Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 77 – Phowa, the Bardo, Monasticism and Me

From my childhood I have repeatedly faced the close approach of death. Nevertheless, each time I have come close to dying, I have survived. First I survived a congenital defect in my aorta and grew up to be an adult. Then during my first enlistment as a sailor I survived some sort of fall while drunk which fractured one single vertebra. Later in a subsequent enlistment I survived a motor vehicle accident with major injuries including a traumatic tear of the aorta. Most recently I have survived a moderately aggressive cancer of the prostate. However, as I pointed out to someone recently, one day I won't survive. It is for that reason that I sought training in the Drikung Kagyu Phowa practice.
I have had the opportunity to become aware of just how suddenly and unexpectedly death may overtake us. Furthermore, I understand that it stalks us from the moment we are born. Not one among us can avoid it. I intend to be prepared for it when it actually happens to me. This Phowa Retreat that I was fortunate enough to attend is precisely about starting those spiritual preparations. In Tibetan Buddhism we believe in the Buddhafields where the suffering of samsara does not exist and all are Buddhas or Bodhisattvas. In Phowa practice we seek to master the ability to gather our consciousness and project it through our “aperture of Brahman” at the time of our death in order to enter the Pure Land of Dewachen, there to begin our progression as Bodhisattvas.
Moreover, we also have the Bardo teachings which reveal to us the nature and stages of death in order that we not be overwhelmed with fear and confusion when we go through them. Furthermore, if we are equipped with sufficient meditative concentration by our training in meditation, we may be able to take advantage of certain stages of the process to attain enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. During the retreat, Venerable Traga Rinpoche made clear that we have so many opportunities for such enlightenment throughout our lifetimes and even in our deaths, but we must work diligently to prepare ourselves for them.
From all these life experiences I have become aware that we can never count on being around for the things that we plan. Furthermore, there is nothing of our lives which we take with us into death except the results of our spiritual practice. All the “stuff” that we diligently strive to accumulate during our lives will be left behind and benefit us not at all when death comes. In fact, our very attachment to the “stuff” and its acquisition may be a great hindrance at that time. Indeed, it is not only the source of so much suffering during our lives but also a cause of our samsaric rebirth. Furthermore, even if I should live to be 80 before I die, three-quarters of my life would be behind me right now and only one-quarter ahead on which I cannot depend. With such considerations in mind one may well ask, “How may I best use the time that remains to me?” For me the answer is to spend it as a monk in service of the Dharma and in service to all sentient beings.
Over the course of my recovery from the radiation therapy which treated the cancer I have had to deal with certain aftereffects of that therapy, most significant of which were fatigue and radiation colitis. That overwhelming fatigue is gone and has been for some time now. I am still building up my stamina to undertake normal activities that I had pursued before treatment. However, the radiation colitis has been the most persistent aftereffect and the most annoying and limiting with its accompanying bleeding. The doctors scheduled several “arc welding” sessions to cauterize the lesions. Even these had their own aftereffects because the cauterized tissue is irritated and results in increased bowel urgency. However, that passes after a few days.
As I write this I am in the middle of the colon prep for another “arc welding” session. However, this time I have reason to hope that it will only be a follow-up look around and won't actually involve any cauterizing. Since I do not have any bleeding or other symptom, it is quite reasonable to hope that even this problem is past. That would mean that I could follow some simple exercise regime like bicycling and get my weight loss program back on track. Furthermore, I can get back to the process of putting this house in order and getting rid of more “stuff.” I want the house to resemble a monastery more than a junk heap. Although it may be impractical to get down to just the few possessions prescribed for a Buddhist monk when a home must be maintained, I know that I can live quite satisfactorily with a lot less “stuff.” In fact, it seems that the less “stuff” I have the better my quality of life. Of course, what we consider to be very little would be considered great wealth in most of the rest of the world.
I aspire to be ordained as soon as that may be, hoping that it may at least be this year. Indeed, I hope that it may be at Spring Retreat in a couple of months, but I have as yet heard nothing about any ordinations planned for then, much less about my own. In the meantime, I shall follow the advice of Lama Thubten Yeshe and Lama Thubten Zopa Rinpoche and even a laywoman and strive to live as though I were a monk already except not wearing a monk's robes. However, in accordance with what my Lama has said, I will wear my Ngakpa robes whenever that may be appropriate. While I doubt that I can live fully in accordance with the letter of the Vinaya, I can seek to live in accordance with its spirit.
Also I now should follow up contacts that I made with the chaplains at two local hospitals and a hospice and make contact with those at another hospital and another hospice. The role that I can see for myself in this regard is to be the first point of contact when Buddhist clergy are needed to meet the spiritual needs of their patients. Since I know most of the Buddhist groups in the area, I can probably find suitable clergy to serve them. I could possibly even provide transportation to monks who don't drive.
As far as my ordination is concerned, I shall continue to make my preparations, ready to go wherever I may need to go to with very little notice. Nevertheless, I shall continue to plan for the Spring Retreat at TMC Maryland. It should be good for me whether I were ordained then or not. While the Phowa Retreat was oriented toward a specific training, I can see that it has had more general good effects on my spiritual practice.
In all this as in everything else on this Buddhist path, I am in it for the “long haul,” and not for myself alone. My focus needs to continue to be, “How can I be of greatest service to all sentient beings?” When someone recently commented on the work I was doing for the Dharma, I responded, “I am not a cause, but an effect,” recalling that all that I am and all that I am capable of doing is the result of all that I have been taught by others. If there is any good that I may do or anything worthwhile that I may accomplish, it is to the credit of all those who have been the causes of the effect that I am.

