For these past weeks I have not been able to drive my truck. When the problems with the hydraulic clutch made it undriveable, my fatigue kept me from successfully repairing it the first time I worked on it. Even the second time I worked on it and with help, I still had a problem after the master cylinder was replaced, but had to wait until I could get back to it. Finally, I tightened all the connections and bled the air out of the system. Now the clutch works and the truck shifts gears.
Nevertheless, there was still a small problem. I had to push the pedal almost all the way down, but that wasn't an insurmountable difficulty. A little check of my Haynes Repair Manual showed what needed adjustment and I'll take care of it today.
It feels so good to have gotten my truck repaired. It felt so good to drive it to my sister's house for supper and home afterward. It felt so good to be able to plan to pick up bags of leaves for mulch especially some with pine needles that will be good for my azalea bush. It is a little more of getting back to normal, but still not quite.
The work on the truck wore me out. I'll still needed extra rest before I could complete the final adjustments. However,the tiredness itself feels good, because it accompanies the successful completion of a project that was long planned and too long delayed. Today I got the adjustment completed and picked up the bags of leaves to spread tomorrow. This is a very satisfying accomplishment, but I'm not yet fully recovered.
I still tire too easily and too soon. I still have to nap to get things done. I still haven't gotten back to Dharma Center activities, because, so far, I tire too early for the weeknight times and I'm still signing on to the online Tong Ren sessions on Sunday afternoons. Nevertheless, I seem to be gaining capabilities every day and feeling the symptoms from the radiation treatments diminish steadily.
However, this weekend has brought a troubling development. It has been almost two weeks since I have been troubled by urinary pain, but the pain has returned this weekend. I cannot understand why this might be. I really have to believe that it is unrelated to my prostate cancer and the radiation treatments. In the morning, I will call the “sick call” line for nursing triage and to see about an appointment with my Primary Care doctor. Fortunately, I still have the phenazopyridine that was previously prescribed for the urinary pain and it does provide some relief. However, I know that this needs to be checked out and soon.
It is also fortunate that I've finished fixing my truck. I'll be able to drive myself to the VA hospital either for an appointment or to the ER. Although I really had not expected anything like this to develop, I have to take it in stride.
When we talk about “attachment” in Buddhism, we usually think that we are talking about people and things. We can be just as attached to expectations and plans. Furthermore, our expectations can shape our perceptions exacerbating the problem of illusion that contributes to trapping us in samsara. After all, isn't enlightenment at least in part about seeing all things clearly exactly as they are?
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 30 – Sweat Lodge and More
Since before my treatment was planned, I have not been able to take part in a Sweat Lodge either as fire tender or even just as a participant. Friday night of our Brigid's Fire Festival we had a Sweat Lodge for which I shared fire tending duties. On top of that I was able to be in the lodge for two of the four rounds. This all felt so good. My recovery has passed another milestone. Furthermore, this has been a great weekend with friends old and new.
I did realize that I could have handled fire tending by myself, but I take those duties so seriously that I would not want to fail in them through my own overconfidence. It is better that I have this opportunity to realistically assess my current capabilities. There are several more occasions for me to tend the fire for lodges here and elsewhere. Also I hope in a week or two to attend a “Sobriety Sweat” which is better for me than any AA meeting. I have missed all of them so far this fall and winter.
There seem to be so many ways that I am getting back to what is normal for me. For example, I absorbed so much energy from the fire that I was not the least bit cold although the evening temperature had gotten rather cool. I was not even hungry although I gratefully ate the meal that the hostess of this event prepared for all of us involved with the Sweat Lodge, because we eat very little before lodge and we are usually quite hungry afterward. After a while the energy dissipated and I could feel the cold. Hence, on Saturday morning, I had to go home for warmer clothes and covers for bedtime, because I had difficulty staying warm enough Friday night to sleep well.
Through the day on Saturday, I wound up not getting to any workshops but rather spent my time visiting with my friends and socializing or tending my sister's booth while she did other things. I even had time to have supper with my very best friend and still get back for the main ritual for the event. After the ritual, we had a healing circle for which I was the first volunteer to receive healing. At that point I recognized that I have mostly returned to my normal temperature tolerance. A few other people had bundled up, but I was comfortable in my shorts and t-shirt.
After I showered and changed into a sarong and t-shirt for drum circle, I headed toward the fire and settled down for some drumming. We had a larger crowd than the last time I was at a drum circle which is a great development. It did take me a little while to get into the groove, but when I did, I was able to get into my “altered state.” We also had several dancers which stimulates our drumming. I have found that I can divide my attention in such a way that I can keep up with the drumming as well as notice the dancing. However, if I give a little too much attention to the dancers, I'll lose my place in the drumming. Since I play a Native American frame drum and the others play djembes and dumbeks, keeping my place in the drumming is a very active process.
Once again I found myself, as at a few times before, upon seeing others in intimate and loving moments, feeling excruciatingly painful loneliness. Sometimes I believe that I am destined to remain single the rest of my life. At other times I believe that there might still be a “soulmate” awaiting me somewhere for me yet to meet. However, an unbiased review of my life and relationships reveals that I have only once had an honest indication of being attractive to a woman and then only under circumstances that precluded any development. While I have been told that I have been “highly regarded,” “well thought of,” “considered very interesting” or even “scary smart,” no one has ever told me that anyone has ever said that I was “good looking,” “attractive” or “sexy.” The only times that my interest in a woman brought a favorable response were times that served the other party's dishonest and ulterior motives. Although there was one lady sailor whose interest in the pleasure of sex matched my own, it wasn't anything that could develop into something more, because there was not such an interest and I was soon transferred.
