Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 52 -Side Effects and Surprises

As I went through my radiation treatments various side effects of the radiation developed at various points through the course of therapy. I was plagued by fatigue. Urinary pain developed. Through a lot of the time I experienced inflammation of my hemorrhoids which was annoying but not serious. After my treatments were finished the side effects subsided at different rates.

A few weeks after radiation was over the urinary pain had seemed to go away, only to come back later. At the time I thought it had another cause, but the urologist, after cystoscopy, told me that it was just from my prostate and that it was just what she would expect after radiation. In time this resolved, but it hasn't completely gone away although I would only characterize the occasional pain as “twinges.” Similarly the hemorrhoidal irritation subsided and returned to a pre-treatmant frequency of occurrence. The fatigue even got better to the point that I can get things done, although I have to admit that I am still not back to 100%.

About a month ago I started having a difficult to discuss and even more difficult to handle problem of rectal bleeding. It started out at a level that was like a severe hemorrhoid flare-up. Therefore, I was not too concerned about it and expected it to pass in a few days. However, it didn't clear up in about four weeks. In fact, in the last few days it got so much worse that I went to the ER at the VA yesterday. In an amazingly short visit, I was able to find out that, based on blood tests, the blood loss had not been significant, although it had looked alarming to me. Furthermore, the doctor ordered a colonoscopy as a precaution, because we cannot assume that this in fact only the result of the radiation treatments in spite of the high probability that is only that. As he pointed out there are too many possible causes of the bleeding that must be ruled out since some of them could be quite serious. I am most grateful that VA doctors are more inclined than those in private health care to order tests on the basis of best practice because they don't have to justify an expense to an insurance company.

I was really surprised that I would still be dealing with side effects of my radiation treatments almost six months after the last therapy session. However, just as the doctor pointed out to me, these tissues got blasted with radiation even though the prostate was targeted as the focus of the beams. Each beam still had to pass through healthy tissues and organs to reach the tumor or tumors. While these are of low enough intensity to not cause immediate serious harm, they are not without effect either.

Interestingly, the doctor who treated me had been my primary care physician before he was transferred to “ Urgent Care.” In some ways it seems that the VA is benefiting from his heightened diagnostic skills from his experience on active duty previously in Afghanistan. When he saw me, he almost didn't recognize me cleanshaven. We talked a little about my monastic aspirations.

Although I wish it were already over, I am still walking through my “Journey Through Cancer.” I cannot afford to be overwhelmed by each new development. The reality that we all have to accept, if we are to have any peace, is that everything changes which includes the certainty of death. I have survived so many things, but I still will have to die someday of something. With that certainty I still have to try to do what needs to be done.

What I need to work on are matters of my own practice as well as being of service to others. For example I have begun and will continue to do an auspicious smoke ceremony from time to time not only for my benefit but also for the benefit of my family and friends and all sentient beings. Furthermore, my medical history has brought about greater empathy for everyone dealing with medical issues especially hospitalization. I need to contact the local hospital to make myself available especially for Buddhists. At the very least, I can be the contact point for finding the appropriate persons to serve their needs. As I have written before, going through all of this is not just about the purification of my own karma, but also about making it beneficial for myself and all sentient beings.

Preparing for Ordination – Changes of Plans

The arrangements for my ordination to happen in Boston in September have not come together. Instead, I shall be waiting and hoping to be part of the next group to be ordained, probably at Tibetan Meditation Center in Maryland, perhaps at the next Spring Retreat. However, all this, like the other arrangements is in the hands of others. Meanwhile, I still have my preparations to continue: raising funds (both by continuing to “liquidate my own estate” and save money), sewing robes, and buying robes that I can't sew.

More significant for me are the spiritual and educational preparations that I need to make before my aspiration of ordination is fulfilled. First, I have been studying the Tibetan calendar with regard to auspicious dates for practices and other activities. The first result of this is that I have made my own interim “practice calendar” to use until I can get a more “official” one. In this way, my daily practices may be more in keeping with the wealth of our tradition and less a matter of my own whims.

In addition to this, my first course from Dharmakirti College starts next month, the first of many that I shall be taking. I plan to go through the entire curriculum that is available online. Furthermore, I shall start studying the Tibetan language on a more systematic basis. That will begin with the materials available online free to download. I hope to be able to follow that with a more extensive course although it may still need to be self-taught, because I doubt that I can go anywhere that offers the necessary curriculum.