Preparing for Ordination – Attachment, Aversion, and Equanimity

I wrote this back in November but never posted it to my blog.

This evening I went to the grocery store. Although I had only run out of one essential item, I decided that I should make it a regular shopping trip, getting the usual things that I keep on hand. In so doing, I made an interesting discovery: my attitude toward food has changed. It was not so firmly rooted in the attachment/aversion type of feelings that it had been, but rather it was closer to equanimity in approaching the choices on a more utilitarian basis. Nevertheless, I cannot claim to have attained perfect equanimity.

The chocolate cake that I bought, in spite of being sugar-free, is not truly utilitarian but rather pleasurable. However, even though a food may be pleasurable, it does not automatically represent attachment unless that is the primary or only reason for getting it or eating it. Nevertheless, despite this particular lapse, the rest of my choices seemed more practical than usual. However, this is more a matter of progress rather than perfection. I have a long way to go to truly attain equanimity.

Perhaps the strangest thing about this experience is that it seems that it may be a result of the weeks of poverty that I recently experienced. During that time I went to the food banks and gratefully accepted whatever I received, having no choice in what it was. Indeed the only choice that I exercised was to trade any meat items to my sister for a vegetarian alternative. I am most grateful that I retained at least this spiritual outcome from the whole experience. However, I am sure that I shall see other benefits that I derived from it as well.

Now more than four months later I am adding to it and finishing it.

Most of my Vajra brothers and sisters around home are vegetarian as I have been now for several years. When I took refuge and started trying to keep the five refuge precepts or samayas, I tried to observe the first one, “I will (try) to refrain from harming living creatures (killing),” by stopping eating meat of any kind. This wasn't such a big step because I have probably spent half my life as a vegetarian as well as the years that I was a “fishetarian”as a n Eastern Orthodox monk Nevertheless, not all Tibetan Buddhists are, because the Tibetan Plateau is a poor place to grow the kind of vegetables required to maintain that kind of diet. The only previous breaks in my vegetarianism since I took refuge have been occasions that one lady at the Chinese take-out restaurant has given me extra things when I was ordering close to closing.

At the Phowa Retreat it turns out that many of the members of this Sangha are not vegetarians. I have little choice but to eat meat when it is offered to me. I feel it would be a greater wrong for me to offend the hospitality of my brothers and sisters. Furthermore, the samayas that guide me as a Ngakpa bear on this in that I am to maintain a view “ which transcends the pure-impure dichotomy.” I can always chant the Amitabha mantra for a good rebirth for the animals who gave their lives for our food. This is the time to practice not having aversion, but rather equanimity!

This situation was relieved by another retreatant requesting vegetarian alternatives. At this point it is now an option allowing me to choose to continue being a vegetarian. For me the point is that no sentient being should die to provide my meal. Of course, this can never be perfectly practiced, because insects may be inadvertently or intentionally killed by the farmers. Nevertheless, I can maintain that intention as I seek to benefit all sentient beings.

