My Second Adolescence continues

In the time since my previous blog post on this topic I have seen progress that I have made. Once a painfully shy child, I can now strike up a conversation with a stranger although I still need some basic context for my starting point. Having grown up in a matriarchal family, I have always been comfortable in the company of women as long as there is no context of male-female relationships. This has left me with the painful knowledge that I am more like what women say they want than what they demonstrate they want. Over and over I have heard women say they wanted a nice guy who is thoughtful and considerate or complain about how thoughtless and inconsiderate their boyfriend is, only to see them continue to choose another guy whom they consider good looking or "good in bed" but is also thoughtless and inconsiderate. That last evaluation is particularly distressing, because almost no one knows how I am in bed. How then can I be judged as not being "good in bed"?
Another area of progress that I have made is that although I have always had body image problems to the extent that I avoided being seen without a shirt, not only have I become comfortable naked in front of strangers, but also I commonly wear only a sarong at fire circles at All World Acres and at Florida Pagan Gathering. However, this is the toughest area for me, because the evidence is that I am old, fat and unattractive. To strengthen my new confidence I must ignore the evidence of my experience. Not once have I had any indication that I am attractive to women and scales don't lie to me about my weight.
As I wrote in a comment following up the previous blog post on this topic:"While I haven't had sex for 27 years, I also haven't had any romantic type kissing and snuggling in that same length of time. One of the painful things at FPG Beltaine was that with the "kissing stones" I wasn't even a potential candidate to participate. We human beings are so constructed that we need physical contact to thrive. This is one reason that I have unconsciously evolved into a hugger, because that seems to be the only way that I get my requisite of contact." In the year since that Beltaine, I remain unkissed and have little prospect of changing that, because I can't afford to take anyone out on a date. When I did get a free pass to a movie, I couldn't contact anyone to take with me.
Adding injury to injury, this Friday I am seeing a urologist about prostate problems. Every course of treatment about which I have read has the potential or even probability of adverse side effects with regard to sexual function. That means that before I have the opportunity for sexual activity, I may no longer have the possibility of it. That prospect would be profoundly depressing. In fact, I am considering refusing any course of treatment with such a side effect, even if I were being treated for prostate cancer.