I could either vigorously pursue a search for my “soulmate” with a certainty of finding her or I could reject the idea of ever having a partner again hiding myself as a monastic. Neither of these represents a healthy course to follow. Having been ordained a Ngakpa, I do not need to remain celibate or enter a monastery to follow the path of Tibetan Buddhism fully. However, I may need to become a fully ordained monk in order to fulfill my Karma, but I do not yet know for sure. Nevertheless, whichever course I follow, it is not just for my own comfort or pleasure, not just about companionship or sex, but rather about how best to be of benefit to all sentient beings.
Sunday morning I had more time to visit with friends, but soon recognized how exhausted I now was. In the late afternoon, without even unloading anything from our vehicle, I went home and took a nap before supper and then slept twelve hours before I got up for breakfast. I spent most of Monday napping. It has taken all of this to rest up from the weekend, but it was worth it all. However, I do realize that I still have to be more realistic about my capabilities while still testing the degree of improvement in my recovery.
I did realize that I could have handled fire tending by myself, but I take those duties so seriously that I would not want to fail in them through my own overconfidence. It is better that I have this opportunity to realistically assess my current capabilities. There are several more occasions for me to tend the fire for lodges here and elsewhere. Also I hope in a week or two to attend a “Sobriety Sweat” which is better for me than any AA meeting. I have missed all of them so far this fall and winter.
There seem to be so many ways that I am getting back to what is normal for me. For example, I absorbed so much energy from the fire that I was not the least bit cold although the evening temperature had gotten rather cool. I was not even hungry although I gratefully ate the meal that the hostess of this event prepared for all of us involved with the Sweat Lodge, because we eat very little before lodge and we are usually quite hungry afterward. After a while the energy dissipated and I could feel the cold. Hence, on Saturday morning, I had to go home for warmer clothes and covers for bedtime, because I had difficulty staying warm enough Friday night to sleep well.
Through the day on Saturday, I wound up not getting to any workshops but rather spent my time visiting with my friends and socializing or tending my sister's booth while she did other things. I even had time to have supper with my very best friend and still get back for the main ritual for the event. After the ritual, we had a healing circle for which I was the first volunteer to receive healing. At that point I recognized that I have mostly returned to my normal temperature tolerance. A few other people had bundled up, but I was comfortable in my shorts and t-shirt.
After I showered and changed into a sarong and t-shirt for drum circle, I headed toward the fire and settled down for some drumming. We had a larger crowd than the last time I was at a drum circle which is a great development. It did take me a little while to get into the groove, but when I did, I was able to get into my “altered state.” We also had several dancers which stimulates our drumming. I have found that I can divide my attention in such a way that I can keep up with the drumming as well as notice the dancing. However, if I give a little too much attention to the dancers, I'll lose my place in the drumming. Since I play a Native American frame drum and the others play djembes and dumbeks, keeping my place in the drumming is a very active process.
Once again I found myself, as at a few times before, upon seeing others in intimate and loving moments, feeling excruciatingly painful loneliness. Sometimes I believe that I am destined to remain single the rest of my life. At other times I believe that there might still be a “soulmate” awaiting me somewhere for me yet to meet. However, an unbiased review of my life and relationships reveals that I have only once had an honest indication of being attractive to a woman and then only under circumstances that precluded any development. While I have been told that I have been “highly regarded,” “well thought of,” “considered very interesting” or even “scary smart,” no one has ever told me that anyone has ever said that I was “good looking,” “attractive” or “sexy.” The only times that my interest in a woman brought a favorable response were times that served the other party's dishonest and ulterior motives. Although there was one lady sailor whose interest in the pleasure of sex matched my own, it wasn't anything that could develop into something more, because there was not such an interest and I was soon transferred.
I could either vigorously pursue a search for my “soulmate” with a certainty of finding her or I could reject the idea of ever having a partner again hiding myself as a monastic. Neither of these represents a healthy course to follow. Having been ordained a Ngakpa, I do not need to remain celibate or enter a monastery to follow the path of Tibetan Buddhism fully. However, I may need to become a fully ordained monk in order to fulfill my Karma, but I do not yet know for sure. Nevertheless, whichever course I follow, it is not just for my own comfort or pleasure, not just about companionship or sex, but rather about how best to be of benefit to all sentient beings.
Sunday morning I had more time to visit with friends, but soon recognized how exhausted I now was. In the late afternoon, without even unloading anything from our vehicle, I went home and took a nap before supper and then slept twelve hours before I got up for breakfast. I spent most of Monday napping. It has taken all of this to rest up from the weekend, but it was worth it all. However, I do realize that I still have to be more realistic about my capabilities while still testing the degree of improvement in my recovery.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 29 – More Transitions
With the end of radiation therapy and the beginning of recovery from its side effects, I can also begin to resume my normal role in my family and in society and soon even in my Sangha. For one thing, my sister can start to depend on me more as her driver when she has to go outside Plant City. This comes at a fortuitous time because she is attending to her own medical needs with various appointments with doctors and as well as for tests. At the same time my own medical appointments are getting farther apart. Nevertheless, I must allow myself the necessary rest, recognizing that my recovery is in progress but not yet complete.
