Preparing for Ordination – About “Stabilizing My Practice”

Although there are many aspects to “ stabilizing my practice,” one of the most essential foundational aspects is daily practice is “daily.” Too often I have gotten up late and hurried into the day's activities outside home and skipped some or all of my daily practice. This is a serious failure. However, today I realized that there are at least two levels to this fault.

First is not doing this at the proper time and not doing it with its proper priority. The proper time is ahead of other activities of the day. The proper priority is higher priority than other activities.

The second level of this fault is not to do any daily practice at all. Indeed that is the only true failure, while the other is a fault that might be remedied.

This morning I dragged in getting up and going and skipped the daily offerings. When I returned home around 3:00 PM, after I realized that it was better that I do them late rather than skip them altogether, I did them late though it was.

Of course, where I need to be is to get up early and do my daily morning practice before I even eat breakfast. However, I may make tea for my tea offering, because I give the first sip. After the offerings, I should do whatever sadhana or sutra practice I have. Only then should I have my breakfast after which I ease myself into the day's activities.

Obviously, I am not there yet, but I can keep working on it.

Preparing for Ordination – Completing a First Small Step

The partial shave went so well last night that I finished this morning by shaving off the goatee. While this did go well, it was very “revealing.” Although my beard had been white and had made it unnecessary for me to show I.D. for senior citizen discounts, it also hid some other signs of age. However, I value my age and experience, making every wrinkle and sag honorable. The cream with the aloe in it turns out to be better than any “after shave” product that I've ever used.
Now the world sees a face that it hadn't seen for some time. On the first of July, I'll need to get a new driver's license because this has changed my appearance so much.

Preparing for Ordination – A First Small Step

Tonight I took the first concrete practical step of preparation for my future ordination as a monk wherever and whenever that may be. I shaved the beard I have been wearing for so many years. However, because my face is now so unaccustomed to shaving, I am doing this shave in two stages. Tonight, I shaved my cheeks, turning my full beard into a goatee. In another day or two I will finish the shave by taking off the remainder of the beard.
I can say most definitely that my cheeks have not reacted well to this procedure, but I have given them the treatment of “Special Care Cream” that I got from the VA for other skin care. Hopefully this will be sufficient to overcome the difficulties of shaving. When I read the ingredient list on most “after-shave” products, I cannot conceive of their being any good for skin. This cream, at least, contains Aloe Vera as its chief ingredient.
I shall chronicle my preparations for my ordination, whenever and wherever it may be accomplished.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 50 – More About Aspiration and Preparation

[I just started posting this online when I found out that something in it was no longer applicable with regard to my potential future situation. Of course, all things change and we can never truly predict the future, but sometimes we get to maintain that illusion for a while. This version supercedes the version previously sent out.]

I hated ending my last post on the subject of money. When I was Christian clergy, I always had trouble asking for money and always let someone else handle it for me when any was received. Attachment to it is such a powerful force that it corrupts many good people. Nevertheless, money is necessary to supply essentials for most of us. From now until the ordination is accomplished, my PayPal account will be used exclusively for the necessities for that ordination whether it may be robes or travel. I might even need to share the travel expenses for the monks who will participate in it, although I have been told that the requirement of five monastics is for the ordination of a fully ordained monk (bhikku/gelong).

Furthermore, I must again stress that anything that I have written about the precepts that will govern my life as a novice monk are my own opinions and in no way a genuine commentary. Indeed they are small words on a great subject. However, my own experiences of life may particularly inform that opinion although it may differ strikingly from the perspective of others.

One may see the precepts/samayas/vows as rules which prevent nonvirtue together with the accompanying accumulation of negative karma and indeed they do just that. However, I also see much about them as particularly liberating. In the West, we are so accustomed to all the decisions that are normal parts of life that we are unaware of them. However, I saw refugees from the Soviet Union fail to adapt to American life so profoundly that they had to return to that totalitarian state rather than handle the vast number of choices that America gave them but the Soviet system denied them.

For me the removal of so many decisions by the prescriptions of the Vinaya is liberating and serves to focus my thought and effort and energy on what truly matters. I don't have to choose what to wear, how to fix my hair, what entertainment to attend, or any of a lot of other things. For these things I have either a specific precept spelling it out for me or a “yard stick” by which I may measure the appropriateness of each option before me. The way is cleared for me to devote time, energy and attention to what really matters: study and daily practice.

