When I attend public rituals, I have high expectations. They should be participatory and powerful. Things should happen. Energy should be raised. Being experienced in creating ritual, I also appreciate creativity in rituals. I was not disappointed when I attended the latest Full Moon Celebration sponsored by Circles in the Woods CUUPs and presented by Circle Shalee. They crafted their ritual from familiar popular songs, from I'd Like To Teach the World to Sing by the New Seekers to Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash to Singing in the Rain by Gene Kelly. They passed out copies of the lyrics and we all sang along. For the working we had a spiral dance to Abracadabra by Steve Miller.
Between the words of the songs, the emotional context of my own history with these songs, the general theme of Beltane, and the repeated reference to fire, this was a powerful experience for me. Especially during the spiral dance in which I could not participate physically, fire energy rose in me, not surprising with the lyrics, "Every time you call my name I heat up like a burning flame, Burning flame full of desire. Kiss me baby, let the fire get higher." As we dismissed the West with Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head by B. J. Thomas, the words, "Because I'm free - Nothing's worrying me!" strike me at a deep psychic and spiritual level. This seems like the preparation for words in our Circle opening from With Arms Wide Open by Creed, "Well I just heard the news today, It seems my life is gonna change."
All this brought me to a profound and sweeping realization. Over the last few years I have been undergoing such drastic changes. Most people fear change, but I welcome it and seek it. Much change has already happened but more is coming and I grow impatient for it. Furthermore, the coming changes are not only within me but in my life, from my immediate sphere of influence and working outward. Much of the psychic and emotional pain that I have been experiencing comes from standing on the brink of such changes with every oracle I've consulted and every fiber of my being saying, "The longed-for changes are imminent." Nevertheless, the change has not come. It feels like balancing on the edge of a knife, not a comfortable place to stay. Still other of my emotional pain comes from the inability of others to accept the changes that have been happening in me. I would prefer to maintain and develop both my existing and new friendships, but I can't stand still just because some of them can't accept me as I grow and change.
After the ritual, while I was standing in line for the "covered dish" supper, an attractive lady came up to the elderly gentleman in line in front of me to speak to him and say goodbye before she left. I was just standing there, perhaps staring a little, thinking about having seen her at other Full Moon Celebrations and noting that, although we had never talked, nonverbal cues had given me a favorable impression of her. Furthermore, I thought that the next time I saw her at another event I should try to make her acquaintance. Then, without any warning she introduced herself to me which definitely threw me off balance. Although I responded by telling her my regular name and my Cherokee name and I tried to repeat her name to myself to remember it, I was so befuddled that I forgot it anyway.
For the rest of the time that my sister and I were there, I noticed that several females seemed inexplicably drawn toward my presence. I don't think this was an illusion, but it is something for which my life has not prepared me. Other men may find such things common occurrences, but I never have. I am still trying to process these experiences.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
FPG Beltaine 2008
I had a most wonderful overall experience at FPG Beltaine 2008. I met a lot of fascinating people for the first time and spent time with others I have known. On top of this I got to spend time with still others that I seldom get to see.
There were also some very powerful spiritual and learning experiences, some of which extend beyond the festival itself. Thursday morning, I went with Grey Ghosthawk to gather willow to build the sweat lodge. While we were at one location, I noticed that a solitary vulture was perched on one of the high voltage power poles watching us. After a while I started feeling a little funky, because in my hurry I hadn't eaten any breakfast or taken my morning medications. Ghosthawk told me to sit in the truck for a little while and I started drinking some grapefruit juice that I had bought. While I was sitting in the truck, I noticed that the vulture had flown away. We joked that he had been thinking, "If this fool keeps doing what he is doing, we are feasting," but when I sat down and drank the juice, he thought, "Oh s__t, I have to go hunting."
Thursday afternoon while the sweat lodge was being built I began preparing for building our fire, selecting the stones and the first pieces of wood as well as gathering tinder and kindling. After I built the fire and lit it, it started quickly and intensely. In fact, although I usually light the fire from each direction, this one started so strongly that I couldn't get near the west side. Later, while I was tending the fire, going around it to find what was needed, I noticed that after I had gone around more than 360 degrees, the flames and smoke had been following me. I was blessed with an intense vision when I went in to the lodge for the fourth round. After the lodge and a shower I went to the fire circle wearing only a sarong. I was so full of fire energy that I did not feel the cool night air or hunger for hours.