I must remember that if I were to become a Theravadan monk in a traditionally Buddhist country like Thailand, I would be totally dependent on “alms rounds” for my food. I would exercise no choice over what I ate or even how much I had. While my circumstances may be different in America as a Tibetan Buddhist monk, I should still apply the spirituals principle that it represents: avoiding attachment and aversion and practicing equanimity!

Phowa Retreat

Retreat: T Minus Two Days

Having arrived in Gainesville for this very special retreat, I find a Sangha laboring with their utmost effort to make everything right for the occasion. Of course, things sometimes go wrong despite our best efforts. I seemed to have had some miscommunication about where I was to be, but thanks to help from a friend I could pay for a taxi to get me where I needed to go. I was then put to work productively helping a member do some of the shopping for the retreat.

On the other hand, it seems that the fact that I couldn't finish replacing the old wiring in part of my sister's house has resulted in the old problems still showing up. However, since there is nothing that I can do from this distance, I can only hope that things will work well enough that I can fix the rest when I get back home. Running out of wire left too much of the old wiring in place in that part of the house. What I have to do right now is to focus on where I am and what I am supposed to be doing here and now.

At this moment I can do nothing about things in other places and at other times. Right now I need to get the rest that I haven't been getting this week in order to tackle the list of tasks that are needed tomorrow before Rinpoche gives his public talk. The list isn't really all that long nor are the tasks that difficult, but they are nevertheless part of the necessary preparations.

Retreat: T Minus One Day

This morning I woke earlier than I usually do which was quite a surprise considering how tired I was yesterday. In preparing for the trip I had pulled an “all-nighter” to get packed and really didn't sleep on the bus. It was amazingly quiet here for a building in a business area of the city, but the noise has increased over the course of the morning.

I managed to do all my assigned tasks in a relatively short time and was able to spend a little time in quiet meditation. Some of the Sangha members will be arriving soon and we'll get busy setting things up here for tonight's public talk. Of course we will be making sure we have everything ready for the actual retreat which starts tomorrow. Once the retreat begins, there will be little time to do anything extra.

As with anything of this sort some things have to go wrong. At least for this event none of them have been of any real significance. When Rinpoche actually arrived, I was sitting on the floor taping down an extension cord for the coffee pot for hot water, trying to prevent an accident from someone tripping over the cord. I had to scramble upstairs for the beginning of the talk and had no time to put on my Ngakpa robes. I felt embarrassed which was, of course, only within me, because it did not matter to Rinpoche.

However, we had the problem that there was too little light in the “Shrine Room,” particularly because the ceiling is painted gold and there were only a couple of portable flood lights. Fortunately a co-owner of the building was able to bring lamps out of his office creating a more “homey” environment. This seemed to bring the participants closer which was especially good since there were few if any persons attending this talk who were not going to take part in the retreat.

Retreat: Day One

There were only two of us staying at the Center, being officially “Temple Guards” or “meditating all night.” While we might not have been inclined to meditate all night last night, we might not be far from that tonight having been inspired by Traga Rinpoche's teaching today. There are so many things that I understand better today than I have understood before. Subjects that were clarified ranged from the nature of the Pure Land of Dewachen to more about the relationship of Shravaka's, Pratekya-Buddhas, and Solitary-Realizers to Bodhisattvas.

Venerable Traga Rinpoche has such great patience with all of our questions. Realistically there are things that we don't know that a preschool-age Tibetan child would already understand. Nevertheless, he answered them even when they were almost redundant. Moreover, his answers were so clear and his sense of humor never-failing. It is so clear that he wants nothing so much as for us to fully understand this practice and to perfect it.

While Phowa practice has similarity to other Vajrayana practices, it is quite different from those I have previously learned. I had not encountered any which involved the “channels, winds, and drops” which constitute the elements of Tibetan Buddhist spiritual “physiology.” While these may be considered to be within the physical body, they are not truly part of it in the manner that the esophagus or trachea are. In fact, there is a distinction made between the “coarse body” and the “ subtle body.” Nevertheless, they are important parts of what makes up a human being even if we are unaware of them and practice little control of them. Fortunately this does not require extensive training about this whole field of study and training, but rather its simplest elements.