Today, I kept my last scheduled appointment with the psychology intern who has helped me through this whole process of treatment and the start of recovery from it. These appointments have been invaluable in helping maintain a healthy perspective on my cancer and its treatment with all the changes that it has entailed. I will miss seeing him and talking about what has been going on and receiving his insight and his questions which have helped me sustain a positive outlook through it all. I also printed out the blog entries up through the last one to allow him to read them at his leisure.
After my appointment, it felt good to drive from the VA Hospital in Tampa to Watson Clinic in Lakeland to take my sister to her appointment. It is good to be able to be depended on by others after depending on others so much throughout course of my treatment. I recognize that I have to be realistic about my capabilities as I recover, not over-committing myself as I am prone to do. Perhaps that is one of the lessons that I may carry out of this whole experience to enhance my life and my benefit to others. I am sure there will be many more both practical and spiritual lessons coming out of it as well.
I had hoped that I would be getting back to Dharma Center activities by now, but my stamina and energy are not coming back that quickly. I have been finding myself too tired from daytime activities, no matter how little, to be able to do much in the evening. Furthermore, I don't think I am yet ready to give up the Tong Ren sessions on Sunday afternoon until my recovery is farther along. Nevertheless, I hope to be able to attend the next two Wednesday activities which are to be a teaching and empowerment by a teacher whom I have not met previously and then our own local celebration of Losar, the Tibetan New Year. As I have written before, I hope to celebrate the different New Years for the different traditionally Buddhist Asian cultures.
Although I missed the first meeting of our book study group at the Dharma Center last night, I had already begun reading the book. Like so many of the fundamental Dharma texts in Tibetan Buddhism, as well as in Buddhism generally, it is so loaded with meaning and significance that it cannot be read quickly but must be digested in small portions. They require much reflection and even a little rereading of earlier portions. I find this especially true of the writings of Gampopa whose “Instructions” we are reading for the group.
Personally, I am currently reading not only The Instructions of Gampopa but also his Jewel Ornament of Liberation as well as Sogyal Rinpoche's Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. It is good to read a little, contemplate it, read commentary a little, contemplate a little more, and then allow time to “digest” all of it. This may make for slow progress in the reading, but Dharma texts are not just read for their words but for their application in life and especially in our daily practice. It is not really a matter of filling our memory with facts and other information but of providing what we need to advance toward enlightenment and that not only for ourselves but also for the benefit of all sentient beings.
The pace of our book study group of taking two of Gampopa's lists and the two corresponding chapters of commentary by Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche seems quite suitable to the material, but it has taken me a month to read and digest the first two lists and chapters of commentary with anything like a reasonable understanding. Hopefully, I can apply myself a little more to this study and be able to keep up with the group. Furthermore, when I can begin attending the study group with the next session in two weeks, the insights of the other group members will help with this. Even more than this, I hope I may find my application of the lessons from the reading to be more active and practical, enhancing my practice and advancing toward enlightenment for myself and all sentient beings.
Since I have been planning to make the trip to Boston in June for a retreat under Lama Sonam's guidance, I have begun thinking of starting now to save for the trip. With my very limited income, three months is not really all that long a time frame to save such a sum. While I can hope that a friend will help with some travel expenses and even that there may be others who would sponsor my trip, I should try to do all that I can for myself. There is significant spiritual benefit in such an endeavor.
Today, I kept my last scheduled appointment with the psychology intern who has helped me through this whole process of treatment and the start of recovery from it. These appointments have been invaluable in helping maintain a healthy perspective on my cancer and its treatment with all the changes that it has entailed. I will miss seeing him and talking about what has been going on and receiving his insight and his questions which have helped me sustain a positive outlook through it all. I also printed out the blog entries up through the last one to allow him to read them at his leisure.
After my appointment, it felt good to drive from the VA Hospital in Tampa to Watson Clinic in Lakeland to take my sister to her appointment. It is good to be able to be depended on by others after depending on others so much throughout course of my treatment. I recognize that I have to be realistic about my capabilities as I recover, not over-committing myself as I am prone to do. Perhaps that is one of the lessons that I may carry out of this whole experience to enhance my life and my benefit to others. I am sure there will be many more both practical and spiritual lessons coming out of it as well.
I had hoped that I would be getting back to Dharma Center activities by now, but my stamina and energy are not coming back that quickly. I have been finding myself too tired from daytime activities, no matter how little, to be able to do much in the evening. Furthermore, I don't think I am yet ready to give up the Tong Ren sessions on Sunday afternoon until my recovery is farther along. Nevertheless, I hope to be able to attend the next two Wednesday activities which are to be a teaching and empowerment by a teacher whom I have not met previously and then our own local celebration of Losar, the Tibetan New Year. As I have written before, I hope to celebrate the different New Years for the different traditionally Buddhist Asian cultures.
