Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 79 – As the Journey Continues – Disappointing Labs

Monday I had another appointment with the oncologist which I had expected to show continued progress. However, whereas my previous PSA test value had been 1.1, this one was 2.6, more than double, and heading in the wrong direction. Needless to say, I was disappointed, but I understand that a single lab result does not make a trend. Too many other things could cause an elevated PSA result for us to conclude that the cancer is back. We just have to monitor this, but we cannot take it for granted, because it is not a good change.

Nevertheless, I plan to resume my program of alternative treatments in the meantime. I shall again make my “medicinal noodles” with the Reishi broth and Shitake mushrooms and broccoli. I will again be drinking green tea with lemongrass. I shall also commence the Tibetan inner yoga practice that I just learned at Spring Retreat, “ the one cure for a hundred illnesses.” I had previously used a form of visualization with a meditation for mobilizing the “healer within.” This will definitely be more advanced and hopefully more powerful and effective.

As things had been progressing, it had seemed reasonable that this appointment would have continued the same trend of steadily improving lab results. My “Journey Through Cancer” was wrapping up both in life and in this blog. I had even taken ordination as a Tibetan Buddhist monk which would have helped shape the final blog entries as well as the conclusion of any book derived from this blog. However, life usually doesn't follow such neat patterns and hasn't in this case. Nevertheless, I find it not coincidental that I just learned this inner yoga practice at Spring Retreat and did so after my ordination.

Throughout this “Journey Through Cancer” my Buddhist faith has provided me with the tools to cope with the difficulties that it presented. Indeed, I have been able to find means to turn the negatives into positives, to make the purification of my karma the occasion of gaining merit through its benefit to others. It may now have provided a tool for dealing with a health problem at such an early stage that other means may not be required. Nevertheless, I shall continue to use all the tools that I am provided as I continue the journey a little farther.

Among the tools that I now have are the ten precepts of the novice monk or getsul/sramanera. According to these precepts I am to avoid:

“ 1. killing (To break from the root, one must kill a human being with intention);

2. taking what is not given (stealing) (To break from the root, one must steal something that could bring about legal intervention in one's society);

3. sexual intercourse (To break from the root, one must have intention and experience orgasm. This refers to heterosexual or homosexual contact.);

4. lying (To break from the root, one must lie about one's spiritual attainments);

5. taking intoxicants (This includes alcohol and recreational drugs);

6. singing, dancing, playing music;

7. wearing perfume, ornaments or cosmetics to beautify the body;

8. sitting on a high or expensive bed or throne;

9. eating after midday;

10. touching gold, silver or precious objects (including money). ”

Unfortunately, I had to start out bending the last two from the very beginning, because of diabetes and because of the bus trip. Nevertheless, I cannot afford to be casual about such “bending” of either of them. Any eating after midday must be regarded as something done out of medical necessity and not something from which to derive pleasure. Likewise, I must minimize my handling of money without ever losing sight of the fact that any handling of it still is contrary to the precept no matter how unavoidable the situation may be at the time.

When I stated that it was unlikely that I would ever be a Lama, it was pointed out to me by someone who is worthy to be heeded that just by keeping my vows I would be teaching others. I may never keep all the vows perfectly all the time, but as long as I never break them and purify and restore any that are “bent” I shall be progressing on this path. One day I will be able to take full monastic ordination as a bhikksu or gelong with all the couple of hundred precepts. My commitment is such that if I were offered such ordination tomorrow, I would do it without reservation just as I had no reservations when I took this ordination so few days ago.

As my name continues to be a reminder, our goal is enlightenment, not for ourselves alone but for all sentient beings. A tiny bit of Dharma has brought me this far in my “Journey Through Cancer.” Truly learning and living the Dharma can carry each of us so much farther!

The Unexpected Fulfillment of My Monastic Aspiration, part 3

The Spring Retreat is drawing to a close and so much in my life has changed in such a short time. I have received such profound and thoroughly practical teachings from both Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche and Drupon Thinley Ningpo Rinpoche as well as the very deep instruction from Khenpo Choepel. All of these not only advance my knowledge and understanding, but are going to have the effect of deepening my practice. Furthermore, their effects should extend far beyond the shrine out into the world of my daily life.

With these changes in my life I shall have to spend some time talking to my Lama at length. I need his guidance for everything from when to wear my chugou to what my role should be at our Dharma center since I am not qualified to teach. Nevertheless, I am firm in my commitment and am prepared to accept the challenges that I may possibly face. I have come to realize the wisdom of my name staying the same as my original Dharma name. Now, having been addressed as “Konchok Jangchup” for several days, I realize that I keep getting refocused on our goal “Jangchup,” “ Enlightenment.” While I am still a long way from that goal, it helps to be reminded repeatedly that we do seek Buddhahood for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Since the day that, with the aid of friends, I formally renounced my Eastern Orthodox monastic vows, I had been reevaluating the matter of sexuality versus celibacy. Nevertheless, it would seem that it is my karma to remain celibate, because, despite everything, even the opportunity for sex eluded me. At least this time I know that I am not fleeing a bad relationship, but instead I am following another course for a higher purpose. Just as I had recognized that fully accepting my own mortality and the impermanence that teaches us that we never know when the time of our death may come, causing me to realize that there was no better way to benefit all sentient beings than as a monk, I also saw that celibacy was not such a great sacrifice. Indeed, my age and medical conditions may remove the possibility of sexual activity soon anyway.

