Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 30 – Sweat Lodge and More

Since before my treatment was planned, I have not been able to take part in a Sweat Lodge either as fire tender or even just as a participant. Friday night of our Brigid's Fire Festival we had a Sweat Lodge for which I shared fire tending duties. On top of that I was able to be in the lodge for two of the four rounds. This all felt so good. My recovery has passed another milestone. Furthermore, this has been a great weekend with friends old and new.
I did realize that I could have handled fire tending by myself, but I take those duties so seriously that I would not want to fail in them through my own overconfidence. It is better that I have this opportunity to realistically assess my current capabilities. There are several more occasions for me to tend the fire for lodges here and elsewhere. Also I hope in a week or two to attend a “Sobriety Sweat” which is better for me than any AA meeting. I have missed all of them so far this fall and winter.
There seem to be so many ways that I am getting back to what is normal for me. For example, I absorbed so much energy from the fire that I was not the least bit cold although the evening temperature had gotten rather cool. I was not even hungry although I gratefully ate the meal that the hostess of this event prepared for all of us involved with the Sweat Lodge, because we eat very little before lodge and we are usually quite hungry afterward. After a while the energy dissipated and I could feel the cold. Hence, on Saturday morning, I had to go home for warmer clothes and covers for bedtime, because I had difficulty staying warm enough Friday night to sleep well.
Through the day on Saturday, I wound up not getting to any workshops but rather spent my time visiting with my friends and socializing or tending my sister's booth while she did other things. I even had time to have supper with my very best friend and still get back for the main ritual for the event. After the ritual, we had a healing circle for which I was the first volunteer to receive healing. At that point I recognized that I have mostly returned to my normal temperature tolerance. A few other people had bundled up, but I was comfortable in my shorts and t-shirt.
After I showered and changed into a sarong and t-shirt for drum circle, I headed toward the fire and settled down for some drumming. We had a larger crowd than the last time I was at a drum circle which is a great development. It did take me a little while to get into the groove, but when I did, I was able to get into my “altered state.” We also had several dancers which stimulates our drumming. I have found that I can divide my attention in such a way that I can keep up with the drumming as well as notice the dancing. However, if I give a little too much attention to the dancers, I'll lose my place in the drumming. Since I play a Native American frame drum and the others play djembes and dumbeks, keeping my place in the drumming is a very active process.
Once again I found myself, as at a few times before, upon seeing others in intimate and loving moments, feeling excruciatingly painful loneliness. Sometimes I believe that I am destined to remain single the rest of my life. At other times I believe that there might still be a “soulmate” awaiting me somewhere for me yet to meet. However, an unbiased review of my life and relationships reveals that I have only once had an honest indication of being attractive to a woman and then only under circumstances that precluded any development. While I have been told that I have been “highly regarded,” “well thought of,” “considered very interesting” or even “scary smart,” no one has ever told me that anyone has ever said that I was “good looking,” “attractive” or “sexy.” The only times that my interest in a woman brought a favorable response were times that served the other party's dishonest and ulterior motives. Although there was one lady sailor whose interest in the pleasure of sex matched my own, it wasn't anything that could develop into something more, because there was not such an interest and I was soon transferred.
I could either vigorously pursue a search for my “soulmate” with a certainty of finding her or I could reject the idea of ever having a partner again hiding myself as a monastic. Neither of these represents a healthy course to follow. Having been ordained a Ngakpa, I do not need to remain celibate or enter a monastery to follow the path of Tibetan Buddhism fully. However, I may need to become a fully ordained monk in order to fulfill my Karma, but I do not yet know for sure. Nevertheless, whichever course I follow, it is not just for my own comfort or pleasure, not just about companionship or sex, but rather about how best to be of benefit to all sentient beings.
Sunday morning I had more time to visit with friends, but soon recognized how exhausted I now was. In the late afternoon, without even unloading anything from our vehicle, I went home and took a nap before supper and then slept twelve hours before I got up for breakfast. I spent most of Monday napping. It has taken all of this to rest up from the weekend, but it was worth it all. However, I do realize that I still have to be more realistic about my capabilities while still testing the degree of improvement in my recovery.