The Unexpected Fulfillment of My Monastic Aspiration, part 3

The Spring Retreat is drawing to a close and so much in my life has changed in such a short time. I have received such profound and thoroughly practical teachings from both Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche and Drupon Thinley Ningpo Rinpoche as well as the very deep instruction from Khenpo Choepel. All of these not only advance my knowledge and understanding, but are going to have the effect of deepening my practice. Furthermore, their effects should extend far beyond the shrine out into the world of my daily life.

With these changes in my life I shall have to spend some time talking to my Lama at length. I need his guidance for everything from when to wear my chugou to what my role should be at our Dharma center since I am not qualified to teach. Nevertheless, I am firm in my commitment and am prepared to accept the challenges that I may possibly face. I have come to realize the wisdom of my name staying the same as my original Dharma name. Now, having been addressed as “Konchok Jangchup” for several days, I realize that I keep getting refocused on our goal “Jangchup,” “ Enlightenment.” While I am still a long way from that goal, it helps to be reminded repeatedly that we do seek Buddhahood for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Since the day that, with the aid of friends, I formally renounced my Eastern Orthodox monastic vows, I had been reevaluating the matter of sexuality versus celibacy. Nevertheless, it would seem that it is my karma to remain celibate, because, despite everything, even the opportunity for sex eluded me. At least this time I know that I am not fleeing a bad relationship, but instead I am following another course for a higher purpose. Just as I had recognized that fully accepting my own mortality and the impermanence that teaches us that we never know when the time of our death may come, causing me to realize that there was no better way to benefit all sentient beings than as a monk, I also saw that celibacy was not such a great sacrifice. Indeed, my age and medical conditions may remove the possibility of sexual activity soon anyway.

I feel that this Retreat, both from the profound teachings that I have received and from the interaction with other retreatants, has moved me from Kindergarten to Elementary School as a Tibetan Buddhist practitioner. However, it seemed quite clear that some of the lay practitioners were far beyond that level already. Nevertheless, my karma and life experience seem to be propelling me at an incredible pace as long as I am willing to accept spiritual training as it comes and not insist on controlling everything, fully recognizing that any such “ control” is merely an illusion. Although I never surfed or raced sailboats, life can be a little like those sports, because you are reading great natural forces and adjusting your course accordingly. Furthermore, just like those sports the more finely attuned your actions are to the forces involved, the faster and more exciting the ride. I cannot know precisely where it is leading me, but to the limited extent that I have control in my intent and aspirations, I am aiming toward enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings.