Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 77 – Phowa, the Bardo, Monasticism and Me

From my childhood I have repeatedly faced the close approach of death. Nevertheless, each time I have come close to dying, I have survived. First I survived a congenital defect in my aorta and grew up to be an adult. Then during my first enlistment as a sailor I survived some sort of fall while drunk which fractured one single vertebra. Later in a subsequent enlistment I survived a motor vehicle accident with major injuries including a traumatic tear of the aorta. Most recently I have survived a moderately aggressive cancer of the prostate. However, as I pointed out to someone recently, one day I won't survive. It is for that reason that I sought training in the Drikung Kagyu Phowa practice.
I have had the opportunity to become aware of just how suddenly and unexpectedly death may overtake us. Furthermore, I understand that it stalks us from the moment we are born. Not one among us can avoid it. I intend to be prepared for it when it actually happens to me. This Phowa Retreat that I was fortunate enough to attend is precisely about starting those spiritual preparations. In Tibetan Buddhism we believe in the Buddhafields where the suffering of samsara does not exist and all are Buddhas or Bodhisattvas. In Phowa practice we seek to master the ability to gather our consciousness and project it through our “aperture of Brahman” at the time of our death in order to enter the Pure Land of Dewachen, there to begin our progression as Bodhisattvas.
Moreover, we also have the Bardo teachings which reveal to us the nature and stages of death in order that we not be overwhelmed with fear and confusion when we go through them. Furthermore, if we are equipped with sufficient meditative concentration by our training in meditation, we may be able to take advantage of certain stages of the process to attain enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. During the retreat, Venerable Traga Rinpoche made clear that we have so many opportunities for such enlightenment throughout our lifetimes and even in our deaths, but we must work diligently to prepare ourselves for them.
From all these life experiences I have become aware that we can never count on being around for the things that we plan. Furthermore, there is nothing of our lives which we take with us into death except the results of our spiritual practice. All the “stuff” that we diligently strive to accumulate during our lives will be left behind and benefit us not at all when death comes. In fact, our very attachment to the “stuff” and its acquisition may be a great hindrance at that time. Indeed, it is not only the source of so much suffering during our lives but also a cause of our samsaric rebirth. Furthermore, even if I should live to be 80 before I die, three-quarters of my life would be behind me right now and only one-quarter ahead on which I cannot depend. With such considerations in mind one may well ask, “How may I best use the time that remains to me?” For me the answer is to spend it as a monk in service of the Dharma and in service to all sentient beings.
Over the course of my recovery from the radiation therapy which treated the cancer I have had to deal with certain aftereffects of that therapy, most significant of which were fatigue and radiation colitis. That overwhelming fatigue is gone and has been for some time now. I am still building up my stamina to undertake normal activities that I had pursued before treatment. However, the radiation colitis has been the most persistent aftereffect and the most annoying and limiting with its accompanying bleeding. The doctors scheduled several “arc welding” sessions to cauterize the lesions. Even these had their own aftereffects because the cauterized tissue is irritated and results in increased bowel urgency. However, that passes after a few days.
As I write this I am in the middle of the colon prep for another “arc welding” session. However, this time I have reason to hope that it will only be a follow-up look around and won't actually involve any cauterizing. Since I do not have any bleeding or other symptom, it is quite reasonable to hope that even this problem is past. That would mean that I could follow some simple exercise regime like bicycling and get my weight loss program back on track. Furthermore, I can get back to the process of putting this house in order and getting rid of more “stuff.” I want the house to resemble a monastery more than a junk heap. Although it may be impractical to get down to just the few possessions prescribed for a Buddhist monk when a home must be maintained, I know that I can live quite satisfactorily with a lot less “stuff.” In fact, it seems that the less “stuff” I have the better my quality of life. Of course, what we consider to be very little would be considered great wealth in most of the rest of the world.
I aspire to be ordained as soon as that may be, hoping that it may at least be this year. Indeed, I hope that it may be at Spring Retreat in a couple of months, but I have as yet heard nothing about any ordinations planned for then, much less about my own. In the meantime, I shall follow the advice of Lama Thubten Yeshe and Lama Thubten Zopa Rinpoche and even a laywoman and strive to live as though I were a monk already except not wearing a monk's robes. However, in accordance with what my Lama has said, I will wear my Ngakpa robes whenever that may be appropriate. While I doubt that I can live fully in accordance with the letter of the Vinaya, I can seek to live in accordance with its spirit.
Also I now should follow up contacts that I made with the chaplains at two local hospitals and a hospice and make contact with those at another hospital and another hospice. The role that I can see for myself in this regard is to be the first point of contact when Buddhist clergy are needed to meet the spiritual needs of their patients. Since I know most of the Buddhist groups in the area, I can probably find suitable clergy to serve them. I could possibly even provide transportation to monks who don't drive.
As far as my ordination is concerned, I shall continue to make my preparations, ready to go wherever I may need to go to with very little notice. Nevertheless, I shall continue to plan for the Spring Retreat at TMC Maryland. It should be good for me whether I were ordained then or not. While the Phowa Retreat was oriented toward a specific training, I can see that it has had more general good effects on my spiritual practice.
In all this as in everything else on this Buddhist path, I am in it for the “long haul,” and not for myself alone. My focus needs to continue to be, “How can I be of greatest service to all sentient beings?” When someone recently commented on the work I was doing for the Dharma, I responded, “I am not a cause, but an effect,” recalling that all that I am and all that I am capable of doing is the result of all that I have been taught by others. If there is any good that I may do or anything worthwhile that I may accomplish, it is to the credit of all those who have been the causes of the effect that I am.