Friday morning, as I was having my first cup of coffee in front of my tent I saw two ravens having a territorial dispute with another smaller bird. When the smaller bird seemed to win, the ravens began "arguing" like a human couple: "Why did you pick that homesite?" Also, while I was getting my things together for my workshop, I was able to listen to Gina Estevez's workshop. Although there was a small turnout for my workshops, they were intensely interested. Furthermore, I see ways to improve my presentation, especially with the Hindu ritual.
Friday afternoon I had some health issues come up for which I am most grateful to the Guardians for their care. Unfortunately, that kept me from attending workshops that I had hoped to attend as well as keeping me from building and lighting the sweat lodge fire. However, I did recover in time to tend the fire which Ghosthawk had started. After I had given them the stones and the water and closed the door for the first round, I sat down outside the door. As I sat there, I heard a sound and noticed movement to my right. When I looked, I saw a shadow moving just outside the taped off area. I soon recognized that the shape and its movement belonged to a bear. I thought, "It's 'THE BEAR' (the one we hear about at the camp)." However, as I was watching it, it faded away like mist, obviously a spirit bear. When I was sitting outside the door for the next round, I saw a pair of eyes catching the light. At first I thought this might be an alligator, but I soon realized that at the angle I was seeing them, the eyes could not be out on the lake. After a little more observation, I recognized that, from its size and the way it moved, it was some form of dog, either a domestic dog or a coyote. Since this was the "coyote round," I tend to think that this was a spirit coyote, although I did not notice when it went away. Again I was blessed with a powerful vision which, in many ways, was a continuation of the vision from the previous night.
Like the previous night, after a shower, I went to the fire circle. There I got body painting by Cadea on my back, a raven and flames.
Saturday morning my Buddhism workshop was scheduled at 9 AM, but I was blessed with a few very intensely interested attendees. Unfortunately, like the previous morning the Recovery meeting was scheduled at the same time in the other room at Bag End. At least I was able each day to greet some of those in the other group which can be very supportive for someone in Recovery like myself with 22 years sobriety..
Later, although I had been unable to attend the other Druid workshops, I did manage to get to the Druid ritual which proved to be a powerful spiritual experience. Ellen Evert Hopman has a powerful spiritual presence about her. I helped Kaos get the fire bowl and set up the fire. During the ritual, as I was giving my offerings to the tree, I felt its spiritual presence most powerfully. Later as I was giving my offering of oil to the fire, in spite of the intense wind that forced the flames and smoke in one direction, when I was upwind of the fire, I saw some of the flames curling toward me as if trying to oppose the wind. I saw the same phenomenon when Kaos, another lover of fire, made his offering. At the conclusion of the ritual, a divination is done to find out whether our offerings are accepted. The answer was that we had been heard, but that the Goddess of Life and Light and the Goddess of Death wanted more offerings in the form of food and drink offerings. While I am accustomed to preparing a "spirit plate," I wondered how I might be able offer libations since I am 22 years sober. The solution soon came to me: When I am next offered a drink, as I inevitably would be, after a brief explanation I should thank the person and pour out the libation. That night, such an opportunity did present itself and I poured out a little of the drink I was offered without making the person the least bit angry about it.
That night the main ritual was so wonderful. It was a beautiful example that size does not prevent a ritual from being participatory nor from raising energy. I joked with friends that we were trying for the record for the number of people in a Spiral Dance. I felt very energized again with fire energy since the Goddess invoked was Pele. However, I was not brave enough to jump the fire. I joked at the time that, at my age, I really didn't want the fertility it might confer.
Then we went down to the fire circle where I again got body painting on my back. This time, while Cadea had provided the paints, we were to paint each other. One young lady, although she had someone else paint her, painted a bear's paw on my back. In turn, I painted a lady I had met through mutual friends. I stated at the time that I knew that I would be painting her breasts and nothing more. However, I was not particularly happy with the fairy I painted on her shoulder, lacking fine enough brushes or thick enough paints. Inspired by the experience of painting as well as enjoying being painted, I think I shall bring my own brushes and paints to Samhain. Although I had joked about using edible paints and such do exist, even chocolate, I'm not sure that offering to paint a lady with them would be well received.
I then divided my time between visiting with friends and drumming. I even danced a little, but mainly I was focused on drumming the sun up. Knowing that I had found pleasure and a sense of acceptance in it before, it seemed a suitable way to combat the negative feelings from all the talk about sex and my exclusion from the actuality of it.