Although I missed the first meeting of our book study group at the Dharma Center last night, I had already begun reading the book. Like so many of the fundamental Dharma texts in Tibetan Buddhism, as well as in Buddhism generally, it is so loaded with meaning and significance that it cannot be read quickly but must be digested in small portions. They require much reflection and even a little rereading of earlier portions. I find this especially true of the writings of Gampopa whose “Instructions” we are reading for the group.
Personally, I am currently reading not only The Instructions of Gampopa but also his Jewel Ornament of Liberation as well as Sogyal Rinpoche's Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. It is good to read a little, contemplate it, read commentary a little, contemplate a little more, and then allow time to “digest” all of it. This may make for slow progress in the reading, but Dharma texts are not just read for their words but for their application in life and especially in our daily practice. It is not really a matter of filling our memory with facts and other information but of providing what we need to advance toward enlightenment and that not only for ourselves but also for the benefit of all sentient beings.
The pace of our book study group of taking two of Gampopa's lists and the two corresponding chapters of commentary by Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche seems quite suitable to the material, but it has taken me a month to read and digest the first two lists and chapters of commentary with anything like a reasonable understanding. Hopefully, I can apply myself a little more to this study and be able to keep up with the group. Furthermore, when I can begin attending the study group with the next session in two weeks, the insights of the other group members will help with this. Even more than this, I hope I may find my application of the lessons from the reading to be more active and practical, enhancing my practice and advancing toward enlightenment for myself and all sentient beings.
Since I have been planning to make the trip to Boston in June for a retreat under Lama Sonam's guidance, I have begun thinking of starting now to save for the trip. With my very limited income, three months is not really all that long a time frame to save such a sum. While I can hope that a friend will help with some travel expenses and even that there may be others who would sponsor my trip, I should try to do all that I can for myself. There is significant spiritual benefit in such an endeavor.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 28 – Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
Yesterday, after an appointment at the VA Hospital, I went to Taco Bell for lunch which is fast, easy and cheap. As I usually do, I put one packet of “hot” sauce, not “fire” sauce, on my burrito which was quite enjoyable. I thought little of it, because I had not felt any nausea for almost a week. The nausea that had plagued me through much of my radiation therapy had kept me from eating hot and spicy foods. Now I no longer had that constraint to prevent me from enjoying something so simple.
I also took the gamble of going without incontinence pads or even my “just in case bag.” I made it through the day without any “accidents” or even close calls. I seem to have regained a reasonable amount of urinary control. Not only can I get to the restroom without incident, but I can stop urinating properly. However, I still plan my trips around the availability of clean restrooms. Nevertheless this is a milestone in my recovery.
On the way home I bought bananas and protein powder for my protein shakes for my own personal weight loss program. The store where I bought the powder only had it in chocolate flavor. Although I would usually shy away from chocolate flavored drinks because they are normally disappointing, I decided to give it a try. It turns out that the flavor is so weak and it does not seem to go well with the fruit that I have available. The only way that this is remotely palatable is almost frozen. However, I will try it with each kind of frozen fruit that I am using. before I totally give up on chocolate. Nevertheless, I have already gone to a different store to buy the protein powder in the vanilla flavor that I had already tried. This probably wouldn't matter all that much except that as a weight loss program the shakes that I am using should not be so unpalatable that I would abandon the whole plan because of them. Since I am already six pounds down from my weight at the end of radiation therapy,I want to keep the process going.
Sometime between midnight and 2:00 AM, I experienced the reaction of my gastrointestinal system to the hot sauce in my burrito, diarrhea. This added many unpleasant trips to the bathroom to the few trips I make to urinate during a normal night. The loss of sleep added to the energy draining effects of diarrhea resulted in a day in which I could do little more than sleep. Even though I normally stay up late most nights, tonight I'll make it an early night and not just because I have an early appointment n the morning.
I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot yet maintain the level of activities that I did before treatments began. Whether it is my daily practice, or working around the house or yard, I cannot yet do what I did before. I want to get back to Dharma Center activities. I want to get my truck repairs finished. I want to build my recumbent bicycle. I want to clean up my yard, particularly things that were damaged by freezing weather. I will get these things done eventually, each in its turn as I actually do recover, not by wishful thinking.
I also have to remember that at this stage the radiation is still killing cancer cells. That process has not ended and the body has not finished “cleaning up” from it. I am not yet fully in the phase of recovering from the effects of radiation on healthy tissues. I can encourage, help, promote, facilitate, or support that process, but it will take the time that it takes. Even this is the working out of Karma, not only the seeds that were planted in previous lifetimes, but also the effects of choices and actions in this lifetime. Whether they are decisions made more than 25 years ago that have health consequences now or the choice of treatment made last year, they are being worked out in my present circumstances and experiences.
All of Karma must bear fruit,be worked out in life, or be cleansed, but it cannot be ignored or avoided.
I also took the gamble of going without incontinence pads or even my “just in case bag.” I made it through the day without any “accidents” or even close calls. I seem to have regained a reasonable amount of urinary control. Not only can I get to the restroom without incident, but I can stop urinating properly. However, I still plan my trips around the availability of clean restrooms. Nevertheless this is a milestone in my recovery.