I realize that one reason that we have the two different levels of ordination, sramranera/getsul and bhikku/gelong, is that some may enter on ordination and then leave it. This sometimes results from the particularly difficult circumstances faced by monastics where there is no tradition of support for monasticism. Nevertheless, I enter upon this with a full commitment such that I would take the full vows of the bhikku/gelong if that were possible. Nonetheless, I accept that another aspect of the two levels of vows allows others to evaluate my commitment and indeed my suitability to be a monk. The need for this I understand, particularly in the West.

Here and now in Florida, like may other places, we don't have any kind of monastic residence, only single novice monks living at and/or serving a Dharma Center. When I am ordained, I shall have to continue to live in my current residence until some other option exists. If I were living in a country with active monasteries, I would more likely begin in one of them. Nevertheless, my military experience and Christian monastic experience both give me a basis for living a disciplined life under a set of rules that I accepted from the beginning. Furthermore, it is my hope that with these younger monks, who shall be my senior, we can start for ourselves the practice of gathering together and reviewing our samayas regularly and repairing any infraction against them which is repairable, much as full monks do in monasteries with regard to the larger set of precepts which they must observe. This of course is not mine to decide, but I believe that even a solitary review would be beneficial, much as I already do at irregular intervals in conjunction with my Vajrasattva practice.

All this may seem to be about my personal life and striving for my own enlightenment, but it is really for the benefit of all sentient beings. As I have written elsewhere, there is no enlightenment without compassion. One way that my monasticism can benefit others is that it continues something begun so many centuries ago by Lord Shakyamuni Buddha. Furthermore, the wearing of robes can give a specific opportunity to share the Dharma. Even the shaving off of my lovely gray beard to which I have been so attached for so long can be a similar opportunity to share the Dharma, because it has been seen for so long by so many that its absence will be quite noticeable. I have been thinking of that first shave after all these years because I feel that my face needs time to become accustomed to shaving again. The removal of such a strong attachment in itself can benefit me as well as all sentient beings

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 49 – Aspiration and Preparation

As I have written before, I aspire to become a monk as soon as that may be arranged. I had the opportunity to discuss this with my root lama who agreed that it should happen and even suggested that it might be most auspicious for my ordination to be right in front of the Jowo Rinpoche. Nevertheless, where and when this may be arranged is outside my control. Such an ordination requires at least five monks, one of whom must be a khenchen or khenpo and one of whom should be a lama, ideally my root lama. The other three monks should be fully ordained. Furthermore, there are others who are also awaiting the opportunity for their ordinations. All these preparations are the work of others.

However, there are preparations that are specifically mine to make. First are the psychological and spiritual preparations. These involve studying the 36 samayas of the novice monk and even acquainting myself with the samayas of the fully ordained monk which I seek to eventually become.

With regard to the Thirty-six Precepts I have the following personal understanding (not truly commentary, not being really qualified for such a thing):

“One should avoid:

1 taking a human life;

2. killing an animal or insect;

3. for selfish reasons, doing an action which may kill an animal or insect and not caring about it; for example, using water that contains insects without straining it; digging a hole in the earth without considering the creatures that might die as a result; cutting grass; overburdening an animal, which causes its death;

4. while doing something for others, doing an action which may kill an animal or insect and not caring about it; for example, splashing water which has insects on a dry place;”

The reverence that I should have for every sentient being is so great that I would grieve over the loss of even one of them. Right now I am practicing this in seeking to preserve every one of the bees in my sister's oak tree. The traditional equipment for a Theravadan monk included a filter to avoid the accidental death of even a small insect in drinking water.

“One should avoid:

5. sexual intercourse;”

Of course this is self-explanatory. I once followed the celibate calling for the wrong reason, but now will enter upon it as part of the right path of Tibetan Buddhist monasticism.

“One should avoid:

6. stealing, taking what has not been given. This includes borrowing things and not returning them, not paying fees and taxes one is required to;”

The monk in no way takes anything directly or indirectly which belongs to another. This includes paying what is truly and legally owed.