I feel that this Retreat, both from the profound teachings that I have received and from the interaction with other retreatants, has moved me from Kindergarten to Elementary School as a Tibetan Buddhist practitioner. However, it seemed quite clear that some of the lay practitioners were far beyond that level already. Nevertheless, my karma and life experience seem to be propelling me at an incredible pace as long as I am willing to accept spiritual training as it comes and not insist on controlling everything, fully recognizing that any such “ control” is merely an illusion. Although I never surfed or raced sailboats, life can be a little like those sports, because you are reading great natural forces and adjusting your course accordingly. Furthermore, just like those sports the more finely attuned your actions are to the forces involved, the faster and more exciting the ride. I cannot know precisely where it is leading me, but to the limited extent that I have control in my intent and aspirations, I am aiming toward enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings.

The Unexpected Fulfillment of My Monastic Aspiration, part

The day after my ordination, I find that I am again, at my age, learning how to dress myself. I approximated the way Lama G helped me put on my shantab, but I later found out that I didn't get it quite right. Also I am stuck wearing no socks because white and black are colors that I am not supposed to wear and I only brought white socks with me. This part of my new life as a Tibetan Buddhist monk is almost comical.

On the other hand, when I read the Opening Prayers before the teachings, I discovered a new intensity in my praying. Indeed there is a new force I am bringing to them from within me, the greater force of will arising out of my greater commitment to the path of enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. This is something that has grown over the course of my “Journey Through Cancer” from the diagnosis, through the radiation treatments, through the recovery from the radiation therapy. A tiny bit of Dharma carried this baby Buddhist through what could otherwise have been a nightmare, as it is sometimes for some people. The commitment of my vows just builds on this. Furthermore, the intense and concrete sense of my own mortality and the acute awareness of impermanence add even more motivation.

Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche often talks in his teachings about practicing the Dharma all the time. He isn't talking about sadhana practice in a Shrine Room or Temple, but rather taking our Dharma practice out into our everyday world. In addition, as he was leaving here for a couple of days, not knowing whether he would see me again before I leave for Florida, he gave me some parting words of advice as my Khenpo, my abbot. They covered a range from how to wear my robes to how to be of service by keeping my vows.

As I have gone through my second day after ordination, I find myself having difficulty accepting the honor accorded me as a monk, even the most junior of the monastics here. Nevertheless, I try to remember that I should receive it for the benefit of those who truly deserve it. Furthermore, there are matters of protocol which are now part of my life, at least of the sake of order. Indeed, henceforth my position in any group of monastics is not determined by anyone's “worthiness,” but rather by either being a fully ordained monk or novice monk and according to the date and time of one's ordination.

With regard to my not so new monastic name, the consensus among the retreatants who have been here during the weekdays is that whenever I don't use the whole name I should be known as Venerable Konchok Jangchup since there is already a Venerable Konchok Dorje. Since I have had several name changes for religious reasons already, I don't have a strong attachment to any particular one, although I did start to respond to “John,” when another retreatant was addressed today.

After the day's teachings, I had to go to the store for disposable razors, because shaving my head finished off those I had brought. Although some people have thought I might face some kind of harassment wearing my robes on the street, I have received only positive responses from people if they showed any interest at all. In fact, at one store a young Muslim woman told me that I was the first Buddhist monk she had ever met and that she had wanted to find somewhere to learn more about Buddhism. I gave her the address of the Tibetan Meditation Center since I did not have its telephone number. Just as my Lama has said, wearing the robes creates opportunities to share the Dharma. Of course, I am aware that I only know a little and only have a little of it in practice and thus can only share a little of it,

The Unexpected Fulfillment of My Monastic Aspiration, part 1

Last Thursday I had my interview with Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche. My chief questions for him pertained to my aspiration to be ordained as a monk. I asked him when it would be likely to occur and what I should do in the meantime. After we had talked a little while, he told me that it could be done before I went back to Florida. However, my robes were in my chest of drawers in Florida. Nevertheless, I asked and found that there was a bin of "hand-me-down" robes in which I was able to fine all but two minor items. These I was able to purchase quite reasonably from the business from which I had ordered the same items.
Thus in just a couple of days everything came together for me to be ordained so unexpectedly. However, still almost doubting that it would really happen, I hardly told anyone even my Lama. When I did speak of it, I would always preface my statement with "barring any unforeseen problem." Even on the day it was to happen, when other retreatants would ask about it being scheduled, I would say, "That's what I understand."
On the twenty-fifth day of the Fourth month of the Year of the Tiger (the Seventh of June 2010), at 3:45 p.m., I was ordained with the name Konchok Jangchup Dorje. This is a most auspicious day to be ordained into the Drikung Kagyu order, because we celebrated the anniversary of the parinirvana of the founder of the order, Lord Jigten Sumgon. At one point in the ritual I teared up, overwhelmed with joy of the moment.