On the way home I bought bananas and protein powder for my protein shakes for my own personal weight loss program. The store where I bought the powder only had it in chocolate flavor. Although I would usually shy away from chocolate flavored drinks because they are normally disappointing, I decided to give it a try. It turns out that the flavor is so weak and it does not seem to go well with the fruit that I have available. The only way that this is remotely palatable is almost frozen. However, I will try it with each kind of frozen fruit that I am using. before I totally give up on chocolate. Nevertheless, I have already gone to a different store to buy the protein powder in the vanilla flavor that I had already tried. This probably wouldn't matter all that much except that as a weight loss program the shakes that I am using should not be so unpalatable that I would abandon the whole plan because of them. Since I am already six pounds down from my weight at the end of radiation therapy,I want to keep the process going.
Sometime between midnight and 2:00 AM, I experienced the reaction of my gastrointestinal system to the hot sauce in my burrito, diarrhea. This added many unpleasant trips to the bathroom to the few trips I make to urinate during a normal night. The loss of sleep added to the energy draining effects of diarrhea resulted in a day in which I could do little more than sleep. Even though I normally stay up late most nights, tonight I'll make it an early night and not just because I have an early appointment n the morning.
I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot yet maintain the level of activities that I did before treatments began. Whether it is my daily practice, or working around the house or yard, I cannot yet do what I did before. I want to get back to Dharma Center activities. I want to get my truck repairs finished. I want to build my recumbent bicycle. I want to clean up my yard, particularly things that were damaged by freezing weather. I will get these things done eventually, each in its turn as I actually do recover, not by wishful thinking.
I also have to remember that at this stage the radiation is still killing cancer cells. That process has not ended and the body has not finished “cleaning up” from it. I am not yet fully in the phase of recovering from the effects of radiation on healthy tissues. I can encourage, help, promote, facilitate, or support that process, but it will take the time that it takes. Even this is the working out of Karma, not only the seeds that were planted in previous lifetimes, but also the effects of choices and actions in this lifetime. Whether they are decisions made more than 25 years ago that have health consequences now or the choice of treatment made last year, they are being worked out in my present circumstances and experiences.
All of Karma must bear fruit,be worked out in life, or be cleansed, but it cannot be ignored or avoided.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 27 – A Postscript to “Side Effects Begin to Diminish”
Friday, I felt so much better than I had in weeks that I overdid so much. By the time I got home that night, I was very, very tired. However, the next day I did not sleep late, but rather got a morning start on doing needed laundry. In the afternoon, with s little help from my- neighbors, I was able to finish the installation of the new master cylinder for my clutch. Nevertheless, I did not particularly try to get rest. By the time I went to my sister's house for supper, it was clear that I was profoundly tired and had to postpone the planned visit to the Thai Buddhist temple on Palm River Road.
Unfortunately, the exhilaration of feeling so much better had led to my overestimating what I could do and forgetting what I wrote in the last entry, “I am not ready to resume my normal level of activity just yet.” Furthermore, although we had planned for my sister to come over to help me bleed air from the lines of the hydraulic clutch system, we had to cancel that plan, because this level of exhaustion could result in making a mistake in the process or impair my ability to diagnose another problem with that system.
It has been so easy to let the exhilaration from feeling so much better than I have been feeling since I started treatments to deceive me into forgetting my own limitations. Therefore, I got myself thoroughly exhausted. Fortunately, I recognized my state and took appropriate action, getting rest.
Sunday, I spent the bulk of the day alternating necessities like eating and going to the bathroom with sleep. In the late afternoon, I ran a couple of simple errands and then went to my sister's house for supper and my Tong Ren online session. Now I recognize the slower pace that I must maintain at the beginning and also recognize that this pace can only be increased slowly as I actually recover not merely as I hope to recover.
Monday morning my sister and I will meet for coffee with my very best friend from childhood. Since he lives all the way out in Washington State, we rarely get the chance to see each other. In the afternoon, I shall be going to the VA hospital for an appointment with a nurse practitioner at the Mental Health Clinic. It was she who recommended that I give myself a treat after each radiation treatment and then mark off the day on a special calendar. This has been particularly helpful in keeping a positive outlook throughout my course of treatment.
This week at the Dharma Center, on Tuesday we will be having our first meeting of our book discussion group and, on Friday, we will be having a practice session for Amitayus Long Life and Ngondro practices. I hope to be able to attend both.
Once again, today I have been able to chant more of my daily practice than I have been able to do since very early in my course of treatment. My daily practice needs to grow and develop towards the plan set out in consultation with my lama. In all this I need to remember that it is not only for myself but for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Unfortunately, the exhilaration of feeling so much better had led to my overestimating what I could do and forgetting what I wrote in the last entry, “I am not ready to resume my normal level of activity just yet.” Furthermore, although we had planned for my sister to come over to help me bleed air from the lines of the hydraulic clutch system, we had to cancel that plan, because this level of exhaustion could result in making a mistake in the process or impair my ability to diagnose another problem with that system.
It has been so easy to let the exhilaration from feeling so much better than I have been feeling since I started treatments to deceive me into forgetting my own limitations. Therefore, I got myself thoroughly exhausted. Fortunately, I recognized my state and took appropriate action, getting rest.
