Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 29 – More Transitions

With the end of radiation therapy and the beginning of recovery from its side effects, I can also begin to resume my normal role in my family and in society and soon even in my Sangha. For one thing, my sister can start to depend on me more as her driver when she has to go outside Plant City. This comes at a fortuitous time because she is attending to her own medical needs with various appointments with doctors and as well as for tests. At the same time my own medical appointments are getting farther apart. Nevertheless, I must allow myself the necessary rest, recognizing that my recovery is in progress but not yet complete.
Today, I kept my last scheduled appointment with the psychology intern who has helped me through this whole process of treatment and the start of recovery from it. These appointments have been invaluable in helping maintain a healthy perspective on my cancer and its treatment with all the changes that it has entailed. I will miss seeing him and talking about what has been going on and receiving his insight and his questions which have helped me sustain a positive outlook through it all. I also printed out the blog entries up through the last one to allow him to read them at his leisure.
After my appointment, it felt good to drive from the VA Hospital in Tampa to Watson Clinic in Lakeland to take my sister to her appointment. It is good to be able to be depended on by others after depending on others so much throughout course of my treatment. I recognize that I have to be realistic about my capabilities as I recover, not over-committing myself as I am prone to do. Perhaps that is one of the lessons that I may carry out of this whole experience to enhance my life and my benefit to others. I am sure there will be many more both practical and spiritual lessons coming out of it as well.
I had hoped that I would be getting back to Dharma Center activities by now, but my stamina and energy are not coming back that quickly. I have been finding myself too tired from daytime activities, no matter how little, to be able to do much in the evening. Furthermore, I don't think I am yet ready to give up the Tong Ren sessions on Sunday afternoon until my recovery is farther along. Nevertheless, I hope to be able to attend the next two Wednesday activities which are to be a teaching and empowerment by a teacher whom I have not met previously and then our own local celebration of Losar, the Tibetan New Year. As I have written before, I hope to celebrate the different New Years for the different traditionally Buddhist Asian cultures.
Although I missed the first meeting of our book study group at the Dharma Center last night, I had already begun reading the book. Like so many of the fundamental Dharma texts in Tibetan Buddhism, as well as in Buddhism generally, it is so loaded with meaning and significance that it cannot be read quickly but must be digested in small portions. They require much reflection and even a little rereading of earlier portions. I find this especially true of the writings of Gampopa whose “Instructions” we are reading for the group.
Personally, I am currently reading not only The Instructions of Gampopa but also his Jewel Ornament of Liberation as well as Sogyal Rinpoche's Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. It is good to read a little, contemplate it, read commentary a little, contemplate a little more, and then allow time to “digest” all of it. This may make for slow progress in the reading, but Dharma texts are not just read for their words but for their application in life and especially in our daily practice. It is not really a matter of filling our memory with facts and other information but of providing what we need to advance toward enlightenment and that not only for ourselves but also for the benefit of all sentient beings.
The pace of our book study group of taking two of Gampopa's lists and the two corresponding chapters of commentary by Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche seems quite suitable to the material, but it has taken me a month to read and digest the first two lists and chapters of commentary with anything like a reasonable understanding. Hopefully, I can apply myself a little more to this study and be able to keep up with the group. Furthermore, when I can begin attending the study group with the next session in two weeks, the insights of the other group members will help with this. Even more than this, I hope I may find my application of the lessons from the reading to be more active and practical, enhancing my practice and advancing toward enlightenment for myself and all sentient beings.
Since I have been planning to make the trip to Boston in June for a retreat under Lama Sonam's guidance, I have begun thinking of starting now to save for the trip. With my very limited income, three months is not really all that long a time frame to save such a sum. While I can hope that a friend will help with some travel expenses and even that there may be others who would sponsor my trip, I should try to do all that I can for myself. There is significant spiritual benefit in such an endeavor.