Phowa Retreat

Retreat: T Minus Two Days

Having arrived in Gainesville for this very special retreat, I find a Sangha laboring with their utmost effort to make everything right for the occasion. Of course, things sometimes go wrong despite our best efforts. I seemed to have had some miscommunication about where I was to be, but thanks to help from a friend I could pay for a taxi to get me where I needed to go. I was then put to work productively helping a member do some of the shopping for the retreat.

On the other hand, it seems that the fact that I couldn't finish replacing the old wiring in part of my sister's house has resulted in the old problems still showing up. However, since there is nothing that I can do from this distance, I can only hope that things will work well enough that I can fix the rest when I get back home. Running out of wire left too much of the old wiring in place in that part of the house. What I have to do right now is to focus on where I am and what I am supposed to be doing here and now.

At this moment I can do nothing about things in other places and at other times. Right now I need to get the rest that I haven't been getting this week in order to tackle the list of tasks that are needed tomorrow before Rinpoche gives his public talk. The list isn't really all that long nor are the tasks that difficult, but they are nevertheless part of the necessary preparations.

Retreat: T Minus One Day

This morning I woke earlier than I usually do which was quite a surprise considering how tired I was yesterday. In preparing for the trip I had pulled an “all-nighter” to get packed and really didn't sleep on the bus. It was amazingly quiet here for a building in a business area of the city, but the noise has increased over the course of the morning.

I managed to do all my assigned tasks in a relatively short time and was able to spend a little time in quiet meditation. Some of the Sangha members will be arriving soon and we'll get busy setting things up here for tonight's public talk. Of course we will be making sure we have everything ready for the actual retreat which starts tomorrow. Once the retreat begins, there will be little time to do anything extra.

As with anything of this sort some things have to go wrong. At least for this event none of them have been of any real significance. When Rinpoche actually arrived, I was sitting on the floor taping down an extension cord for the coffee pot for hot water, trying to prevent an accident from someone tripping over the cord. I had to scramble upstairs for the beginning of the talk and had no time to put on my Ngakpa robes. I felt embarrassed which was, of course, only within me, because it did not matter to Rinpoche.

However, we had the problem that there was too little light in the “Shrine Room,” particularly because the ceiling is painted gold and there were only a couple of portable flood lights. Fortunately a co-owner of the building was able to bring lamps out of his office creating a more “homey” environment. This seemed to bring the participants closer which was especially good since there were few if any persons attending this talk who were not going to take part in the retreat.

Retreat: Day One

There were only two of us staying at the Center, being officially “Temple Guards” or “meditating all night.” While we might not have been inclined to meditate all night last night, we might not be far from that tonight having been inspired by Traga Rinpoche's teaching today. There are so many things that I understand better today than I have understood before. Subjects that were clarified ranged from the nature of the Pure Land of Dewachen to more about the relationship of Shravaka's, Pratekya-Buddhas, and Solitary-Realizers to Bodhisattvas.

Venerable Traga Rinpoche has such great patience with all of our questions. Realistically there are things that we don't know that a preschool-age Tibetan child would already understand. Nevertheless, he answered them even when they were almost redundant. Moreover, his answers were so clear and his sense of humor never-failing. It is so clear that he wants nothing so much as for us to fully understand this practice and to perfect it.

While Phowa practice has similarity to other Vajrayana practices, it is quite different from those I have previously learned. I had not encountered any which involved the “channels, winds, and drops” which constitute the elements of Tibetan Buddhist spiritual “physiology.” While these may be considered to be within the physical body, they are not truly part of it in the manner that the esophagus or trachea are. In fact, there is a distinction made between the “coarse body” and the “ subtle body.” Nevertheless, they are important parts of what makes up a human being even if we are unaware of them and practice little control of them. Fortunately this does not require extensive training about this whole field of study and training, but rather its simplest elements.

Interestingly, we are instructed to do Phowa practice daily once we have begun it until we have the “ signs of attainment.” After that we should to do it daily for the rest of our lives. In other words we are to do it daily from now on. That is something that I already want anyway, because, as I told one of the members of this Sangha, in my life I keep surviving things, but one day I won't. At that point I want to be able to remember this training and put it into practice. Furthermore, as I progress in this practice and delve further into the process of death and rebirth as Tibetan Buddhists understand it, I shall become more able to benefit others especially at the time of their death.

On a more mundane note, these stairs have been getting to my knees, making my sitting cross-legged more difficult. It reminds me a little of last June in Boston with my room then being on the third floor, although this time the shrine room is on the third floor. Today I had to get some arnica gel as an additional treatment for my arthritic knees to aid my prescription meds. Nevertheless, this evening I took a longer walk than I have taken since before my cancer diagnosis. It was so strange to walk 16 blocks in one direction without recognizing anything but the Masonic Lodge and one funeral home! The next walk should be in a different direction. I'll save my visit to the University of Florida campus for the daytime, but I doubt that I'll recognize all that much. Definitely an example of impermanence!!

Retreat: Day Two

Today's training was more a matter of having our myriad questions answered. We have so many, but Rinpoche has patience for them all even if some have made him laugh. One aspect of this practice that is common to most Vajrayana practices is that a level of devotion and persistence is required to gain any benefit. However, this one requires that the practitioner continues practicing long enough and frequently enough that not only are the signs of accomplishment present but also the complete practice will be remembered at the time of death. However, there are benefits from Phowa in addition to those for the time of death.

I can see that the complexity and difficulty of the visualization are bound to improve one's ability visualize other deities for other practices. This is a much more difficult visualization than that required for Medicine Buddha practice. While I would not say that I have perfected that practice, this is going to take even more practice. Nevertheless, my life experiences are highly motivating to keep me doing Phowa the rest of my life.