“One should avoid:

7. lying in which one claims to have spiritual realizations or powers that one does not have;

8. accusing a pure bhikshu or bhikshuni of transgressing one of the four root precepts (parajika) when he or she has not;

9. insinuating that a pure bhikshu or bhikshuni has transgressed one of the four root precepts when he or she has not;

10. causing disunity among the sangha community through untrue slander or taking sides in a disagreement;

11. supporting someone who is creating disunity in the sangha community, taking sides in the dispute;

12. doing actions which obliterate lay people's faith in the sangha; for example complaining untruthfully to lay people that action brought by the sangha against oneself was unfair;

13. telling others lies;

14. criticizing the storekeeper in the monastery of giving more to those who are near to him or her instead of sharing them with all, when this is not the case;

15. criticizing directly or by insinuation that the storekeeper in the monastery of not giving oneself a share of the food or other things equal to that given to other monastics, when this is not the case;

16. claiming that a monastic gave a teaching in return for a little food, which is not the case;

17. criticizing a bhikshu or bhikshuni by saying that he or she transgressed a precept in the second group (sanghavasesa) when this is not the case;

18. abandoning the training, for example, rejecting the good advice of a nun or monk; criticizing the Pratimoksha Sutra;

19. covering the vegetables with rice; covering the rice with vegetables;”

This is all about lies and other forms of deception. As a monk I must strive to be scrupulously honest in matters both large and small.

“One should avoid:

20. taking intoxicants;”

This includes all forms of drugs and alcoholic beverages, because they can alter one's judgment and result in an unwise choice which might lead to a nonvirtue. Furthermore, as I see it, fundamental to Buddhism is full control of one's mind and I would give that up through the use of any intoxicant.

“One should avoid:

21. singing with self-attachment or for nonsensical reasons;

22. dancing with self-attachment or for nonsensical reasons;

23. playing music with self-attachment or for nonsensical reasons;”

This, I believe, is about pursuing diversions that would keep me from my practice and fill my time with worthless activities and prevent my seeing the true circumstances of samasaric existence.

“One should avoid:

24. wearing ornaments;

25. wearing cosmetics;

26. wearing perfumes;

27. wearing the rosary like jewelry, wearing flower garlands;”

As a monk my clothing is prescribed, removing any concern about how I might appear. No time, thought, or energy need be expended to choose what to wear or how to wear it. However, any of these four things just represent returning to the same old ways.

“One should avoid:

28. sitting on an expensive throne;

29. sitting on an expensive bed;

30. sitting on a high throne;

31. sitting on a high bed;”

This is all about not seeking honors for oneself. In becoming a monk, I am turning my back on any kind of honor or position. My clothing and haircut serve to remove distinctions and difference, making me just one more monk and not something special at all.

“One should avoid:

32. eating after midday (Exceptions: if one is ill, if one is traveling, or if one cannot meditate properly without food.);”

This is really about having a new relationship with food. While it derives from the practice of “alms rounds,” it also relates for taking food only as a necessity. In the food offering prayer we say,”By seeing the food as medicine, I will partake of it without attachment or aversion. It shall not serve to increase my pride, arrogance or strength, but will only maintain my body.”

“One should avoid:

33. touching gold, silver or precious jewels (includes money);”

Of course this is an old problem for mankind against which the monk must guard himself. Hence the common practice of having a veyyavaccakara or steward for one's funds. In my case, I believe that my sister may perform that function well and accumulate merit thereby.”

“One should avoid:

34. wearing lay people's clothing and ornaments; letting one's hair grow long;

35. not wearing the robes of a Buddhist monastic;

36. disrespecting or not following the guidance of one's ordination master. (Precepts 34-36 are called the three degenerating actions.)”

These are ways that I might toy with not being a monk, but they are truly a trap no less than the spider's web is to the fly.

Additionally, I need to work on stabilizing my daily practice, because it is this which will sustain me in my monastic life and is actually the chief purpose of becoming a monk. Furthermore, out of my daily practice flows my service to the Dharma which is the reason that I feel that being a monk is the best use of the remainder of my life. Such preparations are primarily solitary and can only be done by me with some limited help from my vajra brothers and sisters and the direction of my root lama.

However, there are practical preparations that require a certain amount of assistance from others. In order to travel to wherever the ordination is to be and ideally to also have my sister be able to attend I'll need to raise transportation funds. In addition, I need to have my basic set of monastic robes and an alms bowl. While I may be able to sew some of the robes, some may require more skill than I yet possess. Those I would have to purchase. It is usual among Theravadans for the family of a young man to provide this first set of robes, but for a householder who later becomes a monk to provide these for himself. After that, the replacement of the robes is regulated by the vinaya and no longer up to the individual monk because he no longer possesses funds for this. The situation is somewhat modified in the West because, to our great dishonor, we have no tradition of supporting monastics.

I shall resume the “liquidation of my own estate” to start raising these funds, but I doubt that such an effort will be sufficient to meet the need. It is always difficult to ask for help, but I have been advised that such independence is just the American self-reliance and not a Buddhist virtue. Furthermore, I have also been reminded that just as I have walked through this “Journey Through Cancer” this far not for my benefit alone but for the benefit of all sentient beings, any merit that there is in my ordination and monastic life is also to be shared by allowing others to sponsor me. Toward that end, those who may seek to sponsor me may make a deposit into my PayPal account with the email address of john.missing@verizon.net which is the same one into which my eBay sales go.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 48 - From Home to Home - Addendum

One of the things that I needed to come back to Florida to accomplish was to get the bees out of my sister's oak tree and into a hive. Since I've gotten back, I have been anxious to check my hive box on the tree to see what they've been doing. Tonight I looked in on my “girls” and they seem to be working there, drawing comb. Considering how seriously they took exception to my bothering them, I suspect that the queen may be up there laying her eggs. On the other hand, they could just be irritable because it was so hot today. I waited until sunset, because they are usually settled for the night. Unfortunately, as hot as it was today and still is tonight, 90 degrees Fahrenheit at 9:30 PM, that just might have been sufficient reason for irritability.
I thought I could get away with peeking in without “suiting up.” However, I upset them enough about an hour ago that several even followed me into my sister's house. Unfortunately, that did prove fatal for three of them, the one that stung me, the one I caught inside my pants leg, and one that I caught on a table a little too roughly. A friend was able to capture one and get her out of the house alive.
I really should have known better than to open the box under these conditions without long sleeves, long pants and a bee veil. Tomorrow, when I check again to actually know where the queen is, I'll wear everything including gloves. I'll even light the smoker just in case I might need it. However, I hope that misting with plain water or sugar water will be sufficient to pacify them enough for me to work.
Depending on what I find, I can then decide how to proceed. If the queen is in my box, it will be easy to get the rest of the bees into the hive, because they will follow her. Eventually, it may turn out that patience and persistence, two of the values related to the daily offerings as explained by Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche, will be the key to successfully moving these bees out of the tree and into our hive with the fewest deaths among the bees. Nevertheless, I do have parts for a “bee vac” if I need it. However, eventually I probably will need it for another bee removal when time is limited for getting them out of their unwanted colony location.
Regardless of how it works out, these “girls” are still teaching me important lessons from the Dharma. Not only that, they are requiring me to put fulfill the samayas I accepted when I took refuge, officially becoming a Tibetan Buddhist. Furthermore, I am being challenged to be mindful of my conduct in relation to karma. It shows me on a smaller scale the difficulty of trying to only do virtuous actions and strictly avoid nonvirtue. Trying as hard as I could, I keep failing to preserve the life of every bee. Hence I continue to need to purify my karma. It may be a good thing that I not only do Vajrasattva practice on a regular basis, but also have downloaded the daily smoke offering practice text to start that as often as I can.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 48 - From Home to Home

I am most fortunate that there are three places in this country that I consider “home.” Of course, the home where I grew up was my first home and, since I now live in the very house where we lived, I still consider it home. However, when I was in the Navy, I was stationed in Northern California at a remote facility on the coast in “Redwood Country.” After I had been there for a while, I started calling them “our redwoods.” I also started feeling so much a part of the community.

Now I have to include Drikung Meditation Center and the Arlington community where it is located as another place that I consider home. I felt so much at home not only in the center itself, but also in the area. With a “Link Pass” for each week, I mastered navigating the Metropolitan Boston Transit Authority system to get where I needed to go. Although it was cool at night or when it rained, the weather was generally quite moderate. I could really get used to becoming a “snow bird,” wintering in Florida and summering in Massachusetts.

However, it was not really the geography that made me feel so much at home, but rather the people both at the Center and in the neighborhood. My vajra brothers and sisters in the Sangha of the Center made me fully a part of the life of the Center. Furthermore, their neighbors like the “old hippie” across the street with his version of “edible landscaping” also make me very comfortable. Even the grocery store on the corner that gives a $.05 discount for each bag you bring in to use instead of theirs speaks to a positive concern for what we are doing to our environment.

I even appreciate the cultural events that are accessible with the variety of museums and similar venues although I can seldom afford to avail myself of such. On top of that, community resources that address our need for responsible commerce like coffee shops that offer organic, shade grown, fair trade coffee as well as coop groceries that help make organic and environmentally sound products more available and affordable seem to be more common in the Boston area than they are around Tampa Bay.

