I wrote this back in November but never posted it to my blog.
This evening I went to the grocery store. Although I had only run out of one essential item, I decided that I should make it a regular shopping trip, getting the usual things that I keep on hand. In so doing, I made an interesting discovery: my attitude toward food has changed. It was not so firmly rooted in the attachment/aversion type of feelings that it had been, but rather it was closer to equanimity in approaching the choices on a more utilitarian basis. Nevertheless, I cannot claim to have attained perfect equanimity.
The chocolate cake that I bought, in spite of being sugar-free, is not truly utilitarian but rather pleasurable. However, even though a food may be pleasurable, it does not automatically represent attachment unless that is the primary or only reason for getting it or eating it. Nevertheless, despite this particular lapse, the rest of my choices seemed more practical than usual. However, this is more a matter of progress rather than perfection. I have a long way to go to truly attain equanimity.
Perhaps the strangest thing about this experience is that it seems that it may be a result of the weeks of poverty that I recently experienced. During that time I went to the food banks and gratefully accepted whatever I received, having no choice in what it was. Indeed the only choice that I exercised was to trade any meat items to my sister for a vegetarian alternative. I am most grateful that I retained at least this spiritual outcome from the whole experience. However, I am sure that I shall see other benefits that I derived from it as well.
Now more than four months later I am adding to it and finishing it.
Most of my Vajra brothers and sisters around home are vegetarian as I have been now for several years. When I took refuge and started trying to keep the five refuge precepts or samayas, I tried to observe the first one, “I will (try) to refrain from harming living creatures (killing),” by stopping eating meat of any kind. This wasn't such a big step because I have probably spent half my life as a vegetarian as well as the years that I was a “fishetarian”as a n Eastern Orthodox monk Nevertheless, not all Tibetan Buddhists are, because the Tibetan Plateau is a poor place to grow the kind of vegetables required to maintain that kind of diet. The only previous breaks in my vegetarianism since I took refuge have been occasions that one lady at the Chinese take-out restaurant has given me extra things when I was ordering close to closing.
At the Phowa Retreat it turns out that many of the members of this Sangha are not vegetarians. I have little choice but to eat meat when it is offered to me. I feel it would be a greater wrong for me to offend the hospitality of my brothers and sisters. Furthermore, the samayas that guide me as a Ngakpa bear on this in that I am to maintain a view “ which transcends the pure-impure dichotomy.” I can always chant the Amitabha mantra for a good rebirth for the animals who gave their lives for our food. This is the time to practice not having aversion, but rather equanimity!
This situation was relieved by another retreatant requesting vegetarian alternatives. At this point it is now an option allowing me to choose to continue being a vegetarian. For me the point is that no sentient being should die to provide my meal. Of course, this can never be perfectly practiced, because insects may be inadvertently or intentionally killed by the farmers. Nevertheless, I can maintain that intention as I seek to benefit all sentient beings.
I must remember that if I were to become a Theravadan monk in a traditionally Buddhist country like Thailand, I would be totally dependent on “alms rounds” for my food. I would exercise no choice over what I ate or even how much I had. While my circumstances may be different in America as a Tibetan Buddhist monk, I should still apply the spirituals principle that it represents: avoiding attachment and aversion and practicing equanimity!
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