Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 39 – The Illusion of Plans and the Reality of Accomplishments and Realizations

The full moon coming Friday night a little before or after midnight, Saturday seemed a particularly auspicious day for a spiritual practice. Therefore, I had made my plan to make the pilgrimage to the replica shrines at Wat Florida Dhammaram. I had set for myself an ambitious practice of prostrations and circumambulations. However, I was not able to fulfill the plan that way. Between the exhaustion from the level of activity of the past few days and the fact that I am not as recovered from my cancer treatments as I like to think I am, I had to follow a more modest program. Nevertheless, I did more than I was able to do on my last pilgrimage visit.
Most curiously, in the replica shrine for the Parinibbana Temple of Kusinara India as I chanted a mala round for the benefit of the bees that had died or would yet die in my effort to get them from the tree into a hive two lizards came out and watched me. Furthermore, there was a family of sandhill cranes walking by as I circumambulated the shrine. As if that was not enough, as I went to the rest room before leaving, a squirrel came down a tree and chattered at me, thoroughly unafraid. It seemed as though all of these members of the animal realm understood intuitively what I was doing for the bees and why.
Before I left for this pilgrimage, I stopped by my sister's house to check on the bees. I found that they did not seem to be coming and going through our hive box. Instead, I found that they were able to enter and exit the tree through other holes in the top of the limb with space between the tree and the plywood. When I took the top off the box I did see a few bees inside, but not many. When we returned from the full moon ritual at CUUPS, I “suited up” in my long sleeve shirt and bee veil and used a hole saw to cut another hole for the bees to enter the box. I had intended to also block off the ability the bees to bypass the box. However, the bees were so disturbed that I had to postpone that part of the operation for another time and plan to use smoke to clear them away from the area. The good news was that there were many more bees in the box and whole lot rushed into the box through the new hole.
With regard to these two things, the plans did not come to fulfillment in reality. Nevertheless, the reality of what was accomplished was most satisfactory if unexpected. The pilgrimage was a very satisfying expression of my joy for my surviving cancer. At the same time, our bees are checking out the hive box and may soon start using it. Furthermore, this is turning out to be a continuing learning experience of the practical aspects of my “bee-centric” philosophy of beekeeping from a Buddhist perspective.
In quite a different direction, I have written of my history of trouble with sex and relationships. Indeed this was so bad that after a horrific marriage I fled into a Russian Orthodox monastery to avoid being hurt again. Celibacy seemed the perfectly logical choice to make under the circumstances, but it was not for any good spiritual reason,.rather more from fear than from faith.
I have felt drawn toward monasticism again since I came to Tibetan Buddhism, but I did not want to enter it in the same manner as I entered Russian Orthodox monasticism. Toward that end I sought to immerse myself in a succession of Beltaine festivals to bring forth the truth. As I've written previously, I had come to believe that it is not my Karma to have a married life especially considering that, even under ideal circumstances, I cannot live so many more years that being married would be superior to serving all sentient beings as a Buddhist monk.
My conclusion came as a result of my own review of my own history with regard to both sex and relationships. The part that caused me the most emotional pain was the fact that I never seemed to be attractive to women as a potential partner. Although I am strictly heterosexual in my interests, it has been particularly distressing that I seem to be of greater interest to gay men than to straight women. Growing up in a matriarchy, I have always been able to the see female point of view better than most men. Indeed I could easily see both the male and female perspective. Furthermore, being as good at sewing as at mechanical and electronic repairs certainly was not very macho.
The latest full moon ritual at CUUPS was yet another Beltaine celebration full of fertility symbolism and sexual references. This again brought up these kinds of issues. However, in the middle of the ritual I had the realization that it is not my Karma to deal with the duality of male-female relationships but rather to transcend them. I have memories from both lifetimes lived as men as well as lifetimes lived as women. Furthermore, being able to see both points of view so readily seems more rare than I would have expected. On the other hand, this would be most appropriate for one who was to go beyond the limitations of male-female duality. My finding my way back to the Tibetan Buddhist path, even though centuries may have passed, is a very positive Karmic result of actions in previous lifetimes. On that path to Enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings all dualities, not just this one, are to be transcended in perfect Buddhahood.