Interestingly, we are instructed to do Phowa practice daily once we have begun it until we have the “ signs of attainment.” After that we should to do it daily for the rest of our lives. In other words we are to do it daily from now on. That is something that I already want anyway, because, as I told one of the members of this Sangha, in my life I keep surviving things, but one day I won't. At that point I want to be able to remember this training and put it into practice. Furthermore, as I progress in this practice and delve further into the process of death and rebirth as Tibetan Buddhists understand it, I shall become more able to benefit others especially at the time of their death.

On a more mundane note, these stairs have been getting to my knees, making my sitting cross-legged more difficult. It reminds me a little of last June in Boston with my room then being on the third floor, although this time the shrine room is on the third floor. Today I had to get some arnica gel as an additional treatment for my arthritic knees to aid my prescription meds. Nevertheless, this evening I took a longer walk than I have taken since before my cancer diagnosis. It was so strange to walk 16 blocks in one direction without recognizing anything but the Masonic Lodge and one funeral home! The next walk should be in a different direction. I'll save my visit to the University of Florida campus for the daytime, but I doubt that I'll recognize all that much. Definitely an example of impermanence!!

Retreat: Day Two

Today's training was more a matter of having our myriad questions answered. We have so many, but Rinpoche has patience for them all even if some have made him laugh. One aspect of this practice that is common to most Vajrayana practices is that a level of devotion and persistence is required to gain any benefit. However, this one requires that the practitioner continues practicing long enough and frequently enough that not only are the signs of accomplishment present but also the complete practice will be remembered at the time of death. However, there are benefits from Phowa in addition to those for the time of death.

I can see that the complexity and difficulty of the visualization are bound to improve one's ability visualize other deities for other practices. This is a much more difficult visualization than that required for Medicine Buddha practice. While I would not say that I have perfected that practice, this is going to take even more practice. Nevertheless, my life experiences are highly motivating to keep me doing Phowa the rest of my life.

Retreat: Day Three

Now we are getting into the practice more than on previous days. While there are still some questions, we are spending more time in the actual Phowa practice. The repetition of the practice is what we need if we are to be able to remember it when we need it at the time of our death.

Since I am not staying in a residence, I have not been able to shower, just doing a “sponge bath” instead. Today one of the practitioners took me home for a shower, such a delight. She even volunteered to do my laundry for me and bring it to me the next day. Everyone is so kind to try to take care of me.

Retreat: Day Four

Today we again spent most of the time with Rinpoche in actual practice.

I think that I may actually be learning some of the melodies. I have recorded certain parts on my little MP3 player to help me learn them, but the sheer repetition of them in our practice may be having the greatest effect. It may also be that Rinpoche's encouragement and our powerful motivation are also helping us. At the very least we fully comprehend from our life experiences the importance of what we are learning.

I can't wash my Ngakpa robes because the maroon bleeds onto the white. Therefore I conceive of doing an “ herbal dry cleaning.” At lunch time I got the herbs I need. I found out that there is a laundromat just past where I walked three days ago, deciding that I should walk there after supper. Everyone seems concerned that such a walk would be too much for me. One lady insists on giving me a ride there. The process turns out pretty well, but I could have used more of the herbs. I wound up having a very pleasant walk back to the retreat site.

In spite of the effects of the walk and the level of activity that I have been maintaining, I wind up having difficulty settling down to get sleep. I have a level of inner agitation. I am not sure whether it is an effect of the environment in this part of town, but I am inclined to think that it is a temporary side effect of the Phowa training. It is an energetic practice involving “subtle energies” albeit on a very simple basis. Nevertheless, a little herb tea and time spent walking around spinning my prayer wheel do get me settled enough to sleep. All the use of my prayer wheel lately has resulted in a thread holding the chain together (after a previous repair) breaking, but I fixed it again with thread from my travel sewing kit.

Retreat: Day Five

More practice, more practice, more practice, more practice. This is the key. Nevertheless, Rinpoche answers our questions with extreme patience.

It is obvious that he is not feeling well. He declined invitations to be taken to restaurants for some of his favorite foods. While I don't know how serious his condition may be, he is very definitely not feeling very well.