I do believe that whether I am a Ngakpa , as I am now, or a monk, as I hope soon to be, my Buddhist ethics must be evident in all that I do. Just as my concern for preserving the lives of all sentient beings requires me to be a vegetarian and even to seek different ways to deal with “pests,” it also requires me to examine other aspects of my relationship with them. Furthermore, that concern has to include my fellow human beings wherever they may be, whether I ever see them or not. Indeed, putting on the robes of a monk will require that I be even more circumspect in my conduct as far as all samayas are concerned not only those specific to a monk, but also those common to all Buddhists. It is notable that in the Theravadan tradition among the items that a man must bring when he is to be ordained is a filter for his water in order that he will not inadvertently kill a tiny insect. If we are to be that careful of such a creature, are we to have any less concern for our fellow human beings.

I seek not only to attain enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings, but also to avoid burdening them in their lives. How could I attain enlightenment if I am adding to my negative karma by my actions toward those same sentient beings? It is repeatedly said that without compassion there can be no enlightenment. Shakyamuni Buddha's compassion required him to share it with us through the Dharma and the creation of the Sangha.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 47 – Meeting a Mahasiddha

[Note: I should always proofread my writing carefully with a rested body and mind and never be in too big a hurry to publish it. Or else errors, typographical and otherwise will result and inadvertent mistakes will be made. Please forgive me and accept this corrected blog post.]

Last Friday the Drikung Meditation Center in Boston was blessed with the arrival of His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche, a true mahasiddha. From the moment he arrived I could feel his love and compassion. When I offered him flowers and a kata, he smiled such a smile that it was like a brilliant light flooding around me. I had read that flowers are the perfect gift for a Buddha, because they are so beautiful and yet so ephemeral. It was so clear from the first contact with him that he is indeed a fully enlightened master. Throughout the weekend this was manifested in so many, sometimes small, ways.
On Friday night he gave a public talk on “the Heart of Bodhicitta.” Through the whole weekend he stressed in so many ways the importance of compassion and bodhicitta. Rinpoche's teaching is both profound and yet accessible. He also has an incredible sense of humor. In spite of the fact that he speaks little English, his jokes were still understandable because they involved a little physical humor like putting a cherry against his nose.
On Saturday morning he did a Green Tara empowerment and taught about Tara and enlightened female masters. That is a subject that is too often neglected. Then, in the afternoon he gave the first part of his teaching on the “Ganges Mahamudra,” a very brief but profound text. It covers so much of this deep subject by reference rather than direct statements. Hence we need a teaching from a master to bring this out and to help us to apply it. That evening we celebrated the first anniversary of the Jowo Rinpoche statue coming to America and being installed here. Garchen Rinpoche and others shared some of the stories of the origin and history of the original statue in Lhasa. They also talked about the aspiration of having a proper temple to house the Jowo Rinpoche statue. I have already felt the great positive influence of this particular statue on me.
The celebration also included a potluck dinner. By this point I could see that it would be nearly impossible to keep to my weight loss plan over the weekend, particularly with the fact that I was not sleeping on the third floor but had been moved to the bookstore during the event. There was no more stair climbing to help keep the weight off. On top of that there was such an abundance of food and not exactly low calorie food at that.
Sunday morning Garchen Rinpoche gave a Chenrezig empowerment and, because Chenrezig is the bodhisattva of compassion, in the accompanying teaching again stressed the importance of compassion and bodhicitta. Two notable characteristics of Rinpoche's teaching are accessibility and applicability. He talks on a level that everyone can understand without neglecting the depth of the teaching. Furthermore, although he may be teaching on a very specific subject there is an attention to its application in everyday life as well as many spiritual practices which are not specifically part of the subject, but are nevertheless useful.
That morning a friend from Florida arrived. Having been encouraged by the excitement in my voice when I left her a message, she came up just for the day. She took me out to lunch and also bought food for the Ganachakra Tsok. Furthermore, she brought worms to be liberated from the danger of death for the benefit of Garchen Rinpoche for long life although she had not been asked and had no way of knowing that it was something that I had hoped we would do. They were released later in day by KDC's resident monk Venerable Konchok Gedun with suitable mantra chanting.
In the afternoon he completed his teaching on the “Ganges Mahamudra.” Following that we had a Ganachakra Tsok, a food offering and feast. There was so much food! And we sang some songs, silly ones like “You Are My Sunshine,” plus serious ones like the “Star Spangled Banner” and the Tibetan National Anthem. During this celebration again Rinpoche's sense of humor was evident. He mildly clowned around and very obviously delighted in the fun everyone was having and seemed to particularly enjoy the Tibetan folk songs being sung. At the end of the Tsok celebration, the Center's board members approached him with katas and gave him a donation for the Garchen Institute and to cover his expenses, but he donated it right back toward the building of a temple for the Jowo Rinpoche statue. He made a hand sign like holding a tiny seed and then made a gesture like it was growing.
Sunday evening Rinpoche addressed a Tibetan community group, but I have not progressed sufficiently in my study of the Tibetan language in this lifetime nor remembered enough from a previous lifetime to understand any of it. Furthermore, I was busy copying and labeling discs that we were making from our recordings of the teachings. This is my small contribution to the spreading of the Dharma, especially the teachings from such an enlightened master as Garchen Rinpoche.
While it is most doubtful that I could ever be a lama, especially since I could not avoid going to the VA for prescription refill for the normally required 3 year retreat, nevertheless, I can utilize every skill I have ever learned to serve the Dharma and help it spread. Whether I am fixing a light or a toilet or copying and labeling discs or assembling and stapling booklets, I am helping to spread the Dharma as well as helping Garchen Rinpoche's words reach more people, I am practicing what I call “active compassion.” I am not doing this for my own benefit nor for honor or distinction, but for the sake of all sentient beings.
As far as my ordination as a novice monk is concerned, I believe that some would like it to be in Boston, in front of the Jowo Rinpoche statue. I can't think of a more auspicious place, although I had thought that Katsel Dharma Center in Florida would be a wonderful place too. Nevertheless, wherever and whenever it is to be, it is not really up to me. At least right now, as I see it, Drikung Meditation Center in Boston has a Khenpo visiting for a while and probably a couple of Lamas not far away, requiring only three more monks who could then be simple monks. Much of my experience has strengthened and further solidified my aspiration to be a monk. Recently hearing the statement that the wearing of the robes makes us more mindful and strengthens us helped me recognize that my wearing my robes most of the time in Boston did just that. Furthermore, although I mostly only wore them in the center, on a few occasions I wore them outside, such as to the restaurant Sunday, a couple of times to the store across from the Center and taking two neighborhood walks Wednesday. In addition to the impact of the robes on ourselves, it has also been pointed out that they open opportunities to share the Dharma with others.
While I was been in Boston, I had two interesting culinary experiences. I had several cups of Tibetan butter tea and love it. On top of that I had the traditional Tibetan tsampa, a toasted barley flour, which is served as a ball of dough after mixing with water. Sometimes this is mixed with a little dri (female yak) cheese, but I don't think any was used that morning. The Drikung Meditation Center is blessed to have Khenpo Choepel visiting. He is such a kind and gentle man. I hope he can have a long visit there, because he can benefit the Center greatly with his gentle manner and his great compassion. I also think that the loving environment and the presence of the Jowo Rinpoche will be very good for him.
With my departure Thursday morning, I had mixed feelings. I was sad to leave there, because I have come to feel so much at home there and also I will miss the time that I have spent in meditation alone in front of Jowo Rinpoche. However, I am also anxious to get home to my family and my vajra brothers and sisters at Katsel Dharma Center. I am also eager to get our bees out of my sister's tree and into our hive shortly after I get back. They have taught me so much and have more lessons to teach. They are, after, all some of the sentient beings that we are to benefit by all our practice and all our deeds.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 46 – Plans versus Karma