Retreat: Day Three

Now we are getting into the practice more than on previous days. While there are still some questions, we are spending more time in the actual Phowa practice. The repetition of the practice is what we need if we are to be able to remember it when we need it at the time of our death.

Since I am not staying in a residence, I have not been able to shower, just doing a “sponge bath” instead. Today one of the practitioners took me home for a shower, such a delight. She even volunteered to do my laundry for me and bring it to me the next day. Everyone is so kind to try to take care of me.

Retreat: Day Four

Today we again spent most of the time with Rinpoche in actual practice.

I think that I may actually be learning some of the melodies. I have recorded certain parts on my little MP3 player to help me learn them, but the sheer repetition of them in our practice may be having the greatest effect. It may also be that Rinpoche's encouragement and our powerful motivation are also helping us. At the very least we fully comprehend from our life experiences the importance of what we are learning.

I can't wash my Ngakpa robes because the maroon bleeds onto the white. Therefore I conceive of doing an “ herbal dry cleaning.” At lunch time I got the herbs I need. I found out that there is a laundromat just past where I walked three days ago, deciding that I should walk there after supper. Everyone seems concerned that such a walk would be too much for me. One lady insists on giving me a ride there. The process turns out pretty well, but I could have used more of the herbs. I wound up having a very pleasant walk back to the retreat site.

In spite of the effects of the walk and the level of activity that I have been maintaining, I wind up having difficulty settling down to get sleep. I have a level of inner agitation. I am not sure whether it is an effect of the environment in this part of town, but I am inclined to think that it is a temporary side effect of the Phowa training. It is an energetic practice involving “subtle energies” albeit on a very simple basis. Nevertheless, a little herb tea and time spent walking around spinning my prayer wheel do get me settled enough to sleep. All the use of my prayer wheel lately has resulted in a thread holding the chain together (after a previous repair) breaking, but I fixed it again with thread from my travel sewing kit.

Retreat: Day Five

More practice, more practice, more practice, more practice. This is the key. Nevertheless, Rinpoche answers our questions with extreme patience.

It is obvious that he is not feeling well. He declined invitations to be taken to restaurants for some of his favorite foods. While I don't know how serious his condition may be, he is very definitely not feeling very well.

I have been having a lot of trouble with my knees, sitting cross-legged for such long periods and climbing these stairs so many times each day. There is also a particular spot on my left knee that causes excruciating pain when I kneel on it or hit it when I do prostrations. I have begun to do the practice sitting in a chair. I should be ashamed that I let a little pain interfere with practicing while Rinpoche pushes himself to teach us when he is so obviously not well. If he feels that it is that important to teach us Phowa, how can we not place an equal importance on doing it diligently.

Tonight I again have trouble settling down. Indeed it seems there is likely to be difficulty getting sleep from other causes. My knees are giving my even more trouble. There are so many party-goers out for St. Patrick's Day and there is a crew laying fiber optic cable just outside the building. With all these things interfering with sleep, I decide at 4:00 AM that it is too late to sleep and reliably get up in time to get things ready for Retreat participants. With all that time on my hands I do get in some extra sessions of Phowa practice overnight.

My prayer wheel again breaks. The little bit of thread was not satisfactory to fix it. Furthermore, the little links of the chain start to come apart as I try to use a staple as a replacement link. I finally just removed them hoping that I can get a little twine to tie the weight on as a temporary repair.

Retreat: Day Six

Today, after a very few questions we spent the morning practicing Phowa, but it was evident that Rinpoche was not well. His voice was not as strong at times and he would have severe attacks of coughing. We finished a little early and his appetite did not seem to be at all good.

We had a Tsok offering ceremony for the afternoon. This did seem to lift Rinpoche's spirits with him leading much of the chanting. He also very obviously did not want to trim anything out of the ceremony although we were seriously concerned that he might overtax himself.

At the end of things, my prayer wheel wound up looking rather like Rinpoche's with the weight tied on with a cord. I was most blessed that the dakinis provided me with the string for my repair. Unknown to me, a banner had lost one of its long tassels. A single strand of it was laying right in the doorway as I went through. Wrapped and tied multiple times, it now holds the weight onto my prayer wheel. It went from one holy use to another.

Retreat Plus One Day

The retreat is over and we all wish it had not ended. However, every one of us who understands how seriously ill Rinpoche is accepts it and treasures the teaching all the more, because we know that he really should have stopped sooner. Nevertheless, he could not be persuaded any sooner.

Now we have to take everything down at the downtown location and bring it back to the regular Center. We also have to clean up after ourselves. We got most of the things out, but still need to clean. After that we have a crew with a full-size pickup truck and strong arms to do the heavy lifting.

Besides the actual teaching we received and the training in the Phowa practice there is so much more that we gained. I have even arranged for my ride from the bus station for Spring Retreat at TMC Frederick, Maryland, two months from now.

Retreat Plus Two Days

On this final full day of my stay here, I cleaned the space where we held the retreat. The “Shrine Room” and the kitchen needed to be swept, vacuumed and mopped. The total floor space in the “Shrine Room” is more than the total floor space of my house. In addition I have to do the same for a hallway and the stairs. While it is satisfying to make a positive contribution to the event, this taxed me to the limit, but I completed it successfully. Nevertheless, I am quite sore and tired from it.

I catch my bus for home tomorrow. As it turns out I didn't do any more walks in other directions or visit the University of Florida campus. However, such things are really not that important. What is truly important is that I had very significant spiritual training. Furthermore, I have received more encouragement for my aspiration to be ordained a monk in addition to seeing a good example of what a good monk should be.

I shall be returning home tired but bearing a great spiritual treasure. My next retreat is not that long from now, but I can hardly wait especially since I may be ordained then!