I have been having a lot of trouble with my knees, sitting cross-legged for such long periods and climbing these stairs so many times each day. There is also a particular spot on my left knee that causes excruciating pain when I kneel on it or hit it when I do prostrations. I have begun to do the practice sitting in a chair. I should be ashamed that I let a little pain interfere with practicing while Rinpoche pushes himself to teach us when he is so obviously not well. If he feels that it is that important to teach us Phowa, how can we not place an equal importance on doing it diligently.

Tonight I again have trouble settling down. Indeed it seems there is likely to be difficulty getting sleep from other causes. My knees are giving my even more trouble. There are so many party-goers out for St. Patrick's Day and there is a crew laying fiber optic cable just outside the building. With all these things interfering with sleep, I decide at 4:00 AM that it is too late to sleep and reliably get up in time to get things ready for Retreat participants. With all that time on my hands I do get in some extra sessions of Phowa practice overnight.

My prayer wheel again breaks. The little bit of thread was not satisfactory to fix it. Furthermore, the little links of the chain start to come apart as I try to use a staple as a replacement link. I finally just removed them hoping that I can get a little twine to tie the weight on as a temporary repair.

Retreat: Day Six

Today, after a very few questions we spent the morning practicing Phowa, but it was evident that Rinpoche was not well. His voice was not as strong at times and he would have severe attacks of coughing. We finished a little early and his appetite did not seem to be at all good.

We had a Tsok offering ceremony for the afternoon. This did seem to lift Rinpoche's spirits with him leading much of the chanting. He also very obviously did not want to trim anything out of the ceremony although we were seriously concerned that he might overtax himself.

At the end of things, my prayer wheel wound up looking rather like Rinpoche's with the weight tied on with a cord. I was most blessed that the dakinis provided me with the string for my repair. Unknown to me, a banner had lost one of its long tassels. A single strand of it was laying right in the doorway as I went through. Wrapped and tied multiple times, it now holds the weight onto my prayer wheel. It went from one holy use to another.

Retreat Plus One Day

The retreat is over and we all wish it had not ended. However, every one of us who understands how seriously ill Rinpoche is accepts it and treasures the teaching all the more, because we know that he really should have stopped sooner. Nevertheless, he could not be persuaded any sooner.

Now we have to take everything down at the downtown location and bring it back to the regular Center. We also have to clean up after ourselves. We got most of the things out, but still need to clean. After that we have a crew with a full-size pickup truck and strong arms to do the heavy lifting.

Besides the actual teaching we received and the training in the Phowa practice there is so much more that we gained. I have even arranged for my ride from the bus station for Spring Retreat at TMC Frederick, Maryland, two months from now.

Retreat Plus Two Days

On this final full day of my stay here, I cleaned the space where we held the retreat. The “Shrine Room” and the kitchen needed to be swept, vacuumed and mopped. The total floor space in the “Shrine Room” is more than the total floor space of my house. In addition I have to do the same for a hallway and the stairs. While it is satisfying to make a positive contribution to the event, this taxed me to the limit, but I completed it successfully. Nevertheless, I am quite sore and tired from it.

I catch my bus for home tomorrow. As it turns out I didn't do any more walks in other directions or visit the University of Florida campus. However, such things are really not that important. What is truly important is that I had very significant spiritual training. Furthermore, I have received more encouragement for my aspiration to be ordained a monk in addition to seeing a good example of what a good monk should be.

I shall be returning home tired but bearing a great spiritual treasure. My next retreat is not that long from now, but I can hardly wait especially since I may be ordained then!

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 76 – Meeting the Buddha

Saturday, my sister, a friend, and I went to the Vietnamese Buddhist temple, Pháp Viện Minh Đăng Quang, in Tampa to welcome the Jade Buddha of Universal Peace to our area. This most beautiful statue was carved by Thai craftsmen from a huge boulder of jade found in Canada. Its eventual home will be in a stupa in Australia. Not coincidentally, this enterprise of turning the boulder into such a powerful image with a message of peace was encouraged by Lama Zopa Rinpoche.

