Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 42 – Aspirations, Commitments and Promises

Last night I attended the meditation class and Dharma talk at our Dharma Center, my first time to see our center president and resident monk since his ordination. It was so wonderful to see how much joy this has brought him. He is such an asset to the center and a treasure for all of us who are committed to the study and practice of the Dharma.
We discussed the fact that arrangements could have been made for me to attend the Spring Retreat and receive ordination the same time he was ordained. However, when Lama Sonam was here, we agreed that after my radiation treatments were finished and I had recovered from them and weather had warmed up in Boston, I should make the trip to spend time at the center there. Furthermore, Lama Gursam will be there for teachings and Medicine Buddha empowerment on the most auspicious day of Saga Dawa. As if that were not enough, our most beloved H.E. Garchen Rinpoche will be there for teachings and empowerments the next weekend after that.
While my aspiration and personal wish would be to be ordained as soon as possible, I feel that my promise, my commitment, to my root lama must come first at least this one time. Furthermore, there are few opportunities like that afforded by these teachers being in Boston when I can make the trip. I could not have made both the retreat and this trip. Therefore, I must set aside my own aspirations for the time being. However, the prospect of my 60th birthday this year makes it clear that I cannot wait too long. As I've recognized before now, it is a simple fact that I have fewer years ahead of me in this lifetime than I have behind me. We often speak of how rare “precious human life” is and I know that I cannot afford to waste it.
I am most fortunate to have the opportunities afforded by such a life. Moreover I am most blessed to have the teachers that I have, from the thousands of little teachers in the bee tree to the fully realized teacher, His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche. Furthermore, to have the guidance of Lama Konchok Sonam, whom I knew instantly that I could trust, is beyond price. Even the guidance of the newly ordained Venerable Konchok Gedun cannot be underestimated, because he, at his young age, has been on this Tibetan Buddhist path much longer in this lifetime than I have.
Right now, I have the commitments made in taking refuge and those of my Ngakkpa ordination to fulfill on a daily basis. While I know that I am not perfect in my fulfillment of these or of my daily practice overall, I can grow in this as I wait for my opportunity for monastic ordination. In the publication PREPARING FOR ORDINATION: Reflections for Westerners Considering Monastic Ordination in the Tibetan Buddhist Tradition, edited by Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron, Upasaka Guy Rom writes, “ I hope to be ordained when I am confident to keep the precepts purely in a peaceful, happy state of mind. Then being ordained will benefit my practice and that in turn will benefit many other people as well. In the meantime, I will try to live according to the precepts while wearing lay clothes and having long hair, and practice being a monastic before actually becoming one.”
This is wise advice for my present circumstances, because I still have to prepare for that big step. I cannot assume that my experience as an Orthodox Christian monk does much to prepare me for Tibetan Buddhist monasticism. There may be some similarities, but it seems that there are greater differences much as there is a difference between “rules” and “precepts” or “samayas.” However, I cannot afford to dwell on such things, but rather I must focus on enhancing my practice and furthering my study which are basic both to my present life as a layman and Ngakpa and to my eventual life as a monk.
I know that I have much work to do, because I continue to suffer the effects of the “three poisons,” ignorance, anger and attachment. Ignorance is perhaps the easiest with which to deal because study on all levels helps to eradicate it. With regard to anger I have made considerable progress over the years, but then there was so much room for improvement because of trouble with rage. Nevertheless, I still have much progress yet to make. However, attachments are probably the hardest to eliminate or even to recognize. I just made the statement last night that I find that when I seek to bend a spiritual rule, I am revealing an attachment. Indeed, almost everything that I do can reveal an attachment since I still have so many. Whether they are attachments to things, persons, concepts, reputation, position, status or any such thing, they are hard to uproot. Nevertheless, it is this work that must be done whether I am a layman or a monk. And yet I do believe that the precepts or vows of a monk help with this.
In all these considerations my aspirations and promises must serve my commitment to the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha, and that not just for myself alone, but rather for the benefit of all sentient beings. Isn't that precisely what I'm talking about when I pray, “In the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha most excellent, I take refuge until enlightenment is reached. By the merit of generosity and other good deeds, May I attain Buddhahood for the sake of all sentient beings.”