Wednesday morning I set out from the Center with a certain list of things to accomplish. I was going to visit the office and bike shop of “Bikes Not Bombs,” having been impressed by their practical efforts with a mission of peace and service to others. Having begun some time ago the practice of chanting the Amitabha mantra in connection with the death of an animal and having benefited from the teachings of Lama Gursam, I wanted to attend his animal blessing at an animal shelter. In addition, I had discovered that I had accidentally bought a can of split pea soup with bacon rather than a vegetarian one and decided that I should give it to someone who needed it either directly or through a food bank. Finally, I had a short list of necessities to buy.
Armed with notes from the MBTA “trip planner” I knew just which buses and trains should take me to each destination. Leaving the Center fairly early, I ventured forth to follow the plan to its successful completion. However, the day did not go as planned. When I arrived at the office of “Bikes Not Bombs,” no one was there. Since they are a volunteer organization, they probably can only keep there office open when someone is available. Therefore, I moved forward with my planned day, setting off for their bike shop, thinking that it would be more likely to be staffed. However, I could not seem to find the address, although I had followed the directions from the MBTA “trip planner.” I even asked customer service at the station and other people from the area. None of them knew where “Bartlett Square” was.
By this time my arthritic joints were really hurting me and the thought of much more walking seemed foolish. Nevertheless, I was planning to go on to the animal blessing when I heard the warning tones from my hearing aid. The battery was dying and the replacements were back at the Center. As softly as Lama Gursam speaks, I knew that it would be useless for me to go to the animal shelter, because I would hear very little of the blessing ceremony. Furthermore, considering that I still had to get a few necessary items at the store, I headed back toward the Center.
Since I made my bus connection at Harvard Station, I decided to walk over to Harvard Square, as someone recommended, to find someone to whom I could give my can of split pea soup with bacon. The first fellow who approached me panhandling said that he couldn't heat it and couldn't eat pea soup anyway. However, when I saw a man sleeping on a bench with all his worldly belongings beside him, I offered the soup to him. This gentleman raised up and thanked me for it saying, “It's my favorite.” It seems that it was his karma to have the soup given to him and mine to find him to give it to him. This moment of active compassion needed both of us to be there at that place and time.
As I rode the bus back to Arlington, I thought about how the day had developed and realized that perhaps the most important thing in the day happened in Harvard Square. Everything else may have been good to do, but it did not measure up to that moment. Just like Carmen had helped me see at the beginning of my radiation treatments, it mattered most how I lived the Dharma. That is what brought me through it all with my faith intact and at the same time enabled me to be of service to others.
Further reflecting on the day, I also realized that there might have been a second important aspect of the day that had earlier escaped my notice. From the time that I was walking to the first bus in the morning, I seemed to be chanting mantras softly, under my breath. The first one seemed to start of its own accord, as did a few others , but others were merely a matter of singing along with my MP3 player when I was playing it. Another thing that I noticed often through the day was that many of the people that I saw on the buses and trains seemed to be in pain, unhappy, or otherwise suffering and I was moved without thought to feel compassion for them. They didn't know any way out of their pain any more than I had for so many years. Maybe in some strange way I was supposed to be chanting mantras for them. At least we are supposed to be doing all of our practices “for the benefit of all sentient beings.” Perhaps this was one such way for me.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 45 – Sickness, Death, and the Dharma