Quoting from the invitation to the ceremonies:
“The Jade Buddha for Universal Peace is the largest Buddha carved from gemstone quality jade in the world. The Jade Buddha stands nearly 9 feet tall and is beyond value. Its size and beauty make it a wonder of the world. The Buddha inside the Mahabodhi Stupa in Bodh Gaya (India) is the model for the Great Jade Buddha. This Buddha was chosen because it is universally recognized by all Buddhists. Famous artisans from Thailand carved the Buddha from a rare boulder of translucent Jade (“Polar Pride”) which was discovered in Northern Canada in 2000.
“Veneration of the Jade Buddha will include recitation of the Buddha’s Ten Thousand Names for Repentance and Reform. We will devote our merits to World Peace and Happiness for All Sentient Beings.”
This community, the Vietnamese Buddhists of Tampa Bay, are a very devout and generous group of people who exemplify Lord Buddha's teachings in practice. A good friend, who has studied more of Buddhism overall than I have, explained that the Buddhism of Viet Nam is truly non-sectarian although generally called Mahayana. I personally experienced their welcoming and accepting character in their acceptance of me as a Ngakpa in my robes. In fact they made all of us welcome. In this setting, where, as another friend stated it, we were in the minority, beyond the language differences I felt so comfortably at home.
On the day before, when we had gone to the temple mistakenly on the wrong day due to a typographical error in a notice, I went into the temple and venerated their main Buddha statue and spent a few minutes in meditation. One of the ladies, sought so fervently to encourage us to come back on the correct day. The welcome felt so genuine especially because I recognized the lady from those who had come to the Maitreya Project Relic Tour. In fact, on Saturday, I recognized so many more faces from that weekend.
On this occasion we saw the results of all the work that had been under way on Friday. Beautiful decorations had been completed. Flowers were everywhere. So many people were dressed in traditional costume as well as festive attire. Everything about the setting and the level of excitement of everyone clearly spoke of expectation of the imminent arrival of a most famous dignitary.
On this Saturday morning I felt my first obligation to again go into their temple to again venerate their Buddha and meditate. However, just as I got to the steps, the relics were being brought out, giving me the opportunity to venerate them which turned out to be the only such opportunity on this day. As we went to find a seat while we could, we found a friend we knew from a very different setting who had also unexpectedly been a few seats away from us when we went to see the Dalai Lama give a public talk in Davie, Florida.
This event began with a procession of the monastics with the highest honor being given to the head abbot of the International Sangha Bhiksu Buddhist Association and including among them the abbots and abbesses of several monastic communities. The presence of the Jade Buddha in our local area being such a great privilege, several local dignitaries were also present including local politicians. We were most fortunate that they were considerate enough to keep their speeches brief.
For me there were three high points in the ceremony. First was the release of doves, several of whom seemed most reluctant to leave the presence of the Jade Buddha either landing on it or nearby, generally staying very close to it for a considerable time. Next was the participation of the children which included a “dragon” and fireworks. Finally, there were the actually prayers for peace chanted by the monastics led by the senior abbot. I could not tell whether these were being chanted in Pali or in Vietnamese, but some of them were obviously very familiar to the Vietnamese people present as they joined in the chanting. Overall they were dramatic and very moving in spite of my not understanding the actual words. The energy of them was palpable.
My personal high point of the day was the opportunity to venerate the Jade Buddha myself. I was able to make prostrations before it and circumambulate it. However, I must admit that at that point I was becoming physically tired. The previous day I had thought that we could go from this ceremony to “Change Your Mind Day,” but I had decided that it would most likely be too much for one day. I now realize that I had been right to change my plans to just visit some thrift stores on my way home in search of a power unit for the laptop that I had been given to recycle and to find a couple of long sleeve white knit shirts.
Although I am steadily gaining strength, I still wind up pushing the limits of what I can do. Perhaps this is the only way that we can find out that the processes of healing have extended those limits. This isn't really a situation of “overcoming obstacles,” because my efforts had minimal impact on these changes. Instead, the most that I could contribute toward all of this was to create the best environment for healing to take places whether by availing myself of alternative healing modalities like Reiki or striving to maintain the right spiritual conditions for healing. I am most grateful that, between my karma, my efforts to facilitate my healing and the benefits of both alternative and conventional healing modalities, I am not only overcoming the cancer but also recovering from the treatments.
I was also able to get to the Dharma Center on Sunday afternoon, getting back to the normal and everyday things of my life. It was so good to be with my Vajra brothers and to share with them the experience of seeing and venerating the Jade Buddha! I could also share with them my excitement at having the opportunity to attend the Phowa Retreat in Gainesville and discuss some of my efforts to support the center with my crafts, skills and talents. In all this, the most important thing is that I seek to be of benefit to all sentient beings.. Every endeavor, every struggle, every effort has its true value in that!

