For these past weeks I have not been able to drive my truck. When the problems with the hydraulic clutch made it undriveable, my fatigue kept me from successfully repairing it the first time I worked on it. Even the second time I worked on it and with help, I still had a problem after the master cylinder was replaced, but had to wait until I could get back to it. Finally, I tightened all the connections and bled the air out of the system. Now the clutch works and the truck shifts gears.
Nevertheless, there was still a small problem. I had to push the pedal almost all the way down, but that wasn't an insurmountable difficulty. A little check of my Haynes Repair Manual showed what needed adjustment and I'll take care of it today.
It feels so good to have gotten my truck repaired. It felt so good to drive it to my sister's house for supper and home afterward. It felt so good to be able to plan to pick up bags of leaves for mulch especially some with pine needles that will be good for my azalea bush. It is a little more of getting back to normal, but still not quite.
The work on the truck wore me out. I'll still needed extra rest before I could complete the final adjustments. However,the tiredness itself feels good, because it accompanies the successful completion of a project that was long planned and too long delayed. Today I got the adjustment completed and picked up the bags of leaves to spread tomorrow. This is a very satisfying accomplishment, but I'm not yet fully recovered.
I still tire too easily and too soon. I still have to nap to get things done. I still haven't gotten back to Dharma Center activities, because, so far, I tire too early for the weeknight times and I'm still signing on to the online Tong Ren sessions on Sunday afternoons. Nevertheless, I seem to be gaining capabilities every day and feeling the symptoms from the radiation treatments diminish steadily.
However, this weekend has brought a troubling development. It has been almost two weeks since I have been troubled by urinary pain, but the pain has returned this weekend. I cannot understand why this might be. I really have to believe that it is unrelated to my prostate cancer and the radiation treatments. In the morning, I will call the “sick call” line for nursing triage and to see about an appointment with my Primary Care doctor. Fortunately, I still have the phenazopyridine that was previously prescribed for the urinary pain and it does provide some relief. However, I know that this needs to be checked out and soon.
It is also fortunate that I've finished fixing my truck. I'll be able to drive myself to the VA hospital either for an appointment or to the ER. Although I really had not expected anything like this to develop, I have to take it in stride.
When we talk about “attachment” in Buddhism, we usually think that we are talking about people and things. We can be just as attached to expectations and plans. Furthermore, our expectations can shape our perceptions exacerbating the problem of illusion that contributes to trapping us in samsara. After all, isn't enlightenment at least in part about seeing all things clearly exactly as they are?
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