I was advised by someone not to let my aspirations be widely known. However, that would be difficult at this point since I've been blogging everything for months, but my blogs have been approved by my root lama. I don't know that the present vein of my posts still meets with his approval, but I haven't been told to stop and too much was already covered in the blogs under the title of “Journey Through Cancer” which I know was approved.

The advice about secrecy was in order to avoid obstacles to the aspiration arising. However, that kind of opposition would suggest some sort of supernatural interference. For that kind of thing I have to trust in the protectors to whom we Drikungpa turn already such as Achi Chokyi Drolma. I have the evidence of the centuries that she has guarded us and the more recent small but not insignificant assistance that she has given me. We do get help from these kind of sources just like I received.

In fact, I just got help that I have to attribute to the aid of Yellow Dzambala. An item that I listed on eBay sold for the “Buy Now” price within 31 minutes of being listed. I have intermittently done water offerings in addition to doing a set of daily offerings also to Yellow Dzambala. I might look at it as a quid pro quo, but I believe it is more a matter of orienting myself and my intentions more compassionately. The essence of these practices are truly about serving others and generating generosity toward others.

I was recently told that Shakyamuni Buddha attained enlightenment solely through meditation. However, I don't think that is entirely correct, because he studied meditation from great meditators who taught him, but they had not attained enlightenment themselves. Perhaps one of the differences between his teachers and Lord Buddha is that he was not just seeking to free himself from suffering but to find the path for all of us. In other words, he practiced not only the most advanced meditation, but also the most profound compassion. Remember that we have been taught that without compassion there can be no enlightenment.

Over and over in our practices we are reminded that we are seeking Buddhahood not for ourselves alone, but for the benefit of all sentient beings. We are reminded of this so many times because we need all of the reminders or else we slip back into the selfishness to which we are so inclined by habit. If we are to maintain the kind of lovingkindness and compassion and bodhicitta that we need, we require constant reminders and repeated practice. Just as an athlete needs rigorous practice to excel at a sport, we practitioners need all the aspects of our training to attain our goal. We need our deity practices as well as our meditation and we need to cultivate compassion and bodhicitta.

I have often wondered how much prayer changes things and how much it changes us. I sometimes think that it is more important that it changes us!

Preparing for Ordination – Addendum to “A Financial Setback”

Since I haven't had any sponsors step up to totally pay for my robes or provide for all my travel expenses, I have the choice between not going forward with my aspiration for ordination or redoubling my own efforts. Toward the latter end, I believe that I need to not give up on sewing my own robes. I have encountered difficulties because these items are the product of a different culture and therefore do not adhere to the practices of European and American clothing construction. Nevertheless, I have the items in hand to copy and have more time than money to apply to meet this need.

I need to remember the common Theravadan practice of a householder providing his first set of robes. Not being dependent on his family anymore he takes the responsibility on himself. Although in Tibetan culture it had become rarer for a man to enter the monastery after years as a householder, it has become much more common in the West. However, we do not have a culture that sees any value in supporting monasticism whether Christian or Buddhist. There was a time when there were rulers, although at all times few in number, who believed that they gained more safety for their land by having monastics praying than by having soldiers armed.

Is one of the lessons that I am to learn from these preparations that, notwithstanding the financial rules for monks in the Vinaya and the principles that underly them, I shall be solely responsible for my own support? Although there is merit in the support of monastics, have such sponsors virtually vanished? I am indeed very grateful for those who have provided support although their own means are limited. They gain such great merit far beyond the size of the gift, because they are practicing compassion and generosity. Furthermore, those small gifts are not insignificant, because they do add together, beyond simple arithmetic, to meet needs.

In my own circumstances, this is more an inconvenience than an impediment, but it represents a more substantial obstacle to the growth of Buddhist monasticism outside a few ethnic communities. Even among the traditionally Buddhist immigrants the support of their monastics has taken new forms. In what cities of this country can you find monks making “alms rounds”? The only one about which I have read is one out West whose monastery is made up of mostly Westerners who are teaching the local community about this form of practicing generosity.

Could we even see in the nation's economic disaster a material event having a spiritual cause? I have read too many articles from too many different authors with diverse points of view who agree that greed was a major component of the conditions that resulted in the crisis. Nevertheless, I do take hope in the growth of essentially secular institutions like “Food Not Bombs” and “Bike Not Bombs” that want to act on a different basis. From such roots we need to grow the understanding that material conditions have their origin in spiritual conditions. Whether “good karma” or “bad karma,” it begins with the intention and the decision behind the action.

If we seek true happiness and success, rather than adopt the purely materialistic philosophies that have dominated in the West, we need to listen to what His Holiness the Dalai Lama has said, “From my own limited experience I have found that the greatest degree of inner tranquillity comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater our own sense of well-being becomes. Cultivating a close, warm,hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. This helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the ultimate source of success in life.”

Preparing for Ordination – A Financial Setback

I have done well with my sales of stuff on eBay to raise the cost of my robes and travel to my ordination. I had reason to hope that my sister would also be able to make the trip to Boston. However, the van seemed to be running a little hot on Saturday. On Sunday when I checked things over, I found where water was leaking around a hose. Unfortunately, I could not reach the opposite end of the hose to be able to change it myself.

Today I took the van to the garage where we usually have our vehicles repaired when I can't do the work myself, more and more often as my arthritis has progressed. It turned out to not be the hose but rather the fitting to which it attaches, an outcome that was not unexpected when I saw how the water streamed out between the hose and the fitting. Although the shop is quite reasonable in their charges, the part can only be ordered from Ford rather than a regular parts house. Therefore the expense of this small repair (and the radiator flush and fill that may protect another cooling system part from rusting out) will be significant.

Essentially, it will wipe out my PayPal account, leaving me to start over raising funds for my robes and travel. Fortunately, I have eliminated or reduced some of my monthly expenses, allowing me to contribute more from my next two pension checks. However, I still have not repaired my pickup truck yet. In fact, I am still not sure whether the filter and spark plug replacements will do the job. Nevertheless, that is the only level of work I can do on it, but it is in keeping with the very basic troubleshooting rule that an engine needs air, fuel and spark to run. However, even in this I must remember that I cannot be attached to a particular outcome, but rather must accept whatever happens and work with it rather than senselessly fight against it.

My sister now doubts that she will be able to attend my ordination. I admonish her not to project a certain outcome, but rather accept whichever one occurs. The important thing is that I live according to the Dharma and serve the Dharma not just for the benefit of myself but for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Reflecting on the large number of people who are in financial distress at this time, now sensitized to their suffering by this small setback, perhaps I should add a brief daily Dzambala water offering to my daily offering routine each morning. Although I don't have the fine ritual objects like a bumpa or a complete water offering set, it is more important that I have the altruistic motivation to help everyone and generate bodhicitta. The right disposition of mind is more important than the specific ritual items used.

A Protector Protects

Yesterday, I had the occasion to drive down to Siesta Key for a while. I often chant mantras while driving alone, not counting them because the mala could interfere with driving. I just change which one I chant at irregular intervals. Last night I was driving back to Plant City from there. I had chosen to take US41 rather than Interstate 75, but decided that I would take Interstate 4 from Tampa. However, there was a construction zone where the four eastbound lanes were routed into one. When we got to the final shift of two lanes into one, I had my blinker on for quite a distance before I saw a space into which I could move. When I moved over, someone seemed to get upset although he was well back from me when I did it.
At this point in my mantra chanting, I was chanting the mantra for Achi Chokyi Drolma. The driver behind me kept driving up very close very quickly even flashing his high beams. I had nowhere to go to get out of his lane and there was also Highway Patrol car parked among the construction vehicles with its strobes flashing. I felt my heartbeat increase and my blood pressure rise, the first feelings of rising anger. However, instead of overwhelming me I felt the anger subside. Just as I recognized this happening within me, I also noticed that the driver behind had stopped the aggressive behavior, perhaps having notice the Highway Patrol car also.
I realized that I had been protected by Achi, not only from the danger of an aggressive driver, but also from the effects of anger which had started but dissipated. I actually started to feel bad for the driver who had been overwhelmed by anger. It was truly sad that he or she seemed to suffer from all the poisons: anger, attachment and ignorance. My incipient anger was replaced by compassion for someone suffering but not knowing why or what to do about it. This inspired me to chant the Chenrezig mantra as well as the Green Tara mantra until I got home. It also helped me remember to dedicate my chanting to benefit all sentient beings.

