In the weeks and months since my radiation treatments, I have been recovering steadily with a few setbacks along the way. The tumor in the prostate has shrunk until it is undetectable. My PSA test value has gone steadily downward. In another week I'll see the radiation oncologist again for a follow-up appointment. At that point I'll find out the latest value for my PSA, but I have no doubt that it will continue the downward progression that we have been watching up until now.
With regard to the big issue, the cancer, I have been having the desired results. At the same time, the side effects, or rather after effects, of the radiation therapy have been improving. While the overwhelming fatigue has decreased and the urinary pain has diminished to almost nothing and the skin irritation has totally gone, not all of the effects are resolved. The symptoms of radiation colitis hit me unexpectedly later than the others. For months I was troubled by bowel symptoms as well as significant bleeding. It took two different attempts at cauterizing the lesions to really bring the bleeding to a stop. For that improvement I am deeply grateful, but I still want to find relief for the other symptoms.
Unfortunately the cauterizing has caused the tissues of the colon to be quite irritated which is slow to heal. As a result I am having a problem of bowel urgency. When I feel the need for a bowel movement, I have little time to delay. I have had a few “accidents” from not getting to the toilet fast enough. Furthermore, the least physical activity brings on the urge for a bowel movement. In addition, while I have had relief from the worst of the fatigue, I still do not have the stamina that I had before the treatments began.
Since this whole thing began, so many things inside and outside this house have been allowed to fall behind in routine maintenance. The interior has not been kept as clean and tidy as it should be. Some repairs have been let slide. During the rainy season the weeds have really gotten overgrown around the yard. The entrance to my back yard that I want to open on the north side of the house to replace the one on the south side has only been cleared of part of the old fence. The paving stones are still on the south side of the house and that opening has not been closed yet. The limbs that fell from my grapefruit tree in the front yard still have not been cleared, although I did manage to cut some of them already.
Besides these things, my truck still has not been repaired. However, I have been able to drive the van for my sister when she has needed it. Nevertheless the tasks that I want and need to do but cannot get done frustrate me. While I realize that I should be patient with myself and my progress, I still find it hard to accept the slow pace.
There have been some notable accomplishments which should be more satisfying, but I keep wanting more. I have fixed a couple of computers for friends, setting them up with the Linux operating system and showing them how to use it. I have even been able to repair this laptop that I use to write my blogs and do my school work. The display went completely black and I replaced the panel and the inverter circuit from another laptop of the same kind. I have even been able to prepare the presentations that my sister will give at a sustainable living conference later in the month.
While I realize that I could not do that much by the time the radiation treatments were finished, I also realize that these feelings are quite normal under the circumstances. In 1983, when I had a major motor vehicle accident, I had a long recovery period before I was declared “fit for full duty.” During that year I was often frustrated by the seemingly slow rate of progress, but I understand in retrospect how severe my injuries were and how near I came to dying. Even though this “ Journey Through Cancer” has not required anything as rigorous as the physical therapy of that year, it is, nevertheless, quite serious and has its own rigors.
I know that these events are unfolding as the fruit of the seeds of Karma planted in a previous lifetime. Through present difficulties a lot of negative karma is being cleansed and even turned into something positive to benefit myself and others. For that I am most grateful, because I can not only understand that Dharma is not just to be studied but to be lived, but I can also show this to others who may yet benefit from it.
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