There were also some very powerful spiritual and learning experiences, some of which extend beyond the festival itself. Thursday morning, I went with Grey Ghosthawk to gather willow to build the sweat lodge. While we were at one location, I noticed that a solitary vulture was perched on one of the high voltage power poles watching us. After a while I started feeling a little funky, because in my hurry I hadn't eaten any breakfast or taken my morning medications. Ghosthawk told me to sit in the truck for a little while and I started drinking some grapefruit juice that I had bought. While I was sitting in the truck, I noticed that the vulture had flown away. We joked that he had been thinking, "If this fool keeps doing what he is doing, we are feasting," but when I sat down and drank the juice, he thought, "Oh s__t, I have to go hunting."
Thursday afternoon while the sweat lodge was being built I began preparing for building our fire, selecting the stones and the first pieces of wood as well as gathering tinder and kindling. After I built the fire and lit it, it started quickly and intensely. In fact, although I usually light the fire from each direction, this one started so strongly that I couldn't get near the west side. Later, while I was tending the fire, going around it to find what was needed, I noticed that after I had gone around more than 360 degrees, the flames and smoke had been following me. I was blessed with an intense vision when I went in to the lodge for the fourth round. After the lodge and a shower I went to the fire circle wearing only a sarong. I was so full of fire energy that I did not feel the cool night air or hunger for hours.
Friday morning, as I was having my first cup of coffee in front of my tent I saw two ravens having a territorial dispute with another smaller bird. When the smaller bird seemed to win, the ravens began "arguing" like a human couple: "Why did you pick that homesite?" Also, while I was getting my things together for my workshop, I was able to listen to Gina Estevez's workshop. Although there was a small turnout for my workshops, they were intensely interested. Furthermore, I see ways to improve my presentation, especially with the Hindu ritual.
Friday afternoon I had some health issues come up for which I am most grateful to the Guardians for their care. Unfortunately, that kept me from attending workshops that I had hoped to attend as well as keeping me from building and lighting the sweat lodge fire. However, I did recover in time to tend the fire which Ghosthawk had started. After I had given them the stones and the water and closed the door for the first round, I sat down outside the door. As I sat there, I heard a sound and noticed movement to my right. When I looked, I saw a shadow moving just outside the taped off area. I soon recognized that the shape and its movement belonged to a bear. I thought, "It's 'THE BEAR' (the one we hear about at the camp)." However, as I was watching it, it faded away like mist, obviously a spirit bear. When I was sitting outside the door for the next round, I saw a pair of eyes catching the light. At first I thought this might be an alligator, but I soon realized that at the angle I was seeing them, the eyes could not be out on the lake. After a little more observation, I recognized that, from its size and the way it moved, it was some form of dog, either a domestic dog or a coyote. Since this was the "coyote round," I tend to think that this was a spirit coyote, although I did not notice when it went away. Again I was blessed with a powerful vision which, in many ways, was a continuation of the vision from the previous night.
Like the previous night, after a shower, I went to the fire circle. There I got body painting by Cadea on my back, a raven and flames.
Saturday morning my Buddhism workshop was scheduled at 9 AM, but I was blessed with a few very intensely interested attendees. Unfortunately, like the previous morning the Recovery meeting was scheduled at the same time in the other room at Bag End. At least I was able each day to greet some of those in the other group which can be very supportive for someone in Recovery like myself with 22 years sobriety..
Later, although I had been unable to attend the other Druid workshops, I did manage to get to the Druid ritual which proved to be a powerful spiritual experience. Ellen Evert Hopman has a powerful spiritual presence about her. I helped Kaos get the fire bowl and set up the fire. During the ritual, as I was giving my offerings to the tree, I felt its spiritual presence most powerfully. Later as I was giving my offering of oil to the fire, in spite of the intense wind that forced the flames and smoke in one direction, when I was upwind of the fire, I saw some of the flames curling toward me as if trying to oppose the wind. I saw the same phenomenon when Kaos, another lover of fire, made his offering. At the conclusion of the ritual, a divination is done to find out whether our offerings are accepted. The answer was that we had been heard, but that the Goddess of Life and Light and the Goddess of Death wanted more offerings in the form of food and drink offerings. While I am accustomed to preparing a "spirit plate," I wondered how I might be able offer libations since I am 22 years sober. The solution soon came to me: When I am next offered a drink, as I inevitably would be, after a brief explanation I should thank the person and pour out the libation. That night, such an opportunity did present itself and I poured out a little of the drink I was offered without making the person the least bit angry about it.
That night the main ritual was so wonderful. It was a beautiful example that size does not prevent a ritual from being participatory nor from raising energy. I joked with friends that we were trying for the record for the number of people in a Spiral Dance. I felt very energized again with fire energy since the Goddess invoked was Pele. However, I was not brave enough to jump the fire. I joked at the time that, at my age, I really didn't want the fertility it might confer.