Sunday, I spent the bulk of the day alternating necessities like eating and going to the bathroom with sleep. In the late afternoon, I ran a couple of simple errands and then went to my sister's house for supper and my Tong Ren online session. Now I recognize the slower pace that I must maintain at the beginning and also recognize that this pace can only be increased slowly as I actually recover not merely as I hope to recover.
Monday morning my sister and I will meet for coffee with my very best friend from childhood. Since he lives all the way out in Washington State, we rarely get the chance to see each other. In the afternoon, I shall be going to the VA hospital for an appointment with a nurse practitioner at the Mental Health Clinic. It was she who recommended that I give myself a treat after each radiation treatment and then mark off the day on a special calendar. This has been particularly helpful in keeping a positive outlook throughout my course of treatment.
This week at the Dharma Center, on Tuesday we will be having our first meeting of our book discussion group and, on Friday, we will be having a practice session for Amitayus Long Life and Ngondro practices. I hope to be able to attend both.
Once again, today I have been able to chant more of my daily practice than I have been able to do since very early in my course of treatment. My daily practice needs to grow and develop towards the plan set out in consultation with my lama. In all this I need to remember that it is not only for myself but for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 27 – Side Effects Begin to Diminish
Before the radiation treatments had finished, I was experiencing bad urinary symptoms. The pain exceeded the capacity of the prescribed phenazopyridine to relieve it and the urinary urgency was now followed by the inability to stop voiding when the bladder had emptied. I first thought that this new symptom was actually the result of no longer needing the dosage of the terazosin that I took for my oldest prostate symptoms, difficulty starting to urinate and incomplete voiding. Therefore, I stopped taking it for a couple of days to see if the old symptoms came back and the difficulty starting did return. At that point I resumed the dose I had originally started taking years ago. However the new inability to stop was still a problem. Now, even that seems to be clearing up and the pain when urinating also seems diminished. I have been able to reduce my dose of phenazopyridine to once a day instead of three times a day.
I'm even feeling a return of some energy to do things. I did not sleep as late as I had toward the end of my treatments. I even took care of a couple of small household tasks that I hadn't done for lack of energy. However, I am not ready to resume my normal level of activity just yet. While I have done more today already than I was doing, I already need to take a break, perhaps even a nap.
This morning for the first time since the treatments started, I made my usual strong chai with herbs that I normally drink in the morning. I had stopped doing it because it would make it more difficult to have the “comfortably full” bladder that they wanted for the treatments and I might have trouble making the drive to the hospital without a urinary “accident.” I try to take Gymnema Silvestri for diabetes and Pau d'Arco for general health daily. However, because both have what I call a “green” taste, they are much more palatable when the black tea and spice of chai masks that taste.
I also notice that I no longer have that hint of nausea that has plagued me for much of the course of treatment. As cold as this morning started out, I felt that a substantial breakfast would be a good idea. My grits, eggs, and vegetarian sausage might have brought on nausea just last week, but now I enjoyed it without any problem. However, I do realize that I can't make that my normal breakfast if I am to lose the weight that I wasn't permitted to lose while I was receiving radiation treatments. I have even signed myself into the VA weight loss program to get the most help I can get in order to lose the weight I need to lose.
I even was motivated to gather and print my information on building my own recumbent bicycle. I'm not ready to build it just yet, but I can decide on the particular design and look at the old bikes see what parts I have and what I need. I can also see whether I can borrow or must buy any tools that I don't already own.
My sister and I are looking forward to visiting the local Thai temple on Palm River Road in Tampa with friends. We haven't been there in years. They have build a new temple that we have not yet seen. Furthermore, we will get the chance to enjoy a lunch of some homemade Thai food that is sold as a fundraiser for the temple. I hope that my strength may be sufficient that I may get to my Dharma Center, but I'm not sure. Furthermore, I still need to continue with the Tong Ren sessions to help with my recovery from the radiation treatments and the general healing online sessions on Sundays are scheduled at the same time as the activities at the Dharma Center.
With the increased energy and the warmer weather after the rare freezing weather that we have had, I hope to work a little today and tomorrow on finishing the repair to my truck. For me it is important that I finish the job myself, because I have lost too much of my capabilities during the course of radiation treatments and from the change in my arthritis medication. I really need to complete this task successfully myself.
Today I have been able to chant more of my daily practice than I have been able to do since very early in my course of treatment. I hope now to be more consistent in doing the daily offerings as well. I also plan to borrow a DVD of the Amitayus Long Life Practice as a refresher for starting to do that on a regular basis since I have only been able to do it a couple of times after treatments started and even then I realized that I forgot so much of the action that goes along with the chanting. My daily practice needs to grow and develop towards the plan set out in consultation with my lama. In all this I need to remember that it is not only for myself but for the benefit of all sentient beings.
I'm even feeling a return of some energy to do things. I did not sleep as late as I had toward the end of my treatments. I even took care of a couple of small household tasks that I hadn't done for lack of energy. However, I am not ready to resume my normal level of activity just yet. While I have done more today already than I was doing, I already need to take a break, perhaps even a nap.
This morning for the first time since the treatments started, I made my usual strong chai with herbs that I normally drink in the morning. I had stopped doing it because it would make it more difficult to have the “comfortably full” bladder that they wanted for the treatments and I might have trouble making the drive to the hospital without a urinary “accident.” I try to take Gymnema Silvestri for diabetes and Pau d'Arco for general health daily. However, because both have what I call a “green” taste, they are much more palatable when the black tea and spice of chai masks that taste.
