of sedation, my memory of the procedure itself is rather hazy, but it seems clear that there is little cauterizing. Furthermore, one of the nurses afterward tells me that there were only “a couple of places.” All in all I feel pretty good about this phase of the recovery coming to an end and I definitely have a good appetite for my Burger King veggie burger and fries.

. . . . . .

“If I am supposed to get sick, let me get sick, and I’ll be happy. May this sickness purify my negative karma and the sickness of all sentient beings.

“If I am supposed to be healed, let all my sickness and confusion be healed, and I’ll be happy. May all sentient beings be healed and filled with happiness....”

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 77 – Phowa, the Bardo, Monasticism and Me

From my childhood I have repeatedly faced the close approach of death. Nevertheless, each time I have come close to dying, I have survived. First I survived a congenital defect in my aorta and grew up to be an adult. Then during my first enlistment as a sailor I survived some sort of fall while drunk which fractured one single vertebra. Later in a subsequent enlistment I survived a motor vehicle accident with major injuries including a traumatic tear of the aorta. Most recently I have survived a moderately aggressive cancer of the prostate. However, as I pointed out to someone recently, one day I won't survive. It is for that reason that I sought training in the Drikung Kagyu Phowa practice.
I have had the opportunity to become aware of just how suddenly and unexpectedly death may overtake us. Furthermore, I understand that it stalks us from the moment we are born. Not one among us can avoid it. I intend to be prepared for it when it actually happens to me. This Phowa Retreat that I was fortunate enough to attend is precisely about starting those spiritual preparations. In Tibetan Buddhism we believe in the Buddhafields where the suffering of samsara does not exist and all are Buddhas or Bodhisattvas. In Phowa practice we seek to master the ability to gather our consciousness and project it through our “aperture of Brahman” at the time of our death in order to enter the Pure Land of Dewachen, there to begin our progression as Bodhisattvas.
Moreover, we also have the Bardo teachings which reveal to us the nature and stages of death in order that we not be overwhelmed with fear and confusion when we go through them. Furthermore, if we are equipped with sufficient meditative concentration by our training in meditation, we may be able to take advantage of certain stages of the process to attain enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. During the retreat, Venerable Traga Rinpoche made clear that we have so many opportunities for such enlightenment throughout our lifetimes and even in our deaths, but we must work diligently to prepare ourselves for them.
From all these life experiences I have become aware that we can never count on being around for the things that we plan. Furthermore, there is nothing of our lives which we take with us into death except the results of our spiritual practice. All the “stuff” that we diligently strive to accumulate during our lives will be left behind and benefit us not at all when death comes. In fact, our very attachment to the “stuff” and its acquisition may be a great hindrance at that time. Indeed, it is not only the source of so much suffering during our lives but also a cause of our samsaric rebirth. Furthermore, even if I should live to be 80 before I die, three-quarters of my life would be behind me right now and only one-quarter ahead on which I cannot depend. With such considerations in mind one may well ask, “How may I best use the time that remains to me?” For me the answer is to spend it as a monk in service of the Dharma and in service to all sentient beings.
Over the course of my recovery from the radiation therapy which treated the cancer I have had to deal with certain aftereffects of that therapy, most significant of which were fatigue and radiation colitis. That overwhelming fatigue is gone and has been for some time now. I am still building up my stamina to undertake normal activities that I had pursued before treatment. However, the radiation colitis has been the most persistent aftereffect and the most annoying and limiting with its accompanying bleeding. The doctors scheduled several “arc welding” sessions to cauterize the lesions. Even these had their own aftereffects because the cauterized tissue is irritated and results in increased bowel urgency. However, that passes after a few days.
As I write this I am in the middle of the colon prep for another “arc welding” session. However, this time I have reason to hope that it will only be a follow-up look around and won't actually involve any cauterizing. Since I do not have any bleeding or other symptom, it is quite reasonable to hope that even this problem is past. That would mean that I could follow some simple exercise regime like bicycling and get my weight loss program back on track. Furthermore, I can get back to the process of putting this house in order and getting rid of more “stuff.” I want the house to resemble a monastery more than a junk heap. Although it may be impractical to get down to just the few possessions prescribed for a Buddhist monk when a home must be maintained, I know that I can live quite satisfactorily with a lot less “stuff.” In fact, it seems that the less “stuff” I have the better my quality of life. Of course, what we consider to be very little would be considered great wealth in most of the rest of the world.
I aspire to be ordained as soon as that may be, hoping that it may at least be this year. Indeed, I hope that it may be at Spring Retreat in a couple of months, but I have as yet heard nothing about any ordinations planned for then, much less about my own. In the meantime, I shall follow the advice of Lama Thubten Yeshe and Lama Thubten Zopa Rinpoche and even a laywoman and strive to live as though I were a monk already except not wearing a monk's robes. However, in accordance with what my Lama has said, I will wear my Ngakpa robes whenever that may be appropriate. While I doubt that I can live fully in accordance with the letter of the Vinaya, I can seek to live in accordance with its spirit.
Also I now should follow up contacts that I made with the chaplains at two local hospitals and a hospice and make contact with those at another hospital and another hospice. The role that I can see for myself in this regard is to be the first point of contact when Buddhist clergy are needed to meet the spiritual needs of their patients. Since I know most of the Buddhist groups in the area, I can probably find suitable clergy to serve them. I could possibly even provide transportation to monks who don't drive.
As far as my ordination is concerned, I shall continue to make my preparations, ready to go wherever I may need to go to with very little notice. Nevertheless, I shall continue to plan for the Spring Retreat at TMC Maryland. It should be good for me whether I were ordained then or not. While the Phowa Retreat was oriented toward a specific training, I can see that it has had more general good effects on my spiritual practice.
In all this as in everything else on this Buddhist path, I am in it for the “long haul,” and not for myself alone. My focus needs to continue to be, “How can I be of greatest service to all sentient beings?” When someone recently commented on the work I was doing for the Dharma, I responded, “I am not a cause, but an effect,” recalling that all that I am and all that I am capable of doing is the result of all that I have been taught by others. If there is any good that I may do or anything worthwhile that I may accomplish, it is to the credit of all those who have been the causes of the effect that I am.