Tuesday night's meditation class here at the Drikung Meditation Center was led by Venerable Konchok Gedun, resident monk of Katsel Dharma Center in Florida. For one so young he gave profound teachings, although perhaps not as profound as a lama or geshe might. One of his favorite prayers to include in the closing prayers at the end of a practice is called, “Using Wisdom and Courage.” As we read the words, as I often do, I saw their applicability to my own life as it has unfolded, but the connections were somewhat clearer, probably thanks to the influence of Jowo Rinpoche. These were my thoughts regarding each verse:
“I rely on you, buddhas and bodhisattvas, until I achieve enlightenment. Please grant me enough wisdom and courage to be free from delusion.” Since I do not have an overabundance of wisdom and courage, indeed sometimes little of either, I need all the help I can get. With regard to delusions, how different am I than the most delusional psychotic? I just share the delusions of a larger group of other people!
“If I am supposed to get sick, let me get sick, and I’ll be happy. May this sickness purify my negative karma and the sickness of all sentient beings.” The cancer with which I have been dealing these many months is just the result of karmic seeds planted in a previous lifetime. It is just pure cause and effect. Nevertheless, it purifies that karma and can even purify other negative karma especially if I can make it benefit others. I can do just that not only by dedicating it to others just as we do with meritorious actions but also by sharing the journey in ways such as this blog.
“If I am supposed to be healed, let all my sickness and confusion be healed, and I’ll be happy. May all sentient beings be healed and filled with happiness.” The very healing that I now believe has been accomplished is not just about physical illness, but also about spiritual illness as well. Every bit of Dharma practice whether in prayers, chants, and sadhanas or in conducting myself differently especially in striving to be of service to others, all of this treats the spiritual illness. Furthermore, all of this I share with all sentient beings.
“If I am supposed to die, let me die and I’ll be happy. May all the delusion and the causes of suffering of beings die.” Death is inevitable, but it need not be meaningless. At the very least my death, when it comes, will be one more example of just that very inevitability as well as the impermanence of everything. Perhaps that will help someone find their way to the path or stay on it
“If I am supposed to live a long life, let me live a long life and I’ll be happy. May my life be meaningful in service to sentient beings.” I really have no clue how long or short the remainder of my life may be, but its true meaning and value comes from being in service to others. There is no greater source of true happiness and joy. I am reminded that “without compassion there is no enlightenment.” However, with compassion there can be enlightenment for all sentient beings.
“If my life is to be cut short, let it be cut short and I’ll be happy. May I and all others be free from attachment and aversion.” The inherent brevity of life makes attachment and aversion useless, since, whether because of change or because of death, we will with absolute certainty be separated from everything to which we are attached or from which we are averse. Perhaps, if my life is short someone else may see just how useless both attachment and aversion are.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 44 – Anticipation, Aspirations, and Reality