I also notice that I no longer have that hint of nausea that has plagued me for much of the course of treatment. As cold as this morning started out, I felt that a substantial breakfast would be a good idea. My grits, eggs, and vegetarian sausage might have brought on nausea just last week, but now I enjoyed it without any problem. However, I do realize that I can't make that my normal breakfast if I am to lose the weight that I wasn't permitted to lose while I was receiving radiation treatments. I have even signed myself into the VA weight loss program to get the most help I can get in order to lose the weight I need to lose.
I even was motivated to gather and print my information on building my own recumbent bicycle. I'm not ready to build it just yet, but I can decide on the particular design and look at the old bikes see what parts I have and what I need. I can also see whether I can borrow or must buy any tools that I don't already own.
My sister and I are looking forward to visiting the local Thai temple on Palm River Road in Tampa with friends. We haven't been there in years. They have build a new temple that we have not yet seen. Furthermore, we will get the chance to enjoy a lunch of some homemade Thai food that is sold as a fundraiser for the temple. I hope that my strength may be sufficient that I may get to my Dharma Center, but I'm not sure. Furthermore, I still need to continue with the Tong Ren sessions to help with my recovery from the radiation treatments and the general healing online sessions on Sundays are scheduled at the same time as the activities at the Dharma Center.
With the increased energy and the warmer weather after the rare freezing weather that we have had, I hope to work a little today and tomorrow on finishing the repair to my truck. For me it is important that I finish the job myself, because I have lost too much of my capabilities during the course of radiation treatments and from the change in my arthritis medication. I really need to complete this task successfully myself.
Today I have been able to chant more of my daily practice than I have been able to do since very early in my course of treatment. I hope now to be more consistent in doing the daily offerings as well. I also plan to borrow a DVD of the Amitayus Long Life Practice as a refresher for starting to do that on a regular basis since I have only been able to do it a couple of times after treatments started and even then I realized that I forgot so much of the action that goes along with the chanting. My daily practice needs to grow and develop towards the plan set out in consultation with my lama. In all this I need to remember that it is not only for myself but for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 26 – Transitions
In our lives we go through a series of transitions, willingly or unwillingly, joyfully or painfully, intentionally or unintentionally, for spiritual benefit or spiritual harm. Indeed we may regard each day as a series of transitions, from sleep to wakefulness, from home to work, from work to home, from wakefulness to sleep and even dreaming. Between each of these states is a condition which is neither of them but also similar to each of them, essentially a gap. While we think of the “Bardo” as only the transition between death and rebirth, at its root it is every transition, but most especially those that bring significant change in our lives. As Sogyal Rinpoche wrote in the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, “Bardo is a Tibetan word that simply means a “transition” or a gap between the completion of one situation and the onset of another. Bar means “in between” and do means “suspended” or “thrown.”
In my own life I can see the usual transitions of birth, weaning, school, graduation, and marriage. Furthermore, there have been those more personal but still very ordinary transitions like enlistment in the Navy,. On the other hand, there have been those more dramatic transitions like that brought about by the fracturing of a vertebra while drunk which revealed to me how abnormal my drinking was although it took years to bear fruit in continuing sobriety. Similarly, my motor vehicle accident in 1983 brought about the most drastic changes in my life, the most important of which have been spiritual. Some of them have only borne fruit over time.
This “journey through cancer” has been marked by significant transitions as well: the PSA test results that started this process and took me out of a daily existence forgetful of my own mortality, the urology exam that found the “lump” and took me back to the spiritual lessons of 1983, the biopsy which was the first step to a diagnosis and which especially moved me to put into action the Buddhist principles I had studied so long, the diagnosis and treatment planning which set out the approximate course of my future and put me face to face with death once again, and the course of radiation therapy which has fought my cancer and given me an extended opportunity to study and practice my Buddhist faith under both stressful and supportive conditions at the same time.
Tuesday I had my last radiation treatment. It feels so good to be finished even though I know the process is not complete. When I walked out of that session, the lady who gave me a ride that day said that she could see on my face how much happier I was at that moment The radiation has started a chain reaction which has killed many cancer cells already but will continue to kill them for several more weeks.
After the treatment session I had my weekly appointment with the radiation oncologist and his nurse, but a nurse practitioner was filling in for the doctor. She explained that my next appointment will be in three months at which time I will have a PSA test and we shall see how effective the treatments have been. She also explained that the side effects will subside over the coming weeks, but may take four to six weeks to fully clear up. We talked about how fortunate I have been to have had mild side effects, all of which were the expected ones. Some of the guys have worse side effects, some milder, some almost none at all.
Before the radiation treatments started I pursued several alternative therapies as a preparation, but stopped most of them once treatments began. A few I continued throughout the course of therapy. These I plan to also continue for some weeks now that the radiation has finished. The main ones of these will be drinking lemongrass tea and eating my “enhanced Ramen noodles” with their reishi and miso broth and broccoli. Research in Israel has shown that lemongrass tea helps kill cancer. cells Natural health sources recommend reishi and miso for dealing with the side effects of radiation.