Preparing for Ordination – Attachment, Aversion, and Equanimity

I wrote this back in November but never posted it to my blog.

This evening I went to the grocery store. Although I had only run out of one essential item, I decided that I should make it a regular shopping trip, getting the usual things that I keep on hand. In so doing, I made an interesting discovery: my attitude toward food has changed. It was not so firmly rooted in the attachment/aversion type of feelings that it had been, but rather it was closer to equanimity in approaching the choices on a more utilitarian basis. Nevertheless, I cannot claim to have attained perfect equanimity.

The chocolate cake that I bought, in spite of being sugar-free, is not truly utilitarian but rather pleasurable. However, even though a food may be pleasurable, it does not automatically represent attachment unless that is the primary or only reason for getting it or eating it. Nevertheless, despite this particular lapse, the rest of my choices seemed more practical than usual. However, this is more a matter of progress rather than perfection. I have a long way to go to truly attain equanimity.

Perhaps the strangest thing about this experience is that it seems that it may be a result of the weeks of poverty that I recently experienced. During that time I went to the food banks and gratefully accepted whatever I received, having no choice in what it was. Indeed the only choice that I exercised was to trade any meat items to my sister for a vegetarian alternative. I am most grateful that I retained at least this spiritual outcome from the whole experience. However, I am sure that I shall see other benefits that I derived from it as well.

Now more than four months later I am adding to it and finishing it.

Most of my Vajra brothers and sisters around home are vegetarian as I have been now for several years. When I took refuge and started trying to keep the five refuge precepts or samayas, I tried to observe the first one, “I will (try) to refrain from harming living creatures (killing),” by stopping eating meat of any kind. This wasn't such a big step because I have probably spent half my life as a vegetarian as well as the years that I was a “fishetarian”as a n Eastern Orthodox monk Nevertheless, not all Tibetan Buddhists are, because the Tibetan Plateau is a poor place to grow the kind of vegetables required to maintain that kind of diet. The only previous breaks in my vegetarianism since I took refuge have been occasions that one lady at the Chinese take-out restaurant has given me extra things when I was ordering close to closing.

At the Phowa Retreat it turns out that many of the members of this Sangha are not vegetarians. I have little choice but to eat meat when it is offered to me. I feel it would be a greater wrong for me to offend the hospitality of my brothers and sisters. Furthermore, the samayas that guide me as a Ngakpa bear on this in that I am to maintain a view “ which transcends the pure-impure dichotomy.” I can always chant the Amitabha mantra for a good rebirth for the animals who gave their lives for our food. This is the time to practice not having aversion, but rather equanimity!

This situation was relieved by another retreatant requesting vegetarian alternatives. At this point it is now an option allowing me to choose to continue being a vegetarian. For me the point is that no sentient being should die to provide my meal. Of course, this can never be perfectly practiced, because insects may be inadvertently or intentionally killed by the farmers. Nevertheless, I can maintain that intention as I seek to benefit all sentient beings.

I must remember that if I were to become a Theravadan monk in a traditionally Buddhist country like Thailand, I would be totally dependent on “alms rounds” for my food. I would exercise no choice over what I ate or even how much I had. While my circumstances may be different in America as a Tibetan Buddhist monk, I should still apply the spirituals principle that it represents: avoiding attachment and aversion and practicing equanimity!