As each day brought me closer to my trip to Boston my excitement increased in anticipation of receiving such important teachings and empowerments. To me it is quite significant that the first empowerment will be a Medicine Buddha empowerment which was the first that I received even before I took refuge as a Tibetan Buddhist. Indeed it was why I eventually did take refuge. On that occasion I experienced profound past life memories and also Tibetan Buddhist customs which were so similar to Native American customs with which I had already connected on a deep spiritual level.
All these things made it inevitable that I would seek further opportunities to learn about Tibetan Buddhism after years of studying about Buddhism from Theravadan and Zen perspectives. Zen had always seemed so austere while the Theravadan traditions were more attractive but still remained distant to me. On the other hand, Tibetan Buddhism and even the Tibetan language felt very comfortable and even quite familiar. Now that my cancer treatments are finished and I have recovered from them, I believe I will resume my efforts to learn the language even at the rudimentary level of being able to read the prayers and chants from the Tibetan text if only phonetically at first.
In time I will try to get the books to study the grammar and vocabulary. I must follow up on the feeling of familiarity for the language that I felt during the Medicine Buddha Retreat that was my first direct exposure to Tibetan Buddhism in this lifetime. Perhaps with study it will open up to me. Nevertheless, I believe that I must study and master the Tibetan language, not just for casual use but in order to directly understand teachings whether they are given in Tibetan or English.
My anticipation of this visit to Boston was not disappointed. So far none of the monks or lamas or His Eminence Garchen Rinpoche have arrived. It is only us worker bees in the Center. Nevertheless, staying in the same building as the Jowo Rinpoche Statue and meditating in its presence have been empowering. I am not a morning person, but I have gotten up three mornings in a row before 6 AM. This particular statue of Lord Buddha Shakyamuni is an “emanation” replica of the most revered statue in Tibet. In the end, the power of its presence is so phenomenal. One of the things that is so clear is that I want nothing more than to be a monk as soon as that can be arranged. However, it is best that I follow the sound advice of Lama Sonam whatever that maybe.
I have been working to put together the booklets of the text about which H.E. Garchen Rinpoche will be teaching. Besides tasks that may come up in preparation for his visit, I will also assemble copies of the Thirty-Seven Bodhisattva Practices which will be given to H.E. Garchen Rinpoche as a gift because he is big on giving copies to everyone. It is such a wonderful blessing to be working on a gift for him.
It is also so very special to be here on Saga Dawa for Lama Gursom's teaching and empowerment, because my first empowerment was Medicine Buddha. This time, not only did I feel an energy in the empowerment, his instruction on how to do the practice helped so much to understand the generation phase more than I have before. When we did the practice, it was much better than I had been able to do previously. Lama Gursom is a very special treasure in the Drikung Kagyu order for one so young. Of course like most who start at a monastery as a child, the signs of age do not show like they do on the rest of us.
The Center here does Phowa practice on Friday evenings. I was fortunate that Lama Gursam did the transmission right after his teaching for those of us who had not had it and joined us in the practice after supper. I felt like a kindergarten student in a classroom at MIT. However, I could tell the power of this practice and look forward to being able to fully participate. Furthermore, I look forward to the day that such a practice might bear fruit.
I plan to see Lama Gursam in a few days when he will be doing an animal blessing at an animal shelter. I hope to make an outing of that day by going to visit Bikes Not Bombs in the morning and then meeting the group at the shelter around noon. There is so much to learn from him. I look forward to his teachings in Florida in a few months.
Since I have been here, I have been having a most strange experience. Although I have not really had anything to do with the Tibetan language before around a year ago, I have been having flashes of recognizing not just words but grammar. Unfortunately, I do not yet know the alphabet and can only see this in the transliteration. Nevertheless, it is so striking to see the “parts of speech” and word order in a language I have not yet truly studied. I must start to actually study it as soon as possible. I must add to the alphabet recognition on which I have worked sporadically now a more formal study.
Since staying in the same building as the Jowo Rinpoche Statue and meditating in its presence has brought such great blessings, I cannot imagine what may result when I am not only doing that but also sleeping under the same roof as H. E. Garchen Rinpoche who is regarded by some as a Mahasiddha. He has done so much to spread the Dharma here in the West where it is needed so much. Just thinking about the next weekend turns my mind to the reason for all of this, “Buddhahood for the sake of all sentient beings.”