After this many weeks centered on my daily appointment at RTU, it will feel strange not to have that focus to my day. However, I told a friend that it also may reduce my fatigue since part of it may come from the stress of this routine. At least that portion should get better rather soon.
In celebration of this latest milestone my sister and I and two friends went out to lunch at the Thai restaurant. Napin Thai, here in Plant City. We had not eaten there yet, but a friend recommended it. Actually, we rarely eat out except for situations of sheer necessity and then normally only at the cheapest places like fast food restaurants. Since I am not yet past the side effects of the radiation, although I particularly like some of the spicier Thai dishes like curry, I had to opt for the mild version of my choice just this time. The meal was excellent and the companionship only served to enhance it. Furthermore, I have already decided that when (notice I say when not if) I get the word at my follow-up appointment that my PSA is low and no lump can be felt, not only will I start wearing my, “I am a cancer survivor” t-shirt, but also I will again celebrate with dining out at this restaurant, but I can order my meal a little spicy.
I realize that I will miss the guys that I saw everyday at RTU, because we had become a kind of community or mutual support group. We would share our experiences, our jokes, even our little tips. This was compassion and loving-kindness in action, both given and received. Just as I had received the recipe for my protein shakes from my Primary Care doctor and an improvement to it from the daughter of another patient, I was able to pass it on to newer patients. Furthermore, as we shared aspects of our lives outside the hospital, we felt genuine concern for each other. We all had this chance to grow in our connection to our fellow human beings.
In my own life I can see the usual transitions of birth, weaning, school, graduation, and marriage. Furthermore, there have been those more personal but still very ordinary transitions like enlistment in the Navy,. On the other hand, there have been those more dramatic transitions like that brought about by the fracturing of a vertebra while drunk which revealed to me how abnormal my drinking was although it took years to bear fruit in continuing sobriety. Similarly, my motor vehicle accident in 1983 brought about the most drastic changes in my life, the most important of which have been spiritual. Some of them have only borne fruit over time.
This “journey through cancer” has been marked by significant transitions as well: the PSA test results that started this process and took me out of a daily existence forgetful of my own mortality, the urology exam that found the “lump” and took me back to the spiritual lessons of 1983, the biopsy which was the first step to a diagnosis and which especially moved me to put into action the Buddhist principles I had studied so long, the diagnosis and treatment planning which set out the approximate course of my future and put me face to face with death once again, and the course of radiation therapy which has fought my cancer and given me an extended opportunity to study and practice my Buddhist faith under both stressful and supportive conditions at the same time.
Tuesday I had my last radiation treatment. It feels so good to be finished even though I know the process is not complete. When I walked out of that session, the lady who gave me a ride that day said that she could see on my face how much happier I was at that moment The radiation has started a chain reaction which has killed many cancer cells already but will continue to kill them for several more weeks.
After the treatment session I had my weekly appointment with the radiation oncologist and his nurse, but a nurse practitioner was filling in for the doctor. She explained that my next appointment will be in three months at which time I will have a PSA test and we shall see how effective the treatments have been. She also explained that the side effects will subside over the coming weeks, but may take four to six weeks to fully clear up. We talked about how fortunate I have been to have had mild side effects, all of which were the expected ones. Some of the guys have worse side effects, some milder, some almost none at all.
Before the radiation treatments started I pursued several alternative therapies as a preparation, but stopped most of them once treatments began. A few I continued throughout the course of therapy. These I plan to also continue for some weeks now that the radiation has finished. The main ones of these will be drinking lemongrass tea and eating my “enhanced Ramen noodles” with their reishi and miso broth and broccoli. Research in Israel has shown that lemongrass tea helps kill cancer. cells Natural health sources recommend reishi and miso for dealing with the side effects of radiation.
After this many weeks centered on my daily appointment at RTU, it will feel strange not to have that focus to my day. However, I told a friend that it also may reduce my fatigue since part of it may come from the stress of this routine. At least that portion should get better rather soon.
In celebration of this latest milestone my sister and I and two friends went out to lunch at the Thai restaurant. Napin Thai, here in Plant City. We had not eaten there yet, but a friend recommended it. Actually, we rarely eat out except for situations of sheer necessity and then normally only at the cheapest places like fast food restaurants. Since I am not yet past the side effects of the radiation, although I particularly like some of the spicier Thai dishes like curry, I had to opt for the mild version of my choice just this time. The meal was excellent and the companionship only served to enhance it. Furthermore, I have already decided that when (notice I say when not if) I get the word at my follow-up appointment that my PSA is low and no lump can be felt, not only will I start wearing my, “I am a cancer survivor” t-shirt, but also I will again celebrate with dining out at this restaurant, but I can order my meal a little spicy.
I realize that I will miss the guys that I saw everyday at RTU, because we had become a kind of community or mutual support group. We would share our experiences, our jokes, even our little tips. This was compassion and loving-kindness in action, both given and received. Just as I had received the recipe for my protein shakes from my Primary Care doctor and an improvement to it from the daughter of another patient, I was able to pass it on to newer patients. Furthermore, as we shared aspects of our lives outside the hospital, we felt genuine concern for each other. We all had this chance to grow in our connection to our fellow human beings.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