Then we went down to the fire circle where I again got body painting on my back. This time, while Cadea had provided the paints, we were to paint each other. One young lady, although she had someone else paint her, painted a bear's paw on my back. In turn, I painted a lady I had met through mutual friends. I stated at the time that I knew that I would be painting her breasts and nothing more. However, I was not particularly happy with the fairy I painted on her shoulder, lacking fine enough brushes or thick enough paints. Inspired by the experience of painting as well as enjoying being painted, I think I shall bring my own brushes and paints to Samhain. Although I had joked about using edible paints and such do exist, even chocolate, I'm not sure that offering to paint a lady with them would be well received.
I then divided my time between visiting with friends and drumming. I even danced a little, but mainly I was focused on drumming the sun up. Knowing that I had found pleasure and a sense of acceptance in it before, it seemed a suitable way to combat the negative feelings from all the talk about sex and my exclusion from the actuality of it.
My Second Adolescence continues
In the time since my previous blog post on this topic I have seen progress that I have made. Once a painfully shy child, I can now strike up a conversation with a stranger although I still need some basic context for my starting point. Having grown up in a matriarchal family, I have always been comfortable in the company of women as long as there is no context of male-female relationships. This has left me with the painful knowledge that I am more like what women say they want than what they demonstrate they want. Over and over I have heard women say they wanted a nice guy who is thoughtful and considerate or complain about how thoughtless and inconsiderate their boyfriend is, only to see them continue to choose another guy whom they consider good looking or "good in bed" but is also thoughtless and inconsiderate. That last evaluation is particularly distressing, because almost no one knows how I am in bed. How then can I be judged as not being "good in bed"?
Another area of progress that I have made is that although I have always had body image problems to the extent that I avoided being seen without a shirt, not only have I become comfortable naked in front of strangers, but also I commonly wear only a sarong at fire circles at All World Acres and at Florida Pagan Gathering. However, this is the toughest area for me, because the evidence is that I am old, fat and unattractive. To strengthen my new confidence I must ignore the evidence of my experience. Not once have I had any indication that I am attractive to women and scales don't lie to me about my weight.
As I wrote in a comment following up the previous blog post on this topic:"While I haven't had sex for 27 years, I also haven't had any romantic type kissing and snuggling in that same length of time. One of the painful things at FPG Beltaine was that with the "kissing stones" I wasn't even a potential candidate to participate. We human beings are so constructed that we need physical contact to thrive. This is one reason that I have unconsciously evolved into a hugger, because that seems to be the only way that I get my requisite of contact." In the year since that Beltaine, I remain unkissed and have little prospect of changing that, because I can't afford to take anyone out on a date. When I did get a free pass to a movie, I couldn't contact anyone to take with me.
Adding injury to injury, this Friday I am seeing a urologist about prostate problems. Every course of treatment about which I have read has the potential or even probability of adverse side effects with regard to sexual function. That means that before I have the opportunity for sexual activity, I may no longer have the possibility of it. That prospect would be profoundly depressing. In fact, I am considering refusing any course of treatment with such a side effect, even if I were being treated for prostate cancer.
Another area of progress that I have made is that although I have always had body image problems to the extent that I avoided being seen without a shirt, not only have I become comfortable naked in front of strangers, but also I commonly wear only a sarong at fire circles at All World Acres and at Florida Pagan Gathering. However, this is the toughest area for me, because the evidence is that I am old, fat and unattractive. To strengthen my new confidence I must ignore the evidence of my experience. Not once have I had any indication that I am attractive to women and scales don't lie to me about my weight.
As I wrote in a comment following up the previous blog post on this topic:"While I haven't had sex for 27 years, I also haven't had any romantic type kissing and snuggling in that same length of time. One of the painful things at FPG Beltaine was that with the "kissing stones" I wasn't even a potential candidate to participate. We human beings are so constructed that we need physical contact to thrive. This is one reason that I have unconsciously evolved into a hugger, because that seems to be the only way that I get my requisite of contact." In the year since that Beltaine, I remain unkissed and have little prospect of changing that, because I can't afford to take anyone out on a date. When I did get a free pass to a movie, I couldn't contact anyone to take with me.
Adding injury to injury, this Friday I am seeing a urologist about prostate problems. Every course of treatment about which I have read has the potential or even probability of adverse side effects with regard to sexual function. That means that before I have the opportunity for sexual activity, I may no longer have the possibility of it. That prospect would be profoundly depressing. In fact, I am considering refusing any course of treatment with such a side effect, even if I were being treated for prostate cancer.
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