Preparing for Ordination – The Formation of Good HabitsPreparing for Ordination – The Formation of Good Habits

For a while now I have kept my hair quite short, so short that I would joke that I knew it was time for a haircut when I would have to dry my hair after a shower, i.e. there was enough hair to hold water. At CUUPs Full Moon ritual Saturday night I explained to someone that, as I understood it, I would now shave my head every full moon and new moon.
After I arrived home, I realized that the full moon would be in two days. Therefore, I decided that, although I would not shave my head until after my ordination, I would start making the full moon and the new moon my “haircut days.” Of course, there is so little time until my ordination that it wouldn't be long enough for a habit to really be formed. Nevertheless, I believe it would be most appropriate for me to start what will eventually be my habit.
Actually this decision has less to do with the formation of this specific habit, but more to do with forming the habit of following the rules that will guide me as a monk. As I have written before, the samayas that a monk observes take the place of all the little decisions which make up our daily lives. We don't have to waste time, energy, and thought on things that ultimately don't matter. Of course, we are spared the karmic consequences that some of our choices would carry, but we are also freed to attend to the things that truly matter. However, I must remember that the issue in question in this specific decision is merely a haircut, not something of particularly lasting repercussions.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 51 – Unexpected Consequences to Preparing for Ordination

Yesterday, I had the surprise of a traffic stop by a police officer in Lakeland, Florida, for an expired registration. It had been due on the van back in January, right in the middle of my radiation therapy. I think I gave the paperwork to my sister at the time, because, at that point I wasn't handling more than sleeping, eating, and getting to my radiation therapy sessions. However, she was not exactly functioning at her best either. Quite obviously we didn't renew the registration at that time.

As soon as I could get to the tag agency, I renewed the registration at a cost of $101. That together with the fine for the ticket of about $99, has effectively wiped out my deposit to my PayPal account. This might be really discouraging except that I sold the first of my eBay items yesterday also.

I still have the distinct expectation that I shall still be able to raise the necessary funds, not only for my robes and travel, but also to be able to have my sister travel to Boston as well. My costs have been reduced by the items that I was given as well as those that I shall be able make myself. This should keep my needs minimal. Furthermore, the friend who bought the first item specifically intends to be helping me with this. I have every reason to believe that there are others either out of friendship or because they see value in what I'm doing who will also help me get to Boston for my ordination.

I don't see that I have any choice but to continue with both my preparations and my fundraising. I have survived my cancer. I have found the most worthwhile use of the rest of my life. I still have plenty of pattern making and sewing to do. I have more sorting through things to find more stuff that I should either “liquidate” or give away.

I cannot afford to be attached even to my plans and expectations. Nevertheless, I believe that I will make the trip and be ordained, because it is the right thing. What higher purpose can the rest of my life have than to serve the Dharma? The application of Dharma in everyday life was the key to managing to make this “Journey through Cancer” so well! Furthermore, I have to remember that sponsorship at such times is a way that the lay people participate in any merit that there is in an ordination. Perhaps they can't become monks or nuns themselves, but they can help monks and nuns meet their needs. Could this just be part of the reason that the Vinaya provides for monks and nuns to receive their support from others? Once again I must remember that it is not just about my own benefit, but rather about how I may be of benefit to all sentient beings.

Preparing for Ordination – A Significant Practical Step

This morning I made a significant practical step in my preparations for my ordination. Yesterday, I received my Economic Recovery Package “Stimulus Check.” Today I did an Electronic Funds Transfer of most of the amount to my PayPal account to start saving toward the expenses of my first robes and the transportation. In addition to this, my eBay auction items have both bidders and watchers which is encouraging that I will be able to raise more funding for my needs for this most important event of my life.

On top of this I was gifted two items of my robes and I was able to borrow shirts that I can copy. Although I am a bit larger than the owner of the shirts, I have been able to enlarge patterns before. I have the paper to make my patterns and time on my hands with the rain we have been having, making this an opportune moment for this project. I might even be able to finish a shirt that I could wear even before my ordination. Nevertheless, this should be a relatively simple sewing project.

The idea of sewing all or part of my robes myself makes sense to me. When I was a Christian monk, it offended me very greatly that the monastic robes were so expensive. It seemed so wrong that so much money would be charged for the clothing of persons who had vowed poverty. Similarly, as a Buddhist monk who is prohibited from handling silver, gold, or currency, why should the clothing that originated as castoffs that no one would want now be so expensive? Even the very designs of some of the garments carry the mark of these beginnings. Why should we have forgotten them?