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 75 part 2 – continuing My Two Ages

I recently pointed out or rather pointed toward this story for someone's edification about her situation:
“Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen.
“Nan-in served Tea. He poured his visitor's cup full, and then kept on pouring.
“The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. 'It is overfull. No more will go in!'
"'Like this cup,' Nan-in said, 'you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?'". (from: http://www.angelfire.com/moon/vmsivakumar/Awwzen.htm)
While the lady's situation was of a mundane nature, involving computer problems, she had nevertheless received wise counsel which she chose to ignore deeming her own knowledge superior to that of the experienced computer technician. Just like her and the professor in the story, we may be too full of our own opinions to receive wise counsel. How great a fool I would be to believe that I know more than my Lama!
When I regard my sister's and my own willingness to continue learning new things, I realize that it is of limited value if we merely accumulate knowledge but fail to develop wisdom. Nevertheless, that is just what our culture teaches us to do. Age is not respected and wisdom is not valued. Instead youth is glorified and great efforts and sums of money are spent on trying to preserve it. Furthermore, we are bombarded with messages that acquiring this or that thing will satisfy our deepest needs, while we are kept forever seeking some new thing never being satisfied. If we should gain wisdom, how could we be so easily manipulated?
I just cannot give myself over to the cultural forces which are so contrary to our good. In my own life I have seen that no joy comes from wealth and acquisitiveness. On the contrary I have found that some of my most joyful times have been when I had little or nothing materially, but had the company of family and good friends. Some of my most memorable Christmases as a child were those for which little money was spent and few gifts were exchanged. However, each of the gifts was chosen with great care to be the most suited to the recipient. Isn't this an example of the lesson of Buddhism that true joy comes from seeking the joy of others rather than of ourselves?
How hard it is to free ourselves from the influences that have governed us and our culture so long!! In the 20 centuries since Jesus taught loving-kindness and compassion have any of the “Christian nations” demonstrated such virtues? I know of no examples, but that could merely be my ignorance. However, often they have been demonstrated in traditionally Buddhist countries in spite of the competing forces of hatred and violence. In contrast, even now the “Christian right” supports America's wars overseas.
Likewise the great wealth of America and other Western nations does not seem to increase everyone's happiness or make them more courteous or hospitable. On the other hand, I have been told often of travelers in India finding great joy and boundless generosity among the poorest residents. This is not at all strange to me in the light of my own life experience, because I grew up poor but happy and was taught generosity and hospitality as duties. I was taught that as long as we shared the little that we had with those who had less we would never lack. We were not promised wealth but that we would have enough for our needs. We always did.
As I have gained strength in my recovery, I am again finding that I can be of service to others. I have begun to make preparations for attending a Phowa retreat in Gainesville. In this I am seeking to learn another way to be of service. Indeed in the opportunity of this retreat I have sought a “work-study” position to be part of making it happen for others. Last June when I also had a “work-study” position for His Eminence Garchen Rinpoche's teachings in Boston, I found great joy in working for Rinpoche and serving others.
At his moment I am unsure whether I shall have the “work-study” position for the Phowa retreat. Nevertheless, I intend to go and trust that even without that opportunity I shall have my needs met for this month and learn what I need in the retreat. If I were becoming a Theravadan monk in a country like Thailand, I would depend for my sustenance on the generosity of the local population to feed me on a daily basis. No matter how much I may depend on the regularity of my monthly pension check, I still have to have the same confidence and non-attachment that the daily alms rounds teach. Furthermore, “dana” has both giver and a receiver and without the receiver the giver cannot give. My own pride has often made it hard for me to receive the beneficence of others to meet my needs.
The great wisdom that needs to be remembered is that all this is not about me and my needs, but rather about being of service to others. It does not matter whether that service is doing things for others myself or in giving others the opportunity to gain merit by sponsoring my efforts. It is in just such a way that my becoming a monk can benefit all sentient beings although I am most unlikely to ever be a Lama or much of a teacher of any kind starting at such an age as I am. Nevertheless, I can still serve!