Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 28 – Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Yesterday, after an appointment at the VA Hospital, I went to Taco Bell for lunch which is fast, easy and cheap. As I usually do, I put one packet of “hot” sauce, not “fire” sauce, on my burrito which was quite enjoyable. I thought little of it, because I had not felt any nausea for almost a week. The nausea that had plagued me through much of my radiation therapy had kept me from eating hot and spicy foods. Now I no longer had that constraint to prevent me from enjoying something so simple.
I also took the gamble of going without incontinence pads or even my “just in case bag.” I made it through the day without any “accidents” or even close calls. I seem to have regained a reasonable amount of urinary control. Not only can I get to the restroom without incident, but I can stop urinating properly. However, I still plan my trips around the availability of clean restrooms. Nevertheless this is a milestone in my recovery.
On the way home I bought bananas and protein powder for my protein shakes for my own personal weight loss program. The store where I bought the powder only had it in chocolate flavor. Although I would usually shy away from chocolate flavored drinks because they are normally disappointing, I decided to give it a try. It turns out that the flavor is so weak and it does not seem to go well with the fruit that I have available. The only way that this is remotely palatable is almost frozen. However, I will try it with each kind of frozen fruit that I am using. before I totally give up on chocolate. Nevertheless, I have already gone to a different store to buy the protein powder in the vanilla flavor that I had already tried. This probably wouldn't matter all that much except that as a weight loss program the shakes that I am using should not be so unpalatable that I would abandon the whole plan because of them. Since I am already six pounds down from my weight at the end of radiation therapy,I want to keep the process going.
Sometime between midnight and 2:00 AM, I experienced the reaction of my gastrointestinal system to the hot sauce in my burrito, diarrhea. This added many unpleasant trips to the bathroom to the few trips I make to urinate during a normal night. The loss of sleep added to the energy draining effects of diarrhea resulted in a day in which I could do little more than sleep. Even though I normally stay up late most nights, tonight I'll make it an early night and not just because I have an early appointment n the morning.
I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot yet maintain the level of activities that I did before treatments began. Whether it is my daily practice, or working around the house or yard, I cannot yet do what I did before. I want to get back to Dharma Center activities. I want to get my truck repairs finished. I want to build my recumbent bicycle. I want to clean up my yard, particularly things that were damaged by freezing weather. I will get these things done eventually, each in its turn as I actually do recover, not by wishful thinking.
I also have to remember that at this stage the radiation is still killing cancer cells. That process has not ended and the body has not finished “cleaning up” from it. I am not yet fully in the phase of recovering from the effects of radiation on healthy tissues. I can encourage, help, promote, facilitate, or support that process, but it will take the time that it takes. Even this is the working out of Karma, not only the seeds that were planted in previous lifetimes, but also the effects of choices and actions in this lifetime. Whether they are decisions made more than 25 years ago that have health consequences now or the choice of treatment made last year, they are being worked out in my present circumstances and experiences.
All of Karma must bear fruit,be worked out in life, or be cleansed, but it cannot be ignored or avoided.